Bipolar g/f wants space. How to handle?
March 11, 2010 4:01 AM Subscribe
My bipolar girlfriend of two years has just asked for distance. Two weeks before we were talking marriage, kids and moving in together! But it seemed she had an 'episode' and suddenly she decided I hadn't been loving enough and there was something 'missing'. She hasn't see her psych for 6 months and I fear her body may have gotten used to the meds. How should I handle this?
I realised she didn’t have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist – she became much better – all with good results and on new meds (lithium and another one – sorry – cant remember). Subsequently we fell back into a great and loving relationship.
As I’m sure you know too well – there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not ‘right’ as such and sometimes – as she put it – her brain ‘wasn’t right’. During this period she would start to question many things in her life – sometimes including me – however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.
Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She had a lot of triggers suddenly kicking in and she kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her ‘head would stop’, that she ‘hates this feeling’ and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now – is not a good sign…
Two days later – more questions regarding our relationship – again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn’t good again – I asked if she had seen her psychiatrist lately – and she said ‘no – it’s been about six months!!’ I asked her to book in – which she later told me she didn’t…
That night she didn’t want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.
The next night I went and saw her and again – she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide 10 years ago – although she told me she’d never do that again.
Again – she was banging her head – and shaking it – saying she ‘had all these thoughts trying to get to the front’.
She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn’t want to see me that morning – but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn’t been to sleep – went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she ‘needed to think’. She was clearly in some kind of ‘psychotic episode’ or ‘mania’ but refused to go to hospital or see anyone.
When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break – and that she ‘needed space’. She also said she loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me anymore even though we were discussing marriage / kids two days before! She’s also continually bringing up that I don’t love her or find her attractive anymore etc.
We discussed all this calmly but she said she ‘wished her head would stop’ and I asked her to please see her psychiatrist again.
I ‘did’ give her this space and had no contact for a week and a half (I knew she was going to work during this time – but then she puts on a convincing ‘mask’). Out of the blue she rang me to see if I was ‘OK’. She seemed sheepish / nervous – she said she still hasn’t seen her psych but said she knows she has to, to get her meds changed etc. I kept the chat nice and light, no relationship talk, and we sort of left it at ‘well call me if you want to chat.
I rang her yesterday and she was more hostile - and didn't like me bringing up her bipolar at all - and she still hasn't see her psych. Is it possible she's still in some kind of 'cycle'? Help!!
I realised she didn’t have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist – she became much better – all with good results and on new meds (lithium and another one – sorry – cant remember). Subsequently we fell back into a great and loving relationship.
As I’m sure you know too well – there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not ‘right’ as such and sometimes – as she put it – her brain ‘wasn’t right’. During this period she would start to question many things in her life – sometimes including me – however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.
Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She had a lot of triggers suddenly kicking in and she kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her ‘head would stop’, that she ‘hates this feeling’ and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now – is not a good sign…
Two days later – more questions regarding our relationship – again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn’t good again – I asked if she had seen her psychiatrist lately – and she said ‘no – it’s been about six months!!’ I asked her to book in – which she later told me she didn’t…
That night she didn’t want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.
The next night I went and saw her and again – she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide 10 years ago – although she told me she’d never do that again.
Again – she was banging her head – and shaking it – saying she ‘had all these thoughts trying to get to the front’.
She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn’t want to see me that morning – but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn’t been to sleep – went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she ‘needed to think’. She was clearly in some kind of ‘psychotic episode’ or ‘mania’ but refused to go to hospital or see anyone.
When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break – and that she ‘needed space’. She also said she loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me anymore even though we were discussing marriage / kids two days before! She’s also continually bringing up that I don’t love her or find her attractive anymore etc.
We discussed all this calmly but she said she ‘wished her head would stop’ and I asked her to please see her psychiatrist again.
I ‘did’ give her this space and had no contact for a week and a half (I knew she was going to work during this time – but then she puts on a convincing ‘mask’). Out of the blue she rang me to see if I was ‘OK’. She seemed sheepish / nervous – she said she still hasn’t seen her psych but said she knows she has to, to get her meds changed etc. I kept the chat nice and light, no relationship talk, and we sort of left it at ‘well call me if you want to chat.
I rang her yesterday and she was more hostile - and didn't like me bringing up her bipolar at all - and she still hasn't see her psych. Is it possible she's still in some kind of 'cycle'? Help!!
It may be that she can't get in to see her doc.
She has to be responsible for her disease. I'd continue to give her space, keep it light and reassure her you love her (of course assuming this is so.)
