How do you decide whether to move across country with a significant other?
May 12, 2010 11:47 AM   Subscribe

My long-term boyfriend is nervous about what will happen if I relocate with him. How do you decide whether to move across country with a significant other?

My SO and I have been together for over two and a half years. We are generally very happy -- good romantic life, we get along famously, have a lot of fun, and are best friends. This is the second serious relationship for both of us, though our first serious relationships were in high school. He is 28, while I am 24.
After two years of dissatisfaction with his job, my boyfriend is finally taking steps to move back to his hometown and find a job that he really likes there. I have lived in his hometown previously, and I loved it.
His career is one where he has far fewer options about location than I do. I can live basically anywhere.
The crux of the issue is that he has expressed some doubts about me moving across the country with him. When he explains it, he says that he would love to have me with him and still be with me, but he is still not certain he's ready to be married and would feel more pressured to take that step if I moved across the country. He also worries that we would break up, and I would be stuck in a city where I have a not-so-big network.
My take is that we've been together for a long time, are happy, can see each being the person for the long haul, and moving there is worth a shot.
Additionally, there is some resentment from me because I feel like he is trying to make the decision about whether to move for me. At the same time, if I moved across the country, I would want to live with him, and he might not be ready for that, and I don't want to put undue pressure.
Is moving across the country with an semi-ambivalent partner a bad idea? If I were to move, what should I be thinking about and expecting?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
If his worry is that you will be "on your own" and he would feel more pressure to stay in the relationship if things went bad to protect you. Just assure him that you will be fine, you'll get a new apartment and life will go on. You lived in the city before and you can do it again.
posted by amethysts at 11:53 AM on May 12, 2010


My take is that we've been together for a long time, are happy, can see each being the person for the long haul, and moving there is worth a shot.

I think you've got it right. It seems silly to end something good because of what *might* happen in the future. I mean, I get why he's nervous - but if you move there, and you said you love the town, and things go sour then it isn't the end of the world. But if you break up now, you'll always have that lingering 'what if' thing, and it won't be pleasant.

I was in your situation a few years ago. My SO and I were together for about 2.5 years and then we moved across - literally the entire way across - the country together. All of the bad and stressful things about it were about moving and getting jobs and finding a place to live - but not really the relationship. In fact, it was really nice to have the support during the transition. We're still together, and I don't regret it one bit.

Moving together does not mean you have to get married. It doesn't mean you have to do anything. All it means is that he wants a better job and the two of you don't want to be down with each other yet. He's nervous and that's fine - moving is nerve racking, but don't quit something because you're not totally sure it will work out in the end.

Go, go west young people (or east or whatever).
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:56 AM on May 12, 2010


Is moving across the country with an semi-ambivalent partner a bad idea?

Nope.

Letting one partner's mere ambivalence wreck an otherwise happy and healthy relationship is a bad idea. He may just be experiencing "cold feet" about the whole lifetime commitment thing.

Tell him "Hey, I haven't asked you to marry me yet, boy, and I'm not going to do it just because we move to a new town. But unless you don't love me anymore, I'm going with you."

-
posted by General Tonic at 11:57 AM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


*done with each other yet
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:57 AM on May 12, 2010


Tell him that he should stop projecting his own personal concerns on you; that is, he should stop talking about you being stuck. At the same time, his concerns about his own commitment are totally valid, and it's good he's communicating them to you.

Ultimately, here's your question: would you move there without him? If the answer is no, then he's correct, that you are going in large part because of the relationship, and it is up to you whether you're willing to assuage his fears about the additional commitment that he's obviously not ready for -- or let him know that he's right, that you do expect more commitment.

Now, if the answer is yes, then this is a non-issue, because you tell him so. Heck, tell him you're going to get your own place, and possibly move at a different time, because you love his home town and would love to live there. Just don't say it if it isn't true.
posted by davejay at 11:57 AM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's funny, I look at this question and go, "Yep, not only are all of his concerns valid, they are much more likely than not to occur." You have a fine boyfriend -- he apparently can see the landmines pretty clearly.

Moving together is a big commitment. Long-distance relationships don't work long term.

This decision point is either the end of something big or the start of something bigger. IMO, you really should decide now.

