Holiday with mum - aaaaaaahhhhh!

March 30, 2010 8:18 AM

How do I spend a week with my mother without going crazy?

I have lived in London for nearly eight years now and my mother is coming to visit for the first time. She is staying for a week over Easter.

The thing is, though I have visited her back home several times, she has changed considerably and so have I. She often says "you have become too English" (we are from Brazil) and apart from that, I have obviously done and seen a lot of different stuff that she would have no clue about and am used to doing things (such as cooking, for example) totally differently than she would.

My mum is a fairly easy-going person who likes a laugh but he have always had a sort of 'turbulent' relationship. I feel that she blames me for nor being around for her for so long (I am the only child). Conversely, I have been through a lot of trouble in the past due to my parents' divorce - though that's a lot less difficult for me to deal with these days - and kind of blamed her too.

She will be staying at my place, where I live with my partner, who has met her and the three of us have previously traveled together, etc. We have planned all sorts of things to do - ballet, tours, trip to Paris, trips to other parts of the UK, etc.

It is only a week, but how do I make sure that the combination of my mum's inexperience traveling abroad, the language difficulties (she does not speak English and therefore will rely on me for pretty much everything) my history with her, our cultural differences do not spoil the trip? Also, how do I tell her that I need a few minutes alone if I need to have a rest at home or something - I know, you can tell I haven't had a lot of contact with my mother lately...

Obviously, I love my mother very much and want to make her first trip abroad an unforgettable experience. I just don't want to run out of patience and look like a total grumpy impatient and intolerant bitch towards her and my boyfriend, who will be tagging along most of the time. Any advice from the hive mind on how to cope would be much appreciated...

posted by heartofglass to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Just joke around with her alot. If she complains that you've become too English, tell her she's become too [I can't think of a good joke so you'll have to fill it in with something that would make her laugh]. Just communicate with her, don't let her wheedle or whine, and laugh alot. Let your boyfriend set the tone and do much of the talking, and distance yourself emotionally without appearing too distant.
posted by anniecat at 8:28 AM on March 30, 2010

If she complains that you've become too English, tell her you have learned there is no such thing as too English.
posted by biffa at 8:30 AM on March 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I think the most important thing is to make sure that you DO give yourself some time to have a quiet rest at home while she's visiting, at least a little time each day. Otherwise, it sounds like it will all get overwhelming very quickly.

Is she really going to get offended if you say that you need a quick nap? When my parents or other overbearing relatives have visited, I have often excused myself to take a nap for a half hour in the middle of the day, and also gone to bed a little early. I didn't usually go to sleep, but just used the time to close the door and have some quiet. It was a good time to check my email or otherwise relax.

Maybe make sure there are some things for her to do on her own at your place? Maybe see if you can pick up some magazines for her to read or subtitled movies or something? I can see how the language barrier could be an extra frustration since she'll be so dependent on you, but most people need a little time to themselves. There is nothing wrong or rude with saying that you need some time alone. Worst case, you can say that you've had a headache all week or something, and use that as an excuse to give yourself a little break now and then.

My best advice is to just tell yourself that it's going to be a fun trip. A week is not THAT long a time. I have found that when I am prepared for a stressful visit, it's often more stressful than it has to be, but when I make myself look forward to all the fun things I can show my parents, it winds up being fun.
posted by tastybrains at 8:35 AM on March 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

My suggestion would be to pick up a travel guide to where you live in her native language. That way when you tell her about what you have planned she can look it up, as well as allow her to look for some things that she wants to do. Get her involved in planning so that she wants to take some time to herself to look through the book, or even see some sites on her own (if she is an independent person).
posted by elationfoundation at 8:39 AM on March 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

Visits with my mother are wonderful but generally very intense and draining (for both of us!), especially because of the limited time we have to catch up. I used to get very irritable by the afternoon and that continued until it was time to go to sleep, which greatly diminished the quality of the visiting time.

However, we have now developed an understanding that during these visits we take a couple hours for a break each day in the afternoon, when we both go take naps or read or whatever.

I felt guilty at first about asking for this "regeneration" time (especially because I thought it would be cutting into our limited time), but I was honest with her about how intense I felt the visits were and how much more happy, quality time we would spend together if I had a chance to take some time for myself. The results backed this up and after the first visit she was totally on board-- and she found the rest time to help her as well!

Perhaps you can make a case for an afternoon break in the interest of spending more quality time together? It isn't for every family, but it's made all the difference for us.

Also-- what tastybrains said.
posted by mireille at 8:43 AM on March 30, 2010

I have found that a relatively unobtrusive way to take a break from my mom is to basically alternate "momsitting" with my husband. We don't plan it out or anything, it just happens. I'll be the main one talking to her for an hour or so, then I'll be reading a magazine or whatever the situation allows while he's on. My mom is very high maintenance but this tactic significantly delays the onset of my becoming a grumpy, impatient and intolerant bitch.
posted by HotToddy at 8:45 AM on March 30, 2010

Best answer: Apologies if this comes of as sounding condescending, but the way I travelled in France for nearly three weeks with my mother was, essentially, to act the parent.

I gave her a guidebook and had her identify a bunch of stuff that she really wanted to see or do. For things that were one-time events, I put them on the calendar as definite. For everything else, I noted the hours/days of operation (for museums, etc.) and made sure to do a little homework for what was nearby.

So, "what do you want to do today" could quickly be guided into "this place or that place" and if we were peckish or needed a break while we were out I always had an idea for a good place to stop for a snack or a drink.

When my mom stays with me (I'm also an only child) we like to always plan some home time, too. Don't forget to do some grocery shopping ahead of time to stock your cupboards so she doesn't think that you're starving when she's not there to look after you.

