Getting over things I regret
July 14, 2010 9:42 PM Subscribe
How can i get over physically hurting others (accidentally) at my own fault?
This is a very complicated problem I have. Whenever I do something stupid, like hurt someone on accident. I simply CANT LET IT GO. I don't know what my problem is. For example I was driving my teams FRC bot (look up First Robotics Competition) its basically a 125 pound robot with 4 Cim motors on the drive train (really powerful motors basically). I got a little to excited going after a ball and i backed up into one of our mentors. He was standing pretty close and had no time to react. I nailed him right in the shin on both legs. He fell over in pain. I don't know how many times I said sorry. Hes not mad at all. He didn't break anything, he was on his feet after 5 minutes or so. But I just can't let it go! I just don't know what it is. From now on when I look at him, i Just think about hitting him in the shins. I try and make myself feel better like saying thing "least you didn't break his shins" or like no one else is thinking about this shit except myself. I try and think about one kid that I know that hit a dog in its shin with a high power RC car and thought that was worse then what I did. I know there are several more examples but I just can't recall them. I don't know what to do.
Him, one thing that might help is if I know what goes through the other persons head...
How do you feel after something happens to you at someones elses own fault? Idk maybe someone swung a baseball bat and hit you in the head or something else. I prefer to be the victim in such cases because the shame of hurting someone to me is much more immense then physical pain, Because it feels like it never goes away. If you are the victim, do such things linger over your head? Do you quickly forget whatever happened? Do you prefer the person to be super sorry to the point of annoyance? What do you like to happen in such situations?
Sorry, I'm just firing questions but I hope someone can answer them and help me get over rough spots like this.
Thanks for reading :D
This is a very complicated problem I have. Whenever I do something stupid, like hurt someone on accident. I simply CANT LET IT GO. I don't know what my problem is. For example I was driving my teams FRC bot (look up First Robotics Competition) its basically a 125 pound robot with 4 Cim motors on the drive train (really powerful motors basically). I got a little to excited going after a ball and i backed up into one of our mentors. He was standing pretty close and had no time to react. I nailed him right in the shin on both legs. He fell over in pain. I don't know how many times I said sorry. Hes not mad at all. He didn't break anything, he was on his feet after 5 minutes or so. But I just can't let it go! I just don't know what it is. From now on when I look at him, i Just think about hitting him in the shins. I try and make myself feel better like saying thing "least you didn't break his shins" or like no one else is thinking about this shit except myself. I try and think about one kid that I know that hit a dog in its shin with a high power RC car and thought that was worse then what I did. I know there are several more examples but I just can't recall them. I don't know what to do.
Him, one thing that might help is if I know what goes through the other persons head...
How do you feel after something happens to you at someones elses own fault? Idk maybe someone swung a baseball bat and hit you in the head or something else. I prefer to be the victim in such cases because the shame of hurting someone to me is much more immense then physical pain, Because it feels like it never goes away. If you are the victim, do such things linger over your head? Do you quickly forget whatever happened? Do you prefer the person to be super sorry to the point of annoyance? What do you like to happen in such situations?
Sorry, I'm just firing questions but I hope someone can answer them and help me get over rough spots like this.
Thanks for reading :D
... and another point you might think of like IndigoRain says about someone getting over it: if someone hurts me and I know it's accidentally, I can brush it off quickly and easily but get very annoyed when they keep apologizing. This has happened and I've actually ended up almost yelling at someone "I am FINE. PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING, IT IS VERY ANNOYING!" If nothing's broken and I've stopped bleeding, we're A-OK. Just shut up about it; we're past that now!
posted by barnacles at 10:18 PM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by barnacles at 10:18 PM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have a pretty nasty looking scar just above my right boob where a friend of mine stabbed me with a red-hot pointy stick that she'd been using to roast marshmallows. It hurt like hell. She was waaayyy more upset than I was, and eventually (although I didn't say so) I wanted her to drop it; it really wasn't a big deal. Now, whenever I look at it, I smile because we had tons of fun on that camping trip.
