My slightly scandalous past has come back to haunt me. Help!

August 8, 2008 8:34 PM

My slightly scandalous past has come back to haunt me. Help!

First, I apologize for the insane length of this post. Anyway, I'm a 30-y.o. female who has made some unwise career choices in the past. Currently, I have a regular 9-to-5 job, business suits and 401k and health benefits and all. I also have an excellent working relationship with pretty much everyone in the small company that I work for.

However, 12 years ago, I used to be a go-go dancer at a large NYC nightclub. My boss, who is extremely laid back and liberal, already knows about this and finds it very amusing. What he does not know is that I also worked for 2 years as a dancer at a "gentleman's club" while putting myself through school. (And please, I'm not here to debate my relative worth as a human being for making the decision to work there. FWIW, I never did anything illegal. Immoral? Probably.)

Recently, I have had the unpleasant experience of running into a former customer of the club I used to work at, in a business situation. Even worse, this man (let's call him Mr. X) has had a long-running (15 year) business relationship with my employer. This has happened 3 times in the last month; the first time, Mr. X just barely managed not to address me by my "stage name", and generally made the meeting quite awkward with fairly juvenile flirtatious behaviour. The last two times have been far more unpleasant. Basically, he's been making some not-so-subtle remarks about how he'd like to see more of me outside of work, because he "misses what he used to see all the time, heh heh heh", coupled with veiled threats to mention my former job to my boss. None of these remarks were made in front of anyone else, fortunately or unfortunately.

Obviously, I know that the best way to quash any potential blackmailer (and I really do think that's the best way to define him at this point) is to reveal the secret with which you're being blackmailed. While this will doubtlessly be an uncomfortable conversation with my boss, I am about 70% certain that it will not mean the end of my employment. What I'm not sure of is if I should specifically say why I am telling him at this particular time. Ideally, I want to say something along the lines of "it's recently come to my attention that there are certain things in my past employment history that I neglected to reveal when you first hired me, and which may reflect badly upon me," as opposed to "Mr. X is using my past employment history to sexually harass me to the point of outright blackmail."

Basically, I’m worried that if I mention this man by name, my boss will immediately confront Mr. X about his behaviour – he's very protective of his employees and their rights – resulting in the end of their business relationship, and bad feelings all around. A continued relationship with Mr. X is not in any way vital to my boss' business, but an acrimonious end to the relationship will likely have a ripple effect through their mutual friends and acquaintances, with all sorts of gossipy chitchat. Plus, at this point I would not put it past Mr. X to make really vile accusations and personal remarks, which, while untrue, could end up leaving my boss' opinion of me much lowered.

How can I address this without fucking up everything for everyone, for all time?

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the TL;DR.

posted by anonymous to work & money (33 comments total)

You've done nothing wrong, and it sounds like your boss is a good guy. Why not just let the jerk be a jerk if he so chooses, and not worry about it?

And if you want, next time that he makes some veiled threat, make it clear to him that you're just going to let him be a jerk if he so chooses.
posted by Flunkie at 8:48 PM on August 8, 2008

Just my opinion as a semi-retired manager, I think you should just explain to your boss that Mr. X is sexually harassing you and making you uncomfortable and that you would rather limit your contact with him. You can mention that he knew you in your "previous life" without going into details. Your situation is not that unusual, believe it or not.
posted by thomas144 at 8:51 PM on August 8, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

I might have phrased that a little ambiguously:

By "let the jerk be a jerk", I meant regarding his threats of going to your boss. Let him go to your boss, and let him see what happens if he does.

I didn't mean anything like "don't stand up for yourself when he acts inappropriately towards you".
posted by Flunkie at 8:52 PM on August 8, 2008

I know you can't respond anon, but I am assuming go-go dancing = clothes vs. the 'gentlemans club(har!)' being a lapdance place?

just come clean with your boss right away. honestly is the best blah blah and like you said you did nothing illegal. the creep from your past in getting off on his perceived power over you w/r/t the situation. once your boss knows your own attitude around the guy will take the air out of his sails because you will no longer be reacting from 'fear'.

you can't stop him from lying about you but you can pre-empt him by telling the real story first. if your boss is really on your side he may be able to stem the flow by not feeding into it.

good luck!
posted by supermedusa at 9:00 PM on August 8, 2008

So the only real reason you wouldn't tell your boss is that you're afraid he'll fire this client? First, let the boss make the business decisions. If you can't trust him to decide whether the client is worth keeping or not, then you've got bigger problems with this job. Second, if the boss is on your side enough to fire the client, he's on your side enough to not be swayed by any sour-grapes BS. Tell your boss enough that there's no more surprises that Mr. X can spring on you (and tell your boss that there are no more surprises) and tell him you're afraid of being smeared with false allegations.

