Breaking Up is Hard To Do
July 27, 2010 5:19 PM Subscribe
I need help on how to deal with (i.e., break up with) my girlfriend with mental health issues.
I'm 25 and I've been with my girlfriend (my first) for almost two years now. We have some great times together and I love spending time with her sometimes. She moved in with me at the beginning of the year. She has been raped twice and since graduating this past May, is taking time to deal with the fallout that came with those traumatic experiences (alcoholism, depression, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts) and is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.
I have been supportive throughout all of this (I met her right after her most recent rape) and I do love her, but I can't say that I am very happy in the relationship. The good times are good, but she does have a bad temper (e.g., screaming in public), she places high expectations on me, and tells me I don't pay enough attention to her. She says she is improving and in some ways she is, and then tells me that I'm not improving in any way.
We have been fighting more than usual recently, with the last straw coming this past weekend when she threw a tantrum in front of my sister and friends, who we were visiting out of town. She claimed that I misrepresented what we would be doing over the weekend (in that she thought we would spend more time together), and that I completely ignored her pleas for help when she was feeling sick on Sunday.
I finally came clean about all the problems to my sister, who thinks that I am too nice person, that I'm getting mistreated and that I should end the relationship. The GF and I have been fighting non-stop since yesterday even though things were calmer on our trip back after I apologized since my sister put things in perspective and I took back my apology.
I'm not here to necessarily ask whether I should end things -- I think I am ready to. It's more about how I should go about it. She has stated multiple times that if we break up, she will probably end up moving back home and probably end up killing herself (and she has tried to kill herself once before, and we went to the hospital a few weeks ago because she was having suicidal thoughts). I love her and I don't want to see her hurt herself, but I also don't want to be with someone I am unhappy with.
I am looking to find a therapist of my own to talk to about these issues (and asking them if I should talk to her doctors before actually breaking up), but I thought I'd put it to you guys to see if you had any thoughts on the situation.
I'm 25 and I've been with my girlfriend (my first) for almost two years now. We have some great times together and I love spending time with her sometimes. She moved in with me at the beginning of the year. She has been raped twice and since graduating this past May, is taking time to deal with the fallout that came with those traumatic experiences (alcoholism, depression, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts) and is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.
I have been supportive throughout all of this (I met her right after her most recent rape) and I do love her, but I can't say that I am very happy in the relationship. The good times are good, but she does have a bad temper (e.g., screaming in public), she places high expectations on me, and tells me I don't pay enough attention to her. She says she is improving and in some ways she is, and then tells me that I'm not improving in any way.
We have been fighting more than usual recently, with the last straw coming this past weekend when she threw a tantrum in front of my sister and friends, who we were visiting out of town. She claimed that I misrepresented what we would be doing over the weekend (in that she thought we would spend more time together), and that I completely ignored her pleas for help when she was feeling sick on Sunday.
I finally came clean about all the problems to my sister, who thinks that I am too nice person, that I'm getting mistreated and that I should end the relationship. The GF and I have been fighting non-stop since yesterday even though things were calmer on our trip back after I apologized since my sister put things in perspective and I took back my apology.
I'm not here to necessarily ask whether I should end things -- I think I am ready to. It's more about how I should go about it. She has stated multiple times that if we break up, she will probably end up moving back home and probably end up killing herself (and she has tried to kill herself once before, and we went to the hospital a few weeks ago because she was having suicidal thoughts). I love her and I don't want to see her hurt herself, but I also don't want to be with someone I am unhappy with.
I am looking to find a therapist of my own to talk to about these issues (and asking them if I should talk to her doctors before actually breaking up), but I thought I'd put it to you guys to see if you had any thoughts on the situation.