Many years ago, before my husband and I were married, we were watching tv on the couch. I went to put my arm around him and ended up elbowing him in the mouth. His teeth went into his lip and blood started pouring out of his mouth. I screamed and started crying. He laughed (in a nice way) at my hysterics and later used it as a ploy to get sexual favors. 15 years after the fact, recollection of that story still makes him laugh and me cringe.
So, as a perpetrator, I understand your feelings completely, but as a victim, I think it's safe to say you should try to at least pretend to have a sense of humor and let it go.
posted by SamanthaK at 10:19 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Many years ago, before my husband and I were married, we were watching tv on the couch. I went to put my arm around him and ended up elbowing him in the mouth. His teeth went into his lip and blood started pouring out of his mouth. I screamed and started crying. He laughed (in a nice way) at my hysterics and later used it as a ploy to get sexual favors. 15 years after the fact, recollection of that story still makes him laugh and me cringe.
So, as a perpetrator, I understand your feelings completely, but as a victim, I think it's safe to say you should try to at least pretend to have a sense of humor and let it go.
posted by SamanthaK at 10:19 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you are a bit young, but when you get older this sort of problem is very easily solved through the mutual consumption of delicious beer after the incident.
posted by milarepa at 10:20 PM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by milarepa at 10:20 PM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
As the person who has been on the other end of A LOT those kind of accidents (I'm kind of a magnet for them) I've got to say that you should let it go. I'm usually more embarrassed about the accident than I am hurt, and the sooner we can get past it the sooner I can move on with my life.
Apologize profusely, take care of whatever needs to be done to insure that it won't happen again, then please let it go. I don't want to be injured, embarrassed and annoyed.
Also, some people will try to make light of the situation by teasing you about it. They are just trying to diffuse the tension. If you act pouty and irritable it will just make things worse. Take the good natured ribbing and own it. It will make the situation easier for everyone if you can laugh about it.
P.S. My brother-in-law was the driver in a jet ski accident with a girl he'd just met. He was uninjured but she shattered her leg and had surgery as well as a hospital stay. You'd think she'd hate him. They got married a little over a year later and now have two kids.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:28 PM on July 14, 2010
Apologize profusely, take care of whatever needs to be done to insure that it won't happen again, then please let it go. I don't want to be injured, embarrassed and annoyed.
Also, some people will try to make light of the situation by teasing you about it. They are just trying to diffuse the tension. If you act pouty and irritable it will just make things worse. Take the good natured ribbing and own it. It will make the situation easier for everyone if you can laugh about it.
P.S. My brother-in-law was the driver in a jet ski accident with a girl he'd just met. He was uninjured but she shattered her leg and had surgery as well as a hospital stay. You'd think she'd hate him. They got married a little over a year later and now have two kids.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:28 PM on July 14, 2010
like no one else is thinking about this shit except myself.
Hey, you're probably right! Except, by thinking that to yourself you're thinking about it. Your still thinking about it.
Drop it.
Some people can just walk away. They may not even need to consciously justify walking away, it just sort of happens when they start thinking about enough other things. Some people can just open up their heart and let it go. Many people like to quote aphorisms, common concepts that heuristically chute the issue out of your brain. You know, like 'Shit happens.' It's very likely OK that all this happens (and also that shit happens) otherwise significantly more people on Earth would be hopelessly bent out of shape all the time about everything.
If you can't do that—and it's totally understandable if you can't just take a deep breath, hold it til it hurts, and let it go—maybe commemorating the event in a distinct, concise manner would help end the issue. You could buy a greeting card and sign it or write a note. Send it or don't send it, the physical manifestation of your regret and apologies might just help you expunge the issue and move on. If you do something like this, it has to mark the end of it for you.
HTH
posted by carsonb at 10:31 PM on July 14, 2010
Hey, you're probably right! Except, by thinking that to yourself you're thinking about it. Your still thinking about it.
Drop it.