But there is another option that you haven't listed: Tell the boss you're being harassed/blackmailed without telling him by whom. You'd look less like you're out to get Mr. X. (even if the boss immediately asks you to reveal who it is) and if Mr. X follows through with the blackmail, he's the author of his own undoing.
posted by winston at 9:01 PM on August 8, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

From a completely neutral (not a woman, but not someone who has ever been to a gentleman's club, either) perspective, it seems like there are three options:

(1) Don't tell anyone, but perhaps mention to Mr. Sleazeball X next time you see him that you don't do that type of thing anymore and would prefer to put it behind you. Worst case, he tells your boss, which sounds from your description like it wouldn't matter to him.

(2) On the, "You should hear it from me first" doctrine, and on the, "I don't deserve this crap" doctrine, tell your boss the whole thing. If you go this route, you should definitely mention the sexual harassment you're getting as a result, and that you're concerned he's going to try to spread lies.

(3) A limited version of the above. "Hey, remember I mentioned that I used to work as a dancer? This makes me really uncomfortable, but, uhh... Mr. X was a frequent patron, and working with him is kind of awkward. Please don't tell him I told you, though, just say that I requested a different case." You avoid telling him the part of your past you don't want to, and avoid calling Mr. X out on anything current. (However, I have no idea if requesting to not work with Mr. X is feasible?)

Some random thoughts, though:
- IANAL, nor do I work in HR, but I can't imagine that failing to disclose on your employment application that you worked in a gentleman's club while in college could possibly be grounds for anything at all.

- I think Mr. X is most likely bluffing in his threats to tell your boss. Especially given that it's a professional relationship, it sounds to me like telling your boss would be even more awkward for him?

- Option #1 doesn't preclude 2 or 3 later down the road.
posted by fogster at 9:11 PM on August 8, 2008

I can see why you wouldn't want to take this to the boss. And part of the reason, I'd think, is that you've already done such a good job of taking away the impact; not everyone would see a huge difference between what you've already talked to him about and the undisclosed gig. (FWIW, most of the people who would be weirded out by one would be weirded out by the other.) I'd guess you largely don't want to pose a conflict between yourself and a client, which is pretty understandable.

What have you said to the asshole about this? You do not want to indicate any fear or trepidation, or he might try to exploit it. I would be tempted to say something direct but not overtly threatening, like "I know there are things each of us has done that we'd prefer not to have paraded around" (it will make him think, probably), coupled with "Oh, I've already told the higher-ups about my whole CV, and we've had a good laugh about it." I seriously doubt the dude would say anything to anyone after that, and his power would be gone.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:13 PM on August 8, 2008

You could also just tell the jerk that your boss knows already and does not care, but that he would probably sever their business relationship if he suspected that he was harassing you.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:49 PM on August 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Your boss sounds cool, so I vote for full disclosure in an upbeat "just so you know" conversation, like:

"I have something quick and personal to talk to you about. So, you already know I used to work at [Go Go Club]. I also used to dance at a Gentleman's Club, as they call it, [Name], to pay my tuition while I also attended school full-time. Anyway, I'm happy to tell you more if you're interested, but they're not all that relevant, I didn't do anything illegal or anything. My stage name was Sparkles. [grin] Anyway, I'm telling you this because I realized that one of the current clients here was also a regular customer there. Funny what a small world it is. I just didn't want you to be taken by surprise if he brings this up."

Unless your boss asks directly, I'd pretend the client's asshole behavior hasn't happened yet. In an ideal world, Mr. X will quickly realize you don't care, or you could confront him as others suggest. You can also go back to your boss if the harassment continues, like:

"So, not only does Mr. X remember me, but apparently, he thinks it makes it okay to act in a really inappropriate way."

In other words, I'd separate the discussion of "oh, fyi, more about my background," from "here is a problem with a client." Your background is not the problem; the client's behavior is the problem. Separating the conversations keeps that point clear and prevents any possible confusion. And telling the boss now takes away the client's power over you and prepares for the possibility that you'll need to involve your boss in solving this problem later.
posted by salvia at 10:03 PM on August 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

You could also just tell the jerk that your boss knows already and does not care, but that he would probably sever their business relationship if he suspected that he was harassing you.

