How do I pump people for information?

July 26, 2010 9:38 AM

Too often, I finish a conversation and realize I spent the whole time talking about myself. How do I turn this around?

It's not, I think, that I'm that self-centred. It follows a pattern of they ask me questions, and I naively try to be helpful by answering.

I am a naturally curious person. I want to know about other people. But my conversational skills are kind of weak.

So how do I learn to dig myself out of this rut? How do I make sure I always leave a conversation having learned something new?

posted by RobotHero to Human Relations (25 answers total)

At the very least, remember to ask, if this is applicable: "What about you?"
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:49 AM on July 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Also: "How can I stop dominating the conversation?"

You might want to keep in mind some general conversation-starters here, here, here...

This comment gives a clever formula for asking questions.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:57 AM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Don't be afraid of silence. Stop at the end of an answer for a moment.

Pause.

Turn your interlocutor's questions back on themselves. Think about what you want to learn about them. Ask.

Pause.

Slow down.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:57 AM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

"And yourself?" Then ask follow-up questions about their answer.
posted by biochemist at 9:58 AM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Reading some of those other conversation threads, now I'm wondering if I'm butting heads with other people following this advice. There was one example with two people talking about skiing, and it seemed exactly like what I'm talking about, only I would spend the whole time trying to stop talking about my ski trip while the other guy keeps asking questions about my damn ski trip.
posted by RobotHero at 10:30 AM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

But you have exactly the same opportunity to ask questions that anyone else has. So, you're talking about skiing and the other guy has all sorts of questions about your trip. It's good that he is interested, and it's good to answer his questions, but you can ask him questions as well. Where does he like to ski? How long has he been skiing, how did he learn to ski, what kind of equipment does he use, is he afraid of skiing injuries, does he ski alone or with friends, what does he particularly like or dislike about skiing, are there other sports that he likes as much as skiing, and so forth, there are endless questions that one could ask.
posted by grizzled at 10:47 AM on July 26, 2010

The harsh reality: you should stop assuming that your ski trip is special or helpful or even interesting.

Almost all conversation (unless with very good friends/ nearest and dearest), is like a dance between two people -- intrinsically useless, but valuable in terms of setting up future interactions or determining friendship potential.
posted by moiraine at 10:52 AM on July 26, 2010

Oops, I forgot to add: The value of conversation is not in the content of the conversation, but rather the way in which the conversation was carried out. It's like a Sunday tennis match between two casual tennis players looking for a good time. No one wants to play with the super-aggressive and competitive player who tries too hard to "win" by dominating the game. Rather, if you were looking for a good time, you'll rather play with the player who responds with easy serves and tries to keep the ball in air as long as possible.
posted by moiraine at 10:59 AM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Conversation is like a ball. When someone passes it to you, you don't just sit there with it for the rest of the game. I like this metaphor because it reminds me to pass the ball to the next player before too long.
posted by Aquaman at 11:22 AM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

I do this all the time. One trick I have is to always ask one good follow-up question to what the other person says, every time. That makes you listen to what they're saying instead of waiting for your turn to talk, and that is what makes people think you're a great conversationalist.
posted by Etrigan at 11:29 AM on July 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

I agree with everybody and just want to add: Practice. Rehearse. Find somebody to do this with. If you don't have anybody to practice with, please say so.
posted by DMelanogaster at 12:43 PM on July 26, 2010

This is ridiculous, but here goes. I imagine Jon Polito, in character as sweaty Johnny Caspar from Miller's Crossing, sitting behind my shoulder, a little too close. He is saying in my ear: "A little less you talk, a little more you listen!" And it works.
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 12:45 PM on July 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

You might try taking a look at...
1. Conducting Successful Interrogations, FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, Oct 1998
2. or, Marshal, Colin, "What I can tell you about interviewing after conducting, editing and broadcasting 100 of them," 25 Feb 2010
3. or even ... "Structured Interviews," OPM, Sept 2008.

While the content above might seem to miss the mark -- after all you're looking for help in casual conversations.

All three documents provide various techniques for elicitting information from your conversation partner -- getting them to talk more than you.
posted by cheez-it at 1:45 PM on July 26, 2010 [5 favorites]

Let Dale Carnegie teach you how. This book, which has sold 15 million copies, is exactly what you need. You can probably read it in one sitting.
posted by neuron at 2:46 PM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: @grizzled: Maybe my problem is how when there are "endless questions that [I] could ask," I freeze up on picking just one of them.

@cheez-it: Well, I probably don't want it to feel like an FBI interrogation, but the Colin Marshal link is excellent.



Would "why do you ask?" be too much putting someone on the spot? Like:

Him- "Skiing, eh? Where did you go?"
Me- "Oh, we went to Spring Hill. Why do you ask?"

is he going to respond:
"I ... was just trying to make conversation, sorry."
or
"I want to know what's a good place to ski."

(I ask because it feels like a decent multi-purpose question that I can use even when all I know about someone is they ask a lot of questions.)
posted by RobotHero at 3:24 PM on July 26, 2010

I once watched a NYTimes published reporter quiz my sister about her life in a friendly, non professional setting.

After watching that happen I believe that the opposite of what you currently do, to give nothing of yourself and pump others for information, is a skill that can be practiced, rehearsed, and refined.

The trick she (the reporter) used was Etrigan's method outlined in this thread.
posted by sleslie at 3:27 PM on July 26, 2010

Would "why do you ask?" be too much putting someone on the spot?

Yes, because it's an open ended question that's hard for the other person. People are dumb, dirty apes who don't like to be challenged.

