He wants a break, and my world is falling apart.
May 6, 2010 10:13 AM Subscribe
About handling a relationship "break".
I've been in a relationship for three years. It hasn't been easy, and we both made big career-related sacrifices for each other. Lately, we've been constantly arguing/ bickering. He wants a break. He agrees that a) he's not the easiest person to deal with in a relationship, and b) we've had many darn good times together. We used to talk about where we'd live, and what our kids would be named... now - he tells me using a wave motion with his hands - that his desire to spend a lifetime with me alternates with wanting to end the relationship and move on.
I know it has a lot to do with his chagrin at how his career has tanked since grad school, but nevertheless, he feels that a lot of the bad things that have happened to him are due in part to how involved we became with one another. Long story short: he was my best friend, I went through a divorce, we started dating, he moved cross-country to take a job soon after. I was getting my doctorate at the time, and was to join him when I graduated, which was a few months later. During this time, we had many hours of emotionally-charged phone conversations, which he says indirectly related to him flunking the LSATs, and creating a personal atmosphere of distress. He was there for me throughout the emotional fall-out from my divorce, and just when I was about to move, he got laid off. Decided to move back here, and I give up the awesome job I had found in the city he was in to stay here with him. He came back, proceeded to get a second DUI (the first was a while ago, way before I knew him), with the result that we both had to get jobs we don't like, and his chances at law school are somewhat slim. However, just as he was there for me, I am there for him one hundred percent. I love him to pieces.
On my part, I can get very nasty, judgmental and be a drama queen when we fight. If we get in a fight when we're not together physically, then I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word, or to hurt him as much as he hurt me. This has stopped, as a result of a conscious effort on my part. Most of the time our arguments have to do with me feeling like he takes me for granted. I get over them quickly, but it seems to have worn him down.
The past couple years for me have been very emotionally difficult, and he has borne the brunt of it. I am a loner, have maybe two friends I can count on, no family support system and have made him the focus of my existence (obviously a bad move on my part). Marriage and kids are important to me, but I also want a career (something he thinks is very important in a woman - independence). Here's the thing, I know I can be unreasonable and I work hard to change that. He isn't a naturally kind person, and while he tries, the little things he doesn't do that most boyfriends would probably do bother me. Like disrespecting friends of mine he doesn't like, telling me I look nice when I dress up, or this habit he has of giving backhanded compliments sometimes. That being said, these are things that I can forgive - he's done things for me that are enormously generous, tries his best to make me happy, and I trust him with my life. Only now have I realized just how much our fights have affected him, and that a relationship shouldn't be THIS much work. I looked up our text history for the past month, and it looks like we've had mini-arguments every three days or so. And yes, I am sort of clingy. Perhaps I have to come to terms with his flaws and accept him the way he is - that he doesn't do conventional boyfriend stuff, and that for me to go psycho on him when he doesn't is fatal.
I apologize for this long post, but a conversation we had yesterday is here (click to enlarge). I am aware I might come off as a groveling fool, but I'm desperate to make things better for us. It hurts to breathe. Writing this, while cathartic, is making me shake. I love how smart he is, his smile, his hands, the look in his eyes when he's proud of me. It kills me that I make him unhappy. I want him to be proud of me, but right now I'm in a job that makes me unhappy and listless - although I am actively looking for a new one. Can someone please tell me if I can fix this? If this is really just a break, or is he trying to tell me gently that he's done? Please help with your insights, advice or experience. Thanks again, and sorry for the lengthiness of this question.
I've been in a relationship for three years. It hasn't been easy, and we both made big career-related sacrifices for each other. Lately, we've been constantly arguing/ bickering. He wants a break. He agrees that a) he's not the easiest person to deal with in a relationship, and b) we've had many darn good times together. We used to talk about where we'd live, and what our kids would be named... now - he tells me using a wave motion with his hands - that his desire to spend a lifetime with me alternates with wanting to end the relationship and move on.
I know it has a lot to do with his chagrin at how his career has tanked since grad school, but nevertheless, he feels that a lot of the bad things that have happened to him are due in part to how involved we became with one another. Long story short: he was my best friend, I went through a divorce, we started dating, he moved cross-country to take a job soon after. I was getting my doctorate at the time, and was to join him when I graduated, which was a few months later. During this time, we had many hours of emotionally-charged phone conversations, which he says indirectly related to him flunking the LSATs, and creating a personal atmosphere of distress. He was there for me throughout the emotional fall-out from my divorce, and just when I was about to move, he got laid off. Decided to move back here, and I give up the awesome job I had found in the city he was in to stay here with him. He came back, proceeded to get a second DUI (the first was a while ago, way before I knew him), with the result that we both had to get jobs we don't like, and his chances at law school are somewhat slim. However, just as he was there for me, I am there for him one hundred percent. I love him to pieces.
On my part, I can get very nasty, judgmental and be a drama queen when we fight. If we get in a fight when we're not together physically, then I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word, or to hurt him as much as he hurt me. This has stopped, as a result of a conscious effort on my part. Most of the time our arguments have to do with me feeling like he takes me for granted. I get over them quickly, but it seems to have worn him down.
The past couple years for me have been very emotionally difficult, and he has borne the brunt of it. I am a loner, have maybe two friends I can count on, no family support system and have made him the focus of my existence (obviously a bad move on my part). Marriage and kids are important to me, but I also want a career (something he thinks is very important in a woman - independence). Here's the thing, I know I can be unreasonable and I work hard to change that. He isn't a naturally kind person, and while he tries, the little things he doesn't do that most boyfriends would probably do bother me. Like disrespecting friends of mine he doesn't like, telling me I look nice when I dress up, or this habit he has of giving backhanded compliments sometimes. That being said, these are things that I can forgive - he's done things for me that are enormously generous, tries his best to make me happy, and I trust him with my life. Only now have I realized just how much our fights have affected him, and that a relationship shouldn't be THIS much work. I looked up our text history for the past month, and it looks like we've had mini-arguments every three days or so. And yes, I am sort of clingy. Perhaps I have to come to terms with his flaws and accept him the way he is - that he doesn't do conventional boyfriend stuff, and that for me to go psycho on him when he doesn't is fatal.
