How do you know if your relationship is right?
May 10, 2010 6:43 AM Subscribe
Am I beanplating or can a relationship with these "issues" last? How can I deal with my relationship anxiety?
I am a usually anxious, occasionally depressed individual.
Given that context, I want to know if I am just worried about nothing or if this is substantial.
My partner and I are both introverts. Sometimes it feels like we both have nothing to say to each other. Normal, or is this a sign that I should be with someone else, someone I always can think of something to say to and vice versa?
Also, we have different career interests. I have a feeling that people with different career interests can definitely be in happy relationships but I'm also thinking what if we would both be happier with people in our own respective fields?
Also I'm worried that our different fields will lead us different places, leading to our breakup due to being in different geographical places and not wanting an LDR.
Sometimes I feel very very strongly towards my partner (like I happily think about getting married) but other times I think maybe these reasons are indicators that we should break up and I feel doubtful (and pretty much fantasize about breaking up.. usually for no real reason, just a feeling that this might not be completely right). Literally a few days ago I was happily thinking about how good the relationship is and now I'm back to thinking it's just not right and we need to break up. This is a pattern, not just doubts popping out of no where. This has been happening for months, at least.
So, I'm thinking I'm beanplating this but maybe these are actual issues. I'm worried that my occasional malaise is coloring my perception of the relationship also. If I am just beanplating, as I think I might be, how do I not worry about these things?
How on earth do you ever know if a relationship is right?
I am a usually anxious, occasionally depressed individual.
Given that context, I want to know if I am just worried about nothing or if this is substantial.
My partner and I are both introverts. Sometimes it feels like we both have nothing to say to each other. Normal, or is this a sign that I should be with someone else, someone I always can think of something to say to and vice versa?
Also, we have different career interests. I have a feeling that people with different career interests can definitely be in happy relationships but I'm also thinking what if we would both be happier with people in our own respective fields?
Also I'm worried that our different fields will lead us different places, leading to our breakup due to being in different geographical places and not wanting an LDR.
Sometimes I feel very very strongly towards my partner (like I happily think about getting married) but other times I think maybe these reasons are indicators that we should break up and I feel doubtful (and pretty much fantasize about breaking up.. usually for no real reason, just a feeling that this might not be completely right). Literally a few days ago I was happily thinking about how good the relationship is and now I'm back to thinking it's just not right and we need to break up. This is a pattern, not just doubts popping out of no where. This has been happening for months, at least.
So, I'm thinking I'm beanplating this but maybe these are actual issues. I'm worried that my occasional malaise is coloring my perception of the relationship also. If I am just beanplating, as I think I might be, how do I not worry about these things?
How on earth do you ever know if a relationship is right?
People would like to have some unmistakeable method of knowing if a relationship is right. In the movies you can tell from the background music alone. However, there are no perfect people and no perfect relationships. We do the best we can, and if we are too demanding, we wind up alone. As the Beatles once asked, all the lonely people, where do they all come from? It's actually an interesting paradox, because there really are a lot of lonely people in the world, yet in theory, all they need to do is to get together with each other.
The problems that you describe do not sound very serious to me. If you do not want to wind up living in different locations and having a long distance relationship, you will plan your lives accordingly. It can be done.
posted by grizzled at 6:56 AM on May 10, 2010 [7 favorites]
The problems that you describe do not sound very serious to me. If you do not want to wind up living in different locations and having a long distance relationship, you will plan your lives accordingly. It can be done.
posted by grizzled at 6:56 AM on May 10, 2010 [7 favorites]
Depression can lead to beanplating and second-guessing a perfectly good relationship. It's sort of difficult to figure out from your question whether your relationship's a keeper - a lot of your question seems to be about what's going on in your head and not about how you two get along - but it does sound like you might benefit from looking into therapy for anxiety and possibly depression or dysthymia.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:59 AM on May 10, 2010
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:59 AM on May 10, 2010
You've gone beyond plating your beans -- I think you're well into mastercraft filigree bean-gilding at this point. Your beans are thoroughly encased. Put down the bedazzler and step away from the beans.
You can worry all day about what might happen or what could go wrong; the only way you know a relationship is right is if it makes you happy most of the time.
On your specific points: yes, every couple sometimes doesn't have a conversational subject at hand. Few couples are in the same line of work; the one case I know of it's actually a problem because they wind up feeling like they're in competition with each other. Careers don't magically lead you places, you choose to go places. You can choose to go together if you want; that's part of what a relationship means. Nothing is perfect all of the time.
posted by ook at 7:02 AM on May 10, 2010 [21 favorites]
You can worry all day about what might happen or what could go wrong; the only way you know a relationship is right is if it makes you happy most of the time.