Yes. Call his bluff.

Does he have a wife and kids, by the way? His little game could be played two ways.
posted by LarryC at 10:03 PM on August 8, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

LarryC has an excellent point. Use the wife/kids thing, if he does anything.

Also...from an HR perspective:

Your boss knows you were a gogo dancer. He's cool with it. End of story. You had no obligation to tell him though. Mention to your boss that this a-hole is kinda threatening to out you and making you feel uncomfortable.

Your boss should either take you out of the situation where you have to take a-hole's comments, or he will *somehow* put a stop to the a-hole's comments.

If he doesn't....that IS a case of sexual harassment where the employer does NOTHING after an employee has alerted him to the fact.

And yes, sexual harassment can come from OUTSIDE sources as well. Once you tell your employer, they have a LEGAL obligation to protect you from that bs.

You are there to work, thats all. You owe NOBODY any explanation of any past life stories. Since you have already told your boss...I say use it to your advantage.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 10:43 PM on August 8, 2008

Bosses usually don't like surprises. I think salvia's advice is excellent. The first gives him enough that if something further happens, he will know the context. Once your boss knows, you should feel free to be more assertive with Mr. X. If he starts hinting, you need to make it clear that you are not the least bit interested - some kind of "that was a long time ago, I'm not interested in that anymore" or "Now that I'm a grownup, I'm a little more selective about who gets to see what." If he doesn't get the message, you go back to your boss with salvia's second message.

As to your boss over-reacting, you need to give him the information to do his job, not try to protect him from himself. If he is competent, he can balance the employee and client issues here better than you can.
posted by metahawk at 11:10 PM on August 8, 2008

Call his bluff. You've already got the upper hand; client probably is assuming that your boss doesn't know about the go-go dancing at all. The additional revelation to your boss that you also worked at a gentleman's club is not going to unduly shock a boss who is already cool with knowing that you worked at a go-go joint. (However you may personally feel about the difference between the two, these distinctions are just not that important to anyone else.)
posted by desuetude at 11:30 PM on August 8, 2008

You could say Mr. x knows you simply from your "dancing days," thereby avoiding having to distinguish the two jobs. Otherwise, be upfront about it. Explain that Mr. x's behaviour strikes you as unprofessional, but that you don't want to hurt the company. Think of your boss as a consultant in this.
posted by punkbitch at 12:09 AM on August 9, 2008

I would tell mr. X that his behavior is inappropriate and that you want it to stop. Tell him you no longer work in that industry and its not going to happen. Simultaneously, tell your boss that mr. X knows you from your days in the sex industry and is behaving inappropriately. Tell your boss you have clearly and directly let mr. X know his interest is unwelcome and that if this doesn't resolve things, you no longer want contact with mr. X.

Your boss will probably explain to mr. X that his conduct is welcome and that he needs to cut it out. You need to take appropriate steps so your boss can protect you.
posted by zia at 12:49 AM on August 9, 2008

Tell Mr. X to fuck off, tell your boss you're being harassed, and if you get canned, make a fuss.
posted by gally99 at 1:57 AM on August 9, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

oops his conduct is UNwelcome...
posted by zia at 3:30 AM on August 9, 2008

+1 for mentioning wife and children.

I also think that the guy is unlikely to mention that he went to a gogo club to a business partner, unless he's some special kind of sleazebag.
posted by Solomon at 4:07 AM on August 9, 2008

Tell your boss exactly what's happening, including his friend's reprehensible behavior. You're being sexually harassed. As soon as you inform your boss that it's happening, legal mechanisms swing into place to aid you.

More to the point, your boss sounds like a decent sort. Give him a chance to be so.
posted by DWRoelands at 4:40 AM on August 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I agree that there's no difference between the jobs. For the purposes of your conversation, dancing is dancing. Mr X was a client at business where you danced, and is making inappropriate comments, and you want to give your boss a heads up on this. That's all he needs to know and as much as you need to tell him.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:48 AM on August 9, 2008

I always loved this scene from The West Wing...
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:40 AM on August 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sexual harassment is sexual harassment. It's a liability for your employer if they don't put a stop to it.

Nothing in your past makes it right for you to be sexually harassed. Period.
posted by AV at 5:50 AM on August 9, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

My advice is to not play some of the tit for tat games people are suggesting. You don't want to raise the stakes, you want to lower them. Fighting fire with fire only works in firefighting...

