Domestic situation
March 12, 2010 3:06 AM   Subscribe

We have a domestic situation ...

My wife bought me a new jacket. Its a Patagonia Fleece jacket from REI. I think it costs $175. Its really nice. The problem? I don't need it (in my view) and I consider it extravagant. Part of the problem is that I make a lot more money than her (its not that I make a lot, but that she makes next to nothing), so I pretty much pay for everything. So essentially, I paid for this coat and I resent it because I think the money could be put towards something more practical, like a new fridge. I have explicitly told her not to buy me any more clothes. I said this before last xmas. I got clothes anyway. If I say I want to return the jacket, she'll get hurt and mad and we will fight. Do I just let this go?
posted by allelopath to Human Relations (49 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Unless you actively give her money, you did not buy this. She did, with her own money. It was a thoughtful gift and while it may be unnecessary, you're being kind of a dick about it. Let it go.
posted by InsanePenguin at 3:18 AM on March 12, 2010 [37 favorites]


If you're desperate for cash, return it and have a long talk with your wife about budget management.

It's not helpful to remind her that you make all the money in the house, though. That's condescending and not respectful. If you're married, you're a team, economically and emotionally. Consider yourself a mini-enterprise where all the money is made by the team. Just because you happen to be in the sales department, doesn't mean that your wife isn't useful to the company. Respect her contribution, even though it is less than yours.

Also, your wife probably wanted to do something nice for you. Buying you a jacket is like saying: "I think about you" (Research shows that women think about their loved ones when buying stuff: "He likes this beer.", "The kid loves these cookies". Men think about themselves.) Be thankful to your wife for thinking about you.
posted by NekulturnY at 3:18 AM on March 12, 2010 [57 favorites]


I understand that her buying something expensive and unnecessary is frustrating and it might be a big problem, but the fact that what you point out as the larger problem is that you make more money and she spends it is what stands out to me. Questions like this are always popping up on here, and what often strikes me is how the fact that one person in a relationship makes more money is so important to people, and they feel like that gives them power to call the shots about money. Which is fine if you want it that way, you're free adults; but what may be better is to come at it from the perspective that because you're a team and you're working from a smaller shared pool of money, any time one person is making extravagant or possibly frivolous purchases without consulting the other it's hurting you both. If you feel that the fact that she is making less money is a big issue in your relationship, you should probably address that, because that's probably what's more important to you about this situation than the fact that she's spending it.
posted by Red Loop at 3:27 AM on March 12, 2010 [5 favorites]


Seconding the "Team" comment. Apart from that:
You're so huffed about the waste of money and (or so it seems) by the element of disobedience that you forget telling why you think she buys you clothes. Is it for showing you her love and devotion? Is it an act of defiance (because you told her not to buy clothes)? Would she like you to wear other things than you do? Is it a signal that she, secretly, would like you to buy her clothes (in case she doesn't dare buy some herself, since she uses mostly your money)? Is it a thing she thinks husbands expect their wives to do? Does she have an addiction to buying random stuff? Etc. Different answers, different strategies - including strategies of dealing with your own emotions around that problem.

As it seems now, your rationality (for which I have some sympathy) stands in the way of perceiving the psychological entanglements a human mind (hers in this case) is entitled to develop under otherwise quite normal circumstances. For solving this part of the problem, I'd say ask and talk, and ask and talk some more. Don't confront.

Otherwise, in my view, take this one coat and be nice about it. Plan changes and communicate clearly about them from now on. If you guys need a fridge, sit down together (!) and make a financial plan toward buying that fridge. It will be pretty obvious what kind of things can not be bought while you're saving up for that fridge.
posted by Namlit at 3:27 AM on March 12, 2010 [15 favorites]


I recently divorced my husband of 15 years because he "explicitly told me" not to spend any of "his" money all the time. And I kept doing it, petulant child that I am. Everything I bought was "extravagant" in his eyes since I was always spending "his" money. I kept reminding him that marriage means "our" money but we never got to that point. Eventually I "explicitly told" him that we also had a domestic situation on our hands called a "divorce". I Just bought an extravagant house with my half of "his" money.

You're explicitly being kind of a dick.
posted by madred at 3:34 AM on March 12, 2010 [125 favorites]


You're married. This means:

- As you get older, your wife will take more of an active interest in what you wear. The thin end of the wedge is socks. It soon migrates to pants and jackets. Your wife is not only telling you that you'll look good in this jacket, but chances are that you don't look as good in what you're currently wearing as you think you do.

- You really don't want to go down the route of thinking "it's my money." Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. If you're at the point of keeping score, you're a bitchy argument waiting to happen.

