Why do my parents hate Canadian guys I date?
July 14, 2010 10:42 AM Subscribe
Is there some reason my early-boomer, somewhat conservative parents have a gripe with Canada - or are they just being their normal crazy?
My parents are from the rural midwest in the States, live in the urban midwest, are fiscal Republicans, born in the late-40's, but are pretty open-minded about all things that don't include who I date. They have always loved/supported me and my sister. Granted, they have never much liked either of our boyfriends.
I'm in my mid-30's and travel a lot for work, and have been involved, by coincidence, with two Canadian guys in the past four years. My most recent is an ideal boyfriend - professional, smart, dotes on me, not rich but stable, loves me for who I am - all that good stuff. I hardly get to see him, but we talk every day and it's the best relationship I've ever been in. My parents should love this guy - he can talk sports with my dad and is sweet/funny for my mom. We've been together for a year, are going to be long-distance for at least another year, and if all goes well, we're hoping to move in together - somehow.
To my parents, I may as well be dating a terrorist. In sum: the US is superior in all ways, our health care is better, our schools are better, nothing good comes out of there, why would you want to live there, there's nothing there for you, etc.... My parents constantly pick him apart behind his back to me and I either play defence or refuse to talk about it. The last time I was with my mom, it involved her yelling at me in a (luckily noisy) restaurant about how she didn't want me to visit him. I came very close to yelling back. In any case, I feel horrible for the bf, who has visited twice and wants a good relationship with my parents, but just gets polite coolness from both of them.
What gives? It's not fun, but I can deal with my parents and cling to the belief that they'll come around some day- they have gone psycho in the past about random things (ex. me living in NYC- hated it until I moved; me going into current profession - hated/denied it until I got successful at it), but I'm trying to understand the motivation here. Should I assume they just don't want me to move far away (though I've made it clear if I settle down in the States, it's not going to be in their city), or is this some generational Canadian/American tension I'm not aware of. Has anyone else had an experience like this from dating someone from a nice, pleasant, probably- better-off-than-we-are-country?
p.s. I LOVE CANADA!!! Don't think I agree with them!!!
My parents are from the rural midwest in the States, live in the urban midwest, are fiscal Republicans, born in the late-40's, but are pretty open-minded about all things that don't include who I date. They have always loved/supported me and my sister. Granted, they have never much liked either of our boyfriends.
I'm in my mid-30's and travel a lot for work, and have been involved, by coincidence, with two Canadian guys in the past four years. My most recent is an ideal boyfriend - professional, smart, dotes on me, not rich but stable, loves me for who I am - all that good stuff. I hardly get to see him, but we talk every day and it's the best relationship I've ever been in. My parents should love this guy - he can talk sports with my dad and is sweet/funny for my mom. We've been together for a year, are going to be long-distance for at least another year, and if all goes well, we're hoping to move in together - somehow.
To my parents, I may as well be dating a terrorist. In sum: the US is superior in all ways, our health care is better, our schools are better, nothing good comes out of there, why would you want to live there, there's nothing there for you, etc.... My parents constantly pick him apart behind his back to me and I either play defence or refuse to talk about it. The last time I was with my mom, it involved her yelling at me in a (luckily noisy) restaurant about how she didn't want me to visit him. I came very close to yelling back. In any case, I feel horrible for the bf, who has visited twice and wants a good relationship with my parents, but just gets polite coolness from both of them.
What gives? It's not fun, but I can deal with my parents and cling to the belief that they'll come around some day- they have gone psycho in the past about random things (ex. me living in NYC- hated it until I moved; me going into current profession - hated/denied it until I got successful at it), but I'm trying to understand the motivation here. Should I assume they just don't want me to move far away (though I've made it clear if I settle down in the States, it's not going to be in their city), or is this some generational Canadian/American tension I'm not aware of. Has anyone else had an experience like this from dating someone from a nice, pleasant, probably- better-off-than-we-are-country?
p.s. I LOVE CANADA!!! Don't think I agree with them!!!
I don't think it has to do with Canada specifically. Canada is far away from the US midwest. Well, far for them. They are afraid you're going to end up with this guy permanently and GASP! move to the Northwest Territories where you will never be seen again. I bet they would say the same things about a guy from the UK, Australia, NZ, etc.
posted by crankylex at 10:51 AM on July 14, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by crankylex at 10:51 AM on July 14, 2010 [9 favorites]
It sounds to me like they either actively disapprove of or question anything that's outside their comfort zone. My parents are late-boomer, having been born in the early 1950s, and they tend to criticize this in their peers (although they're guilty of it in their own way). Think of it as a way they affirm their own lives or life choices: "We made these choices and did these things because they are the right thing to do." It's some crazy black/white thinking, but it makes the panic mode come out when their kids do something that isn't "right."
