Long lost friends or finally making a move???
May 24, 2010 12:14 AM Subscribe
Is he asking me out to hangout and catch up on old times or is he asking me out on a real date?
So an old friend from elementary, middle, and high school and I just found one another on a social networking website. We've been talking for the past 6 months casually, but ever since my recent breakup in February, he's been chatting it up with me more (but only online). Recently, (because I have my # on my page) he texted me asked if I wanted to grab some coffee and "reconnect." He acknowledged that we were both fairly busy, but he wanted "us" to schedule a weekend to hang out. Yup, "weekend." Plus, there is this awesome festival that is coming up that I have never been to, even as a local in my town, and he said he has gone a few times and wanted to check out the event with me.
Ever since this text conversation, we have texted one other time and it ended with him making a comment about wanting to definitely see me. Mefites: I have been out of the dating game for years and I've never really dated anyone. The guys I end up with start as boyfriends...so that awkward, but exciting, moment of casually dating has never been an experience I have had.
Is this a guy, who I have been good friends with throughout school, FINALLY making a move? We've always been good friends, flirted as young'uns, but nothing ever happened. Every single one of my female friends always commented how jealous they were of our friendship because he never really dated a lot during school. OR, is this him just wanting to catch up? We were good friends, but we were never really close. I mean, we never hung out outside of school, never talked during summer breaks, etc., so I can't imagine him thinking we lost this great connection. And if this is him asking me out....how do I go about avoiding being pinned in the "friend zone?" I won't lie, I've had a crush on him since 6th grade...but that was as a teenager!
So an old friend from elementary, middle, and high school and I just found one another on a social networking website. We've been talking for the past 6 months casually, but ever since my recent breakup in February, he's been chatting it up with me more (but only online). Recently, (because I have my # on my page) he texted me asked if I wanted to grab some coffee and "reconnect." He acknowledged that we were both fairly busy, but he wanted "us" to schedule a weekend to hang out. Yup, "weekend." Plus, there is this awesome festival that is coming up that I have never been to, even as a local in my town, and he said he has gone a few times and wanted to check out the event with me.
Ever since this text conversation, we have texted one other time and it ended with him making a comment about wanting to definitely see me. Mefites: I have been out of the dating game for years and I've never really dated anyone. The guys I end up with start as boyfriends...so that awkward, but exciting, moment of casually dating has never been an experience I have had.
Is this a guy, who I have been good friends with throughout school, FINALLY making a move? We've always been good friends, flirted as young'uns, but nothing ever happened. Every single one of my female friends always commented how jealous they were of our friendship because he never really dated a lot during school. OR, is this him just wanting to catch up? We were good friends, but we were never really close. I mean, we never hung out outside of school, never talked during summer breaks, etc., so I can't imagine him thinking we lost this great connection. And if this is him asking me out....how do I go about avoiding being pinned in the "friend zone?" I won't lie, I've had a crush on him since 6th grade...but that was as a teenager!
You're overthinking this. I sympathize, because I do exactly the same thing when I'm single.
Is this a guy, who I have been good friends with throughout school, FINALLY making a move?
Probably, but you won't find out for sure by asking on the internet.
how do I go about avoiding being pinned in the "friend zone?"
Go for coffee or go to the festival with him. Flirt in person. Kiss him goodbye if you're still not sure by the end of the night. It's that simple!
posted by ripley_ at 12:29 AM on May 24, 2010
Is this a guy, who I have been good friends with throughout school, FINALLY making a move?
Probably, but you won't find out for sure by asking on the internet.
how do I go about avoiding being pinned in the "friend zone?"
