Mommy's all right. Daddy's all right. They just seem a little weird...
May 25, 2010 8:14 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with family jealousy and grandparent's rivalry?
The last few years were tough for my mother-in-law. She provided in-home hospice for her brother who then died from lung cancer a few weeks before X-mas. She then made some questionable personal choices that resulted in legal issues.
She got though it all fantastically.
As a "thank you/you are awesome" gift, my wonderful wife decided to have a meaningful piece of jewelry created for her which was given on the one year anniversary of Uncle's death. Not only a few weeks before X-mas, but nearly coinciding with MY mother's birthday.
Additionally, my mother in law has played a very active role as Grandmother to our two year old daughter... babysitting, sleep-overs, picking her up from preschool and bringing over dinners on busy nights.
She shines and wholly deserved the gift and the recognition.
Now, back to MY mother...
Today I received a letter, drafted by my Father (these people live six miles away) detailing how they cannot understand my "choice" to not
recognize MY mother with a similar gift. The letter was written in a very passive-aggressive manner, but essentially accused me of not being a thoughtful enough son. It hit me completely by surprise. It also detailed
how they could not understand (are jealous of) the "favored" relationship we seem to have with my wife's mother. While they have not taken a passive role as grandparents, it is kinda pale in comparison to my mother in law, who has bonded with my child.
Now my parents are artsy, introverted types, but hitting me from left field with this guilt trip bomb does't sit right with me. I called to express my frustration and anger and was hung up on twice.
In my play book, nobody wins the "You don't love me enough because..." game. How should I deal with them? What similar family experiences have you had and how did you cope with it?
The last few years were tough for my mother-in-law. She provided in-home hospice for her brother who then died from lung cancer a few weeks before X-mas. She then made some questionable personal choices that resulted in legal issues.
She got though it all fantastically.
As a "thank you/you are awesome" gift, my wonderful wife decided to have a meaningful piece of jewelry created for her which was given on the one year anniversary of Uncle's death. Not only a few weeks before X-mas, but nearly coinciding with MY mother's birthday.
Additionally, my mother in law has played a very active role as Grandmother to our two year old daughter... babysitting, sleep-overs, picking her up from preschool and bringing over dinners on busy nights.
She shines and wholly deserved the gift and the recognition.
Now, back to MY mother...
Today I received a letter, drafted by my Father (these people live six miles away) detailing how they cannot understand my "choice" to not
recognize MY mother with a similar gift. The letter was written in a very passive-aggressive manner, but essentially accused me of not being a thoughtful enough son. It hit me completely by surprise. It also detailed
how they could not understand (are jealous of) the "favored" relationship we seem to have with my wife's mother. While they have not taken a passive role as grandparents, it is kinda pale in comparison to my mother in law, who has bonded with my child.
Now my parents are artsy, introverted types, but hitting me from left field with this guilt trip bomb does't sit right with me. I called to express my frustration and anger and was hung up on twice.
In my play book, nobody wins the "You don't love me enough because..." game. How should I deal with them? What similar family experiences have you had and how did you cope with it?
Do you have any siblings? If so, can you -- gently, not sarcastically -- turn it around and say "we gave mother-in-law her own gift without giving you an identical gift for the same reason you didn't give me and YourSibling(s) identical gifts/praise/clothes every time one of us got something -- because we love you both as individuals who sometimes have unique needs, just as you love me and Sibling(s) as individuals who sometimes have unique needs."
posted by scody at 8:36 PM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by scody at 8:36 PM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
It also detailed how they could not understand (are jealous of) the "favored" relationship we seem to have with my wife's mother.
Whatever closeness you have with your wife's mom, your parents may be wondering why you don't have the same relationship with them. You have it with your MIL, so therefore you are capable of doing it. Why not with them? Now, before you get on the defensive, I'm not saying that what they are thinking is right. It's just something to consider. Perhaps they feel a bit neglected. Maybe they are unaware of all the things that your MIL went through and you were occupied with that. Maybe they only saw you giving the gift to your MIL (so close to your mom's bday too - btw, what did you do for your mom's bday? I can understand why she would feel slighted, I'm not saying I agree with how she handled it, but I can empathize), and not the enormity of what she went through as the reason for the gift. Your parents live 6 miles away. Do you visit? Do you invite them over? Do you involve them in your lives? Because they obviously want to be. Maybe they don't know how to involve themselves in your lives (other than sending passive-aggressive nasty grams whining about gifts and what an ungrateful son you are).
