Feeling bitter about the break up
July 1, 2010 1:00 PM Subscribe
I dated this guy for almost 6 months on and off. This past couple of months we have been dating exclusively and everything seemed to be fine between us. He broke up with me yesterday and I am in shock.
I am a female in my late 20's and dated this guy for about 6 months on and off. We dated exclusively for a couple of months and it seemed that everything was going fine between us. He broke up with me last night and all he could tell me was that he was not feeling it and he didn't think that we could be together long term. I have to mention that he broke up with me 3 or 4 times before for basically nothing (except one time that he mentioned that someone else was in the picture) but we got back together every time.
Few days ago we had an argument which was mainly my fault. In a conversation, he mentioned something about an ex girlfriend and I kept asking him questions about his ex and that got him really annoyed. I was not really trying to start fight or anything and I was just curious (one time that he broke up with me he mentioned that someone else was in the picture and I just wanted to know if he was talking about the same person). He was very irritated after that conversation and needed space. I felt pretty terrible about that conversation and my stupid questions but I apologized. He was acting very cold for a couple of days after that argument and last night he called and ended our relationship. Do you think he broke up with me because of this?
I have to say that I am a confident and independent girl but I was feeling very insecure in this relationship because of what happened between us in the past and sometimes I was looking for reassurance from him. But, I was trying hard to build the lost trust between us again. Everything was going fine between us. We were definitely spending more time together and I had started feeling more comfortable with him and he always told me that he liked and cared about me. I felt like we were a couple.
I have been really attracted to this guy (that's why I took him back every time after we broke up) and totally in shock about what happened between us. He broke up with me over the phone and he refused to meet up to talk face to face. I know that it is not attractive at all to act insecure but it was mainly because of the way he treated me in the past. I feel that I have to move on with my life and I think there is no hope for this relationship at this point but it's not very easy. Any advice?
I am a female in my late 20's and dated this guy for about 6 months on and off. We dated exclusively for a couple of months and it seemed that everything was going fine between us. He broke up with me last night and all he could tell me was that he was not feeling it and he didn't think that we could be together long term. I have to mention that he broke up with me 3 or 4 times before for basically nothing (except one time that he mentioned that someone else was in the picture) but we got back together every time.
Few days ago we had an argument which was mainly my fault. In a conversation, he mentioned something about an ex girlfriend and I kept asking him questions about his ex and that got him really annoyed. I was not really trying to start fight or anything and I was just curious (one time that he broke up with me he mentioned that someone else was in the picture and I just wanted to know if he was talking about the same person). He was very irritated after that conversation and needed space. I felt pretty terrible about that conversation and my stupid questions but I apologized. He was acting very cold for a couple of days after that argument and last night he called and ended our relationship. Do you think he broke up with me because of this?
I have to say that I am a confident and independent girl but I was feeling very insecure in this relationship because of what happened between us in the past and sometimes I was looking for reassurance from him. But, I was trying hard to build the lost trust between us again. Everything was going fine between us. We were definitely spending more time together and I had started feeling more comfortable with him and he always told me that he liked and cared about me. I felt like we were a couple.
I have been really attracted to this guy (that's why I took him back every time after we broke up) and totally in shock about what happened between us. He broke up with me over the phone and he refused to meet up to talk face to face. I know that it is not attractive at all to act insecure but it was mainly because of the way he treated me in the past. I feel that I have to move on with my life and I think there is no hope for this relationship at this point but it's not very easy. Any advice?
If you guys have broken up that many times, it might be time to call it quits for real, regardless of why he broke up with you.
Also, anyone who breaks up with you over the phone and refuses to talk face-to-face isn't worth it, in my opinion.
I am a confident and independent girl but I was feeling very insecure in this relationship because of what happened between us in the past.
Go back to being that confident and independent girl! You can find someone else who appreciates and encourages that.
posted by good day merlock at 1:09 PM on July 1, 2010
Also, anyone who breaks up with you over the phone and refuses to talk face-to-face isn't worth it, in my opinion.
I am a confident and independent girl but I was feeling very insecure in this relationship because of what happened between us in the past.
