a crushing dilemma
May 14, 2010 9:11 AM Subscribe
My coworker has a huge crush on me. What I can I do to put him off without causing a bunch of office drama?
I'm a junior associate in a large tax litigation practice. It's a very collegial workplace, and all the low-level counsel like to go out for drinks together as a way to blow off steam. It's been wonderful to work in such a social atmosphere, after the backstabbing and infighting at my former firm nearly destroyed my love for legal work.
The only fly in the ointment is one of my colleagues appears to have developed a huge crush on me. He isn't sexually harassing me -- we're on the same level of the food chain, and he hasn't done anything inappropriate -- but his mooning is becoming more and more blatant. He's in and out of my office throughout the workday, making conversation on the flimsiest of pretexts while I am trying to get things done. He feels the need to constantly talk up how great he is whenever we chat about a file (moreso than usual even for an attourney). When the group goes out, he makes sure to corner me and monopolize my time all evening.
I wish he would properly ask me out, because then I could properly turn him down. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, he can't seem to work himself up to making a move.
So how should I deal with this? Should I call him out on his behavior? Or should I wait and hope that it passes? My coworker isn't a bad guy, but I'm not particularly attracted to him, and I keep to a strict policy of not dating coworkers after having seen office romances go very wrong for many of my friends.
I'm one of only two women in our group of junior counsel, and my coworker is good friends with all the lads. I'm worried about things going sour for me with the group if I pick the wrong way to do this. I don't want to lose my good office atmosphere after finally finding my place in the profession.
I'm a junior associate in a large tax litigation practice. It's a very collegial workplace, and all the low-level counsel like to go out for drinks together as a way to blow off steam. It's been wonderful to work in such a social atmosphere, after the backstabbing and infighting at my former firm nearly destroyed my love for legal work.
The only fly in the ointment is one of my colleagues appears to have developed a huge crush on me. He isn't sexually harassing me -- we're on the same level of the food chain, and he hasn't done anything inappropriate -- but his mooning is becoming more and more blatant. He's in and out of my office throughout the workday, making conversation on the flimsiest of pretexts while I am trying to get things done. He feels the need to constantly talk up how great he is whenever we chat about a file (moreso than usual even for an attourney). When the group goes out, he makes sure to corner me and monopolize my time all evening.
I wish he would properly ask me out, because then I could properly turn him down. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, he can't seem to work himself up to making a move.
So how should I deal with this? Should I call him out on his behavior? Or should I wait and hope that it passes? My coworker isn't a bad guy, but I'm not particularly attracted to him, and I keep to a strict policy of not dating coworkers after having seen office romances go very wrong for many of my friends.
I'm one of only two women in our group of junior counsel, and my coworker is good friends with all the lads. I'm worried about things going sour for me with the group if I pick the wrong way to do this. I don't want to lose my good office atmosphere after finally finding my place in the profession.
Ask someone else out on a date and tell everyone all about it. Drop some hints that you only date ____ type of non-lawyers.
posted by T.D. Strange at 9:18 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by T.D. Strange at 9:18 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
This doesn't have to be complicated. Just casually mention your strict policy of never dating coworkers. There should be a way to slip that into just about any random conversation you're having. He'll get the hint.
posted by naju at 9:21 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by naju at 9:21 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think you should address his behavior directly without making assumptions about what feelings are motivating them. If he's interrupting your work by coming into your office, you could tell him that you prefer not to be interrupted so often, and would he mind sending you information or requests by email instead of coming over. If he's monopolizing your time at social gatherings, tell him that you'd like to make the rounds and talk to other people. If you get the chance to mention that you never date coworkers or that you only like guys with blond hair or that you're seeing someone or whatever is actually true for you, do that, but otherwise, just keep shutting down the behavior that is problematic.
posted by decathecting at 9:22 AM on May 14, 2010 [24 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 9:22 AM on May 14, 2010 [24 favorites]
Ugh, don't use French Fry's passive aggressive solution. Totally immature and hurtful.
You can probably shut this down by being brief and cool and professional with him. If he comes in to your office, exchange the minimum of conversational pleasantries and then tell him you have soooooo much work to do and won't keep him. Don't let him corner you and don't spend time talking to him. Avoid, avoid, avoid, and when you can't avoid, excuse yourself from his presence or conversation as quickly as possible.
He should get the idea pretty quickly. Also, don't discuss this with anyone at work. If you tell even one person the story will spread like wildfire, and it would be mean to let everyone else enjoy a laugh at his expense. Discourage the guy and he'll soon leave you alone and you can both forget the whole thing.
posted by orange swan at 9:25 AM on May 14, 2010 [7 favorites]
You can probably shut this down by being brief and cool and professional with him. If he comes in to your office, exchange the minimum of conversational pleasantries and then tell him you have soooooo much work to do and won't keep him. Don't let him corner you and don't spend time talking to him. Avoid, avoid, avoid, and when you can't avoid, excuse yourself from his presence or conversation as quickly as possible.
