Looks like I'll be eating my hat...
May 5, 2010 9:19 PM   Subscribe

It seems likely that I will be literally made to eat a hat, sometime in the next week. How can I do this in a clever way that is (a) feasible; (b) funny?

Long story short, I wrote a letter to the editor of our school newspaper saying "if X happens, I will buy a hat for the express purpose of eating it." Well, the person in charge of making X happen is now inciting the student body to vote for X, with the added incentive that "if you vote for X, anonymous will eat a hat---read the newspaper." Recently-acquired insider information tells me that the polls are not going in my favor.

Oops! Haha. Now what?

Any clever ideas on how to eat a hat, and thus help me save face? Bonus points if they make me look like a good-spirited guy in front of the rest of the student body, e.g. by making a YouTube video of said eating event. Obviously I don't have to, but I don't want to be super-lame. At the not-quite-as-lame end of the spectrum, I could bake a "hat" out of cake mix or something. Or make a turban out of candy rolls and eat that. Otherwise... I dunno... hat sushi? What've you got for me, AMFites?

Anonymous since I don't want to connect my rather-recognizable situation to my previous questions.
posted by anonymous to Food & Drink (52 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
How about making or purchasing some Hamantashen, which are supposed to look like Haman's three-cornered hat?
posted by cabingirl at 9:22 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Make yourself a Chiquita Banana Lady hat. Then you get to pony up on your bet and also get your daily servings of fruit!
posted by chiababe at 9:24 PM on May 5, 2010 [19 favorites]

If you go out in front of the school with a pair of edible underwear on your head (and then eat it), you're at least cheerfully submitting to public humiliation, which is the real point of the exercise, yes?
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:25 PM on May 5, 2010 [5 favorites]

Its is fairly easy (on the grand scale of hard - easy) to make a hat out of fruit leather.
posted by anastasiav at 9:26 PM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

You said you'd "buy a hat for the express purpose of eating it." You didn't say you'd actually do it, just that you would purchase one for this purpose.

More specifically, you didn't say WHEN you would eat it, or HOW LONG the process would take.

Eat a single thread from the hat every month for the rest of your life.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:28 PM on May 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

Crochet a beanie out of licorice whips.
posted by jamaro at 9:30 PM on May 5, 2010 [8 favorites]

(The nebulawindgirlfriend suggests a hat woven out of bacon. Which would be pretty fucking awesome in a gut-wrenching sort of way. Up to you whether it's worth waiting around for your hair to lose the scent of bacon grease afterwards.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:30 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nacho hat
posted by pompomtom at 9:31 PM on May 5, 2010 [17 favorites]

Wow. I withdraw my support for the bacon hat. The nacho hat is clearly a superior technology.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:32 PM on May 5, 2010 [4 favorites]

Make a pie hat.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:32 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

It would not be hard to shape an empty pie crust into the shape of a hat. You could form it around a bowl. With some creativity you could add a brim and make it look like baseball cap, and with some food coloring make it your school colors.

But to be true to your word, you must buy the hat, so start looking for a custom baker.
posted by Some1 at 9:32 PM on May 5, 2010

Oh, I guess the thing I linked to is supposed to be nachos. I though the salsa was pie filling. But you could follow the photos to do what Some1 describes.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:38 PM on May 5, 2010

How about a cap? ...a mushroom cap.
posted by amtho at 9:40 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Could you origami a hat out of rice paper?
posted by Joh at 9:41 PM on May 5, 2010

Find the biggest hat you can, and then devour the entire thing.

Then, when you're sick and hospitalized for three weeks after major stomach surgery to remove the bolus of undigestable cloth and sequins and buckles there, you can lord it over them for awhile. 'Oh man, that was a really funny idea you guys had, gotta love it. The doctor says I can get my sutures out in a week or so after the inflammation dies down, and then I won't need help shitting anymore. Because I can't shit by myself right now. A nurse I frankly don't like helps me shit every day. But, just the same, that was an awesome idea, goading me into eating an actual hat to prove a point. Priceless.'
posted by Darth Fedor at 9:47 PM on May 5, 2010 [8 favorites]

Thank me later.
posted by zippy at 9:47 PM on May 5, 2010 [5 favorites]

Tiny Hats is now open on Saturdays and Sundays.
posted by ian1977 at 9:48 PM on May 5, 2010

Chocolate hat
posted by 256 at 9:51 PM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Make a hat out of those candy things.

