How do you forgive yourself?
April 12, 2010 6:51 PM Subscribe
How do you forgive yourself after a relationship ends?
I recently ended a seven year relationship. Why? Too many doubts and unable to see a clear future for us.
Whichever way I cut the cookie, I feel that the breakdown of the relationship was ENTIRELY my fault. I couldn't be the person she wanted me to, I couldn't reciprocate her love, I didn't recognise the fact that it was important to consider marriage right from the start and I simply struggled to commit to the relationship in the way that she would have wanted.
I'm going insane. Hurting and blaming myself for it. It's not that I particularly want it back, but I feel guilty having taken seven years from her life.
But I don't know how I could have changed who I was.
It being my first LTR, can someone advise me on this? How do you forgive yourself for your mistakes? How much responsibility should you take on for the breakdown? Should I write and apologise to her family who I have let down?
I recently ended a seven year relationship. Why? Too many doubts and unable to see a clear future for us.
Whichever way I cut the cookie, I feel that the breakdown of the relationship was ENTIRELY my fault. I couldn't be the person she wanted me to, I couldn't reciprocate her love, I didn't recognise the fact that it was important to consider marriage right from the start and I simply struggled to commit to the relationship in the way that she would have wanted.
I'm going insane. Hurting and blaming myself for it. It's not that I particularly want it back, but I feel guilty having taken seven years from her life.
But I don't know how I could have changed who I was.
It being my first LTR, can someone advise me on this? How do you forgive yourself for your mistakes? How much responsibility should you take on for the breakdown? Should I write and apologise to her family who I have let down?
"Should I write and apologise to her family who I have let down?"
No. You can write a million letters if you want, but don't send them.
"I feel guilty having taken seven years from her life."
Oh gosh, I forgot what it was like to be that young and think such thoughts. It's a relationship, she chose to be in it too, you don't have anything to be guilty for.
The only thing that you need to do is to take the lessons learned in this relationship, both good and bad, and use them for the benefit of your next one.
"breakdown of the relationship was ENTIRELY my fault"
This is very unlikely.
posted by HopperFan at 6:59 PM on April 12, 2010 [6 favorites]
No. You can write a million letters if you want, but don't send them.
"I feel guilty having taken seven years from her life."
Oh gosh, I forgot what it was like to be that young and think such thoughts. It's a relationship, she chose to be in it too, you don't have anything to be guilty for.
The only thing that you need to do is to take the lessons learned in this relationship, both good and bad, and use them for the benefit of your next one.
"breakdown of the relationship was ENTIRELY my fault"
This is very unlikely.
posted by HopperFan at 6:59 PM on April 12, 2010 [6 favorites]
Other events and people led to you being the person you are, knowing what you know and not knowing what you don't know. I'm not proud of how I handled a few relationships, and I don't dismiss my own responsibility, but there were a lot of things I just didn't understand because of the environment I grew up in and the people who raised me. They weren't evil, but they only knew so much and could only trust (and let me trust) so much due to the way they themselves were raised.
This is probably a big part of the reason some parents are protective of their children in a way that looks like keeping them away from "the wrong sort of person". A mistrustful, emotionally naive, differently-socialized boyfriend or girlfriend is a real risk. I'm sad to think I might have been that kind of person, but at least in recognizing these factors I can do better in the future.
Other people do a lot worse. Other people do better. We're all just stumbling around the best we can. Someone who might have been better boyfriend or husband material than you might well have damaged the world in other, less-obvious ways, or not. This is where a religious person might say "everything happens for a reason." Whether it happens for a reason or not, you're not uniquely evil or bad, you're just a person doing the best he can and occasionally messing up. Try to do better next time, and if you have kids, teach them better than your parents taught you.
posted by amtho at 7:00 PM on April 12, 2010 [10 favorites]
This is probably a big part of the reason some parents are protective of their children in a way that looks like keeping them away from "the wrong sort of person". A mistrustful, emotionally naive, differently-socialized boyfriend or girlfriend is a real risk. I'm sad to think I might have been that kind of person, but at least in recognizing these factors I can do better in the future.
