Maintaining a relationship with someone in a 3d world country with intermittent internet and a 7-hour time difference
June 16, 2010 12:34 PM Subscribe
longdistancerelationshipfilter: My girlfriend has been living in Africa for the past month for an internship, and will be there until winter. I'm super excited for her, and she's enjoying herself a lot, but I feel like our communications are fairly one-sided. Details inside
We have fairly steady communication in terms of email and travel photos and the like, but talking face-to-face is difficult because of both time difference and the fact that the internet speed there makes Skype completely undependable. Furthermore, I'm taking a full course-load in summer school, so my life is fairly boring to everyone except me. A lot of our communication is her telling amazing stories about her travels, and me listening. I feel like I don't have anything particularly interesting to say, and I feel like I've sent her variations on the "Glad to hear you're having a great time, hope you're staying safe. Everything's fine here. Miss you and talk to you soon" message a dozen times.' After reading over a few of our last email interactions, I realize that I come off as distant.
Despite the fact that she absolutely loves her work, I get the impression that she sometimes feels fairly isolated from her friends and family in the US (though she would never admit this to anyone), and I don't think I'm helping matters by not being more communicative.
I guess I'm asking for some ways to make my communication to her more personal and interesting. I'm open to any and all suggestions short of flying to Africa.
Thoughts?
We have fairly steady communication in terms of email and travel photos and the like, but talking face-to-face is difficult because of both time difference and the fact that the internet speed there makes Skype completely undependable. Furthermore, I'm taking a full course-load in summer school, so my life is fairly boring to everyone except me. A lot of our communication is her telling amazing stories about her travels, and me listening. I feel like I don't have anything particularly interesting to say, and I feel like I've sent her variations on the "Glad to hear you're having a great time, hope you're staying safe. Everything's fine here. Miss you and talk to you soon" message a dozen times.' After reading over a few of our last email interactions, I realize that I come off as distant.
Despite the fact that she absolutely loves her work, I get the impression that she sometimes feels fairly isolated from her friends and family in the US (though she would never admit this to anyone), and I don't think I'm helping matters by not being more communicative.
I guess I'm asking for some ways to make my communication to her more personal and interesting. I'm open to any and all suggestions short of flying to Africa.
Thoughts?
Play some sort of turn based game via text message, either something traditional like tic-tac-toe, chess, etc or maybe take turns writing 140 character long chapters in a serial novel about the adventures of a stowaway mouse. Or send each other encrypted messages using a made up code.
I have the same problems with long-distance communication and my solution has always been to add some framework so you just aren't just being repetitive "I miss you. I love you." back and forth.
posted by ChrisHartley at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have the same problems with long-distance communication and my solution has always been to add some framework so you just aren't just being repetitive "I miss you. I love you." back and forth.
posted by ChrisHartley at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
There has GOT to be a nutjob in one of your classes whose continuing antics will make for an entertaining thread of a story to keep up all summer. Which is sort-of like a serialized novel, but with more trainwreckyness. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:43 PM on June 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:43 PM on June 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
She's excited and wants to share her experiences with you, and that's great. But it might help reduce your feelings of one-sidedness if you remember that not all conversations need to be updates on your life. What do you talk about when you are in the same place? Talk about those things too.
I came in to say exactly this. If nothing springs to mind, you can at least ask her questions about her adventures in Africa, and allow those questions to lead into conversation.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:46 PM on June 16, 2010
I came in to say exactly this. If nothing springs to mind, you can at least ask her questions about her adventures in Africa, and allow those questions to lead into conversation.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:46 PM on June 16, 2010
Just because your experiences seem more boring than hers doesn’t mean you can’t talk about them. Tell her about the things you would normally talk about if she were home with you - “I heard this great band today” “yep, Sam is still kind of a dick” “I tried to give myself a haircut like you give me . . . it failed, see exhibits a and b”.
