How do I help a Dad find his Daughter?
August 6, 2010 7:18 AM Subscribe
I came across an ad on Craigslist that really grabbed my attention. It was from a dad with very little computer knowledge, hoping to set up a website so his daughter would one day Google herself and know about her real dad. He hasn't been with her since she was 2 (2001). Something about it, probably my own personal experiences, really made me want to help. I set up a Blogger account for him so he can post pictures and letters to her easily (he updates the site from the local library). Are there any other things I should try?
He has done searches on Facebook and MySpace with no luck. He knows they are living in Arkansas because he sent a letter to his ex wife, but he got a letter from her attorney back. According to him, she is trying to get the daughter's step-dad to adopt her so she will never know about her real dad.
What would you do? Is the blogger account enough? Should he try harder to find her, or do nothing and risk never watching her grow up? I told him I would ask MetaFilter and let him know what responses I received.
Is it irresponsible for me to help, not knowing what the daughter would want? She is still a child, so who knows how she feels about all this. If she even knows about it. But I feel like her Dad will miss out on so many milestones in her life if he doesn't try. And I don't want him to later regret not trying something he could have tried.
Should I post the link to the Blogger account or would that be against MetaFilter's standards since there is a minor involved?
PS- I'm an occasional MetaFilter lurker but just got an account finally, so sorry if I'm doing this wrong. I came here to ask because I was blown away by the quality of the responses on the post about the Russian girls who might have been sold into slavery in New York. The MetaFilter community seems pretty amazing and levelheaded, and I would really appreciate any help.
He has done searches on Facebook and MySpace with no luck. He knows they are living in Arkansas because he sent a letter to his ex wife, but he got a letter from her attorney back. According to him, she is trying to get the daughter's step-dad to adopt her so she will never know about her real dad.
What would you do? Is the blogger account enough? Should he try harder to find her, or do nothing and risk never watching her grow up? I told him I would ask MetaFilter and let him know what responses I received.
Is it irresponsible for me to help, not knowing what the daughter would want? She is still a child, so who knows how she feels about all this. If she even knows about it. But I feel like her Dad will miss out on so many milestones in her life if he doesn't try. And I don't want him to later regret not trying something he could have tried.
Should I post the link to the Blogger account or would that be against MetaFilter's standards since there is a minor involved?
PS- I'm an occasional MetaFilter lurker but just got an account finally, so sorry if I'm doing this wrong. I came here to ask because I was blown away by the quality of the responses on the post about the Russian girls who might have been sold into slavery in New York. The MetaFilter community seems pretty amazing and levelheaded, and I would really appreciate any help.
I would setup or show him a way to archive the web site in case something happens to Blogger or himself. He may also want to give her a copy of it on a flash drive or DVD/CD someday.
posted by 14580 at 7:26 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by 14580 at 7:26 AM on August 6, 2010
I think the father's decision to post an ad on craigslist was foolhardy, and I think the overall strategy is a little creepy to be honest with you. I personally would not get involved; this is a family decision, and I think he needs to deal with it in another manner.
posted by hijinx at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by hijinx at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2010
This sounds very odd to me. Not to mention that if there's an attorney involved, the bio dad can work with the attorney to develop some sort of interaction with the child. His paternal rights can't be just given away like that, e.g., the stepdad can't just swoop in and adopt the child without the bio father relinquishing his rights in some capacity, which it sounds like he hasn't done. IANYL, etc. but it seems weird that he's concentrating on developing a web site when what he really needs to do is speak with his own attorney as well as the mother's attorney. I'd stay away because something isn't right here at all.
posted by December at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by December at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
For your own sanity, stay out of the search and the custody battle. You don't know the whole story, and it will only cause you heartache.
If the father wants to post about himself and how he feels about his daughter, fine-- but if he includes personal details for the internet to remember forever, and that his daughter's future friends and love interests can find, this can seriously backfire for him. Warn him of this, and then let him be responsible for the content.
My half-sister was kidnapped by her mother 6 years ago. I have watched my father go through similar things, and I have a lot of experience with this. MeMail me if you want more info/advice.
posted by mireille at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2010
If the father wants to post about himself and how he feels about his daughter, fine-- but if he includes personal details for the internet to remember forever, and that his daughter's future friends and love interests can find, this can seriously backfire for him. Warn him of this, and then let him be responsible for the content.
