Getting over rejection.
August 14, 2010 6:37 AM Subscribe
Met what I thought was the perfect guy for me, and then he disappeared. I feel heartbroken now, how do I get over this? Special snowflake details inside.
Background: very early 20's, female, relationship experience consists of a couple random dates and a jerk ex-boyfriend who sexually assaulted me. Needless to say I am a little nervous/uneasy about romantic relationships. In fact, I pretty much shun dating - I'm pretty busy with school and work anyways.
However, I recently met a super nice guy at a concert. He was attractive, sweet, caring, and we had near identical interests. We went on two dates, each of them lasting like 4-5 hours. He was obviously attracted to me but didn't try to pressure me into sleeping with me. He remembered all kinds of details about me. He even asked me if I was seeing anyone else and joked about meeting my parents (!). If anything, the vibe was that he was worried that I didn't like him.
Because we had so much in common and he seemed so into me, I fell for him really hard. Then, he didn't answer my call and never called me back. It's been a week. He always returned my calls before (I always called him, but he is pretty shy so I didn't think much of it), so I'm guessing this is just a wimp form of rejection.
1. If he didn't like me, he didn't like me. But if he didn't, why did he act so into me before? I feel like I can't trust anyone now.
2. It's embarrassing, but I feel utterly miserable to the point of actually crying several times. I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt this strongly about another human being. I can't stop thinking about him and the time we spent together. How do I deal with these emotions and move on?
Background: very early 20's, female, relationship experience consists of a couple random dates and a jerk ex-boyfriend who sexually assaulted me. Needless to say I am a little nervous/uneasy about romantic relationships. In fact, I pretty much shun dating - I'm pretty busy with school and work anyways.
However, I recently met a super nice guy at a concert. He was attractive, sweet, caring, and we had near identical interests. We went on two dates, each of them lasting like 4-5 hours. He was obviously attracted to me but didn't try to pressure me into sleeping with me. He remembered all kinds of details about me. He even asked me if I was seeing anyone else and joked about meeting my parents (!). If anything, the vibe was that he was worried that I didn't like him.
Because we had so much in common and he seemed so into me, I fell for him really hard. Then, he didn't answer my call and never called me back. It's been a week. He always returned my calls before (I always called him, but he is pretty shy so I didn't think much of it), so I'm guessing this is just a wimp form of rejection.
1. If he didn't like me, he didn't like me. But if he didn't, why did he act so into me before? I feel like I can't trust anyone now.
2. It's embarrassing, but I feel utterly miserable to the point of actually crying several times. I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt this strongly about another human being. I can't stop thinking about him and the time we spent together. How do I deal with these emotions and move on?
You're in love. You're not in a situation to judge or react to a situation rationally :-)
There's many reasons why he cannot call you, so wait a few more days, call him again... If you cannot contact him over some weeks, start forgetting him.
And for the meantime try to enjoy being in love.
posted by oxit at 6:50 AM on August 14, 2010
There's many reasons why he cannot call you, so wait a few more days, call him again... If you cannot contact him over some weeks, start forgetting him.
And for the meantime try to enjoy being in love.
posted by oxit at 6:50 AM on August 14, 2010
Keep yourself busy for the next few days so you aren't tempted to call him. Not for some stupid "The Rules" reason, but because if he hasn't gotten back to you it's either because he's not sure about you or because he's genuinely busy, and neither of those will be helped by a lot of calls.
Sometime Monday or Tuesday call him again (or maybe a text if it's his cellphone, I know I am personally bad about checking my voicemail) and say you were wondering if he'd have time to hang out something that week.
If another week goes by and he still hasn't gotten in touch, then yeah, it's probably time to start moving on. In which case I recommend spending a lot of time with friends, resisting the urge to talk very much with them about this guy, and generally avoiding sitting on your couch at home with nothing to distract you from feeling miserable.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:56 AM on August 14, 2010
Sometime Monday or Tuesday call him again (or maybe a text if it's his cellphone, I know I am personally bad about checking my voicemail) and say you were wondering if he'd have time to hang out something that week.
If another week goes by and he still hasn't gotten in touch, then yeah, it's probably time to start moving on. In which case I recommend spending a lot of time with friends, resisting the urge to talk very much with them about this guy, and generally avoiding sitting on your couch at home with nothing to distract you from feeling miserable.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:56 AM on August 14, 2010
I'd say that after a week, he's magically gotten over it. I'm sorry, but short of "was in terrible car accident*," he could have called if he wanted to by now.
I hate to say it, but some guys just kind of "snap" and magically lose interest. I don't understand how or why, but it happens. Maybe you said the wrong thing, or maybe he got interested in someone else, or maybe the moon turned blue. I have heard that some guys move superfast on the first few dates (like talking about marriage or meeting the parents) and then freak out and back the hell out of the budding relationship. That might have happened too. You'll never know, and beating yourself up about it won't do any good either. But since he's done the "silent dump", you know that he's a jerk now.
No, you can't trust anyone. Or at least, you can't trust them until you've known them for a long time, because trust builds.