I apologize for this long post, but a conversation we had yesterday is here (click to enlarge). I am aware I might come off as a groveling fool, but I'm desperate to make things better for us. It hurts to breathe. Writing this, while cathartic, is making me shake. I love how smart he is, his smile, his hands, the look in his eyes when he's proud of me. It kills me that I make him unhappy. I want him to be proud of me, but right now I'm in a job that makes me unhappy and listless - although I am actively looking for a new one. Can someone please tell me if I can fix this? If this is really just a break, or is he trying to tell me gently that he's done? Please help with your insights, advice or experience. Thanks again, and sorry for the lengthiness of this question.
Best answer: I read that long chat you linked to, and he sounds like an unbearably hostile, emotionally abusive person, or at least someone who is chatting like an unbearably hostile, emotionally abusive person.
Dump him. If he wants a break, there's a break. If you two want to get back together in the future, do so, but right now, he's blaming you for everything that's wrong in his life, and that's not fair.
posted by xingcat at 10:20 AM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Dump him. If he wants a break, there's a break. If you two want to get back together in the future, do so, but right now, he's blaming you for everything that's wrong in his life, and that's not fair.
posted by xingcat at 10:20 AM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: We talked about the break, and we've mutually agreed that other people will not enter the equation. And while he blames me for some stuff, I don't blame him for much... although I will acknowledge that he makes me feel insecure, and that might bring out my nastiness.
posted by Everydayville at 10:25 AM on May 6, 2010
posted by Everydayville at 10:25 AM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: YOU need to take a break. Take a break from all this drama, and spend some time working out what you would like from your life, who you would like yourself to be, where you're going. Go for some long walks. Reconnect with a hobby you've forgotten you had. Use the break to think about you for a while instead of about him.
Hopefully he is doing a similar thing, and after a while of "break" he will know the answer to your question.
posted by emilyw at 10:25 AM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Hopefully he is doing a similar thing, and after a while of "break" he will know the answer to your question.
posted by emilyw at 10:25 AM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I couldn't bear to read too much of that chat, it was pretty awful. This stuck out at me:
He said this to you? "I will not let my relationship with you spill its toxicity into other things"???
Please, please dump this guy.
posted by amethysts at 10:26 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
He said this to you? "I will not let my relationship with you spill its toxicity into other things"???
Please, please dump this guy.
posted by amethysts at 10:26 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Honestly, it sounds like you two SHOULD break up, at least for now. The misery of all the drama just isn't worth it. If you're going to call it a "break", make sure you are really taking time away from each other, and not just moving to a new mode of relationship operation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:26 AM on May 6, 2010
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:26 AM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: Also - he's an adult (as are you), which means, he gets to make choices. The amount of time he devoted to his LSATs was up to him, not you - and he chose to not do well on them. The fact that he blames you for his choices is, to me, something you'd want to change ESPECIALLY before you did something like having kids, when it will turn into "my kid is mad at me/pooped its diaper/is not a genius and I BLAME YOU."
posted by mccn at 10:28 AM on May 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by mccn at 10:28 AM on May 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Just for another opinion - I don't think he sounds like an unbearably hostile, emotionally abusive person.
I've been the "me" in that chat, or at least, something close to it. I'm very ashamed to admit that, but whatever. My advice is: never, ever take conversations/arguments/pleadings about your relationship into chat.
Sorry I don't have more help to offer..
posted by little_c at 10:33 AM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I've been the "me" in that chat, or at least, something close to it. I'm very ashamed to admit that, but whatever. My advice is: never, ever take conversations/arguments/pleadings about your relationship into chat.
Sorry I don't have more help to offer..
posted by little_c at 10:33 AM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Frankly, while he's kind of rude in the way he's speaking to you, I have to wonder what you did that made him so defensive about his workplace. Were you calling him a lot at work? Trying to chat with him all day while he's supposed to be working? Talking to his coworkers?
Those things are really not okay. I don't blame him at all for saying that he doesn't want that kind of toxic desperation to spill over into a job, a place where he's supposed to be productive and engaged, a place where his bosses have access to all his electronic communications, and a job he apparently needs to have from your post (to pay back a DUI fine? trying to qualify for law school?)
My advice is to BACK OFF. He needs space and you are terrified of that, and desperately trying to hang on. Trust me, that never ends well. I've been the space-needer and the desperate hanger-on, and seriously--it does not end well. Not only that, but these kind of conversations never, ever go well over chat, or email, or even by phone. And he's too exhausted to have that kind of chat in person right now, so give it a rest.
He's right. Focus on yourself, and on your goals. I know it hurts terribly, but you do know that a life without him in it would have value, right? That it would be meaningful and even happy? Focus on that. Focus on being okay whether he's there or not, so that his issues won't make you shake with fear. It's pretty easy to love someone who's holding your hand. It's kind of hard to love someone who's hugging you so hard they're choking off your air supply. If you're the hugger, it's really hard to let go, but it's absolutely essential if you want any chance of saving this relationship. Good luck.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:34 AM on May 6, 2010 [16 favorites]
Those things are really not okay. I don't blame him at all for saying that he doesn't want that kind of toxic desperation to spill over into a job, a place where he's supposed to be productive and engaged, a place where his bosses have access to all his electronic communications, and a job he apparently needs to have from your post (to pay back a DUI fine? trying to qualify for law school?)
My advice is to BACK OFF. He needs space and you are terrified of that, and desperately trying to hang on. Trust me, that never ends well. I've been the space-needer and the desperate hanger-on, and seriously--it does not end well. Not only that, but these kind of conversations never, ever go well over chat, or email, or even by phone. And he's too exhausted to have that kind of chat in person right now, so give it a rest.
He's right. Focus on yourself, and on your goals. I know it hurts terribly, but you do know that a life without him in it would have value, right? That it would be meaningful and even happy? Focus on that. Focus on being okay whether he's there or not, so that his issues won't make you shake with fear. It's pretty easy to love someone who's holding your hand. It's kind of hard to love someone who's hugging you so hard they're choking off your air supply. If you're the hugger, it's really hard to let go, but it's absolutely essential if you want any chance of saving this relationship. Good luck.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:34 AM on May 6, 2010 [16 favorites]
Best answer: "the look in his eyes when he's proud of me"
That's a weird thing to mention twice. That and the withhold-y behavior on his part seems like a BAD combination. I don't want to label either of you as the problem. No one is perfect, but it's best to find someone who has flaws that don't negatively reinforce your own flaws. He seems like a real jerk, if that chat is a fair representation. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't call me!" Who the hell does he work for that he can't find a break to talk through things?
