Depression wrecked my relationship. Now what?
June 10, 2010 2:28 PM Subscribe
Can depression wreck a relationship, and convince you that you don't love someone?
Here's my question. I'm in a right pickle with the girl I once loved and broke up with in January after 7 years. Why? I couldn't see a future. I couldn't see the wedding day. Everything just seemed black and pointless, and I didn't want to lead her on.
I was actually extremely depressed at the time, and am wondering now whether that was the reason why I ended it so dramatically.
Eitherway, we met up over the weekend after which I realised I do love being with her, but in my current state I can't offer her anything more than companionship. She said, understandably, she wanted love and passion and that all this was a waste of time...
(I should also mention that we ended the relationship again this weekend).
Realising that this is an inherent issue in my life, I now know that I might have made a big mistake. I've rejected someone who truly loved me for who I was. And my depression has made it nigh impossible to win her back without going around in circles?
My question: Can depression wreck a relationship, and convince you that you don't love someone? Or is this just a reaction to the reality that I don't really love her? Is it worth returning one more time to try and explain this to her?
(PS - Please go easy on me! I know I'm being self-absorbed)
Here's my question. I'm in a right pickle with the girl I once loved and broke up with in January after 7 years. Why? I couldn't see a future. I couldn't see the wedding day. Everything just seemed black and pointless, and I didn't want to lead her on.
I was actually extremely depressed at the time, and am wondering now whether that was the reason why I ended it so dramatically.
Eitherway, we met up over the weekend after which I realised I do love being with her, but in my current state I can't offer her anything more than companionship. She said, understandably, she wanted love and passion and that all this was a waste of time...
(I should also mention that we ended the relationship again this weekend).
Realising that this is an inherent issue in my life, I now know that I might have made a big mistake. I've rejected someone who truly loved me for who I was. And my depression has made it nigh impossible to win her back without going around in circles?
My question: Can depression wreck a relationship, and convince you that you don't love someone? Or is this just a reaction to the reality that I don't really love her? Is it worth returning one more time to try and explain this to her?
(PS - Please go easy on me! I know I'm being self-absorbed)
Yes, depression can wreck a relationship. I don't know if it can warp reality, though. Whether you really love her is a matter that is much too deep for strangers on the internet.
Depression can wreck lots of things in your life. Please see a therapist, because life does not have to be like this.
posted by motsque at 2:37 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Depression can wreck lots of things in your life. Please see a therapist, because life does not have to be like this.
posted by motsque at 2:37 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Depression can make you feel unworthy of love and happiness, for sure.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 2:39 PM on June 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 2:39 PM on June 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
Depression can make you believe all kinds of terrible things - that your friends/family don't care about you, that things you (used to) enjoy are useless, etc. So, yes, depression can do this.
You ask variations on the same question a lot. Are you currently in treatment (talk/meds/both) for your depression?
posted by rtha at 2:40 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
You ask variations on the same question a lot. Are you currently in treatment (talk/meds/both) for your depression?
posted by rtha at 2:40 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Steps:
1. Work on depression issues and mental stability.
2. Attempt relationships.
Since you're not in a relationship currently that you need to hold together, you can hold off on #2 until you've addressed #1. This is a luxury to be embraced. Seek professional help if you can, otherwise start thinking about what is bothering you and work on your health/diet/exercise/hobbies.
posted by mikeh at 2:46 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
1. Work on depression issues and mental stability.
2. Attempt relationships.
Since you're not in a relationship currently that you need to hold together, you can hold off on #2 until you've addressed #1. This is a luxury to be embraced. Seek professional help if you can, otherwise start thinking about what is bothering you and work on your health/diet/exercise/hobbies.
posted by mikeh at 2:46 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
And my depression has made it nigh impossible to win her back without going around in circles?
As others have said, yes depression can skew your perceptions in relationships. So don't go around in circles to try to win her back. She has stated that she wants something different than what you have to offer. Respect that. Focus your energy on the root problem (your depression) rather than on a symptom of it (your relationship with this girl). Good luck.
posted by headnsouth at 3:07 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
As others have said, yes depression can skew your perceptions in relationships. So don't go around in circles to try to win her back. She has stated that she wants something different than what you have to offer. Respect that. Focus your energy on the root problem (your depression) rather than on a symptom of it (your relationship with this girl). Good luck.
posted by headnsouth at 3:07 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can depression wreck a relationship, and convince you that you don't love someone?
Yep.
posted by davejay at 3:14 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yep.
posted by davejay at 3:14 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Depression can, but so can just not being into her enough or any other reason. I don't think you should look at depression as the definite cause unless you find it happening repeatedly with many partners.