You do the same thing that we all do: feel totally stupid and like crap on a stick for awhile, then the feeling eventually wears off some, and if you ever find someone else to be interested and stick with the interest, this will go away.
* I actually did know someone who was dating two guys, and one of them disappeared because he had been in a car wreck and was in the hospital. However, they still didn't end up going out again due to his injuries and her moving on to the other guy. So yeah, it happens, but you should always assume the guy is choosing not to call you, not to sit there telling yourself bullshit reasons why he might not have called. Occam's razor usually means you got the silent dump again, and sitting there making up reasons for why he hasn't called will only make you crazier.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 AM on August 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
I hate to say it, but some guys just kind of "snap" and magically lose interest. I don't understand how or why, but it happens. Maybe you said the wrong thing, or maybe he got interested in someone else, or maybe the moon turned blue. I have heard that some guys move superfast on the first few dates (like talking about marriage or meeting the parents) and then freak out and back the hell out of the budding relationship. That might have happened too. You'll never know, and beating yourself up about it won't do any good either. But since he's done the "silent dump", you know that he's a jerk now.
No, you can't trust anyone. Or at least, you can't trust them until you've known them for a long time, because trust builds.
You do the same thing that we all do: feel totally stupid and like crap on a stick for awhile, then the feeling eventually wears off some, and if you ever find someone else to be interested and stick with the interest, this will go away.
* I actually did know someone who was dating two guys, and one of them disappeared because he had been in a car wreck and was in the hospital. However, they still didn't end up going out again due to his injuries and her moving on to the other guy. So yeah, it happens, but you should always assume the guy is choosing not to call you, not to sit there telling yourself bullshit reasons why he might not have called. Occam's razor usually means you got the silent dump again, and sitting there making up reasons for why he hasn't called will only make you crazier.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 AM on August 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
This is not the situation you should let break your faith in humanity. The sexual assault, yes, absolutely horrible and faith-breaking and I'm so sorry that happened to you. Flaking off after two dates (or just taking a long time to get back to you), no, that's just life.
posted by salvia at 7:53 AM on August 14, 2010
posted by salvia at 7:53 AM on August 14, 2010
This has happened to me more than once. One time when it happened, I found out later that the guy had gotten arrested and was in jail for dealing pot. When he got out, he was too ashamed to call me back and explain. Another time I heard that the guy had gotten back together with an old girlfriend - this actually happened to me TWICE.
It's common, it really is.
posted by micawber at 10:13 AM on August 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
It's common, it really is.
posted by micawber at 10:13 AM on August 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
1) Sometimes things happen at the spur of the moment. It's possible you two might have clicked precisely because of a certain context (i.e. the concert). Maybe he wanted to make you laugh, and liked your company.
2) Those fond moments with him are yours to do with; my advice would be to take them at face value and continue on your routine. Naturally, they will resurface, but if you actively think of how you start thinking of these memories and the emotions associated with them you will begin the process of being able to focus your thoughts and move forward.
I'd give him some time, and see if he initiates anything. Who knows maybe something came up and he needs to sort it out by himself.
posted by wallawallasweet at 11:13 AM on August 14, 2010
2) Those fond moments with him are yours to do with; my advice would be to take them at face value and continue on your routine. Naturally, they will resurface, but if you actively think of how you start thinking of these memories and the emotions associated with them you will begin the process of being able to focus your thoughts and move forward.
I'd give him some time, and see if he initiates anything. Who knows maybe something came up and he needs to sort it out by himself.
posted by wallawallasweet at 11:13 AM on August 14, 2010
FWIW, if my wife had given up when I didn't respond quickly after our first date we wouldn't be celebrating our 19th anniversary next week.
posted by COD at 11:21 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by COD at 11:21 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you should wait and lay off the calls. Its an energy thing. He likes you, but sometimes that is hard for people. He should return calls, but give him a chance to get used to having someone like you like him.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:51 PM on August 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 1:51 PM on August 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have a very similar dating background as you, few dates, bad boyfriend, sexual assult, etc. and I've had a similar experience. I met a wonderful guy. He was everything I wanted in a boyfriend, handsome, funny, kind, etc. He was visiting from out of state but was going to move to where I was living when he came back 3-4 days later. He never came back and I had gotten a phone call but missed the call. We had an agreement that he would call my cell phone so I would have his phone number and hang up because he didn't have long distance calling. Unfortunately, his number was blocked. He called a few times but hung up right away.
I lost my love.
He too was always excited about the future we could have together. It broke my heart. If you don't get in contact with this guy, move on.. Let yourself heal but move on. I don't regret finding someone else. It was something I couldn't control. You will find love again. I did.
posted by shortbus at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2010
I lost my love.
He too was always excited about the future we could have together. It broke my heart. If you don't get in contact with this guy, move on.. Let yourself heal but move on. I don't regret finding someone else. It was something I couldn't control. You will find love again. I did.
posted by shortbus at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2010
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posted by sunshinesky at 6:41 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]