Fuck it, I say. Of course you could fix it, and maybe after a break you'll really want to, but right now I wouldn't focus on fixing anything. Just get away.
posted by pjaust at 10:38 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's a weird thing to mention twice. That and the withhold-y behavior on his part seems like a BAD combination. I don't want to label either of you as the problem. No one is perfect, but it's best to find someone who has flaws that don't negatively reinforce your own flaws. He seems like a real jerk, if that chat is a fair representation. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't call me!" Who the hell does he work for that he can't find a break to talk through things?
Fuck it, I say. Of course you could fix it, and maybe after a break you'll really want to, but right now I wouldn't focus on fixing anything. Just get away.
posted by pjaust at 10:38 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I really think you guys should take a very, very long break. I read your text, even though I was very uncomfortable that you would unilaterally post a private conversation with your boyfriend. (and STOP calling and texting him at work!) You don't sound grovelling, you sound obsessed, and I think that the amount of enmeshment that you exhibit in this relationship is not healthy for either one of you.
All relationships go through rough patches, but it sounds like yours has been one long, bumpy road. You depend far too much on this relationship to provide your sense of self worth, and that's never a recipe for happiness. He's being the responsible party here, try and listen to him and learn from this. Therapy would be a very good idea.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:49 AM on May 6, 2010 [10 favorites]
All relationships go through rough patches, but it sounds like yours has been one long, bumpy road. You depend far too much on this relationship to provide your sense of self worth, and that's never a recipe for happiness. He's being the responsible party here, try and listen to him and learn from this. Therapy would be a very good idea.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:49 AM on May 6, 2010 [10 favorites]
Best answer: While I'm not going to defend him, I will also state that I do not think he is a "unbearably hostile, emotionally abusive person."
If we get in a fight when we're not together physically, then I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word, or to hurt him as much as he hurt me
See this? This is one of the worst relationship behaviors I can imagine. I have been on the receiving end of this. It prevents the individual being called from getting a chance to think about what is going on. What are they thinking? "Stop. Fucking. Calling. Me." Hostile, yes, but deservedly so. You are contacting him at work where he clearly states he does not wish to be contacted. At work he does not need to be thinking of relationship problems especially if he is having as rough a time as you say he is. I am very glad to hear that you are working on it, but I think this relationship is long past its expiry date.
posted by griphus at 10:53 AM on May 6, 2010 [18 favorites]
If we get in a fight when we're not together physically, then I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word, or to hurt him as much as he hurt me
See this? This is one of the worst relationship behaviors I can imagine. I have been on the receiving end of this. It prevents the individual being called from getting a chance to think about what is going on. What are they thinking? "Stop. Fucking. Calling. Me." Hostile, yes, but deservedly so. You are contacting him at work where he clearly states he does not wish to be contacted. At work he does not need to be thinking of relationship problems especially if he is having as rough a time as you say he is. I am very glad to hear that you are working on it, but I think this relationship is long past its expiry date.
posted by griphus at 10:53 AM on May 6, 2010 [18 favorites]
Eeesh. The amount of misery and codependent dramarama in that chat made my skin crawl. Do you hear him repeatedly pleading with you to focus on your own goals and stop focusing so much energy on him and your relationship? DO THAT.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:54 AM on May 6, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by ottereroticist at 10:54 AM on May 6, 2010 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Don't have this sort of conversation over IM. Ever. This sort of thing needs to be done in person.
(For the record I don't think he sounded "emotionally abusive;" I think he sounded like he was trying to end the conversation and get back to work. I get the distinct vibe that "I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word" hasn't stopped at all, it's just changed venue.)
You two sound like you both blame each other for many things (the state of your careers, his LSAT and DUI, your lack of friends) which are not the other person's fault. You sound like you argue constantly. You sound terribly clingy and overdependent on him; he sounds like he doesn't treat you very well.
You sound like you need a break from each other.
posted by ook at 10:57 AM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
(For the record I don't think he sounded "emotionally abusive;" I think he sounded like he was trying to end the conversation and get back to work. I get the distinct vibe that "I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word" hasn't stopped at all, it's just changed venue.)
You two sound like you both blame each other for many things (the state of your careers, his LSAT and DUI, your lack of friends) which are not the other person's fault. You sound like you argue constantly. You sound terribly clingy and overdependent on him; he sounds like he doesn't treat you very well.
You sound like you need a break from each other.
posted by ook at 10:57 AM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: As Light Fantastic pointed out, I apologize for the possible discomfort associated with my posting of this private conversation. However, it somehow helps me to know how I'M at fault, because I have, at times, felt like all this is HIS insensitiveness. Perhaps I'm the one being insensitive in this particular case.
posted by Everydayville at 10:59 AM on May 6, 2010
posted by Everydayville at 10:59 AM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: You and he and we could go on and on dissecting your relationship and each of your individual sacrifices and unintentional failings. We could keep scores of who did what wrong when, but what you did here wasn't quite as bad as what he did there because you didn't mean it that way, so that's minus points for him, and so on... We could go on for days and days...
None of that would change the fact that no matter who's right or wrong, the two of you are just no good for each other. You bring out the worst in each other. Too many toxic words have been exchanged, too much has happened. Sometimes there are things said or done that can never be taken back and there's no starting over fresh. There's simply nothing left that can be salvaged.
I'm sorry, but it's done. It sounds as though he's been done for some time now. And it might not seem this way now, but you need to get out from under this relationship too. Just reading your question and the texted argument was utterly exhausting. It's DONE. But if breaking up right now is absolutely not an option, then take the break. Try experiencing what life is without him again. Figure out who you are and what you're capable of without a constant crutch to lean on. Only then will there be any chance of "fixing" this relationship... or perhaps you'll simply find the strength to let it go.
posted by keep it under cover at 10:59 AM on May 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
None of that would change the fact that no matter who's right or wrong, the two of you are just no good for each other. You bring out the worst in each other. Too many toxic words have been exchanged, too much has happened. Sometimes there are things said or done that can never be taken back and there's no starting over fresh. There's simply nothing left that can be salvaged.
