God doesn't punish you for watching American Idol
April 13, 2010 2:16 PM Subscribe
I want him to quit judging me and blaming me for how he feels about his life.
My partner goes through these funks every so often now (he had one in October after landing a dream job that didn't turn out to be perfect and now he's having one after his company is having some financial trouble) where, after being prodded about why he's acting like he is, he'll say that we want different things and don't have any common interests. Technically, this is completely untrue since we've been together for 10 years and we have alot of fun and common interests. Naturally, after we fight, he says he doesn't want me to leave him and that he was being stupid, etc. What gets me is that 90% of time he is kind, loving, caring, and wonderful and I honestly think he's having a great time. But when he says stuff like this, about how we're so different, I don't know if he's been spinning that in his head all the while faking being kind, loving, and caring, or if it's just a reflection of his current down in the dumps mood and he's venting at me.
We live together. I told him I would be there for him financially to the best of my ability if his company goes bankrupt. I listen to him talk about work. I schedule activities and stuff for us to do that aligns with our shared interests and sometimes his interests alone). I know he loves me alot and is very attached to me (which I think might be part of the problem because he's said being attached to me makes him feel like his emotions are caught up in my existing in his life). I work full-time and study for a course I'm taking.
I love him very much, too. I think he's a great person and he's very kind to me mostly and sweet and caring. But he recently broke out the "We don't have anything in common and are on different wavelengths" because I spent the last week studying and relaxing after working at my full-time job since he was at work until 9 pm every night and I have to be at work early in the morning. I thought that was okay, and I don't judge myself for not "making better use of my time." And frankly, I don't want to. I deserve to come home and relax and use my time as I please, especially if he's not home.
However, he often will do something relaxing (watch tv or surf the web) then berate himself in his head for "wasting time" or not "making better use of his time" by learning Russian after work or learning how to play the oboe or whatever. He gets sad and depressed and thinks he's wasting his life when in actuality, for two people that work full-time, we actually make a lot of fun plans and do a lot of different activities. Then he beats himself up mentally, and somehow gets to blaming me for our not going out (though in actuality he is at work late and he somehow "forgets" that he was at work late and that I have to study, and just assumes I was the driving force of us staying in) more than three times a week.
I love him very much (this argument has sort of curdled my warm feelings towards him temporarily), and he did apologize, but I'm annoyed by how, when he's in this funk, he starts judging me and blaming me, creating a totally false narrative, until I point out that it's not my fault that he doesn't have more friends (I encourage him to ask his coworkers to drinks and make friends) and that I'm trying to figure out how I can bring more people into our lives (though he's the type to ignore a wedding invite from his college friend or birthday party invite and then wonder why he doesn't have friends and why no one is inviting him anywhere).
When he was saying the whole "you and I are on different wavelengths and have different interests" thing, I felt like I got a glimpse of the inner monologue going on in his head and I didn't like it because it was totally unconstructive and not at all grounded in what actually happened. He created an entirely fake narrative, then realized that, yes, he had been at work everyday until 9pm. He apologized when he realized that I would leave if he was serious about breaking up (I'm starting to get tired, I think, though I love him a lot, but I get that stuff doesn't work out even in long-term relationships and I'm doing the best that I can to make our lives interesting) and that getting rid of me wasn't going to make him a popular, interesting person who speaks Russian fluently and masters the oboe, but I'm both insulted and confused as to why he thinks I'm the person who is somehow keeping him from living the life he imagines. He can't completely articulate the life he's imagining, but it seems like he's looking for some kind of feeling. I know it's not my fault he's not content. I never ask him to come home at a certain hour, I never overschedule us (at least one or two events/outings a weekend or during a week is what I try for), I'm friendly to all of his coworkers and invite them to hang out with us. I remind him to get in touch with his old friends who moved away. If I'm studying and I suggest that maybe he go do something fun instead of sit and watch me study, he'll make plans to go for a walk or take photographs, but then just sits on the couch and surfs the web, then beats himself up about it and then decides it's all my fault.
