How can I make my boyfriend more comfortable with his hair loss?
July 24, 2010 11:23 AM Subscribe
How can I make my boyfriend more comfortable with his hair loss?
My boyfriend is an awesome, wonderful and very handsome man, and I love every single piece of him, from head to toe, quirks and all. He's in his late 20s, has some visible hair loss due to genetic balding, and absolutely hates it.
I know he loves his curly hair because he spends a good amount of time after showers fixing up his hair and making awesome poses in the mirror with different hair styles. When he wears a hat, he'll wear it for the rest of the day, even indoors, in the bedroom, during our private time because he hates hat-hair. I'm very understanding of this, because I love my hair too, and I also do super quirky things through out the course of the day just to keep all my head hairs in proper hairstyle alignment. Still, it pains me when I see him become really distressed every time he looks in the mirror and checks out his thinning hair.
I find his hair(hair-loss and all) very appealing because it makes him look like a gentleman AND a really sexy professional all in one delicious package. I always make it point to frequently tell him these things, but I still see him getting more and more distressed every day, and still counting the remaining hairs on his head.
How can I be more supportive? He's losing something really dear to him to genetics, and I really want to make him feel better, or at least more comfortable.
My boyfriend is an awesome, wonderful and very handsome man, and I love every single piece of him, from head to toe, quirks and all. He's in his late 20s, has some visible hair loss due to genetic balding, and absolutely hates it.
I know he loves his curly hair because he spends a good amount of time after showers fixing up his hair and making awesome poses in the mirror with different hair styles. When he wears a hat, he'll wear it for the rest of the day, even indoors, in the bedroom, during our private time because he hates hat-hair. I'm very understanding of this, because I love my hair too, and I also do super quirky things through out the course of the day just to keep all my head hairs in proper hairstyle alignment. Still, it pains me when I see him become really distressed every time he looks in the mirror and checks out his thinning hair.
I find his hair(hair-loss and all) very appealing because it makes him look like a gentleman AND a really sexy professional all in one delicious package. I always make it point to frequently tell him these things, but I still see him getting more and more distressed every day, and still counting the remaining hairs on his head.
How can I be more supportive? He's losing something really dear to him to genetics, and I really want to make him feel better, or at least more comfortable.
Telling him these things frequently is great.
But all the same he has the feeling that he's losing something. And in some way he is. So humour him a bit about being upset and about his foolish attempts at denial. He'll accept it after a bit of time.
posted by joost de vries at 11:30 AM on July 24, 2010
But all the same he has the feeling that he's losing something. And in some way he is. So humour him a bit about being upset and about his foolish attempts at denial. He'll accept it after a bit of time.
posted by joost de vries at 11:30 AM on July 24, 2010
Two words: Landon Donovan.
posted by Dr. Zira at 12:02 PM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Dr. Zira at 12:02 PM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Start watching Jason Statham films, and mention how attractive he is.
posted by moochoo at 12:02 PM on July 24, 2010
posted by moochoo at 12:02 PM on July 24, 2010
If you are as focused on his hair as he is, even in a positive and supportive way, you may be inadvertently making things worse by reinforcing his focus. Hair loss is basically for-life, so it may take some time (think months/years) for him to come to terms with it.
Keep being so wonderfully supportive, but maybe admire other parts/attributes for a while, so he can acclimate to/accept the changes he's undergoing at the moment.
posted by fake at 12:08 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Keep being so wonderfully supportive, but maybe admire other parts/attributes for a while, so he can acclimate to/accept the changes he's undergoing at the moment.
posted by fake at 12:08 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sounds like you're doing a great job already of being supportive and kind about his situation. Trouble with accepting hair loss is that it's ultimately something he's going to have to make his peace with himself. It also sounds like he's kind of into his hair, which is kind of a bummer since hair loss prevention methods are largely bunk. He can't stop this from happening and he's gonna have to come to acceptance of it on his own.
I feel his pain, too. When my hair started falling out, I railed against it, felt massively self-conscious, dumped embarrassing amounts of money into time consuming chemical counter measures and generally stressed myself out constantly about something that I was ultimately powerless to stop. The day the stress ended was the day I fired up the clippers and sheared off the stragglers, revealing at last the magnificent skull beneath my hair to the world. I've never looked back, but to wonder why it took me so long to reach that point. Maybe it's tough and embarrassing to be balding, but being bald is the shit.