My wife famously tells the story of moving cross-country, and laying the boom on her then-boyfriend: "I'm moving to XYZ, and you're staying here."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:58 AM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


A million people will tell you that moving across the country with a semi-ambivalent partner is a terrible idea, but it depends on what the ambivalence is really about. If you think you're in it for the long haul and he's saying he's not, then that's a reason for concern totally independent of a cross-country move. His moving away just forces you to make a decision earlier.

On the other hand, if it was a case of him thinking, erroneously, that moving together basically = marriage, then you just need to have a conversation that makes the falseness of that assumption clear.

FWIW: My girlfriend and I were together for about the same amount of time as you guys when she moved across the country and began living with me. We were mutually reluctant for her to move just for the sake of the relationship, though, so it was fortunate that our choice was overdetermined: Toronto was also the best grad program for her, so she had another reason to come here. Financially it made more sense to live together than not to. That was three years ago and we're still together. Maybe that argues for looking at opportunities for yourself in his hometown that would be sufficient to make you move there even without him.
posted by Beardman at 11:58 AM on May 12, 2010


Moving in together and moving across the country together are two big steps that need not occur simultaneously. You can get separate apartments in the new city. That would make it easier to build your own social network.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:59 AM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


He might actually want you to move, while also being genuinely concerned that he is asking too much of you. My personal feeling is that he should either accept that your relationship is important enough for you to wish to remain close to him, or if he doesn't accept that, he should understand that you will end the relationship and seek someone else with whom you could have a greater connection.
posted by grizzled at 12:01 PM on May 12, 2010


It seems like he's actually being incredibly honest with you -- which is a good first step. But he may need to start being honest with himself. I don't know if there is an non-confrontational way to ask this, but you need to figure out if he's really just not ready to be as fully committed to this relationship as you are, as The World Famous suggests. And I advise non-confrontational because he may not know that he feels that way even if it's true. It's not that he's lying to you or even misleading you on purpose. But this sort of commitment that isn't really a commitment but is really a commitment is scary to him because he knows what it might mean and he's not ready for it on some level.

But don't take this advice to mean don't move. Just try to get these issues figured out before you do. Like I said, it sounds like he's being incredibly open with you. You just need to dig a little bit further so that the two of you know exactly what his actions (or inaction) means in this case. Worst case scenario, this is his non-confrontational way of breaking it off because he feels you're deeper in than he wants. But far better to know that now prior to the move.

Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:05 PM on May 12, 2010


Additionally, there is some resentment from me because I feel like he is trying to make the decision about whether to move for me.

If you're moving for him, he should have veto rights. If he can't come to a solid decision before he moves, it might be worth putting off your move until a few months after he gets there.

This is the second serious relationship for both of us, though our first serious relationships were in high school.

High school? Yeah, this is your first serious relationship.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:05 PM on May 12, 2010


I don't agree that he gets veto rights over whether you move to the same city he wants to move to. However, he does get veto rights over whether you live in his apartment and whether you continue dating. So I'm worried about this:

At the same time, if I moved across the country, I would want to live with him, and he might not be ready for that, and I don't want to put undue pressure.

Yeah, this isn't your decision. You get to decide what city you want to live in. You and he each get to decide for yourselves whether you want to move in with a significant other. Sounds as though he doesn't. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that, given his ambivalence about you moving at all, you should put any cohabitation plans on hold indefinitely. If you want to move to his city, do it for yourself, and get your own place. If you're not prepared for the possibility of living there alone without this relationship, a possibility that he seems to think might come to pass, don't move.
posted by decathecting at 12:09 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]


the sorts of things he's saying are the things i said to my ex before he followed me to oregon. what followed was another year and a half that we really shouldn't have been together because i didn't have the eggs to tell him i didn't want him with me. listen to what your boyfriend is telling you, and try to get him to say it more clearly so you don't get all the way out there just for him to break up with you.
posted by nadawi at 12:23 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I was you more or less five years ago. It is a really hard thing to do. I was really freaked out about it and one of my friends said, "you can always move back if it doesn't work out." That was kind of comforting to me. Here's what worked for me:

I did move in with my now Husband. I'm not sure I would have moved if he weren't willing to make that commitment.

I saved for a year so I could have money of my own to support myself, pay my own debts, pay my half of the rent while I was looking for a job. It was really important to me that I be able to support myself and not rely on him.

I made sure that I was in a position to find work pretty quickly. For me this meant taking almost a year to pass the bar and also working the few connections I had in the area.

