Loosely clinging to reality. How do I sort my life out?
May 12, 2010 9:49 AM Subscribe
Loosely clinging to reality. How do I sort my life out?
I am 23 years old. I am a first year university student. I feel loosely attached to reality. I live through the computer, day in, day out. It is used to fulfil as many human needs as it feasibly can. I don't know who I am, what I want or where I am going. I am not sure I am studying the right degree, or whether I should be studying at all. I hate the university I attend, it is a run-down depressing hole, although the people are nice (as they are everywhere). The city I am in is said to be a desirable place to be, but it's just like any other major UK city. I constantly worry about my intelligence, about my IQ. I have no close friends. I have no 'life' to speak of. I endlessly think things to myself that are never expressed, those that I do somehow manage to 'get out' are filed away and never expressed or shown to anyone. My first year university 'career' is in a complete shambles. I am relatively ashamed of my past (living abroad doing menial work) yet at once know that a part of me was happy doing that, even though it was not what would be considered a sensible 'career' route. I am not in control of my financial situation, I have gone past the point of being able to delve into those matters and be confident about not ending up depressed, so I don't even think about it. I take the money that is handed to me by my parents and do not worry about it any further. At times I barely care enough about myself or feel like I can be bothered to go about sorting my life out, it seems so pathetic already. It almost certainly will get a lot, lot worse before it gets any better, in whichever direction I proceed. And hence I stagnate, alone, back where I started.
My life is a total mess. Where do I seek help? (My family is not the answer)
Additional Details
Whilst I was abroad there was a intense focus on a particular sport. I shunned this interest last summer when I decided that it had caused more harm than good to my life, and that it had rendered me dumber than I ought to be. Part of me still is in love with the sport though.
I am 23 years old. I am a first year university student. I feel loosely attached to reality. I live through the computer, day in, day out. It is used to fulfil as many human needs as it feasibly can. I don't know who I am, what I want or where I am going. I am not sure I am studying the right degree, or whether I should be studying at all. I hate the university I attend, it is a run-down depressing hole, although the people are nice (as they are everywhere). The city I am in is said to be a desirable place to be, but it's just like any other major UK city. I constantly worry about my intelligence, about my IQ. I have no close friends. I have no 'life' to speak of. I endlessly think things to myself that are never expressed, those that I do somehow manage to 'get out' are filed away and never expressed or shown to anyone. My first year university 'career' is in a complete shambles. I am relatively ashamed of my past (living abroad doing menial work) yet at once know that a part of me was happy doing that, even though it was not what would be considered a sensible 'career' route. I am not in control of my financial situation, I have gone past the point of being able to delve into those matters and be confident about not ending up depressed, so I don't even think about it. I take the money that is handed to me by my parents and do not worry about it any further. At times I barely care enough about myself or feel like I can be bothered to go about sorting my life out, it seems so pathetic already. It almost certainly will get a lot, lot worse before it gets any better, in whichever direction I proceed. And hence I stagnate, alone, back where I started.
My life is a total mess. Where do I seek help? (My family is not the answer)
Additional Details
Whilst I was abroad there was a intense focus on a particular sport. I shunned this interest last summer when I decided that it had caused more harm than good to my life, and that it had rendered me dumber than I ought to be. Part of me still is in love with the sport though.
I bet your university has a counseling department that would be able to help you or point you towards help.
posted by ghharr at 10:02 AM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ghharr at 10:02 AM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can you find some kind of work around you? Preferably something that serves others? Any kind of work with the disabled or home care? Part time? Even working in a restaurant would provide you an opportunity to meet people and learn better people skills.
You can continue your core studies--[part time?] until you find something that really fires your interest at college. Or maybe attend a vocational school where you can learn a skill.
The biggest trap you can get into is to focus on yourself...Take a look around you..find someone else to help out and you will help yourself.
posted by AuntieRuth at 10:04 AM on May 12, 2010
You can continue your core studies--[part time?] until you find something that really fires your interest at college. Or maybe attend a vocational school where you can learn a skill.
The biggest trap you can get into is to focus on yourself...Take a look around you..find someone else to help out and you will help yourself.
posted by AuntieRuth at 10:04 AM on May 12, 2010
Please see a therapist. Your university might offer counseling services. (I don't know how this works in the UK, but maybe someone on your side of the pond will chime in about this.) You might want to see a psychiatrist first, to be evaluated, so that you can get the lay of the land. Regardless, start by going into your university or local health center and talking to someone there.