On your specific points: yes, every couple sometimes doesn't have a conversational subject at hand. Few couples are in the same line of work; the one case I know of it's actually a problem because they wind up feeling like they're in competition with each other. Careers don't magically lead you places, you choose to go places. You can choose to go together if you want; that's part of what a relationship means. Nothing is perfect all of the time.
posted by ook at 7:02 AM on May 10, 2010 [21 favorites]
I have a feeling that people with different career interests can definitely be in happy relationships but I'm also thinking what if we would both be happier with people in our own respective fields?
I have a group of friends in a specific, scientific field, who basically want to talk shop all the time, from work to social occasions. Which is fine but it can get a bit tiresome. Personally, I'm really really glad my girlfriend is in a completely unrelated field because it gives us new things to talk about, not the same things I talk about all day. While wouldn't say no to an otherwise good relationship with someone in my field, I firmly believe that separate interests are pretty key in a relationship. Different careers is one easy way to facilitate that.
posted by 6550 at 7:02 AM on May 10, 2010
I have a group of friends in a specific, scientific field, who basically want to talk shop all the time, from work to social occasions. Which is fine but it can get a bit tiresome. Personally, I'm really really glad my girlfriend is in a completely unrelated field because it gives us new things to talk about, not the same things I talk about all day. While wouldn't say no to an otherwise good relationship with someone in my field, I firmly believe that separate interests are pretty key in a relationship. Different careers is one easy way to facilitate that.
posted by 6550 at 7:02 AM on May 10, 2010
Lots of couples include quiet people. Lots of couples are in different careers, to the point where I'd say it's more unusual if that's not the case. (Not bad, just infrequent.) As long as these careers aren't such that you *must* live in different areas--she's a leading expert in xeriscaping and you're a lobsterman, whatever--then there's probably some compromise to be made as far as where you live.
So, basically, your issues are all totally normal things that lots of people can deal with.
That doesn't necessarily mean you're fated to be together forever. But I think you need to get help for the depression and anxiety first. Otherwise you're never going to know how much of what you're feeling is that, and how much is real.
posted by gracedissolved at 7:15 AM on May 10, 2010
So, basically, your issues are all totally normal things that lots of people can deal with.
That doesn't necessarily mean you're fated to be together forever. But I think you need to get help for the depression and anxiety first. Otherwise you're never going to know how much of what you're feeling is that, and how much is real.
posted by gracedissolved at 7:15 AM on May 10, 2010
Anonymous said: "but I'm also thinking what if we would both be happier with people in our own respective fields?"
You form a relationship with a person, not their career. You might be happier with someone else, but what they do for a living is unlikely to have much effect on that. Unless they work in a field that you're particularly opposed to.
Try keeping track of when these thoughts/fantasies pop up, and see if there's any correlation. If there's a pattern like you say, this should help you find out what it is. Your depression will probably affect how you feel about various different things, so maybe track your mood as well as when you have the fantasies.
Relationships don't always work forever. One way to look at the situation is as a cost:benefit analysis. Are you getting a realistic amount of worth from the relationship compared to how much you're putting in? You shouldn't expect 10effort:90rewards, but also you shouldn't be in a 90effort:10rewards situation.
Don't analyse the relationship when you're depressed. Your perceptions will be skewed.
posted by Solomon at 7:17 AM on May 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
You form a relationship with a person, not their career. You might be happier with someone else, but what they do for a living is unlikely to have much effect on that. Unless they work in a field that you're particularly opposed to.
Try keeping track of when these thoughts/fantasies pop up, and see if there's any correlation. If there's a pattern like you say, this should help you find out what it is. Your depression will probably affect how you feel about various different things, so maybe track your mood as well as when you have the fantasies.
Relationships don't always work forever. One way to look at the situation is as a cost:benefit analysis. Are you getting a realistic amount of worth from the relationship compared to how much you're putting in? You shouldn't expect 10effort:90rewards, but also you shouldn't be in a 90effort:10rewards situation.
Don't analyse the relationship when you're depressed. Your perceptions will be skewed.
posted by Solomon at 7:17 AM on May 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Beanplating.
There is no magic rubric, mythic allegory, personal anecdote, old-folk saying, romantic movie or novel or anything that will apply to your REAL life and relationship. You are real. Your partner is real. You have a real relationship. It is really real. It is not something that you can apply science, statistics or divination to. It is not a story that you can narrate, a fable that will teach a lesson, or a heroic plot that will turn out happy or sad. It is what it is. You control your own choices, as does your partner. It's a whole lot easier to not take responsibility for your choices and say "it was fate" or "it was statistically unlikely" or "I performed a cost-benifit analysis" or "I prayed and god made my answer for me". It takes a big pair of gonads to say "I choose this", it's also liberating.