Other people do a lot worse. Other people do better. We're all just stumbling around the best we can. Someone who might have been better boyfriend or husband material than you might well have damaged the world in other, less-obvious ways, or not. This is where a religious person might say "everything happens for a reason." Whether it happens for a reason or not, you're not uniquely evil or bad, you're just a person doing the best he can and occasionally messing up. Try to do better next time, and if you have kids, teach them better than your parents taught you.
posted by amtho at 7:00 PM on April 12, 2010 [10 favorites]
Woah. You could be me, like, really recently. All I can say are a few things:
1) Would you rather have done this in ten or twenty or whatever years, after getting married and having kids and buying a house? No.
2) Is it really so bad that you now, finally, set someone free to do the thing they want to do, and acknowledged that you actually don't feel the right way in general or about them or whatever to get married? Is it really so bad you finally had the guts to to move on and live your life rather than wasting your time and another's in a situation that would make two people miserable? No.
3) This is trite and tiresome and everyone will tell you this but it is true: it will take time. Be patient with yourself and distract yourself with healthy activities, as much as you can, when you need to.
4) What about you and what you want to do with your life? It's okay...no, excuse me: absolutely imperative to do what you need to do for yourself if you want to be happy (and avoid making other people unhappy).
That list had a bunch of overlapping items I guess but, point is, you've done the right thing now. One year, three years, seven years, ten years, fifteen years...you could feel guilty about fucking up for any duration of time really. But in fact, you did something very challenging. Don't beat yourself up about it, if only because it won't really help anything (and that's not the only reason you shouldn't beat yourself up).
Don't contact the family. Get some therapy too, it's helped me a lot.
Best wishes. Feel free to me-mail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by dubitable at 7:08 PM on April 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
1) Would you rather have done this in ten or twenty or whatever years, after getting married and having kids and buying a house? No.
2) Is it really so bad that you now, finally, set someone free to do the thing they want to do, and acknowledged that you actually don't feel the right way in general or about them or whatever to get married? Is it really so bad you finally had the guts to to move on and live your life rather than wasting your time and another's in a situation that would make two people miserable? No.
3) This is trite and tiresome and everyone will tell you this but it is true: it will take time. Be patient with yourself and distract yourself with healthy activities, as much as you can, when you need to.
4) What about you and what you want to do with your life? It's okay...no, excuse me: absolutely imperative to do what you need to do for yourself if you want to be happy (and avoid making other people unhappy).
That list had a bunch of overlapping items I guess but, point is, you've done the right thing now. One year, three years, seven years, ten years, fifteen years...you could feel guilty about fucking up for any duration of time really. But in fact, you did something very challenging. Don't beat yourself up about it, if only because it won't really help anything (and that's not the only reason you shouldn't beat yourself up).
Don't contact the family. Get some therapy too, it's helped me a lot.
Best wishes. Feel free to me-mail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by dubitable at 7:08 PM on April 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
Give yourself time to forgive yourself. It won't happen overnight. You know you did the right thing, but I know that's cold comfort when you've hurt someone you really care about. You would have a hard time forgiving anyone else for hurting her, so why would it be different when the person who hurt her was you? So don't push yourself to feel better immediately. Just keep in mind that you did the right thing, for both of you. She will get over it. She will, in all likelihood, still have a good life in spite of your breakup.
It is extremely unlikely that it was all your fault. It sounds like neither of you were quite right for each other--that's not something you could control, therefore, not your fault. It is also extremely unlikely that her entire time with you was a waste of her time. I tend to think that relationships are more about the journey than they are about the destination. You both probably had good times and learned a lot from being together, so it wasn't a waste. Don't assume that it was pointless just because you didn't get married.
Even though you did the breaking-up, it's still going to be painful learning how to live outside of the unit the two of you formed. Let yourself grieve the end of the relationship, even if you blame yourself for its end. And--since you sound so guilt-ridden--don't let other people punish you for ending the relationship. It will make it harder for you to forgive yourself if you listen to them.
posted by millions of peaches at 7:49 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is extremely unlikely that it was all your fault. It sounds like neither of you were quite right for each other--that's not something you could control, therefore, not your fault. It is also extremely unlikely that her entire time with you was a waste of her time. I tend to think that relationships are more about the journey than they are about the destination. You both probably had good times and learned a lot from being together, so it wasn't a waste. Don't assume that it was pointless just because you didn't get married.