Go back to being that confident and independent girl! You can find someone else who appreciates and encourages that.
posted by good day merlock at 1:09 PM on July 1, 2010
And also, yes, seconding everything decathecting said.
posted by good day merlock at 1:09 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by good day merlock at 1:09 PM on July 1, 2010
Agree with good day merlock and decathecting. Give yourself time and be independent, good things will happen.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 1:10 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by Threeway Handshake at 1:10 PM on July 1, 2010
After a bit of time, you can look back and consider this break up a gift. I know it's hard now, but don't let a wishy-washy uncommunicative person have this much power over you. It will get better.
posted by spec80 at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spec80 at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Time, and really not letting yourself think about him. Make it so his name doesn't show up in gChat or IM, get him off your speed dial.
and
2) AskMe wisdom: "Here is my ironclad rule: Don't date jerks. You already know he's a jerk, so don't re-open this case. Jerks may "deserve" an equal shot at love or whatever, but you're not a social service agency. It's not your job to get him what he "deserves"." from LobsterMitten in another thread.
I know you say the fight was your fault, but it doesn't really read that way to me, and the dude's already broken up with you a number of time. He sounds like a jerk, at least right now, and at least to you.
posted by mercredi at 1:16 PM on July 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
and
2) AskMe wisdom: "Here is my ironclad rule: Don't date jerks. You already know he's a jerk, so don't re-open this case. Jerks may "deserve" an equal shot at love or whatever, but you're not a social service agency. It's not your job to get him what he "deserves"." from LobsterMitten in another thread.
I know you say the fight was your fault, but it doesn't really read that way to me, and the dude's already broken up with you a number of time. He sounds like a jerk, at least right now, and at least to you.
posted by mercredi at 1:16 PM on July 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
In a good relationship, you do not break up five times in six months. That is the very definition of not "going fine." I can understand you're sad but really: let this go. It's not going to work.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [12 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [12 favorites]
Everything was going fine between us.
I'm sorry, but if he broke up with you 4 or 5 times (so many you lost track) within a 6-month relationship, everything was not going fine.
It sounds like he's addicted to rashly breaking up. I can actually understand why someone would be even if there doesn't objectively seem to be anything wrong with the relationship. Why would he act like this? Simple: by always being the dumper, he (1) insures himself against getting dumped himself and (2) gets to exercise control and be the dominant one in the relationship (albeit perhaps a dead relationship). I'm sure you don't like hearing this -- you don't think of him as so cold and ruthless -- but that's what his behavior suggests.
I feel that I have to move on with my life and I think there is no hope for this relationship at this point but it's not very easy. Any advice?
I agree with you. It's good to hear that you're already fairly (not completely) resolved about the need to move on. That doesn't mean you have to repress your feelings -- it's going to be hard for a little while, but you can get through it and move on. It may have been 6 months of mostly good times, but you can now see that that's in the past and it's not going to work out.
(I wrote this before reading spec80's comment, which suggests it would be a very common reaction to what you wrote:)
I know it doesn't feel like this now, but you'll be able to look back on this someday and say he did you a favor by freeing you from him. There's someone much better for you out there.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, but if he broke up with you 4 or 5 times (so many you lost track) within a 6-month relationship, everything was not going fine.
It sounds like he's addicted to rashly breaking up. I can actually understand why someone would be even if there doesn't objectively seem to be anything wrong with the relationship. Why would he act like this? Simple: by always being the dumper, he (1) insures himself against getting dumped himself and (2) gets to exercise control and be the dominant one in the relationship (albeit perhaps a dead relationship). I'm sure you don't like hearing this -- you don't think of him as so cold and ruthless -- but that's what his behavior suggests.
I feel that I have to move on with my life and I think there is no hope for this relationship at this point but it's not very easy. Any advice?
I agree with you. It's good to hear that you're already fairly (not completely) resolved about the need to move on. That doesn't mean you have to repress your feelings -- it's going to be hard for a little while, but you can get through it and move on. It may have been 6 months of mostly good times, but you can now see that that's in the past and it's not going to work out.
(I wrote this before reading spec80's comment, which suggests it would be a very common reaction to what you wrote:)
I know it doesn't feel like this now, but you'll be able to look back on this someday and say he did you a favor by freeing you from him. There's someone much better for you out there.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Familiarize yourself with the principle of least interest. This guy obviously doesn't give a shit about you. You, for better or worse, like him. What's so unfair about this situation--and I've been in it--is that the person who cares and who tries to make the relationship work is the one who gets screwed.
Except in very special circumstances, relationships pretty much can't recover from breakups. If you've had multiple breakups then it's definitely over. Don't question whether you did something to cause it. If the other party is disinterested then they'll break up on whim, no matter how well you treat them or how much you try to make things work.