As for baggage about Canada, a number of people who were of the age to be drafted during the Vietnam war associate it with people who went north to escape the draft.
posted by mikeh at 10:52 AM on July 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
As for baggage about Canada, a number of people who were of the age to be drafted during the Vietnam war associate it with people who went north to escape the draft.
posted by mikeh at 10:52 AM on July 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
Introduce them to the conservative ramblings of Don Cherry, that'll make 'em fans of Canada.
posted by kpht at 10:53 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kpht at 10:53 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I suppose they could still be bitter over the Canadian forces burning Washington DC during the War of 1812, but I expect they would have mentioned that specifically.
I agree with kavasa that this sounds really out of left field, and the best solution is to refuse to discuss it beyond the occasional status update or postcard from the north. Which is hard, when it's your boyfriend and your family, but what else can you do?
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:53 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with kavasa that this sounds really out of left field, and the best solution is to refuse to discuss it beyond the occasional status update or postcard from the north. Which is hard, when it's your boyfriend and your family, but what else can you do?
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:53 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Did you father serve in Vietnam? There may be resentment if your parents knew anyone that defected to Canada to dodge the draft while your father went to war.
posted by tommccabe at 10:54 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by tommccabe at 10:54 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's probably an unease that you may go and run off to some foreign country and they will never see you again. That and the "love it or leave it" belief that if you ever leave the US of A you don't really love it.
posted by JJ86 at 10:57 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by JJ86 at 10:57 AM on July 14, 2010
I'm a Canadian living in America in a part of the US that has a lot of people born elsewhere living there (e.g Netfix says the most popular movies in my zip code are Ishqiya, Rann, Paa, Well Done Abba and Teen Patti). FWIW.
Anyway, Americans are jingoistic. I know - you're not. And your parents are such nice people! They're not racists! But honestly a lot of Americans are extremely limited in their experience and interaction with other places and are extremely prejudiced about them too.
Now, to be fair, lots of people everywhere are jingoistic. Watch 10 minutes of European TV and you'll see a dozen stereotypes get trotted out of beret-wearing French people and Italian lotharios. Everyone in Canada hates Ontario, everyone in Ontario hates Toronto, everyone in flyover country think California is a bunch of dirty hippes, etc, etc. So your parents may not be in good company so much as, uh, popular company.
It's just plain old xenophobia which is easy enough to avoid if you never have to deal with foreigners which is probably true for your parents pretty much all the time except for your crazy Canadian "boyfriend" who you met last summer at band camp.
posted by GuyZero at 10:58 AM on July 14, 2010 [12 favorites]
Anyway, Americans are jingoistic. I know - you're not. And your parents are such nice people! They're not racists! But honestly a lot of Americans are extremely limited in their experience and interaction with other places and are extremely prejudiced about them too.
Now, to be fair, lots of people everywhere are jingoistic. Watch 10 minutes of European TV and you'll see a dozen stereotypes get trotted out of beret-wearing French people and Italian lotharios. Everyone in Canada hates Ontario, everyone in Ontario hates Toronto, everyone in flyover country think California is a bunch of dirty hippes, etc, etc. So your parents may not be in good company so much as, uh, popular company.
It's just plain old xenophobia which is easy enough to avoid if you never have to deal with foreigners which is probably true for your parents pretty much all the time except for your crazy Canadian "boyfriend" who you met last summer at band camp.
posted by GuyZero at 10:58 AM on July 14, 2010 [12 favorites]
Should I assume they just don't want me to move far away
Yes, though it's more about them thinking that your choices in life are a rejection of their own. They're also thinking about their imaginary grandkids.
(There might be a bit of Vietnam-era boomer emnity, but that's marginal. If they have somewhat selective media tastes -- conservative talk radio, Fox News, etc. -- they've probably absorbed some of that, but it's marginal too.)
Is there a way of making it clear to them that their decisions and support and love created the foundation for you to have the life you choose, just as their parents' decisions provided the platform for theirs? Can you draw on your family's history to be able to show that there's both continuity and change from one generation to the next, and that change is not a rejection?
posted by holgate at 10:59 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, though it's more about them thinking that your choices in life are a rejection of their own. They're also thinking about their imaginary grandkids.
(There might be a bit of Vietnam-era boomer emnity, but that's marginal. If they have somewhat selective media tastes -- conservative talk radio, Fox News, etc. -- they've probably absorbed some of that, but it's marginal too.)
Is there a way of making it clear to them that their decisions and support and love created the foundation for you to have the life you choose, just as their parents' decisions provided the platform for theirs? Can you draw on your family's history to be able to show that there's both continuity and change from one generation to the next, and that change is not a rejection?
posted by holgate at 10:59 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's not some generational Canadian/American tension.