- Give her the shit sandwich. Tell her you love the coat, but don't want any more clothes. Don't take the coat back and tell her you don't want more clothes.
posted by MuffinMan at 3:36 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I make a lot more money than my girlfriend. She has a hard time buying gifts for me because anything I really want, I just buy for myself. Books in particular. I have thousands of books. I have begged her not to buy me books. One Christmas she bought me ... a book. That I already owned. And I said, "I've already got this." Because, like you, I was frustrated. I didn't need a present from her - a card would be fine. I felt like she wasted her money. And I let that show. What an asshole. I wish I could take it back. I should've said, "Thank you. I love it." Because she spent hours picking the perfect gift for me. I should've put it on my shelf with pride and taken the copy I'd bought for myself and donated it the local library or something. But no, I told her I already had a copy and I made my girlfriend cry on Christmas Day. Oops. Did I say girlfriend? I meant ex-girlfriend. We broke up shortly after that.

Your wife bought you a fleece because she loves you. She thinks you'll look great in it. Or she loves the way it feels. Or she's worried you'll catch a cold. Wear the damn thing. Tell her, "every time I wear this, it's like you're giving me a hug." You'll make her day.

Also, what NekulturY said about the money.
posted by zanni at 3:40 AM on March 12, 2010 [129 favorites]


Do you each have a personal budget? Do you track it? Do you each have exactly the same?

My husband earns way more than me, it doesn't matter because we are a "team" and as such we work out what we want our monthly spending budgets to be and they are equal.

Ours are about £150 each, so about $200ish - if I buy him something that is from my budget he won't complain because it was 'my' allocated money.

I on the other hand would be really dissappointed in myself if I spent what I considered to be a decent amount of money on something that he didn't like . Not because I thought "He is being ungrateful or a bit of a dick" but because I don't know him well enough to get him something he values.

I am actually a little sad that your wife doesn't get you things that both you and she like. I would say that what would be really valuable in this situation is for you to talk to her and let her get to know what sort of gifts you would appreciate, and visa versa, she might want a gift back occassionally too and gives gifts to you as bit of a hint (just a thought!).

I would say that if you think the amount she spent is extravagent then your household doesn't have enough mutual agreement on what your budget is. Sit down and work out what a clothes budget it, what a household white goods budget it. That way you will be able to buy a new fridge in 6 months after you have save $200 a month for it. She won't buy you so many clothes because the budget won't stretch to it, and also if you too really want to make each other happy then she might find out what you really like and buy that for you with her money instead.

I spent a lot of my budget this month on buying my hubby Split Reason t-shirts (about £40) because I know it will really make him happy and it makes me happy to see him happy.

Anyway, I don't see things like this as problems, I see them as opportunities to learn more about each other and become a better couple from it.
posted by lilyflower at 3:49 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


If you want to bring up money, it's not about who makes the money. It's not that "You" cannot afford to pay for these luxuries. It's that "We" as in you and her together, are not in a good position for such luxuries. She does mean well. However, you did explicitly tell her you did not want clothes and she explicitly ignored this. That is a communications issue in itself.

If she has a problem with the clothes you wear, she needs to express this to you directly, not with passive-aggressive ignoring of your wishes and buying clothes anyway. She may mean well, but you did make your wishes clear. Your domestic situation is a lack of proper communication. You cannot go in thinking "My money my control.", that's just going to cause fights and defensiveness.
posted by Saydur at 3:57 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: lots of things said here ... some responses.

Not desperate for cash. Just think it could be spent more wisely

psychological entanglements...yes

>> you don't look as good in what you're currently wearing as you think you do.
not a big concern of mine.

>>let her get to know what sort of gifts you would appreciate, and visa versa
we've done this. we actually have it written down.

Thanks for the replies. I'll let it go and appreciate the gift. It is a really nice jacket.
posted by allelopath at 3:58 AM on March 12, 2010 [7 favorites]


Can you afford (in the financial sense) to let it go? Do you actually need the $175 for something? If you're short on cash, then that puts you in a different situation to that which you'd be in if you're rolling in it.

Did she buy it from her money, or from the household money? She might have saved for months to buy you this coat, or there might be bailiffs banging on the door because a bill has gone unpaid. This also has an effect on how you should handle the situation.

How explicitly did you say to her "please don't buy me any more clothes" and did you provide her with a good reason for that? A good reason is "we need to pay the rent with that money". A good reason is not "I just don't like you doing that". If you provide her with a good reason, she'll be more likely to acquiesce. (Whatever, though, you have no right to tell her what to do with her own money.)