Some people can just walk away. They may not even need to consciously justify walking away, it just sort of happens when they start thinking about enough other things. Some people can just open up their heart and let it go. Many people like to quote aphorisms, common concepts that heuristically chute the issue out of your brain. You know, like 'Shit happens.' It's very likely OK that all this happens (and also that shit happens) otherwise significantly more people on Earth would be hopelessly bent out of shape all the time about everything.
If you can't do that—and it's totally understandable if you can't just take a deep breath, hold it til it hurts, and let it go—maybe commemorating the event in a distinct, concise manner would help end the issue. You could buy a greeting card and sign it or write a note. Send it or don't send it, the physical manifestation of your regret and apologies might just help you expunge the issue and move on. If you do something like this, it has to mark the end of it for you.
HTH
posted by carsonb at 10:31 PM on July 14, 2010
I have a permanent, albeit minor, disfigurement resulting from an ill-advised game of soccer one Cinco de Mayo. It was totally an accident! If the perp (heh) had said "I'M SOSORRY" more than twice, I'd have disfigured him even more. Lesson learned: don't inflict your sorrow too much on victims of your poor coordination.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:36 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:36 PM on July 14, 2010
Yeah, after your first or second apology has been accepted, any future apologies can come off as all about you, your anxiety, and your own need to be reassured....the last thing anyone needs after forgiving someone for inflicting pain. :) Seriously, let it go. If you can't, there's probably a low cost/free, maybe even one-time, cognitive behavioral therapy session available to your for the intrusive thoughts.
posted by availablelight at 10:45 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by availablelight at 10:45 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Here's another way you can apologize through action:
Be careful so the same thing doesn't happen again.
I'm sure the other party would appreciate that as well.
posted by jstarlee at 10:58 PM on July 14, 2010
Be careful so the same thing doesn't happen again.
I'm sure the other party would appreciate that as well.
posted by jstarlee at 10:58 PM on July 14, 2010
I get this. I used to ruminate on these sorts of mishaps a lot. For me, it was more about things I said, rather than things I did...but the outcome was the same. They're both forms of imposing on somebody in unintentional ways.
One things I found that really helped me (not sure why) is the Golda Meir quote, "Don't be humble, you're not that great." It strikes the perfect note between humor and humility and reminds me that no matter what I do, it doesn't really matter. Nobody cares.
Here's some other things to ask yourself...maybe one of them will lead to the underlying cause of this pervasive thought pattern:
Are you a perfectionist or a control freak? Does the thought of doing something unintentionally that has negative effects on someone else freak you the fuck out? Are there incidents in your past where you or someone close to you has accidentally caused somebody great harm? Does the idea of causing somebody great harm really scare you (like, say, an auto accident that leaves somebody paralyzed)? Do you care too much about what other people think? How do you feel about having a lot of attention on you? What about being embarrassed, shamed or humiliated in front of others? Are you afraid of success? Of somebody finding out you're a failure? A clumsy fool?
A few years ago, I got some really great advice from my former boss. I showed up to an important meeting really late. I LOATHE being late. I apologized profusely. And again when it was my turn to speak later. And one more time, privately, to my boss. Exasperated, she told me to shut it, because every single time after the first apology only served to remind and reinforce to everyone else that A) I was late, and B) that I was really hung up on it. If I had apologized just the once, people would have accepted it and moved on...regardless of the repeat reel of the atrocity playing in my head. In other words, better to leave it there than keep digging. Not to mention that outward manifestations (apologies, mentions, etc.) of this obsessive inner state only serve to reinforce bad habits.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:07 PM on July 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
One things I found that really helped me (not sure why) is the Golda Meir quote, "Don't be humble, you're not that great." It strikes the perfect note between humor and humility and reminds me that no matter what I do, it doesn't really matter. Nobody cares.