If his being Canadian actually matters at all, I would guess it's because the right-wing noise machine uses Canada (when it's not using France) as a liberal boogeyman. They've got the SOCIALIZED MEDICINE DEATH PANELS and the GAY MARRYING HORROR and the NOT POINTLESSLY INVADING SO MANY COUNTRIES. So if you go there it'll be a matter of days before you come back with a copy of The Communist Manifesto and start desecrating bourgeois churches in the name of Gay Marx.
I would bet more that it's some combination of disliking whoever is going to steal you from their loving arms and not wanting you to move someplace foreign, even if Ontario has all the shocking foreignness of Ohio.
Does not apply if boyfriend is a different race than you, or if your family is WASPy and boyfriend is an ethnic Catholic, etc.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:00 AM on July 14, 2010 [8 favorites]
If his being Canadian actually matters at all, I would guess it's because the right-wing noise machine uses Canada (when it's not using France) as a liberal boogeyman. They've got the SOCIALIZED MEDICINE DEATH PANELS and the GAY MARRYING HORROR and the NOT POINTLESSLY INVADING SO MANY COUNTRIES. So if you go there it'll be a matter of days before you come back with a copy of The Communist Manifesto and start desecrating bourgeois churches in the name of Gay Marx.
I would bet more that it's some combination of disliking whoever is going to steal you from their loving arms and not wanting you to move someplace foreign, even if Ontario has all the shocking foreignness of Ohio.
Does not apply if boyfriend is a different race than you, or if your family is WASPy and boyfriend is an ethnic Catholic, etc.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:00 AM on July 14, 2010 [8 favorites]
It's a control thing. If you are with someone from Canada you are NOT with someone in their area who is justlikethem.
They are flirting with your getting fed up enough to cut off contact. Perhaps they need to be reminded of that.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:01 AM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
They are flirting with your getting fed up enough to cut off contact. Perhaps they need to be reminded of that.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:01 AM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
It sounds like old-people-fwd-message internet crazy to me. For the last 10 years, seemingly open-minded conservatives have been holding hands and regressing into these childish attitudes. My Mum gets forwarded some nasty, scary email shit from some of our nicest relatives.
I'm a Canadian and have never met an American who ever showed anything more than polite disdain for my country.
posted by bonobothegreat at 11:02 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm a Canadian and have never met an American who ever showed anything more than polite disdain for my country.
posted by bonobothegreat at 11:02 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have lived in both the US and Canada (I am currently living in Canada) and the two countries are remarkably similar. There is a weird parallel between the state of Texas and the province of Alberta, for example. Their economies both include cattle ranching and the oil industry, and they are both among the more politically conservative parts of their respective countries. Perhaps the only startling difference between the two countries is that same-sex marriage is legal in Canada - and even then, there are several US states which have taken similar steps. However, if your parents are very homophobic, it is possible that this is what concerns them. However, it is more likely that they think that America is the only acceptable country of origin. They are being chauvanistic.
posted by grizzled at 11:02 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by grizzled at 11:02 AM on July 14, 2010
And if it makes you feel any better my Canadian mother still hates my American brother-in-law from back when he was just a boyfriend. But I mean, Kentucky, right? Seriously, what's up with Kentucky? That's reason enough to hate someone right there.
posted by GuyZero at 11:02 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by GuyZero at 11:02 AM on July 14, 2010
Granted, they have never much liked either of our boyfriends.
So this isn't really new behavior, right? "What can we latch on to to hate this new guy? Ooooh, he's Canadian!" Maybe it's just that nobody's right for their girls, period, and that was the easiest reach for them to hang the old hat on.
posted by Skot at 11:03 AM on July 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
So this isn't really new behavior, right? "What can we latch on to to hate this new guy? Ooooh, he's Canadian!" Maybe it's just that nobody's right for their girls, period, and that was the easiest reach for them to hang the old hat on.
posted by Skot at 11:03 AM on July 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think the key is the republican/conservative piece. Canada is often used as an example (especially around the issue of Health Care), so the conservatives need to rally against it...it must be terrible...not a good idea...socialism.... and on and on... I suspect you're catching the fallout from the party line of canada=bad.
posted by HuronBob at 11:03 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by HuronBob at 11:03 AM on July 14, 2010
It sounds to me like they either actively disapprove of or question anything that's outside their comfort zone.
This.
My parents are like that about everything except my choice of partners (weirdly enough).