He should get the idea pretty quickly. Also, don't discuss this with anyone at work. If you tell even one person the story will spread like wildfire, and it would be mean to let everyone else enjoy a laugh at his expense. Discourage the guy and he'll soon leave you alone and you can both forget the whole thing.
posted by orange swan at 9:25 AM on May 14, 2010 [7 favorites]
I think you're going to have to pick between passive options (letting it known you have *other* love interests etc), semi passive options (getting someone to do your dirty work) or being direct.
The problem with the passive option is that the guy isn't going to go away and your love life isn't going to come into the workplace so he can still believe he's got the chance or just ignore your outside work life..
The problem with the other two options is that if he doesn't fancy you or doesn't enjoy rejection he may claim that he was never interested anyway and be a bit of a tool afterwards.
Tough call. I'd personally use a go-between to subtly find out and to say - as her own opinion - that she thinks you don't date at work and don't fancy him. If you want to avoid awkwardness it's going to be hard telling him directly you don't fancy him before he's told you he fancies you.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:25 AM on May 14, 2010
The problem with the passive option is that the guy isn't going to go away and your love life isn't going to come into the workplace so he can still believe he's got the chance or just ignore your outside work life..
The problem with the other two options is that if he doesn't fancy you or doesn't enjoy rejection he may claim that he was never interested anyway and be a bit of a tool afterwards.
Tough call. I'd personally use a go-between to subtly find out and to say - as her own opinion - that she thinks you don't date at work and don't fancy him. If you want to avoid awkwardness it's going to be hard telling him directly you don't fancy him before he's told you he fancies you.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:25 AM on May 14, 2010
I have used, and had used on me, the "I never date coworkers" line, and it's never caused drama. It only blows up if you then proceed to date a different coworker, so watch out for that.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:28 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 9:28 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
let the crush run its course. if, during its course, he asks you out, you will have the opportunity to turn him down. your refusal to date co-workers is a good, legitimate excuse. if he never gets the nerve, i believe it will most certainly cool off over time. you may end up with a great friend and the continued good relations with the rest of staff, if you let him save face in front of everyone.
posted by elle.jeezy at 9:40 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by elle.jeezy at 9:40 AM on May 14, 2010
It sounds like you may be doing things that sort of encourage him--not saying, "Sorry man, I've got a mountain of work to do right now. Catch you later?" when he comes to your office and not excusing yourself from the conversation when he tries to corner you at after-work drinks.
I'd do three things: first, try to be more aggressive in getting him to leave/leaving the conversation yourself when he makes up reasons to talk to you or corners you; second, find a way to mention your no-dating-coworkers policy in casual conversation ("crazy story from my old firm... blah blah blah... she got fired and he got demoted and blah blah anyway, that's why I never date coworkers"); and third, buddy up with someone next time you go for drinks (do you have any close friends in the group who could pretend to counter-monopolize you? or, is there anyone in the group who you genuinely find interesting enough that you could monopolize him for an evening--not necessarily in a flirtatious sense, just someone you could have a long conversation with?).
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:41 AM on May 14, 2010
I'd do three things: first, try to be more aggressive in getting him to leave/leaving the conversation yourself when he makes up reasons to talk to you or corners you; second, find a way to mention your no-dating-coworkers policy in casual conversation ("crazy story from my old firm... blah blah blah... she got fired and he got demoted and blah blah anyway, that's why I never date coworkers"); and third, buddy up with someone next time you go for drinks (do you have any close friends in the group who could pretend to counter-monopolize you? or, is there anyone in the group who you genuinely find interesting enough that you could monopolize him for an evening--not necessarily in a flirtatious sense, just someone you could have a long conversation with?).
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:41 AM on May 14, 2010
If you get the chance to mention that ... you only like guys with blond hair...
Oh, don't do that. There are about 50 ways it could backfire.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:42 AM on May 14, 2010
Oh, don't do that. There are about 50 ways it could backfire.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:42 AM on May 14, 2010
Be direct and professional which means telling him bluntly that you are getting the impression that he is harassing you. If he continues his "assumed" harassment then you will have to notify the supervisor and/or get a restraining order. Also say that you hope that your assumption is wrong. Unless he is a psycho, he will get the message and stop his behavior immediately.
posted by JJ86 at 9:42 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by JJ86 at 9:42 AM on May 14, 2010
Warning: I've used the "I don't date coworkers" line and it worked...until the guy quit and said, "I quit so that we can date! How's Friday?"
I agree with decathecting: address the behavior, not the feelings. Need to get him out of your office? "I need to get to work, can you send me an email with your thoughts?" Heck, I've called my office phone from my cellphone to get people gone. If he's talking himself up, just say, "That's nice." He should get the message (but then again, he sounds a little oblivious.)
For the after-hours stuff, I would ask someone you trust at work to be your rescuer. Or go grab a drink. Or go to the restroom. Or receive a phone call. It's not exactly fair - you should be able to tell him exactly how you feel, but that won't work with office politics.