I'm sorry, but it's done. It sounds as though he's been done for some time now. And it might not seem this way now, but you need to get out from under this relationship too. Just reading your question and the texted argument was utterly exhausting. It's DONE. But if breaking up right now is absolutely not an option, then take the break. Try experiencing what life is without him again. Figure out who you are and what you're capable of without a constant crutch to lean on. Only then will there be any chance of "fixing" this relationship... or perhaps you'll simply find the strength to let it go.
posted by keep it under cover at 10:59 AM on May 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: From reading the chat, it sounds like you've backed him into a corner--at work, which is a terrible place to have an emotional conversation. That's why it doesn't seem abusive--he just seems like he's lost control of his emotions and wants out of the conversation. He seems confused to me and in need of time to think. On one hand he loves you, and wants you to succeed. On the other, he wants to be away from the unhealthy ways you have of relating to each other. Notice that this doesn't necessarily mean wanting to be away from YOU.
At this point, you're both too upset to have a conversation about where the relationship is going. If you keep contacting each other, it will only get worse. A break is very necessary, and you should take it. It's almost the weekend. Take a short day trip away, if you can. Being among unfamiliar people can help you get perspective.
What you might want to think about: Is the level of fighting you have acceptable to you? Imagine yourself in 20 years--do you want to look back at the last 20 years and realize you've spent it hurting each other? How much fighting is related to the stress you feel at not reaching the level of success you want? Do you think you can stop blaming each other for the fact that your careers aren't where you want them to be? Do you think he can learn to be more openly loving and considerate (so that he doesn't trigger as many of these fights)? What can you do, together, to fix your career trajectories? Do you think you can make more friendships outside of your relationship so that you aren't so dependent on him for friendship? Finally, are you willing to bring in a relationship counselor? Ask him if he would be willing to see one with you.
When I was completely at sea about whether or not I would be successful, I had a lot of fights with my partner. My anxiety about my life made me much more vulnerable to slights, which led to bickering, which led to arguments. My partner is a little inconsiderate and insensitive, like yours. And I have a thin skin, so I tended to blow the little things he did or didn't do up into grand dramas about why I wasn't important to him. Once I found some success, it became much easier to accept the bigger gestures of affection and let go of the lack of little ones. Because of this, I think he's on the right track in encouraging you to improve your life instead of focusing on him.
posted by millions of peaches at 11:03 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
At this point, you're both too upset to have a conversation about where the relationship is going. If you keep contacting each other, it will only get worse. A break is very necessary, and you should take it. It's almost the weekend. Take a short day trip away, if you can. Being among unfamiliar people can help you get perspective.
What you might want to think about: Is the level of fighting you have acceptable to you? Imagine yourself in 20 years--do you want to look back at the last 20 years and realize you've spent it hurting each other? How much fighting is related to the stress you feel at not reaching the level of success you want? Do you think you can stop blaming each other for the fact that your careers aren't where you want them to be? Do you think he can learn to be more openly loving and considerate (so that he doesn't trigger as many of these fights)? What can you do, together, to fix your career trajectories? Do you think you can make more friendships outside of your relationship so that you aren't so dependent on him for friendship? Finally, are you willing to bring in a relationship counselor? Ask him if he would be willing to see one with you.
When I was completely at sea about whether or not I would be successful, I had a lot of fights with my partner. My anxiety about my life made me much more vulnerable to slights, which led to bickering, which led to arguments. My partner is a little inconsiderate and insensitive, like yours. And I have a thin skin, so I tended to blow the little things he did or didn't do up into grand dramas about why I wasn't important to him. Once I found some success, it became much easier to accept the bigger gestures of affection and let go of the lack of little ones. Because of this, I think he's on the right track in encouraging you to improve your life instead of focusing on him.
posted by millions of peaches at 11:03 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm curious what you by when you say that maybe it's a cultural thing (in the chat transcript)? What culture?
posted by anniecat at 11:21 AM on May 6, 2010
posted by anniecat at 11:21 AM on May 6, 2010
Response by poster: I'm Middle Eastern/ Southeast Asian. Maybe this is an incorrect assessment, but we tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves, get emotional, and have more... verbal arguments. Of course, it is compounded by my personality. But this is in comparison to my (ex?)boyfriend, who was raised in a very calm, controlled environment - his family is ancestrally Danish/ Swedish.
posted by Everydayville at 11:29 AM on May 6, 2010
posted by Everydayville at 11:29 AM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: Well, after reading the chat transcript, I have to strongly tell you that calling him at work when you're upset is not okay. If that had happened to me, I would have cut that partner out of my life for crossing boundaries and not understanding that I depend on my job for my livelihood. If someone constantly defied my request, then I would have no choice but to cut them out. So he's actually still being nice to you by not blocking you out of chat and trying to make you feel better. He's confused. You have to change and leave him alone and figure out what you want.
posted by anniecat at 11:31 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by anniecat at 11:31 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm Middle Eastern/ Southeast Asian. Maybe this is an incorrect assessment, but we tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves, get emotional, and have more... verbal arguments.
Okay, I'm Indian, born and raised in India, and maybe ME culture is different, but in my family, there was a good amount of leaving well enough alone, which I didn't do in my relationship until much later on because it wasn't worth the arguments and fighting and bad feelings. You're hurting yourself by letting yourself fight. You can't rely on him to meet all your emotional needs. You have to sort of diversify your portfolio of stuff and people that can meet your needs, and seriously consider the prospect of never meeting anybody romantically (not realistic, but only to create a way not to rely on romantic partners). Then you can really realize what you need and fulfill yourself.
posted by anniecat at 11:36 AM on May 6, 2010
Okay, I'm Indian, born and raised in India, and maybe ME culture is different, but in my family, there was a good amount of leaving well enough alone, which I didn't do in my relationship until much later on because it wasn't worth the arguments and fighting and bad feelings. You're hurting yourself by letting yourself fight. You can't rely on him to meet all your emotional needs. You have to sort of diversify your portfolio of stuff and people that can meet your needs, and seriously consider the prospect of never meeting anybody romantically (not realistic, but only to create a way not to rely on romantic partners). Then you can really realize what you need and fulfill yourself.
posted by anniecat at 11:36 AM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: None of this is healthy for either of you.
You are clingy because you are not nourished and supported in your relationship. You are not supported and nourished in your relationship because you do not love and respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to be mistreated. I don't think he's emotionally abusive, but I think he's a tool if he disrespects your friends or has to give backhanded compliments (in the example above).
