How do I help him move on?
June 7, 2010 3:55 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend and I of 4 months broke up a month ago. The reasons are: we've been fighting (mostly about little things) for a week straight, he's going off to a different school in August (the root of our fights), and the timing isn't just right for us. I initiated the break up, but he agreed as well. I told him that we should still be friends even though we're not together anymore. He wants to do the same, but he sees a chance of getting back together after college. Yikes.
We're both 20 years old. In the relationship, we became each others' best friends. Our age may signify immaturity, but it felt like our relationship could be something more if we're older/done with college.
Me: I am very much committed to him when we were together. I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I felt like this has affected our fights. 3 months in, I was always worried about the future, or rather the lack of one. And this worry has pretty much translated to little fights about things in our relationship (Being late and not texting to me about it, not calling me back when he said he would, and the BIG one: texting/talking to a girl who is just a friend -- more later.) I will admit that I have trouble trusting people, and depression and anxiety has pretty much worsened this for me. We were semi-ldr, we saw each other every other day and most weekends.
Him: He's very sweet, he loves me, but sometimes I can feel like he's ignoring me. I've thought that this was because he has ADD, but I felt like I was making up excuses for him. He was distant before, and said that it was because he was falling love with me. Near the end of our relationship, he has been texting a girl (who we met at the same time) who's supposed to be just a friend (nothing physical can ever happen but still). Apparently after we broke up they got more flirtatious. I feel betrayed because they're supposed to be just friends when we were still together, but I wouldn't have an idea if they already started this.
He found out that I started dating someone else and the same day he pretty much spilled the "I have missed you" beans. He has reminded me of little things in our relationship. He says he doesn't want me to forget him. That timing isn't just in our favor. That he still wants to be a part of my life and can settle for being friends. That he still wants to talk every week when we're both off to different schools. He's really pushing for friendship despite the fact that both of us haven't completely moved on. I have told him that we need to get over each other first before we can be really friends, but his response is "I don't want to get over you." He says that after college, we could try it again. And the BIG WTF?!?!?: He said that he could see himself seeing being married to me.
I'm confused. We've both established that we can't get back together and he always adds 'at least for right now.' I feel like he's using me as a backup plan or that he's leading me on, but he really isn't that type of person, I think. I thought I have moved on, but talking to him again feels nice. He is my first relationship, so I don't know if I should just let it go or take a chance with the things he's talking about. I have missed him too, but I feel the right thing to do is just to move on and give my wounds more time to heal.
How do I help him move on and be friends with him? What are your insights in his actions?
We're both 20 years old. In the relationship, we became each others' best friends. Our age may signify immaturity, but it felt like our relationship could be something more if we're older/done with college.
Me: I am very much committed to him when we were together. I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I felt like this has affected our fights. 3 months in, I was always worried about the future, or rather the lack of one. And this worry has pretty much translated to little fights about things in our relationship (Being late and not texting to me about it, not calling me back when he said he would, and the BIG one: texting/talking to a girl who is just a friend -- more later.) I will admit that I have trouble trusting people, and depression and anxiety has pretty much worsened this for me. We were semi-ldr, we saw each other every other day and most weekends.
Him: He's very sweet, he loves me, but sometimes I can feel like he's ignoring me. I've thought that this was because he has ADD, but I felt like I was making up excuses for him. He was distant before, and said that it was because he was falling love with me. Near the end of our relationship, he has been texting a girl (who we met at the same time) who's supposed to be just a friend (nothing physical can ever happen but still). Apparently after we broke up they got more flirtatious. I feel betrayed because they're supposed to be just friends when we were still together, but I wouldn't have an idea if they already started this.
He found out that I started dating someone else and the same day he pretty much spilled the "I have missed you" beans. He has reminded me of little things in our relationship. He says he doesn't want me to forget him. That timing isn't just in our favor. That he still wants to be a part of my life and can settle for being friends. That he still wants to talk every week when we're both off to different schools. He's really pushing for friendship despite the fact that both of us haven't completely moved on. I have told him that we need to get over each other first before we can be really friends, but his response is "I don't want to get over you." He says that after college, we could try it again. And the BIG WTF?!?!?: He said that he could see himself seeing being married to me.
I'm confused. We've both established that we can't get back together and he always adds 'at least for right now.' I feel like he's using me as a backup plan or that he's leading me on, but he really isn't that type of person, I think. I thought I have moved on, but talking to him again feels nice. He is my first relationship, so I don't know if I should just let it go or take a chance with the things he's talking about. I have missed him too, but I feel the right thing to do is just to move on and give my wounds more time to heal.
How do I help him move on and be friends with him? What are your insights in his actions?