My half-sister was kidnapped by her mother 6 years ago. I have watched my father go through similar things, and I have a lot of experience with this. MeMail me if you want more info/advice.
posted by mireille at 7:29 AM on August 6, 2010
I think what you are trying to do is simply great. I applaud you for being sympathetic to this persons feelings. I think it is a wonderful idea for him to pen his feelings and everyday life on this web space for his daughter to one day see. He should always keep trying however he can to reach out to his daughter.
I'am myself seperated from my son (he is almost two years), and I have missed out on so much, and miss being with him everyday.
It is sheer cruelity for his ex to deny the child, the love of his real father, just for her own personal reasons. Whatever the grudges between two people who have not been able to successfully live a married life together, they should always be good parents to their children, and give them their love equally. I know it is hard, but a child is innocent, and needs the love and attention from his/her parents.
posted by jassi at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010
I'am myself seperated from my son (he is almost two years), and I have missed out on so much, and miss being with him everyday.
It is sheer cruelity for his ex to deny the child, the love of his real father, just for her own personal reasons. Whatever the grudges between two people who have not been able to successfully live a married life together, they should always be good parents to their children, and give them their love equally. I know it is hard, but a child is innocent, and needs the love and attention from his/her parents.
posted by jassi at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010
Had he only told you he wanted to set up a personal family album, would you not have a problem with this task? Personally, this is kind of a neat idea for the Internet Age, but I can also see where adoptive parents and victims of domestic violence could have serious problems with their children having such an easy time finding someone the parent is trying to avoid.
Anyway, not knowing this guy's story (and you know only what he's chosen to tell you, of course) I would think that Blogger would be just as fine as any other site, unless he wants to buy a domain name that he thinks she would be likely to google one day. I do hope that he's thought through what he's doing. I can only imagine what would happen if the child's mother found the site first.
posted by Piscean at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010
Anyway, not knowing this guy's story (and you know only what he's chosen to tell you, of course) I would think that Blogger would be just as fine as any other site, unless he wants to buy a domain name that he thinks she would be likely to google one day. I do hope that he's thought through what he's doing. I can only imagine what would happen if the child's mother found the site first.
posted by Piscean at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010
It's an AskMe cliché, but he needs a lawyer. Nice guy though he is, you only know his half of the story. His ex-wife has an attorney who is handling his wife's side of things. He needs to be working at this from the same level.
By all means point him in the direction of suitable legal advice, but beyond that, you're on the way to becoming embroiled in this family's probably complex problems.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
By all means point him in the direction of suitable legal advice, but beyond that, you're on the way to becoming embroiled in this family's probably complex problems.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
I would not get involved with this beyond offering some referrals to local sources of legal aid, in case he is somehow simply too disconnected from society to realise that he has that option. It's not like finding the child poses a big challenge; he has really dropped the fathering ball to get to this point. Pix and personal info from a deadbeat is likely to be seen as harassing, not helpful.
posted by kmennie at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by kmennie at 7:32 AM on August 6, 2010
Ever heard the phrase "I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole?"
This is one of those times. Send him a link to blogger or blogspot or livejournal if you really feel like you need to do something.
In all probability, this is harmless, but there's some likelihood it's something far more nefarious.
posted by TomMelee at 7:39 AM on August 6, 2010
This is one of those times. Send him a link to blogger or blogspot or livejournal if you really feel like you need to do something.
In all probability, this is harmless, but there's some likelihood it's something far more nefarious.
posted by TomMelee at 7:39 AM on August 6, 2010
I don't think there's anything wrong with helping someone set up a personal blog (as long as you're not aware of helping him harass the daughter or the mother), but having done that I think you should leave it there.
posted by amethysts at 7:45 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by amethysts at 7:45 AM on August 6, 2010
This could be a very complex family situation, and you can't get the whole picture from the dad. If he wants a different arrangement, he can bring a case in family court. For all we know, there could be an order of protection that limits his contact with the child and/or the mom; you don't even know if a blog devoted to contacting the daughter would be legal. (This is wild speculation on my part -- I have no idea if that's the case.) As someone else said, he dropped the fathering ball a long time ago. If he wants to rectify the situation and the mom only contacts him through her attorney, he should be using family court, not CraigsList.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:47 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:47 AM on August 6, 2010
Best answer: When I read the start of this post, my OH NO sensor started up, as it does with just about everything I see about a biological father wanting to find his daughter. The sirens in my head didn't stop until I saw the age and year: it couldn't have been my bio father trying to find me. As he promised my mother he would do, after I was 18. As I've been terrified of him doing.