Even though you did the breaking-up, it's still going to be painful learning how to live outside of the unit the two of you formed. Let yourself grieve the end of the relationship, even if you blame yourself for its end. And--since you sound so guilt-ridden--don't let other people punish you for ending the relationship. It will make it harder for you to forgive yourself if you listen to them.
posted by millions of peaches at 7:49 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't ever have to own somebody else's choices. This guilt, for whatever reason you have it, is entirely misplaced.
Maybe you feel like you let yourself down (you didn't) for not being able to be what she wanted? Maybe that was a moving target? Maybe you did the best you could do? Or you feel bad because you didn't? Regardless of whether the answers to these questions are yes or no, she made the choice to stick with it too. Trust me, you didn't have that much control. Focus on trying to stay with your feelings and not straying away from them into territory that is less plausible, but more emotionally comfortable. It's the only way through. (but take breaks too...there's only so much sustained emotional intensity any human can endure, good or bad.)
posted by iamkimiam at 7:50 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe you feel like you let yourself down (you didn't) for not being able to be what she wanted? Maybe that was a moving target? Maybe you did the best you could do? Or you feel bad because you didn't? Regardless of whether the answers to these questions are yes or no, she made the choice to stick with it too. Trust me, you didn't have that much control. Focus on trying to stay with your feelings and not straying away from them into territory that is less plausible, but more emotionally comfortable. It's the only way through. (but take breaks too...there's only so much sustained emotional intensity any human can endure, good or bad.)
posted by iamkimiam at 7:50 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nearly 4 years ago I was in virtually exactly the same situation. I left my wife who I had been with for 8 years. I left because I realised she wasn't right for me, and I'd beaten myself up for a long time whilst with her, trying to make myself "better" but I couldn't, and one day something snapped and I left.
The guilt was horrible. I did not apologise to the family and don't think you should. As little contact with the ex as possible is best, at least it was for me. Of course you're going to feel like it's your fault and in a very simplistic way it is. As in, you ended it. So, accept that. Her friends will not have a very high opinion of you, but yours will support you. They understand you see. You had no choice, you're not a bad person, but this time it didn't work out. Better now than 10 years, marriage and kids later.
As dubitable says, it's trite, but time does make things better. Good luck.
posted by jontyjago at 8:08 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
The guilt was horrible. I did not apologise to the family and don't think you should. As little contact with the ex as possible is best, at least it was for me. Of course you're going to feel like it's your fault and in a very simplistic way it is. As in, you ended it. So, accept that. Her friends will not have a very high opinion of you, but yours will support you. They understand you see. You had no choice, you're not a bad person, but this time it didn't work out. Better now than 10 years, marriage and kids later.
As dubitable says, it's trite, but time does make things better. Good luck.
posted by jontyjago at 8:08 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
You didn't "take" seven years of her life, you spent seven years with her. You don't own those years, she does. She was there too, you know. Aside from the different life goals/plans/hopes/etc, I bet you both enjoyed those seven years, for the most part. That's the important thing.
I get that you feel bad, and that's understandable. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you don't owe anyone anything. It sounds like you did the right thing.
posted by AlisonM at 8:18 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I get that you feel bad, and that's understandable. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you don't owe anyone anything. It sounds like you did the right thing.
posted by AlisonM at 8:18 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is what happens at the breakup of every long term relationship and it's what happened at the end of my marriage and when I look back on it my reaction was frankly a bit silly.
You weren't compatible. That's it. Nobody's fault. Nobody's time was wasted. Life moves on. You buy a hat and start taking your coffee a different way and on your deathbead you think, yeah, I've got a lot of hats.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:28 PM on April 12, 2010 [14 favorites]
You weren't compatible. That's it. Nobody's fault. Nobody's time was wasted. Life moves on. You buy a hat and start taking your coffee a different way and on your deathbead you think, yeah, I've got a lot of hats.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:28 PM on April 12, 2010 [14 favorites]
I cannot see apologizing even if you lead her along telling her you would come around to the marriage thing and then never did.
