Help me woo a foreigner!
July 22, 2010 8:12 AM Subscribe
How do I indicate to a temporary Latvian colleague that I might kind of sort of want her to be a permanent Latvian girlfriend?
I'm an American male in Latvia for a two-week-long academic seminar. I came expecting to do my work, make some friends, and then head home. But on the first night I met a fellow student who's from the local university; I was absolutely floored. She's brilliant, attractive, and oh-so sweet. She's also from a different academic discipline than me (and than the seminar is about), so each night I've been able to spend a couple hours helping her through the course material. These conversations have done nothing but bolster my attraction to her.
As far as I can tell, she's unattached. She's been remarkably appreciative of my help, buying me a small gift of candy, and going out of her way to say hello to me each morning. It's all so very nice, but it's also feeling a little bit stifling, as she seems to be intentionally avoiding small talk or any conversations about her personal life.
Prior to going to Latvia, I looked up "cultural advice" websites, and most of them said Latvians are quite private, so I'm not surprised that she is too. But there must be some process whereby young Latvian males signal their interest to young Latvian females. I certainly do not want to seem a boisterous American, so I'm playing this as cool as possible.
I'll do my best to encourage friendly conversation in the coming days. As of now, I have a week or so until I return to the states. Maybe it's silly to consider anything like a LDR at such short notice, but ... yeah, she makes my insides flutter. So, please, any cultural suggestions appreciated. Thanks!
I'm an American male in Latvia for a two-week-long academic seminar. I came expecting to do my work, make some friends, and then head home. But on the first night I met a fellow student who's from the local university; I was absolutely floored. She's brilliant, attractive, and oh-so sweet. She's also from a different academic discipline than me (and than the seminar is about), so each night I've been able to spend a couple hours helping her through the course material. These conversations have done nothing but bolster my attraction to her.
As far as I can tell, she's unattached. She's been remarkably appreciative of my help, buying me a small gift of candy, and going out of her way to say hello to me each morning. It's all so very nice, but it's also feeling a little bit stifling, as she seems to be intentionally avoiding small talk or any conversations about her personal life.
Prior to going to Latvia, I looked up "cultural advice" websites, and most of them said Latvians are quite private, so I'm not surprised that she is too. But there must be some process whereby young Latvian males signal their interest to young Latvian females. I certainly do not want to seem a boisterous American, so I'm playing this as cool as possible.
I'll do my best to encourage friendly conversation in the coming days. As of now, I have a week or so until I return to the states. Maybe it's silly to consider anything like a LDR at such short notice, but ... yeah, she makes my insides flutter. So, please, any cultural suggestions appreciated. Thanks!
Sounds like a tough situation, given that you have to leave so soon.
My experience with folks from that general region was that they were more private, but also more direct than most Americans. So if you could say something along the lines of, "I've really enjoyed our time together and would love to take you out on a date to get to know you better if you're interested", that would indicate your interest without skipping ahead to the "I want you to be my permanent Latvian girlfriend" bit, which is a tad... forward.
posted by ldthomps at 8:23 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
My experience with folks from that general region was that they were more private, but also more direct than most Americans. So if you could say something along the lines of, "I've really enjoyed our time together and would love to take you out on a date to get to know you better if you're interested", that would indicate your interest without skipping ahead to the "I want you to be my permanent Latvian girlfriend" bit, which is a tad... forward.
posted by ldthomps at 8:23 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry, no cultural suggestions, really.
Agreed with both suggestions, though I don't know any Latvian women personally.
My experience with folks from that (large) area is similar: bluntness is OK, and they seem hard to offend (unless you offend their region/nation). The fact that she's shying away from personal talk is not a good sign, but you've already established good communication with her otherwise.
Ask her out on a date and hope it's a change-your-life date for her, if you think it's love at first sight. (When I was 25, I would fall in love at first sight about 5 times a week.)
I mean, if you're looking for more than a short-term hookup, you're going to have to stay friends and stay in communication by long-distance for a while, and then eventually live in the same place. To be honest, those odds seem long. It sounds like she might end up be filed in the "oh if I ever run into her again" drawer. But good luck!
posted by mrgrimm at 8:50 AM on July 22, 2010
Agreed with both suggestions, though I don't know any Latvian women personally.
My experience with folks from that (large) area is similar: bluntness is OK, and they seem hard to offend (unless you offend their region/nation). The fact that she's shying away from personal talk is not a good sign, but you've already established good communication with her otherwise.
Ask her out on a date and hope it's a change-your-life date for her, if you think it's love at first sight. (When I was 25, I would fall in love at first sight about 5 times a week.)
I mean, if you're looking for more than a short-term hookup, you're going to have to stay friends and stay in communication by long-distance for a while, and then eventually live in the same place. To be honest, those odds seem long. It sounds like she might end up be filed in the "oh if I ever run into her again" drawer. But good luck!
posted by mrgrimm at 8:50 AM on July 22, 2010
Ask her to do something on a weekend. If she says no repeatedly, she has a boyfriend.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:18 AM on July 22, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 9:18 AM on July 22, 2010
Or a girlfriend.
posted by Carol Anne at 9:44 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Carol Anne at 9:44 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Most Latvians I know are quite proper and follow somewhat rigid dating behaviours. I would buy her some beautiful flowers - nothing too romantic (no roses) - tell her you bought them for her because she is so beautiful and that she always makes you smile. Say it straightforwardly, then click your heels and leave . . . don't stick around and act stupid . . . go away and let her think about it. A day later, ask her out for a date. This is a proper way to do this; if her reaction to the flowers is "distant", then don't ask her out of course. But if she's still vivacious around you, go for it.