People often break up because "they are just not feeling it" or suddenly have a strange feeling things are not right or a myriad of other reasons hard to capture and that can be unrelated to depression. Not being able to see the future might indicate that you fear commitment with her, with anyone, or maybe you just find it hard to picture futures but are perfectly okay when they happen. Love is fickle and crazy and trying to understand it is often not constructive.
I also don't think there is anything to gain by meeting with her and trying to explain again. She wants something you cannot currently offer, that's it.
posted by meepmeow at 3:28 PM on June 10, 2010
People often break up because "they are just not feeling it" or suddenly have a strange feeling things are not right or a myriad of other reasons hard to capture and that can be unrelated to depression. Not being able to see the future might indicate that you fear commitment with her, with anyone, or maybe you just find it hard to picture futures but are perfectly okay when they happen. Love is fickle and crazy and trying to understand it is often not constructive.
I also don't think there is anything to gain by meeting with her and trying to explain again. She wants something you cannot currently offer, that's it.
posted by meepmeow at 3:28 PM on June 10, 2010
Anecdote: Thoughts about my marriage during mild depression, for me, equals "I don't understand how he could possibly love me." More serious depression equals "He must be a seriously deficient human being in every way from intelligence to eyesight to morality and beyond for wanting to have anything to do with me."
posted by ferociouskitty at 3:33 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ferociouskitty at 3:33 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: AskMetafilter cannot solve this problem for you.
Your past questions indicate that you are just going in circles on this issue.
The way forward is to find other things to fill your life with. Hobbies, new people, volunteering, hiking, athletics, something that takes you out of your own head. You can't solve this problem by thinking about it more.
The past is past. If your former girlfriend says it's over, accept that. You will need to choose other things for your new life. It can be a great, interesting life with good friendships and fulfilling loving relationships. There are many fish in the sea. But to begin that new life you need to stop working on "what would I have done if I had a time machine?" You don't have a time machine. It's okay. The future can be good anyway.
You've said before that you are in therapy. If you feel like the therapy isn't helping, you should consider finding a different therapist or one who uses a different method (cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT is often recommended here). The point of therapy should be to help you stop this "going in circles" and start thinking about how you can move forward.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:36 PM on June 10, 2010 [17 favorites]
Your past questions indicate that you are just going in circles on this issue.
The way forward is to find other things to fill your life with. Hobbies, new people, volunteering, hiking, athletics, something that takes you out of your own head. You can't solve this problem by thinking about it more.
The past is past. If your former girlfriend says it's over, accept that. You will need to choose other things for your new life. It can be a great, interesting life with good friendships and fulfilling loving relationships. There are many fish in the sea. But to begin that new life you need to stop working on "what would I have done if I had a time machine?" You don't have a time machine. It's okay. The future can be good anyway.
You've said before that you are in therapy. If you feel like the therapy isn't helping, you should consider finding a different therapist or one who uses a different method (cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT is often recommended here). The point of therapy should be to help you stop this "going in circles" and start thinking about how you can move forward.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:36 PM on June 10, 2010 [17 favorites]
You mention that the depression might be why you ended it so dramatically. Anecodotally, I am much more inclined to be dramatic when I'm in a depression.
Keep in mind that the therapy and medication you're doing is something that will help you with this, but it's something that will help you in every other aspect of your life as well. You aren't just working to get better because of her, or because of love in general.
Sorry this is so general. I mostly just want to offer you a hug.
posted by NoraReed at 3:44 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind that the therapy and medication you're doing is something that will help you with this, but it's something that will help you in every other aspect of your life as well. You aren't just working to get better because of her, or because of love in general.
Sorry this is so general. I mostly just want to offer you a hug.
posted by NoraReed at 3:44 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
As someone who has battled depression since my teens, all I can say is to take care of you first. Go to counseling. Talk to a psychiatrist about your symptoms. You need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Take this as a learning experience. Write your feelings down. Be open about your depression. It helped me to talk to family about it and I found out other members in my family also have depression. We have learned to lean on eachother when times are bad.
You broke up for a reason. Take some time out to help yourself. Then maybe a few years down the road you feel like you can offer her what she wants, see if she is willing. If she loves you, she will give you time.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 3:49 PM on June 10, 2010
You broke up for a reason. Take some time out to help yourself. Then maybe a few years down the road you feel like you can offer her what she wants, see if she is willing. If she loves you, she will give you time.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 3:49 PM on June 10, 2010
I don't know if it can warp reality, though.
