My stained beater, trackpants, cigarettes and three days growth - why can't I find a date?

May 7, 2010 8:38 PM

Why can't I meet someone who shares the same interests that I do?

OK, here goes:

People who are my friends are all married, with children. My kids are a little bit older and out of the house. A couple of years ago, I got divorced, nursed my mother through her last year of life, got a new job in a new country, and yet...there is still something or someone missing.

I am an older guy. Don't drink, musically inclined, played in a band, have a secure job, my friends are secure, intelligent individuals and they all say I am reasonably well balanced, humourous (duh, that's why I pay them), talented, yadda, yadda, yadda. I don't lie, don't do drugs, am not abusive, and generally try to be happy with each day.

I don't think I give off the vibe of desperation scaring women off; to the contrary, I attempt to remain polite when meeting new people. But I can't seem to meet any single women. Bar stars are a non-starter for me.

I continue to do what I like to do; run, play tennis, etc., but I still have not met anyone. Something obviously has to change. I am simply looking for someone to do social activities with concerts, tennis, coffees, etc, - unless it leads to something more.

I have tried online dating sites. Eharmoney, POF, etc. But those don't seem to work for me - I tend to be less interested in emailing endlessly until our relative schedules work out to meet for coffee. But I do get some really great offers for Viagra.

So, why can't I meet someone that I share interests with? And how do I change that?

Metafites, do your worst.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total)

You're physically active: running, tennis. Consider a group sport. I recently moved to a cow town from the big megapolis a little while ago. I'm into cycling, but in a commuter-y kind of way. I found out about a couple of group rides at the bike shop. Immediately, I was hanging out with a new group and met a couple of really great people that I clicked with.

If you're in the UK, hashing is a fun way to group run...you're with a cadre of merry trail running pranksters. It's a great way to meet people.
posted by kittenplease at 9:42 PM on May 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know you're wary of the online route, but have you tried Meetup.com? It's not a dating site. Groups are based around doing a certain activity together, and there's a wide variety. There are undoubtedly local running groups, and being an older guy is no problem. In fact, I'm 24 and I usually feel too young when I go to a meetup; the ones I've gone to were mostly people older than me, so you'll fit right in. Meetups are welcoming to newcomers, social but low-stress, a great way to meet activity partners, and possibly the aforementioned "something more."
posted by malapropist at 9:43 PM on May 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Seconding meetup.com!
posted by amro at 10:03 PM on May 7, 2010

I would also suggest meetup. It is perfect for your age group. I actually only used it briefly because I was just way younger than the average person. Most of the outdoors activity meetups I've been to were women in their mid-30s-early 50s and men in their early 40s-mid-50s. I think a lot of the women were divorced with older kids and were there to meet men, and they were all cute, fit, ladies who seemed really nice and down to earth.
posted by ishotjr at 11:52 PM on May 7, 2010

Do you like The Onion? If so, try The Onion Personals. It's been ages since I used them, but the theory was that the woman you meet would be the kind of woman who also likes The Onion, and that can't be bad. I know you're hesitant about online personals, but I think they give you some kind of broad eHarmony style personality matching just by virtue of not being a generic dating site. When you said you played in a band, it was the first thing I thought of.
posted by cali59 at 4:14 AM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

I have tried online dating sites. Eharmoney, POF, etc. But those don't seem to work for me - I tend to be less interested in emailing endlessly until our relative schedules work out to meet for coffee

If you haven't already, give OK Cupid a shot. I met my guy there 4 years ago, at the age of 46. And I was damn picky. You do have to be patient, though. As far as emailing endlessly - I think as we get older, women are more cautious about meeting strangers for coffee. We're more aware of the possibility that you could turn out to be a stalker freak. So they may want to talk online for a little longer than you're happy about.

Also, frankly, sharing interests isn't nearly as important as people think it is. Shared morals, ethics, intelligence level and activity level are important. But if you like tennis and she likes art shows, then you have the excitement of introducing someone to something you love. And your relationship will be less likely to get stale.

Actually, I can tell you where all the good, single, age appropriate women are. They're out by themselves, shopping, and meeting for lunch and trying to figure out where all the decent, single, age appropriate men are. Which is why I recommend keeping at it with dating sites. It took me 18 months to meet my guy, but it was worth it.

Also, try taking a course in something that interests you. Metalsmithing, canoeing, French cooking, whatever. There's liable to be women there, for the same reason.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:50 AM on May 8, 2010 [4 favorites]

Also, frankly, sharing interests isn't nearly as important as people think it is. Shared morals, ethics, intelligence level and activity level are important.

So true.
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 10:18 AM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]