I know there are lots of 'recent immigrant' resources for my husband, but can anyone help me get through this?
May 18, 2010 5:48 PM Subscribe
I knew this would be a hard time, but I had no idea how hard it would be. Please, help me get through it.
This might be a bit of a long shot, because it's a pretty specific request, but I need to give it a try.
My husband recently immigrated from a developing country to Toronto. In many respects he is doing well, but the job search has been tough, and he is not happy with the way it is gone.
It took him about 5 weeks to find a job, which in his mind was way too long. By the end of it, I was worried how much longer we could take since he was becoming more depressed and miserable. He has high expectations, and a lot of stress since he has family at home that he needs to support. The fact that everyone was telling him that he was doing wonderfully didn't seem to matter to him.
That first job was pretty awful (long commute, not particularly safe, serious problems with repetitive stress injuries), so when he got a second job, he waited two weeks, then quit the first. Three days later the second job let him go citing difficulties with his language (which I don't entirely believe, but that's neither here nor there). His English is excellent and I know firsthand that he's a hard worker.
The first job won't take him back since they just hired 5 new guys, and now we're back at the beginning. Only he's angry and hurt, and lashing out at me because I wanted him to quit the unsafe job. In this moment, where he is so frustrated and upset, I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home. I have lived in his country and I could again, but a life there means that we will always struggle to get by, and won't be able to help his family the way that we will eventually be able to here.
There are a tonne of resources in Toronto for finding a job if you're a new Canadian, but that is not what we need right now. I know how to find a job, it's the delay before he gets another one that might just do us both in. My questions are:
1. Does anyone know of any supports/groups for people who have sponsored recent immigrants? Everything is focused on him, and he is definitely having the harder experience, but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold us both up while trying to manage my relatively-stressful job. And I can't take a break from that both because I am the boss and because we need at least one income. I really feel like I'm sitting on the ledge right now.
2. I know that there are a tonne of 'how to find a job' resources for him, but do you know of anything that would help him deal with the adjustment. It would have to be suitably 'manly'. In his country of origin, therapy is not socially acceptable. Some sort of mentoring program would be ideal.
Due to the fact that we're down to one income, any solution needs to be affordable or free.
I appreciate any help you can give me. Throwaway email - spousalsponsorship@hotmail.com
This might be a bit of a long shot, because it's a pretty specific request, but I need to give it a try.
My husband recently immigrated from a developing country to Toronto. In many respects he is doing well, but the job search has been tough, and he is not happy with the way it is gone.
It took him about 5 weeks to find a job, which in his mind was way too long. By the end of it, I was worried how much longer we could take since he was becoming more depressed and miserable. He has high expectations, and a lot of stress since he has family at home that he needs to support. The fact that everyone was telling him that he was doing wonderfully didn't seem to matter to him.
That first job was pretty awful (long commute, not particularly safe, serious problems with repetitive stress injuries), so when he got a second job, he waited two weeks, then quit the first. Three days later the second job let him go citing difficulties with his language (which I don't entirely believe, but that's neither here nor there). His English is excellent and I know firsthand that he's a hard worker.
The first job won't take him back since they just hired 5 new guys, and now we're back at the beginning. Only he's angry and hurt, and lashing out at me because I wanted him to quit the unsafe job. In this moment, where he is so frustrated and upset, I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home. I have lived in his country and I could again, but a life there means that we will always struggle to get by, and won't be able to help his family the way that we will eventually be able to here.
There are a tonne of resources in Toronto for finding a job if you're a new Canadian, but that is not what we need right now. I know how to find a job, it's the delay before he gets another one that might just do us both in. My questions are:
1. Does anyone know of any supports/groups for people who have sponsored recent immigrants? Everything is focused on him, and he is definitely having the harder experience, but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold us both up while trying to manage my relatively-stressful job. And I can't take a break from that both because I am the boss and because we need at least one income. I really feel like I'm sitting on the ledge right now.
