What is it with this guy...is he just a rare cheesy bird or am I getting blown off politely?
June 8, 2010 8:08 AM   Subscribe

I've been jaded by silly boys these past few years and am wondering if I am misunderstanding a current flirtation with an old friend. At first, I questioned if his request to meet up was just a platonic get together, but after a few weeks of texting, it's obvious he is definitely flirting. My question is, if he was interested, why hasn't he asked me out by now? And if he isn't interested, what is with the odd texts that seem too cheesy to be sincere?

So an old school mate of mine found me through Facebook and we've been chatting on and off for the past two months. A month ago, he finally gave me his phone number (via post on my wall) and asked me to call him some weekend to hang out. I texted him my number and he reiterated that he wanted to meet up and even set a specific place and activity to do when we do meet. That was a little over three weeks ago. Throughout this time, I have been the one to initiate the texts, but he has always replied and still comments on my Facebook. He has, however, not made any effort to set a time to meet. I finally got the courage to ask him last week when he wanted to meet up and he said he already had plans this weekend, but that he really wanted to see me still. All of our texts are flirty, lighthearted, and last about 2-3 hours...so conversation (however non-serious they are) are always sweet and considerate on his end.

If memory serves me right, he's always been a shy guy, but high school was nearly a decade ago. I don't even remember him dating anyone throughout high school. I've consulted my best friends and was told that I could be intimidating him since, according to what I post on Facebook, I am always busy. Although, I was really thrown by his reply text when I joked about our schedules never matching: "We will hang out soon when the planets and stars are aligned :) But I definitely still want to see you and go to that place with you."

What kind of comment is that??? And so many of his reply texts about us are like that. I once told him that I found our old high school panoramic photo and he said he remembered that he never got around to signing it and would love to sometime. I've been around enough guys to know a sweet talker, but this is just ridiculous, I mean, these are comments he doesn't even have to say!

I honestly do not know what is going on and would love advice from as many males as possible. Be as cruel as you can if you feel like you need to inform me that he is just blowing me off. I thought if he wanted a way out, he had the opportunity when I asked him if he was still interested. Why hasn't he asked me out already? Or am I missing the signs that he's lost interest?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
My best guess: He's bored / lonely, but not interested in that way. Guys, especially shy ones, will commonly find it easier to flirt with women in whom they are not really emotionally invested.
posted by TeatimeGrommit at 8:15 AM on June 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Question: Why hasn't he asked me out already?
Answer: he's always been a shy guy
Answer2: according to what I post on Facebook, I am always busy
Solution: Tell him when you arn't busy if you want to get together. Otherwise is he supposed to guess your schedule or what?
posted by An algorithmic dog at 8:15 AM on June 8, 2010


Have you tried suggesting a date & time? That's the only way to know if he's actually interested in meeting up and not just dreaming pretty dreams.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:19 AM on June 8, 2010


Why haven't you asked him out?

Or he's gay.
posted by schmod at 8:29 AM on June 8, 2010


I have no idea what you mean by cheesy comments. Taken in context, they don't seem "ridiculous" to me at all. They seem cute to me, and I'm a serious, cold-hearted introvert.

Ask him out on a specific day and time, and you'll have your answer.
posted by desjardins at 8:33 AM on June 8, 2010


He has asked you out. He is waiting for you to give him a date and time.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:40 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Read the book He's Just Not Into You. It will explain it all.
It’s a classic single-woman scenario: you really like this guy, but he’s giving mixed messages. You make excuses, decide he’s confused, afraid of commitment. Behrendt, a former executive story editor for Sex and the City—and a formerly single (now happily married) guy who knows all the excuses—provides a simple answer: he’s just not that into you. Stop kidding yourself, let go and look for someone else who will be. After all, as Behrendt sensibly puts it, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way." If you’re not convinced yet, by all means read this smart, funny and surprisingly upbeat little book, full of q’s and a’s covering every excuse woman has ever made to avoid admitting to herself that a man just wasn’t that smitten with her.
posted by shaarog at 9:00 AM on June 8, 2010


Yeah, I'm not sure at all what he's doing wrong. He's flirted, he's said he wants to do stuff with you, he's asked you to set up a time and place. He was busy when you did it, but if you want to see him, ask him again. (The "yes, I want to see you but I'm busy..." is only a bad thing when it's a repeated pattern that seems like it's blowing you off.)

If you want someone who is always going to take control and give you a when/where you can do stuff, this guy obviously isn't the guy for you. He just seems laid back to me. He wants to do stuff with you. It's up to you to show him you want to as well by doing what he asked.

