Lonely street, heartbreak hotel

March 9, 2005 6:17 AM

How can I help my 18 year old son cope with his first heartbreak? [mi]

His girlfriend of a month of so broke up with him last night. It may have been brief, but he was very serious about her. We talked a bit-- in his room, where he was busy deleting her pictures and suddenly too-painful mp3s from his computer-- and I tried to cover the usual things that one says: everyone goes through this, it's important to take the risk to express your feelings about someone, that it doesn't mean he's a bad person or unlovable, one foot in front of the other, life goes on, don't take your pain out on yourself, instead write or draw about it, and so on. (I passed on the 'you'll meet someone else' because nobody ever wants to hear that, true though it may be.) I'm distressed, of course, and wondering about other people's experiences. I'm a single mother (his dad is in the picture but not of much use in terms of manly advice or emotional maturity) and we've always been close. Should I back off, and let him sit in his room listening to The Cure (seriously, he ran through Disintegration three times last night)? I want to be supportive, but not intrusive; and sympathetic without tacitly allowing/encouraging him to become overly absorbed in his feelings of loss. How did our members here handle their teenage heartbreaks? If you were close to one or other parent, what did they do to help matters, or, conversely, to make things worse?

posted by jokeefe to Human Relations (47 answers total)

email sent.
posted by bonaldi at 6:34 AM on March 9, 2005

You can't do a thing. It's one of those experiences that kids need to go through, and they're pretty much on their own. Just give him space.
posted by cmonkey at 6:36 AM on March 9, 2005

i wrote a really indignant, angry reply that i deleted as being completely unhelpful. on preview, cmonkey says it better than me (disclaimer - i have been a confused 18 yo, but not a parent).
posted by andrew cooke at 6:41 AM on March 9, 2005

Response by poster: email sent.
posted by bonaldi at 6:34 AM PST on March 9

Recieved. Thank you.

I'm alarmed that this post might have prompted anyone to write an 'indignant, angry reply'. I mean, backing off and letting him get on with it is my first instinct, though I'm open to feedback. What upset you here, andrew?
posted by jokeefe at 6:49 AM on March 9, 2005

As a qualification, I think you were right to say all the things you said. They won't make him feel any better, but deep down somewhere ignorable he probably knows that you're right. It sounds like you're aware of the fine line between being there but not getting in his face about it -- so you've got it nailed, essentially. Not that it makes any easier to observe. Now that you have said those things I don't think there is much more that can be done and space *probably* is a good thing. That said -- you know the guy better than any one so you should definitely trust your instincts.
posted by nthdegx at 6:54 AM on March 9, 2005

well, my reply, even before i deleted it, contained the rider that my relationship with my parents might (must! :o) have been different to yours, but i wouldn't have wanted them to be counting the records i play, defining what "overly absorbed" means, or broadcasting details of my love life to strangers on the 'net. for me, in my particular circumstances, that already seems way over-intrusive, before you even start asking for more ideas. maybe my parents did it anyway, i don't know.
posted by andrew cooke at 6:54 AM on March 9, 2005

Response by poster: Just to add something without trying to direct this-- he came to me to talk about it; I'm not trying to run his emotional life for him. But being a teenage male is outside my experience, so I'm checking in here.
posted by jokeefe at 6:57 AM on March 9, 2005

ok, didn't know that (sorry if i missed it). point taken. and i'm not saying i'm right - i'm trying pretty hard to make it clear that this is just one opinion, and quite possibly irrelevant.
posted by andrew cooke at 6:58 AM on March 9, 2005

As others have said, there's not much you can do. Give it time. The good news is that an 18 year old boy will get over it pretty quickly.

Distraction helps. Get him a copy of GTA or Doom 3 and he'll forget all abut her.
posted by bondcliff at 7:01 AM on March 9, 2005

Jokeefe: I've not yet walked in your shoes on this one, but your response seems perfectly reasonable to me.
posted by mosch at 7:05 AM on March 9, 2005

Remind him that this is just one of the many, many things--both extraordinarily good and, unfortunately, bad--will happen to him over the course of his life. It helped me.
posted by scratch at 7:08 AM on March 9, 2005

Again, having not walked through this one personally (from the parenting side) I'd have to agree that what you have already done is probably the best that you can do. Show support, let him know that you are there if he needs anything, then back away.