My mom loves it when I make dinner. If my mom were Brazilian, I'd be conspiring to get her behind the stove, though.
posted by desuetude at 8:45 AM on March 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

Do you have any local Brazilian friends? If so, invite them over (or out with you) so that you can take a break from talking/interpreting and so that your mother can relax in familiarity of language and culture while being in an unfamiliar place.
posted by Pineapplicious at 8:53 AM on March 30, 2010

Your question is an extremely mild version of how I would personally write this question, but with many parallels. Good advice above. I find that all of the positive suggestions work much better when I practice extreme self care during my mother's visit. One way to frame this is to tell your mom how much you've changed your personal habits which support your health and well being (something she will appreciate). While she is visiting, I make a point of engaging in my personal routines religiously. I exercise and meditate and go to bed early. These allow me to make sure that I have best personal resiliency and personal space to be at my best no matter what flies. Good luck.
posted by kch at 9:02 AM on March 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

Before your mother arrives, have her make a list of her "must sees." You will probably wind up doing half of that. She's going to be pretty tired from the long journey--sightseeing can be exhausting--so you'll have plenty of down time when she needs to rest. Plan some cozy meals at home that you make with a little bit of her help if that's low stress for both of you. Keep things light and if she makes wistful remarks about your being so far away, give her a hug, and say: "I miss you, too, Mom. I'm glad you're here right now." The week will fly by.
posted by Elsie at 9:07 AM on March 30, 2010

It sounds to me like you have a real opportunity to develop an adult relationship with your mother. Try to put any lingering emotional baggage behind and just concentrate on enjoying your time together. Slow things down a bit, bring out the wine. Sit and laugh and talk. Learn to love her as a complete and complex person. Get to know her and let her get to know you and your partner. You all sound like fine people who just need to get past nerves and expectations.
posted by Pennyblack at 9:11 AM on March 30, 2010

Best answer: Maybe the problem lies in what you want from the trip.

If it were a peer visiting, you would want to show her a good time, perhaps impress her a little with your knowledge and skills, but the latter wouldn't be the main goal. But this is your mother. Her approval, her acceptance is very important to you. Because of that you put too much pressure on your self.

But are you so sure you don't have that approval, acceptance, maybe even awe, from her? You have done things, seen things, learned things she had little hope of experiencing (perhaps things that would have intimidated or scared her at your age.). That could be a hard thing for her to admit out loud.

If she says, "You have become too English," I think the response is, "The English don't think so, but I have had to become a little English because I'm surrounded by them." In a quieter moment, ask if it is more because you have become less Brazilian, or if it is that you have become less of a little girl. It might well be that that complaint contains a great deal of admiration.

I don't know you mother. There are many people that can never admit, even to themselves, the growth of people they knew as children. There are even more that can never change the way they react to the people that they knew when they were young. If I won the Nobel Prize, my mother would say something about my posture at least once a day she was with me, and she would instruct me on how to fold socks; there's just no way that would change. That doesn't mean she thinks I'm incompetent.

Remember that a lot of the complaints, and especially the ones that sting the most, don't mean that she disapproves of you. They show a real strong, irresistible desire to help you and maybe a fear that she is no longer able to do that.

You know you are a capable, fully functioning adult (or at least the degree to which you aren't.). Just be that person, and enjoy the time you have with her. (There may come a time when you miss her griping.)
posted by Some1 at 9:19 AM on March 30, 2010 [5 favorites]

My parents come and camp out at our house for a month at a time. It's awesome, except for those moments when it's completely stressful for all involved.

• Don't get overly stressed about the tidiness house. We like our house tidy, but my parents are guests and don't always have a spot for everything. When there's clutter, let it go. If she puts the dishes away in the wrong cabinet she's not criticizing how you've organized your kitchen. She just doesn't know where stuff goes.

• Everyone gets tired. Cranky follows tired like a shadow. Your mom isn't 20 or 30. She will likely get tired before you do and need some downtime. Plan for some rest/rejuvenation time every day. Every single day without fail.

• When you need some time to yourself, take it. Better to give yourself 30 minutes to regain your composure, than to spend the rest of the day bickering. Stop by the newsstand and get the newspaper in her native language. If you need a bit of time to yourself, she can read about home.

• Your mom is also trying to figure out your relationship. Allow her to make a few mistakes and be overbearing for a sec. Your mom has to figure out how to deal with your spouse, new home, different lifestyle and independence. We often think our parents have things figured out, but they don't. She's as confused as you are.
posted by 26.2 at 9:43 AM on March 30, 2010

Your relationship with your mother sounds almost identical to mine. The way I cope when I go home for a visit is to watch a lot of movies and TV with her -- it gives us something safe to talk about, so we don't get into the same old baggage-y arguments.
posted by coppermoss at 10:03 AM on March 30, 2010

Tell her you jog with your partner. Then go out for either a nice relaxing walk with your partner or have a lazy coffee in your yoga clothes at the local coffee shop.
posted by srboisvert at 1:13 PM on March 30, 2010

I find, that when dealing with difficult relatives, it sort of helps to take a Jane Goodall-style anthropological stance towards dealing with them. Observe their behavior calmly, make notes in your head... instead of thinking, "OMG MOM WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME TOO ENGLISH," perhaps shift your thinking to, "The matriarch makes reference to an unexpected cultural difference between herself and her offspring." It helps me to keep detached and calm in the face of a relative that can be frustrating to deal with.
posted by mornie_alantie at 5:54 PM on March 30, 2010 [5 favorites]