It sounds to me like you guys need to chat about money, and what money goes towards paying for what. Important bills should be paid for first, such as rent and food, and then what is left over can be saved or spent on frivolities.

have you heard of The Five Love Languages? Your wife may be a "gift-giver", in which case, she was showing you love by buying you the jacket. Throwing that back in her face would be pretty mean.

she'll get hurt and mad and we will fight

Only one of these things is inevitable, and that isn't actually all that inevitable. She may well get hurt and mad, but you don't have to fight about this. You're both adults who are (I'm assuming) both capable of a calm, rational conversation. The only reason this will descend into an argument is if you both make it do that. She could rant, rave, pace, scream, stamp her feet and so on, and you could quite easily not react. Your choice as to how you respond to her behaviour is just that.

I wouldn't return the coat. What I would do is use the coat as a jumping off point into a conversation about money, who pays for what, what money gets spent on, etc. It sounds like you guys need that conversation. Once you both set clear boundaries, you can both enforce them. At the moment, though, it sounds like you're both singing from different hymn sheets.
posted by Solomon at 4:02 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Seconding lilyflower's budget idea-- or you can take the "personal budget" idea a little farther by having one joint account, but also two individual, smaller accounts into which a small "allowance" gets e-paid every month. That way, (a) she has her own money to use for small luxuries (or to save up for big presents), (b) you know neither of you will will go over budget because there's a fixed amount in your respective slush accounts, and (c) you don't have to stress so much about each other's nonessential purchases, because after all it's her money she's using.

Also, Solomon's suggestion of The Five Love Languages (free online quiz here) is great. The basic idea is that different people both express and receive love in different ways-- gifts vs. time spent vs. physical touch vs. compliments, etc. We tend to give love in the ways we'd personally like to receive it, but in fact loving gestures are best received if they're made in the recipient's "love language".

If she's someone who herself enjoys getting gifts, she may assume that you'll also feel really loved when you receive them from her, and your returning this jacket would be tantamount to a rejection of her love. By talking about each other's "languages", you may be able to convince her that in general, other kinds of gestures will make you feel much more loved than extravagant presents ever could.
posted by Bardolph at 4:14 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


>> you don't look as good in what you're currently wearing as you think you do.
not a big concern of mine.


Yeah, ok, not your concern, but it could easily be hers. Especially since you say you've already spelled out that you don't want clothes as gifts; she could very easily not know of another way to tell you that she thinks you should maybe spend a little more time caring about your appearance.
posted by nat at 4:16 AM on March 12, 2010 [14 favorites]


One other thought. She might have gotten a really really good sale, you know. Some of us are champion shoppers that way.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:20 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


You said you'd rather put the money towards a new fridge. Does your wife know you want to buy a new fridge? Have your both agreed to put $x aside each month (preferably in a separate savings account) to save up for the new fridge? If you do that then there's no worries about spending money that could have gone towards shared_large_expense_X (fridge, holiday, new car, whatever). If you do the agree-to-put-money-aside thing and she STILL uses that money on gifts for you... well that's a different problem.

so I pretty much pay for everything. So essentially, I paid for this coat

I take this to mean you either a) give her some "spending money" from your wages, or b) she has access to a joint account that your wages go into. If a), then she can spend the money on whatever she likes. If b), then you need to talk about putting money aside for bills and shared expenses (see above) - and maybe instead of having shared access to one account, transfer some money to her account each month (and then going by "a)" as above).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:29 AM on March 12, 2010


She sees you doing without, shivering in the cold in a ratty old coat so that you two can have money for a new fridge. She thinks, I love him so much I'll do without a new fridge so I can keep him warm.

This is not the kind of thinking you want to discourage, in my opinion.
posted by Houstonian at 4:30 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


2 thoughts:

As St. Alia mentioned, do you know she spent $175 on that jacket? I've gotten REI outlet/sale items--including "technical wear" $$ jackets--for 50-80% off (it's the only way I shop there).

Also, if I were in her (financial) shoes, if this were a gift I probably would have bought it from what I perceived was "my" money; i.e. budgeted it from my own paycheck. Which would make it even more jarring and ungracious for you to approach her from the angle that she was spending YOUR money, whatever that even means in a communal property marriage, short of laying down some of the boundaries suggested above (which I think you should think about testing, since just washing all the money into one pool is clearly a source of tension for you around certain purchases).
posted by availablelight at 5:00 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


My father gave my mother a hard time about her purchases until the day she died. It was really clear to me that he did this because he resented having to work and support a family. In fact, as an adult I said as much to him and he acknowledged it, but the behavior didn't stop. Coming from this background, I would ask if there is some more general source for your resentment.