I just want him to stop judging me and evaluate the reality of the situation before he decides that he's not living the life he imagines (where I'm sure the phone is ringing off the hook with people making plans and parties and there's a ton of money to go to Bermuda once a month -- I'm kind of wondering if he thinks friendship in real life is like what the cast of 'Friends' shows) and that it's somehow my fault. There's some weird disconnect I totally don't get and it doesn't seem like it's grounded in any reality at all. Yet, whenever he's low, he goes right back to it: He's feeling bad about his life and life would be better if I wasn't there, and I'm not on the same wavelength because I'm not sad and depressed about my life or the way I spend my time the way he is about his.
What do I do? How do I get him to stay in touch with the reality of what's going on and stop deciding that I'm the villain? I don't even get why I'm the villain and I don't get how he thinks that he's going to make friends and keep friends and do things without doing the legwork necessary to keep friendships going (as though somehow I've stuffed all his friends in a closet and won't give him the key or I'm keeping all these people who are trying to get to him away from him).
Also, I'm not sure, but could it be that he doesn't like me deep down and will never like me, even though he loves me and is attached to me? Will I forever be the one he will associate the blame to? Is this just a way of saying, I don't want you anymore, or is he just taking his crap out on the person closest to him (me, of course)?
And is this even normal?
My partner goes through these funks every so often now (he had one in October after landing a dream job that didn't turn out to be perfect and now he's having one after his company is having some financial trouble) where, after being prodded about why he's acting like he is, he'll say that we want different things and don't have any common interests. Technically, this is completely untrue since we've been together for 10 years and we have alot of fun and common interests. Naturally, after we fight, he says he doesn't want me to leave him and that he was being stupid, etc. What gets me is that 90% of time he is kind, loving, caring, and wonderful and I honestly think he's having a great time. But when he says stuff like this, about how we're so different, I don't know if he's been spinning that in his head all the while faking being kind, loving, and caring, or if it's just a reflection of his current down in the dumps mood and he's venting at me.
We live together. I told him I would be there for him financially to the best of my ability if his company goes bankrupt. I listen to him talk about work. I schedule activities and stuff for us to do that aligns with our shared interests and sometimes his interests alone). I know he loves me alot and is very attached to me (which I think might be part of the problem because he's said being attached to me makes him feel like his emotions are caught up in my existing in his life). I work full-time and study for a course I'm taking.
I love him very much, too. I think he's a great person and he's very kind to me mostly and sweet and caring. But he recently broke out the "We don't have anything in common and are on different wavelengths" because I spent the last week studying and relaxing after working at my full-time job since he was at work until 9 pm every night and I have to be at work early in the morning. I thought that was okay, and I don't judge myself for not "making better use of my time." And frankly, I don't want to. I deserve to come home and relax and use my time as I please, especially if he's not home.
However, he often will do something relaxing (watch tv or surf the web) then berate himself in his head for "wasting time" or not "making better use of his time" by learning Russian after work or learning how to play the oboe or whatever. He gets sad and depressed and thinks he's wasting his life when in actuality, for two people that work full-time, we actually make a lot of fun plans and do a lot of different activities. Then he beats himself up mentally, and somehow gets to blaming me for our not going out (though in actuality he is at work late and he somehow "forgets" that he was at work late and that I have to study, and just assumes I was the driving force of us staying in) more than three times a week.
I love him very much (this argument has sort of curdled my warm feelings towards him temporarily), and he did apologize, but I'm annoyed by how, when he's in this funk, he starts judging me and blaming me, creating a totally false narrative, until I point out that it's not my fault that he doesn't have more friends (I encourage him to ask his coworkers to drinks and make friends) and that I'm trying to figure out how I can bring more people into our lives (though he's the type to ignore a wedding invite from his college friend or birthday party invite and then wonder why he doesn't have friends and why no one is inviting him anywhere).
When he was saying the whole "you and I are on different wavelengths and have different interests" thing, I felt like I got a glimpse of the inner monologue going on in his head and I didn't like it because it was totally unconstructive and not at all grounded in what actually happened. He created an entirely fake narrative, then realized that, yes, he had been at work everyday until 9pm. He apologized when he realized that I would leave if he was serious about breaking up (I'm starting to get tired, I think, though I love him a lot, but I get that stuff doesn't work out even in long-term relationships and I'm doing the best that I can to make our lives interesting) and that getting rid of me wasn't going to make him a popular, interesting person who speaks Russian fluently and masters the oboe, but I'm both insulted and confused as to why he thinks I'm the person who is somehow keeping him from living the life he imagines. He can't completely articulate the life he's imagining, but it seems like he's looking for some kind of feeling. I know it's not my fault he's not content. I never ask him to come home at a certain hour, I never overschedule us (at least one or two events/outings a weekend or during a week is what I try for), I'm friendly to all of his coworkers and invite them to hang out with us. I remind him to get in touch with his old friends who moved away. If I'm studying and I suggest that maybe he go do something fun instead of sit and watch me study, he'll make plans to go for a walk or take photographs, but then just sits on the couch and surfs the web, then beats himself up about it and then decides it's all my fault.