As you write mundane emails and have conversations with her, think about it for a second. You are living on separate continents, across the ocean, and you have the ability to keep the conversation between you two nearly constant. This is a remarkable thing! Not every single piece of your correspondence has to be grand declarations of love and loneliness, or simple nodding along to her awesome stories.
posted by Think_Long at 12:47 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
As you write mundane emails and have conversations with her, think about it for a second. You are living on separate continents, across the ocean, and you have the ability to keep the conversation between you two nearly constant. This is a remarkable thing! Not every single piece of your correspondence has to be grand declarations of love and loneliness, or simple nodding along to her awesome stories.
posted by Think_Long at 12:47 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Include specific stories about your mutual friends, family members she might have met, etc. "Dave finally got himself a girlfriend!"
Or tell her about interesting things that are happening locally (in CA, we just had elections.) It might help her feel more connected to you as well as the States, especially if she doesn't have regular internet access. "Can you believe Meg Whitman won the primary?"
Finally, even though you're not in an exotic place doing exotic things, maybe send her some pictures. Of your pet, of yourself, of her friends. Or record videos for her. Having something visual might help, too.
posted by too bad you're not me at 12:47 PM on June 16, 2010
Or tell her about interesting things that are happening locally (in CA, we just had elections.) It might help her feel more connected to you as well as the States, especially if she doesn't have regular internet access. "Can you believe Meg Whitman won the primary?"
Finally, even though you're not in an exotic place doing exotic things, maybe send her some pictures. Of your pet, of yourself, of her friends. Or record videos for her. Having something visual might help, too.
posted by too bad you're not me at 12:47 PM on June 16, 2010
Mebbee read good books, tell her about them. Go to museum exhibits, tell her about them.
posted by angrycat at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by angrycat at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know there can be a lot of pressure to be as entertaining as she is, but don't succumb to it. Think of it from her point of view: her whole life is crazy right now, she probably just wants to hear about the nice, normal things you do that she is homesick for. You don't need to entertain her with crazy stories. You need to be that voice for the normal life she is missing, even if it seems boring to you.
Just tell her what you're doing. Even (especially) if it's boring. Talk about what TV show you've been watching or book you've been reading. Talk about those annoying people in class. Talk about whatever you'd talk about normally.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2010
Just tell her what you're doing. Even (especially) if it's boring. Talk about what TV show you've been watching or book you've been reading. Talk about those annoying people in class. Talk about whatever you'd talk about normally.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2010
Understand that this is completely normal. I'll cut and paste my advice from another thread and add a bit for your situation specifically:
In my experience observing two couples in your exact situation, talking every day caused them to grow farther apart. Doing so emphasized the differences in their day-to-day experiences; awareness of those differences created distance between them, which made it hard for them to relate to each other. It's especially hard for you because your life has carried on as normal and hers hasn't. Just listen to her when she wants to tell you something. You don't need to do much of anything beyond that. It might seem like you're not doing anything, but you are--by letting her share her experiences. Don't force yourself to talk just for the sake of talking. That goes for her, too. Most of all, remember that it'll be only a few more months until she's back.
posted by smorange at 12:49 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my experience observing two couples in your exact situation, talking every day caused them to grow farther apart. Doing so emphasized the differences in their day-to-day experiences; awareness of those differences created distance between them, which made it hard for them to relate to each other. It's especially hard for you because your life has carried on as normal and hers hasn't. Just listen to her when she wants to tell you something. You don't need to do much of anything beyond that. It might seem like you're not doing anything, but you are--by letting her share her experiences. Don't force yourself to talk just for the sake of talking. That goes for her, too. Most of all, remember that it'll be only a few more months until she's back.
posted by smorange at 12:49 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
The most obvious answer is to just ask her about how she's adjusting, what her general mood is like, etc.
If she's in her 20s and this is one of her first big adventures abroad, she might be just vary caught up in adjusting to her new surroundings and you guys may not have enough common daily touch-stones to make normal conversation.
Several care packages and kind words may just have to suffice until she gets home. A youtube care package might be nice, with greetings from her friends and family, footage of some of her favourite hangouts.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:55 PM on June 16, 2010
If she's in her 20s and this is one of her first big adventures abroad, she might be just vary caught up in adjusting to her new surroundings and you guys may not have enough common daily touch-stones to make normal conversation.