I agree that you are done and this is over. And if the best way to end it is to take the break, then take the break, but it has to be a break, not you continually begging for help and support.
posted by micawber at 11:54 AM on May 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
You are clingy because you are not nourished and supported in your relationship. You are not supported and nourished in your relationship because you do not love and respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to be mistreated. I don't think he's emotionally abusive, but I think he's a tool if he disrespects your friends or has to give backhanded compliments (in the example above).
I agree that you are done and this is over. And if the best way to end it is to take the break, then take the break, but it has to be a break, not you continually begging for help and support.
posted by micawber at 11:54 AM on May 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
Best answer: You desperately need a break. If not for the relationship, then for you. You need to ease up on the reins.
Also, if you learn one lesson from this, let it be: don't bug people at work. That is a dealbreaker and he was very kind to you considering what you are doing by intruding into this part of his life.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 12:24 PM on May 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
Also, if you learn one lesson from this, let it be: don't bug people at work. That is a dealbreaker and he was very kind to you considering what you are doing by intruding into this part of his life.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 12:24 PM on May 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This guy sounds like a loser who's blaming you for his own incompetence. I mean, seriously, blaming you for flunking the LSATs? Lame. DTMFA. Move on and meet someone better.
posted by Kurichina at 12:44 PM on May 6, 2010
posted by Kurichina at 12:44 PM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: He wants out.
He's right about how you need to focus on your own goals. He's not interested in helping you with them, and soon he won't be there at all.
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posted by General Tonic at 12:49 PM on May 6, 2010
He's right about how you need to focus on your own goals. He's not interested in helping you with them, and soon he won't be there at all.
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posted by General Tonic at 12:49 PM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: With utmost sympathy for your being really upset right now, because I know how feeling that way can make someone act... just reading that conversation made me feel suffocated and stressed on behalf of your boyfriend.
Now, I don't know where this starts. But the behavior that you describe on your part -- especially the clinginess and constant calling and constantly starting arguments -- will make any decent SO into an asshole. So when you say he does all these things to make you upset, I'm inclined to think the bigger problem is your stressing him out and provoking some of his reactions.
Granted, someone who does the things he does -- backhanded compliments, disrespecting your friends -- is going to make you insecure and if you're inclined to do those things, it's going to trigger it. But you also admittedly flip out when he just doesn't meet your expectations, like telling you look nice when you dress up. That makes you sound pretty insecure to me, and while being in a bad relationship can make you freak out over things you might not normally, I'm not sure it's just because of his behavior. It makes me curious to know what issues were present in your last relationship that caused your divorce. I mean this as gently as possible: you're acting in a way that most people would find nutty and unbearable.
I'm especially curious since you seem to think your behavior isn't all that unusual, since your follow-up portrays it as normal in your culture. So let me say this: regardless of your culture or what dick things someone else does to you in a relationship, it is NEVER helpful to be as clingy as you're being, it is NEVER helpful to flip out over everything, it is NEVER helpful to disrespect their boundaries because you're flipping out and *must* talk to them. No one wants to be with someone like that. It is stressful and toxic. People want to be with someone who accepts them, not someone who's constantly upset that they're lacking certain qualities. People want to be with someone who makes them feel safe, not someone they have to worry will erupt into an argument over everything. People want to be with someone who respects their boundaries and will not dissolve into a hysterical mess. People want to be with someone who doesn't purposely try to hurt them, not someone who will call them fifty times just to get the last word.
When I read the conversation you had with your boyfriend, I found myself rooting for him to run far away, and for both of your sakes I hope you don't get back together. I know it must really suck to hear that. You need time to reflect on this, though, and ask yourself why you did all those things.
posted by Nattie at 12:53 PM on May 6, 2010 [15 favorites]
Now, I don't know where this starts. But the behavior that you describe on your part -- especially the clinginess and constant calling and constantly starting arguments -- will make any decent SO into an asshole. So when you say he does all these things to make you upset, I'm inclined to think the bigger problem is your stressing him out and provoking some of his reactions.
Granted, someone who does the things he does -- backhanded compliments, disrespecting your friends -- is going to make you insecure and if you're inclined to do those things, it's going to trigger it. But you also admittedly flip out when he just doesn't meet your expectations, like telling you look nice when you dress up. That makes you sound pretty insecure to me, and while being in a bad relationship can make you freak out over things you might not normally, I'm not sure it's just because of his behavior. It makes me curious to know what issues were present in your last relationship that caused your divorce. I mean this as gently as possible: you're acting in a way that most people would find nutty and unbearable.
I'm especially curious since you seem to think your behavior isn't all that unusual, since your follow-up portrays it as normal in your culture. So let me say this: regardless of your culture or what dick things someone else does to you in a relationship, it is NEVER helpful to be as clingy as you're being, it is NEVER helpful to flip out over everything, it is NEVER helpful to disrespect their boundaries because you're flipping out and *must* talk to them. No one wants to be with someone like that. It is stressful and toxic. People want to be with someone who accepts them, not someone who's constantly upset that they're lacking certain qualities. People want to be with someone who makes them feel safe, not someone they have to worry will erupt into an argument over everything. People want to be with someone who respects their boundaries and will not dissolve into a hysterical mess. People want to be with someone who doesn't purposely try to hurt them, not someone who will call them fifty times just to get the last word.
When I read the conversation you had with your boyfriend, I found myself rooting for him to run far away, and for both of your sakes I hope you don't get back together. I know it must really suck to hear that. You need time to reflect on this, though, and ask yourself why you did all those things.
posted by Nattie at 12:53 PM on May 6, 2010 [15 favorites]
Best answer: which he says indirectly related to him flunking the LSATs, and creating a personal atmosphere of distress. He was there for me throughout the emotional fall-out from my divorce, and just when I was about to move, he got laid off. Decided to move back here, and I give up the awesome job I had found in the city he was in to stay here with him. He came back, proceeded to get a second DUI (the first was a while ago, way before I knew him), with the result that we both had to get jobs we don't like, and his chances at law school are somewhat slim.
I forgot to mention it before, but this guy sounds like he's in a really rough spot developmentally. DUIs, blaming you for his flunking the LSATs? He's just going to hurt you and blame you until his figures himself out. He also said in the chat that he wants to be more proud of you. I don't like his saying that and he sounds like he's being honest. He's thinking of you fairly objectively when he's criticizing you, like you're not good enough for him, even though he says he loves you.