I just want him to stop judging me and evaluate the reality of the situation before he decides that he's not living the life he imagines (where I'm sure the phone is ringing off the hook with people making plans and parties and there's a ton of money to go to Bermuda once a month -- I'm kind of wondering if he thinks friendship in real life is like what the cast of 'Friends' shows) and that it's somehow my fault. There's some weird disconnect I totally don't get and it doesn't seem like it's grounded in any reality at all. Yet, whenever he's low, he goes right back to it: He's feeling bad about his life and life would be better if I wasn't there, and I'm not on the same wavelength because I'm not sad and depressed about my life or the way I spend my time the way he is about his.
What do I do? How do I get him to stay in touch with the reality of what's going on and stop deciding that I'm the villain? I don't even get why I'm the villain and I don't get how he thinks that he's going to make friends and keep friends and do things without doing the legwork necessary to keep friendships going (as though somehow I've stuffed all his friends in a closet and won't give him the key or I'm keeping all these people who are trying to get to him away from him).
Also, I'm not sure, but could it be that he doesn't like me deep down and will never like me, even though he loves me and is attached to me? Will I forever be the one he will associate the blame to? Is this just a way of saying, I don't want you anymore, or is he just taking his crap out on the person closest to him (me, of course)?
And is this even normal?
Seems like you're projecting your feelings --
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:28 PM on April 13, 2010
I love him very much (this argument has sort of curdled my warm feelings towards him temporarily), ...-- onto him:
... (I'm starting to get tired, I think, though I love him a lot, but I get that stuff doesn't work out even in long-term relationships and I'm doing the best that I can to make our lives interesting) ...
could it be that he doesn't like me deep down and will never like me, even though he loves me and is attached to me?I know therapy is always recommended in human relations threads, but therapy seems more likely to be useful than an anonymous question where you've phrased everything you do and say to sound totally reasonable, and described everything he does and says to sound totally irrational. I have a hunch that his side would sound a little more reasonable if we were able to hear it from him, but I can't know that. People's descriptions of their relationship conflicts can be very skewed and incomplete, but we're only hearing your perspective. That said, if you feel after 10 years like he's this unreasonable, I doubt there's some trick we can tell you that will allow you to transform him into a reasonable person.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:28 PM on April 13, 2010
No, it's not normal. Common, certainly, but not normal
Everyone has problems. Absolutely every single person on the planet. Some people handle them better than others. It would seem that your boyfriend is one of the group that don't. How he handles that is up to him, though I'd suggest some kind of therapy for him. It sounds like CBT would be helpful, but I'm no expert. However, it's his responsibility to sort that out for himself.
The reason he's blaming you is because you're managing his life. You're behaving like his PA, not his partner. You do all of the arranging and cajoling and supporting, so it's natural that he turns to you for someone to blame. If you want that to stop, give him a short sharp shock. Quit running his life for him and let him do it himself. It's his job, not yours.
I'd have a conversation with him, and say that if he really thought that life with me was so terrible and would be so much better if I wasn't a part of it, then he knew where the door was, and that if he didn't buck his ideas up and quit blaming me for his problems, then I'd be pushing him through that door. Since you've been together for 10 years, I'm going to assume late twenties as an age range. That really is time enough for him to pull himself together. His behaviour is childish. Most of us grow out of the "you made me do it!" phase at around age 5.
Sometimes people need a hand getting their life on track, and that's what therapy is for. Pointing that out to him will be a Good Thing for you to do, but it's not essential (to his life, though for your relationship I'm guessing it is) and it's certainly not your job to step him through it.
posted by Solomon at 2:30 PM on April 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Everyone has problems. Absolutely every single person on the planet. Some people handle them better than others. It would seem that your boyfriend is one of the group that don't. How he handles that is up to him, though I'd suggest some kind of therapy for him. It sounds like CBT would be helpful, but I'm no expert. However, it's his responsibility to sort that out for himself.