At the same time, I have a partner who is addicted to buying. We have tons of stuff that's never been opened and I have sometimes wanted to return gifts. If your wife does this, and if it's adding up to a lot of money, that's something to address in some of the practical ways suggested above. Putting a stranglehold on seemingly frivolous spending will drive a wedge between you if you have opposite tendencies in that way, so just set a discretionary budget between you and make sure you are meeting your saving goals and don't scrutinize individuals items bought as long as you are within that plan.
posted by BibiRose at 5:14 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Part of the problem is that I make a lot more money than her (its not that I make a lot, but that she makes next to nothing), so I pretty much pay for everything. So essentially, I paid for this coat and I resent it because I think the money could be put towards something more practical, like a new fridge.

This is really loaded phrasing.

You make more money than her; does she not work hard? Do you think it's fair that she's paid next to nothing for the work she does? Do you think that your insistence on it being "your" money might make her feel like less of an equal in the relationship? I can't imagine this is the first time this has come up.

Does she make up for it by, say, bearing your children, or working around the house, or taking the time to buy you things that might make your life more luxurious? The archaic way you look at "your money" leads me to wonder if you have an archaic household model where the woman does the bulk of the unmentioned and uncompensated work.

She took the time to make sure you are warm and smartly dressed. That's a surefire sign that she cares about you. I would suggest, as a return for her thoughtful gift, you give some thought to some of the inequities behind the way you put together this question and whether or not you can think of your wife as your equal, not your dependent.
posted by Hiker at 5:42 AM on March 12, 2010 [22 favorites]


">> you don't look as good in what you're currently wearing as you think you do.
not a big concern of mine."


You're missing the point.
posted by merocet at 5:49 AM on March 12, 2010 [13 favorites]


It sounds like you're okay with the jacket now, but the problem will come up again if you don't address some issues.

1. Who makes more money is irrelevant. You are married. The money belongs to both of you. If you feel that making more money should give you more control over how it is spent, let go of that feeling. It's a divisive and destructive attitude.

2. With that in mind, you need to establish a budget together. If you need a new fridge, budget for a new fridge. Clearly establish how much money you as a couple can afford to spend on discretionary stuff. Then decide together how to handle that. Since her frivolous spending in is this case a problem for you, you're probably going to do best with a "mad money" allowance for each of you. Then each of you can blow that money on whatever you want without recriminations from the other.

3. Sometimes one partner in a relationship has the idea that something is settled, but the other doesn't. That can lead to conflicts like this. Sometimes lots and lots of repetition is necessary. If you don't want clothes as gifts, say it again. And again. And again. But not while you're mad about the jacket. Remember when you say it that she enjoys giving you clothes and she is likely to feel sad that you don't want her to do it. Have that in mind every time you say something about it. And try not to get frustrated if she does it again. It can take a while to internalize what your spouse is saying about something that you feel completely different about. That's even more likely when it's something that feels trivial to one or both.
posted by Dojie at 5:55 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


technical point -- there are a ton of sales right now on the "winter" line of outdoors goods. so, while it doesn't vitiate your point about not wanting clothes, she probably didn't pay full price.

On a more substantive note, I think that having some system where you have pre-arranged financial commitments to the household (and consequently some money that is yours to do with as you please) is really, really important.
posted by mercredi at 5:57 AM on March 12, 2010


To my mind, a marriage should function as an economic partnership, and not a shareholding corporation. That is, you each should have equal access to the partnership's earnings, and an equal say in how they are spent. Not a disproportion number of votes weighted according to how much of the "marriage capital" each spouse contributed.

I think it's important for you to realize that--so long as you hold onto this idea that you earned the money, therefore you have more right to decide how it's spent--you are creating a serious power imbalance in your marriage and not treating your spouse like an equal partner.

So, you think it would have been "wiser" to spend the money on something "practical", like a fridge. Do you realize that (I assume your current fridge is functioning adequately) that is just one man's opinion? There's nothing inherently more practical in upgrading a coat vs. upgrading a fridge. She clearly thinks that the coat was a wise choice. Your opinion does not trump hers.

At some later, completely neutral point in time, you might discuss the question of why she keeps buying you clothes when you've asked her not to. It's important to do this in a way that gives equal value to her opinions and motivations, though.

One of the principles in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" is "accepting influence." This might be an area where you could stand some improvement.
posted by drlith at 5:58 AM on March 12, 2010 [4 favorites]


I have explicitly told her not to buy me any more clothes.

I think most of the responses which are criticizing the poster for being a sexist jerk fail to take this into account. Similarly, zanni's story is heartfelt, but he explicitly asked his girlfriend to not buy him books, yet she bought him a book. One that he already had.

allelopath, you explicitly told your wife not to buy you something, yet she did it anyway. No amount of "but she really is just showing you love" or "you have antiquated notions about money" makes up for the fact that she expressly disregarded your simple request.

She does want to show her love for you. I suggest you tell her ways that she can do that. So you don't like clothes. Maybe there is something else you would like--a massage, for instance, or a simple gift. I know there are few material things I would like for people to buy me--I buy most things I want. But I love it when someone parks me at a table and feeds me an awesome home-cooked meal.