How can you, as his mate, help him get to a place where he can embrace his inevitable baldness? Tough question. You might try bringing to his attention various male celebrities generally thought of as attractive who sport little to no hair. (Jason Statham, for example). By contrast, you might use various celebrities who aren't going bald gracefully as counterexamples (Carlos Santana & Bret Michaels aren't fooling anyone with their permabandanas/hats). Does he enjoy Dan Savage? Frequently on the Savage Lovecast, Savage convincingly rails against embarrassing struggles against baldness - find those clips and see if that gets him thinking differently. You might try to drill into his head the Telly Savalas Maxim ("God created a few beautiful heads - he covered the rest with hair"). You might try to get him thinking about the extensive advantages of baldness (no more hat hair, ever, prep time for outings slashed drastically because his hair's never out of style, showers & swimming feel better than they ever have before, etc.) How's his beard? If he really enjoys having hair attached to his head which he can style and set himself apart with, now might be the ideal time for him to embrace the Way of the Beardcore.
Most important for his general comfort with himself though it the abandonment of his silly shame over something he has no hand in and no control over. None of the above will be possible until he comes to accept that going bald is not preventable, no matter what jerkoff Rogaine pitchmen try to tell him and okay, no matter what his inner shame drive might be lying to him about.
Good luck!
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:19 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I feel his pain, too. When my hair started falling out, I railed against it, felt massively self-conscious, dumped embarrassing amounts of money into time consuming chemical counter measures and generally stressed myself out constantly about something that I was ultimately powerless to stop. The day the stress ended was the day I fired up the clippers and sheared off the stragglers, revealing at last the magnificent skull beneath my hair to the world. I've never looked back, but to wonder why it took me so long to reach that point. Maybe it's tough and embarrassing to be balding, but being bald is the shit.
How can you, as his mate, help him get to a place where he can embrace his inevitable baldness? Tough question. You might try bringing to his attention various male celebrities generally thought of as attractive who sport little to no hair. (Jason Statham, for example). By contrast, you might use various celebrities who aren't going bald gracefully as counterexamples (Carlos Santana & Bret Michaels aren't fooling anyone with their permabandanas/hats). Does he enjoy Dan Savage? Frequently on the Savage Lovecast, Savage convincingly rails against embarrassing struggles against baldness - find those clips and see if that gets him thinking differently. You might try to drill into his head the Telly Savalas Maxim ("God created a few beautiful heads - he covered the rest with hair"). You might try to get him thinking about the extensive advantages of baldness (no more hat hair, ever, prep time for outings slashed drastically because his hair's never out of style, showers & swimming feel better than they ever have before, etc.) How's his beard? If he really enjoys having hair attached to his head which he can style and set himself apart with, now might be the ideal time for him to embrace the Way of the Beardcore.
Most important for his general comfort with himself though it the abandonment of his silly shame over something he has no hand in and no control over. None of the above will be possible until he comes to accept that going bald is not preventable, no matter what jerkoff Rogaine pitchmen try to tell him and okay, no matter what his inner shame drive might be lying to him about.
Good luck!
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:19 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm losing my hair (I'm a little older than your SO) and it bugs the crap out of me. The various hair potions don't seem to do squat, so it looks like I'm just going to have to be one of those Sexy Bald Guys (except that I have a very oddly shaped head. Seriously. I look like a space alien. I am completely doomed).
Speaking as an prospective SBG, please do not rent Jason Stratham movies (or Vin Diesel, for that matter) and comment on how hot they are. I'm losing my hair. I've noticed. Trust me on this. Personally, I don't really care if my SO thinks that Captain Picard is sexy, I care if she thinks I'm sexy. Which she does. Just make sure your SO knows this and, with luck, help him learn to appreciate his budding "Bond villain" look.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:05 PM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Speaking as an prospective SBG, please do not rent Jason Stratham movies (or Vin Diesel, for that matter) and comment on how hot they are. I'm losing my hair. I've noticed. Trust me on this. Personally, I don't really care if my SO thinks that Captain Picard is sexy, I care if she thinks I'm sexy. Which she does. Just make sure your SO knows this and, with luck, help him learn to appreciate his budding "Bond villain" look.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:05 PM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am largely bald except for a fringe around the side (which is, of course, completely gray, as befits my user name) and it doesn't bother me. Perhaps your boyfriend might appreciate the argument that we are all being elaborately conditioned, if not hypnotised by the hair industry to over-emphasize the importance of hair, and therefore of hair products. Did you see that bizarre commercial in which a woman claims that she used some particular brand of shampoo "and became a rock star" as if that is all it takes? Amazing! I wonder what shampoo I should use in order to become a brain surgeon. Or many years ago we were asked "Is it true that blondes have more fun?" They don't. Anyone can have fun, regardless of their hair. If you have no hair, have fun with your scalp. The scalp is an area of skin, it can be touched, it can be sensual, it can be fun. Enjoy it.