You have every right to feel the way you do about this guilt trip bomb. However, instead of being angry at them, work towards a solution and a new way of relating. Invite your parents over, go on outings with them, have them visit with your child. Maybe your mom wants a chance to be as involved in your daughter's life as your MIL.
(On preview, I think notshot's comment has more of a fight-fire-with-fire quality; I believe being compassionate is the way to go, FWIW.)
posted by foxjacket at 8:37 PM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Whatever closeness you have with your wife's mom, your parents may be wondering why you don't have the same relationship with them. You have it with your MIL, so therefore you are capable of doing it. Why not with them? Now, before you get on the defensive, I'm not saying that what they are thinking is right. It's just something to consider. Perhaps they feel a bit neglected. Maybe they are unaware of all the things that your MIL went through and you were occupied with that. Maybe they only saw you giving the gift to your MIL (so close to your mom's bday too - btw, what did you do for your mom's bday? I can understand why she would feel slighted, I'm not saying I agree with how she handled it, but I can empathize), and not the enormity of what she went through as the reason for the gift. Your parents live 6 miles away. Do you visit? Do you invite them over? Do you involve them in your lives? Because they obviously want to be. Maybe they don't know how to involve themselves in your lives (other than sending passive-aggressive nasty grams whining about gifts and what an ungrateful son you are).
You have every right to feel the way you do about this guilt trip bomb. However, instead of being angry at them, work towards a solution and a new way of relating. Invite your parents over, go on outings with them, have them visit with your child. Maybe your mom wants a chance to be as involved in your daughter's life as your MIL.
(On preview, I think notshot's comment has more of a fight-fire-with-fire quality; I believe being compassionate is the way to go, FWIW.)
posted by foxjacket at 8:37 PM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would call them and ask what on god's green earth they're going on about. It's not a competition, and a gift is not a prize.
Don't qualify why your mother-in-law deserves a gift or explain how the other set of parents are closer to their grandchild. You'll just give them the opportunity to argue with you AND rub salt in the wound.
posted by desuetude at 8:56 PM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't qualify why your mother-in-law deserves a gift or explain how the other set of parents are closer to their grandchild. You'll just give them the opportunity to argue with you AND rub salt in the wound.
posted by desuetude at 8:56 PM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think your instinct to call, rather than write a response, was good--even if it was also good that you didn't make the call while furious. Once you've had some time to process this, it would be good to call or meet in person. Do not write a logical response; don't even approach this as a question of logic.
I'd be happy to detail my experiences via MeMail if you'd like, but the public version of events is: I've been on the receiving end of "You love them more than you love us" from a dear relative. It sucks. It's infuriating. It's unfair. It's bizarre behavior for an adult to exhibit. But. It's also completely, utterly, totally about the person who made the remarks. After I vented my anger and frustration to a friend or two, after I'd outlined in my head all the reasons that charge was illogical, I started to really think about what my relative had said and my anger turned into pity. It's pitiful and pathetic to say, out of nowhere, completely out of proportion to anything that happened, "Because of this kind thing you did for her, clearly you love her more than you love me." That kind of naked insecurity is just sad to see in an adult relative. And I wonder if, once you get to that sense of pity, maybe you could address this with your parents.
An emotionally healthy person might say, "I'm noticing a pattern--it seems like you've spent the last several holidays with your in-laws, and I'm feeling a bit left out; will you come to my Thanksgiving dinner this year?" or "I'm noticing a pattern in how you spend your time with the other grandparents, and I'm feeling [whatever], can we [make a new plan to address the issue]?" So, perhaps you could approach your parents and say, more or less, "I love you, my family loves you, and we want to make sure you feel that affection from us. It hurt me deeply to get that letter from you because it cast a nice thing we were doing for my mother-in-law as a slight against you. I'd like to take that off the table--no more comparing what we do with or for MIL to what we do with or for you. Instead, let's talk about how the two of you are feeling and what the two of you would like to do with us to make sure we all feel acknowledged and loved."