All relationships are a growing process for either sex and he has to learn to deal with this stuff on his own, and in his own way, or he'll never develop the requisite skills to deal with these situations in the future.

As for Disintegration, I would be a lot more concerned if he was not listening to something melancholy. I think it is a pretty natural reaction to align your musical selection with mood.
posted by purephase at 7:22 AM on March 9, 2005

Introduce him to Layla by Derek & the Dominoes & let him use it to help work through the pain. Helped me...
posted by Pressed Rat at 7:25 AM on March 9, 2005

Response by poster: andrew, I do have to say that your comment gave me pause and made me think hard about my son's privacy. Perhaps I tend to think of Mefi/AskMe as a more comfortable communal space than I should. In retrospect, I think you may be right.

Thank you for all for your responses. *downloads Layla*
posted by jokeefe at 7:32 AM on March 9, 2005

Someday he will look back and be impressed that his mother knew which Cure album he was playing. My parents always just screamed "turn that crap off."

But seriously, back off. Let him run this show.
posted by hummus at 7:33 AM on March 9, 2005

When I was the eighteen year old, the best thing my mom did was show her sympathy. Instead of ragging about chores or homework she asked if I was doing okay, asked if there was anything she could do or bring home for me. By respecting the fact that I was hurting, she validated the feelings I was having and made me feel like it was alright and expected to be torn up for a little while. It was probably the most bonding we did during my teen years.

It sounds like you're doing ok. Let him listen to the Cure and brood for awhile, but periodically check in and show him you care - bring him cocoa, ask him how he's doing, back off if he seems resistant. I think it's
posted by annathea at 7:44 AM on March 9, 2005

You'll never discover a cure for the broken heart, but you can be calm and quiet and steady (without being obviously or intrusively helpful). And maybe you can clear little annoyances out of his way or put little pleasantries in his way.

If some little thing always bothered him a little bit before, maybe now it would give him an excuse to be angry, but you could try to arrange for that never to happen right now, assuming you don't have to be ridiculous or obvious about it. What does he always say he can't stand or hates or whatever his "that sucks" phrase is? Now is the time to never run out of X, whatever that X is that he hates when you run out of it. If you're always driving him crazy by telling him to turn it down, now's the time to ignore a few extra decibels.

Or maybe there's some simple thing that always seems to make him a little happier. For example, if he has favorite socks or jeans or a shirt or whatever, you could make sure they're always clean. It sounds stupid, but it might make him feel just a little bit better, a little more comfortable, a little more attractive, a little less awkward.

And if the little things don't help, at least they will do no harm, Hippocrates.
posted by pracowity at 7:49 AM on March 9, 2005

I'd definitely agree that you're on the right track. Just being a parent is the best thing you can do: while I probably wouldn't want to share the details of my love life or heartbreaks with a parent, it would definitely make a difference to feel cared about in small ways when I was feeling crappy, and to know that I did have someone to talked to if I wanted to.


posted by ITheCosmos at 8:05 AM on March 9, 2005

(speaking as a real live 18-year-old, btw)
posted by ITheCosmos at 8:07 AM on March 9, 2005

Listening to his feelings is where you made the best start. Suggest the best initiative from you is keeping him in the public eye by you or his friends going places; shopping, movies, bite to eat & such. Who knows he may find some eye candy while out who will make him forget his last love. Your son deleting her pictures shows this may be a short lived downer in his life. When he opens up to you about this again, you may take the time to share your relationship pitfalls which will make this a learning experience for him in the end.

Also regarding his father not being in the picture, do you both know a man that you think could offer sound advice to your son? As it is easier hearing it, man to man.
posted by thomcatspike at 8:28 AM on March 9, 2005

I think you did the right thing. He came to you, and you listened to him and offered condolences. If he comes to you again, by all means say more along the same lines, but otherwise just let him get through it. Maybe offer to make his favorite dish for dinner or something--just to let him know how much you love him without embarassing him.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:38 AM on March 9, 2005

Haven't been through this as a parent, but have as a teeneager with parents who were rather supremely indifferent. Especially my mother; "Oh it was just a boy, it's not like that counts." But I digress.