I recently divorced after more than 15 years of marriage and 3 kids and the reason my wife gave me were that this is not the life she wanted and could no longer live it. I spent the 20 years we were together trying to be who I thought she wanted me to be. I think in good faith it was who she thought she wanted me to be too, but in the end she was honest with herself and I wasn't it. I tell you this because being on the other side, I would not expect or want an apology. I do think she wasted years of my life trying to change me, not knowing what she really wanted and not being honest with herself, but I could have left too and chose to keep on trying. I think harboring anything more than some internal resentment is not productive and you feeling guilty does no one any good either. How would an apology help anyone other than yourself not feel so guilty?
Move on. Live and learn.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:49 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I recently divorced after more than 15 years of marriage and 3 kids and the reason my wife gave me were that this is not the life she wanted and could no longer live it. I spent the 20 years we were together trying to be who I thought she wanted me to be. I think in good faith it was who she thought she wanted me to be too, but in the end she was honest with herself and I wasn't it. I tell you this because being on the other side, I would not expect or want an apology. I do think she wasted years of my life trying to change me, not knowing what she really wanted and not being honest with herself, but I could have left too and chose to keep on trying. I think harboring anything more than some internal resentment is not productive and you feeling guilty does no one any good either. How would an apology help anyone other than yourself not feel so guilty?
Move on. Live and learn.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:49 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I couldn't be the person she wanted me to
No. This is not your failing. It's hers.
She couldn't love you the way you are.
Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go be awesome.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:19 PM on April 12, 2010 [8 favorites]
No. This is not your failing. It's hers.
She couldn't love you the way you are.
Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go be awesome.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:19 PM on April 12, 2010 [8 favorites]
A relationship is something between two people. The nature of the relationship is the result of BOTH people's actions - if one person changes, the relationship would be different. For example, the idea that you need to seriously consider marriage from the start is the way your ex wanted the relationship to be - your next girlfriend might have the opposite opinion.
First rule of a good relationship is you need to like the person for who they are. If your ex believed that you needed to change before she could love you then she was with the wrong person from the beginning. So, it could be argued that she was one with the responsibility to accept you as is or dump you early and move on. On the other hand, you stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't accept you for you are - that was your issue and one that you probably need to work on.
So before you try to forgive yourself for your mistakes, you will need to figure out which ones where your mistakes and which ones were hers. This will take time and emotional distance. One thing that might help the process is to start keeping a journal - just write your thoughts and feelings as they come. It's just for you - don't worry about being spelling, grammar or even making sense - it is the process of writing it out that will help you. (There is actually research to support this - google Pennebaker).
posted by metahawk at 10:47 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
First rule of a good relationship is you need to like the person for who they are. If your ex believed that you needed to change before she could love you then she was with the wrong person from the beginning. So, it could be argued that she was one with the responsibility to accept you as is or dump you early and move on. On the other hand, you stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't accept you for you are - that was your issue and one that you probably need to work on.
So before you try to forgive yourself for your mistakes, you will need to figure out which ones where your mistakes and which ones were hers. This will take time and emotional distance. One thing that might help the process is to start keeping a journal - just write your thoughts and feelings as they come. It's just for you - don't worry about being spelling, grammar or even making sense - it is the process of writing it out that will help you. (There is actually research to support this - google Pennebaker).
posted by metahawk at 10:47 PM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
How do you forgive yourself for your mistakes?
You learn from them, then you don't make them again.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:41 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
You learn from them, then you don't make them again.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:41 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
""How do you forgive yourself for your mistakes?
You learn from them, then you don't make them again.""
Civil_Disobedient, I wish! Many people make the same mistakes over and over again. Poster, it sounds like you have the first opportunity to be really honest about what you want from a relationship. It sounds ike you went into that one with a little blindly, thinking it would all work out cos you had genuine feelings for this person, while she for her part went into it expecting the usual social contract of going-out, moving-in, marraige, kids....
In a sense maybe she too was just following what she thought she wanted....
so you both have an opportunity now to really think aout what kind of relationship will make you feel happy and content. She is free to pursue someone who wants the same type of social contract and you are free to do a bit of thinking about what it is you really want.