Here's some other things to ask yourself...maybe one of them will lead to the underlying cause of this pervasive thought pattern:
Are you a perfectionist or a control freak? Does the thought of doing something unintentionally that has negative effects on someone else freak you the fuck out? Are there incidents in your past where you or someone close to you has accidentally caused somebody great harm? Does the idea of causing somebody great harm really scare you (like, say, an auto accident that leaves somebody paralyzed)? Do you care too much about what other people think? How do you feel about having a lot of attention on you? What about being embarrassed, shamed or humiliated in front of others? Are you afraid of success? Of somebody finding out you're a failure? A clumsy fool?
A few years ago, I got some really great advice from my former boss. I showed up to an important meeting really late. I LOATHE being late. I apologized profusely. And again when it was my turn to speak later. And one more time, privately, to my boss. Exasperated, she told me to shut it, because every single time after the first apology only served to remind and reinforce to everyone else that A) I was late, and B) that I was really hung up on it. If I had apologized just the once, people would have accepted it and moved on...regardless of the repeat reel of the atrocity playing in my head. In other words, better to leave it there than keep digging. Not to mention that outward manifestations (apologies, mentions, etc.) of this obsessive inner state only serve to reinforce bad habits.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:07 PM on July 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, i write this, take a shower and come back and i have 8 replies :D i <3>
yea im only 16, guy.
It really helped to read the stories of getting poked in the boob and now having a scar. :D And how it simply was not a big deal. The jet ski accident was also really helpful. How such accidents actually draw people together. :D The guy that i smashed his shins seems the kind of guy to really let things go.
I'm starting to feel better about this :D
posted by NotSoSiniSter at 11:07 PM on July 14, 2010
yea im only 16, guy.
It really helped to read the stories of getting poked in the boob and now having a scar. :D And how it simply was not a big deal. The jet ski accident was also really helpful. How such accidents actually draw people together. :D The guy that i smashed his shins seems the kind of guy to really let things go.
I'm starting to feel better about this :D
posted by NotSoSiniSter at 11:07 PM on July 14, 2010
If it helps, I have a mental trick for when I'm obsessing about something that I really, really just need to let go. File it away -- literally, I picture an old card catalogue, and sort of push the memory into it, and shut the drawer. It works startlingly well, and is good for giving away memories or thoughts that are just flat-out unproductive.
posted by kalimac at 11:12 PM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by kalimac at 11:12 PM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I can understand where you're coming from. I also feel bad about inflicting any kind of pain on anyone no matter how minor. And I also overthink it, but I try to just shut down that overthink-iness. If they've accepted my apology, I'll just do what I can to make sure it doesn't happen again and try to move on.
When I've been on the receiving end of accidental pain, and the person has made a sincere apology, then I'm not mad whatsoever. The next thing I want to happen is that my focus moves on to other things so that I forget about any pain that may or may not still be there. But if you're still freaking out over whatever you've done, 3 things happen that I don't want to be happening.
(1) I will feel like I have to calm you down
(2) I will be annoyed
(3) if it's relatively minor pain, I would probably forget about it and any pain would stop in a few minutes. but if you keep apologizing, you are basically reminding me that i'm in pain... and so the pain would last longer
so get over it... cuz like you said... no one else is thinking about it anymore.
posted by cheemee at 11:15 PM on July 14, 2010
When I've been on the receiving end of accidental pain, and the person has made a sincere apology, then I'm not mad whatsoever. The next thing I want to happen is that my focus moves on to other things so that I forget about any pain that may or may not still be there. But if you're still freaking out over whatever you've done, 3 things happen that I don't want to be happening.
(1) I will feel like I have to calm you down
(2) I will be annoyed
(3) if it's relatively minor pain, I would probably forget about it and any pain would stop in a few minutes. but if you keep apologizing, you are basically reminding me that i'm in pain... and so the pain would last longer
so get over it... cuz like you said... no one else is thinking about it anymore.
posted by cheemee at 11:15 PM on July 14, 2010
It's good to see that this isn't so much of a big deal, and you have a license to relax. A lot of people face this to some degree, I think; I sure do.