It's possible that he'll end up asking you what's changed. I'm not sure what to say there - maybe something like "Your attention was interfering with my work." He can't really object to it.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:43 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
I agree with decathecting: address the behavior, not the feelings. Need to get him out of your office? "I need to get to work, can you send me an email with your thoughts?" Heck, I've called my office phone from my cellphone to get people gone. If he's talking himself up, just say, "That's nice." He should get the message (but then again, he sounds a little oblivious.)
For the after-hours stuff, I would ask someone you trust at work to be your rescuer. Or go grab a drink. Or go to the restroom. Or receive a phone call. It's not exactly fair - you should be able to tell him exactly how you feel, but that won't work with office politics.
It's possible that he'll end up asking you what's changed. I'm not sure what to say there - maybe something like "Your attention was interfering with my work." He can't really object to it.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:43 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Simply state that you are a firm believer in not getting involved in any way or dating a colleague in the same company because it leads to messes and hurt feelings and is ethically a No No for you.
posted by Postroad at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by Postroad at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2010
Should I call him out
Why make it a fight? These words mean you want to have a fight. Instead, be mature, and tell him how you feel. Use words, and make sure the words express what you mean. Don't play games. Don't try to make him "get the clue". Just talk to him.
posted by fritley at 9:48 AM on May 14, 2010
Why make it a fight? These words mean you want to have a fight. Instead, be mature, and tell him how you feel. Use words, and make sure the words express what you mean. Don't play games. Don't try to make him "get the clue". Just talk to him.
posted by fritley at 9:48 AM on May 14, 2010
I'd avoid any of the passive options presented on this thread, especially given that he seems like a perfectly decent guy.
You need to find a way to work in the "I don't date coworkers" line without hurting the guy's feelings, and gently let him know that he's barking up the wrong tree (this can be done passively if you can cleverly work it into a conversation). If he doesn't take the hint, you'll have to be more direct with him.
Letting this simmer for a long time is a bad idea, and will likely hurt the guy's feelings.
posted by schmod at 9:49 AM on May 14, 2010
You need to find a way to work in the "I don't date coworkers" line without hurting the guy's feelings, and gently let him know that he's barking up the wrong tree (this can be done passively if you can cleverly work it into a conversation). If he doesn't take the hint, you'll have to be more direct with him.
Letting this simmer for a long time is a bad idea, and will likely hurt the guy's feelings.
posted by schmod at 9:49 AM on May 14, 2010
OP: He isn't sexually harassing me -- we're on the same level of the food chain, and he hasn't done anything inappropriate
JJ86: Be direct and professional which means telling him bluntly that you are getting the impression that he is harassing you.
What about politely mentioning that you just aren't interested in him? I disagree that unrequited interest is in any way equivalent to harassment. If you adopt a polite but direct approach, things might be a little awkward the next few times, but better in the long run.
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:51 AM on May 14, 2010
JJ86: Be direct and professional which means telling him bluntly that you are getting the impression that he is harassing you.
What about politely mentioning that you just aren't interested in him? I disagree that unrequited interest is in any way equivalent to harassment. If you adopt a polite but direct approach, things might be a little awkward the next few times, but better in the long run.
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:51 AM on May 14, 2010
This being a coworker situation you want to avoid embarrassment. Calling him out would be embarrassing and would leave something hanging in the air, but so would him asking you out and being turned down, which might explain his reluctance to pull the trigger. The ideal solution is to send a clear signal of non-interest that can be plausibly denied by both parties. In other words, whenever he becomes flirty, you become frosty -- frostier each time, until he gets the hint. He'll eventually realize he was rejected, but the interaction is subtle enough that you and he can craft a myth that it never happened at all (he was just being friendly, you were just having a bad day) which allows you to interact in the future without any lingering shame or embarrassment.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:53 AM on May 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:53 AM on May 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
Just ignore him, except for work related interactions. Don't interact with his mooning. If he tries to initiate non-work-related conversation, just answer in short sentences. Don't smile. Be silent.
He will get the message.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:56 AM on May 14, 2010
He will get the message.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:56 AM on May 14, 2010
schmod: "Letting this simmer"
Why don't you let something else simmer, like Taco Bell, and then every time he comes into your office, let 'er rip! That'll get rid of him.
Or perhaps let him "catch" you picking your nose (and eating it, if that doesn't deter him).
Confide in him that you're having a hard time dealing with your genital warts.
I guess there are probably less gross ways of actively making him uninterested.. What is his favorite sports team's #1 rival? Buy and wear their gear.
posted by Grither at 9:56 AM on May 14, 2010
Why don't you let something else simmer, like Taco Bell, and then every time he comes into your office, let 'er rip! That'll get rid of him.
Or perhaps let him "catch" you picking your nose (and eating it, if that doesn't deter him).
Confide in him that you're having a hard time dealing with your genital warts.