My biological father is insane. It's not really his fault. According to the doctors, he fried his brain on too many drugs, and that, coupled with a bad childhood, led to him having some very significant problems. Problems that led to him terrorizing my mother, my brother, and me for far too long. Problems that made him dangerous and scary to me, even as a child. Problems that have warped my understanding of person relationships, and made me frightened of most men over a certain age. Problems that mean that he will never, ever be in my life again. I have plans worked out about what I will do if I see him in public, or if he comes to my place of work or (god forbid) my apartment. I have practiced pretending not to be his daughter (name changes make me feel somewhat safe). Even though it's been over 15 years since I last heard from him, I still live with that shadow over my life: my biological father is insane, and he is a danger to me.
I know my biological father once loved me, and he probably thinks he loves me still. He probably thinks in his mind that he is the victim of a horrible woman who kept his baby from knowing him -- he told my mother as much, years ago. He probably has thought about different ways to try to track me down. But, my biological father is insane. He long ago lost the capacity to love me. It is a tragedy, but it is true: he is physically and emotionally incapable of being a loving parent.
Is this fellow on Craigslist like my father? I don't know. But if you were helping my biological father find me, you would be doing a bad thing. You'd in effect be terrorizing me. Because of who my father is, because of how he has affected my life, it would hurt me if someone did what you are thinking of doing.
The guy might seem quite nice and charming. You might think he's a stand-up fellow and there's no way he could be the sort of person my biological father is. And, the chances are, he's not. But you don't actually have any way to know. You don't know why his child's mother cut off all contact with him. You don't have access to his psychiatric records.
Don't get caught up in this stranger's drama. It's a tragedy that this man doesn't have contact with his child, but you are in no position to decide why he doesn't have contact and what the real effect of your actions may be.
posted by meese at 7:50 AM on August 6, 2010 [19 favorites]
My biological father is insane. It's not really his fault. According to the doctors, he fried his brain on too many drugs, and that, coupled with a bad childhood, led to him having some very significant problems. Problems that led to him terrorizing my mother, my brother, and me for far too long. Problems that made him dangerous and scary to me, even as a child. Problems that have warped my understanding of person relationships, and made me frightened of most men over a certain age. Problems that mean that he will never, ever be in my life again. I have plans worked out about what I will do if I see him in public, or if he comes to my place of work or (god forbid) my apartment. I have practiced pretending not to be his daughter (name changes make me feel somewhat safe). Even though it's been over 15 years since I last heard from him, I still live with that shadow over my life: my biological father is insane, and he is a danger to me.
I know my biological father once loved me, and he probably thinks he loves me still. He probably thinks in his mind that he is the victim of a horrible woman who kept his baby from knowing him -- he told my mother as much, years ago. He probably has thought about different ways to try to track me down. But, my biological father is insane. He long ago lost the capacity to love me. It is a tragedy, but it is true: he is physically and emotionally incapable of being a loving parent.
Is this fellow on Craigslist like my father? I don't know. But if you were helping my biological father find me, you would be doing a bad thing. You'd in effect be terrorizing me. Because of who my father is, because of how he has affected my life, it would hurt me if someone did what you are thinking of doing.
The guy might seem quite nice and charming. You might think he's a stand-up fellow and there's no way he could be the sort of person my biological father is. And, the chances are, he's not. But you don't actually have any way to know. You don't know why his child's mother cut off all contact with him. You don't have access to his psychiatric records.
Don't get caught up in this stranger's drama. It's a tragedy that this man doesn't have contact with his child, but you are in no position to decide why he doesn't have contact and what the real effect of your actions may be.
posted by meese at 7:50 AM on August 6, 2010 [19 favorites]
You only know one side of the situation. Don't get involved any further. He could have been an abusive guy, he could have been a sex offender, he could be anything. Do not get involved.
posted by anniecat at 7:51 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by anniecat at 7:51 AM on August 6, 2010
I came across an ad on Craigslist that really grabbed my attention. It was from a dad with very little computer knowledge, hoping to set up a website so his daughter would one day Google herself and know about her real dad.
If he can figure out how to set up an add on Craigslist, he can surely figure out how to set up his own Blogger or LiveJournal account.
Step away from this...
posted by matty at 7:58 AM on August 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
If he can figure out how to set up an add on Craigslist, he can surely figure out how to set up his own Blogger or LiveJournal account.
Step away from this...
posted by matty at 7:58 AM on August 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I really, truly appreciate all of you who took the time to respond. I think I may have let my own emotions get the best of me, and jumped in to help when it wasn't well advised. Usually I am a very logical, suspicious person, but for personal reasons I felt compelled to help in this instance.