It doesn't seem like he's playing games with you; don't make them up based on the silly boys you've known in the past.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:01 AM on June 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


He has asked you out, if not for a Big Official Romance Date then at least for a 'Let's see each other in person and see if we're actually interested in each other' date. At this point it doesn't sound like the stakes are incredibly high for either of you, but you are both intrigued; I'm not sure why you haven't figured out a time to hang out yet.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:14 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I too am not seeing any gameplaying here.

If you want a date with him, set up a date. If you don't, don't. He's clearly the sort of guy who's going to sit back and let you take the initiative, but that's only a character flaw if you want to see it as a character flaw.

"We will hang out soon when the planets and stars are aligned :) But I definitely still want to see you and go to that place with you."

What kind of comment is that???

It's... a crystal clear, completely unambiguous comment, as far as I can tell. "I want to see you. Name a time. Also I get a little bit florid when I'm flirting."

It's possible you aren't a good match for this guy, if your conversational styles are so badly mismatched that you can't figure out what "I definitely still want to see you" means. But don't read too much into that just yet -- texts and emails do weird things to conversation; the dating game does even weirder things.
posted by ook at 9:17 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


"if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way."

What's the corollary for a sane woman? This is the 21st century. We don't have to expect all men to be forthright and all women to be submissively waiting for a guy to make a move.

OP, just ask this dude out yourself and very quickly find out what's going on. I honestly can't figure out why you think you're somehow being blown off by this guy, but MCMN makes a good point about the type of guy you seem to want.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:20 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Sounds to me like this guy likes you, wants to go on a date with you, and is respectful of the fact that you have a busy schedule. He's giving you the opportunity to set the time and place for your date. He seems to me like a somewhat shy guy (a type of person who simply does not exist in the world of HJNTIY) who might not be used to asking girls out.
I finally got the courage to ask him last week when he wanted to meet up and he said he already had plans this weekend, but that he really wanted to see me still.
That's a yes. It's a soft, shy, somewhat noncommittal yes. Keep suggesting times and places when you would be available to see him. If he continues to be "busy" or never reciprocates with plans of his own, then drop it. But I think it's a bit soon to chalk this one up to game-playing.
posted by Uncle Ira at 9:34 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


After all, as Behrendt sensibly puts it, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way."

This particular gem has already been replied to, but as a former shy guy, let me just say--this is flat wrong, and stereotypical. Some guys aren't comfortable making the first move. The trope of the clueless guy hitting on everyone has been played out so much that some men don't want to "be that guy."

If part of your (not you, OP) understanding of relationships comes from "Sex and the City" writers, there might be a problem, as evidenced by this quote. You want to know why he hasn't asked you out--but I'm wondering why you haven't asked him out, if you genuinely want to know if he's interested? Life isn't a game you play, where you lose points if someone says no. Just ask.
posted by Phyltre at 9:36 AM on June 8, 2010 [4 favorites]


If part of your (not you, OP) understanding of relationships comes from "Sex and the City" writers, there might be a problem

This bears repeating.
posted by mrbill at 10:17 AM on June 8, 2010 [6 favorites]


I think you both are missing part of the whole etiquette of making plans with someone: when a specific date is suggested, if you can't make that date you are supposed to propose an alternate date, then go back and forth proposing dates until one clicks.

If he says no to your date, but does not suggest a new one, then how do you know whose court the ball is in? He didn't hit it back, but he doesn't seem to be keeping it either.

My suggestion: during the next flirty session where either of you talks about getting together, put on bit of a stern attitude and text him that you will not quit this session until you figure out a date/time that works for both of you. Do it with an lol and a flirty emoticon if you must, but stick to it. If he won't suggest a date, then you suggest one after another and see if he agrees. Decide on a number that you will tolerate and then just text "Well, I can see that this was all just bullshit for you, so have a nice life." and then Unfriend him. At least you'll have your answer.
posted by CathyG at 10:24 AM on June 8, 2010


We will hang out soon when the planets and stars are aligned :) But I definitely still want to see you and go to that place with you.

I personally interpret this as "I assume you haven't been able to set a time and date because you are very busy, and I'm not going to pressure you -- I'm willing to wait patiently until you have time to see me. But I definitely still want to see you and go to that place with you."

Sounds like a patient-but-interested guy -- which makes sense, when you realize you haven't seen him in so long, so he's not going to be impatient if he has to wait a little longer. I'd say set a time and date and see if you two hit it off.

And remember: if you're annoyed that he doesn't seem to be pushing hard enough, think about how much you've changed since high school. He's changed just as much. So if he's a smart, reasonable guy, he knows that you two have to get to know each other all over again before you can tell if there's a spark. In that context, it would seem silly to get all worked up and impatient -- he doesn't really know you well enough to act that way.