You did exactly the right thing, IMHO; you let him know you're there, and then you backed the hell off. Did you have a particular breakup album you'd listen to, that he'd like? Leave it in his room with a note saying something like "I've been there too, hon. This may help for a bit."

Backing off is good; let him come to you to talk if/when he wants to. Keep an eye out for behaviour that's obsessing a bit too much about her/the pain/etc, of course. My guess would be to give him two weeks.. if he's still moping, drag him out of the house, buy some pizza, and get him to talk.

Damn, I wish you'd been my mother :)
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:53 AM on March 9, 2005

Some of the replies above, though sweet, sound a little "soft" to me... if my mom had done such gentle and kind things for me (laundry, favorite food, let's go shopping), I would have felt somewhat embarrassed and weak. Not to discourage you -- you know if your son would appreciate those gestures! What would have helped me, however, would have been an opportunity to build up my self-esteem a bit, since after a breakup, I'd feel like a loser. For me, that could be a day in the nearest city where I could do some separate-from-mom wandering, buy new clothes that no one at school had, CDs, maybe go to a concert... particularly if I could go out on this adventure the next weekend, when I normally would have been out with my ex.
posted by xo at 9:10 AM on March 9, 2005

He's apparently not hurting himself, so it sounds like you've done most of what you can. It wasn't a very long relationship, so he ought to be over it in a week or two. If he holes up for more than that, you may need to drag him out of the house.

If she was cheating on him, just make sure you don't take anything he says personally. It wouldn't be hard for him to lash out at the more present female figures in his life if that happened.

Other than that, you've done most of what you can. It's tough to be a parent and not do something, but sometimes it's what he needs.
posted by Saydur at 9:28 AM on March 9, 2005

In "Love in the Time of Cholera," the mother of the heartbroken Florentino tells him to try to enjoy his pain, milk it for all its worth: these things are more intense when you're young, and you might never feel quite this way again. Ultimately, I'm not sure this is good advice--Florentino essentially puts his life on hold for 50 years in the hopes of winning his lost love back. So while I don't quite agree, it's an interesting perspective to actually embrace your emotions. As awful as it was at the time, I have fond bittersweet memories of my first heartbreak.
posted by muckster at 9:47 AM on March 9, 2005

At his age, he'd probably appreciate you saying, "It makes me worry when I see you sad, because I don't want you to feel that way. I'm not surprised that you're unhappy (in fact, I'd be surprised if you weren't), but if you need anything from me, let me know." Which translates to "I care. Your feelings are valid. I'll help if I can." General rule of thumb is 1 day of recovery for every 2 in the relationship. Give him two weeks.
posted by plinth at 9:49 AM on March 9, 2005

What else can (you) do? You are being his mum. Keep on keeping on. Well done.
posted by dash_slot- at 10:13 AM on March 9, 2005

"The good news is that an 18 year old boy will get over it pretty quickly. "

What a remarkably flippant thing to say. Why would that be true?

I had a serious relationship when I was 18 (going for quite a while), which broke up suddenly (in that I was too naive to see the signs). It took me a good six weeks to get back on track, and a lot longer to feel normal again. I talked to my parents about what I was going through, but hated doing it, as I was largely ashamed of my sadness. That said, it was so important to know they were there.

If your son has any good friends who you think could help him through this (without leading him astray while he's down), then encourage him to see them - that'll help more than anything, IMHO. Also, what plinth said.
posted by ascullion at 10:18 AM on March 9, 2005

Six weeks is pretty quickly. IMHO.
posted by grouse at 10:45 AM on March 9, 2005

I find that Nick Drake's "Five Leaves Left" and Joni Mitchell's "Blue" work wonders for the first, morbid phase. Thereafter Michael Jackson during the "Off The Wall" to "Thriller" era.

Don't take him to see the movie Closer or recommend a revenge date.

But yeah, the rest of the advice is good. Just be there for him, quietly in the background, don't cause too much of a scene, don't talk about other fish in the sea, and just let it pass. It will.
posted by skylar at 11:11 AM on March 9, 2005

I don't know how much of the following applies to your son, so ignore if it doesn't. I'm thinking more about his future relationships than this one (you've had some great advice about that already):

I was a nerdy kid, and I didn't have a real relationship until my late 20s (I dated a little before that, though I never even had a girlfriend until high school). Now I've been with the same woman for nearly 10 years (I'm almost 40), and I'm very happy and content.