It's not so much that it warps reality, but that it changes your reality. It's not that the love is hidden or anything like that, it's that in those moments of depression, you don't love them. But if you weren't depressed, or were getting treatment, the love would still be there.
(On the other hand, relationships can trigger depression as well. That uneasy, this is probably going to end soon feeling comes up sooner and rather than work on issues, the emotional freedom of saying "fuck it" becomes unstoppable.)
posted by gjc at 3:50 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's not so much that it warps reality, but that it changes your reality. It's not that the love is hidden or anything like that, it's that in those moments of depression, you don't love them. But if you weren't depressed, or were getting treatment, the love would still be there.
(On the other hand, relationships can trigger depression as well. That uneasy, this is probably going to end soon feeling comes up sooner and rather than work on issues, the emotional freedom of saying "fuck it" becomes unstoppable.)
posted by gjc at 3:50 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Absolutely. Depression can make you feel so worthless that you feel like you either don't deserve to be loved, or that the relationship is so poisoned that it's not worth your time. I've been dealing with depression for years, and it's screwed with my perceptions of reality and love more often than I'd care to mention. Best of luck getting it all sorted out and getting the fog cleared.
posted by SNWidget at 5:11 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by SNWidget at 5:11 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yep. And depression can also make the other person not love you anymore, either. My depression cost me the only man I ever loved; I drove him away with my depression and it has killed me. It's too late for me, but you should get therapy before embarking on another relationship. Best of luck.
posted by The otter lady at 6:37 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by The otter lady at 6:37 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I once read that depression causes divorce as much as divorce causes depression.
posted by TorontoSandy at 8:32 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by TorontoSandy at 8:32 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Depression can ruin just about anything, including meaningful, loving relationships. The whys and the hows will vary from situation to situation, but just as any illness or crisis can undermine and destroy relationships, so can depression. This does not mean, however, you will never be capable of a lasting intimate relationship. It just means that the better you manage your depression, the easier and more prone to success your relationships with others can be.
No one here can say what your true feelings for this specific person are, but getting your own head straight, feeling good about yourself, and controlling your depression instead of letting your depression control you will make a huge difference. If you're not in some form of therapy, give that a shot, & if you're not on medication, consider whether that might be a good choice for you in consultation with a psychiatrist. As simplistic as it may sound, making sure you are getting proper sleep, nutrition, & exercise will also determine to a large extent how much of a negative impact your depression may have on your life.
Depression is an illness, and it takes a lot of time and effort to minimize its influence on your day to day. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. As much as you may want to solve this relationship, you probably have to put it on the back burner and focus on you. If this is truly the partnership for you, it will be there when you are truly ready for it, and if it isn't, well, that effort will put you in the best possible position to be open to and capable of the relationship that is. Best of luck.
posted by katemcd at 9:24 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
No one here can say what your true feelings for this specific person are, but getting your own head straight, feeling good about yourself, and controlling your depression instead of letting your depression control you will make a huge difference. If you're not in some form of therapy, give that a shot, & if you're not on medication, consider whether that might be a good choice for you in consultation with a psychiatrist. As simplistic as it may sound, making sure you are getting proper sleep, nutrition, & exercise will also determine to a large extent how much of a negative impact your depression may have on your life.
Depression is an illness, and it takes a lot of time and effort to minimize its influence on your day to day. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. As much as you may want to solve this relationship, you probably have to put it on the back burner and focus on you. If this is truly the partnership for you, it will be there when you are truly ready for it, and if it isn't, well, that effort will put you in the best possible position to be open to and capable of the relationship that is. Best of luck.
posted by katemcd at 9:24 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my experience, yes! I was incapable for feeling love for my current boyfriend (or anybody) when I was experiencing major depression.
But fast forward several years and my healthy brain fell in love with him!
Helen Fisher (a biological anthropologist who studies the brain in love) has some interesting theories on this. Are you taking SSRIs by any chance?
Here is one related idea.
posted by KLF at 10:11 PM on June 10, 2010
But fast forward several years and my healthy brain fell in love with him!
Helen Fisher (a biological anthropologist who studies the brain in love) has some interesting theories on this. Are you taking SSRIs by any chance?
Here is one related idea.
posted by KLF at 10:11 PM on June 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
you've already stated that you aren't at the point where you can be in a fully loving and passionate relationship. you've admitted to being selfish - but imagine this from her side - what does she get out of being with you? if you had brought this up during the relationship, my answer would be different - but you broke up a 7 year relationship and are now sort of leading her on even if you don't mean to.
let her go. get yourself healthy. find someone new and be upfront about your depression.
posted by nadawi at 2:36 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]