I'm afraid you'll just have to put your foot down, explain to them that although they are free to think whatever they like about whomever they like, trying to undermine your relationship like this is beyond the pale. Tell them they have no choice other than to accept your relationship with this guy, because you get to choose your significant other, not them. Don't try and explain the reasons why they should like him, because they seem to have a blind spot there. They just need to respect your independent choice.
I don't think it's got anything to do with Canada, really. They see this as you leaving them, as him taking you away from them, and they don't like it.
posted by idiomatika at 11:07 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This.
My parents are like that about everything except my choice of partners (weirdly enough).
I'm afraid you'll just have to put your foot down, explain to them that although they are free to think whatever they like about whomever they like, trying to undermine your relationship like this is beyond the pale. Tell them they have no choice other than to accept your relationship with this guy, because you get to choose your significant other, not them. Don't try and explain the reasons why they should like him, because they seem to have a blind spot there. They just need to respect your independent choice.
I don't think it's got anything to do with Canada, really. They see this as you leaving them, as him taking you away from them, and they don't like it.
posted by idiomatika at 11:07 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm guessing they'd feel the same way about a guy from San Francisco or other domestic equivalents of the Canada stereotype (godless, liberal, socialist, whatever). Some combination of the distance element but maybe more importantly a rejection of their "values". That would also really fit with them hating you in NYC, which has a similar reputation.
posted by wildcrdj at 11:07 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by wildcrdj at 11:07 AM on July 14, 2010
I don't think this is really about Canada in particular and am inclined to agree with St. Alia.
Canada is far away from the US midwest.
No it's not. Many states in the U.S. midwest border Canada.
If his being Canadian actually matters at all, I would guess it's because the right-wing noise machine uses Canada (when it's not using France) as a liberal boogeyman. They've got the SOCIALIZED MEDICINE DEATH PANELS and the GAY MARRYING HORROR and the NOT POINTLESSLY INVADING SO MANY COUNTRIES.
Canadian troops served in and supported the U.S. war in Iraq and the war in Afghanistan.
posted by Jahaza at 11:12 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Canada is far away from the US midwest.
No it's not. Many states in the U.S. midwest border Canada.
If his being Canadian actually matters at all, I would guess it's because the right-wing noise machine uses Canada (when it's not using France) as a liberal boogeyman. They've got the SOCIALIZED MEDICINE DEATH PANELS and the GAY MARRYING HORROR and the NOT POINTLESSLY INVADING SO MANY COUNTRIES.
Canadian troops served in and supported the U.S. war in Iraq and the war in Afghanistan.
posted by Jahaza at 11:12 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm with Skot. If they've never liked any of your or your sister's boyfriends the Canada thing is not the real issue.
posted by IanMorr at 11:16 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by IanMorr at 11:16 AM on July 14, 2010
Jahaza: Canada is far away from the US midwest.
No it's not. Many states in the U.S. midwest border Canada.
I realize that. Which is why I qualified that statement with "Well, far for them." Even though it's probably close enough to drive to from where they live, mentally, Canada is "far."
posted by crankylex at 11:19 AM on July 14, 2010
No it's not. Many states in the U.S. midwest border Canada.
I realize that. Which is why I qualified that statement with "Well, far for them." Even though it's probably close enough to drive to from where they live, mentally, Canada is "far."
posted by crankylex at 11:19 AM on July 14, 2010
It's crazy and it makes no sense but it is also really really common. I know several Canadian bloggers who are the target of random drive-by American hatred. I also had a friend ages ago who ran a funny pro-Canada website, and the hate mail she got... WOW.
The only sense I can make out of it is that some people feel threatened by Canada's awesomeness. This is the same impulse that makes people relish photos of beautiful rich attractive famous young starlets in bikinis showing OMG A TINY BIT OF CELLULITE.
posted by ErikaB at 11:24 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
The only sense I can make out of it is that some people feel threatened by Canada's awesomeness. This is the same impulse that makes people relish photos of beautiful rich attractive famous young starlets in bikinis showing OMG A TINY BIT OF CELLULITE.
posted by ErikaB at 11:24 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Okay, going out on a limb here, and there isn't any way of telling from the post, but...
If you happen to be a dude, your boyfriend's Canadianness may just be a proxy for, well, the fact that he's also a dude.
Just throwing it out there.
posted by valkyryn at 11:30 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you happen to be a dude, your boyfriend's Canadianness may just be a proxy for, well, the fact that he's also a dude.