The reason he's blaming you is because you're managing his life. You're behaving like his PA, not his partner. You do all of the arranging and cajoling and supporting, so it's natural that he turns to you for someone to blame. If you want that to stop, give him a short sharp shock. Quit running his life for him and let him do it himself. It's his job, not yours.
I'd have a conversation with him, and say that if he really thought that life with me was so terrible and would be so much better if I wasn't a part of it, then he knew where the door was, and that if he didn't buck his ideas up and quit blaming me for his problems, then I'd be pushing him through that door. Since you've been together for 10 years, I'm going to assume late twenties as an age range. That really is time enough for him to pull himself together. His behaviour is childish. Most of us grow out of the "you made me do it!" phase at around age 5.
Sometimes people need a hand getting their life on track, and that's what therapy is for. Pointing that out to him will be a Good Thing for you to do, but it's not essential (to his life, though for your relationship I'm guessing it is) and it's certainly not your job to step him through it.
posted by Solomon at 2:30 PM on April 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Well, I'm hearing a fair amount of criticism of him in your write up, so it sounds as though there is some mutual blaming going on, and also as though your communication isn't operating at optimum level. In addition, you clearly would like some reassurance about his feeling for you. I'd suggest couples counseling with someone reputable, both to deal with your current concerns and to address your communication styles. It may be that your partner needs some individual counseling for depression, but a good couples counselor would be a better person to make that assessment and referral effectively than you, I'd think.
posted by bearwife at 2:36 PM on April 13, 2010
posted by bearwife at 2:36 PM on April 13, 2010
Blaming other people for your own problems is immaturity and laziness. It's also typical alcoholic behavior, i.e., "I drink because you drive me crazy!" (Not saying he is an alcoholic - I just thought maybe framing it that way would make it easier for you to step back and take an objective view of what he's doing.)
As long as he can blame you for his problems, he doesn't have to make any effort to change. After all, how can he be expected to fix it, when you're the one that's causing the problem?
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:31 PM on April 13, 2010
As long as he can blame you for his problems, he doesn't have to make any effort to change. After all, how can he be expected to fix it, when you're the one that's causing the problem?
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:31 PM on April 13, 2010
Couples counseling will be good for both of you; it will provide a safe environment for you to be honest with each other in a constructive way, it will give you a set of rules and a referee for your discussions, and ultimately it will help both of you figure out how you really feel, how you want to feel, and how to get from one place to the other (if you can.)
My partner goes through these funks every so often now (he had one in October after landing a dream job that didn't turn out to be perfect and now he's having one after his company is having some financial trouble) where, after being prodded about why he's acting like he is, he'll say that we want different things and don't have any common interests. Technically, this is completely untrue since we've been together for 10 years and we have alot of fun and common interests. Naturally, after we fight, he says he doesn't want me to leave him and that he was being stupid, etc. What gets me is that 90% of time he is kind, loving, caring, and wonderful and I honestly think he's having a great time. But when he says stuff like this, about how we're so different, I don't know if he's been spinning that in his head all the while faking being kind, loving, and caring, or if it's just a reflection of his current down in the dumps mood and he's venting at me.
At the extremes, he might be that he's depressed and so occasionally prone to seeing problems that aren't really there 10% of the time -- or he might be unhappy in the relationship but able to cope with it 90% of the time. Those are so far apart in cause, despite the similar effect, that you'll go mad trying to figure it out yourself. This is just the kind of thing couples therapy can help.
posted by davejay at 3:36 PM on April 13, 2010
My partner goes through these funks every so often now (he had one in October after landing a dream job that didn't turn out to be perfect and now he's having one after his company is having some financial trouble) where, after being prodded about why he's acting like he is, he'll say that we want different things and don't have any common interests. Technically, this is completely untrue since we've been together for 10 years and we have alot of fun and common interests. Naturally, after we fight, he says he doesn't want me to leave him and that he was being stupid, etc. What gets me is that 90% of time he is kind, loving, caring, and wonderful and I honestly think he's having a great time. But when he says stuff like this, about how we're so different, I don't know if he's been spinning that in his head all the while faking being kind, loving, and caring, or if it's just a reflection of his current down in the dumps mood and he's venting at me.