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:04 PM on May 25, 2010 [11 favorites]
I'd be happy to detail my experiences via MeMail if you'd like, but the public version of events is: I've been on the receiving end of "You love them more than you love us" from a dear relative. It sucks. It's infuriating. It's unfair. It's bizarre behavior for an adult to exhibit. But. It's also completely, utterly, totally about the person who made the remarks. After I vented my anger and frustration to a friend or two, after I'd outlined in my head all the reasons that charge was illogical, I started to really think about what my relative had said and my anger turned into pity. It's pitiful and pathetic to say, out of nowhere, completely out of proportion to anything that happened, "Because of this kind thing you did for her, clearly you love her more than you love me." That kind of naked insecurity is just sad to see in an adult relative. And I wonder if, once you get to that sense of pity, maybe you could address this with your parents.
An emotionally healthy person might say, "I'm noticing a pattern--it seems like you've spent the last several holidays with your in-laws, and I'm feeling a bit left out; will you come to my Thanksgiving dinner this year?" or "I'm noticing a pattern in how you spend your time with the other grandparents, and I'm feeling [whatever], can we [make a new plan to address the issue]?" So, perhaps you could approach your parents and say, more or less, "I love you, my family loves you, and we want to make sure you feel that affection from us. It hurt me deeply to get that letter from you because it cast a nice thing we were doing for my mother-in-law as a slight against you. I'd like to take that off the table--no more comparing what we do with or for MIL to what we do with or for you. Instead, let's talk about how the two of you are feeling and what the two of you would like to do with us to make sure we all feel acknowledged and loved."
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:04 PM on May 25, 2010 [11 favorites]
It would help to know what your relationships are like with both sets of parents -- do you spend equal holidays? Do they have equal access to your daughter? Is your MIL spending more time with your daughter because she's retired/lives closer/wants to and your parents aren't/don't?
While I think your mother's reaction is pretty far out of line, it would help to know if this is a situation where it's your nuclear family + wife's mom and they're the "distant" grandparents and they view themselves as never getting equal time or equal attention (which may be a result of them being introverts and not putting themselves forward, but may still wound them for all that), or if you are scrupulously "fair" and this is totally out of left field.
The one thing I will say is that it can be hard for the father's parents to feel as involved as the mother's parents when a grandchild (particularly a first grandchild) arrives on the scene; the mother usually wants HER mother and turns to HER mother for help; the family often ends up emulating the maternal grandmother's parenting style more closely, since it's passed down mom-to-mom. The paternal grandmother may feel rejected or marginalized when the maternal grandmother's help is sought more often; and she may feel that her raising of HER child (you) is being implicitly criticized when you defer to your wife's parenting style that she got from HER mother. (Or even if the two of you have worked out your OWN parenting style, she may still perceive it as being your wife's inherited from her mother.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:16 PM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
While I think your mother's reaction is pretty far out of line, it would help to know if this is a situation where it's your nuclear family + wife's mom and they're the "distant" grandparents and they view themselves as never getting equal time or equal attention (which may be a result of them being introverts and not putting themselves forward, but may still wound them for all that), or if you are scrupulously "fair" and this is totally out of left field.
The one thing I will say is that it can be hard for the father's parents to feel as involved as the mother's parents when a grandchild (particularly a first grandchild) arrives on the scene; the mother usually wants HER mother and turns to HER mother for help; the family often ends up emulating the maternal grandmother's parenting style more closely, since it's passed down mom-to-mom. The paternal grandmother may feel rejected or marginalized when the maternal grandmother's help is sought more often; and she may feel that her raising of HER child (you) is being implicitly criticized when you defer to your wife's parenting style that she got from HER mother. (Or even if the two of you have worked out your OWN parenting style, she may still perceive it as being your wife's inherited from her mother.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:16 PM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you have a wonderful wife and two great kids. As a person who's far away from both sides of the family, I envy that you're so close (at least physically) to both sets of grandparents and that you seem to have a good relationship (barring this episode) with both sets. Please know that this is an incredible blessing for your children.