Therapist is a good idea. Given your situation and your sister's comments, there's a good chance you're codependent. As one myself, this can make it extremely hard to leave someone who you feel responsible for. A combination of a controlling relationship (her threats/acts of suicide definitely fall into that) with a codependent personality make it very hard to leave this sort of relationship. Another resource for that is CODA. I'm not your therapist and I'm not trying to diagnose you, but it's worth a look -- if you are, it will be harder to leave than it would be for other people.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:25 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by wildcrdj at 5:25 PM on July 27, 2010
I had to go though something similar in terms of SO psychological issues and breaking up. Looking back on it, I WAS codependent, and she made all the same threats of suicide and whatnot. At the end of the day, you just need to be kind, gentle, and quick. It sounds like no matter how you go about it, she will go on emotional tilt (maybe not) and you should be prepared for that.
Try and set up a scenario where she could have a close friend or family member around, and make sure you have somewhere to head off to with other people, close friends or family. It'll most likely be just as hard on you, be ready for that.
I tried to do it face-to-face and broke down trying, and ended up doing it over the phone because it was just too hard. Yeah it was a wussie way out, but I tried and I couldn't.
I don't envy your position, and it'll be hard, but from my experience you'll be happier in the long run, much happier.
Also it was my first SO, but I was a few years younger then you. MeMail me if you'd like.
posted by irishcoffee at 5:48 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Try and set up a scenario where she could have a close friend or family member around, and make sure you have somewhere to head off to with other people, close friends or family. It'll most likely be just as hard on you, be ready for that.
I tried to do it face-to-face and broke down trying, and ended up doing it over the phone because it was just too hard. Yeah it was a wussie way out, but I tried and I couldn't.
I don't envy your position, and it'll be hard, but from my experience you'll be happier in the long run, much happier.
Also it was my first SO, but I was a few years younger then you. MeMail me if you'd like.
posted by irishcoffee at 5:48 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
The most important thing you can know right now is this:
If she does, at some point, decide to kill herself, it's not your fault and will have nothing to do with you. Do everything you can to embed that knowledge in your heart and mind, because it is beyond true.
I'd normally say a public place is safest and best for this sort of thing, but your recounting of her reactions makes it seem like being in the home of someone who cares about her and is able to let her have her reaction without dragging you back into it would be better.
It's not likely you'll be able to talk to her healthcare providers, but if there's a way to let one of her family members know without leading to her getting the information second-hand before you get the chance, that's not a bad idea. Having someone prepared for her to be in a suboptimal state of mind can keep things more balanced (or at least provide a resource to lessen potential acting out).
Since you do live with her, you'll have to be prepared to make arrangements for her to get her belongings. That is probably going to be the most difficult part. If you can have same family member agree to come by with her to get her things, that will likely make it easier for everyone...and safer for you.
Regardless of what you choose to do, if she begins threatening suicide or violence, call 911. I know that may seem like overreacting, but threats in that state of mind should be taken seriously AND she should know that they will be.
Strength to you.
posted by batmonkey at 6:04 PM on July 27, 2010 [5 favorites]
If she does, at some point, decide to kill herself, it's not your fault and will have nothing to do with you. Do everything you can to embed that knowledge in your heart and mind, because it is beyond true.
I'd normally say a public place is safest and best for this sort of thing, but your recounting of her reactions makes it seem like being in the home of someone who cares about her and is able to let her have her reaction without dragging you back into it would be better.
It's not likely you'll be able to talk to her healthcare providers, but if there's a way to let one of her family members know without leading to her getting the information second-hand before you get the chance, that's not a bad idea. Having someone prepared for her to be in a suboptimal state of mind can keep things more balanced (or at least provide a resource to lessen potential acting out).
Since you do live with her, you'll have to be prepared to make arrangements for her to get her belongings. That is probably going to be the most difficult part. If you can have same family member agree to come by with her to get her things, that will likely make it easier for everyone...and safer for you.
Regardless of what you choose to do, if she begins threatening suicide or violence, call 911. I know that may seem like overreacting, but threats in that state of mind should be taken seriously AND she should know that they will be.