I also think it's worth noticing what's actually going on here. I think that, when we do something inadvertently which causes another person pain, we have a tendency to channel our concern for the person into shame. It occurs to us to feel terribly ashamed of the little mistake we've made; that shame reminds us of the pain we caused someone else, which in turn drives us to feel more ashamed of ourselves. It's a vicious circle, and it's easy to get caught up in that and keep getting more and more emotionally overwrought. As we keep getting more upset, our friends whom we've hurt are often surprised that this is torturing us more than it is them.
It's easy to act like this in these small situations, and you often think we must be blowing things out of proportion when we do. But one interesting thing to remember is the fact that even if we'd done real lasting harm to someone, and even if we'd done that harm through a very real moral failing (and not just a little mistake), this still wouldn't be the best way to act. Falling into this little spiral of being ashamed at the pain you've caused another person only hurts everybody, especially you, because it means you never get to come to terms with what's happened and try to make it right.
The thing is: it's hard to deal with having done something wrong. It's easy to get caught up in your own feelings of shame, and to dwell on the pain you've caused the person you've wronged. But that's not a healthy or wise way to deal with having done something wrong; we do it, I think, because we feel deep down that we need to be punished. But the right thing to do is always the same: when we realize we've done something wrong and hurt someone, our only goal should be to make sure they're okay and to set things right. If things are set right, then we can tend to ourselves; but usually, once we've set things right, we realize that it's not worth beating ourselves up over such stuff.
NotSoSiniSter: “I prefer to be the victim in such cases because the shame of hurting someone to me is much more immense then physical pain, Because it feels like it never goes away.”
I think this is a very deep and intelligent observation. Socrates used to say something very similar two and a half thousand years ago; he used to like to claim that "it is better to suffer injustice than to do it." Thankfully, most of us don't have to face having done anybody really significant injustice; all the same, it can be tough being in these little situations, because it's a constant struggle to avoid giving in to shame and just letting that emotion consume us. I feel as though I'm trying to teach myself that when I do something wrong, the only really appropriate response is for me to try to do everything in my power to set things right, and then to accept what I've done and forgive myself.
posted by koeselitz at 11:37 PM on July 14, 2010 [7 favorites]
I also think it's worth noticing what's actually going on here. I think that, when we do something inadvertently which causes another person pain, we have a tendency to channel our concern for the person into shame. It occurs to us to feel terribly ashamed of the little mistake we've made; that shame reminds us of the pain we caused someone else, which in turn drives us to feel more ashamed of ourselves. It's a vicious circle, and it's easy to get caught up in that and keep getting more and more emotionally overwrought. As we keep getting more upset, our friends whom we've hurt are often surprised that this is torturing us more than it is them.
It's easy to act like this in these small situations, and you often think we must be blowing things out of proportion when we do. But one interesting thing to remember is the fact that even if we'd done real lasting harm to someone, and even if we'd done that harm through a very real moral failing (and not just a little mistake), this still wouldn't be the best way to act. Falling into this little spiral of being ashamed at the pain you've caused another person only hurts everybody, especially you, because it means you never get to come to terms with what's happened and try to make it right.
The thing is: it's hard to deal with having done something wrong. It's easy to get caught up in your own feelings of shame, and to dwell on the pain you've caused the person you've wronged. But that's not a healthy or wise way to deal with having done something wrong; we do it, I think, because we feel deep down that we need to be punished. But the right thing to do is always the same: when we realize we've done something wrong and hurt someone, our only goal should be to make sure they're okay and to set things right. If things are set right, then we can tend to ourselves; but usually, once we've set things right, we realize that it's not worth beating ourselves up over such stuff.
NotSoSiniSter: “I prefer to be the victim in such cases because the shame of hurting someone to me is much more immense then physical pain, Because it feels like it never goes away.”