2. I know that there are a tonne of 'how to find a job' resources for him, but do you know of anything that would help him deal with the adjustment. It would have to be suitably 'manly'. In his country of origin, therapy is not socially acceptable. Some sort of mentoring program would be ideal.
Due to the fact that we're down to one income, any solution needs to be affordable or free.
I appreciate any help you can give me. Throwaway email - spousalsponsorship@hotmail.com
"It would have to be suitably 'manly'." ... "Some sort of mentoring program would be ideal."
I don't know how it works in Canada, but in the U.S., many skilled tradespeople (e.g., plumbers, electricians, carpenters, etc.) begin their careers either by working as an apprentice to an experienced person in their trade or through a formal training/apprenticeship program for their trade.
Many immigrant communities are tightly knit and full of people willing to lend a hand to new arrivals from the old country. If there is a local community for people from your husband's country of origin, he could network within that community to find a fellow countryman working in a trade he's interested in and ask that person for advice on how to get started in that trade. That person might even be willing to hire him as an apprentice or help him find someone who would.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:05 PM on May 18, 2010
I don't know how it works in Canada, but in the U.S., many skilled tradespeople (e.g., plumbers, electricians, carpenters, etc.) begin their careers either by working as an apprentice to an experienced person in their trade or through a formal training/apprenticeship program for their trade.
Many immigrant communities are tightly knit and full of people willing to lend a hand to new arrivals from the old country. If there is a local community for people from your husband's country of origin, he could network within that community to find a fellow countryman working in a trade he's interested in and ask that person for advice on how to get started in that trade. That person might even be willing to hire him as an apprentice or help him find someone who would.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:05 PM on May 18, 2010
Only he's angry and hurt, and lashing out at me because I wanted him to quit the unsafe job. In this moment, where he is so frustrated and upset, I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home.
This would be a bad thing? Get someone he respects to lay down the law and tell him that this kind of behavior is not helping either you, him, or his family. If he is blaming you already for semi-random bad luck this is not a great sign.
posted by benzenedream at 6:44 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
This would be a bad thing? Get someone he respects to lay down the law and tell him that this kind of behavior is not helping either you, him, or his family. If he is blaming you already for semi-random bad luck this is not a great sign.
posted by benzenedream at 6:44 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
The Mennonites do a lot of work to help new immigrants. See theMennonite New Life Centre of Toronto. I notice that they offer family and marital counseling. I'm sure they would be willing to help you, or help find support for you. Good luck.
posted by kitcat at 6:51 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kitcat at 6:51 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have this one, anecdotal thing that you might share with your husband, to help him feel a bit better about himself personally: my (college-educated, non-immigrant, talented and intelligent and strong work-ethic) wife has been out of work for over a year, with no end in sight, and we have a friend whose husband has been out of work for three years now, despite being a college-educated, non-immigrant, talented and intelligent and strong work-ethic person.
In short: the job market sucks right now, and despite his recent immigrant status, he has managed to at least land two jobs (exactly two more than both my wife and our friend's husband.) In my book, that makes him a pretty damn desirable and talented employee suffering in a bad job market, not an unemployable immigrant, and I hope he can hold it together long enough for the job market to come to him.
And, in the meantime: set aside a fixed time per day to look for work, and spend the rest of the time volunteering and/or working for very little money on any job he can get, just to stay busy -- otherwise his idleness will wreak emotional havoc that his actual skills and talents don't deserve.
posted by davejay at 7:06 PM on May 18, 2010
In short: the job market sucks right now, and despite his recent immigrant status, he has managed to at least land two jobs (exactly two more than both my wife and our friend's husband.) In my book, that makes him a pretty damn desirable and talented employee suffering in a bad job market, not an unemployable immigrant, and I hope he can hold it together long enough for the job market to come to him.