But for the first 25 years of my life, I was AGONIZINGLY lonely. No one ever said or did anything helpful. And part of me feels like -- what could they do? As a culture, all of our advice tends to be of the "don't worry, you'll find someone else soon" type. But there are people out there -- loads of them -- who go for years and years (sometimes lifetimes) without any romantic love.

But I do think there are some things they could have done, and being a woman, you are especially equipped to do them.

-- I needed someone to explain woman to me. I didn't really understand them until my mid-twenties.

--I needed someone to explain that desperation is a turnoff.

--I needed someone to tell me how to dress and groom myself. Like most guys, I find women just as attractive in a sack cloth as in a dress, so I assumed women were the same.

--I needed someone to push me to quit trying so hard, get involved in non-romantic activities, make myself into an interesting person, and let the rest take care of itself.

--I needed someone to explain to me that I should stop worrying about my looks (which were pretty impossible to change, other than exercise and fashion) and work on the things that I could change (i.e. personality). And I needed someone to tell me to push forward the great, attractive parts of my personality: my intelligence, sense of humor, etc. I didn't know these could be attractive to women.

Again, your son may be a naturally charismatic kid, and this may not apply to him.
posted by grumblebee at 11:16 AM on March 9, 2005

Damnit grumblebee, where the hell was this information when I was 18? :)
posted by bachelor#3 at 11:21 AM on March 9, 2005

Should I back off, and let him sit in his room listening to The Cure?

Yes. Back off. Make sure he knows he can talk, but let him initiate it. It will be the elephant in the room for a couple of months, but it will blow over. Just make sure he knows that there are those who love him.

I have a 17-year-old son who went through the same thing last year. He has since renewed his friendship (although not as close) with the girl, and asked someone else to his senior prom.
posted by Doohickie at 11:23 AM on March 9, 2005

jokeefe - get the whole double album, not just the song.
posted by Pressed Rat at 12:12 PM on March 9, 2005

Response by poster: Thank you all so much, there is some great advice/feedback here, in pretty much every answer. He asked me this morning to help him organize his art supplies and make a space where he can do some painting, so I think he took the idea of working through feelings creatively to heart; and otherwise I'm just stepping back until he indicates he wants a dose of mothering. Again, many thanks for the thoughtful replies.
posted by jokeefe at 1:07 PM on March 9, 2005

I think you're doing great be being available without crowding him. Grumblebee makes some important points, though. Is there an uncle or older friend who can help impart some manly wisdom and confidence?

Something I didn't quite realize until it was pointed out to me is that we often idealize someone, put her on a pedestal -- and when it doesn't work out, we feel the loss of what we imagined her to be. If he's still pining after a couple of weeks, he might benefit from some analysis of how great she really was vs. how great he wanted her to be.
posted by Tubes at 1:14 PM on March 9, 2005

Introduce him to Layla by Derek & the Dominoes

Not always effective. I'm speaking as a person who has had a deep unrequited crush on a woman named Layla.

Is there an English speaking person alive left to "introduce" that song to? Is there an island somewhere where a person can escape that song? Because maybe that's where I could go.

Good luck to him if the girlfriend's name was Angie, Michelle, Roxanne, etc. etc.
posted by TimTypeZed at 1:59 PM on March 9, 2005

Is there an English speaking person alive left to "introduce" that song to?

Yes. Me. I've never even heard of it. But then I generally only listen to classical and jazz. Maybe that's another reason I had trouble getting dates. Back when I was in High School, people were talking about the BeeGees, and I was saying, "whaaa?"

Is there an island somewhere where a person can escape that song? Because maybe that's where I could go.

Yes. It's called my apartment.
posted by grumblebee at 2:19 PM on March 9, 2005

Ask your fellow Metafilterians to put together a mix CD for the kid.
posted by kindall at 2:28 PM on March 9, 2005

Should I back off, and let him sit in his room listening to The Cure

This happened yesterday. If he's still moping in a month, be concerned. But if I were in your shoes, I'd be more worried if he DIDN'T mope around for a day or two.