From your description, it sounds like you are isolating yourself (which can be a result of depression, or which can feed existing depression, or which can even trigger depression on its own). It also sounds like you're understandably avoidant, but the best way to face depression is head on.
A therapist can help you do this.
Good luck.
posted by brina at 10:10 AM on May 12, 2010
From your description, it sounds like you are isolating yourself (which can be a result of depression, or which can feed existing depression, or which can even trigger depression on its own). It also sounds like you're understandably avoidant, but the best way to face depression is head on.
A therapist can help you do this.
Good luck.
posted by brina at 10:10 AM on May 12, 2010
It sounds like you are struggling with depression. There are a number of ways to deal with this, some involving counseling or therapy. If you're not ready to go that far, try this:
Turn off your computer. Don't turn it on again for a predetermined amount of time (say, a week, maybe longer). You must force yourself to find something else to do with your time.
It won't be as hard as you think. Step outside and wander for a while. Enjoy the weather. Visit a park, or a library/bookstore, or whatever other places where people gather. If you have friends around there, call them up for some impromptu hang-out. Doesn't matter if there's no predetermined agenda.
The longer your computer deprivation continues, the easier it'll become and the more fulfilled you will feel. You may even find yourself wanting to extend it as the end nears. This is okay.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 10:12 AM on May 12, 2010
Turn off your computer. Don't turn it on again for a predetermined amount of time (say, a week, maybe longer). You must force yourself to find something else to do with your time.
It won't be as hard as you think. Step outside and wander for a while. Enjoy the weather. Visit a park, or a library/bookstore, or whatever other places where people gather. If you have friends around there, call them up for some impromptu hang-out. Doesn't matter if there's no predetermined agenda.
The longer your computer deprivation continues, the easier it'll become and the more fulfilled you will feel. You may even find yourself wanting to extend it as the end nears. This is okay.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 10:12 AM on May 12, 2010
Good advice from AuntieRuth. It is often true that people who have trouble with their own lives benefit from helping others, since that will give you a sense of accomplishment and of having a meaningful role as a member of the human race. And there are always people you can help. Even the fact that you were able to post this question means that you are literate enough to help someone learn how to read, for example.
The fact that you endlessly think things that you do not express is not necessarily a problem; there are very few people who actually express everything that they think. However, if you have a lot to say, try writing a blog. Perhaps others will be interested. Or perhaps not. Even participation in this very website is good exercise in self-expression, and there are many other interesting sites as well.
Don't be too impatient. There is again nothing unusual about being uncertain of the direction of your life at the age of 23. Sometimes it takes a while to figure this out. However, it is also true that the sooner you find a productive direction for your life to take, the more you can accomplish with it. In general, try things, and see what works. Don't wait for opportunity to come knocking on your door. You have to do your own knocking.
posted by grizzled at 10:13 AM on May 12, 2010
The fact that you endlessly think things that you do not express is not necessarily a problem; there are very few people who actually express everything that they think. However, if you have a lot to say, try writing a blog. Perhaps others will be interested. Or perhaps not. Even participation in this very website is good exercise in self-expression, and there are many other interesting sites as well.
Don't be too impatient. There is again nothing unusual about being uncertain of the direction of your life at the age of 23. Sometimes it takes a while to figure this out. However, it is also true that the sooner you find a productive direction for your life to take, the more you can accomplish with it. In general, try things, and see what works. Don't wait for opportunity to come knocking on your door. You have to do your own knocking.
posted by grizzled at 10:13 AM on May 12, 2010
Maybe try a new sport, preferably a team sport -- soccer? It seems fun and as though it would use your brain a lot.
Also, if you don't have to work a job to support yourself, you might enjoy getting involved in theater productions at your university, maybe helping with props or set construction. Set construction, in particular, can be somewhat social.
Good luck.
posted by amtho at 10:53 AM on May 12, 2010
Also, if you don't have to work a job to support yourself, you might enjoy getting involved in theater productions at your university, maybe helping with props or set construction. Set construction, in particular, can be somewhat social.
Good luck.
posted by amtho at 10:53 AM on May 12, 2010
1- Talk with a school counselor. They should have extensive experience with students feeling how you feel, because college can put people's lives in a new context, your peers can make you feel less meaningful from their worldly lives or whatnot, or the freedom of choices can be daunting. I don't mean to make light of your situation, but college can make the world seem larger in an overwhelming way. You might be prescribed medicine now or in the future, and that doesn't mean you're broken not capable without medication. If you are to ask around, there are a surprising number of people on varying doses of medication for a variety of issues, and they probably seem normal and well-balanced to you. This may well be because of their medication.