Strength to you.
posted by batmonkey at 6:04 PM on July 27, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think there is some very supportive and good advice here. Be clear, do not equivocate, do not offer "hope" for reconciliation unless you are absolutely certain there are specific circumstances for reconcile. Do not get drug into arguments about why, whose fault, how could you, etc. Do not have this discussion with her if she has been drinking or late at night. Better to have it when she can mobilize support if that is what she wishes If she brings up suicide you can say something to the effect of:"I sincerely hope that is not a choice you exercise". I do not see any reason you can not let her physician and therapist know you have done this. You can call their office and leave a message for him/her. Do not do it until after you have broken up. A simple message stating you want them to be aware that you have terminated your relationship with xxxxx and if they have any concerns or question leave them a number. I can not imagine they will call but a heads up about an important change in a patients life is not unwarranted. Their office can not even tell you if she is a patient but that does not mean they will not take a message.
I wish you well, in reality this happens quite often, is often necessary for the well being of the person terminating the relationship. Remember, you are doing this for your well being, do not try and convince her it is in her best interest. For both of your sakes, once you have terminated the relationship do not get caught up in your own guilt or any efforts on her part to reconcile, reach out or threaten. My best wishes for both of you.
posted by rmhsinc at 6:15 PM on July 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
I wish you well, in reality this happens quite often, is often necessary for the well being of the person terminating the relationship. Remember, you are doing this for your well being, do not try and convince her it is in her best interest. For both of your sakes, once you have terminated the relationship do not get caught up in your own guilt or any efforts on her part to reconcile, reach out or threaten. My best wishes for both of you.
posted by rmhsinc at 6:15 PM on July 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
An after thought. I ran an emergency mental health agency that saw 600-900 persons per month. We saw almost every attempted suicide in the region except those that required emergency medical stabilization--and then we saw them after they were medically stabilized. Some persons with preexisting psychiatric problems do attempt suicide due to the termination of a significant relationship--many more threaten suicide and very very few commit suicide. A suicide threat should be taken seriously but if at all possible you should not be the one involved in intervening--advise family, friends, professionals of her threats. If she does actually threaten suicide in your presence it is entirely appropriate to call 911 and remain until they arrive. Tell 911 she has a history of mental illness and is threatening suicide. Do not let her talk you out of calling or threaten you. Call, stay focused and leave politely when they arrive. Give them other contacts--family, professionals etc. As I said --drinking dramatically increases the probability of a threat and an attempt. This is hard to frame in a sympathetic way--but once you terminate the relationship you need to not be involved. it only confuses, adds additional stress and prolongs pain. You have not been married and you do not have children. Your obligation is to be clear, honest and see that people who can be supportive are notified and or available to her.
posted by rmhsinc at 6:43 PM on July 27, 2010 [24 favorites]
posted by rmhsinc at 6:43 PM on July 27, 2010 [24 favorites]
It is good to get a therapist for yourself – you deserve that much, and the help can be worthwhile.
But in my opinion, these kinds of situations most of all call for a psychiatrist to act as a mediator. What needs to happen is that you need to be able to withdraw from this relationship without her attempting to hold you hostage; and she's shown clear signs that she's ready, willing, and able to try to threaten you if you try to leave. Having this happen with a therapist allows the situation to be under the guidance and control of someone who's sane enough and detached enough both to recognize when those kinds of threats are taking place ("if you ever left me I'd probably kill myself...") and to step in and put a quick and careful stop to it, so that both of you can move on.
This is particularly important because you need to be able to free yourself from any lingering guilt or worry about where she's at and how she's doing, and what you might erroneously fear you've "done to her" by leaving. (You clearly understand that anything she does is not your responsibility, but I know for those of us who are "too nice" it's hard to remember that oftentimes.) If you break up with her in the presence of a psychiatrist, you should be able to leave the relationship confident that you left her in the best possible place for her to find actual help for her problems.
Have you met her therapist or psychiatrist? If you are comfortable with either of them, or even if you're just comfortable with what she's told you about either of them, I might approach one of them and ask them to mediate this and be part of the discussion. If you don't feel comfortable with them, you might look for a therapist and see them once or twice to talk with them about this idea before bringing her in and working through it. You'll have to break it to her initially on your own (I think that's almost always the best way) – but I think you'll find it's much easier to do this if you add that you also want to go through some counseling together to make sure that, at the very least, you leave things at the right place with her.