You might both be happier if you make positive requests--"I love gifts like such and such"--in addition to the negative requests.
posted by massysett at 6:39 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


Do I just let this go?

Yes.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:00 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


This is tangential to the question, but the thing about a Patagonia jacket or other high-quality brands - it will last a very long time, so you could look at as "I will never have to buy another jacket of this type again." If you stretch that $175 over 15-20 years, it doesn't seem quite as extravagant. St. Alia of the Bunnies is also correct about the sale; is it a fall/winter jacket? I guarantee you it was at least 50% off, then.
posted by desjardins at 7:22 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Seconding thirding fourthing reiterating: It's not your money. It's her money.

Try divorcing her, and you'll see pretty quickly that the courts agree.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:27 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Having been in this situation early in my marriage, let me say a few things.

When talking with your wife, please make sure that you always say "our money" instead of allelopath's money. When I was out of work after the birth of our child, my husband made a big stink about the money in our joint account being his. I had to ask for permission to withdraw money, and very often, the answer was no. He'd go out and buy things for himself, and I didn't have clothes that fit. I very nearly left him over this. Fortunately, he realized he was being a jerk and changed his ways. Even so, now that we're in a situation again where I'm not working, I've internalized a lot of shame and guilt because of what happened before, despite my husband being supportive and understanding now. Please do not do this to your wife.

Even when I was working, I always made significantly less than him. When we were dating, my first gift to him was a Mont Blanc pen that I saved up for. It makes me feel good to buy him fancy things (All-Clad pots, autographed first editions) and it's my way of acknowledging that, because of all the financial support he has given me, he's foregone some luxuries he could have otherwise had.

Please, be gracious about the coat.
posted by Ruki at 7:37 AM on March 12, 2010 [7 favorites]


The problem isn't the coat, it's that you think it cost too much. Set up a budget for Christmas or birthday gifts if you are worried that gifts are taking too much of the paycheck to pay for. If you are in debt, I would agree with you that this was too extravagant. But if you are living within your budget, remember that sometimes you need both small luxuries (like the coat) and short-term goals (like buying a refrigerator).

And hey, even though you told her not to get you clothes, you do admit to really liking the very nice coat, right? So she does really know what you like, and she made a good choice. You work hard, and she got you something you liked but wouldn't have felt right indulging in for yourself. Sounds like a good gift to me.

Please do NOT make an issue of how much more money you make than she does, whatever you do! I've been married over 20 years, and for most of that time I was home with the kids, not making any money at all. This used to bother me, because I felt that I wasn't making an equal contribution to the relationship. But I came to realize that I was busy raising the kids, taking care of all the details my husband couldn't and just basically ensuring we had a happy, healthy, harmonious family. Which I would submit is every bit as important as bringing home a paycheck.
posted by misha at 7:55 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I paid for this??????

You really need to get over that. Discuss your family finances. I make more than y spouse, but we make our financial decisions together. The money is our money, not mine or his. It will help you to have some ground rules about what can be spent under what circumstances.

For example, we discuss any purchase over about $100. $90 is a personal judgement. $120? We talk about it.

Annual bonuses from work, though, are still pretty much owned by the individual.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:59 AM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


This, "I pretty much pay for everything," is a very separate issue from this, "I have explicitly told her not to buy me any more clothes."

Apart from your disagreement with her about her spending or gift-buying choices, you need to sort out your attitude toward family finances. You do not "pretty much pay for everything," you bring in a larger paycheck than your wife. There's a difference and it's important.

You might consider asking her why she buys you clothes rather than other gifts you might prefer. Whether or not she likes your wardrobe, it's reasonable to ask her to listen to you about gifts. I'd phrase it more along the lines of, "I don't like getting clothes as gifts, if you want to give me a gift I'd much rather get [a nice dinner out/a new gadget/whatever]. If you think I need a new jacket, that's fine, but I'd rather you not give me one as a gift," instead of phrasing it along the lines of what is or isn't a waste of money.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:16 AM on March 12, 2010


Sorry if someone else has mentioned this already, but are you sure of how much she spent on it? Often high end sports wear like this will be sold at large discounts at the end of the season. I recently bought some similar brand name outdoor items for 50-60% off from an outdoors store. So, I have no idea if this applies or not, but would you still be mad if she paid, say, $70 instead of $175?
posted by Diplodocus at 9:31 AM on March 12, 2010


I couldn't help but notice you said, "I think it costs $175." Why do you think this? Did she leave a tag on it? Did you see a similar jacket somewhere else for that price? Did you actually see the physical proof of purchase for $175?