P.S., when you do eat the hat can you PM a mod to update on which one you chose? Pleeease?
posted by biochemist at 9:58 PM on May 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

I feel like it would be cheating to make a hat out of edible materials and then eat it. You must rather buy a hat, and then eat it. I believe, however, that something like the chocolate hat would suffice.

Although perhaps if somebody else you know were to make the edible hat, and then you bought it from them, that would fine.

/back to dark hole.
posted by flavor at 10:03 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Joh: yes! I'll eat my hat. You will need: cling film, kitchen towel, rice paper, food flavouring, food colouring, sweets, iceing.

You'll be happy to know that this is also a Halfbakery item
posted by artlung at 10:09 PM on May 5, 2010

If you want to eat an actual hat, I suggest you watch the short documentary Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe for some tips. Spoiler — Werner Herzog arranged to have his leather shoes was boiled with garlic, herbs, and stock for 5 hours before eating them.
posted by RichardP at 10:11 PM on May 5, 2010 [6 favorites]

If you want to do the truly stupid thing and actually eat a real hat, you may draw some inspiration from Werner Herzog; Les Blank did a short called "Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe" wherein Herzog does, in fact, eat part of his (leather?) shoe, stewed for five hours in garlic, herbs, and soup stock. My impression is that flavor, amount of material to eat (due to hat size and amount that you actually have to eat), and toughness of the material would be the important factors. However, again, this is a stupid thing to do unless you are Herzog and can eat a leather shoe rather than a cheap tennis shoe because he "doesn't like cowards."
posted by ubersturm at 10:13 PM on May 5, 2010

I can't believe that we've gone this long without referencing a porkpie hat.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:13 PM on May 5, 2010

...or you could listen to RichardP who is apparently slightly faster that I am.
posted by ubersturm at 10:14 PM on May 5, 2010

Ask a creative caterer to make you an edible hat.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:21 PM on May 5, 2010

Well Werner Herzog ate his shoe, and he's alive and kicking. I believe his shoe was leather.
posted by grapesaresour at 10:22 PM on May 5, 2010

D'oh. Preview.
posted by grapesaresour at 10:22 PM on May 5, 2010

Well, at least you didn't guarantee that this thing wasn't going to happen and now have to eat crow.

I know it's a stretch, but I've wanted to link to that for a long time.
posted by Some1 at 10:42 PM on May 5, 2010

I actually remember reading in a trivia book years ago about a scientist who had made a similar wager, and lost. He had some natural-fiber hat that he soaked in some vat of enzymes or something, which made it digestible. He then ate his hat in the presence of the man to whom he had lost the wager.
posted by holterbarbour at 11:14 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Buy a pizza, cut from center to edge, overlap edges to shape a cone that fits your head, wear as hat, Photo! eat hat. Photo!
posted by hortense at 11:21 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is a no-brainer: bacon hat.
posted by zardoz at 12:28 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Good Lord.
posted by hat at 12:42 AM on May 6, 2010 [12 favorites]

This is a no-brainer: bacon hat.

That was my thought, too. If you criss-cross a pattern (like lattice on a pie) over an over-turned metal bowl on a cookie sheet, bake it in the oven, you will have a lovely bacon hat.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:05 AM on May 6, 2010

You could make a hat out of nori. In fact, if you can get your hands on a hat mold, you could make a very hattish looking hat by moistening the nori, layering it on like papier machete, and letting it dry. It won't do you any harm, but chewing nori on its own is hard work, so you'd definitely be putting on a good show and appearing to suffer for your convictions.
posted by embrangled at 3:53 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

okay, find some baker who can build a really really big hat out of cake. make a big announcement, have an assembly where everyone can watch you eat your hat. have the giant cake delivered just as the assembly gets together. walk in, say something lie 'jeez, i can't eat that whole thing ... you guys are going to have to help.' you can build a smaller hat on top made out of icing and eat that, too.

con: you're not actually eating a hat

pro: people who will complain won't be able to do so with their mouths full (unless you also provide milk); you get to eat cake.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 4:02 AM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