It seems like your MIL (and FIL) have a headstart on this great relationship but different ages bring out different things in people. It's possible that your parents might bond more closely with your children when they're older and more able to appreciate introverted "artistic" things and activities. With that in mind, I'd suggest just forgetting your anger and dismay over how this was handled by your parents. Go over to their house and give them both a hug. Tell them that you love them and you appreciate what great parents they were. Let them know that you have such a great family because they helped raise a great husband and father. Cut them some slack and then see how you can help make them feel more included in the day to day routines of your life. This is NOT about a gift...I think this is about your parents being afraid that they will never be close to your children and feeling that they are missing out on one of the great joys of being grandparents.
Please, please, please let anger and confusion go and be a compassionate son. Your parents handled this badly but you can handle it like a superstar. Good luck!
posted by victoriab at 9:19 PM on May 25, 2010
It seems like your MIL (and FIL) have a headstart on this great relationship but different ages bring out different things in people. It's possible that your parents might bond more closely with your children when they're older and more able to appreciate introverted "artistic" things and activities. With that in mind, I'd suggest just forgetting your anger and dismay over how this was handled by your parents. Go over to their house and give them both a hug. Tell them that you love them and you appreciate what great parents they were. Let them know that you have such a great family because they helped raise a great husband and father. Cut them some slack and then see how you can help make them feel more included in the day to day routines of your life. This is NOT about a gift...I think this is about your parents being afraid that they will never be close to your children and feeling that they are missing out on one of the great joys of being grandparents.
Please, please, please let anger and confusion go and be a compassionate son. Your parents handled this badly but you can handle it like a superstar. Good luck!
posted by victoriab at 9:19 PM on May 25, 2010
Best answer: You know what's awesome? You're more of an adult than your parents are. That's pretty cool, actually. So now you get to behave accordingly.
Go over to their house -- they're only six miles away -- and sit 'em down. Then do something like this:
"I read your letter, and I'm disappointed that you didn't feel like you could just come over and talk to me about it. But that's why I'm here, and it was easy to come over, because you're only six miles away. Ultimately, with you living so close, I don't know why we don't see more of you. I don't know why you don't take a more active role in our lives. I only know that [her name] does, and what you perceive as her "favored" status is just a reflection of how much time and energy she puts into being an active participant in our lives. I'm not asking you to do the same -- you are who you are, and you are free to make the choices you make -- and I never would have mentioned it, if you hadn't sent the letter. It was passive-aggressive, it was rude, and frankly you're lucky we love you as much as we do or we would have just ignored it, and ignored you. But we do love you, very much, so that's why I'm here. You want to get all worked up about a piece of jewelry, you go right ahead, but we didn't make a so-called "choice" to exclude you from some giant gift-giving extravaganza. [her name] has been through some awful stuff, and has done some amazing stuff for us at the same time, and she totally deserves that gift. It had nothing to do with you, and frankly I'm disappointed in you both for being so focused on it. You want to be part of our lives? Great! We love you and we want you to be part of our lives. Please. But if you feel like wasting your time comparing yourself to [her name], or comparing our treatment of all of you, or any other such garbage, get over it, and come join the rest of us in creating a loving and supportive environment for [your child's name]. Just remember, we love you -- I love you -- very much, or I wouldn't be putting all this out there. What do you say?"
Of course, that's just the kind of thing I'd do (from a level of abrasion perspective, tough love and all that) so you might need to tailor it. But the gist is, confront them openly about their bad behavior, but also with open arms to say 'stop being silly and just be family', and whatever else you do, don't be apologetic about the gift situation or get bogged down in it, because it's not what's really important, and they should feel bad about making it important.