It may seem counter-intuitive – going through some couples' therapy as a prelude to breaking off a relationship – but I can tell you from experience that it's actually a very good idea. Particularly in your case, where the real danger (I think) is the potential you have to worry about whether you did something wrong by leaving. This way, you can walk away without any reasons to worry, knowing that you did your best and that she's in the best hands she can be in to help her.
posted by koeselitz at 7:31 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
But in my opinion, these kinds of situations most of all call for a psychiatrist to act as a mediator. What needs to happen is that you need to be able to withdraw from this relationship without her attempting to hold you hostage; and she's shown clear signs that she's ready, willing, and able to try to threaten you if you try to leave. Having this happen with a therapist allows the situation to be under the guidance and control of someone who's sane enough and detached enough both to recognize when those kinds of threats are taking place ("if you ever left me I'd probably kill myself...") and to step in and put a quick and careful stop to it, so that both of you can move on.
This is particularly important because you need to be able to free yourself from any lingering guilt or worry about where she's at and how she's doing, and what you might erroneously fear you've "done to her" by leaving. (You clearly understand that anything she does is not your responsibility, but I know for those of us who are "too nice" it's hard to remember that oftentimes.) If you break up with her in the presence of a psychiatrist, you should be able to leave the relationship confident that you left her in the best possible place for her to find actual help for her problems.
Have you met her therapist or psychiatrist? If you are comfortable with either of them, or even if you're just comfortable with what she's told you about either of them, I might approach one of them and ask them to mediate this and be part of the discussion. If you don't feel comfortable with them, you might look for a therapist and see them once or twice to talk with them about this idea before bringing her in and working through it. You'll have to break it to her initially on your own (I think that's almost always the best way) – but I think you'll find it's much easier to do this if you add that you also want to go through some counseling together to make sure that, at the very least, you leave things at the right place with her.
It may seem counter-intuitive – going through some couples' therapy as a prelude to breaking off a relationship – but I can tell you from experience that it's actually a very good idea. Particularly in your case, where the real danger (I think) is the potential you have to worry about whether you did something wrong by leaving. This way, you can walk away without any reasons to worry, knowing that you did your best and that she's in the best hands she can be in to help her.
posted by koeselitz at 7:31 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with your sister - end the relationship ASAP. Your girl has issues, but she should allow you to help her with her issues. You've been more than supportive through all of it, and it seems like she doesn't appreciate you or want your help. This relationship is causing you to have issues and it could be a hindrance to achieving your goals in life.
posted by Invisible_Jam at 7:38 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by Invisible_Jam at 7:38 PM on July 27, 2010
Add me to the been there, done that camp. There's a very good case to be made that both me and my ex are more mature and self-sufficient people now and we are better off for it.
I was in individual therapy at the time and it was very, very, very helpful in resolving my own feelings of fear and guilt. Your idea to seek out a therapist is beyond sensible. I was lucky to receive the advice that living close to someone who has experienced trauma is its own type of trauma and deserves help.
The less she sees or hears from you after the break-up, the easier things will be for her. Once you initiate this break-up, don't do any flip-flopping. Stick to your initial story, a concise one (don't go into the talk with your sister, for instance), and your initial plan for contact (zero or limited to sorting out the household). (Obviously, break-up sex is 100% out of the picture. I'm also saying this for the sake of future readers who might have this same question.)
Don't plan on seeing her after the break-up. If you share any common hang-outs, it would be kind to be sparse for a while. Be out of the house when she's getting her things if you think she can be trusted. If you find any of her forgotten stuff after that, set it aside in one place and return it to her in one big transaction or reasonably immediately if she asks about it. Hopefully she'll have friends to help her with all of this. Let her have those friends without interference. If there are items that you both bought that are of no particular value to you, don't fight over them just to prove some idea of fairness. If there are things that are of value, you may want to consider finding a mediator.