The part of the trick is a variant on the 'speak a foreign language without knowing it trick', where one simply picks a nouny sounding word said by the foreigner with an inquisitive intonation.
posted by sleslie at 3:31 PM on July 26, 2010

Would "why do you ask?" be too much putting someone on the spot?

When most people hear "why do you ask", they hear, "why do you want to know?!" It puts people on the defensive. You can push conversation along with more detailed questions:

Him- "Skiing, eh? Where did you go?"
Me- "Oh, we went to Spring Hill. Have you ever gone skiing?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:26 PM on July 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

I suggest you *start* the conversation initiate it!

you: "Hey man, how's it going?"
them: "All right, you?"
you: "Pretty great. What have you been up to since___ ____. (Or pick up where you left off last time you saw them."

OR if you don't know them and are trying to make conversation.

you: "Hey, i'm RobotHero."
them: "I'm OtherGuy"
you: "Nice to meet you. How do you know the host/the bride/the groom/the business/this bar/etc/etc/etc."

Be in control of the conversation from the start. They will in kind, ask you questions, but just. Keep. Volleying. Not after every sentence. No one likes a "And you?" question every other sentence.

Instead of, "Why do you ask?" Be less confrontational (because to me, that is how it reads. As if OtherGuy is a spy trying to figure. you. out.) with, "Have you been there?" "Where do you ski?" "Have you ever been to ____?"
posted by wocka wocka wocka at 5:30 PM on July 26, 2010

Response by poster: I was hoping "why do you ask?" would be a good emergency fall-back, because the "follow-up question" only works for my second question.

Some of those "conversation opener" threads were full of stuff like, "What do you do for fun?" or "What would you do with a million dollars?" which in my book are much more open-ended than "why do you ask?" But it might be symptomatic of my problem that I could always give a clear reason for why I asked a question.

I want to be clear, my goal is not to impress people with my conversational skills, or make them like me or something. My goal is to spend more time learning, less time explaining.
posted by RobotHero at 5:32 PM on July 26, 2010

Response by poster: Some of these answers exhaust me just thinking about them.



So, rather than outright asking, "Why do you want to know?" I just use that internally as a starting point, where the answer is, "Because I'm interested in X." So I just make a guess as to what X is and ask, "Are you interested in X?" So with the skiing example, it's "Do you ski a lot?"
posted by RobotHero at 5:42 PM on July 26, 2010

Some of those "conversation opener" threads were full of stuff like, "What do you do for fun?" or "What would you do with a million dollars?" which in my book are much more open-ended than "why do you ask?"

Well, it's not like there's some rule that you're not supposed to ask "open-ended" questions. There are good open-ended questions and bad open-ended questions.

As you and others said, "Why do you ask?" could make the other person feel defensive about their choice of question, or could make yourself seem overly protective of the details of your life.

"What would you do with a million dollars?" "Would you rather fly or be invisible?" "What figure in the 20th century do you most admire?" Those feel too gimmicky. They just scream: "I was sitting around trying to think of great questions to ask at parties." So I stay away from these kinds of questions (unless maybe you're in a setting where people are already asking off-the-wall questions and you're just joining in the fun).

"What do you do for fun?" That's a fine question if you're getting to know someone. I do agree that it's a bit overly broad -- I prefer to ask someone what they did today, or this week, or over the weekend, so there's something more concrete to talk about. Their answers will surely reveal something about themselves. But if you feel like asking "What do you for fun?," go for it. It's kind of like "What are your hobbies?" except broader. (They don't need to worry about whether something's serious enough to be considered a "hobby.")

By the way, the book How to Talk to Anybody about Anything by Leil Lowndes (not to be confused with her How to Talk to Anyone) gives specific questions you can ask people about their specific occupations. For instance, there's a chapter with 20-odd questions you can ask an accountant if you know nothing about the field, and each chapter is like that. It's kind of insanely hyper-focused, but you might find some inspiration in it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:35 PM on July 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

One thing to consider in follow-up questions is that they can seem automatic - this leads to awkwardness which leads to one person or the other rattling on. Also, these are great ideas for books and other resources for lists of questions, and I bet they can help - but I think that is in addition to learning how to get comfortable with using the one resource that's always right there - the conversation you're in. A question that goes deeper into whatever's just been said can not only yield more interesting stuff to talk about but also send the signal to the other person that you're really interested in learning about him - which can wake him up and get him to make the conversation more interesting, too. So for instance when the other person says they grew up in Wyoming or wherever, try mentally jumping a few steps past "Oh, what was that like?" and go to "When I was a kid in Chicago, I always thought it would be heaven to live someplace wide-open. Did you love it, or were you dreaming about living in a city?" This is both about yourself AND about the other person - a twofer. Or ask them how they got to where they live now - then they're telling you part of their life story. Don't hesitate to tell mild lies "I've always wondered what it would be like to be on the ski patrol" - no one cares if you've never wondered that, ever.

If you try all this and the tactics above and the other person does not give you anything you can work with, then the conversation is a dud and you are best off creating a diversion and escaping in the confusion.
posted by Betsy Vane at 1:29 AM on July 27, 2010

Super-generic fall-back questions:
And what about you?
Well, how's it been going for you lately?
What's new with you?
posted by salvia at 8:27 AM on July 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I've been thinking, and I think the biggest part will actually be forcing myself to give incomplete answers.

Someone asks, "And how do you do that?"

My current answer is too often, "Well, first you do this, then this, ... and there's how it's all done." When I should be able to answer, "You use computers."
posted by RobotHero at 10:15 AM on September 3, 2010