Just throwing it out there.
posted by valkyryn at 11:30 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd say ROU_Xenophobe has it. Canada represents the socialist country we all love to hate. But Canada is very successful and happy, you say? Well that's because we Americans protect them with our military, fund them with our trade, and pay for all the research that goes into those expensive pharmaceuticals they can sell generics of! (No really, I've heard these exact arguments from very conservative Midwestern family members)
Whether or not it makes sense it not at issue here. This sort of stuff is not logical. Canada is a little bit of socialist (Communist?!) Europe, alarmingly close to home. If there's a chance you'd move to Canada with this boyfriend, then you're suddenly choosing this weird socialist place over the good ol' US of A you've been raised to love -- and what does that say about your patriotic parents?
posted by olinerd at 11:31 AM on July 14, 2010
Whether or not it makes sense it not at issue here. This sort of stuff is not logical. Canada is a little bit of socialist (Communist?!) Europe, alarmingly close to home. If there's a chance you'd move to Canada with this boyfriend, then you're suddenly choosing this weird socialist place over the good ol' US of A you've been raised to love -- and what does that say about your patriotic parents?
posted by olinerd at 11:31 AM on July 14, 2010
Did your parents by any chance oppose the HCR bill? Canada was in the spotlight a lot during the healthcare debate because of its public option. It was pretty common for Americans of the conservative variety to decry the (I'm guessing exaggerated? I'm not Canadian) shortfalls of the Canadian healthcare system, especially long lines and "substandard" care. They'd also trumpet the superiority of the existing American system. I'm sure that unless you have any further knowledge of Canada, it's a short leap from the healthcare issue to assume that all facets of Canadian life are inferior.
posted by oinopaponton at 11:37 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by oinopaponton at 11:37 AM on July 14, 2010
I agree with ROU_Xenophobe and others who are saying it's a political thing. I have a conservative friend who can't pass up a chance to knock Canada.
posted by feste at 11:39 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by feste at 11:39 AM on July 14, 2010
It's a control thing. If you are with someone from Canada you are NOT with someone in their area who is justlikethem.
This is what I was thinking, too. They remind me of my friend's parents. She ended up (unconciously) moving as far away from them as she possibly could without actually leaving the country. When she moved in with her not-good-enough boyfriend, she let her parents know she was telling them "as an information item, not to open it up for discussion."
It's not about Canada. It's about your parents' comfort zone. They may come around, like they did with those other aspects of your life.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2010
This is what I was thinking, too. They remind me of my friend's parents. She ended up (unconciously) moving as far away from them as she possibly could without actually leaving the country. When she moved in with her not-good-enough boyfriend, she let her parents know she was telling them "as an information item, not to open it up for discussion."
It's not about Canada. It's about your parents' comfort zone. They may come around, like they did with those other aspects of your life.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2010
I'm going to re-iterate xenophobia here and ask a question: do your parents know any other foreigners?
posted by GuyZero at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by GuyZero at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2010
It's not xenophobia. They just don't like him, or don't like the idea that their little kid is all grown up and making choices. Being Canadian is just a stand-in for their real gripe.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:45 AM on July 14, 2010
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:45 AM on July 14, 2010
the only Canadian/American tensions are those that are ginned up by right of center Americans and ignorant individuals on both sides of the boarder. I'm a duo-citizen currently living in the US, My (US) in-laws are fairly liberal and we get along great... they are also involved in the medical profession and my MIL seems to be absolutely convinced that medical treatment in Canada is OMGBAD!!!$. It amazes me how ignorant of a position that is from a person so dyed-in-the-wool liberal, and if THEY can hold such a position anyone right of them is going to be even worse.
But, as others have alluded to, it also likely is just plain old fashion xenophobia that would apply just as evenly if the bf was from some other random spot on the map that they have preconceived misconceptions about.
posted by edgeways at 11:46 AM on July 14, 2010
But, as others have alluded to, it also likely is just plain old fashion xenophobia that would apply just as evenly if the bf was from some other random spot on the map that they have preconceived misconceptions about.
posted by edgeways at 11:46 AM on July 14, 2010
Maybe it's just that nobody's right for their girls, period, and that was the easiest reach for them to hang the old hat on.
I'm inclined to "this." Is there any indication that they would approve of any male who actually exists?
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on July 14, 2010
I'm inclined to "this." Is there any indication that they would approve of any male who actually exists?
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on July 14, 2010
Granted, they have never much liked either of our boyfriends.
They are threatened by you being close to anyone but them.
posted by new brand day at 11:50 AM on July 14, 2010
They are threatened by you being close to anyone but them.
posted by new brand day at 11:50 AM on July 14, 2010
They probably don't want you to move to Canada, but are unable to express this to you in plain language.
As someone else suggested, just explain that your boyfriend makes you happy, he has a job, decent values, etc. Then say you don't want to talk about Canada ever again, because it makes you uncomfortable.
If they are verbally abusive to you, just try getting up and walking away.
It will be weird for them, but after a while (if you stick to your guns and do not engage with them) they will come around.