posted by davejay at 10:48 PM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
Go over to their house -- they're only six miles away -- and sit 'em down. Then do something like this:
"I read your letter, and I'm disappointed that you didn't feel like you could just come over and talk to me about it. But that's why I'm here, and it was easy to come over, because you're only six miles away. Ultimately, with you living so close, I don't know why we don't see more of you. I don't know why you don't take a more active role in our lives. I only know that [her name] does, and what you perceive as her "favored" status is just a reflection of how much time and energy she puts into being an active participant in our lives. I'm not asking you to do the same -- you are who you are, and you are free to make the choices you make -- and I never would have mentioned it, if you hadn't sent the letter. It was passive-aggressive, it was rude, and frankly you're lucky we love you as much as we do or we would have just ignored it, and ignored you. But we do love you, very much, so that's why I'm here. You want to get all worked up about a piece of jewelry, you go right ahead, but we didn't make a so-called "choice" to exclude you from some giant gift-giving extravaganza. [her name] has been through some awful stuff, and has done some amazing stuff for us at the same time, and she totally deserves that gift. It had nothing to do with you, and frankly I'm disappointed in you both for being so focused on it. You want to be part of our lives? Great! We love you and we want you to be part of our lives. Please. But if you feel like wasting your time comparing yourself to [her name], or comparing our treatment of all of you, or any other such garbage, get over it, and come join the rest of us in creating a loving and supportive environment for [your child's name]. Just remember, we love you -- I love you -- very much, or I wouldn't be putting all this out there. What do you say?"
Of course, that's just the kind of thing I'd do (from a level of abrasion perspective, tough love and all that) so you might need to tailor it. But the gist is, confront them openly about their bad behavior, but also with open arms to say 'stop being silly and just be family', and whatever else you do, don't be apologetic about the gift situation or get bogged down in it, because it's not what's really important, and they should feel bad about making it important.
posted by davejay at 10:48 PM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
All I know is, do what you can to nip it in the bud now! My extended family is riddled with the most ridiculous, childish little jealousies and guilt trips about stuff like this. Some of it has been going on for 50 years. Good grief.
posted by ian1977 at 11:12 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by ian1977 at 11:12 PM on May 25, 2010
Well, just like one of the cardinal rules of raising siblings is to avoid making comparisons between them (and even so, they go looking for any evidence of favoritism, through their own biased lenses), I think you should approach this in a way that downplays the comparison. Instead, focus on figuring out/finding out from your parents what you all can be doing differently from here on out so that they will feel loved, appreciated and included in your lives and thoughts.
Without anger and hostility, please.
posted by drlith at 5:01 AM on May 26, 2010
Without anger and hostility, please.
posted by drlith at 5:01 AM on May 26, 2010
Best answer: I have a question: Is this really about your kid? Really, really about your kid?
Because it seems to me it's about your wife and her mother, not you and your mother or, even, your kid.
It sounds like your mother-in-law went through a lot --- hospice care for her brother, her brother dying, a difficult grieving process that led, understandably, to some poor decisions and bad outcomes. But she came out of that, it sounds like, with grace, acceptance, and humility. And along the way, yeah, sure she spent time with your daughter and reveled in being a grandmother. It also sounds like she did so by her own choice, and I could be seeing too much here, but it sounds like --- after having and while going through all she did, your mother in law needed something life affirming. What's more life affirming than your grandkid? Maybe her hanging out with you and your daughter and bringing meals over was a more self-serving thing than it seems. Maybe she did it because she needed it. And I mean this in a positive way.
Then the anniversary of her brother's death comes along, and it's also an anniversary of the grieving process and those questionable decisions that led to problems that she with grace and humility got through. So your wife, who lost an uncle when your mother in law lost her brother, decides to acknowledge all of this with a special gift that she picked out?
And your mother finds out about this gift and thinks it has to do with grandparenting? And sure, some of it does. A lot of it does, but geez, I think it has a lot more to do with what your mother-in-law and your wife --- let's not forget she lost an uncle when her mother lost a brother --- went through than it does with what she's done for you. What it comes down to, as I'm reading this, is that your wife bought her mother a special gift to acknowledge the pain, loss, and difficulties around the anniversary of all of that.
Why not just just tell your mother it has nothing to do with your granddaughter and everything to do with your wife and her mother losing someone special to them and your wife wanting to doing something special for her own mother because of that? Why not just tell your mother it has to do with your wife's family and their particular and somewhat recent hardships? Because to me, reading this, it seems the grandparenting is part of it by no means everything or possibly even the bulk of it.
posted by zizzle at 6:49 AM on May 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Because it seems to me it's about your wife and her mother, not you and your mother or, even, your kid.