Introverts can be happy together. Democrats and Republicans can be happy together. Scientists and Artists can be happy together. They can also be terrible together. There is a nearly infinite range of human experience. Even if you could prove that it had never been done before, it still would not mean it could not be true for you.
Ok, so as for the "how do I stop doing this?" part. To paraphrase Niecy Nash, here's a big girl pill. You are responsible for you own happiness. Not your partner, not your job, bank account or the economy. Realize that when you are unhappy, it may seem reflexive to blame the biggest thing in your life. That can often be a romantic relationship. It doesn't mean that changing it will make you happy, or that it won't make you happy. It's a choice with consequences. Own your choices.
I think I understand where you're coming from, and I'm also a pretty anxious and worrying person. (thanks mom) I have moments where I panic and think "Oh my god, why can't he put his dirty socks in the hamper. WILL I BE SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE PICKING UP THIS MAN'S DIRTY SOCKS?!?!" I try to realize that they're just socks. I'm not freaking out about socks, I'm freaking out about the uncertainty of life.
posted by fontophilic at 8:16 AM on May 10, 2010 [12 favorites]
There is no magic rubric, mythic allegory, personal anecdote, old-folk saying, romantic movie or novel or anything that will apply to your REAL life and relationship. You are real. Your partner is real. You have a real relationship. It is really real. It is not something that you can apply science, statistics or divination to. It is not a story that you can narrate, a fable that will teach a lesson, or a heroic plot that will turn out happy or sad. It is what it is. You control your own choices, as does your partner. It's a whole lot easier to not take responsibility for your choices and say "it was fate" or "it was statistically unlikely" or "I performed a cost-benifit analysis" or "I prayed and god made my answer for me". It takes a big pair of gonads to say "I choose this", it's also liberating.
Introverts can be happy together. Democrats and Republicans can be happy together. Scientists and Artists can be happy together. They can also be terrible together. There is a nearly infinite range of human experience. Even if you could prove that it had never been done before, it still would not mean it could not be true for you.
Ok, so as for the "how do I stop doing this?" part. To paraphrase Niecy Nash, here's a big girl pill. You are responsible for you own happiness. Not your partner, not your job, bank account or the economy. Realize that when you are unhappy, it may seem reflexive to blame the biggest thing in your life. That can often be a romantic relationship. It doesn't mean that changing it will make you happy, or that it won't make you happy. It's a choice with consequences. Own your choices.
I think I understand where you're coming from, and I'm also a pretty anxious and worrying person. (thanks mom) I have moments where I panic and think "Oh my god, why can't he put his dirty socks in the hamper. WILL I BE SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE PICKING UP THIS MAN'S DIRTY SOCKS?!?!" I try to realize that they're just socks. I'm not freaking out about socks, I'm freaking out about the uncertainty of life.
posted by fontophilic at 8:16 AM on May 10, 2010 [12 favorites]
When should it come to the point of breaking up even though things are mostly good? When the issues between you cannot be resolved/accommodated, and to continue things will mean an unacceptable sacrifice regarding your happiness and well-being.
I highly recommend attempting the resolution/accommodation before throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Sounds like you two don't communicate much (as a result of your introverted nature). But this is a worthwhile discussion to have despite how scary it can be to bring up - future plans, your feelings for eachother, what accommodations you're willing to make for eachother, etc. - and will do much to help alleviate some anxiety, or at least help you make a more informed decision as to whether or not to ultimately break up. It might not be a quick one-time discussion either, it can take time for some people to think about their situation and form decisions. Get the process started - think on things for a while and try to identify what points make you waffle back and forth emotionally, then take a deep breath and go talk to him.
posted by lizbunny at 9:04 AM on May 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
I highly recommend attempting the resolution/accommodation before throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Sounds like you two don't communicate much (as a result of your introverted nature). But this is a worthwhile discussion to have despite how scary it can be to bring up - future plans, your feelings for eachother, what accommodations you're willing to make for eachother, etc. - and will do much to help alleviate some anxiety, or at least help you make a more informed decision as to whether or not to ultimately break up. It might not be a quick one-time discussion either, it can take time for some people to think about their situation and form decisions. Get the process started - think on things for a while and try to identify what points make you waffle back and forth emotionally, then take a deep breath and go talk to him.
posted by lizbunny at 9:04 AM on May 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Beanplating.
Sometimes it feels like we both have nothing to say to each other. Normal?