At the extremes, he might be that he's depressed and so occasionally prone to seeing problems that aren't really there 10% of the time -- or he might be unhappy in the relationship but able to cope with it 90% of the time. Those are so far apart in cause, despite the similar effect, that you'll go mad trying to figure it out yourself. This is just the kind of thing couples therapy can help.
posted by davejay at 3:36 PM on April 13, 2010
Oh, and don't be hung up on what's "technically" true -- right now, how he and you both feel is a lot more important.
posted by davejay at 3:37 PM on April 13, 2010
posted by davejay at 3:37 PM on April 13, 2010
One more finally: you keep saying he's got a fake narrative going on in his head. Consider for a moment that it might not be fake -- that, for instance, he might have been at work every day until 9pm because he's not happy being at home with you. The longer a relationship goes on, the easier it is to believe (truly or not) that you have certain responsibilities to the relationship that prevent you from living your life as you want. Fulfilling the responsibilities you have while living your life as you want is difficult for some people, and often can't happen without a loving, supportive partner with similar interests, whose goals in life (short and long term) align with yours.
Is that what's going on here? Maybe, maybe not. It is certainly as plausible an option as the scenario that you describe, where he's lashing out and judging you and creating false narratives that have no grounding in reality.
posted by davejay at 3:42 PM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is that what's going on here? Maybe, maybe not. It is certainly as plausible an option as the scenario that you describe, where he's lashing out and judging you and creating false narratives that have no grounding in reality.
posted by davejay at 3:42 PM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it really comes down to this: his happiness is his responsibility. There's no way it can be "all your fault," and if he truly is blaming you for his unhappiness, then that's patently impossible and a cop-out (or pure manipulation).
But, all I see in your post that he actually said was "you and I are on different wavelengths and have different interests." You imagined the inner dialogue that you thought he might be having and you are working off of that.
How do I get him to stay in touch with the reality of what's going on and stop deciding that I'm the villain? I don't even get why I'm the villain and I don't get how he thinks that he's going to make friends and keep friends and do things without doing the legwork necessary to keep friendships going
You can't. You seem to be taking far too much responsibility for his feelings and friendships and spend far too much time trying to interpret what he's thinking. A lot of your unhappiness is stemming from something you've imagined him thinking - you need to talk to him and stop having imaginary conversations with him in your head. Let him decide how to deal (or not) with his friends. Let him be upset with himself for not learning Russian. It's his life, not yours - even if you share it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:58 PM on April 13, 2010
But, all I see in your post that he actually said was "you and I are on different wavelengths and have different interests." You imagined the inner dialogue that you thought he might be having and you are working off of that.
How do I get him to stay in touch with the reality of what's going on and stop deciding that I'm the villain? I don't even get why I'm the villain and I don't get how he thinks that he's going to make friends and keep friends and do things without doing the legwork necessary to keep friendships going
You can't. You seem to be taking far too much responsibility for his feelings and friendships and spend far too much time trying to interpret what he's thinking. A lot of your unhappiness is stemming from something you've imagined him thinking - you need to talk to him and stop having imaginary conversations with him in your head. Let him decide how to deal (or not) with his friends. Let him be upset with himself for not learning Russian. It's his life, not yours - even if you share it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:58 PM on April 13, 2010
Just a data point on the possibility of him faking his feelings for you:
I am a kind, loving, caring partner. I am also incredibly emotionally reactive, and while I am still searching for ways to ameliorate and reduce this, I sometimes still get to the point where I am so frustrated with both my and my partner's inability to be effective during an upset situation (argument, misunderstanding, whathaveyou) that I lash out with criticisms and statements doubting the future of our relationship.
At those moments, I do have doubts about our potential longevity, but they are 10% founded and 90% conflation. Mostly, I am frustrated. Mostly, I am tired and scared. Mostly, the person I love most is somehow separate from me, and that is upsetting, and nothing I'm trying is helping that situation, and that is because we are fundamentally different people.
You are fundamentally different people. It's been working for 10 years. He is most likely just being reactive. Why don't you ask him?
posted by opossumnus at 4:06 PM on April 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
I am a kind, loving, caring partner. I am also incredibly emotionally reactive, and while I am still searching for ways to ameliorate and reduce this, I sometimes still get to the point where I am so frustrated with both my and my partner's inability to be effective during an upset situation (argument, misunderstanding, whathaveyou) that I lash out with criticisms and statements doubting the future of our relationship.