I was concerned about my SO's privacy. In retrospect, it would have been smart to bring more relevant, caring people into the loop sooner but I'm still not sure where I should have drawn that line. Supportive family members should certainly be in the loop. Talking too much with her own friends might make it look like a conspiracy and she might feel betrayed by them. Use your judgment. I don't think it would be a good idea to do some kind of "couples counseling" with her existing therapists. She needs them to be for her and only for her. On the other hand, a one-off crisis counselor who has contact info for the current therapist might be a good idea. I think privacy ends where safety starts in cases like this, but it is good practice to ask permission when possible.
There was an incident where I had to take an ex to the ER due to a suicide attempt (this was well, well after the breakup, had nothing to do with that breakup and turned out to be not-life-threatening, thankfully). I drove to her place, asked her the details of the attempt, then told her we were driving to the ER. No accusations/guilt, just facts. I explained the situation to the ER staff and asked if I could be excused. Then I called a close friend of my ex's and had them come wait and help. After my ex was discharged, the three of us went to her home and I helped her make a safety plan. I was comfortable being on that list at that time, but I also made sure that I wasn't the only one there. As exes, we should not put ourselves in a situation where we're the only one to lean on. Enlist help. Threats of suicide from an ex should be handled neutrally and decisively: 911. Reacting emotionally is rewarding the behavior. A trip to the ER is a pretty good deterrent.
If your SO's parents are supportive and in the loop about her suicidal ideas, her moving back in with them could be a very good thing. A familiar, supportive and supervised environment is a good place for her to be. I actually got some grief for "kicking" my ex our of our shared apartment from people who were not in the loop. Oh well, it was the right thing to do.
I did strongly encourage my ex to go to her parent's house and to take our cat (which was hard for me to do, but she needed our cat more than I did.) She packed and I walked her to her car. We didn't get too deeply into the "why" details at that time, thankfully. Be kind, concise and calm. Don't bite if she says something that is hurtful to you. Ignore it. Do not use any form of the "let's be friends" line. If she mentions it on her own, say that you would like to be friends (if that's true) but some time will have to pass until you're both ready. You may want to encourage her parents or mutual friends to help her make a safety plan.
You may want a plan in case she refuses to leave the apartment. In that case, have an idea where you will go (or if you're willing to stay) and who you will contact to stay with her at your place either way.
People have used the phrase "codependent" here. I don't know about that. I do know that you're a caring individual. Don't be afraid to do the things that are in your power to help your SO be safe. Don't blame yourself for the things that are outside your power -- most things are and suicidal thoughts of others are definitely outside our power. What we do know at this point in time is that she's alive and you were an important part of her first steps of recovery from trauma. We also know that you've done all that you can do and it's now her turn to take care of herself and to accept help from someone else. We have no idea what the future may bring or how our actions affect it. It's very likely that your SO's well-being is best served by breaking it off in a timely and mindful manner. Staying together might be just as stressful because our intimate connections often know when something has changed.
Start think now about some of the contingencies of your own self-care: If you stay in the apartment, how are you going to pay both sides of the rent (this was unexpectedly painful in the long run in my situation), who will you turn to for support, what are the things you can do to handle stress?
Best wishes. Feel free to MeMail any questions..
posted by Skwirl at 9:25 PM on July 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
I was in individual therapy at the time and it was very, very, very helpful in resolving my own feelings of fear and guilt. Your idea to seek out a therapist is beyond sensible. I was lucky to receive the advice that living close to someone who has experienced trauma is its own type of trauma and deserves help.
The less she sees or hears from you after the break-up, the easier things will be for her. Once you initiate this break-up, don't do any flip-flopping. Stick to your initial story, a concise one (don't go into the talk with your sister, for instance), and your initial plan for contact (zero or limited to sorting out the household). (Obviously, break-up sex is 100% out of the picture. I'm also saying this for the sake of future readers who might have this same question.)