I think this is a very deep and intelligent observation. Socrates used to say something very similar two and a half thousand years ago; he used to like to claim that "it is better to suffer injustice than to do it." Thankfully, most of us don't have to face having done anybody really significant injustice; all the same, it can be tough being in these little situations, because it's a constant struggle to avoid giving in to shame and just letting that emotion consume us. I feel as though I'm trying to teach myself that when I do something wrong, the only really appropriate response is for me to try to do everything in my power to set things right, and then to accept what I've done and forgive myself.
posted by koeselitz at 11:37 PM on July 14, 2010 [7 favorites]
You sound a bit obsessive, so maybe some repetitive penance might really help. Seriously. Say ten Hail Marys and five Our Fathers. Then decide that having so paid your penance, you are absolved and can move forward.
posted by orthogonality at 11:47 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by orthogonality at 11:47 PM on July 14, 2010
The feeling fades over time.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:51 AM on July 15, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 12:51 AM on July 15, 2010
I prefer to be the victim in such cases because the shame of hurting someone to me is much more immense then physical pain,
I know how you feel, I do the same thing. Similarly I'd much rather somebody else screwed up and booked our flights on the wrong day, because hey, it's only xx trouble/inconvenience, everyone makes mistakes: but if I did it to someone else, I'd be all OMG I RUINED EVERYTHING I'M AN IDIOT THEY MUST BE SO UPSET WITH ME. What I try and do is figure out, if someone had done this to me what would I want them to do?* And as you're hearing here, most of them want you to get over it.
*Except that I try and adjust it a little for the fact that other people are such freaking weirdos so they probably don't think exactly the way I do
posted by jacalata at 12:59 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know how you feel, I do the same thing. Similarly I'd much rather somebody else screwed up and booked our flights on the wrong day, because hey, it's only xx trouble/inconvenience, everyone makes mistakes: but if I did it to someone else, I'd be all OMG I RUINED EVERYTHING I'M AN IDIOT THEY MUST BE SO UPSET WITH ME. What I try and do is figure out, if someone had done this to me what would I want them to do?* And as you're hearing here, most of them want you to get over it.
*Except that I try and adjust it a little for the fact that other people are such freaking weirdos so they probably don't think exactly the way I do
posted by jacalata at 12:59 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree that excessive apologising is more annoying than the injury/slight itself.
Also agree that if you find it persists, learning a few tricks from cognitive behavioural therapy might be useful for you - Google it and you should find some online resources. It's a method for looking at the unhelpful, unrealistic thoughts that plague you and replacing them with more helpful, rational ones. Don't be put off by the fact that it's often used for clinical depression - just learning a few tricks from the practice can be really helpful for every day life. If you want another Google term to reassure you that you're not alone in this, what you're up to is called rumination - endlessly turning over negative thoughts in your head for no fruitful purpose.
Also - kalimac's advice to mentally shut it in a dresser drawer is slightly ironic in this case :)
posted by penguin pie at 3:42 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also agree that if you find it persists, learning a few tricks from cognitive behavioural therapy might be useful for you - Google it and you should find some online resources. It's a method for looking at the unhelpful, unrealistic thoughts that plague you and replacing them with more helpful, rational ones. Don't be put off by the fact that it's often used for clinical depression - just learning a few tricks from the practice can be really helpful for every day life. If you want another Google term to reassure you that you're not alone in this, what you're up to is called rumination - endlessly turning over negative thoughts in your head for no fruitful purpose.
Also - kalimac's advice to mentally shut it in a dresser drawer is slightly ironic in this case :)
posted by penguin pie at 3:42 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Something that might help: when you say you're sorry and they tell you it's okay, BELIEVE THEM. Put all your effort into believing them instead of into worrying about it.
posted by galadriel at 6:45 AM on July 15, 2010
posted by galadriel at 6:45 AM on July 15, 2010
I have a tendency to ruminate over stuff too. I find it helps to adopt a fatalistic stance with respect to the past, an idea from Stoic philosophy. Not that the event was fated to happen, but that the event has happened and cannot be undone with any amount of rumination. All it does is bring you pain as you fruitlessly reimagine the events, and stress. What you do have control over is your ability to avoid doing the same thing in the future.
So, say in your situation, the robot has plowed its way into your mentors shin. Can't be undone. No amount of replaying the events, reimagining the pain as the robot impacts with his shins, thinking about the if onlys is going to change it. But I guess from now on you can be more cautious and check for hazards or whatever. The mentor will probably appreciate your good faith attempts to do avoid a repeat. I think that's what matters to other people.