At those moments, I do have doubts about our potential longevity, but they are 10% founded and 90% conflation. Mostly, I am frustrated. Mostly, I am tired and scared. Mostly, the person I love most is somehow separate from me, and that is upsetting, and nothing I'm trying is helping that situation, and that is because we are fundamentally different people.
You are fundamentally different people. It's been working for 10 years. He is most likely just being reactive. Why don't you ask him?
posted by opossumnus at 4:06 PM on April 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
he kind of reminds me of me. he might be slightly depressed, but I think it's more likely that he's legitimately unsatisfied with his life. either
1. it has nothing to do with you, which makes him an asshole for blaming you
2. it has something to do with you and he hasn't articulated this to you yet
he might want a partner who can move him closer towards the life that he wants for himself, and his lashing out at you is a sort of cry for help. in which case he does indeed like you, and even looks up to you as someone who can help.
in the end, as the light fantastic said above, and as you already seem to know, he has to be responsible for his own happiness - he just doesn't seem to have taken complete ownership of this yet.
[sorry i'm kind of rambly and short on time but those are my thoughts]
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 5:11 PM on April 13, 2010
1. it has nothing to do with you, which makes him an asshole for blaming you
2. it has something to do with you and he hasn't articulated this to you yet
he might want a partner who can move him closer towards the life that he wants for himself, and his lashing out at you is a sort of cry for help. in which case he does indeed like you, and even looks up to you as someone who can help.
in the end, as the light fantastic said above, and as you already seem to know, he has to be responsible for his own happiness - he just doesn't seem to have taken complete ownership of this yet.
[sorry i'm kind of rambly and short on time but those are my thoughts]
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 5:11 PM on April 13, 2010
In the past, I was the guy you describe. And I'd get down every now and then, and would totally blame it on her, and how she wasn't trying hard enough to make me happy, and all of that crap. (I have no idea why that wonderful lady has stayed with me for so long, but god am I grateful that she has!)
It took therapy for me to see it - to see that my happiness depends on me, that I need to quit turning my romantic partner into my mother and projecting all of my mommy issues on her, that I need to have a firm grasp on who I am and what I expect from myself. It didn't take much therapy, but it definitely took sitting down with an impartial stranger and hearing the things that, on a deep level, I knew but wasn't willing to admit.
I love her more than ever, and now I have some internal tools that I can turn to when I have a dark day and think about whipping out the guilt bullshit. But therapy, I believe, only works when the person getting it is the one seeking it out, so you can't "make him" do it. But it's worth suggesting, and if you'd like, you can me-mail me and I'm happy to talk with him (or you) about the process and any other gory details that might help.
Ten years is a long time, this is worth fighting for.
posted by jbickers at 5:18 PM on April 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
It took therapy for me to see it - to see that my happiness depends on me, that I need to quit turning my romantic partner into my mother and projecting all of my mommy issues on her, that I need to have a firm grasp on who I am and what I expect from myself. It didn't take much therapy, but it definitely took sitting down with an impartial stranger and hearing the things that, on a deep level, I knew but wasn't willing to admit.
I love her more than ever, and now I have some internal tools that I can turn to when I have a dark day and think about whipping out the guilt bullshit. But therapy, I believe, only works when the person getting it is the one seeking it out, so you can't "make him" do it. But it's worth suggesting, and if you'd like, you can me-mail me and I'm happy to talk with him (or you) about the process and any other gory details that might help.
Ten years is a long time, this is worth fighting for.
posted by jbickers at 5:18 PM on April 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
He's dis-satisfied with his life. There's something he wants, or something he expected, that isn't there and that he needs to deal with. Just identifying what that thing is, is a huge step, because then he can either explain why it isn't happening or figure out how to make it happen. And if there's something specific he wants you to help him with, then you can. I'd guess it's dissatisfaction with his career success from what you're saying. Your relationship may just be the most obviously "emotional" thing to him, maybe he's not conscious of his work hours or hobby time or exercise as being something that affects his quality of life. So when something's not right with his emotions, he looks to the things filed under "emotional" - friends, relationships, etc. Or he's picked up our cultural conceit that getting into the right relationship Makes Everything Better, so something being wrong must mean he's not in the right relationship...