His emails to me seem very sincere (as do his blog postings), but of course when the local news station is interviewing the neighbors of a killer, they always say "but he was such a nice guy".
I have already set up his Blogger account a week ago, and he knows how to use it, so I think I will walk away from this project now, knowing I did what I could and what I thought was right.
Again, thanks for the help. Some good did come of this: I'm glad I made a MetaFilter account and look forward to using it often.
posted by halseyaa at 8:06 AM on August 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
His emails to me seem very sincere (as do his blog postings), but of course when the local news station is interviewing the neighbors of a killer, they always say "but he was such a nice guy".
I have already set up his Blogger account a week ago, and he knows how to use it, so I think I will walk away from this project now, knowing I did what I could and what I thought was right.
Again, thanks for the help. Some good did come of this: I'm glad I made a MetaFilter account and look forward to using it often.
posted by halseyaa at 8:06 AM on August 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
There's surely nothing inherently wrong with setting up a blog for him so his daughter can find him if she wants to. That leaves the ball firmly in the kid's court.
I wouldn't actively help him find his daughter, though.
posted by Xany at 8:14 AM on August 6, 2010
I wouldn't actively help him find his daughter, though.
posted by Xany at 8:14 AM on August 6, 2010
Just help him set up the blog and nothing more. I think it's sane and reasonable to want to have information out there for the child to eventually google IF SHE WANTS.
I would not get involved with anything else, however. Who knows what the real situation is? I've seen both sides (crazy/violent/alcoholic father and scared ex-wife/child, crazy/litigious/spiteful mom with good dad getting the shaft) and they are difficult with far reaching implications. Strangers are not appropriate.
posted by dozo at 8:46 AM on August 6, 2010
I would not get involved with anything else, however. Who knows what the real situation is? I've seen both sides (crazy/violent/alcoholic father and scared ex-wife/child, crazy/litigious/spiteful mom with good dad getting the shaft) and they are difficult with far reaching implications. Strangers are not appropriate.
posted by dozo at 8:46 AM on August 6, 2010
I'am myself seperated from my son (he is almost two years), and I have missed out on so much, and miss being with him everyday.
It is sheer cruelity for his ex to deny the child, the love of his real father, just for her own personal reasons.
With all due respect, you are projecting. You have no idea what happened in this family, and the mother might have damn good reasons for keeping the father away. We cannot say one way or the other whether this man should be able to see his kid, because we barely even have one side of the story. To simply blame the mother and dismiss this as "personal reasons" is a true slap in the face to every child and spouse who has ever had to flee from abuse, violence, emotional terror, alcohol/drug abuse, molestation, and so on.
posted by Rhomboid at 9:03 AM on August 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
It is sheer cruelity for his ex to deny the child, the love of his real father, just for her own personal reasons.
With all due respect, you are projecting. You have no idea what happened in this family, and the mother might have damn good reasons for keeping the father away. We cannot say one way or the other whether this man should be able to see his kid, because we barely even have one side of the story. To simply blame the mother and dismiss this as "personal reasons" is a true slap in the face to every child and spouse who has ever had to flee from abuse, violence, emotional terror, alcohol/drug abuse, molestation, and so on.
posted by Rhomboid at 9:03 AM on August 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I am really shocked by these responses. I don't at all see any problem with a man setting up a website with letters to his estranged child in case she some day googles herself. And I don't see any problem with helping him do just that. Getting involved further, yes, that could easily get sticky since you don't know the full story. But there's absolutely zero harm in setting up a website dedicated to his child and leaving the ball in her court.
To provide a counterpoint to meese's story, I would have loved to find that my biological father had done something like that for me when my mom left him when I was 3, moved us to a different country, told me nothing but lies and refused to let me see him. I eventually tracked him down when I was 28, and his side of the story is the one that ended up being verified by the other members of his and her families.
I wonder if the responses above would be different if you were asking this on behalf of a mother instead of a father.
posted by widdershins at 9:45 AM on August 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
To provide a counterpoint to meese's story, I would have loved to find that my biological father had done something like that for me when my mom left him when I was 3, moved us to a different country, told me nothing but lies and refused to let me see him. I eventually tracked him down when I was 28, and his side of the story is the one that ended up being verified by the other members of his and her families.