Totally normal. Right now we're more or less watching the news together; were we not, I genuinely couldn't name a topic on which we might immediately converse other than "what would you like to have for dinner?" (I mean sure, I could go with "Do you believe in reincarnation?" but that would be a little out of left field and I'm 100% sure I know the answer is no anyway.)
Guess what? Much of an established relationship is trite, banal and boring. That doesn't mean your partner is boring, it means that a life together is filled with many moments that are not lived in vivid technicolor.
The one skill I would encourage you to develop in this arena is that of maintaining curiosity about your partner. If you're genuinely curious what she thinks of what's on the news, or if he believes in reincarnation, or if she's ever wanted to run a restaurant or whatever, you won't be stuck for things to talk about when you do want to engage.
Also, we have different career interests. I have a feeling that people with different career interests can definitely be in happy relationships but I'm also thinking what if we would both be happier with people in our own respective fields?
Irrelevant. Careers change, people lose jobs, etc. Shared professional affinity seems actually quite a poor preference upon which to base a personal relationship to me but I've not given it a lot of thought.
Also I'm worried that our different fields will lead us different places, leading to our breakup due to being in different geographical places and not wanting an LDR.
This is, as others have pointed out, something you should discuss with your partner. It's a fairly normal conversation to have. We had this discussion early on and actually came up with a list of five or six places we'd both be happy to live in despite some differing criteria; thank God, because life changes at the speed of wow and we now actually do live in one of them.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:25 AM on May 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sometimes it feels like we both have nothing to say to each other. Normal?
Totally normal. Right now we're more or less watching the news together; were we not, I genuinely couldn't name a topic on which we might immediately converse other than "what would you like to have for dinner?" (I mean sure, I could go with "Do you believe in reincarnation?" but that would be a little out of left field and I'm 100% sure I know the answer is no anyway.)
Guess what? Much of an established relationship is trite, banal and boring. That doesn't mean your partner is boring, it means that a life together is filled with many moments that are not lived in vivid technicolor.
The one skill I would encourage you to develop in this arena is that of maintaining curiosity about your partner. If you're genuinely curious what she thinks of what's on the news, or if he believes in reincarnation, or if she's ever wanted to run a restaurant or whatever, you won't be stuck for things to talk about when you do want to engage.
Also, we have different career interests. I have a feeling that people with different career interests can definitely be in happy relationships but I'm also thinking what if we would both be happier with people in our own respective fields?
Irrelevant. Careers change, people lose jobs, etc. Shared professional affinity seems actually quite a poor preference upon which to base a personal relationship to me but I've not given it a lot of thought.
Also I'm worried that our different fields will lead us different places, leading to our breakup due to being in different geographical places and not wanting an LDR.
This is, as others have pointed out, something you should discuss with your partner. It's a fairly normal conversation to have. We had this discussion early on and actually came up with a list of five or six places we'd both be happy to live in despite some differing criteria; thank God, because life changes at the speed of wow and we now actually do live in one of them.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:25 AM on May 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think there's ever a way to know if a relationship is 'right'; no matter how good your relationship there's always the possibility of an even better match out there. However, when you'd rather be alone than with someone, you definitely know that a relationship is wrong.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:05 PM on May 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:05 PM on May 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
My husband and I are happy together when we're totally silent, reading good books or playing computer games. We are both introverts, and have a no-fault 'go away' clause in our relationship for those times when we can't stand the sight of another person, no matter how loved.
Our careers are definitely going to be taking us different places over the next decade ... well, more than likely.
Gotta say, by and large, we're happy, 10 years in (yay!). Things are not always easy (well, actually, things are pretty damn hard at the moment), but well, that's okay. Rainbows require rain, after all.
I'd say you are anxious, and your anxiety is feeding itself. A lot of the stuff you mention is something you should have a deep and meaningful with your partner about; find out if it bothers them, and if so, why; if not, why; and if it bothers you, or is just something to worry about for the sake of worrying. Anxiety is like that, sometimes. Well, mine is, at least.
posted by ysabet at 1:09 AM on May 12, 2010
Our careers are definitely going to be taking us different places over the next decade ... well, more than likely.
Gotta say, by and large, we're happy, 10 years in (yay!). Things are not always easy (well, actually, things are pretty damn hard at the moment), but well, that's okay. Rainbows require rain, after all.
I'd say you are anxious, and your anxiety is feeding itself. A lot of the stuff you mention is something you should have a deep and meaningful with your partner about; find out if it bothers them, and if so, why; if not, why; and if it bothers you, or is just something to worry about for the sake of worrying. Anxiety is like that, sometimes. Well, mine is, at least.
posted by ysabet at 1:09 AM on May 12, 2010
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posted by Jaltcoh at 6:52 AM on May 10, 2010