If he's a thoughtful type then just a request for detail can prod him to realize that he's being irrational. I use lists to save these insights from one episode to the next - a mental list of various things that can be depressing me, and another list of the good things about my partner and our relationship that I can use to help me cross off "relationship problems" from the first list... if mental lists don't stick around well enough or if he can't pull them up in the heat of the moment, a physical list might help. If you think it'll take a therapist's authority to motivate him to think about the issue and about the root causes, then therapy is a good way to go (as jbickers mentions).
posted by Lady Li at 5:42 PM on April 13, 2010
If he's a thoughtful type then just a request for detail can prod him to realize that he's being irrational. I use lists to save these insights from one episode to the next - a mental list of various things that can be depressing me, and another list of the good things about my partner and our relationship that I can use to help me cross off "relationship problems" from the first list... if mental lists don't stick around well enough or if he can't pull them up in the heat of the moment, a physical list might help. If you think it'll take a therapist's authority to motivate him to think about the issue and about the root causes, then therapy is a good way to go (as jbickers mentions).
posted by Lady Li at 5:42 PM on April 13, 2010
I just thought I'd chime in here with another vote that he needs to assess his own well-being. Obviously, you're adults. It's entirely true that he's responsible for his own happiness. That said, a lot of what you describe here sounds like some of the things that I do or think when I'm in a depressive episode. And it certainly sounds like how I interacted with my partner before I was effectively diagnosed and treated.
IANAD, I'm not trying to diagnose anyone, and depression (if it is a factor) is surely not the only factor. But it's something to think about, and it wouldn't hurt to add that possibility to the things he needs to have a serious self-assessment about.
posted by dryad at 6:29 PM on April 13, 2010
IANAD, I'm not trying to diagnose anyone, and depression (if it is a factor) is surely not the only factor. But it's something to think about, and it wouldn't hurt to add that possibility to the things he needs to have a serious self-assessment about.
posted by dryad at 6:29 PM on April 13, 2010
My husband, besides being a fantastic partner, has this terrible habit of blaming everything on me when he's frustrated. Like, if he forgets something it's because I distracted him. It used to stress me out and tick me off. Then I realized how very ridiculous he could get, so I just stopped taking him seriously when he gets in those moods. I'm not antagonistic, but I call his bullshit and keep a sense of humor. Now it's just a running joke between us that if it's raining, I probably caused it somehow.
Just because your partner loses touch with reality on occasion doesn't mean it has to affect you. Just be cool and remind them of the ten years you've had, and how this happens regularly and it never sticks.
posted by shopefowler at 8:33 PM on April 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just because your partner loses touch with reality on occasion doesn't mean it has to affect you. Just be cool and remind them of the ten years you've had, and how this happens regularly and it never sticks.
posted by shopefowler at 8:33 PM on April 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm going to throw a more controversial view out there.
I was your boyfriend last year. And watching my partner suffer as a result of my dark moods and frustrations was heartbreaking. I could sense that she was sacrificing her dreams at the expense of waiting for me to catch up and get on the same page as her. And nothing makes me feel worse than knowing deep in my unconscious that the moment was probably not going to arrive, nor coincide - we were fundamentally different people.
We reached a crossroads this year we were both forced to address the painful truth: we were living separate lives, with a different long-term outlook.
We parted this year. It is horribly sad. But when I look back to the fantastic seven years that we grew together, and knowing that she is now free to chase her dreams without me holding her back, and I can continue on my slower-burning path towards my own destiny, it does, strangely, seem like the right decision to have made.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 3:08 AM on April 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
I was your boyfriend last year. And watching my partner suffer as a result of my dark moods and frustrations was heartbreaking. I could sense that she was sacrificing her dreams at the expense of waiting for me to catch up and get on the same page as her. And nothing makes me feel worse than knowing deep in my unconscious that the moment was probably not going to arrive, nor coincide - we were fundamentally different people.
We reached a crossroads this year we were both forced to address the painful truth: we were living separate lives, with a different long-term outlook.
We parted this year. It is horribly sad. But when I look back to the fantastic seven years that we grew together, and knowing that she is now free to chase her dreams without me holding her back, and I can continue on my slower-burning path towards my own destiny, it does, strangely, seem like the right decision to have made.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 3:08 AM on April 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
He needs therapy.
posted by dfriedman at 2:23 PM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]