Whatever you do, don't take him back. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't value them for who they are.
posted by resiny at 1:20 PM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Except in very special circumstances, relationships pretty much can't recover from breakups. If you've had multiple breakups then it's definitely over. Don't question whether you did something to cause it. If the other party is disinterested then they'll break up on whim, no matter how well you treat them or how much you try to make things work.
Whatever you do, don't take him back. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't value them for who they are.
posted by resiny at 1:20 PM on July 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
This guy has led you around, treated you terribly, and from what you have written, seems like a guy I'd be glad to forget about in a second. There are people out there who will not just tell you they care about you, but who will show it. Who will, even if they are breaking up with you, be decent about it. Who will not break up with you time and time again because they can't figure out what they want.
Seriously, good riddance. You seem like a sweet girl with a good heart and good intentions. Forget about him. Keep your eyes open so that you don't end up in this situation again with another jerk. Do not let this guy back into your life. Doing so is only preventing you from finding a man who will treat you the way you deserve, that is, with respect and consideration for you and your feelings. Please don't let yourself be treated like this dude has treated you.
posted by DeltaForce at 1:25 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seriously, good riddance. You seem like a sweet girl with a good heart and good intentions. Forget about him. Keep your eyes open so that you don't end up in this situation again with another jerk. Do not let this guy back into your life. Doing so is only preventing you from finding a man who will treat you the way you deserve, that is, with respect and consideration for you and your feelings. Please don't let yourself be treated like this dude has treated you.
posted by DeltaForce at 1:25 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry to double post, but to add to that - as others have said, there's not much you can do to make the initial feelings of sadness go away. They linger for a while, and they're perfectly normal/healthy. But eventually they fade. And the tunnel vision you developed in your relationship will gradually widen out. And you'll start noticing attractive guys and having crushes again.
And then, maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months, you'll look back and--I guarantee it--realize that, sucky though it was to be treated like this, you're glad you didn't waste any more of your life on someone who didn't care enough about you to treat you like he ought to have.
posted by resiny at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
And then, maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months, you'll look back and--I guarantee it--realize that, sucky though it was to be treated like this, you're glad you didn't waste any more of your life on someone who didn't care enough about you to treat you like he ought to have.
posted by resiny at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Christ, what an asshole. I'm sorry that you're hurting.
But you asked for advice, so here is some: Do not get back together with him. No matter what.
You're hurting, and if he wants to get back together, he will probably try to do it before you're over him. Don't. Do not!
This is the kind of crap that you'll need time and distance to appreciate for the crap it really is. When you do, you'll want to call him up just to thank him for breaking up with you. Do that, if you want, when the time comes. But do not, under any circumstances, get back together. Not now, not ever.
I know that your feelings were true, and so is your hurt. But I think you're going to be surprised by how soon you're going to start feeling good now that he's out of your life.
posted by mondaygreens at 1:27 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
But you asked for advice, so here is some: Do not get back together with him. No matter what.
You're hurting, and if he wants to get back together, he will probably try to do it before you're over him. Don't. Do not!
This is the kind of crap that you'll need time and distance to appreciate for the crap it really is. When you do, you'll want to call him up just to thank him for breaking up with you. Do that, if you want, when the time comes. But do not, under any circumstances, get back together. Not now, not ever.
I know that your feelings were true, and so is your hurt. But I think you're going to be surprised by how soon you're going to start feeling good now that he's out of your life.
posted by mondaygreens at 1:27 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're breaking up, on average, once every 35-46 days. Think about all the other things you probably do every month-- pay your rent, pay the light bill, clean the toilet, menstruate, whatever--and then calculate how much time you've slotted for "have breakup," every month.
Hopefully my statistical analysis has brought you a moment of clarity-- it's not worth the effort to maintain this kind of pattern.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
Hopefully my statistical analysis has brought you a moment of clarity-- it's not worth the effort to maintain this kind of pattern.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
There are always going to be people who don't bring out the best in us. I don't say this as a 'your to good for him' kind of statement although that certainly may be the case.
You say you are a confident and independent girl and those are great qualities both for you personally and to have in someone you are dating.... so if, for what-ever reason, you aren't that person in a relationship with this person then it's not the right fit for you. Sometimes recognizing that makes the transition out of the relationship a bit easier to handle.
So like Decathecting says.. it's just going to be time and not interacting with him (in my experience all the suggestions to remove contact with him are right on the mark). Knowing that you are going to be happier with yourself in a different type of relationship may help things along too.