You're their daughter, after all. They want you to be in their life. So start making some ground rules.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:56 AM on July 14, 2010
As someone else suggested, just explain that your boyfriend makes you happy, he has a job, decent values, etc. Then say you don't want to talk about Canada ever again, because it makes you uncomfortable.
If they are verbally abusive to you, just try getting up and walking away.
It will be weird for them, but after a while (if you stick to your guns and do not engage with them) they will come around.
You're their daughter, after all. They want you to be in their life. So start making some ground rules.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:56 AM on July 14, 2010
I don't know where the attitude is coming from, but I think that the suspicion that your parents have been watching too much Fox News and internalizing attitudes about how everyone who has healthcare is morally suspect.
That said, your parents aren't nuts, they're rude. Treating a guest in your home like he is the representative of a foreign government or a political philosophy is not kosher in any book. And while there has been a push on channels like Fox to dehumanize people who don't agree with them or who frighten them (see, for example, Democrats, or workers, undocumented) that's really no excuse to abuse or snub people in your own home. It just flies in the face of hospitality.
posted by pickypicky at 11:57 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, your parents aren't nuts, they're rude. Treating a guest in your home like he is the representative of a foreign government or a political philosophy is not kosher in any book. And while there has been a push on channels like Fox to dehumanize people who don't agree with them or who frighten them (see, for example, Democrats, or workers, undocumented) that's really no excuse to abuse or snub people in your own home. It just flies in the face of hospitality.
posted by pickypicky at 11:57 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with ROU_Xenophobe and others who are saying it's a political thing.
I don't think it's a political thing. I think it's just overbearing parents who don't want their precious baby growing up and moving away. I think the boyfriend's being Canadian is just a convenient stick to beat on him with.
But if it were a political thing, it isn't some generational conflict with Canada because they're boomers, is all.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:01 PM on July 14, 2010
I don't think it's a political thing. I think it's just overbearing parents who don't want their precious baby growing up and moving away. I think the boyfriend's being Canadian is just a convenient stick to beat on him with.
But if it were a political thing, it isn't some generational conflict with Canada because they're boomers, is all.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:01 PM on July 14, 2010
I live in the Houston area, and have had Canadian neighbors. Lots of Canadians work here in the energy industries, just a number of Texans work in Alberta. There are direct flights every day between Houston and Calgary. I'm not aware of any tension between Canadians and Americans, although clearly there are differences.
I also say this as a late-boomer who has mid-boomer brothers and sisters; we grew up in a military background, and the idea Vietnam-era "draft-dodgers" being a bone of contention between Americans and Canadians (then or now) seems simply ludicrous to me.
In my opinion, this comes down to your parents' discomfort with whoever you date. I wonder if you have dated any other people from foreign countries, or from distant parts of the US, and if your parents voiced their criticism in a similar way.
posted by Robert Angelo at 12:15 PM on July 14, 2010
I also say this as a late-boomer who has mid-boomer brothers and sisters; we grew up in a military background, and the idea Vietnam-era "draft-dodgers" being a bone of contention between Americans and Canadians (then or now) seems simply ludicrous to me.
In my opinion, this comes down to your parents' discomfort with whoever you date. I wonder if you have dated any other people from foreign countries, or from distant parts of the US, and if your parents voiced their criticism in a similar way.
posted by Robert Angelo at 12:15 PM on July 14, 2010
I'm a Canadian who is probably close to your parents' age. I've never encountered any hostility from Americans in person.
However, I *have* noticed American liberals and conservatives using Canada as a sort of battleground over the last few as your culture wars heated up. We're either the liberals' land of milk and honey or the conservatives' soviet outpost of Canuckistan. Neither view has anything to do with us; it's just something else to fight over.
Your parents probably see Canada as another New York: a frighteningly different place that's going to steal their daughter away from them.
posted by timeistight at 12:34 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
However, I *have* noticed American liberals and conservatives using Canada as a sort of battleground over the last few as your culture wars heated up. We're either the liberals' land of milk and honey or the conservatives' soviet outpost of Canuckistan. Neither view has anything to do with us; it's just something else to fight over.
Your parents probably see Canada as another New York: a frighteningly different place that's going to steal their daughter away from them.
posted by timeistight at 12:34 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can you invite them to drive up for [their favorite thing ever] in Winnipeg or something? And/or be able to drive down and visit them after you and he go to [that thing] in Winnipeg?
They'll probably sigh heavily, but maybe over time they'll catch on that your newfound love for Canada means more time for them with you, and maybe also lots of fun [going tubing] [eating sauerkraut] [going to quilting festivals] [antiquing]?