I guess there are probably less gross ways of actively making him uninterested.. What is his favorite sports team's #1 rival? Buy and wear their gear.
posted by Grither at 9:56 AM on May 14, 2010
I went through something similar recently and adopted the approach of just being a little less friendly. It didn't work, and my colleague thought that she had offended me somehow. So after much agonizing, I wrote a delicately worded email that expressed this sentiment.
Things were awkward for a few weeks, but it cleared the air and we are back to being friends again (and better than before as this confusion was clarified).
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:57 AM on May 14, 2010
Things were awkward for a few weeks, but it cleared the air and we are back to being friends again (and better than before as this confusion was clarified).
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:57 AM on May 14, 2010
Orange Swan, I'm sorry, but your solution is way more passive aggressive than French Fry's, which I would classify more as insensitive. To be clear I disagree with both of you. Avoiding a situation doesn't make it go away, and with romance there are a lot of people whose wants are provoked that much more when you withhold attention.
My suggestion would be to find out who in the group he is closest with as a friend. Explain the situation to that friend and ask if he/she has any advice. There could be a few different things going on here based on the fact that your would be suitor hasn't asked you out yet. For example, he could be trying to make a good friend out of you... or maybe he's the guy that has a crush on everyone new to the office until it wears off. Maybe if you talk to someone else you'll gain some insight. Get more info and then talk to him directly. Tell him you like him as a friendly co-worker, but that you need office time for work and you aren't interested in seeing him romantically.
If I had a crush on someone I worked with that was nonreciprocating that's what I'd want: straight forward honesty.
Also, side note.... Maybe you know more people outside of work than he does. If there are only two women in your work group then he might be having a hard time meeting women in general. Is he a nice guy? Maybe not your type but you know a lady that might be into him? Perhaps you could kill two birds with one stone by telling him about a friend of yours that you'd like to set him up with. It would be a way of telling him you aren't interested that doesn't involve half-truths or drama and with a goal of adding to his happiness, your friend's, and yours all at the same time. Just a thought.
posted by Gainesvillain at 10:06 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
My suggestion would be to find out who in the group he is closest with as a friend. Explain the situation to that friend and ask if he/she has any advice. There could be a few different things going on here based on the fact that your would be suitor hasn't asked you out yet. For example, he could be trying to make a good friend out of you... or maybe he's the guy that has a crush on everyone new to the office until it wears off. Maybe if you talk to someone else you'll gain some insight. Get more info and then talk to him directly. Tell him you like him as a friendly co-worker, but that you need office time for work and you aren't interested in seeing him romantically.
If I had a crush on someone I worked with that was nonreciprocating that's what I'd want: straight forward honesty.
Also, side note.... Maybe you know more people outside of work than he does. If there are only two women in your work group then he might be having a hard time meeting women in general. Is he a nice guy? Maybe not your type but you know a lady that might be into him? Perhaps you could kill two birds with one stone by telling him about a friend of yours that you'd like to set him up with. It would be a way of telling him you aren't interested that doesn't involve half-truths or drama and with a goal of adding to his happiness, your friend's, and yours all at the same time. Just a thought.
posted by Gainesvillain at 10:06 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Would it be so awful to say "Bob, please forgive me if I'm misinterpreting the signals I'm getting from you, but I get the impression you're interested in me romantically. I'm flattered, and you're a good guy, but I have to tell you I really don't see you that way."
posted by adamrice at 10:08 AM on May 14, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 10:08 AM on May 14, 2010 [11 favorites]
Ask him to stop doing the things that he is unarguably doing. Don't mention the subtext.
If he comes by your office without a good reason and makes it hard for you to get stuff done, ask him to come by less frequently so that you can get stuff done.
If he monopolizes your time at a party, tell him that you want to talk to some other people.
Do not say anything about dating unless he says something about dating, unless you really are dating someone.
posted by bingo at 10:17 AM on May 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
If he comes by your office without a good reason and makes it hard for you to get stuff done, ask him to come by less frequently so that you can get stuff done.
If he monopolizes your time at a party, tell him that you want to talk to some other people.
Do not say anything about dating unless he says something about dating, unless you really are dating someone.
posted by bingo at 10:17 AM on May 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Gainesvillain might have hit on it: He's fixating on you a little bit because he just doesn't know many women in his circle, which has fed his crush on you -- because you've got it all going on (you're smart and interesting and gorgeous and efficient and all that).
If you want to see how *not* to combine a legal job with office crushes, watch the BBC series This Life!
posted by vickyverky at 10:17 AM on May 14, 2010
If you want to see how *not* to combine a legal job with office crushes, watch the BBC series This Life!
posted by vickyverky at 10:17 AM on May 14, 2010
He's in and out of my office throughout the workday, making conversation on the flimsiest of pretexts while I am trying to get things done.
Two ideas I've seen work 100 percent of the time ...
1) Stop Him Before He Gets Going
"Hey there, sidewinding, did you hear..."