Several care packages and kind words may just have to suffice until she gets home. A youtube care package might be nice, with greetings from her friends and family, footage of some of her favourite hangouts.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:55 PM on June 16, 2010
I sometimes end up talking to people who seem much more interesting than I am. What often works for me is just finding something specific in what they're talking about that I think is particularly interesting, and asking questions about it. Then it's a less one-sided conversation - I'm contributing some interest and enthusiasm rather than just sitting listening to a monologue, and they're not solely responsible for deciding what to talk about.
posted by emilyw at 1:04 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by emilyw at 1:04 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please make an attempt to fill in the details of your day. They mean so much more to someone far away than they do to you. When you write her, tell her what classes you went to and what you did for lunch, that you went to the grocery store on the way home, that you're meeting Bill & Christine for dinner and thought you might try that new sushi place.
Relationships are built - and maintained - on the mundane and every day as much as the bold and the beautiful. And, really, so much more on the mundane.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:33 PM on June 16, 2010
Relationships are built - and maintained - on the mundane and every day as much as the bold and the beautiful. And, really, so much more on the mundane.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:33 PM on June 16, 2010
Take up the practice of writing love letters. Tell her about the mundane events of your day and your thoughts. Reflect on things she has told you. Read great letters written by others as inspiration.
posted by zia at 1:34 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zia at 1:34 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
As others have said, it's normal to feel some shifting in the relationship when living apart. I think the best thing you can do is take it in stride and not worry about it too much.
I've been living abroad for the past two years and in an effort to stimulate conversation my boyfriend and I agreed to try to exchange reading/viewing material on a regular basis. The idea was that every week we would each get to choose an article to read (or a movie to watch). Once we both finished we would try to talk about it.
I know she has intermittent access to email but I still think this could work.
posted by anonymous78 at 1:47 PM on June 16, 2010
I've been living abroad for the past two years and in an effort to stimulate conversation my boyfriend and I agreed to try to exchange reading/viewing material on a regular basis. The idea was that every week we would each get to choose an article to read (or a movie to watch). Once we both finished we would try to talk about it.
I know she has intermittent access to email but I still think this could work.
posted by anonymous78 at 1:47 PM on June 16, 2010
Best answer: Take pictures of random things and send them along with a message on why you picked that thing. She'll look forward to seeing what the picture of the day is and why - it could be your classroom, a tree you like, your breakfast. Mix in the familiar and the not-so-familiar.
posted by Sukey Says at 1:51 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Sukey Says at 1:51 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ask her what books and articles about the country in Africa where she is working that you can read to learn more about its history, the culture, the customs, etc. Then you won't just be trading stories about your separate lives during correspondence, you'll be able to ask her much better questions about her experience there and offer some interesting anecdotes from what you are reading.
posted by jeanmari at 1:55 PM on June 16, 2010
posted by jeanmari at 1:55 PM on June 16, 2010
I'm in a long distance relationship (granted, not as long distance as yours currently is, but there's distance just the same), and sometimes I feel the pressure to make each conversation meaningful and powerful. In reality, we have a lot of dull conversations. The pressure I put on myself makes it harder for me to fully relax, which makes me more anxious, etc, etc. My advice is just to talk and listen and not build each conversation up to be some monumental part of the relationship. But I totally agree with heyforfour about bringing up random topics. We talk a lot about our childhoods--the tv shows that we watched, what we did in school, our families, stuff like that. Talking about this kind of thing might make her feel more connected to her family as well.
posted by Junie Bloom at 2:26 PM on June 16, 2010
posted by Junie Bloom at 2:26 PM on June 16, 2010
When I studied abroad, I wrote home to a lot of people, but almost nobody wrote to me, which was very disappointing. When I got home and asked why, everybody said "I couldn't think of anything interesting to write."
I am in a country foreign to me! Everything is new and interesting to me! I am suffering from interest overload! I don't WANT interesting! No matter how great a time I am having here, I am still HOMESICK and I want BORING! Give me the tedious details of your everyday life! Tell me about the silly thing the cat did! Fill me in on the dull things our mutual friends are up to! Tell me about the TV program you watched!