(My boyfriend's parents have never invited us to anything that didn't involve incredible amounts of gourmet food and wine-tasting. I recognize it as purely Pavlovian but still feel happy whenever they suggest we get together.)
posted by salvia at 12:54 PM on July 14, 2010
They'll probably sigh heavily, but maybe over time they'll catch on that your newfound love for Canada means more time for them with you, and maybe also lots of fun [going tubing] [eating sauerkraut] [going to quilting festivals] [antiquing]?
(My boyfriend's parents have never invited us to anything that didn't involve incredible amounts of gourmet food and wine-tasting. I recognize it as purely Pavlovian but still feel happy whenever they suggest we get together.)
posted by salvia at 12:54 PM on July 14, 2010
Misguided patriotism. My parents are slightly older than yours, also life long Midwesterners. A few of their children tried to or managed to live in other countries. There was nothing but criticism and bickering, and the inevitable "told you so" when one of my sibs returned home (for personal reasons having nothing to do with the country they lived in at the time)
My parents are jingoistically American and to them, no other country would ever live up to American Standards and reputation. I also felt it was a form of control over us kids when they would argue with us about not moving out of the country. They never have traveled outside of North America, and never had any interest to (they even turned down a free trip to London! idiots!!!) and I've always felt it was due to blind patriotism and exerting parental control, nothing more.
Perhaps your folks are just knee-jerk patriotic Americans and will do or say anything to keep you from "making a mistake" when you, I and the rest of the posters here know that is very far from the truth.
Oh, and for the record ... I'm an American who passionately *loves* Canada and nearly all things Canadian and I have many wonderful Canadian friends.
posted by kuppajava at 1:22 PM on July 14, 2010
My parents are jingoistically American and to them, no other country would ever live up to American Standards and reputation. I also felt it was a form of control over us kids when they would argue with us about not moving out of the country. They never have traveled outside of North America, and never had any interest to (they even turned down a free trip to London! idiots!!!) and I've always felt it was due to blind patriotism and exerting parental control, nothing more.
Perhaps your folks are just knee-jerk patriotic Americans and will do or say anything to keep you from "making a mistake" when you, I and the rest of the posters here know that is very far from the truth.
Oh, and for the record ... I'm an American who passionately *loves* Canada and nearly all things Canadian and I have many wonderful Canadian friends.
posted by kuppajava at 1:22 PM on July 14, 2010
I realize that. Which is why I qualified that statement with "Well, far for them." Even though it's probably close enough to drive to from where they live, mentally, Canada is "far."
But that's why this is extra-weird. There is a lot of acknowledged kinship between the Midwest and the bordering areas of Canada.
My guess is that "Canadian" is the only thing they can dream up to dislike, and that this is just part of their typical pattern of disapproval of your boyfriends.
posted by desuetude at 3:02 PM on July 14, 2010
But that's why this is extra-weird. There is a lot of acknowledged kinship between the Midwest and the bordering areas of Canada.
My guess is that "Canadian" is the only thing they can dream up to dislike, and that this is just part of their typical pattern of disapproval of your boyfriends.
posted by desuetude at 3:02 PM on July 14, 2010
They're crazy and nobody you'd ever want to date is going to be good enough for them.
posted by callmejay at 3:43 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by callmejay at 3:43 PM on July 14, 2010
It sounds to me like they dislike him personally; even though he has many good qualities, those might not be the qualities that they care about.
They might alternatively (or additionally) think he's stringing you along/wasting your time: they might be thinking any man who willfully lives hundreds of miles away from his girlfriend must be out messing around; they might also be thinking you're wasting your time with the whole LDR thing by following this guy around the continent and planning the next few years of your life around him when there are no firm plans from him and no commitment.
Just to be clear I do not think this is the case AT ALL, just that they might think it and that's why they're on this campaign against him.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:52 PM on July 14, 2010
They might alternatively (or additionally) think he's stringing you along/wasting your time: they might be thinking any man who willfully lives hundreds of miles away from his girlfriend must be out messing around; they might also be thinking you're wasting your time with the whole LDR thing by following this guy around the continent and planning the next few years of your life around him when there are no firm plans from him and no commitment.
Just to be clear I do not think this is the case AT ALL, just that they might think it and that's why they're on this campaign against him.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:52 PM on July 14, 2010
An observation that hasn't arisen yet...
The US is kinda strange in that studies and such that I've read (not to mention the actual practice of many many people I know and have known) suggest that it's one of the most mobile places around - people move all the time for jobs and things, or just to change their life.
At the same time though, in a lot of discussions both online and off you often see "out of state" used as if it's on the moon - "someone had to go out of state to do X or Y" or whatever. And not just related to gov't services (which would be understandable) - but all kinds of things. People seem to really make a big deal about it. Kind of a paradox, it seems.