"DUDE! I'm SO busy with this totally fucked up thing..."
"Wow, can I help...?"
"No, I've gotta take care of this. Can you catch up to me later?"
You don't even have to mention what it is. It may not even exist. Just refer to it angrily. Nobody wants to flirt with someone when they're pissed off at something else, in fear of that anger being misplaced and sent back at you.
2) The Head Nod
HIM:
"Hey there, sidewinding, did you hear..."
YOU (standing up):
"No. Tell me about it."
HIM:
"Well, it was like this..."
YOU (walking toward office door):
"Uh-huh. Really? Wow?"
HIM:
"And then..."
Now here's the key ... while standing at your doorway, leaving room for him to walk out, you nod your head toward the door. Don't say anything. It's all body language. You just nod toward the door (as if to say "look that way"), and people ... just ... leave. They're not upset. They're not put off. They just leave.
It's like fucking body language magic.
(A very successful businessman showed this to me ... then I noticed him doing it to other people. It was amazing).
Then, don't shut the door. Just go back to your chair and sit down. Again, you are not commenting on this movement and body language. It's secondary to anything else you do.
And that's that. Use these two moves, and he'll just decide to stop coming around, because he's not getting rewarded for this interaction.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:24 AM on May 14, 2010 [12 favorites]
Two ideas I've seen work 100 percent of the time ...
1) Stop Him Before He Gets Going
"Hey there, sidewinding, did you hear..."
"DUDE! I'm SO busy with this totally fucked up thing..."
"Wow, can I help...?"
"No, I've gotta take care of this. Can you catch up to me later?"
You don't even have to mention what it is. It may not even exist. Just refer to it angrily. Nobody wants to flirt with someone when they're pissed off at something else, in fear of that anger being misplaced and sent back at you.
2) The Head Nod
HIM:
"Hey there, sidewinding, did you hear..."
YOU (standing up):
"No. Tell me about it."
HIM:
"Well, it was like this..."
YOU (walking toward office door):
"Uh-huh. Really? Wow?"
HIM:
"And then..."
Now here's the key ... while standing at your doorway, leaving room for him to walk out, you nod your head toward the door. Don't say anything. It's all body language. You just nod toward the door (as if to say "look that way"), and people ... just ... leave. They're not upset. They're not put off. They just leave.
It's like fucking body language magic.
(A very successful businessman showed this to me ... then I noticed him doing it to other people. It was amazing).
Then, don't shut the door. Just go back to your chair and sit down. Again, you are not commenting on this movement and body language. It's secondary to anything else you do.
And that's that. Use these two moves, and he'll just decide to stop coming around, because he's not getting rewarded for this interaction.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:24 AM on May 14, 2010 [12 favorites]
He's in and out of my office throughout the workday, making conversation on the flimsiest of pretexts while I am trying to get things done.
"Hey, sorry to cut you off, but I really need to get this stuff done or so and so will be looking for my head"
When the group goes out, he makes sure to corner me and monopolize my time all evening.
"Hey, it's been good talking to you, I need to catch up with so so, take it easy!"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:38 AM on May 14, 2010
"Hey, sorry to cut you off, but I really need to get this stuff done or so and so will be looking for my head"
When the group goes out, he makes sure to corner me and monopolize my time all evening.
"Hey, it's been good talking to you, I need to catch up with so so, take it easy!"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:38 AM on May 14, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you for all of the comments so far! You've given me a lot of food for thought.
It sounds like you may be doing things that sort of encourage him--not saying, "Sorry man, I've got a mountain of work to do right now. Catch you later?" when he comes to your office and not excusing yourself from the conversation when he tries to corner you at after-work drinks.
You're right, of course. I'm not usually so passive.
Part of it is that this whole thing snuck up on me. As I've said, it's a very collegial office, so having people stop in for a quick chat every couple of days isn't unusual. I didn't think I needed to nip things in the bud at the beginning, and there's been a long, slow buildup to this guy's behavior getting out of hand.
Part of it is that I'm still relatively new to the practice group, and things were so poisonous at my old firm that I've been trying hard to be friendly and social with everyone.
I don't want to freeze my coworker out -- he's a decent person who doesn't deserve that -- but I need to make absolutely certain that I'm not sending any mixed signals.
Be direct and professional which means telling him bluntly that you are getting the impression that he is harassing you.
To reiterate: my coworker is not harassing me. The attention can be a bit obnoxious, but he's never crossed the line into inappropriate actions or pressure to date him.
Why make it a fight? These words mean you want to have a fight.
My frustration with the situation may have manifested in some aggressive language, but I am genuinely not out to hurt this guy.
posted by sidewinding at 10:39 AM on May 14, 2010
It sounds like you may be doing things that sort of encourage him--not saying, "Sorry man, I've got a mountain of work to do right now. Catch you later?" when he comes to your office and not excusing yourself from the conversation when he tries to corner you at after-work drinks.