Best of luck Simba... agreeing with good day merlock too..You can find someone else who appreciates and encourages all the great qualities that you have!
posted by Weaslegirl at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
You say you are a confident and independent girl and those are great qualities both for you personally and to have in someone you are dating.... so if, for what-ever reason, you aren't that person in a relationship with this person then it's not the right fit for you. Sometimes recognizing that makes the transition out of the relationship a bit easier to handle.
So like Decathecting says.. it's just going to be time and not interacting with him (in my experience all the suggestions to remove contact with him are right on the mark). Knowing that you are going to be happier with yourself in a different type of relationship may help things along too.
Best of luck Simba... agreeing with good day merlock too..You can find someone else who appreciates and encourages all the great qualities that you have!
posted by Weaslegirl at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Go back to being that confident and independent girl! You can find someone else who appreciates and encourages that.
100%. This sounds like absolutely no fun, and like a lot of work on your part. The relationships I've had that have begun with becoming insecure have never gone on to be happy ones (and I swear, that fight you're taking the blame for sounds like natural insecurity after being broken up with for someone else). You'll be fine and you'll move on, and I'm sorry that the bit in between will hurt.
posted by carbide at 1:41 PM on July 1, 2010
100%. This sounds like absolutely no fun, and like a lot of work on your part. The relationships I've had that have begun with becoming insecure have never gone on to be happy ones (and I swear, that fight you're taking the blame for sounds like natural insecurity after being broken up with for someone else). You'll be fine and you'll move on, and I'm sorry that the bit in between will hurt.
posted by carbide at 1:41 PM on July 1, 2010
Dramatic relationships can be fun. They are loud and exciting and if they are loud and exciting then they must be so much more meaningful and real than other relationships because... um... well, let's get back to that. Anyway, they are so dramatic and you are right in the middle of it.
At some point you realize that your relationship is "Transformers: The Movie" and despite all the noise and explosions and Megan Fox, that movie actually kinda sucked. The drama and the noise didn't make it important and meaningful, it just made it noisy and tiring. Good relationships are ones that you can enjoy. Good relationships are comfortable and predictable (and surprising in quiet and happy ways). Good relationships make you feel better about yourself (no joke: since getting married I feel taller and better looking, with a nicer smile and a more winning personality). That's why people often say that once they get a gf/bf they find all sorts of other people everywhere who are interested in them.
You have broken up 4-5 times in a six month period. This guy must have rolled 18 charisma on the D&D game of life. How nice for him. Move on and find someone who likes you enough to actually stay with you, thinks you are great, and makes you feel as great as they think you are.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:47 PM on July 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
At some point you realize that your relationship is "Transformers: The Movie" and despite all the noise and explosions and Megan Fox, that movie actually kinda sucked. The drama and the noise didn't make it important and meaningful, it just made it noisy and tiring. Good relationships are ones that you can enjoy. Good relationships are comfortable and predictable (and surprising in quiet and happy ways). Good relationships make you feel better about yourself (no joke: since getting married I feel taller and better looking, with a nicer smile and a more winning personality). That's why people often say that once they get a gf/bf they find all sorts of other people everywhere who are interested in them.
You have broken up 4-5 times in a six month period. This guy must have rolled 18 charisma on the D&D game of life. How nice for him. Move on and find someone who likes you enough to actually stay with you, thinks you are great, and makes you feel as great as they think you are.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:47 PM on July 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
I don't think this relationship is good for you. You seem to more-or-less blame yourself for everything that happened:
- "I was not really trying to start fight or anything and I was just curious"
- "I felt pretty terrible about that conversation and my stupid questions but I apologized... Do you think he broke up with me because of this?"
So, I'm wondering to myself, wow, does this poster have some sort of Fixer tendencies or something? Some childhood where she had to make everything okay when her parents were crazy or drunk or something? Then I got to the part where you say "I have to say that I am a confident and independent girl but I was feeling very insecure in this relationship," and I think "aha! it's one of those relationships!" One where the person you're dating is perpetually withdrawing supposedly because of something you did, and you're trying to prove you're not like that: you're not clingy, you're not nosy, you're not whatever. Well, you're not. And trying to make something work with someone who keeps pulling away for whatever reason is really exhausting, and it feels really bad. It ab-so-lute-ly sucks to have someone point at something you did and breakup over that as though it were all your fault, but it doesn't sound like you did anything bad; it seems like something that might not have come up in a stable relationship, or at least that a stable relationship would've survived. So, don't blame yourself! Keep right on going -- leave this relationship behind you and find one where your confident and independent self can shine.
posted by salvia at 2:10 PM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
- "I was not really trying to start fight or anything and I was just curious"
- "I felt pretty terrible about that conversation and my stupid questions but I apologized... Do you think he broke up with me because of this?"