In that context, Canada isn't just "out-of-state" but a whole other country... so there's the fact that it may seem so distant (psychologically) as to be unreachable.
They may also be hoping that you to do what you do for a while but end up "back home" - and that may seem much less likely with a Canadian boyfriend. My brother (from Ottawa) moved to New York and ended up marrying a woman from Texas, and now live in CT. Their life has always been long-distance with respect to extended family, and moving to Ottawa or Toronto would make ZERO difference logistically compared with CT. But I doubt it would ever happen - there is a psychological distance there.
posted by mikel at 9:36 PM on July 14, 2010
The US is kinda strange in that studies and such that I've read (not to mention the actual practice of many many people I know and have known) suggest that it's one of the most mobile places around - people move all the time for jobs and things, or just to change their life.
At the same time though, in a lot of discussions both online and off you often see "out of state" used as if it's on the moon - "someone had to go out of state to do X or Y" or whatever. And not just related to gov't services (which would be understandable) - but all kinds of things. People seem to really make a big deal about it. Kind of a paradox, it seems.
In that context, Canada isn't just "out-of-state" but a whole other country... so there's the fact that it may seem so distant (psychologically) as to be unreachable.
They may also be hoping that you to do what you do for a while but end up "back home" - and that may seem much less likely with a Canadian boyfriend. My brother (from Ottawa) moved to New York and ended up marrying a woman from Texas, and now live in CT. Their life has always been long-distance with respect to extended family, and moving to Ottawa or Toronto would make ZERO difference logistically compared with CT. But I doubt it would ever happen - there is a psychological distance there.
posted by mikel at 9:36 PM on July 14, 2010
Chiming in with another data point - my wife's family are broadly Republican (old-school fiscal, not new-variety neocon loonies) and very nice people. However, there were pretty baffled at our decision to make our home in the UK. Continued exposure to me, my wife's experiences with the NHS and just lots of contact has diminished this bafflement, but it's still there.
Nearly all of the Americans I've met, regardless of political stripe, have some implicit belief in the 'America is the best country in the world to live in' school of thought. It just varies (wildly) in the vocalness and points of contrast. Super-liberal, well-travelled Americans that I know tend to say things like 'I love visiting other countries, and I'm well aware of the flaws of my own country, but I couldn't imagine living anywhere else'. Whereas the more conservative folks of my acquaintance think in terms of opposition, as in there literally can't be a better way of living, of going about things and of running a country, with any suggestion to the contrary (or in the more extreme cases, mere existence) being an affront to their choices and beliefs.
You and your boyfriend are smack in the middle of this exceptionalist mindset and at the slightly crazy end of the scale. I'd recommend making your relationship off limits. And hey, move to Canada, it's a damn nice place.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:56 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nearly all of the Americans I've met, regardless of political stripe, have some implicit belief in the 'America is the best country in the world to live in' school of thought. It just varies (wildly) in the vocalness and points of contrast. Super-liberal, well-travelled Americans that I know tend to say things like 'I love visiting other countries, and I'm well aware of the flaws of my own country, but I couldn't imagine living anywhere else'. Whereas the more conservative folks of my acquaintance think in terms of opposition, as in there literally can't be a better way of living, of going about things and of running a country, with any suggestion to the contrary (or in the more extreme cases, mere existence) being an affront to their choices and beliefs.
You and your boyfriend are smack in the middle of this exceptionalist mindset and at the slightly crazy end of the scale. I'd recommend making your relationship off limits. And hey, move to Canada, it's a damn nice place.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:56 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I either play defence...
Perhaps it's his influence on your spelling.
posted by Vectorcon Systems at 11:18 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Perhaps it's his influence on your spelling.
posted by Vectorcon Systems at 11:18 AM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's probably a combination of the fear that you're going to move thousands of miles away and never see them, spiced with the current right wing bias against Canada.
As you've said in the past, they've disliked other partners, so it's not the Canada thing. Live your life and don't engage them on this.
posted by arcticseal at 10:29 PM on July 16, 2010
As you've said in the past, they've disliked other partners, so it's not the Canada thing. Live your life and don't engage them on this.
posted by arcticseal at 10:29 PM on July 16, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Personally, I would have a hard time saying what I would want to say in face to face, so if I were in your situation I would send them a letter/email along the lines of:
"Unfortunately, although I love you both, I think it's time that the subject of my boyfriend became off limits for conversation. He makes me the happiest that I have ever been and loves me as much as I love him. That ought to be good enough for you, and since it's not, we simply can't talk about him."
That may or may not be the right answer for you; it's just what I'd do in your situation.
posted by kavasa at 10:48 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]