I didn't move for almost a year. This gave both of us the room and space to adjust to the idea of my moving.

When I got there, I tried to cultivate my own hobbies and make my own friends. This was harder than I expected because we ended up spending so much time together. But in retrospect, I think I should have tried harder. It worked out with us getting married in the end, but if it hadn't worked out I really wouldn't have had a local support system to help me through it.

Hope that helps.
posted by bananafish at 12:28 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


OK, so here's my guess as to his logic:

1. You would not be moving if it were not for him; i.e. you're moving across the country for him.
2. A guy who has a girl move across the country for him, then breaks up with her, is an asshole.
3. Your boyfriend isn't an asshole.
4. Because of 1 to 3 your boyfriend can't break up with you if you move for him.
5. If you two don't break up, marriage is inevitable (unless you break up with him).
6. Because of 4 and 5, if you move for him, marriage is inevitable (unless you break up with him).

How to convince him? I would attack point 2 using some combination of:
* While it's sweet that he's thinking of you, you are not a lovestruck teenager being taken advantage of. Rather, you are an intelligent adult making your own decisions and capable of accepting risks.
* That you are aware of and accept the chance you might break up later.
* That reflecting this awareness, you have the practical means to manage if you did break up.
* That understanding all this, you would prefer to move with him and risk the relationship breaking up, rather than staying put and having it break up for sure.

If I were to move, what should I be thinking about and expecting?

I would be thinking about whether the bullet points above are true for you.
posted by Mike1024 at 12:44 PM on May 12, 2010 [19 favorites]


I moved hundreds of miles away to a city where I knew nobody with my ex. (We'd already been living together a year.) A year later, she broke up with me and I moved back home. I was glad I'd given it an honest chance and now I'm glad that I had the experience of living in that faraway city for a year.

It sounds like your SO is conflating a lot of things -- moving to the same city, living together, and marriage -- into one package, when they are in fact separate things. I suggest sorting it all out and figuring out exactly what each of you does want so that you can both move forward on the same page.
posted by callmejay at 12:46 PM on May 12, 2010


You don't need to move the same time he does.

Let him move first. That will clarify the relationship pretty clearly.

What I hear him saying is he likes status quo but doesn't want to marry you, and would feel pressure to do just that if you move because he doesn't want to be the guy that breaks up with you after you move for him. If he is not ready to be married now, then I'm thinking you don't need to move. Yet, anyway.

One other point. He could have decided to stay in town and get another job. He didn't.

Finally, if he really wanted you to move with him, why would he be expressing doubts? You know him better than we do, so only you could really interpret this, but if I were a guy and I really loved my gal heck yes I would want you to move, especially since you are more than willing. Listen to what he is saying!!!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:53 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


If you move, I would strongly consider living separately - moving across the country is a big enough step, you can see how it goes and then progress to moving in together.

My concern is that he seems to have decided to make this move across the country either without expecting you to come with him or without thinking it was enough of a factor to be a major influence for him. I could very well be off base, but to me that is another signal, on top of what he is saying to you, that he isn't ready for a commitment. That doesn't mean your relationship won't keep growing, but for me it's another reason not to live together right now.
posted by mrs. taters at 12:54 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


It could be a big step if you want to make it into that. And that seems to be what he's worried about being ready for. But it would also just be you both moving to a place you both like, and seeing what happens next. You need to talk about it and figure out exactly what kind of step this would be for you. And he might need to have a bit of a reminder that you are an adult who is capable of making your own decisions, and that he is not responsible for you.

I've been on your side of this before. And to a foreign country where I did not speak the language. It was great, and though we split up years later, I don't regret it for a second.
posted by Nothing at 1:50 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think that this might be his gentle way of telling you that marriage between the two of you is not going to happen, and putting some distance between you before he tells you that you are not the right person for him.

I might just be cynical, but I don't really buy the cold-feet or moving stress or commitment-fear angles on this.

I think he might just not be ready to settle down with you, and wants to see what else is out there. Sometimes the people are right, but the time is not. I would let him go and build your own life and maybe one day once all wild oats have been sowed you might both be single at the same time and meet and have a happy ending with marriage etc.
posted by meepmeow at 2:00 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Do you have a plan b? Such as "do I have enough money saved to move me and my stuff back / away at the drop of a hat and go without a job while I look for work?" Yes? No worries. No? Some worries. Life has some worries most of the time, though. Save up a nest egg of your own and go for it.
posted by eccnineten at 2:04 PM on May 12, 2010


It seems like there could be one of two things going on here, both of which have been identified already:

1. He might have decided he's not actually very committed and doesn't want to get married, and this is his way of letting you know. (See the first comment in the thread.)