Take the client aside, and very professionally tell him that you are no longer in that business and not interested in dating him.

Then if it continues, you will have to go to the boss and raise the stakes. "This guy is hitting on me and it's creeping me out, and we need to find a solution. I don't want to jeopardize our business relationship nor our working relationship, but it needs to be stopped. I've already told him I wasn't interested and asked him to stop, and he didn't. What can we do?"
posted by gjc at 6:46 AM on August 9, 2008

"I know there are things each of us has done that we'd prefer not to have paraded around" (it will make him think, probably), coupled with "Oh, I've already told the higher-ups about my whole CV, and we've had a good laugh about it."

You could also just tell the jerk that your boss knows already and does not care, but that he would probably sever their business relationship if he suspected that he was harassing you.

There are excellent suggestions. There's no need to involve your boss unless it goes farther, which it's unlikely to—the client doesn't want to tell your boss about it, he wants to scare you into being "nice" to him (or just to scare you, depending on exactly what kind of an asshole he is). "Publish and be damned" is always the best response to attempted blackmail, and in this case, since your boss already knows about your past and has no problem with it (I agree with everyone else that the distinction between the "gentleman's club" and "go-go dancer" things is minor and wouldn't matter to your boss), there's no downside. Call his bluff and watch him squirm and back off. He's depending on your being a scaredy-cat. Don't be.
posted by languagehat at 7:00 AM on August 9, 2008

Women are always afraid to issue the call out when they are being harassed.

Don't be afraid.

You've done nothing wrong, and the person in the wrong is this creepy dude who is being an asshole. There are legal mechanisms in place to protect you in this case, and you should use them, definitely for your own good but also because if it's not you now, it's me next week, or someone else's daughter, mother, sister, or friend who has to put up with this bullshit. Stand up for yourself. Every time one of us does, it makes it that much easier for the next one to do so as well.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:28 AM on August 9, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I wouldn't make threats on behalf of your boss (ie, that he might sever the relationship -- he might, but that's not your threat to make). But do tell your boss in some way so you can't be blackmailed.

I wonder if you could do it completely out of the context of this situation? If you've got the kind of friendly relationship where anecdotes from the past ever come up, perhaps there's a funny, yet still somehow work appropriate, story you could tell from your Gentlemen's Club days.

And to sound a note of warning based on what some other people have said, I do think there's a very concrete difference between go-go dancing and stripping. How much of a difference probably depends a lot on the type of club and your local laws -- my totally uninformed impression based on movies and reading is that in some jurisdictions and some clubs, stripping is much like go-go dancing without a bra on, and in others, it's a lot closer to border-line prostitution. I don't have a particular problem either stripping or go-go dancing, but I can certainly see someone who thinks go-go dancing as a 'ha, ha, wild crazy thing to do as a kid' also thinking that strippers are all cracked out hos who give blow jobs in the VIP rooms. If you're not sure where your boss stands on the issue, proceed with caution.

The other specific concern I'd have is the precise language that was used on your employment application in terms of how you were asked for your employment history. If you were expected to provide all jobs, or all jobs for the preceding X years, and that encompassed your days as both kinds of dancer, but you left one of them off your history, that might give your employer cause to fire you immediately (or at any point in the future) for lying on your application.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:48 AM on August 9, 2008

What boggles my mind is the fact that Mr. X somehow thinks that everything will be hunky-dory for him when he reveals to a business associate that he is a skeezy frequent patron of strip clubs. My opinion of the women who dance at gentlemen's clubs is much, much more favorable than is my opinion of the men who keep the clubs in business, and I imagine that your boss may feel the same way.

Mr. X thinks he owns you because you danced for money over a decade ago. He is getting off on the power he has (or thinks he has) over you because he knows your secret. Men like this get away with this kind of behavior because they rely on us women to do nothing, which is what we often do. I can't fault you for not coming forward and telling your boss the whole story (including naming Mr. X by name and being specific about his behavior toward you) because I understand that this situation is complex and your job and reputation are potentially on the line. But, based on what you've said, I think that you need to squash this little cockroach, and squash him good -- not just to teach him what happens when you treat women this way, but to show all of the other cockroaches that we are putting our stompin' boots on.
posted by kitty teeth at 9:42 AM on August 9, 2008

I think jacquilynne's advice adds a lot of value on each of its points.

As to whether there's a concrete difference, I can't really say, other than to note that there's also a spectrum of go-go dancing.