So, I'm wondering to myself, wow, does this poster have some sort of Fixer tendencies or something? Some childhood where she had to make everything okay when her parents were crazy or drunk or something? Then I got to the part where you say "I have to say that I am a confident and independent girl but I was feeling very insecure in this relationship," and I think "aha! it's one of those relationships!" One where the person you're dating is perpetually withdrawing supposedly because of something you did, and you're trying to prove you're not like that: you're not clingy, you're not nosy, you're not whatever. Well, you're not. And trying to make something work with someone who keeps pulling away for whatever reason is really exhausting, and it feels really bad. It ab-so-lute-ly sucks to have someone point at something you did and breakup over that as though it were all your fault, but it doesn't sound like you did anything bad; it seems like something that might not have come up in a stable relationship, or at least that a stable relationship would've survived. So, don't blame yourself! Keep right on going -- leave this relationship behind you and find one where your confident and independent self can shine.
posted by salvia at 2:10 PM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
He's not an asshole, and you're not a victim. There's nothing "wrong" with him and there's nothing wrong with you. He didn't break up with you out of the blue, either: he broke up with you for perfectly rational reasons you just don't currently happen to be in the position to understand. If you were, you wouldn't be so surprised.
He obviously enjoys being around you enough to date you, but he doesn't want anything more than that: no moving forward, no marriage, no kids. That's why he keeps breaking up with you: he knows something you don't know, namely that you're not soul mates and you're not suited for the long-term. Friendship, obviously, and hanging out, dating even, but nothing more. AND THAT'S OKAY.
I used to assume that any relationship that ended was a failure. Now I realize that relationships never end, they just change. Even if you break up with a guy and never see him again, he's still in your head for the rest of your life, and if you loved him he's in your heart. Sometimes you break up with a guy and ten years later you realize that you weren't ever meant to be lovers, you're best friends. Sometimes you get dumped and find out years later that he broke up with you because you're not Jewish and he really couldn't bring a shiksa home to his father. Sometimes you talk to an old boyfriend and he tells you what you couldn't hear when you were dating: that you just wanted different things.
His breaking up with you was not about your basic value as a human being or your behavior or your insecurities, and you don't need to change anything about yourself. You're fine, just the way you are. Let it go, put down the grief and self-doubt and shock, take a deep breath, and go get some chocolate.
posted by goblinbox at 2:11 PM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
He obviously enjoys being around you enough to date you, but he doesn't want anything more than that: no moving forward, no marriage, no kids. That's why he keeps breaking up with you: he knows something you don't know, namely that you're not soul mates and you're not suited for the long-term. Friendship, obviously, and hanging out, dating even, but nothing more. AND THAT'S OKAY.
I used to assume that any relationship that ended was a failure. Now I realize that relationships never end, they just change. Even if you break up with a guy and never see him again, he's still in your head for the rest of your life, and if you loved him he's in your heart. Sometimes you break up with a guy and ten years later you realize that you weren't ever meant to be lovers, you're best friends. Sometimes you get dumped and find out years later that he broke up with you because you're not Jewish and he really couldn't bring a shiksa home to his father. Sometimes you talk to an old boyfriend and he tells you what you couldn't hear when you were dating: that you just wanted different things.
His breaking up with you was not about your basic value as a human being or your behavior or your insecurities, and you don't need to change anything about yourself. You're fine, just the way you are. Let it go, put down the grief and self-doubt and shock, take a deep breath, and go get some chocolate.
posted by goblinbox at 2:11 PM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
I had something very similar happen to me (with the gender roles reversed). I had almost the same reaction when she broke up with me: "How?, why? Things were going so well", etc. Then I went back and begged to be forgiven "I'll change, etc." She ended it several more times. We lasted about 6 more months after that. Then I went into therapy for 2 years to get back from feeling like a complete failure. Please do yourself a favor and completely cut him off. If you go back to him he'll just be passive agressive from being forced into something he doesn't want to do, and he'll treat you like dirt and dump you again. I know it hurts, I know it feels inexplicable, but it really isn't. Treat this as a gift. Love doesn't have to be this finicky or difficult.
posted by Omon Ra at 2:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Omon Ra at 2:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have been in your shoes. Or, similar ones, at least. You're going to be sad. You're going to be mad. It's hard not to play scenes out in your head over and over again. Try not, okay? Surround yourself with friends and try to concentrate on having fun together. Date casually, flirt, meet new people.