I wonder if the responses above would be different if you were asking this on behalf of a mother instead of a father.
posted by widdershins at 9:45 AM on August 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm with xany on this. The OP isn't scouring records looking for this kid. The dad is trying to figure out how to make himself found more easily. He could be crazy, evil, or awesome, but that doesn't really matter here. I think, though, that setting him up with a Blogger account is really enough, as dozo said.
posted by monkeymadness at 9:48 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by monkeymadness at 9:48 AM on August 6, 2010
I wonder if the responses above would be different if you were asking this on behalf of a mother instead of a father.
That's a valid question, but I'd certainly like to think my response wouldn't be affected if the genders were different. I don't think dads should have any less right than moms to be active parents, all other things being equal. What influenced my response was:
- none of us have any way of knowing if all other things are equal;
- the OP would be stepping into an intense, complex family situation where lawyers are involved;
- the OP doesn't know any of these people at all aside from making an online connection with the dad through CraigsList;
- the dad is asking for something he could do himself.*
* Yes, he could use Blogger without too much trouble. You just need to Google "blogger" or "blog" and start following the very user-friendly instructions. Oh, he might be telling the truth about not being good with computers and not knowing how to use Blogger. But if he's willing to ask for help from internet strangers, he could ask someone for help on general "getting started with a blog" advice without getting that person involved with the family drama. And really, the dad doesn't have any actual friends who'd be willing to help him out with creating a basic blog?
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:06 AM on August 6, 2010
That's a valid question, but I'd certainly like to think my response wouldn't be affected if the genders were different. I don't think dads should have any less right than moms to be active parents, all other things being equal. What influenced my response was:
- none of us have any way of knowing if all other things are equal;
- the OP would be stepping into an intense, complex family situation where lawyers are involved;
- the OP doesn't know any of these people at all aside from making an online connection with the dad through CraigsList;
- the dad is asking for something he could do himself.*
* Yes, he could use Blogger without too much trouble. You just need to Google "blogger" or "blog" and start following the very user-friendly instructions. Oh, he might be telling the truth about not being good with computers and not knowing how to use Blogger. But if he's willing to ask for help from internet strangers, he could ask someone for help on general "getting started with a blog" advice without getting that person involved with the family drama. And really, the dad doesn't have any actual friends who'd be willing to help him out with creating a basic blog?
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:06 AM on August 6, 2010
But there's absolutely zero harm in setting up a website dedicated to his child
posted by widdershins at 9:45 AM on August 6
Really? You'd be alright with a minor's name and other identifying details published online (as the OP said, "to set up a website so his daughter would one day Google herself"). So presumably this guy is publishing the minor's name & details so she can find herself that way online? Posting letters and pictures to her? Is he posting her baby pictures to "prove" he knows her?
I'm not seeing the zero harm here at all. I'm seeing a guy who has a perfectly viable legal channel (e.g., via an attorney for whom he has contact information) but is opting to use a channel that could have all sorts of negative consequences (harassment allegations, attracting attention from pedophiles, future random friends of the daughter running across the blog and learning all her childhood info, etc.).
This creeps me right the fuck out. John Mark Karr-ish.
posted by December at 11:01 AM on August 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by widdershins at 9:45 AM on August 6
Really? You'd be alright with a minor's name and other identifying details published online (as the OP said, "to set up a website so his daughter would one day Google herself"). So presumably this guy is publishing the minor's name & details so she can find herself that way online? Posting letters and pictures to her? Is he posting her baby pictures to "prove" he knows her?
I'm not seeing the zero harm here at all. I'm seeing a guy who has a perfectly viable legal channel (e.g., via an attorney for whom he has contact information) but is opting to use a channel that could have all sorts of negative consequences (harassment allegations, attracting attention from pedophiles, future random friends of the daughter running across the blog and learning all her childhood info, etc.).
This creeps me right the fuck out. John Mark Karr-ish.
posted by December at 11:01 AM on August 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, we just do not have enough information to confidently assert that whatever information the father posts on his public website is not going to harm anyone.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:56 AM on August 6, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:56 AM on August 6, 2010
Unless you've done a thorough background search, how do you even know this man is the father? He could be a stalker, for all anybody knows. It's unlikely, of course, but it's something to keep in mind should you be tempted by a situation like this again. It would be best to stop communicating with him now that he's learned a few basic skills.
posted by Fui Non Sum at 1:05 PM on August 6, 2010
posted by Fui Non Sum at 1:05 PM on August 6, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
If mom has an attorney, maybe dad isn't that stellar of a character after all?
posted by morganannie at 7:26 AM on August 6, 2010 [1 favorite]