Dump this guy, make new friends, go see a counselor/psychiatrist to get through the depression, and I think you'll find someone new. This guy is immature still and you both are going to make each other miserable.
posted by anniecat at 12:55 PM on May 6, 2010
I forgot to mention it before, but this guy sounds like he's in a really rough spot developmentally. DUIs, blaming you for his flunking the LSATs? He's just going to hurt you and blame you until his figures himself out. He also said in the chat that he wants to be more proud of you. I don't like his saying that and he sounds like he's being honest. He's thinking of you fairly objectively when he's criticizing you, like you're not good enough for him, even though he says he loves you.
Dump this guy, make new friends, go see a counselor/psychiatrist to get through the depression, and I think you'll find someone new. This guy is immature still and you both are going to make each other miserable.
posted by anniecat at 12:55 PM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: I stopped reading at two DUIs.
That right there should be a deal-breaker for anyone. I don't care how many other good things you tell me about him. One DUI is maybe forgivable. Two DUIs says he has no respect for other's safety, he doesn't plan, doesn't learn, and he has a disregard for rules and authority that suggests any number of other problematic personality traits.
You say you trust him with your life. I want you to ponder that statement very carefully the next time you think about being a passenger in his car.
posted by slow graffiti at 12:56 PM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
That right there should be a deal-breaker for anyone. I don't care how many other good things you tell me about him. One DUI is maybe forgivable. Two DUIs says he has no respect for other's safety, he doesn't plan, doesn't learn, and he has a disregard for rules and authority that suggests any number of other problematic personality traits.
You say you trust him with your life. I want you to ponder that statement very carefully the next time you think about being a passenger in his car.
posted by slow graffiti at 12:56 PM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'd temper slow graffiti's comment a little -- I think that the legal situation and his ability to make good judgements may be called into question, but what those facts tell me more than anything is that this is a guy who is prone to following a particular pattern with his life, and is not able to easily break out of it. A lot of people are repeat offenders of negative behavior not because they don't know better, but because they're so attached to the situation that caused the original behavior that they are apt to repeat it.
There's a lesson, there. If this is a genuine break, then there's a chance to refresh things. But I would treat this like the end of the relationship. If for some reason it begins again, treat it like a new thing -- if you wouldn't accept someone new treating you this way, then do not let him. Don't factor in the times you've had; evaluate what you get day-to-day.
I think if you did this, even without a break, you'd leave.
posted by mikeh at 1:32 PM on May 6, 2010
There's a lesson, there. If this is a genuine break, then there's a chance to refresh things. But I would treat this like the end of the relationship. If for some reason it begins again, treat it like a new thing -- if you wouldn't accept someone new treating you this way, then do not let him. Don't factor in the times you've had; evaluate what you get day-to-day.
I think if you did this, even without a break, you'd leave.
posted by mikeh at 1:32 PM on May 6, 2010
Best answer: Wow. I am more likely to be you in that conversation, and reading it made me feel ashamed of myself for it. Take a break. Leave him alone.
posted by jacalata at 1:40 PM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by jacalata at 1:40 PM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Read your chat. You have a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety and you are looking for relief from your boyfriend. You need to find some inner balance and peace and get relief from your suffering in another way. I can imagine how you feel inside: you get insecure, then anxious, then the anxiety becomes unbearable, and then all of a sudden you are calling him at work incessantly. You need to stop, and get some help - therapy and possibly anti-anxiety medication.
posted by zia at 1:52 PM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zia at 1:52 PM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Have you ever read about what happens when a British person meets a Greek person? Greek people like to stand very close to one another when they talk. But if you stand that close to a British person, they feel uncomfortable and take a step back. The Greek person feels uncomfortable with the distance and takes a step forward.... soon they look like they are chasing each other across the room, until the Greek person has the British person backed up against a wall and frantically looking for a way to escape.
This Greek thing is what it sounds like you are doing. You have a naturally tendency to engage in high drama when you are upset. Your boyfriend perhaps likes to withdraw a bit, think things over, and wait until he's calmer before addressing problems. So he withdraws, you see this as a sign that he doesn't care, so you chase after him and get more upset and dramatic. This upsets him more so he withdraws more, and sooner or later you have him backed up against a wall, where he is cornered and has no way to escape. He probably does really literally need a break, just like the British guy does!
My partner yells when he is upset. If I go off somewhere to avoid it, he wants to come after me and yell some more and it just gets worse until I want to leave and never come back. The solution? If he starts yelling, I just yell back. Usually this solves the whole problem in 30 seconds. Unbelievable!
I don't suggest you solve your problem by asking your boyfriend to yell at you, necessarily. But if you are going to make this work, one or both of you is going to have to change the way you deal with conflict. At least, start out by trying to understand how your backgrounds are affecting the way you act and how it's combining to create such a mess.
posted by emilyw at 1:59 PM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
This Greek thing is what it sounds like you are doing. You have a naturally tendency to engage in high drama when you are upset. Your boyfriend perhaps likes to withdraw a bit, think things over, and wait until he's calmer before addressing problems. So he withdraws, you see this as a sign that he doesn't care, so you chase after him and get more upset and dramatic. This upsets him more so he withdraws more, and sooner or later you have him backed up against a wall, where he is cornered and has no way to escape. He probably does really literally need a break, just like the British guy does!
My partner yells when he is upset. If I go off somewhere to avoid it, he wants to come after me and yell some more and it just gets worse until I want to leave and never come back. The solution? If he starts yelling, I just yell back. Usually this solves the whole problem in 30 seconds. Unbelievable!
I don't suggest you solve your problem by asking your boyfriend to yell at you, necessarily. But if you are going to make this work, one or both of you is going to have to change the way you deal with conflict. At least, start out by trying to understand how your backgrounds are affecting the way you act and how it's combining to create such a mess.
posted by emilyw at 1:59 PM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I read the chat. You are breaking up. Advice? Try to let him go gracefully, and build a life of your own that isn't focused around somebody else's identity.
posted by jokeefe at 2:32 PM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by jokeefe at 2:32 PM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: During this time, we had many hours of emotionally-charged phone conversations, which he says indirectly related to him flunking the LSATs, and creating a personal atmosphere of distress.