You're right, of course. I'm not usually so passive.
Part of it is that this whole thing snuck up on me. As I've said, it's a very collegial office, so having people stop in for a quick chat every couple of days isn't unusual. I didn't think I needed to nip things in the bud at the beginning, and there's been a long, slow buildup to this guy's behavior getting out of hand.
Part of it is that I'm still relatively new to the practice group, and things were so poisonous at my old firm that I've been trying hard to be friendly and social with everyone.
I don't want to freeze my coworker out -- he's a decent person who doesn't deserve that -- but I need to make absolutely certain that I'm not sending any mixed signals.
Be direct and professional which means telling him bluntly that you are getting the impression that he is harassing you.
To reiterate: my coworker is not harassing me. The attention can be a bit obnoxious, but he's never crossed the line into inappropriate actions or pressure to date him.
Why make it a fight? These words mean you want to have a fight.
My frustration with the situation may have manifested in some aggressive language, but I am genuinely not out to hurt this guy.
posted by sidewinding at 10:39 AM on May 14, 2010
If he hasn't done anything inappropriate, what's the problem? You can't read his mind: what if he hasn't asked you out because he already knows it wouldn't work or is seeing someone else?
If he's talking to you too much, let him know and make yourself unavailable. As long as he keeps whatever he's thinking to himself, his feelings are his problem, not yours. Making unwarranted assumptions on flimsy evidence and sharing them with the office is going to make you look really bad. "You know, I think x might have a crush on me, what do I do" is weak, weak sauce best left to conversations in the Junior High cafeteria.
Why do you have such an urgent need to kill off something that may or may not be there at all? Call me jaded, but I've had lots of co-workers act "sweet on me"--and as long as they were pleasant and left me alone when I needed to work, I couldn't care less. What is it about the way he's acting that has such significance to you? Are you not used to people liking you and trying to talk to you? Think about what's really bothering you here.
posted by aquafortis at 10:48 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
If he's talking to you too much, let him know and make yourself unavailable. As long as he keeps whatever he's thinking to himself, his feelings are his problem, not yours. Making unwarranted assumptions on flimsy evidence and sharing them with the office is going to make you look really bad. "You know, I think x might have a crush on me, what do I do" is weak, weak sauce best left to conversations in the Junior High cafeteria.
Why do you have such an urgent need to kill off something that may or may not be there at all? Call me jaded, but I've had lots of co-workers act "sweet on me"--and as long as they were pleasant and left me alone when I needed to work, I couldn't care less. What is it about the way he's acting that has such significance to you? Are you not used to people liking you and trying to talk to you? Think about what's really bothering you here.
posted by aquafortis at 10:48 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Cool Papa Bell, I used to work with the fascinating Australian who pulled that move on me once. At first I was like 'WTF?' and then I was like 'Jedi Sh*t'. He didn't even have to do the head nod. The act of standing up gets most people moving. One of the best office hacks ever.
Now, to the question at hand. A lot of these answers are great, if it weren't for the political / office dynamics that could be in play here. Make the wrong move and you could be on the receiving end of some crazy bizzaro office politics type stuff. The way you handle this greatly depends on the dynamic of your office, who trusts who, how much gossip / spin are used, etc. etc.
How would you treat a woman that was taking up to much of your time? Most likely very politely, with the charms of a diplomat. Apply the same logic here.
posted by jasondigitized at 11:22 AM on May 14, 2010
Now, to the question at hand. A lot of these answers are great, if it weren't for the political / office dynamics that could be in play here. Make the wrong move and you could be on the receiving end of some crazy bizzaro office politics type stuff. The way you handle this greatly depends on the dynamic of your office, who trusts who, how much gossip / spin are used, etc. etc.
How would you treat a woman that was taking up to much of your time? Most likely very politely, with the charms of a diplomat. Apply the same logic here.
posted by jasondigitized at 11:22 AM on May 14, 2010
I didn't read all the answers, but i would start out gently by telling him that you can't chat right now, you're too busy, etc. Until he actually asks you out, it could be hard to address without being slightly confrontational or embarrassing for him and awkward for you. If it could be worked into conversation, especially with a group of people out for drinks, rather than aimed directly at him, you might want to mention a story about a girlfriend at another company who was dating a coworker and it just blew up in her face and that's why you're glad you don't ever date coworkers (of course, then you really shouldn't date another coworker but really you probably shouldn't ever do that anyways, especially at a law firm. I wonder if there's a specific company policy about that?).
If he asks you out, then it makes your life easier--just tell him politely that you don't date coworkers and you're not interested in him. But I definitely would stop encouraging him (in his mind--in other words, start to discourage him) by being busy when he is around, maybe take a break from drinking with coworkers for a couple weeks (maybe say you have a date?), and eventually he'll either get the hint or move on to someone else (he is a guy, right?).
posted by 1000monkeys at 11:26 AM on May 14, 2010
If he asks you out, then it makes your life easier--just tell him politely that you don't date coworkers and you're not interested in him. But I definitely would stop encouraging him (in his mind--in other words, start to discourage him) by being busy when he is around, maybe take a break from drinking with coworkers for a couple weeks (maybe say you have a date?), and eventually he'll either get the hint or move on to someone else (he is a guy, right?).
posted by 1000monkeys at 11:26 AM on May 14, 2010
I think the easiest, least hurtful, least risky way is to simply and casually drop a white lie about dating someone else.