Bonus points if you can dig up witty commentary on it all but, really, it's not necessary. I cried several times while I was gone because nobody wrote to me, which made me feel lonely and unliked, while the other students in the program had much more frequent contact from home.
posted by telophase at 2:59 PM on June 16, 2010
I am in a country foreign to me! Everything is new and interesting to me! I am suffering from interest overload! I don't WANT interesting! No matter how great a time I am having here, I am still HOMESICK and I want BORING! Give me the tedious details of your everyday life! Tell me about the silly thing the cat did! Fill me in on the dull things our mutual friends are up to! Tell me about the TV program you watched!
Bonus points if you can dig up witty commentary on it all but, really, it's not necessary. I cried several times while I was gone because nobody wrote to me, which made me feel lonely and unliked, while the other students in the program had much more frequent contact from home.
posted by telophase at 2:59 PM on June 16, 2010
Nthing random topics. Over the weekend I called my long-distance boyfriend about how stuck I was in a battle with a big boss in the Zelda game I'm currently working my way through. We somehow eventually transitioned to favorite Thanksgiving side dishes. That conversation was an 'improvement' on the one we'd had a night or two previously, which centered around our respective days at work.
I try to make note of the quirky little things that happen throughout the day: the ducks I see while on my way home from work, the continuing antics of my least-favorite customer at work, the pink Himalayan sea salt I bought at the grocery store.
posted by alynnk at 3:44 PM on June 16, 2010
I try to make note of the quirky little things that happen throughout the day: the ducks I see while on my way home from work, the continuing antics of my least-favorite customer at work, the pink Himalayan sea salt I bought at the grocery store.
posted by alynnk at 3:44 PM on June 16, 2010
When I was living/traveling in Asia, I loved hearing about life back at home. I had some friends who would send me emails (this was before google chat) about the random stuff that was going on, gossip about people we knew, local news, etc and I really appreciated it. Emails don't have to be exciting and eventful to be valuable.
Take pictures of random things and send them along with a message on why you picked that thing. She'll look forward to seeing what the picture of the day is and why - it could be your classroom, a tree you like, your breakfast. Mix in the familiar and the not-so-familiar.
This is a great idea! I bet she'd love it. You could also keep a log of things you think she might like to hear about. Every time something happens that makes you think of her, make a note of it and include it in your next email.
You could also write her love letters, all old-fashioned-like. Talk about all the things you miss and love about her. Not every day, but every once in a while.
posted by lunasol at 6:20 PM on June 16, 2010
Take pictures of random things and send them along with a message on why you picked that thing. She'll look forward to seeing what the picture of the day is and why - it could be your classroom, a tree you like, your breakfast. Mix in the familiar and the not-so-familiar.
This is a great idea! I bet she'd love it. You could also keep a log of things you think she might like to hear about. Every time something happens that makes you think of her, make a note of it and include it in your next email.
You could also write her love letters, all old-fashioned-like. Talk about all the things you miss and love about her. Not every day, but every once in a while.
posted by lunasol at 6:20 PM on June 16, 2010
Hey, I did that! I eventually moved there, which you specifically excluded, but that took me six months to arrange. I know exactly how you feel, that your stories aren't as good, but I doubt she feels the same way. It's not a competition, and furthermore, what seems boring to you is a reminder of home to her. I did a lot of what has been suggested in this thread. Another thing we did that made the time difference work for us is that I called her each night (her morning) to wake her up. (Instead of her setting an alarm.) Just a quick 1 or 2 minute call to her cell phone to say good morning.
posted by Nothing at 9:24 PM on June 16, 2010
posted by Nothing at 9:24 PM on June 16, 2010
My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship (only 8 hours away) for about a year. When we can't visit, we talk before going to sleep and just check in about our days. We both lead really different lives (he's in the military, I do childcare) and we don't always have a ton to say to each other because not every day is packed with conversation-worthy material. But even when we're talking about boring stuff I feel closer to him. I like knowing the little things that go on in his day, and even if we're not talking about anything objectively interesting, it's interesting to me because I'm interested in him. You may think that your classes are boring compared to your girlfriend's internship, but she loves you and wants to hear about your life the same way you want to hear about hers.