Set that date.
posted by davejay at 10:24 AM on June 8, 2010


Oh, and on the "I can't this weekend but..." -- he may actually have been busy that weekend, or he may have not wanted you to think he didn't have plans for the weekend. Men play a little hard to get, too, sometimes. Either way, set the date. Give it a go.
posted by davejay at 10:28 AM on June 8, 2010


I finally got the courage to ask him last week when he wanted to meet up and he said he already had plans this weekend, but that he really wanted to see me still.

So you have asked him out, and since then it's been "lets definitely get together sometime"

We will hang out soon when the planets and stars are aligned

That's never, clearly. You asked for male opinions, but they are telling you to ask him out directly--which you've already done. I had the same response from male friends/relatives when I was asking for dating advice--they project. They love being asked out by a woman--naturally--everyone loves that kind of ego boost. But if the guy wanted to actually date you, it would have happened by now. What does he want instead? A good question you may never have the answer to. He may be gay, or in some other way unavailable, and just enjoy flirting. He may enjoy having everyone on Facebook watch the two of you flirt. Don't waste hours texting him. If this is really driving you crazy, pick up the phone, speak to him, ask him when he wants to get together to sign the yearbook. My guess is that this is a complete dead end romantically, but at least you'll have a resolution.
posted by uans at 10:32 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


davejay: Do men play hard to get with women they are actually interested in, attracted to?
posted by uans at 10:35 AM on June 8, 2010


My guess: He wants to drop a few pounds before seeing you after all these years. It's taking longer than he thought. He's interested, but seriously -- you have to exercise for hours to lose the calories in one apple.

I'm not kidding.
posted by Houstonian at 10:47 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


My take is that he was actually busy at the (one) time you proposed, but that he's still interested. He's hedging, though--one of the main reasons shy guys are shy is because they're afraid of rejection, and they won't ask you out unless they have absolute, total, titanium-clad belief that you won't say no.

I imagine that if you pick a date that will work for him, keeping in mind that "I'm busy" was probably legit and not code for "I don't want to see you," he'll jump at the chance.

(IAA mostly-reformed shy guy.)

PS: Houstonian could also be correct, though. MCMikeNamara may be right as well, although sometimes guys like this change their attitudes pretty drastically once they get comfortable with the situation. It's very hard to tell, and would be even if we were in your shoes. Bottom line: meet up and see what happens. Also, I'd give him at least two dates--I give pretty much everyone that much time, because first dates are stressful and make people act like what they aren't. Paradoxically, this is usually a less-attractive version of themselves, but nobody ever went broke overestimating human perversity.
posted by tellumo at 11:34 AM on June 8, 2010


Oh, for heaven's sake, stop texting and get on the phone with him. You're texting for hours, and you can't tell what he means by his texts? Get on the phone. You can tell a lot from tone of voice, and you both need to get over your shyness.
posted by musofire at 11:58 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


This is an easy one. If you want to go out with him, ask him out. If you don't want to go out with him, stop worrying about why he hasn't asked you out. PRESTO PROBLEM SOLVED.
posted by Justinian at 1:00 PM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


He is still shy. Ask him out, a couple of weeks in advance if necessary and meet in person. Text messages may as well be sanskrit sometimes, they lead to confusion for everyone with even their closest friends at some point. He is probably interested, just not ready to make that leap until you literally (well, lets make that figuratively) knock him on the head with a club. Good luck!
posted by occidental at 2:02 PM on June 8, 2010


uans: Do men play hard to get with women they are actually interested in, attracted to?

Yes. The most common method is the "wait 3 days to call her" scenario. Look at the AskMe's regarding "How do I pursue this girl", and a lot of answers are to move on, and she might chase you. Some women do not respond well to being wooed, but do respond to indifference.
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:44 AM on June 9, 2010


Okay, I get that. But when a girl you like asks you out? Do you really say 'I'm busy this weekend' and then not suggest another time?
posted by uans at 8:05 AM on June 9, 2010


Uans, my thoughts exactly. I've read this post and have been in the same situation. If the guy was really busy, he would suggest another time in the future instead of reiterating he would like to see you. I'm not on the Sex and the City boat of He's Just Not That In To You, however, if a guy really was in to you...there wouldn't be as much doubt.
posted by penguingrl at 11:57 AM on June 9, 2010


Anonymous, if you do ask him out, or if there is some other resolution to this, please let us know. You've got a lot of us interested.
posted by uans at 3:14 PM on June 9, 2010


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