Him: "Yeah, and it was really interesting because bla bla bla"
You: "Oh, wow, this guy I just started seeing loves bla bla bla"
That ought to give him a pretty strong hint that he's a friend, not a potential love interest. You don't need to be serious with the made up guy, and if asked later about it you can always say you're not seeing each other anymore.
posted by zazerr at 11:45 AM on May 14, 2010
Him: "Yeah, and it was really interesting because bla bla bla"
You: "Oh, wow, this guy I just started seeing loves bla bla bla"
That ought to give him a pretty strong hint that he's a friend, not a potential love interest. You don't need to be serious with the made up guy, and if asked later about it you can always say you're not seeing each other anymore.
posted by zazerr at 11:45 AM on May 14, 2010
Dropping into your office continually, interrupting your work, monopolizing your time, can be harassment, if it's unwelcome. Address his behavior. "Hi, X, I'm busy right now, but I'll see you Friday at the pub." "Let's focus on the Q case right now, as I have a deadline." "That's a great story about your debate club. Totally impressive. I'm going to get a fresh drink, and catch up with Terry. "
posted by theora55 at 12:01 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by theora55 at 12:01 PM on May 14, 2010
Let it slip that you've got this really great boyfriend (can be fictional). Doesn't have to be direct, just within hearing distance while chatting with a co-worker. He probably won't make a move with this knowledge and give-up if he's been thinking you're not seeing anyone.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 12:13 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by hungrysquirrels at 12:13 PM on May 14, 2010
Whether or not he's crossed the line into harassment is immaterial if you feel he is starting to stray in that direction, then you have a duty to stop it now. Obviously you have those feelings as you mentioned in your post here. I am not saying you have to accuse him of something which may be untrue but you have to let him know there is a boundary which is close to being crossed and which if it is crossed could lead to some serious career problems. While it is harmless now, why would you wait until after the line is crossed to put a stop to it? Many women get trapped in these circumstances.
posted by JJ86 at 12:55 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by JJ86 at 12:55 PM on May 14, 2010
You don't want this to go on and on. Ask him to lunch, and then tell him you get the sense he may be interested but you really think of and value him as a friend. I think this will be less of a blow to him than rejecting him once he nerves up.
posted by xammerboy at 1:10 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 1:10 PM on May 14, 2010
"Ask someone else out on a date and tell everyone all about it. Drop some hints that you only date ____ type of non-lawyers."
Sadly, that won't work. He will just wait for you to become single again.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:13 PM on May 14, 2010
Sadly, that won't work. He will just wait for you to become single again.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:13 PM on May 14, 2010
I have to also second what punchtothehead said about telling him you can't date coworkers. Except in my case I got laid off and office crush guy immediately asked me out. Much as I love having a built-in excuse like that, it doesn't last forever as a way of avoiding saying "I don't like you like that."
I have to ask: does this guy pick up hints? How obtuse is he in taking any? Some of these suggestions might work if he does, but I tend to attract men who don't take hints and subtle brushoffs don't seem to work.
I kind of agree with those who say to make up an imaginary boyfriend if he's not getting up the nerve to ask you out directly. Mostly because man, I'd be mortified if someone told me, "I noticed you have a crush on me, it's not mutual," and then I'd have to still see them every single day all day.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:35 PM on May 14, 2010
I have to ask: does this guy pick up hints? How obtuse is he in taking any? Some of these suggestions might work if he does, but I tend to attract men who don't take hints and subtle brushoffs don't seem to work.
I kind of agree with those who say to make up an imaginary boyfriend if he's not getting up the nerve to ask you out directly. Mostly because man, I'd be mortified if someone told me, "I noticed you have a crush on me, it's not mutual," and then I'd have to still see them every single day all day.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:35 PM on May 14, 2010
Get him alone. Then do this:
You: Say, would you like to go out sometime, like on a date?
Him: Yes!
You: See, that's a problem. I don't.
As long as you let him down in private so he can keep his pride intact, it shouldn't be a big deal.
posted by chairface at 2:05 PM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You: Say, would you like to go out sometime, like on a date?
Him: Yes!
You: See, that's a problem. I don't.