Soon, you will be mad that he wasted your time. Next, you'll be glad that he wasted less than one year, and you'll start to think more about the take-away lessons from this relationship, rather than being sad over the breakup.
After that, you'll meet someone who loves you. You'll wonder why you ever wanted to be with someone who "told me that he liked and cared about me" - you can have more than that. Believe me!
posted by Knowyournuts at 2:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Soon, you will be mad that he wasted your time. Next, you'll be glad that he wasted less than one year, and you'll start to think more about the take-away lessons from this relationship, rather than being sad over the breakup.
After that, you'll meet someone who loves you. You'll wonder why you ever wanted to be with someone who "told me that he liked and cared about me" - you can have more than that. Believe me!
posted by Knowyournuts at 2:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
all he could tell me was that he was not feeling it and he didn't think that we could be together long term.
I have to mention that he broke up with me 3 or 4 times before for basically nothing (except one time that he mentioned that someone else was in the picture)
Hey, in one respect, you're lucky. He was totally honest with you- he wasn't feeling it, never really was, and you had no long-term future together. He broke up with you often for small reasons and was interested in other people. Everything was not "going fine". It was never going to work; you didn't miss something and you didn't fail to save the relationship. It was never going anywhere.
posted by spaltavian at 2:21 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have to mention that he broke up with me 3 or 4 times before for basically nothing (except one time that he mentioned that someone else was in the picture)
Hey, in one respect, you're lucky. He was totally honest with you- he wasn't feeling it, never really was, and you had no long-term future together. He broke up with you often for small reasons and was interested in other people. Everything was not "going fine". It was never going to work; you didn't miss something and you didn't fail to save the relationship. It was never going anywhere.
posted by spaltavian at 2:21 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
A relationship that makes you go from a "confident and independent girl" to someone who is insecure sounds like a relationship that you are well rid of.
I was in a relationship like the one you describe here. Except instead of six months, it was two years. For the first few months he treated me like a queen. After that? He would break up with me impulsively and for silly reasons, over and over again, and somehow I kept coming back for more. I even endured long periods of time where we were "broken up" but still acted like a couple in every way except... well, we weren't (as he would remind me if I asked too much of him). And the fact that we weren't technically "together" didn't stop him from breaking up with me anyway.
Finally, after two years, I managed to end it. And it was the best thing I've ever done. Except I'm angry at myself for letting it go on for so long. I wish I could go back and end things for good after 6 months. You have that chance. Take it. Don't be me.
posted by couch fort dinner party at 2:32 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was in a relationship like the one you describe here. Except instead of six months, it was two years. For the first few months he treated me like a queen. After that? He would break up with me impulsively and for silly reasons, over and over again, and somehow I kept coming back for more. I even endured long periods of time where we were "broken up" but still acted like a couple in every way except... well, we weren't (as he would remind me if I asked too much of him). And the fact that we weren't technically "together" didn't stop him from breaking up with me anyway.
Finally, after two years, I managed to end it. And it was the best thing I've ever done. Except I'm angry at myself for letting it go on for so long. I wish I could go back and end things for good after 6 months. You have that chance. Take it. Don't be me.
posted by couch fort dinner party at 2:32 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
So what's this guy bringing to the party? Is he super-good-looking? Is he falling off his wallet? Doesn't sound like he was Mr. Listener, Mr. Love and Compassion or whatever, he sounds like a regular shmoe, or worse. Where does he fit you so well, that you're willing to play all these games? Might want to find this out, so as to avoid these gyrations in the future...
And for today, what do you do to ease through this? Lots of people upthread have it -- time. Time. It'll hurt less soon enough. I'm sorry that you're coming into this weekend alone, go and see a good flick with a good friend, take care of you, gentle to yourself these next days.
Wherever you are, I wish you peace.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:08 PM on July 1, 2010
And for today, what do you do to ease through this? Lots of people upthread have it -- time. Time. It'll hurt less soon enough. I'm sorry that you're coming into this weekend alone, go and see a good flick with a good friend, take care of you, gentle to yourself these next days.
Wherever you are, I wish you peace.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:08 PM on July 1, 2010
« Older Help me get a great start to my Masters. | Can a screw in Polyfilla Plug It ever be removed? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 1:06 PM on July 1, 2010 [3 favorites]