Unless you saw a receipt showing she paid that much for it, I wouldn't assume that she did. Your wife might just be a really good shopper. REI has frequent sales. She might have applied her annual member refund towards the purchase of a nice jacket for you. The bottom line is, unless you know for a fact that she spent $175 on it, this is not a fight worth having. Just be grateful that your wife cares enough about you to want you to have nice things.
posted by booknerd at 9:40 AM on March 12, 2010


Let go of the resentment about whose money it is; let go the concern about the waste. The only thing about this you should be paying attention to is that you explicitly told her you didn't want something as a gift, and she bought it for you anyway -- and that you feel having a conversation about this will lead to a fight.

What could the first part mean? Let's run down a few options:

1. She took clothes to mean clothes, not outerwear. If you think this is the case, enjoy the jacket and when the next gift-giving occasion comes up, tell her that this time you really want something that she makes herself, something small that expresses how she feels about you, not something she can just go out and buy like clothes or jackets or shoes or appliances.

2. She doesn't like the way you dress, and feels you don't listen when she tells you (or can't tell you), so she's going to give you these gifts as a way to improve your look. This suggests a breakdown in communication, and perhaps you should wait a bit (so it's not oriented contextually to the gift she gave you) then sit down and tell her you've been thinking that maybe you don't dress like you should, and what does she think -- then listen to what she has to say, since she has to look at you more than anyone else.

3. She enjoys the process of shopping as a habit or self-soothing therapy, and she bought the jacket in that context. Unless she's regularly buying things she shouldn't (versus just occasional things like this) then this might be possible, but keep in mind it's about her, not you, and so you should consider it in that perspective before you do or say anything (assuming you do at all; if it's not breaking your budget, where's the harm?)

4. She does this intentionally to feel like she's independent and can't be controlled (see Madred's comment above), in which case you two have commuication issues to work out that are much larger than the jacket and should probably seek therapy so you can talk constructively without arguing.

5. She doesn't listen to you and doesn't care what you like, so she just grabbed the jacket off the shelf because it looked nice and she figured it didn't matter what she bought because now her shopping is finished and she can go do things she cares about. See #4 for what that means.

6. She's intentionall provoking you to start an argument because she's fed up with things and needs a catalyst to get out of the relationship; see #4 again.

Obviously, the higher the number, the more dramatic, but the less likely. Now, about that other thing: you can't talk to her about this without a fight? Maybe you are a jerk. Maybe she is a jerk. Maybe you both are. Maybe you are both incredible, awesome people who just have a major communications block. Whatever it is, if you can't talk about things that are bothering you, you have a problem and it doesn't matter whose fault it is.

I've MeMailed you a bit more.
posted by davejay at 10:23 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


One different aspect that may apply here. People have different preferences for HOW they demonstrate love and which actions by their partners "count" as romantic gestures. It sounds like your wife feels that the thoughtful, carefully selected present is an important part of saying Happy Birthday. Contributing extra $ towards a new frig is not the same for her. So - first this gives you a clue about what she might really like from you (thoughtful gift) and second it may the start of a conversation about what things make each of you feel loved and appreciated. Check out the five languages of love as a starting point.
posted by metahawk at 10:56 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Let it go.... When you're married, it's not her money or your money, it's our money. She loves you. She bought you nice jacket. Why make it into a "domestic situation." $175 is not a lot in the grand scheme of things; and certainly not a lot compared to having peace and love in your relationship.
posted by bananafish at 12:40 PM on March 12, 2010


It's less efficient than buying yourself the stuff you want the most, but the point of your wife buying you gifts isn't to optimize the value of the stuff you get but to optimize the good feelings generated by gift buying, giving, and receiving. Your wife actually spent the money on "love bank points," they just happen to come with a bonus jacket.

Maybe you two just should agree on an annual budget (or separate budgets for each gift giving occasion, like Christmas/Hanukkah, birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversary, and "just because") for how much you can/should each spend (from your joint marital resources) on each other for gifts, then just consider that money gone and don't worry about how she decides to spend her half on you. Think of this budget category as part of marriage maintenance/enhancement and not as part of your personal clothing budget, just like "date night" in a nice restaurant should not be considered part of the same budget category as "food we must consume to live."

Also, you might consider buying two pre-paid credit cards for $X each ($X being each person's half of the intra-marital gifts budget) and each use them for (and only for) buying gifts for one another. This separates the spending of the money from the receiving/giving of the gifts and also helps avoid overspending and spoiled surprises (since presumably you both have access to joint account information).
posted by Jacqueline at 1:53 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


As the comments attest, gift giving is a really loaded activity.

We have started giving each other "experience based gifts", which means the giver figures something out to do and we do that. It could be a weekend in the city, it could be a particular hike followed by a particular restaurant or drinking beers sitting on a rock or whatever, but the goal is to create a memory.