As long as you let him down in private so he can keep his pride intact, it shouldn't be a big deal.
posted by chairface at 2:05 PM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe he talks to you so much because it seems that you've been reciprocating it so far. He might not even have a crush on you, he might just be a talkative guy and you've been, what he's assuming (since you haven't stood up for yourself), a listening ear. You might view his behavior as wrong, but I don't think your behavior is any better for letting this continue and not standing up for yourself. If he's bothering you too much at work and hindering your performance, say something. It doesn't have to be rude, just concise and direct. Same thing with after work hang outs. It's all about the boundaries and if you haven't established any yet, you can't get mad at people for not respecting them.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:18 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:18 PM on May 14, 2010
I wish he would properly ask me out, because then I could properly turn him down.
Sounds like if one of y'all becomes unemployed and he asks you out, then you're totally prepared to say no. So yeah, I think slipping "Of course I never date coworkers" into the mix is a totally viable option.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:18 PM on May 14, 2010
Sounds like if one of y'all becomes unemployed and he asks you out, then you're totally prepared to say no. So yeah, I think slipping "Of course I never date coworkers" into the mix is a totally viable option.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:18 PM on May 14, 2010
I've had exactly this situation happen to me a few years ago (though genders were reversed).
After a too long trying to ignore the issue, I used combination of decathecting and admarice's advice. We had a non-confrontational "it's not you, it's me" exchange. It was a little embarrassing for both of us, but "I don't date co-workers" allowed both of us to save face. Make it clear that you're definitely not interested, but give him a graceful way out, and don't do it publicly. If he's a reasonable guy, this can work out.
She and I still work together occasionally. We're cordial, professional and have a productive working relationship, but nothing more.
posted by bonehead at 2:44 PM on May 14, 2010
After a too long trying to ignore the issue, I used combination of decathecting and admarice's advice. We had a non-confrontational "it's not you, it's me" exchange. It was a little embarrassing for both of us, but "I don't date co-workers" allowed both of us to save face. Make it clear that you're definitely not interested, but give him a graceful way out, and don't do it publicly. If he's a reasonable guy, this can work out.
She and I still work together occasionally. We're cordial, professional and have a productive working relationship, but nothing more.
posted by bonehead at 2:44 PM on May 14, 2010
Get him alone. Then do this:
You: Say, would you like to go out sometime, like on a date?
Him: Yes!
You: See, that's a problem. I don't.
As long as you let him down in private so he can keep his pride intact, it shouldn't be a big deal.
When I was a kid my step-dad would be like "want some ice cream?" while passing an ice cream place and then go "too late!" 0.5 seconds later. This sounds like an even more horrible thing to do.
posted by Green With You at 4:20 PM on May 14, 2010 [9 favorites]
You: Say, would you like to go out sometime, like on a date?
Him: Yes!
You: See, that's a problem. I don't.
As long as you let him down in private so he can keep his pride intact, it shouldn't be a big deal.
When I was a kid my step-dad would be like "want some ice cream?" while passing an ice cream place and then go "too late!" 0.5 seconds later. This sounds like an even more horrible thing to do.
posted by Green With You at 4:20 PM on May 14, 2010 [9 favorites]
Ask him for advice on another boy (fictitious) that he doesn't know about I've have a crush on x for weeks, and we're finally going on a date'
posted by the noob at 10:44 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by the noob at 10:44 PM on May 14, 2010
Do you have a friend that you can set him up with? Only do this if the friend actually exists and you would feel okay otherwise with setting him up with her.
Next time he comes to your office say "Hey ____, I have this awesome girl friend that I really want to set you up with". That gives him the crystal clear answer that you do not think of him romantically but that you think he is a good guy.
posted by murrey at 3:56 AM on May 15, 2010
Next time he comes to your office say "Hey ____, I have this awesome girl friend that I really want to set you up with". That gives him the crystal clear answer that you do not think of him romantically but that you think he is a good guy.
posted by murrey at 3:56 AM on May 15, 2010
n-thing adamrice's suggestion to treat this guy like an actual person, but frankly I'm just posting to say how surprised I am that there are so many Mean Girls/Heathers/etc. type suggestions here.
Watching a videotape of the incident, Bart narrates the scene
frame-by-frame. "Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the
second when his heart rips in half.''
Maybe the best solution here is to take a lesson from the Simpson's episode above to humiliate him and also record it on video so that you can use it in any possible future harassment case. Can't be too safe, you know.
Curiously missing from these answers are any words from people who have had crushes. For me, it was quitting and time that wound it down, but a little straight-talk would likely have speeded it up considerably and I likely would have stayed at the job.
posted by rhizome at 11:00 AM on May 15, 2010
Watching a videotape of the incident, Bart narrates the scene
frame-by-frame. "Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the
second when his heart rips in half.''
Maybe the best solution here is to take a lesson from the Simpson's episode above to humiliate him and also record it on video so that you can use it in any possible future harassment case. Can't be too safe, you know.
Curiously missing from these answers are any words from people who have had crushes. For me, it was quitting and time that wound it down, but a little straight-talk would likely have speeded it up considerably and I likely would have stayed at the job.
posted by rhizome at 11:00 AM on May 15, 2010
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posted by French Fry at 9:16 AM on May 14, 2010