It'll depend, ultimately, on (a) what you previously told your boss, (b) what you think he will have envisioned based on that, (c) how that corresponds with whatever you are likely to be willing to volunteer in additional detail in a propylactic conversation OR how it is likely to correspond with whatever the client is likely to say (if anything).
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:45 AM on August 9, 2008

Notice how supermedusa needed an explanation for the difference between go-go and gentlemen's club? So did I, and I'm guessing a large percentage of the population would too. The point is I don't think guys really care, and you shouldn't worry about your boss finding out the specifics. You need to nip this in the ass, and I think your boss is the best person to do it. It's not appropriate, even if he is a client of the current employer.
posted by datacenter refugee at 9:48 AM on August 9, 2008

Whoa. Full stop.

You've done nothing illegal, nothing that's an impediment to your job.

Your client is sexually harrassing you, and is threatening extortion, which is impeding your ability to do your job.

Period.

Circumstances of employment twelve years ago do not change this.
You've been open with your boss, who seems decent.
Your boss would not want to continue a business relationship with this asshat.

As your boss, I'm pissed if I don't hear about this.
As your boss, I'll protect good staff quietly.
As your boss, I'm quite happy to drop the client with no second thoughts.

You can't threaten the guy back. You can't invoke his wife and children. You can't use childish ruses and games. This is business. There are rules. Use them.
posted by lothar at 10:27 AM on August 9, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

You didn't do anything wrong or anything to be embarrassed about, at all.
I had no idea there was a difference between a go-go dancer and a "gentlemen's club" dancer, and if your boss doesn't frequent these clubs he probably has no idea either. So.. if you told him now that you were a dancer at a gentlemen's club, his reaction might be.. "huh? you already told me that." Anyway I think you should tell your boss the truth about this client and his behavior, and let your boss decide the best course of action.

Basically, I’m worried that if I mention this man by name, my boss will immediately confront Mr. X about his behaviour – he's very protective of his employees and their rights – resulting in the end of their business relationship, and bad feelings all around.
Wait, what? You're worried that if your boss stands up for you, he might end up not doing business with a sexist jerk who is making inappropriate comments to you? That wouldn't be your fault. I hate to sound like Dr. Drew but maybe it's a good idea to step back and ask, why are you embarrassed of your past (there is completely nothing wrong with it), and do you value this guy's relationship with your company, more than you do yourself? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and don't feel bad about your boss standing up for his staff..
posted by citron at 1:00 PM on August 9, 2008

OK enough with the euphemisms. You were a stripper, and that's perfectly cool.
Tell your boss that you used to be stripper. He won't care. Guys like strippers. When you told him about the go-go dancer job he was thinking "stripper" anyway. We don't draw much of a distinction.

Then tell Mr X that your boss knows. End of story. I suspect that Mr X is being far less serious about this than you think - he's just enjoying flirting with you and "knowing your secret". I don't seriously think he's going to blackmail you in any meaningful sense of the word. But this ends the whole thing.
posted by w0mbat at 2:01 PM on August 9, 2008

I don't know man, I'm glad you guys have faith in the legal sytem. As if the law can't be perverted to coerce you into a position. Remember someone said upthread that you can be fired for omitting (lying in lawyerspeak) in your resume. You folks forget that this is a 15 year business relationship. My impression is she has been there less than 5 years. What she needs is to survive this with her work relationships intact, and not suffer resentment of her coworkers from the resultant break and that dreaded ripple effect.

I don't know where you guys work but where I work, if you don't keep your realationships you don't keep your job.
This is quite a pickle. If I were you- three the hard way - I'd pull him aside close the door and let him know clearly that this will not stand. be strong be firm, even sternly. Explain to him that he's got you confused with a different type of woman, that you are a professional and this is a place of business. at which point he will act like he does'nt know hat you are talking about then you close the conversation with an exclamtion mark.

Then, you tell your boss you are being harassed by someone and that it's not too alarming but will tell him if it happens again. That way you may be able to avoid the fallout and save your work relations. At least you'll have stood up for yourself instead of relying on the magic rubric of the law, which is still not a sure thing unless you are white. I wish it was as cut and dry as lothar said, but I don't think so.

This is just one man's advice. My sister used to be a dancer during her years at CUNY and she is the most well adjusted strongheaded fun-loving people I know. Very strange. I don't even know what kind of club is was but she remaind the same person since childhood, throughout and today. That experience far from defined her.
posted by Student of Man at 1:12 AM on August 10, 2008