2- As griphus said, unless the sports are causing mental damage, you'll be thinking about the world and relations of things in different ways while you're engaged in sports. It might not be curing cancer, but you're thinking, not just repeating the same actions over and over. Perhaps your team-mates didn't seem like top of the class, but I'd imagine they have a different understanding about the world than other classmates.
3- Find a club to join, even if you're sitting in the back to figure out if you like it or not. Get involved with a group who meet, discuss things (school related or not), and have fun. If nothing peaks your interest, throw yourself out there and start a club.
4- If finances are scaring you, there should also be a support system at your college. While they do want your money, they want you to do well (and possibly represent the college once you graduate). There are a surprising number of grants and low-interest loans available, depending on income, background, interests, and just doing some leg-work.
5- Find some joy in life, even if it seems shallow and fleeting. Find a reason to smile and enjoy yourself. You have opportunities before you - don't let the options and possibilities for failure overwhelm you, but look at the ways you could learn and excel.
Best of everything to you. MeMail if you'd like more ideas.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:34 AM on May 12, 2010
2- As griphus said, unless the sports are causing mental damage, you'll be thinking about the world and relations of things in different ways while you're engaged in sports. It might not be curing cancer, but you're thinking, not just repeating the same actions over and over. Perhaps your team-mates didn't seem like top of the class, but I'd imagine they have a different understanding about the world than other classmates.
3- Find a club to join, even if you're sitting in the back to figure out if you like it or not. Get involved with a group who meet, discuss things (school related or not), and have fun. If nothing peaks your interest, throw yourself out there and start a club.
4- If finances are scaring you, there should also be a support system at your college. While they do want your money, they want you to do well (and possibly represent the college once you graduate). There are a surprising number of grants and low-interest loans available, depending on income, background, interests, and just doing some leg-work.
5- Find some joy in life, even if it seems shallow and fleeting. Find a reason to smile and enjoy yourself. You have opportunities before you - don't let the options and possibilities for failure overwhelm you, but look at the ways you could learn and excel.
Best of everything to you. MeMail if you'd like more ideas.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:34 AM on May 12, 2010
Volunteer somewhere, helping people who really need it. It will put your life in perspective, give you something to do, and expose you to opportunities to try new roles and responsibilities and see if they fit you.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:49 AM on May 12, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 11:49 AM on May 12, 2010
nthing therapy and exercise.
A few ideas (IANA therapist. YMMV etc.):
Forgive yourself, and go from where you are now.
As Feynman was told, why do you care what other people think?
Sounds like you have some black-and-white thinking...maybe look into cognitive behavioral therapy to help see what positives there are, and go after more positives?
posted by sninctown at 11:54 AM on May 12, 2010
A few ideas (IANA therapist. YMMV etc.):
Forgive yourself, and go from where you are now.
As Feynman was told, why do you care what other people think?
Sounds like you have some black-and-white thinking...maybe look into cognitive behavioral therapy to help see what positives there are, and go after more positives?
posted by sninctown at 11:54 AM on May 12, 2010
Look on your student union website, there are a million different societies at all UK universities so you will definitely find one that is a good fit for you. They are a great way to get out of your room and meeting people.
I imagine you are registered at the university's health practice, they will be able to refer you to a therapist/counsellor. My uni also do workshops for dealing with stress and anxiety, how to revise, how to relax etc. My chaplaincy are arranging a (non-religious) trip to a pick-your-own fruit farm, since you are at a uni in a major city there will be something similar.
Don't worry about wasting your first year, unless you are studying medicine this year counts for very little in the long run. Also, this time of year is insanely hard, and depression is so so common.
I'm in my fourth year at Reading, memail me if you want to talk.
posted by ellieBOA at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2010
I imagine you are registered at the university's health practice, they will be able to refer you to a therapist/counsellor. My uni also do workshops for dealing with stress and anxiety, how to revise, how to relax etc. My chaplaincy are arranging a (non-religious) trip to a pick-your-own fruit farm, since you are at a uni in a major city there will be something similar.
Don't worry about wasting your first year, unless you are studying medicine this year counts for very little in the long run. Also, this time of year is insanely hard, and depression is so so common.
I'm in my fourth year at Reading, memail me if you want to talk.
posted by ellieBOA at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2010
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posted by griphus at 9:54 AM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]