Don't plan on seeing her after the break-up. If you share any common hang-outs, it would be kind to be sparse for a while. Be out of the house when she's getting her things if you think she can be trusted. If you find any of her forgotten stuff after that, set it aside in one place and return it to her in one big transaction or reasonably immediately if she asks about it. Hopefully she'll have friends to help her with all of this. Let her have those friends without interference. If there are items that you both bought that are of no particular value to you, don't fight over them just to prove some idea of fairness. If there are things that are of value, you may want to consider finding a mediator.
I was concerned about my SO's privacy. In retrospect, it would have been smart to bring more relevant, caring people into the loop sooner but I'm still not sure where I should have drawn that line. Supportive family members should certainly be in the loop. Talking too much with her own friends might make it look like a conspiracy and she might feel betrayed by them. Use your judgment. I don't think it would be a good idea to do some kind of "couples counseling" with her existing therapists. She needs them to be for her and only for her. On the other hand, a one-off crisis counselor who has contact info for the current therapist might be a good idea. I think privacy ends where safety starts in cases like this, but it is good practice to ask permission when possible.
There was an incident where I had to take an ex to the ER due to a suicide attempt (this was well, well after the breakup, had nothing to do with that breakup and turned out to be not-life-threatening, thankfully). I drove to her place, asked her the details of the attempt, then told her we were driving to the ER. No accusations/guilt, just facts. I explained the situation to the ER staff and asked if I could be excused. Then I called a close friend of my ex's and had them come wait and help. After my ex was discharged, the three of us went to her home and I helped her make a safety plan. I was comfortable being on that list at that time, but I also made sure that I wasn't the only one there. As exes, we should not put ourselves in a situation where we're the only one to lean on. Enlist help. Threats of suicide from an ex should be handled neutrally and decisively: 911. Reacting emotionally is rewarding the behavior. A trip to the ER is a pretty good deterrent.
If your SO's parents are supportive and in the loop about her suicidal ideas, her moving back in with them could be a very good thing. A familiar, supportive and supervised environment is a good place for her to be. I actually got some grief for "kicking" my ex our of our shared apartment from people who were not in the loop. Oh well, it was the right thing to do.
I did strongly encourage my ex to go to her parent's house and to take our cat (which was hard for me to do, but she needed our cat more than I did.) She packed and I walked her to her car. We didn't get too deeply into the "why" details at that time, thankfully. Be kind, concise and calm. Don't bite if she says something that is hurtful to you. Ignore it. Do not use any form of the "let's be friends" line. If she mentions it on her own, say that you would like to be friends (if that's true) but some time will have to pass until you're both ready. You may want to encourage her parents or mutual friends to help her make a safety plan.
You may want a plan in case she refuses to leave the apartment. In that case, have an idea where you will go (or if you're willing to stay) and who you will contact to stay with her at your place either way.
People have used the phrase "codependent" here. I don't know about that. I do know that you're a caring individual. Don't be afraid to do the things that are in your power to help your SO be safe. Don't blame yourself for the things that are outside your power -- most things are and suicidal thoughts of others are definitely outside our power. What we do know at this point in time is that she's alive and you were an important part of her first steps of recovery from trauma. We also know that you've done all that you can do and it's now her turn to take care of herself and to accept help from someone else. We have no idea what the future may bring or how our actions affect it. It's very likely that your SO's well-being is best served by breaking it off in a timely and mindful manner. Staying together might be just as stressful because our intimate connections often know when something has changed.
Start think now about some of the contingencies of your own self-care: If you stay in the apartment, how are you going to pay both sides of the rent (this was unexpectedly painful in the long run in my situation), who will you turn to for support, what are the things you can do to handle stress?
Best wishes. Feel free to MeMail any questions..
posted by Skwirl at 9:25 PM on July 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
She has stated multiple times that if we break up, she will probably end up moving back home and probably end up killing herself
That's called emotional blackmail. You, my friend, are a lot like me (and I've had that girlfriend, I might add) -- you're enabling her bad behavior, and she will benefit as much as you will if you break up. Mind you, she may not benefit right away, but it will be a step on her journey to discover that she has to be an adult instead of a rampaging, out-of-control spoiled toddler of a person.