Trying to stay friends after a difficult breakup is rarely possible and always painful. If you hope to be friends with him somewhere in the future, it's necessary to cut ties with him in the present.
The best thing you can do is tell him not to contact you and that you wont be contacting him. Make it a clean break, rather than a drawn-out descent towards mutual antagonism.
posted by sarastro at 4:01 PM on June 7, 2010
The best thing you can do is tell him not to contact you and that you wont be contacting him. Make it a clean break, rather than a drawn-out descent towards mutual antagonism.
posted by sarastro at 4:01 PM on June 7, 2010
The best way to help him move on is to move on yourself. If you're acting/feeling catty about another woman, that's just fodder for his 'someday again' pipe dreams. Don't worry so much about keeping/maintaining a friendship at this point. If the two of you are good friends, then that aspect of your relationship will mend and adapt along the way.
posted by carsonb at 4:04 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by carsonb at 4:04 PM on June 7, 2010
This might not be the nicest way to do things but in the past I was a little bit mean to an old boyfriend when I was breaking up with him-simply because I WANTED him to be pissed at me. I did later tell him what was up a year or so later and he understood why I did it.
You don't have to be perfectly nice here. The timing for you two just wasn't in the cards. The end of college will take care of itself but you need a clean break NOW.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:05 PM on June 7, 2010
You don't have to be perfectly nice here. The timing for you two just wasn't in the cards. The end of college will take care of itself but you need a clean break NOW.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:05 PM on June 7, 2010
the timing isn't just right for us...I told him that we should still be friends even though we're not together anymore. He wants to do the same, but he sees a chance of getting back together after college. Yikes
Okay, look. If it's really just the timing, and you really want to still be friends (and so there's no reason you might not get back together someday) then you wouldn't be saying "Yikes."
So it's not that. It's that you don't want to be dating him. And you need to say that to him so he can move on. "I've been thinking about what you said, about missing me, and that you don't want to get over me. But I have to be honest, and say that I don't want to miss you, and I do want to get over you, because I have a live in college ahead of me and I want to concentrate on that. Four months with you was terrific, but I'm not going to carry it forward through four years of college. So I was wrong, we can't be friends -- I need a clean break."
And if he hates you, or gets angry, or whatever -- so be it. You're being honest, and that's what he needs long-term.
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Okay, look. If it's really just the timing, and you really want to still be friends (and so there's no reason you might not get back together someday) then you wouldn't be saying "Yikes."
So it's not that. It's that you don't want to be dating him. And you need to say that to him so he can move on. "I've been thinking about what you said, about missing me, and that you don't want to get over me. But I have to be honest, and say that I don't want to miss you, and I do want to get over you, because I have a live in college ahead of me and I want to concentrate on that. Four months with you was terrific, but I'm not going to carry it forward through four years of college. So I was wrong, we can't be friends -- I need a clean break."
And if he hates you, or gets angry, or whatever -- so be it. You're being honest, and that's what he needs long-term.
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
For a long distance / long term relationship to work, you both have to really be in for it, willing to talk all the time and meet as frequently as you can within limits of money and (school)work or other commitments.
But because you're far from confident about the relationship, make a clean break, however you can. He can then go on with his life in college, without holding on to some point a few years from now. If he's still pining while at college, he might not get as involved with classes and making new friendships, making the separation more awkward or painful. Any annoyance of suffering now will make the future better, for both of you.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:44 PM on June 7, 2010
But because you're far from confident about the relationship, make a clean break, however you can. He can then go on with his life in college, without holding on to some point a few years from now. If he's still pining while at college, he might not get as involved with classes and making new friendships, making the separation more awkward or painful. Any annoyance of suffering now will make the future better, for both of you.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:44 PM on June 7, 2010
Long ago I had a serious boyfriend and we had this same dynamic when we broke up. (After 3 years, including some months living together.) It is hard for people to end serious attachments. That's one reason that breakups tend to take awhile and sometimes are punctuated by brief revivals of the relationship.
I told my boyfriend I didn't even want to be friends. I actually missed his friendship later but I have to say that over all it was best for both of us to have that clean break.
So I'm nthing the folks telling you to let him know that this relationship is over, in all respects.
Good luck as you move forward.
posted by bearwife at 4:48 PM on June 7, 2010
I told my boyfriend I didn't even want to be friends. I actually missed his friendship later but I have to say that over all it was best for both of us to have that clean break.
So I'm nthing the folks telling you to let him know that this relationship is over, in all respects.