It sounds like your mother-in-law went through a lot --- hospice care for her brother, her brother dying, a difficult grieving process that led, understandably, to some poor decisions and bad outcomes. But she came out of that, it sounds like, with grace, acceptance, and humility. And along the way, yeah, sure she spent time with your daughter and reveled in being a grandmother. It also sounds like she did so by her own choice, and I could be seeing too much here, but it sounds like --- after having and while going through all she did, your mother in law needed something life affirming. What's more life affirming than your grandkid? Maybe her hanging out with you and your daughter and bringing meals over was a more self-serving thing than it seems. Maybe she did it because she needed it. And I mean this in a positive way.
Then the anniversary of her brother's death comes along, and it's also an anniversary of the grieving process and those questionable decisions that led to problems that she with grace and humility got through. So your wife, who lost an uncle when your mother in law lost her brother, decides to acknowledge all of this with a special gift that she picked out?
And your mother finds out about this gift and thinks it has to do with grandparenting? And sure, some of it does. A lot of it does, but geez, I think it has a lot more to do with what your mother-in-law and your wife --- let's not forget she lost an uncle when her mother lost a brother --- went through than it does with what she's done for you. What it comes down to, as I'm reading this, is that your wife bought her mother a special gift to acknowledge the pain, loss, and difficulties around the anniversary of all of that.
Why not just just tell your mother it has nothing to do with your granddaughter and everything to do with your wife and her mother losing someone special to them and your wife wanting to doing something special for her own mother because of that? Why not just tell your mother it has to do with your wife's family and their particular and somewhat recent hardships? Because to me, reading this, it seems the grandparenting is part of it by no means everything or possibly even the bulk of it.
posted by zizzle at 6:49 AM on May 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so far, my Five-Dollar friends. My actual response has been somewhere inbetween desuetude and davejay's. zizzle has managed to summed it up very well. I have noticed that our elder's emotional needs do change as we all age, and am trying to be sensitive to this.
posted by No Shmoobles at 7:45 AM on May 26, 2010
posted by No Shmoobles at 7:45 AM on May 26, 2010
For the love of God, do not get drawn into analogies with other family situations, siblings, and all manner of crap. You'll just end up arguing about those as well. Especially do not turn it around and try to make this about their relative involvement with your child.
Being right in this situation has absolutely no value. Remember that.
The only thing you can do now is try to repair damage, even if it was inadvertent and is (frankly) a little off the wall. But I would also point out that you have framed the gift to your MIL as being not only about the dead uncle, but also about her relationship with your kid. I can absolutely see how if that message is being telegraphed or, God forbid, stated, that would be very hurtful to your mother.
So, really, I would make a frankly heroic effort to reframe this in a narrative where your mother can emerge with her value reaffirmed and her feelings soothed.
Dear Mom & Dad:
First of all, Wife and I are very sorry that this whole situation has caused pain and unhappiness for you. We never intended to hurt or slight you in any way. Please know that the broach Wife gave MIL was a gift intended to do nothing but acknowledge the role she played in caring for Uncle Ebert on the anniversary of his death. In no way was it intended to be a declaration of how we value her role in Baby Shmooble's life.
We value, appreciate and cherish your involvement with Baby Shmoobles enormously. We never take for granted how very lucky she is to have both of you for grandparents and the delight you bring her when she sees you.
I hope that you will accept this apology, knowing that we love and cherish you both as parents and grandparents.
Love,
Shmoobles and Mrs Shmoobles
posted by DarlingBri at 7:59 AM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Being right in this situation has absolutely no value. Remember that.
The only thing you can do now is try to repair damage, even if it was inadvertent and is (frankly) a little off the wall. But I would also point out that you have framed the gift to your MIL as being not only about the dead uncle, but also about her relationship with your kid. I can absolutely see how if that message is being telegraphed or, God forbid, stated, that would be very hurtful to your mother.
So, really, I would make a frankly heroic effort to reframe this in a narrative where your mother can emerge with her value reaffirmed and her feelings soothed.