I'm not sure why and what the emotionally-charged phone conversations were about, but I can understand that all that stress led him to doing poorly on the LSATs.
I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word, or to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
Thank GOD you stopped that. I hope you've also stopped trying to have the last word, or to hurt him as much as you feel you've been hurt.
I'm desperate to make things better for us. It hurts to breathe. Writing this, while cathartic, is making me shake. I love how smart he is, his smile, his hands, the look in his eyes when he's proud of me. It kills me that I make him unhappy. I want him to be proud of me,
Just by this alone, I really think you should read How to Break Your Addiction to A Person because it sounds like these are addictive behaviours. Feeling desperate is so unhealthy, and you're having physical reactions to your own desperation - hurting to breathe? Shaking? Now I get why you wrote in your title "My world is falling apart." But what kind of world do you live in that it would fall apart if your partner wants some space?! Oh, this: I am a loner, have maybe two friends I can count on, no family support system and have made him the focus of my existence (obviously a bad move on my part). I'm truly sorry that you have so little support, and you really need to fix that by developing your existing friendships, finding new friends, learning how to be a more emotionally independent person.
Also: you do not "make" anyone feel or do anything. Each person is responsible for their own feelings and actions. If he is unhappy, he makes his own choices about what to do about those feelings. Based on your post and the chat, I don't think he's made great choices.
Reading your chat, you seem to really like drama. Sure you can call this being emotional, wearing your heart on your sleeves, but what's going on here is a really unhealthy relationship and very dysfunctional communication, that can happen in ANY culture. I'm Chinese, and I see myself in you, definitely. It's taken me a long time to understand how healthy relationships function and what clear communication looks like because I definitely didn't get role models for that from my family.
Yeah, reading your chat, you're being really fucking needy. You need to be loved! Why can't he see that? Why can't he just give you that? If he did everything would be ok! You clearly don't understand what he is trying to say. You keep asking him, "What can I do? I'm sorry for being toxic and intrusive" - and you're thinking that all you have to do is whatever it is that he asks, and then he'll be happy. You keep trying to make things better, but it's making things worse. This is really codependent, nor do you get how toxic and intrusive you are. You have to find ways to make yourself happy that aren't about someone else, or about trying to make someone else happy.
He said, "give it a rest and get a grip." So DO THAT. As in, just stop what you are doing. He says you are toxic, you don't mean to be, saying that is not enough to make you un-toxic, or healthy. You want him to tell you that if you're not making him happy, to tell you without being rude or condescending. Honestly, if he told you what those things were, I don't think you'd be capable of really getting those things. What I don't like about his behaviour is that he talks about how you've infiltrated his workplace; at the same time, he's let that happen. He doesn't have to answer every chat he gets from you. He can turn his phone off (though if that means you'd call him 50 times on his work phone, I understand why he would text back - as a way to placate you).
I'm sorry I'm being so hard on you. I really think you should see a therapist, asap. As for the break: six months, at least, with no guarantee that you'll get back together. In fact, you should assume that you won't get back together and proceed with that. Take this time to really think about how you have relationships and how you communicate, what you want, and what your needs are. And read some books on codependency by Melody Beattie. Get out more, see your friends, make new ones, write in a journal, paint, dance, whatever.
Finally, why do you want this relationship? That's different from asking why you want to be with him. I understand why you want to be with him. But why do you want this relationship of drama and bickering? You've got to do your own part to change that, and it does not mean looking to him for all the answers about what you should do and be.
posted by foxjacket at 2:58 PM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure why and what the emotionally-charged phone conversations were about, but I can understand that all that stress led him to doing poorly on the LSATs.
I have been known to call him fifty times until he picks up so I can have the last word, or to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
Thank GOD you stopped that. I hope you've also stopped trying to have the last word, or to hurt him as much as you feel you've been hurt.
I'm desperate to make things better for us. It hurts to breathe. Writing this, while cathartic, is making me shake. I love how smart he is, his smile, his hands, the look in his eyes when he's proud of me. It kills me that I make him unhappy. I want him to be proud of me,
Just by this alone, I really think you should read How to Break Your Addiction to A Person because it sounds like these are addictive behaviours. Feeling desperate is so unhealthy, and you're having physical reactions to your own desperation - hurting to breathe? Shaking? Now I get why you wrote in your title "My world is falling apart." But what kind of world do you live in that it would fall apart if your partner wants some space?! Oh, this: I am a loner, have maybe two friends I can count on, no family support system and have made him the focus of my existence (obviously a bad move on my part). I'm truly sorry that you have so little support, and you really need to fix that by developing your existing friendships, finding new friends, learning how to be a more emotionally independent person.
Also: you do not "make" anyone feel or do anything. Each person is responsible for their own feelings and actions. If he is unhappy, he makes his own choices about what to do about those feelings. Based on your post and the chat, I don't think he's made great choices.
Reading your chat, you seem to really like drama. Sure you can call this being emotional, wearing your heart on your sleeves, but what's going on here is a really unhealthy relationship and very dysfunctional communication, that can happen in ANY culture. I'm Chinese, and I see myself in you, definitely. It's taken me a long time to understand how healthy relationships function and what clear communication looks like because I definitely didn't get role models for that from my family.
Yeah, reading your chat, you're being really fucking needy. You need to be loved! Why can't he see that? Why can't he just give you that? If he did everything would be ok! You clearly don't understand what he is trying to say. You keep asking him, "What can I do? I'm sorry for being toxic and intrusive" - and you're thinking that all you have to do is whatever it is that he asks, and then he'll be happy. You keep trying to make things better, but it's making things worse. This is really codependent, nor do you get how toxic and intrusive you are. You have to find ways to make yourself happy that aren't about someone else, or about trying to make someone else happy.
He said, "give it a rest and get a grip." So DO THAT. As in, just stop what you are doing. He says you are toxic, you don't mean to be, saying that is not enough to make you un-toxic, or healthy. You want him to tell you that if you're not making him happy, to tell you without being rude or condescending. Honestly, if he told you what those things were, I don't think you'd be capable of really getting those things. What I don't like about his behaviour is that he talks about how you've infiltrated his workplace; at the same time, he's let that happen. He doesn't have to answer every chat he gets from you. He can turn his phone off (though if that means you'd call him 50 times on his work phone, I understand why he would text back - as a way to placate you).