Of course, let's take the worst-case scenario: you really are such an amazing phenomenal person that, if you leave, she'll kill herself. Do you really think you're that important? You're not. If she really uses this as the catalyst to do herself in, she's got much, much, much deeper emotional issues than you'd ever be able to help her through. This is her journey, not yours, and as long as you break up with her in a simple, clean, firm way, the results of her journey are hers to own, having nothing to do with you.
What I suspect will happen is this: you'll break up with her, she'll scream and yell and punch and make your life miserable for a while, and if you can keep yourself from engaging in any way, she'll move on. So, make sure you have a battle plan: where you'll live, or how you'll get her out, how quickly you can change the locks if you stay, how quickly you can get your stuff out if you leave, and more than anything else: how you will have the willpower to stay away when she leaves horrible messages on your answering machine and somesuch. Did I mention, don't engage?
Good luck. You deserve better than this, and the sooner you do this, the sooner the worst parts of the process will be over with. Arguably, the dread is worse than the reality of it.
posted by davejay at 10:04 PM on July 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
That's called emotional blackmail. You, my friend, are a lot like me (and I've had that girlfriend, I might add) -- you're enabling her bad behavior, and she will benefit as much as you will if you break up. Mind you, she may not benefit right away, but it will be a step on her journey to discover that she has to be an adult instead of a rampaging, out-of-control spoiled toddler of a person.
Of course, let's take the worst-case scenario: you really are such an amazing phenomenal person that, if you leave, she'll kill herself. Do you really think you're that important? You're not. If she really uses this as the catalyst to do herself in, she's got much, much, much deeper emotional issues than you'd ever be able to help her through. This is her journey, not yours, and as long as you break up with her in a simple, clean, firm way, the results of her journey are hers to own, having nothing to do with you.
What I suspect will happen is this: you'll break up with her, she'll scream and yell and punch and make your life miserable for a while, and if you can keep yourself from engaging in any way, she'll move on. So, make sure you have a battle plan: where you'll live, or how you'll get her out, how quickly you can change the locks if you stay, how quickly you can get your stuff out if you leave, and more than anything else: how you will have the willpower to stay away when she leaves horrible messages on your answering machine and somesuch. Did I mention, don't engage?
Good luck. You deserve better than this, and the sooner you do this, the sooner the worst parts of the process will be over with. Arguably, the dread is worse than the reality of it.
posted by davejay at 10:04 PM on July 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
Everything everybody above said (for the most part), but if it were me, I would call her mother (or another close person--I say her mother because you said she's probably move back home) immediately after breaking up/leaving and let her know the situation so she is at least aware. But like other said, her threats to kill herself (even if she did go ahead with an attempt) are a form of emotional blackmail/manipulation and any (potential) resulting attempts would really have nothing to do with you but rather her own issues projected on to you and her need for love/codependence/companionship/whatever. In the end, you have to look after yourself and do what's best for you.
posted by 1000monkeys at 10:41 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by 1000monkeys at 10:41 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I broke up with my previous long-term boyfriend, he fell into a spiral of panic attacks that made me fear that he would harm himself. I accompanied him to the ER once - I don't advise it. After that, the situation continued - he was so afraid to face his life without me that he couldn't stand to be away from me, and I tried to help him, foolishly.
Eventually I called his mother. His family was vacationing, and I asked them to leave and come to him, which they did. I didn't feel very good about myself but I didn't know what else to do. Ultimately it was the right move.
My point is that someone else needs to help this girl through this difficult time, not you. Find that someone and consider your moral duty done. Then break off contact as cleanly as possible.
posted by mai at 12:38 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Eventually I called his mother. His family was vacationing, and I asked them to leave and come to him, which they did. I didn't feel very good about myself but I didn't know what else to do. Ultimately it was the right move.