Good luck as you move forward.
posted by bearwife at 4:48 PM on June 7, 2010
Why don't you just let him think you can be friends? In reality, it never seems to happen, especially when someone goes away to college, but in the meantime, you end the fights, he doesn't think you're a bad person, and you do what you want. Or you could instead sacrifice at the altar of Honesty and then decide that being friends might not be that awful after all, but in the meantime you've pretty much told him to GTFO, and then you've got even bigger wounds to heal.
posted by sageleaf at 4:58 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by sageleaf at 4:58 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ok, I remember being 20 years old (and god, do I ever miss it). I had a serious girlfriend at that time and I was totally in love and thought it would last forever. It sounds so adorable now, I wish I could go back in time and pinch my own cheeks. And when we broke up I thought we could remain friends. I quickly learned that the "let's just be friends" game is the greatest fool's errand in the dating world. It just doesn't work. Someone always wants back in to the relationship and it always just devolves into more fighting. It's not realistic. Sure, it can happen. But it is FAR from the norm, especially at your age.
My advice, just move on, break it off completely, and be open to dating someone new. Some day you'll be older and look back at this guy and think "Man, thank god I didn't wind up with him."
If I were still dating the same girl now that I was with then, I'd probably off myself.
posted by fso at 5:40 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
My advice, just move on, break it off completely, and be open to dating someone new. Some day you'll be older and look back at this guy and think "Man, thank god I didn't wind up with him."
If I were still dating the same girl now that I was with then, I'd probably off myself.
posted by fso at 5:40 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
You don't have any control over what he thinks or wants to think. Some people go through that phase during a breakup where they need to think it'll all work out. You don't have to agree, and you can do whatever you need to do for you, and you certainly don't have to play along to comfort him or anything.
"Being friends" isn't necessarily the platonic ideal of post-relationship relationships. Even if it happens, it rarely happens immediately - it's months or a year or years before things normalize. Not being enemies is probably a better target.
Breakups are hard, even when they ought to happen, because change is hard. It's the change he's fighting, possibly even more than the breakup itself. It's hard, but you'll both be okay, even if you're never more than nodding acquaintances again. Go take care of you, he'll have to figure out how to take care of him.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:49 PM on June 7, 2010
"Being friends" isn't necessarily the platonic ideal of post-relationship relationships. Even if it happens, it rarely happens immediately - it's months or a year or years before things normalize. Not being enemies is probably a better target.
Breakups are hard, even when they ought to happen, because change is hard. It's the change he's fighting, possibly even more than the breakup itself. It's hard, but you'll both be okay, even if you're never more than nodding acquaintances again. Go take care of you, he'll have to figure out how to take care of him.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:49 PM on June 7, 2010
I think you should take a "friendship break" for your sanity's sake. Just tell him it is too painful to be friends right now and maybe you will think about it later (don't give a date). You don't owe him anything.
As for the strange marriage comment - there was guy in college with me that told us he would marry this specific girl later - he said she would make the perfect wife because she was fairly boring, average-looking, stable and would be good for raising children and letting him be the boss. He sort of strung her along while openly having many girlfriends in college and later he married her and they now have a kid. The whole thing made me feel sort of sick and very aware of how guys thought of me - don't be the fun girl or the marriage girl, find a guy who thinks you are both and treats you like it!
posted by meepmeow at 11:51 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for the strange marriage comment - there was guy in college with me that told us he would marry this specific girl later - he said she would make the perfect wife because she was fairly boring, average-looking, stable and would be good for raising children and letting him be the boss. He sort of strung her along while openly having many girlfriends in college and later he married her and they now have a kid. The whole thing made me feel sort of sick and very aware of how guys thought of me - don't be the fun girl or the marriage girl, find a guy who thinks you are both and treats you like it!
posted by meepmeow at 11:51 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is no downside to not ruling out a future. Even if you're crossing your fingers behind your back while you do it. If he mentions a future after college, say "we'll see where we are in our lives then." He can't argue with that. You can't argue with that either. That's not promising anything more than "I do not hate you right now so much that I wouldn't speak to you in a couple years."
Likewise, you can feel fine saying you're friends now. There are lots of different types of friendships and you are about to find out what "being 'friends' after a relationship" is like. You'll find that out by defining it as you go along.
posted by oreofuchi at 11:30 PM on June 9, 2010
Likewise, you can feel fine saying you're friends now. There are lots of different types of friendships and you are about to find out what "being 'friends' after a relationship" is like. You'll find that out by defining it as you go along.
posted by oreofuchi at 11:30 PM on June 9, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yes, that is correct. You can help him move on by not being his friend right now. You'll never be able to move on while you're still trapped in the drama. You guys probably need to cut off contact for awhile.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:00 PM on June 7, 2010 [8 favorites]