The guilt is not really misplaced in the sense that you appear to have just realised how far both your images of the pergect relationship was and it seems to be a big shock to you. Since you're funamentally a nice pfrson you feel guilty. That's OK, and only time will allow the realisation to sink in that maybe you stayed too long because society seems to set people up for an expectation that this is the way all relationships should develop.
There are people for whom this model doesn't work, indeed it makes them very unhappy, guilt-ridden, etc.,
that may be you, so therapy seems a good way to start to come to terms with all of this.
best of luck
posted by Wilder at 3:56 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
You learn from them, then you don't make them again.""
Civil_Disobedient, I wish! Many people make the same mistakes over and over again. Poster, it sounds like you have the first opportunity to be really honest about what you want from a relationship. It sounds ike you went into that one with a little blindly, thinking it would all work out cos you had genuine feelings for this person, while she for her part went into it expecting the usual social contract of going-out, moving-in, marraige, kids....
In a sense maybe she too was just following what she thought she wanted....
so you both have an opportunity now to really think aout what kind of relationship will make you feel happy and content. She is free to pursue someone who wants the same type of social contract and you are free to do a bit of thinking about what it is you really want.
The guilt is not really misplaced in the sense that you appear to have just realised how far both your images of the pergect relationship was and it seems to be a big shock to you. Since you're funamentally a nice pfrson you feel guilty. That's OK, and only time will allow the realisation to sink in that maybe you stayed too long because society seems to set people up for an expectation that this is the way all relationships should develop.
There are people for whom this model doesn't work, indeed it makes them very unhappy, guilt-ridden, etc.,
that may be you, so therapy seems a good way to start to come to terms with all of this.
best of luck
posted by Wilder at 3:56 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Unless it was a shitty 7 years then I don't see what you 'wasted'. Not every releationship is forever but that doesn't discount the value of the time you did spend together.
posted by mary8nne at 4:59 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mary8nne at 4:59 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even though now you are both grieving at the end of this relationship, I can't see her feeling that she wasted 7 years of her life with you. Do you feel that you wasted those years, gettting to know her and love her, before you realized that it just wouldn't work out?
Because I don't think years like that are ever wasted, if you've loved and learned and gained some perspective. That's what living, not merely existing, is all about.
Forgive yourself, and when the time comes, move on. You won't forget her, but your memories will be consigned to a little place in your heart reserved just for her.
Don't expect to be perfect in your next relationship, or perhaps even in the one after that, but accept that with each one you are one step closer to becoming the man you were meant to be.
posted by misha at 9:27 AM on April 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Because I don't think years like that are ever wasted, if you've loved and learned and gained some perspective. That's what living, not merely existing, is all about.
Forgive yourself, and when the time comes, move on. You won't forget her, but your memories will be consigned to a little place in your heart reserved just for her.
Don't expect to be perfect in your next relationship, or perhaps even in the one after that, but accept that with each one you are one step closer to becoming the man you were meant to be.
posted by misha at 9:27 AM on April 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
The notion that "it was important to consider marriage right from the start" is generally not the norm, as far as I know.
posted by Xany at 9:31 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Xany at 9:31 AM on April 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
At the end of the day, it seems that you were being yourself here. As long as you were honest about the whole not wanting to ever get married thing, you haven't done anything wrong. Of course, most people tune out when their partner says I don't want to get married. They think that will change as time goes along. But she's a free person, she could have ended the relationship sooner if she didn't want to continue on without full commitment. You ended this relationship for a reason. 7 years is a long time, so it's gonna hurt for a while on both of you. But it's done now. You simply need to move on. You don't need to apologize to her family. They won't feel better about it if you do. Their only concern is her feelings. And even if you apologize she'll still feel bad. Relationships are hard. Even when you're the dumper...it's still a huge shock. It's normal to feel guilty. Things will get better. Give yourslef some time. Cut contact from this girl. When you feel ready, start to date other people. You'll soon find peace. I wish you all the best.
posted by ljs30 at 1:41 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by ljs30 at 1:41 PM on May 4, 2010
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posted by dfriedman at 6:58 PM on April 12, 2010 [3 favorites]