Sure, it was a short relationship, but concepts of romance and love are built over a lifetime, and even a short relationship can plug in to those if it's intense enough.

Seriously, though, while your advice to your son was all good and non-critical, I don't think the day after a breakup is the time to even offer it. He's not ready for it. He feels bad. That's normal. Keep an eye on him. Feed him. Don't worry for now.
posted by scarabic at 3:44 PM on March 9, 2005

Response by poster: You all rock. Thank you again.
posted by jokeefe at 4:37 PM on March 9, 2005

I would find it weird if my mom or dad gave me a breakup mix CD or something. Or dad. Breakup music? Totally personal.

Having been 18 not that long ago (though it seems longer, hah) I think the best thing you can give him is space to work it out on his own.
posted by SoftRain at 5:38 PM on March 9, 2005

Almost all of this advice seems good, and you certainly seem to have done as good a job as any mother of an broken-hearted eighteen-year-old. The one useful thing my mother told me when I was similarly crushed at seventeen was a very loving, very honest: "This will probably happen to you many, many times." She didn't add much else, but, for whatever reason, it helped a lot. Maybe because, unlike all the usual platitudes from others ("you'll meet someone else" ,"time heals all wounds", some ridiculous assessment of fish stocks in the sea...), it was something I actually BELIEVED. Believing The Smiths is well and good when you're eighteen and rejected, but - even though I probably wouldn't have admitted it - it was really, really good to be able to believe my mother.
posted by bunglin jones at 5:51 PM on March 9, 2005

jokeefe, I'm impressed that you seem so careful and caring. I'm impressed that you recognize the album he's playing. And I'm really impressed that 18-year-olds are still listening to Disintegration!

I had a fight with a boyfriend when I was a teenager, and for some reason, my mom decided that I was resisting his pressure to have sex...which was not what the fight was actually about at all. She wanted to reward me for my virtuousness, so she bought me a novel about the Medici family. I don't think she looked at it very closely...it turned out to be all about very, very explicit sex. I still have fond memories of that book and that boyfriend.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you seem very tuned in and close to your son, so congratulations! The painting sounds like a wonderful outlet for him. With such a great mom, I'm sure he'll rebound quickly.
posted by equipoise at 10:05 AM on March 10, 2005

Response by poster: I'm impressed that you recognize the album he's playing. And I'm really impressed that 18-year-olds are still listening to Disintegration!

Ah well, The Cure, along with Talking Heads and Echo and the Bunnymen and the Pixies and the whole 80's hit parade are my exact contemporaries. My son's been working his way through the canon of rock in the last year or two (I never thought I'd have to sit through Led Zeppelin IV again, but there you go) while I've been listening to new stuff, with the somewhat odd result that from time to time he will come to me to ask about Bright Eyes or The Arcade Fire and I lend him the CDs, which then disappear into his room. :D

Again, thank you all for your kind words, and he seems to be doing fine.
posted by jokeefe at 12:26 PM on March 10, 2005

I remember phoning my mom at age 18 when this happened to me. I was sort of nervous about phoning her, I didn't know if what she would have to say would make me feel better, or worse.

I still remember some of what she said: "You know, girls at this age sometimes are just 'flexing their muscles', in a way, seeing what they can do to attract a boy. They may not take it very seriously." I don't remember exactly what else she said, but she made it clear that she loved me, she sympathized, and that she knew it'd get better with time.

It was greatly comforting. I do applaud you for being involved and letting your son know he's still loved and that the world has not narrowed down to this singular event - that, to me, seems to be the important part.
posted by ikkyu2 at 1:18 AM on March 12, 2005

My mom couldn't pick a cure album out of a lineup. We have some overlapping tastes, but he is a very lucky guy to have a parent (or even someone in the same house) that he can go to and say "hey I just got this great new CD that i think you'll like, check it out". The importance of having this kind of connection should not be minimized.

Everyone has been saying the right things. However, if you're both so musically inclined, might i suggest an iTunes gift certificate for him to make his own breakup mix. Shows you care but not overbearing enough to be creepy (Shins be damned).

Perspective always helps, but it will come with time.

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering, and it's all over much too soon." -Woody Allen
posted by softlord at 10:28 AM on March 13, 2005