This is the way a nice eastern European girl likes to be courted, generally speaking. Flirty American small talk and discussion about private lives comes after dating a while, even to an extent that seems downright odd to an American. (Americans tend to like to get all that out of the way first, before dating. But that's a little strange to many eastern Europeans. So you're kind of doing it wrong at the moment, and may be sending her a "weird" signal.)
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:03 AM on July 22, 2010 [6 favorites]
This is the way a nice eastern European girl likes to be courted, generally speaking. Flirty American small talk and discussion about private lives comes after dating a while, even to an extent that seems downright odd to an American. (Americans tend to like to get all that out of the way first, before dating. But that's a little strange to many eastern Europeans. So you're kind of doing it wrong at the moment, and may be sending her a "weird" signal.)
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:03 AM on July 22, 2010 [6 favorites]
Also, she's Latvian and you're in Latvia, so you're the foreigner, not her.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:04 AM on July 22, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:04 AM on July 22, 2010 [7 favorites]
You should ask her out, wow her, and then make love to her in such a way that she will never forget you.
posted by Candide at 10:54 AM on July 22, 2010
posted by Candide at 10:54 AM on July 22, 2010
Or a girlfriend.
Touche. Avoiding the subject though says that there might be a significant other and she likes your attention and doesn't want you to know about it.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:44 AM on July 22, 2010
Touche. Avoiding the subject though says that there might be a significant other and she likes your attention and doesn't want you to know about it.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:44 AM on July 22, 2010
You could always just ask her.
as fo-e-netikally as I can manage, this would sound like "Vay (tooh) gribbih booht mana bahlelinya?" (do you want to be my girlfriend?) or just jump straight in with "es gribbu tev butchoht!" (I want to kiss you)
(you need to roll the Rs, though, as in 'gay Pahrree')
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:24 PM on July 22, 2010
as fo-e-netikally as I can manage, this would sound like "Vay (tooh) gribbih booht mana bahlelinya?" (do you want to be my girlfriend?) or just jump straight in with "es gribbu tev butchoht!" (I want to kiss you)
(you need to roll the Rs, though, as in 'gay Pahrree')
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:24 PM on July 22, 2010
(the "tooh" is the familiar version of "you". You could include it or leave it out, as it's implied anyway by the ending of the "gribbih"). Eh, better to just include it.)
It's worth noting as well that the Baltic states have a bit of a dearth of eligible males, since any guy who is a) employable and b) not an alcoholic is in Western Europe for the better pay. It's a buyer's market (often quite literally) and a US passport is not to be sneered at.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:30 PM on July 22, 2010
It's worth noting as well that the Baltic states have a bit of a dearth of eligible males, since any guy who is a) employable and b) not an alcoholic is in Western Europe for the better pay. It's a buyer's market (often quite literally) and a US passport is not to be sneered at.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:30 PM on July 22, 2010
i live overseas, but not in latvia. however i can extrapolate this from my experience living in several different countries:
a) there's probably no point in being subtle, coy, dropping hints etc until you know the culture well enough to know how to do that successfully - until then you're probably better off just being pleasantly straightforward. just ask her out, sounds like you don't really have time to beat around the bush anyway. and
b) if there's someone around who's familiar with both your culture and the local one, their advice is often quite valuable. as Dee Xtrovert sounds like she knows what she's talking about, you might want to consider dropping off some non-rose flowers, leaving, then asking her out the next day. you might also ask a local guy you get along with how he'd do it, just for a second opinion. also, unless you're already pretty decent at speaking latvian, you might want to just stick to english, especially if that's how you communicate already - translating lovetalk into a language you're not overly familiar with is walking into a minefield of potential misunderstandings.
anyway, yes, your leaving soon, but don't let that stop you - go ahead and try it on! it's long odds but it's not impossible it could actually work out. even if it doesn't you'll be trying something new, making new friends, will be able to say "i dated this latvian girl once" afterwards, etc
posted by messiahwannabe at 4:36 AM on July 23, 2010
a) there's probably no point in being subtle, coy, dropping hints etc until you know the culture well enough to know how to do that successfully - until then you're probably better off just being pleasantly straightforward. just ask her out, sounds like you don't really have time to beat around the bush anyway. and
b) if there's someone around who's familiar with both your culture and the local one, their advice is often quite valuable. as Dee Xtrovert sounds like she knows what she's talking about, you might want to consider dropping off some non-rose flowers, leaving, then asking her out the next day. you might also ask a local guy you get along with how he'd do it, just for a second opinion. also, unless you're already pretty decent at speaking latvian, you might want to just stick to english, especially if that's how you communicate already - translating lovetalk into a language you're not overly familiar with is walking into a minefield of potential misunderstandings.
anyway, yes, your leaving soon, but don't let that stop you - go ahead and try it on! it's long odds but it's not impossible it could actually work out. even if it doesn't you'll be trying something new, making new friends, will be able to say "i dated this latvian girl once" afterwards, etc
posted by messiahwannabe at 4:36 AM on July 23, 2010
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Yes, it's pointless to think about how a long distance permanent relationship will work before you've expressed interest, figured out whether she likes you back, and gotten to know her better.
posted by decathecting at 8:16 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]