I'm sorry I'm being so hard on you. I really think you should see a therapist, asap. As for the break: six months, at least, with no guarantee that you'll get back together. In fact, you should assume that you won't get back together and proceed with that. Take this time to really think about how you have relationships and how you communicate, what you want, and what your needs are. And read some books on codependency by Melody Beattie. Get out more, see your friends, make new ones, write in a journal, paint, dance, whatever.
Finally, why do you want this relationship? That's different from asking why you want to be with him. I understand why you want to be with him. But why do you want this relationship of drama and bickering? You've got to do your own part to change that, and it does not mean looking to him for all the answers about what you should do and be.
posted by foxjacket at 2:58 PM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: you know, this sounds so, so very much like a relationship I ended five or six years ago. The craziness, the drama, the fights, the clinginess, the desperation, the toxic behaviour, all of it.
And believe you me, this is coming from my friends, not me, that is very, very much not my personality. And I absolutely, completely, utterly loved this guy, and he claimed to be head over heels for me. Despite this, everything we did together was fraught and complex and moody and difficult and the very definition of a rollercoaster. I drove him (a confessed alcoholic) to drink, and he drove me to insanity, insecurity and depression.
Sometimes you have a lot in common with another person, and on the surface that seems great, right? However, on deeper reflection, it turns out that what you have in common with them is that you both tend to amplify all of each other's negative quirks and flaws and personality traits. It's almost like the partnership becomes some kind of, I don't know, addictive dangerous drug or something.
You don't need this. No one needs this. The partner who is right for you will shelter you, and encourage you to grow, and will tend to amplify all your POSITIVE traits, not the negative.
Please, for both your sakes, do the right thing and break up with this guy. And not because he or you are necessarily bad people, but because judging from the tone of this post and the tone of the chat and the various scenarios you've laid out, you are absolutely and utterly wrong for each other.
You will find someone who is absolutely right for you. Maybe not this year, maybe not next. But you absolutely will, and sometime years from now you will look back on all of this and realise you dodged a bullet.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:24 PM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
And believe you me, this is coming from my friends, not me, that is very, very much not my personality. And I absolutely, completely, utterly loved this guy, and he claimed to be head over heels for me. Despite this, everything we did together was fraught and complex and moody and difficult and the very definition of a rollercoaster. I drove him (a confessed alcoholic) to drink, and he drove me to insanity, insecurity and depression.
Sometimes you have a lot in common with another person, and on the surface that seems great, right? However, on deeper reflection, it turns out that what you have in common with them is that you both tend to amplify all of each other's negative quirks and flaws and personality traits. It's almost like the partnership becomes some kind of, I don't know, addictive dangerous drug or something.
You don't need this. No one needs this. The partner who is right for you will shelter you, and encourage you to grow, and will tend to amplify all your POSITIVE traits, not the negative.
Please, for both your sakes, do the right thing and break up with this guy. And not because he or you are necessarily bad people, but because judging from the tone of this post and the tone of the chat and the various scenarios you've laid out, you are absolutely and utterly wrong for each other.
You will find someone who is absolutely right for you. Maybe not this year, maybe not next. But you absolutely will, and sometime years from now you will look back on all of this and realise you dodged a bullet.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:24 PM on May 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Granted, someone who does the things he does -- backhanded compliments, disrespecting your friends -- is going to make you insecure and if you're inclined to do those things, it's going to trigger it. But you also admittedly flip out when he just doesn't meet your expectations, like telling you look nice when you dress up. That makes you sound pretty insecure to me, and while being in a bad relationship can make you freak out over things you might not normally, I'm not sure it's just because of his behavior. It makes me curious to know what issues were present in your last relationship that caused your divorce. I mean this as gently as possible: you're acting in a way that most people would find nutty and unbearable.
posted by Nattie at 12:53 PM on May 6
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I hear you on all you're saying. However, my marriage was a completely different issue - it was an arranged marriage in which I had no say in anything - including when his parents decided to move in with us... in a two-bedroom apartment. It took courage (hence no family, no financial support) to walk out of that one, and I was left with pretty much very little except my education and a best friend - who is now the boyfriend that is the subject of this post. That and a sucky economy in which I could do very little with a doctorate made for some gnarly times and I'm JUST getting my life back on track.
I miss the self-assured, confident person I was, and want to be the girl he fell in love with. It does shame me to see how clingy I've become, but lord knows I want to change that. I can't take offense to anything anyone has said on this thread, because everything makes sense and in some subconscious way, I already knew some of this. Thank you all for your comments.
posted by Everydayville at 4:25 PM on May 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Nattie at 12:53 PM on May 6
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I hear you on all you're saying. However, my marriage was a completely different issue - it was an arranged marriage in which I had no say in anything - including when his parents decided to move in with us... in a two-bedroom apartment. It took courage (hence no family, no financial support) to walk out of that one, and I was left with pretty much very little except my education and a best friend - who is now the boyfriend that is the subject of this post. That and a sucky economy in which I could do very little with a doctorate made for some gnarly times and I'm JUST getting my life back on track.
I miss the self-assured, confident person I was, and want to be the girl he fell in love with. It does shame me to see how clingy I've become, but lord knows I want to change that. I can't take offense to anything anyone has said on this thread, because everything makes sense and in some subconscious way, I already knew some of this. Thank you all for your comments.
posted by Everydayville at 4:25 PM on May 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
Everydayville, this must've been a really difficult thread for you to read -- we've been pretty hard on you at a difficult time in your life. You're handling it with grace and dignity.
I think you're going to be okay. In fact I'm sure of it.
Look at the time ahead as a chance to rediscover yourself. Don't think about wanting to be the girl he fell in love with -- think about being the woman you want to be.
posted by ook at 5:30 PM on May 6, 2010 [12 favorites]
I think you're going to be okay. In fact I'm sure of it.
Look at the time ahead as a chance to rediscover yourself. Don't think about wanting to be the girl he fell in love with -- think about being the woman you want to be.
posted by ook at 5:30 PM on May 6, 2010 [12 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, "breaks" generally are fine when people are taking a few days apart to calm down and re-connect. Some people say "break" when they mean "spend a month getting drunk and fucking other people and maybe I'll call you when I'm feeling particularly ashamed". Everybody needs to be aware of which they're discussing.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:18 AM on May 6, 2010 [4 favorites]