Dear Mom & Dad:
First of all, Wife and I are very sorry that this whole situation has caused pain and unhappiness for you. We never intended to hurt or slight you in any way. Please know that the broach Wife gave MIL was a gift intended to do nothing but acknowledge the role she played in caring for Uncle Ebert on the anniversary of his death. In no way was it intended to be a declaration of how we value her role in Baby Shmooble's life.
We value, appreciate and cherish your involvement with Baby Shmoobles enormously. We never take for granted how very lucky she is to have both of you for grandparents and the delight you bring her when she sees you.
I hope that you will accept this apology, knowing that we love and cherish you both as parents and grandparents.
Love,
Shmoobles and Mrs Shmoobles
posted by DarlingBri at 7:59 AM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
frankly you're lucky we love you as much as we do or we would have just ignored it, and ignored you.
I see you favorited this answer, and I can understand why, as you must be incredibly angry, but unless you want this to turn into a gigantic feud where you all stop speaking to each other, then I suggest you NOT say anything like this. As soon as someone says to me something like, "You're LUCKY I love you..." I immediately think: Fuck you. I guarantee that a response like that will just fan the flames of the resentment that they clearly feel (justified or not).
I'm inclined to agree with those who say calm down, then address their feelings, and not the way that they expressed them. A few years ago I had a huge fight with my mother: She did something that crossed the boundary-line of acceptable behavior, and my response was a bit high and mighty and over the top. In retrospect, what she did was not that horrible, it was along the same lines as what your parents have done, she felt slighted and reacted immaturely. Had I calmed down and talked to her with kindness and tried to see things from her perspective, I probably would've been able to bring about the resolution I wanted. Instead, it is 3 years later and we are still barely speaking, and it just doesn't seem worth it.
posted by cottonswab at 10:23 AM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I see you favorited this answer, and I can understand why, as you must be incredibly angry, but unless you want this to turn into a gigantic feud where you all stop speaking to each other, then I suggest you NOT say anything like this. As soon as someone says to me something like, "You're LUCKY I love you..." I immediately think: Fuck you. I guarantee that a response like that will just fan the flames of the resentment that they clearly feel (justified or not).
I'm inclined to agree with those who say calm down, then address their feelings, and not the way that they expressed them. A few years ago I had a huge fight with my mother: She did something that crossed the boundary-line of acceptable behavior, and my response was a bit high and mighty and over the top. In retrospect, what she did was not that horrible, it was along the same lines as what your parents have done, she felt slighted and reacted immaturely. Had I calmed down and talked to her with kindness and tried to see things from her perspective, I probably would've been able to bring about the resolution I wanted. Instead, it is 3 years later and we are still barely speaking, and it just doesn't seem worth it.
posted by cottonswab at 10:23 AM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with cottonswab. We have one grandparent who "keeps track" -- she cried when her mother's day card was delayed in the mail and the other grandma's got there on time, because it was proof we loved the other grandma more, because CLEARLY I CONTROL THE MAIL WITH MY MIND. We were soothing for DAYS. If you take davejay's tack (and I appreciate its straightforwardness and clarity, I really do), what she is going to hear is, "We don't like your behavior, which means we don't like YOU. We don't value your feelings, which means we don't value YOU. And you're lucky we let you be in your life at all." This will kick the drama up several notches, rather than bringing it back down, because it will be a validation of her perception that you don't love her as much as you love the other grandma.
Your mother is reacting the way she is because she loves you. It's an ungenerous way of expressing love, but it is LOVE, and if you try to react with generosity rather than ratcheting up the selfishness and hurt, I think you'll get a better outcome. Yes, you have to be the bigger person. (And, really, if your mother hasn't been a toxic influence in your life, are you going to feel good about compounding her hurt feelings?)
One last note -- how old is your mother? Is she getting elderly or having health problems? Changes in behavior can signal health problems or the early stages of dementia. If this is truly out of the blue and there's no rationale for her behavior and it's out of character, I'd not only be concerned about this specific situation, but I'd be worried about making sure she was healthy.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:51 AM on May 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your mother is reacting the way she is because she loves you. It's an ungenerous way of expressing love, but it is LOVE, and if you try to react with generosity rather than ratcheting up the selfishness and hurt, I think you'll get a better outcome. Yes, you have to be the bigger person. (And, really, if your mother hasn't been a toxic influence in your life, are you going to feel good about compounding her hurt feelings?)