2. He might be very committed and potentially interested in marriage, but honestly just not 100% sure things will work out for the long term and anxious about what things would be like if the relationship happened to run into problems. (This comment does a very good job at fleshing this out.)

It might be invigorating for us to assert that one of these things is definitely the case, but there's just no way for us to know that. You're in a much better position than us to figure out the answer since you know him and can talk to him.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:11 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Moving from one place to another with someone is really stressful. Regardless of your relationship status or anything either of you say, it will be stressful. Stress does funny things to relationships and to people. He might be trying to say that he doesn't want that stress to be part of his initial experience of moving back to Jonesville, I don't know. Either way, to think through this decision, take the stress you imagine feeling about the move and then multiply it by about three to understand how you'll feel on the bad days, and then imagine how you might reach out to him for support, and how that would go if he wasn't wanting to provide that support. It sounds like a vulnerable position to put yourself in, so hopefully, you'll plan a good escape route if you do go.

Personally, if someone was telling me they didn't want me to move with them, I wouldn't, but I can get prideful like that. I totally hear you on not wanting someone else to be deciding for you what risks you want to take, and if you want to talk this through and reassure him like Mike1024 suggests, more power to you.
posted by salvia at 10:50 PM on May 12, 2010


Extricate 'what you want to hear' from 'what he is saying.'
Listen to him. You asked, he answered. He seems to need to do this move by himself.
posted by hedonic.muse at 12:07 AM on May 13, 2010


Is moving across the country with an semi-ambivalent partner a bad idea?

Depends on how you feel about moving across the country, and how you feel about the partner. But if you recognize it's a gamble, and if moving across the country and then breaking up with him is something you're honestly comfortable risking in order to have the chance to see where your relationship goes, then no, it's not necessarily a bad idea.

If you're willing to go but not move in together yet, living separately would actually probably be a really good thing at this point, for a few reasons: 1) moving across the country together and moving in together is probably too much change in your relationship at once, at least for where he's at and maybe for you too; 2) it will help you develop your own life there separate from him, which should be good both for you and for the relationship-- it's really easy when you live with someone to just spend all of your time together, even if that's not what you intend to do; 3) it will probably help him feel less pressured and weirded out about where your relationship should be going/how quickly it should be progressing, which should be healthier for the relationship; 4) if you do end up breaking up it will be cleaner and easier on everyone.

If you're not willing to move without the level of commitment to your relationship that's demonstrated by being willing to live together, that's something you need to be honest with yourself about.

But if you're willing to just take a chance on it, then do what you can to convey your true feelings and decrease the level of pressure he's feeling. "Honey, I've lived in your hometown previously, and I loved it, and it's somewhere I could see myself living with or without you. I can do my work anywhere, so that's not an issue. And I'm comfortable with the fact that we're not at the point in our relationship that we're sure this is going to last forever, and that's fine by me, but you're special enough to me that I'd like to move to X so that I can be near you and so that there's still a chance we might end up together. I promise you, though, that I totally understand it's a gamble, not a guarantee. If we break up after I move there, I'll be fine even though I'd be sad, but I think I'd be sadder about not taking the chance to see whether or not this develops into something permanent. So if I do this, it's because I want to and it's with my eyes wide open, not based on any promises you're making me about our future. I'll get my own apartment and build my own life there, and I don't want you to feel pressured about our relationship-- I know that we might break up after we move, and that's okay with me. I don't see this as moving for you, with all the pressure and committment that involves-- I see it as moving for me. You haven't asked me to do it, it's what I want to do."

(Although if, no matter how hard you try, he is still freaked out by the idea, then that decreases the chances of things working out, and needs to get factored into your equation. You should recognize that it's really understandable for him to feel pressured in this situation, but if you keep telling him-- and meaning it-- "no pressure, I know it's a risk, it's one I want to take" and he's still uncomfortable about it, then maybe it's not that he's unsure about whether you have a future together, but that he's pretty sure that you don't.)
posted by EmilyClimbs at 8:07 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


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