Lots of great suggestions here, except that you specifically said you will buy a hat, not make one. So you need to find someone to make one of these edible ones for you, then pay them for it.
posted by jbickers at 4:11 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

You could buy some lego hats and eat a bunch of those.
posted by schmichael at 4:27 AM on May 6, 2010

Meat Helmets, obviously.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 6:25 AM on May 6, 2010

Schmichael gives me an idea. What if you had a chocolate sundae with hot fudge, peanuts, and a little lego cowboy hat on top?

posted by General Tonic at 6:32 AM on May 6, 2010

The Etsy Alchemy would be a good place to find somebody to knit or crochet a hat out of something edible. Then you really are "buying a hat with the express purpose of eating it."

I think even a hat shaped cookie would work for what your doing. You never said you were going to wear the hat, only that you would buy it to eat. My vote goes to the hat shaped cake (as long as you have a professional bake and decorate it.) I think a nice Ten Gallon Cowboy hat would make a great cake.
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:34 AM on May 6, 2010

My brother's frat deep-fried a baseball cap and made a guy eat it. I guess it went okay.

But I like the hat-shaped-cake-for-everyone ideas, with a hat-topper that you have to eat yourself. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:59 AM on May 6, 2010

Doing this in a clever way means eating a hat. A real hat. Anyone can get out on a technicality. A nacho hat? Please. That is not clever. What is clever is living up to what you've promised when no-one expects you to. There are novels about this. You'll go down as a legend. You will tell your kids about this. Some people will tell their kids about you. Maybe the easiest way would be to boil a baseball hat for a long time and cut it up into tiny chunks. Or a wool toque, something soft. And take your time. The human body can endure a lot of things in small enough quantities. A la Herzog bring garden shears. Maybe put some maple syrup on top. Just eat a hat. Make sure you have a good audience.

And this will teach you to be careful what you promise people, and to be serious about your promises.
posted by voronoi at 8:14 AM on May 6, 2010 [7 favorites]

Here's another vote for bacon hat. Fill it with salad -- enjoy!

All those people suggesting you eat a real hat are mentally ill. I think people would actually get a real kick out of you creating a very clever edible hat. A cake or pie hat could be shared! People will love it.
posted by amanda at 9:02 AM on May 6, 2010

If you're anywhere around the Southern California area memail me and I'd be happy to make you an edible hat as I am actually a milliner and this would be great fun for me!!!
posted by Sophie1 at 9:03 AM on May 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

It must be a bacon hat.
posted by ReiToei at 9:26 AM on May 6, 2010

Buy a thin undyed leather or straw hat, and marinate it for days (weeks if you have it) in a tasty enzymatic liquid. Pineapple juice and/or papaya juice should work well for this. The enzymes they contain can turn a tough piece of steak into mush, so I think they'd work fairly well on leather. You'd be a legend, and would (probably) live through the experience to enjoy your fame!
posted by tipthepizzaguy at 9:40 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

If nothing else comes to mind, one of those cone-shaped paper "party hats" probably wouldn't kill you. I'd stay away from wool or leather, and definitely no synthetics. But a paper hat? That would work. It wouldn't be as bad-ass as sitting down with fork, knife and Tabasco to eat an old fedora with a side of mashed potatoes, but it would fit the bill. (No pun intended.)
posted by caution live frogs at 9:56 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

The problem with eating a real hat is that you don't know what it was treated with during manufacture, aside from the likelihood that it wasn't mercury, which caused problems for hatmakers back in the day (the Mad Hatter was a caricature), or anything that could be absorbed through the scalp. Make a rice-paper dunce cap and wear it to the public eating, that should make them happy.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:42 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

You could also ask for suggestions from the student body, and have them vetted by a med student or professor. Then you could agree to eat the most authentic hat that the expert says is unlikely to cause you serious intestinal harm.
posted by embrangled at 4:21 PM on May 6, 2010

Charlie Chaplin made boots out of licorice for the scene in The Gold Rush.
posted by brujita at 10:05 PM on May 6, 2010

You could also have someone knit you a small hat, then cut it during the ceremony so it's just tiny pieces of yarn...

I think voronoi's idea is the best though. :P
posted by biochemist at 3:31 AM on May 10, 2010

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