And, in the meantime: set aside a fixed time per day to look for work, and spend the rest of the time volunteering and/or working for very little money on any job he can get, just to stay busy -- otherwise his idleness will wreak emotional havoc that his actual skills and talents don't deserve.
posted by davejay at 7:06 PM on May 18, 2010
Oh, and:
Only he's angry and hurt, and lashing out at me because I wanted him to quit the unsafe job. In this moment, where he is so frustrated and upset, I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home.
Don't fear it; embrace it. Tell him "Look, if you were a pathetic waste of a person, I would let you go right on working that dangerous job, because I'd worry you would never find another one. But you're not a pathetic waste; you're a strong, intelligent, useful and wonderful person, and I love you, and you will get another job, and a safer, better one. I don't want you dying before you have that chance. Now stop giving me such a hard time, and take out your frustration on the job market."
posted by davejay at 7:08 PM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Only he's angry and hurt, and lashing out at me because I wanted him to quit the unsafe job. In this moment, where he is so frustrated and upset, I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home.
Don't fear it; embrace it. Tell him "Look, if you were a pathetic waste of a person, I would let you go right on working that dangerous job, because I'd worry you would never find another one. But you're not a pathetic waste; you're a strong, intelligent, useful and wonderful person, and I love you, and you will get another job, and a safer, better one. I don't want you dying before you have that chance. Now stop giving me such a hard time, and take out your frustration on the job market."
posted by davejay at 7:08 PM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't have any resources for Toronto, because I'm in the Midwest, but I hope you already belong to groups for American women married to foreigners. When I was married to a Moroccan, it was a total lifesaver. If you need some help on where to find these groups, just email me at the address in my profile.
"I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home"
I doubt this. He's just frustrated, and under a lot of pressure from his family, who expect the cash to start rolling in via MoneyGram.
The last piece of advice - have him start *really* networking with others of his nationality who are established here. That's the way all the immigrants I know found jobs.
posted by HopperFan at 7:10 PM on May 18, 2010
"I fear that he'll pack it all in and go home"
I doubt this. He's just frustrated, and under a lot of pressure from his family, who expect the cash to start rolling in via MoneyGram.
The last piece of advice - have him start *really* networking with others of his nationality who are established here. That's the way all the immigrants I know found jobs.
posted by HopperFan at 7:10 PM on May 18, 2010
For the time being, the best thing you can do is help him with his attitude. Whether they admit it or not, guys tend to break down a little when they feel like they can't provide. You can't fix the shitty economy, so my suggestion is to try and either empathize and give him an outlet, or smack him around and tell him to suck it up (you know him better than I do).
posted by Gilbert at 7:24 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by Gilbert at 7:24 PM on May 18, 2010
Not sure how it is in Canada but the economy in the US is pretty lousy and even people with excellent college records, lots of network contacts, and great work experience (not to mention they speak English perfectly) are having a hard time finding a job. He needs to suck it up and keep trying. I understand that people get bummed out because they are having financial difficulties but good attitude and character are important no matter what country you are in or what country you came from and his being grouchy with you isn't going to help him at all. He may want to do some volunteer work while he is waiting for a job so that maybe he can develop some more skills.
posted by MsKim at 8:46 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by MsKim at 8:46 PM on May 18, 2010
I know you weren't looking for job suggestions particularly, but if he has a car and a driver's license, he can be working as a courier starting tomorrow by walking into the dispatch offices of any of the major downtown courier companies (even if he doesn't have a car, he can work as a walking courier, but it pays less and he might might not find it manly enough).
http://www.qms-tor.com/
http://www.securedcourier.com/jobs.aspx
The pay is not great, but it's a real job and he really can be working tomorrow.
posted by 256 at 9:28 PM on May 18, 2010
http://www.qms-tor.com/
http://www.securedcourier.com/jobs.aspx
The pay is not great, but it's a real job and he really can be working tomorrow.
posted by 256 at 9:28 PM on May 18, 2010
Five weeks to find a job in this economy sounds pretty amazing to me.