Also you seem like a thoughtful person who cares alot for the people around you. Not a bad thing :)
posted by ultrabuff at 7:09 AM on July 15, 2010
So, say in your situation, the robot has plowed its way into your mentors shin. Can't be undone. No amount of replaying the events, reimagining the pain as the robot impacts with his shins, thinking about the if onlys is going to change it. But I guess from now on you can be more cautious and check for hazards or whatever. The mentor will probably appreciate your good faith attempts to do avoid a repeat. I think that's what matters to other people.
Also you seem like a thoughtful person who cares alot for the people around you. Not a bad thing :)
posted by ultrabuff at 7:09 AM on July 15, 2010
The feeling of shame is less affected by apologies than actions. Does your robot have a kill switch? Do you have a spotter? I'm not sure, it sounds like you were playing a game so maybe those don't apply but there must be some safety procedures that you are following right?
A nice touch in an apology is this is why it happened and why it won't happen again. In the case of motorized robots I think that a bit of attention is called for, even if you guys aren't doing full-on accident reports.
posted by Wood at 9:36 AM on July 15, 2010
A nice touch in an apology is this is why it happened and why it won't happen again. In the case of motorized robots I think that a bit of attention is called for, even if you guys aren't doing full-on accident reports.
posted by Wood at 9:36 AM on July 15, 2010
I warn people that I am a terrible klutz in advance and am apt to wound them, myself, multiple times in unique and original ways that life throws at me.
It's only later that they actually believe me, but I figure I did my part.
posted by Dukat at 10:17 AM on July 15, 2010
It's only later that they actually believe me, but I figure I did my part.
posted by Dukat at 10:17 AM on July 15, 2010
It took me a long time to figure this out: all the thinking you do trying to think around some pointless cycle of thought - trying to figure out how whatever that is isn't that bad, or at least not as bad as some other thing, or trying to figure out what other people are thinking about it, or not thinking about it, thinking about how it would be different if you'd done this or that little thing differently... It's all counterproductive. It is all telling your brain that this is in fact an important thing that requires thinking about. You have this idea that in thinking about it more you will "figure it out" and that will allow you to stop. In fact it will just propagate more thought because there's nothing to figure out. This was a normal kind of accident that didn't cause any lasting damage and doesn't require any further thought. Intellectually you know this already.
My basic rule is, if I catch myself thinking about something that isn't happening now, isn't of actual significance (according to my most objective intellectual assessment), and/or there isn't anything reasonable and effective I can do about it here and now, I make a conscious effort to just stop thinking about it. I literally say things inwardly like "that's not happening now" or "I'll deal with that when it's an actual problem" or even just "I'm going to stop thinking about that now." There's usually something at any given time that you ought to be paying attention to or would at least be more worthwhile to pay attention to - think about that instead. I know it sounds kind of simplistic and it takes repeated effort both to learn to notice early on that you are going down this kind of mental path, and to train your brain to actually let go of these thoughts, but for me it really has changed my thinking for the better.
posted by nanojath at 3:45 PM on July 15, 2010
My basic rule is, if I catch myself thinking about something that isn't happening now, isn't of actual significance (according to my most objective intellectual assessment), and/or there isn't anything reasonable and effective I can do about it here and now, I make a conscious effort to just stop thinking about it. I literally say things inwardly like "that's not happening now" or "I'll deal with that when it's an actual problem" or even just "I'm going to stop thinking about that now." There's usually something at any given time that you ought to be paying attention to or would at least be more worthwhile to pay attention to - think about that instead. I know it sounds kind of simplistic and it takes repeated effort both to learn to notice early on that you are going down this kind of mental path, and to train your brain to actually let go of these thoughts, but for me it really has changed my thinking for the better.
posted by nanojath at 3:45 PM on July 15, 2010
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posted by IndigoRain at 10:14 PM on July 14, 2010