My point is that someone else needs to help this girl through this difficult time, not you. Find that someone and consider your moral duty done. Then break off contact as cleanly as possible.
posted by mai at 12:38 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have been "that girl" and your walking away and not enabling her manipulation is the best thing you can do for her.Seriously. Of course you can't help but feel bad, and be compassionate--you'd be a pretty heartless monster not to--but the fact is she has an illness and it's not your fault, any more than if she were epileptic or had a heart condition or diabetes it would be your fault.
I'll repeat what others have said: cut ties, stay calm, call family members if necessary but above all do not let yourself get sucked back in. Don't try to be her friend, that will only make it harder on her. Just walk away.
posted by cottonswab at 5:05 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'll repeat what others have said: cut ties, stay calm, call family members if necessary but above all do not let yourself get sucked back in. Don't try to be her friend, that will only make it harder on her. Just walk away.
posted by cottonswab at 5:05 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of very perceptive replies already, and I agree with what everyone has already said. One interesting question would be, what exactly could you say if she tells you "if you leave me I am going to kill myself"? My own reply if someone were ever to say something like that to me, would be, "I am leaving you anyway, and I am not responsible for your life or your death. I hope that you don't kill yourself, but we all do what we must. If you kill yourself, I will attend the funeral."
posted by grizzled at 7:19 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by grizzled at 7:19 AM on July 28, 2010
We have some great times together and I love spending time with her sometimes.
This is a no-brainer for me. Most probably she never even was your girlfriend, because: you do not like spending time with her; you outsource relationship decisions, instead of trusting your judgment and working through the issues with the "girlfriend". I will even say I doubt the truthfulness of you re-telling her "if we breakup" scenario here.
Women stay in relationships of this sort out of hope that they will "return" to the very first days/weeks, when the "boyfriend" was blowing hot. Could very well be, she is still working through daily suicidal thoughts, and what she in fact says, albeit from a very destructive and negative point: being in this relationship is what gives strength; this strength will be removed, as she sees, in case of breaking up.
She claimed that I misrepresented what we would be doing over the weekend (in that she thought we would spend more time together), and that I completely ignored her pleas for help when she was feeling sick on Sunday.
Are you saying she just invented the above? The sort of emotional "management of expectations level" where time/other resources are consistently withheld from the primary relationship can drive anyone from good emotional health to a complete wreck, and for long-term. She was not in good emotional health to start with.
The truth is, you do not want to, cannot and will not give her what she needs. And THAT is the appropriate argument for breaking up.
That said, there is one element in your logic that I wholeheartedly support: do talk to her therapist(s), if that is possible.
grizzled, I sincerely hope you stay away from volunteering for a crisis hotline.
posted by Jurate at 4:13 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is a no-brainer for me. Most probably she never even was your girlfriend, because: you do not like spending time with her; you outsource relationship decisions, instead of trusting your judgment and working through the issues with the "girlfriend". I will even say I doubt the truthfulness of you re-telling her "if we breakup" scenario here.
Women stay in relationships of this sort out of hope that they will "return" to the very first days/weeks, when the "boyfriend" was blowing hot. Could very well be, she is still working through daily suicidal thoughts, and what she in fact says, albeit from a very destructive and negative point: being in this relationship is what gives strength; this strength will be removed, as she sees, in case of breaking up.
She claimed that I misrepresented what we would be doing over the weekend (in that she thought we would spend more time together), and that I completely ignored her pleas for help when she was feeling sick on Sunday.
Are you saying she just invented the above? The sort of emotional "management of expectations level" where time/other resources are consistently withheld from the primary relationship can drive anyone from good emotional health to a complete wreck, and for long-term. She was not in good emotional health to start with.
The truth is, you do not want to, cannot and will not give her what she needs. And THAT is the appropriate argument for breaking up.
That said, there is one element in your logic that I wholeheartedly support: do talk to her therapist(s), if that is possible.
grizzled, I sincerely hope you stay away from volunteering for a crisis hotline.
posted by Jurate at 4:13 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:25 PM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]