One last note -- how old is your mother? Is she getting elderly or having health problems? Changes in behavior can signal health problems or the early stages of dementia. If this is truly out of the blue and there's no rationale for her behavior and it's out of character, I'd not only be concerned about this specific situation, but I'd be worried about making sure she was healthy.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:51 AM on May 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Parents have an incredible ability to make us feel guilty.
Before you act, consider how much of your anger is due to the guilt your mother's letter makes you feel.
And then, don't let the guilt govern your actions. Because you have done nothing wrong. Don't let the guilt make you act aggressively or apologise. You have no reason to feel guilty.
If instead you counter with wisdom, if you find away to talk rationally with your parents about what really went wrong (surely, this incident is only one of many?) and how to improve it, you will make your own life a lot easier and happier.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:44 PM on May 26, 2010
Before you act, consider how much of your anger is due to the guilt your mother's letter makes you feel.
And then, don't let the guilt govern your actions. Because you have done nothing wrong. Don't let the guilt make you act aggressively or apologise. You have no reason to feel guilty.
If instead you counter with wisdom, if you find away to talk rationally with your parents about what really went wrong (surely, this incident is only one of many?) and how to improve it, you will make your own life a lot easier and happier.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:44 PM on May 26, 2010
I concur with those saying I missed the mark, and encourage you to consider my advice (if you do) reframed as they suggest. Thank you both for the sanity check there.
posted by davejay at 3:24 PM on May 26, 2010
posted by davejay at 3:24 PM on May 26, 2010
Response by poster: davejay's answer stays a favorite, as upon reflection, this resolution scenario seems most like those that have worked in the past in my particular family.
Developments...
It would seem there are indications that my mother in law may have been chatting with my parents about this situation, further incriminating my parents in not including me in their problem from the beginning.
Discussing this with Mrs. Shmoobles reveals that my parents have demonstrated this behavior in the past... multiple times.
Eyebrows McGee gets credit also, as the notion of the health and soundness of mind of my folks occurred to me, too.
posted by No Shmoobles at 7:14 PM on May 26, 2010
Developments...
It would seem there are indications that my mother in law may have been chatting with my parents about this situation, further incriminating my parents in not including me in their problem from the beginning.
Discussing this with Mrs. Shmoobles reveals that my parents have demonstrated this behavior in the past... multiple times.
Eyebrows McGee gets credit also, as the notion of the health and soundness of mind of my folks occurred to me, too.
posted by No Shmoobles at 7:14 PM on May 26, 2010
Response by poster: So...mother in law in fact knew nothing about the genesis of this situation.
I could have let the issue go but needed to express my self to them further.
The result is that I have now been accused of a lifetime of not taking responsibility.
The five month gestation period of this issue has now been extended by about
twenty five years.
Stay posted to this MetaFilter thread!
Who's feelings will get hurt next?
Who will deny culpability?
When will they get family counseling?
These questions and many more will be answered when LOVE ME RIGHT NOW, DAMN YOU!
continues!
posted by No Shmoobles at 10:24 AM on May 27, 2010
I could have let the issue go but needed to express my self to them further.
The result is that I have now been accused of a lifetime of not taking responsibility.
The five month gestation period of this issue has now been extended by about
twenty five years.
Stay posted to this MetaFilter thread!
Who's feelings will get hurt next?
Who will deny culpability?
When will they get family counseling?
These questions and many more will be answered when LOVE ME RIGHT NOW, DAMN YOU!
continues!
posted by No Shmoobles at 10:24 AM on May 27, 2010
It's unbelievable what a mess a piece of jewelry can cause! I know it's probably not the jewelry, but rather what it symbolizes that's getting to your parents, but they should have the decency to answer your calls. The thing is that no matter how unreasonable families can be, in the end they are your flesh and blood and it's important to be on good terms so that you don't end up with regrets later. Since they won't answer your calls, you should consider sending them a letter and perhaps making suggestions for how to make them more active parts of your life (including your wife and son of course).
posted by HStern at 1:12 AM on July 11, 2010
posted by HStern at 1:12 AM on July 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by notsnot at 8:34 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]