People give gifts to be intimate. It's not like buying a fridge. That's why the guy above's girlfriend cried when he told her he'd already bought the book she gave him. It's saying 'I know you, I like you, I think you should have this thing because of X.'

So I think you may want to rethink your view of gift-giving a bit.

And yeah, nthing the money pile-on.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:12 PM on March 12, 2010


I came in here to say I am one of those weird people who never really believes in the idea of "our money" so I am a little more sympathetic to your situation than some. Personally, if I were your wife, I would not expect to make 50% of the purchasing decisions if I brought in 2% of the money, but that would change if I couldn't generate income for the relationship because I cared for the children full time.

There are different ways of managing money other than saying it's all "our money" and all purchases have to be jointly agreed on. I use a different system in my relationship and it works great for me and my partner, and we never fight about money. You could do separate accounts set up with automatic transfers so that there is some "his money" and "her money" that doesn't need to undergo budgetary review. You could do it in cash in envelopes, you could say whatever amount after X for necessities in the account goes into a "fun money" savings account that you are both allowed to raid for gifts. You just need a plan that you came up with together and agree on. That plan needs her input, but she has to stick to it, and maybe she doesn't get completely free reign if she's not generating income for your household, but you don't get veto power just because the paycheck has your name, either.

The real fight here is that she wants to buy gifts and you want a new refrigerator, and you don't have a plan that allows money for both without anyone feeling hurt or taken advantage of.
posted by slow graffiti at 2:21 PM on March 12, 2010


REI has a lax return policy--you could wear it once for your wife, then return it and keep the money; she doesn't need to know. If she asks about it, tell her it's too warm to wear it, and by next winter she will have forgotten about it.

But my guess is that this won't really work for you, because your issue isn't really about the waste of money at all, it's just a way to express your feelings in a way that you think is semi-valid, or at least comprehensible. The correct response is not to call you an asshole and tell you to suck it up, since sucking it up is precisely what causes people to deal with their feeling in dysfunctional ways. If you cover up your hurt, it will come out anyway.

There are probably some legitimate issues around money, but not the intuitive one where the high-earning spouse feels entitled to the money. On the contrary, the high-earner is scared of looking entitled or controlling, so he or she avoids having any conversations about money, gives the low-earner a lot of control and leeway beyond what they are really comfortable with, and this builds up until the high-earner explodes with an excessive, dysfunctional demand: "But it's my money!" -- the return of the repressed. In other words, this excessive demand is a symptom of it's opposite, the high-earner is effectively (self-)excluded from participating as an equal in the conversation.

The other issue here is that you explicitly asked her not to buy you clothes, but she bought you this expensive jacket that you don't need. The problem here is that this registers as "she did something nice for you" even though she basically ignored you. How is that possible? Couldn't she do this over and over again, totally ignore you and then turn around and say "But I do so much for you!" (This happens to women all the time: a guy who wants to date them does some grand gesture that they never asked for and doesn't take their wishes into account, and then she is made to feel guilty, like she owes him something. Seeming nice is not the same as being nice, and saying "But his intentions are good!" is the wrong answer.)

A lot of niceness is staged, almost as if there is kind of a virtual audience who is watching your wife giving you the gift; for example, the MeFi audience. The fact that the gift is not really sincere is not a big problem, lots of human interactions are insincere: you say good morning automatically, without really meaning it; you don't say anything when someone farts even though both you and they know you heard it; gifts are given that no-one really wants. So why are you feeling angry about her insincerity? One possibility I would look for intimacy issues: this upsets you because you feel that she is treating you like a stranger, and she's just going through the motions of having a relationship. The jacket itself is a minor issue -- really, it's just a tangible symbol of what is really going on in your relationship. Her ignoring or being oblivious to your desire for her not to buy you clothes is emblematic of a larger pattern that you perceive.
posted by AlsoMike at 3:10 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think that's really annoying! I am a minimalist and really dislike waste and I would be really annoyed if someone bought me something I didn't want, especially after I asked them not to! Who paid for it is irrelevant.

Return it immediately and tell her you really mean it, you don't like stuff like that. And if this is her way of saying she doesn't like the jacket you wear now, tell her it's your body and you can wear whatever you want.

I don't see it as at all innocuous. It's insulting and annoying.
posted by MiffyCLB at 4:36 PM on March 12, 2010


If I was married and took the time to buy a gift, I would be a million times more insulted and hurt if it was worn once and returned behind my back. If you have an issue with the money, confront it calmly in the present. Whatever the problem is, that is not going to be a solution.
posted by gjc at 5:11 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


If she asks about it, tell her it's too warm to wear it, and by next winter she will have forgotten about it.