In addition to our nightly talks, we play a few online turn-based games together (great advice, ChrisHartley) and we send facebook messages with interesting links and "thinking of you" notes. It's also helpful to remind yourself that this won't last forever.
posted by easy_being_green at 11:04 PM on June 16, 2010
In addition to our nightly talks, we play a few online turn-based games together (great advice, ChrisHartley) and we send facebook messages with interesting links and "thinking of you" notes. It's also helpful to remind yourself that this won't last forever.
posted by easy_being_green at 11:04 PM on June 16, 2010
Best answer: My long distance relationship just became live in. She lived in Colombia while I lived in Nashville TN. Here are a few things that helped us:
1) Use postcard.fm. My fiance and I had a lot of fun with this site. I know it may be hard for her to upload a song and a picture, but you can do it for her. It doesn't always have to be romantic either (but do a lot of those). Make silly ones to make her laugh or ones that use pictures of places that are important to the two of you. It's a fun tool.
2) When she has a steady internet connection, do an online date. For our 1 year anniversary we each found a way to have an italian meal and some wine. We setup Google Video Chat (which we found was a lot more reliable in low bandwidth situations) and put our computers on a dining room table. We each were dressed up and had a romantic meal. It was really fun.
3) Send her music. Just random songs you like. She'll appreciate the gesture. I used mediafire.com a lot.
4) Send her lots of links she may find interesting. She won't read them all the time, but when she does have a few minutes she'll appreciate it. If your lady is like mine, she isn't going to hunt out the best of the web every day. Show her some fun stuff.
5) Send her short emails all day. My iPhone was always sending something. Most of them were fairly boring, but you are just finding a way to say that you are thinking of her without saying "I'm just thinking about you."
6) Talk dirty. It's fun. You are both probably thinking dirty stuff and you need to include it in your lives.
Also, the biggest mistake I made:
Don't criticize anything she sends you. My girl sent a few songs I didn't really like. Instead of finding a way to say something positive, I decided to give her some sort of critical opinion of the songs. Whatever she is sending you, just appreciate the gesture.
posted by aburd at 6:51 PM on June 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Use postcard.fm. My fiance and I had a lot of fun with this site. I know it may be hard for her to upload a song and a picture, but you can do it for her. It doesn't always have to be romantic either (but do a lot of those). Make silly ones to make her laugh or ones that use pictures of places that are important to the two of you. It's a fun tool.
2) When she has a steady internet connection, do an online date. For our 1 year anniversary we each found a way to have an italian meal and some wine. We setup Google Video Chat (which we found was a lot more reliable in low bandwidth situations) and put our computers on a dining room table. We each were dressed up and had a romantic meal. It was really fun.
3) Send her music. Just random songs you like. She'll appreciate the gesture. I used mediafire.com a lot.
4) Send her lots of links she may find interesting. She won't read them all the time, but when she does have a few minutes she'll appreciate it. If your lady is like mine, she isn't going to hunt out the best of the web every day. Show her some fun stuff.
5) Send her short emails all day. My iPhone was always sending something. Most of them were fairly boring, but you are just finding a way to say that you are thinking of her without saying "I'm just thinking about you."
6) Talk dirty. It's fun. You are both probably thinking dirty stuff and you need to include it in your lives.
Also, the biggest mistake I made:
Don't criticize anything she sends you. My girl sent a few songs I didn't really like. Instead of finding a way to say something positive, I decided to give her some sort of critical opinion of the songs. Whatever she is sending you, just appreciate the gesture.
posted by aburd at 6:51 PM on June 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
She's excited and wants to share her experiences with you, and that's great. But it might help reduce your feelings of one-sidedness if you remember that not all conversations need to be updates on your life. What do you talk about when you are in the same place? Talk about those things too.
posted by heyforfour at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2010 [11 favorites]