Go for coffee or go to the festival with him. Flirt in person. Kiss him goodbye if you're still not sure by the end of the night. It's that simple!
posted by ripley_ at 12:29 AM on May 24, 2010
(And I'm not trying to be glib or anything— if you're like me, you overthink these things to the point of paralysis so it's nice to have some rules.)
posted by yaymukund at 12:32 AM on May 24, 2010
posted by yaymukund at 12:32 AM on May 24, 2010
Response by poster: yeah, i see what you guys are saying....i just have been out of the dating loop (even the hanging out with male friends as a single gal loop) and found myself getting excited over this. and i really didn't think i would be getting this excited being under 4 months into my singleness.
posted by penguingrl at 12:34 AM on May 24, 2010
posted by penguingrl at 12:34 AM on May 24, 2010
I think if you want this to have any chance, you need to relax and not be all waiting for this since 6th grade.
With the huge intense crush thing, it's really hard (impossible) to tell the tone of him asking you out. For example, I might ask a friend which weekend works for them, without actually meaning "I will take up your whole weekend".
Anyway, you just need to fix yourself firmly in the Now. You'd enjoy spending time with him regardless of his intention, right? So pick a time, and don't worry about the rest. When you get there, you can flirt with (or not) the guy he is now (the line "you look great!" is traditional), and just worry about all the things you would normally worry about... do you have common interests now, are you in compatible places in life now, and so on. Let the past, and your expectations of this guy, go.
posted by anaelith at 12:58 AM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
With the huge intense crush thing, it's really hard (impossible) to tell the tone of him asking you out. For example, I might ask a friend which weekend works for them, without actually meaning "I will take up your whole weekend".
Anyway, you just need to fix yourself firmly in the Now. You'd enjoy spending time with him regardless of his intention, right? So pick a time, and don't worry about the rest. When you get there, you can flirt with (or not) the guy he is now (the line "you look great!" is traditional), and just worry about all the things you would normally worry about... do you have common interests now, are you in compatible places in life now, and so on. Let the past, and your expectations of this guy, go.
posted by anaelith at 12:58 AM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
This is going to be difficult, but just try hanging out without having any expectations, and see what happens. You'll have a much better sense of what the situation is when you see him in person. Texting or online communication just can't give you the same connection. It's much better if you can read someone's tone, read their body language, and see how they respond to you (and you to them) in real time.
posted by number9dream at 1:20 AM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by number9dream at 1:20 AM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oy, this happened to me and did not end well. Mostly due to my inflated expectations. Plus, even though you've been in contact, you don't really know this guy. You know who he was and you think that means you know who he is. Not the same thing.
I'm not sure how much time has passed since you last spent real-life time with this guy, but believe me when I write that memory isn't fact and we tend to give people we esteemed attributes over time that they may not have.
And everything I write here goes for him, too. You need to ratchet-down your expectations. Time changes us all, and neither of you are who you once were.
Email me if you want my own experience with this issue -- I've been through it twice and neither time ended well.
posted by kidelo at 3:51 AM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure how much time has passed since you last spent real-life time with this guy, but believe me when I write that memory isn't fact and we tend to give people we esteemed attributes over time that they may not have.
And everything I write here goes for him, too. You need to ratchet-down your expectations. Time changes us all, and neither of you are who you once were.
Email me if you want my own experience with this issue -- I've been through it twice and neither time ended well.
posted by kidelo at 3:51 AM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Wise man say, "Only fools rush in."
Just hang out with him first to gauge his level of romantic interest. Unless he's explicit with his intent via text or email, then you have to wait until you meet for more clarity.
posted by inturnaround at 5:43 AM on May 24, 2010
Just hang out with him first to gauge his level of romantic interest. Unless he's explicit with his intent via text or email, then you have to wait until you meet for more clarity.
posted by inturnaround at 5:43 AM on May 24, 2010
He's interested in you but wants to meet up and see what things are like now. And you feel the same, so looks like you're going to get your fun experience of casual dating.