posted by zsazsa at 11:26 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by zsazsa at 11:26 PM on May 18, 2010
i've seen a ton of ads for the YMCA newcomer job services on the TTC recently, here's what i could find: http://www.ymcatoronto.org/en/newcomers/get-a-job/index.html
posted by crawfo at 7:03 AM on May 19, 2010
posted by crawfo at 7:03 AM on May 19, 2010
Does your workplace offer EAP? That is free counselling for you because you need to be able to vent to someone else and discuss coping strategies for you. If nothing is available through your work call 211, there are free family services you can access. You also need to carve "me time" for yourself away from your stressful job and stressed home life. Gong to the library and reading a book in peace and quiet is free, or even going for a walk around your block in the evening would be great.
Encourage him to volunteer in an area he is interested in, not just because it will keep him busy and make him feel useful but because most jobs are found through a network and he needs to expand his network. Failing that, even a min wage part-time job at Tim Hortons gets an income in and benefits while he is looking for work.
posted by saucysault at 7:22 AM on May 19, 2010
Encourage him to volunteer in an area he is interested in, not just because it will keep him busy and make him feel useful but because most jobs are found through a network and he needs to expand his network. Failing that, even a min wage part-time job at Tim Hortons gets an income in and benefits while he is looking for work.
posted by saucysault at 7:22 AM on May 19, 2010
Which end of Toronto are you in? Multi-service organizations like COSTI, Woodgreen or St Stephen's House could direct you to support counselling. The YMCA closest to you could likely also help direct you.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:06 AM on May 19, 2010
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:06 AM on May 19, 2010
Oh, you say not therapy. Well, those same organizations I mentioned above could help you with other ideas for your your husband (and you, too.)
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:11 AM on May 19, 2010
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:11 AM on May 19, 2010
I don't know of any support groups for spouses of sponsored immigrants, but here are some links where you might be able to find that:
General settlement services
More focused on mental health, but there might be something useful for you: Across Boundaries
City of Toronto Immigration Portal
The Mentoring Partnership - sounds like what your husband is looking for.
If he doesn't want to go to therapy, maybe you should check out therapy for yourself:
Therapy from a general practitioner or family doctor is covered by OHIP.
Also, check out your local library for postings. I see flyers for groups and resources relating to settlement services all the time posted there.
Do you have a support network here, friends that you could talk to? Does your workplace have benefits, e.g. can they cover therapy sessions (for you)? Help is out there. You just have to ask (just like you did in this mefi post!). And I'm sure you and husband know how to get jobs. But sometimes it's good just to get a third party's feedback on job searching, his resume, how he interviews, etc. It's also a good chance to network and meet people. And yeah, he should definitely link in with people from his nationality here.
posted by foxjacket at 7:48 PM on May 19, 2010
General settlement services
More focused on mental health, but there might be something useful for you: Across Boundaries
City of Toronto Immigration Portal
The Mentoring Partnership - sounds like what your husband is looking for.
If he doesn't want to go to therapy, maybe you should check out therapy for yourself:
Therapy from a general practitioner or family doctor is covered by OHIP.
Also, check out your local library for postings. I see flyers for groups and resources relating to settlement services all the time posted there.
Do you have a support network here, friends that you could talk to? Does your workplace have benefits, e.g. can they cover therapy sessions (for you)? Help is out there. You just have to ask (just like you did in this mefi post!). And I'm sure you and husband know how to get jobs. But sometimes it's good just to get a third party's feedback on job searching, his resume, how he interviews, etc. It's also a good chance to network and meet people. And yeah, he should definitely link in with people from his nationality here.
posted by foxjacket at 7:48 PM on May 19, 2010
If your husband is of South Asian descent, you could look into the New Horizon project at Human Endeavour. It's located in the suburbs, but I'm sure it could help.
posted by yawper at 8:34 PM on May 19, 2010
posted by yawper at 8:34 PM on May 19, 2010
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posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:56 PM on May 18, 2010