posted by grizzled at 1:39 PM on July 24, 2010
posted by grizzled at 1:39 PM on July 24, 2010
Lost a lot of hair when I was young, now I keep myself buzzed down to a 0 with the clippers.
Encourage him to shave his head for the summer. The sooner he gets comfortable with it, the sooner he gets comfortable with what will be his only remaining hair styling option that will look decent when the hairloss gets worse.
For many men, myself included, losing ones hair is the first time in our lives when our bodies have failed us in a pretty significant manner. That takes a lot to deal with--this is not a week long period of mourning. This could well take several years to come to accept and you need to be prepared for how low his self esteem might get as it gets worse.
Oddly enough, shaving my head the first time was incredibly empowering. I felt like I had no control over losing my hair and when I finally gave in, it felt great. I also lucked out in that I have an awesomely shaped head and am a natural for this look even if I do miss my hair.
Other perks will be all the time he gets back from having to style it. Spend 15 minutes shaving it a couple times a week and then shower and you're good to go. No more buying "hair product" either once you get a good pair of clippers.
posted by Elminster24 at 3:13 PM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Encourage him to shave his head for the summer. The sooner he gets comfortable with it, the sooner he gets comfortable with what will be his only remaining hair styling option that will look decent when the hairloss gets worse.
For many men, myself included, losing ones hair is the first time in our lives when our bodies have failed us in a pretty significant manner. That takes a lot to deal with--this is not a week long period of mourning. This could well take several years to come to accept and you need to be prepared for how low his self esteem might get as it gets worse.
Oddly enough, shaving my head the first time was incredibly empowering. I felt like I had no control over losing my hair and when I finally gave in, it felt great. I also lucked out in that I have an awesomely shaped head and am a natural for this look even if I do miss my hair.
Other perks will be all the time he gets back from having to style it. Spend 15 minutes shaving it a couple times a week and then shower and you're good to go. No more buying "hair product" either once you get a good pair of clippers.
posted by Elminster24 at 3:13 PM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Of course he's not listening to you. You've got a full head of hair, with no prospect of losing it.
Get his mates to talk to him about it. Some of mine had to take another friend aside to talk to him about his 90° side-to-side combover, which made him look like a crooked suburban migration con artist, a bad thing when you're in your early thirties. He's clipped it, now he looks his age, and people don't pat their wallets after they talk to him.
For a lot of men, hair's all about masculinity, and masculinity's most frequently measured and tested in homosocial situations. Even heterosexuals, especially heterosexuals. You can talk about how sexy are the bald until you're hoarse, but he's likely to be measuring his image against that of other men, not against your opinion.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:44 PM on July 24, 2010
Get his mates to talk to him about it. Some of mine had to take another friend aside to talk to him about his 90° side-to-side combover, which made him look like a crooked suburban migration con artist, a bad thing when you're in your early thirties. He's clipped it, now he looks his age, and people don't pat their wallets after they talk to him.
For a lot of men, hair's all about masculinity, and masculinity's most frequently measured and tested in homosocial situations. Even heterosexuals, especially heterosexuals. You can talk about how sexy are the bald until you're hoarse, but he's likely to be measuring his image against that of other men, not against your opinion.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:44 PM on July 24, 2010
He'll get over it eventually. I started balding when I was like 17 and it was distressing, but after a while you realize there's nothing you can do about it and accept it. When I see guys who are obviously ashamed of their thinning hair (dumb combovers or wear hats constantly or whatever) I feel sorry for them because they are wearing their insecurities on their sleeve, which is not attractive. What is attractive is a razor blade + not giving a fuck.