You know what to do not to get in the friends zone, so if you're feeling it do the right things.
posted by Not Supplied at 9:07 AM on May 24, 2010
You know what to do not to get in the friends zone, so if you're feeling it do the right things.
posted by Not Supplied at 9:07 AM on May 24, 2010
Nthing everybody above. None of us know if he's hitting on you or not, but to be honest, it doesn't matter all that much. If he wants to, and you decide you want to after seeing him, you should go out. If one of those things isn't true, then you shouldn't. If after you meet to "reconnect" you're still not sure but are interested in spending more time with him, you should do something again. Rinse and repeat.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 10:05 AM on May 24, 2010
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 10:05 AM on May 24, 2010
To me it seems very clear that he's interested in something more than just friends. But as others said, he may have changed, you may have changed, memories may be faulty. So while I think you can consider this to be more of a date than a "just friends" thing, you should probably still temper your expectations as best as you can, because he may not be "all that and a bag of chips" after all.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:14 AM on May 24, 2010
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:14 AM on May 24, 2010
I second MexicanYenta.
And while I hate to be all stereotype-y...if he insists on paying, it's probably a date.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:23 PM on May 24, 2010
And while I hate to be all stereotype-y...if he insists on paying, it's probably a date.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:23 PM on May 24, 2010
"Is this a guy, who I have been good friends with throughout school, FINALLY making a move?"
Y'know... if you're interested in him, you can be the one to FINALLY make a move. It's not the 1800s anymore. Hell, it's not the 1900s for that matter. Women even vote now :)
posted by 2oh1 at 9:15 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Y'know... if you're interested in him, you can be the one to FINALLY make a move. It's not the 1800s anymore. Hell, it's not the 1900s for that matter. Women even vote now :)
posted by 2oh1 at 9:15 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: well, we exchanged #s and have casually over a week now and he still has not set a date/time when to meet up. but when he does text, he is always considerate, flirty, and very sweet. i think it would be safe to assume this is just a "friends" thing for him. i hate to quote the movie, but i'm pretty sure he's not in to me if he ain't calling me.
posted by penguingrl at 7:09 PM on May 26, 2010
posted by penguingrl at 7:09 PM on May 26, 2010
Or else you both got yourself in the friend zone by mistake. You might not be comfortable with making the first move as a girl, but remember it's a complicated world we live in and you might have to facilitate it happening in some way.
posted by Not Supplied at 11:03 PM on May 26, 2010
posted by Not Supplied at 11:03 PM on May 26, 2010
Response by poster: well, every time we text, it's been my initiation. ugh, i hate to overanalyze this, but i know that is exactly what i am doing. i remember him being pretty shy @ school, so i am trying to attest it to that. but he'll text me once or twice and he never gives me any specific information about himself. (ex: how was your weekend? is answered by "too short" and silence for a few days).
i would totally go with him this weekend, but he hasn't brought anything up about meeting. and with how he's been just texting (albeit sweet and cute), it really hasn't given me much motivation to make the first move, otherwise i would. i don't mind remaining friends with him, but he was the one that suggested this a week ago, i figured, if he meant it, he would be all gung-ho to suggest it again with the weekend coming up. it's weird though, on facebook, he comments and then deletes his posts before i could read them. i'm not really sure what's going on.
posted by penguingrl at 11:26 PM on May 26, 2010
i would totally go with him this weekend, but he hasn't brought anything up about meeting. and with how he's been just texting (albeit sweet and cute), it really hasn't given me much motivation to make the first move, otherwise i would. i don't mind remaining friends with him, but he was the one that suggested this a week ago, i figured, if he meant it, he would be all gung-ho to suggest it again with the weekend coming up. it's weird though, on facebook, he comments and then deletes his posts before i could read them. i'm not really sure what's going on.
posted by penguingrl at 11:26 PM on May 26, 2010
Oh right I spose you'll have to see what happens then. Shame about that.
posted by Not Supplied at 11:35 PM on May 26, 2010
posted by Not Supplied at 11:35 PM on May 26, 2010
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posted by yaymukund at 12:26 AM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]