Women do NOT forget. But that's besides the point. As someone said, everything that is >$100 that is not a necessity should be discussed. Unnecessary (and unwanted) gifts are... unnecessary. If it's a one time thing then just let it go, you will end up wearing the jacket several times to make the purchase worth it, so try not to feel bitter about it. If it happens more frequently, have a discussion, but don't say it's money that *you* make, just point out that you would rather save for a new fridge/car/vacation/whatever and it would make both of your lives better, so you'd much rather not have more stuff in the meantime.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:18 PM on March 12, 2010


If I was married and took the time to buy a gift, I would be a million times more insulted and hurt if it was worn once and returned behind my back.

Right now the most favorited advice is to not only conceal his real reaction, but to make her day by inventing a sentimental emotion ("every time I wear it, it's like you're giving me a hug"). I don't think that's a great idea, my point is that if you do believe in lying to make someone feel good, then why not lie to get back $175? That sounds fair, and if lying is OK, then that's a win-win. There's a risk that she might find out, but isn't there a bigger risk that she'll see through his pretend emotion?

Alternatively, maybe lying is not what is being suggested, maybe they're just saying "Your feelings are wrong and bad, here's the correct feeling." This isn't advice, it's just telling him he's a bad person.
posted by AlsoMike at 8:43 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Disclaimer: I am not a marriage = shared money kind of person.

But I think it's extremely illogical that people are saying if you do have that kind of marriage, than you have no say over what she buys, and she bought the coat out of her own money. That just doesn't make sense.

If all the money belongs to both of you, then you guys both have equal say over every one of the purchasing decisions. So, I think if you guys came up with an arrangement where every purchase over $50 or $25 (or whatever) had to be discussed/agreed upon by both of you, that would be a lot more fair. That would apply to all the purchases you personally make, too.

If you don't want to go quite that far, but you still subscribe to the marriage = shared money view, I think it would also be fair for you two to decide upon a certain equal amount of money which you could spend as frivolously (or not) as you want with no input from the other person at all.

Either way though, you guys need to work this out and come to an agreement, instead of fighting after something has already been bought.

Once you have that nailed down, I think you will resent it a lot less if she gives you really wasteful gifts. I do sympathize with you there because I am frugal almost to a compulsion and waste really bothers me-- but I think it's really rude and hurtful to reject/be ungrateful for a gift from a loved one, if they really were just trying to make you happy. So, I think you just need to let this particular instance go, and deal with the underlying issues separately.

(Side note: if you think she's not getting you the clothes just to make you happy, but rather as a passive-aggressive hint, or because she has a shopping addiction, or because she'd like you to get her clothes, or something else, that's its own issue to deal with separately and at a different time, also).

Last thing- although Miss Manners would disagree with me, I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping for a gift you need/want, if you know someone's going to be giving you a gift anyway no matter what you do. I bet the majority of people in this thread registered for gifts when they got married, for that very reason. So, I think you did everything right by making lists for each other of the sorts of gifts you'd want. I think the only thing you can do is ask her, in a non-accusatory way, and not related to any discussion about this coat, how she feels about getting you gifts off your list, if she has any feelings about it make her not want to do it, and why she feels that way.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:19 PM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


interesting thread. i'll keep this whole "being married = sharing money" thing in mind if i ever get married.
posted by crystalsparks at 3:42 PM on March 14, 2010


Buddy, you're being an asshole.

Your immediate reaction should have been: "Baby, I love the coat! You're so thoughtful and sweet, I'll wear it all the time!"

In the future, if you want something, preempt her: "Check out this fridge girl, five hundred bucks, it's just what we need, let's save for that sucker."

>> you don't look as good in what you're currently wearing as you think you do.
not a big concern of mine.


That's a fairly jerkish comment as well. It doesn't matter what is or is not a "big concern" of yours - your loving, thoughtful, devoted wife obviously thinks different. She's the one who has to be seen with you. Dressing like a schlub is bachelor bullshit and has no place in a marriage, unless you're bumming around the house.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:00 PM on March 14, 2010


This is a tough one. First, you may not want to admit it, but you may not be the most stylish person, so if this jacket is sleek and presentable, you may want to keep it. Second, her feelings are more important than $175.
If it is still a problem, sit her down and go over the finances with her. Once she sees the state that you are both in, she may be less likely to spend so much on a jacket even if you need it.
posted by MEOW at 10:09 PM on March 14, 2010


Response by poster: >>you may not want you may not be the most stylish person,
I admit it, it doesn't concern me.

>>"Baby, I love the coat! You're so thoughtful and sweet, I'll wear it all the time!"
That was my reaction to her, but not on the inside

I've kept the coat and where it all the time. It is really nice
posted by allelopath at 12:58 PM on April 12, 2010


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