I haven't bought shampoo or paid for a haircut in almost a decade and as a result hair care product commercials have become hilariously transparent. Also I no longer care about strong winds, rain, randomly jumping into lakes, or the hair dryer blowing a circuit. I love not having any hair and am kind of glad I'm bald (thanks for the genes dad!).
posted by bradbane at 5:10 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I haven't bought shampoo or paid for a haircut in almost a decade and as a result hair care product commercials have become hilariously transparent. Also I no longer care about strong winds, rain, randomly jumping into lakes, or the hair dryer blowing a circuit. I love not having any hair and am kind of glad I'm bald (thanks for the genes dad!).
posted by bradbane at 5:10 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm also in my late twenties and going thin on top. I find the best way of dealing with it is to make light of it. The easiest way to do this is with those of my friends who are in the same position. We use our receding hairlines as a bond between us, joking about it, taking the mickey out of ourselves and each other.
Once he realises that he is not alone it will be a lot easier for him to accept.
Speak to friends of his who are also thin on top or bald and ask them to engage with him on the topic. They are the ones in the best position to show him that it doesn't matter.
posted by jonnyploy at 5:55 PM on July 24, 2010
Once he realises that he is not alone it will be a lot easier for him to accept.
Speak to friends of his who are also thin on top or bald and ask them to engage with him on the topic. They are the ones in the best position to show him that it doesn't matter.
posted by jonnyploy at 5:55 PM on July 24, 2010
A word of caution to the OP.
If I was your man, and I found out you had gone to my friends behind my back and asked them to discuss my hair loss because I was having confidence issues and stressing, I would shit a brick and then be furious at you, probably for a very long time.
Not only will it make him feel like he doesn't have his shit together and can't handle things that other guys can, it will emasculate him significantly and depending on the quality of said friends, could turn into an ongoing joke with him at the center of it.
DO NOT DO THIS.
posted by Elminster24 at 6:55 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I was your man, and I found out you had gone to my friends behind my back and asked them to discuss my hair loss because I was having confidence issues and stressing, I would shit a brick and then be furious at you, probably for a very long time.
Not only will it make him feel like he doesn't have his shit together and can't handle things that other guys can, it will emasculate him significantly and depending on the quality of said friends, could turn into an ongoing joke with him at the center of it.
DO NOT DO THIS.
posted by Elminster24 at 6:55 PM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Wait until he mentions it. Then say "You know what? There's nothing wrong with losing your hair. Tons of guys have that happen, and a lot of women -- me included -- actually find it sexy, the same way a lot of women find grey hair sexy. But you know what all women hate? Men who try to hide it. If you're losing your hair, just accept it and get over it, or embrace it and shave it off -- but never ever pretend you're not losing it or get hung up about it. That insecurity that some men have is the only thing about hair loss that's not sexy. I'd rather have a confident bald guy than an insecure guy with a full head of hair."
posted by davejay at 11:37 PM on July 24, 2010
posted by davejay at 11:37 PM on July 24, 2010
If I was your man, and I found out you had gone to my friends behind my back and asked them to discuss my hair loss because I was having confidence issues and stressing, I would shit a brick and then be furious at you, probably for a very long time.
Yeah, I see your point. However, if it were me I wouldn't shit a brick or be mad at all, so I guess it just depends on the OP's bf and how he would react. I totally agree with the advice to be cautious here though, and probably a better way would be to persuade him to talk to those friends about it.
posted by jonnyploy at 1:44 AM on July 25, 2010
Yeah, I see your point. However, if it were me I wouldn't shit a brick or be mad at all, so I guess it just depends on the OP's bf and how he would react. I totally agree with the advice to be cautious here though, and probably a better way would be to persuade him to talk to those friends about it.
posted by jonnyploy at 1:44 AM on July 25, 2010
Also, maybe slip him a link to Sly Bald Guys Forum.
posted by Elminster24 at 9:07 AM on July 25, 2010
posted by Elminster24 at 9:07 AM on July 25, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
You've already told him you find him sexy no matter what, I'm really not sure what else you could do other than shaving off your hair, but really, that's going a bit too far, don't you think?
posted by inturnaround at 11:30 AM on July 24, 2010