And do take it slow with the relationship. Being with a bipolar is not easy.She'd be the first to tell you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:17 AM on March 11, 2010
She has to be responsible for her disease. I'd continue to give her space, keep it light and reassure her you love her (of course assuming this is so.)
And do take it slow with the relationship. Being with a bipolar is not easy.She'd be the first to tell you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:17 AM on March 11, 2010
Embrangled's advice is likely to backfire, btw. She knows what she needs to do, and unfortunately you can't force her to do it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:18 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:18 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
She may not be capable of doing what she needs to do. The OP isn't obligated to help her get treatment, but if he doesn't, the likely consequence is that she will become even more unwell.
posted by embrangled at 4:20 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by embrangled at 4:20 AM on March 11, 2010
embrangled, it really wouldn't matter if she was flat out psychotic (which in this case, she isn't not by a long shot) because even then, the way things are set up-HE doesn't have any rights to force her into treatment. That's just how it works. If she has family members they might have better success, but still-unless she is an imminent harm to others or herself, there's NO forcing.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:39 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:39 AM on March 11, 2010
I'd reach out to her family and other loved ones and tell them what you've told us. While she may not listen to any of you about seeing her doctor, at least then there will be more eyes on the situation to notice and step in should she show signs of being a danger to herself or others.
But until she is, she is the only person who can make her go to see her psychiatrist.
Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 4:45 AM on March 11, 2010
But until she is, she is the only person who can make her go to see her psychiatrist.
Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 4:45 AM on March 11, 2010
How should I handle this?
Her health is her own affair and she needs to take responsibility for it. If she doesn't, that's no reflection on you or anything you did or didn't do.
If it becomes too painful to see her spiraling out of control, you are well within your rights to indicate you won't see her again until she gets help.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:07 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Her health is her own affair and she needs to take responsibility for it. If she doesn't, that's no reflection on you or anything you did or didn't do.
If it becomes too painful to see her spiraling out of control, you are well within your rights to indicate you won't see her again until she gets help.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:07 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
In the long run, I don't find your hopes for a successful long term relationship promising. But, on the other hand, if you stay present and she doesn't completely break down, she will likely come back around in the next cycle or if/when she stabilizes again.
. Are you sure she is taking her meds properly? I suspect that she isn't. If you can do it, without making a scene, then you might check those. If she hasn't seen the psych in 6 months she probably has run out.
Also when I say stay present, that means don't mention relationship, you are a friend. Perhaps you can help her get her house in order.
You can contact her psychiatrist and outline the problems, he won't be able to give you any information regarding your girlfriend, but he will be able to give you advice.
Its going to be a rough road, just be prepared for it
posted by psycho-alchemy at 5:07 AM on March 11, 2010
. Are you sure she is taking her meds properly? I suspect that she isn't. If you can do it, without making a scene, then you might check those. If she hasn't seen the psych in 6 months she probably has run out.
Also when I say stay present, that means don't mention relationship, you are a friend. Perhaps you can help her get her house in order.
You can contact her psychiatrist and outline the problems, he won't be able to give you any information regarding your girlfriend, but he will be able to give you advice.
Its going to be a rough road, just be prepared for it
posted by psycho-alchemy at 5:07 AM on March 11, 2010
Dealing with a bipolar SO when they get like this is rough, I've been there. When they don't have there emotions in check, the fact that you care about them makes it so you're dragged along a roller-coaster of pain. For me, it eventually came to the point where I had to detach myself to save my sanity.... not because I didn't love him -I still love him- but because it was getting to the point where his emotions started to make me feel almost bipolar myself. This stuff hurts. You really have to decide it's worth it in the long run.
I suggest you make it clear to her what you want from her- to regularly see her psych, get her meds in check, whatever. Then, give her space and let her come to you when she's sorted it all out. She has to decide what she wants, at this point it's up to her.
posted by pyrom at 5:40 AM on March 11, 2010
I suggest you make it clear to her what you want from her- to regularly see her psych, get her meds in check, whatever. Then, give her space and let her come to you when she's sorted it all out. She has to decide what she wants, at this point it's up to her.
posted by pyrom at 5:40 AM on March 11, 2010
Call her psychiatrist.
posted by Shepherd at 5:42 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Shepherd at 5:42 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding Brandon Blatcher.
If she can't/won't take care of herself, there's a limit to what you can do. You are not the white knight; you are just a human being. If that means it's done...so be it.
posted by stevis23 at 5:47 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If she can't/won't take care of herself, there's a limit to what you can do. You are not the white knight; you are just a human being. If that means it's done...so be it.
posted by stevis23 at 5:47 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you do get back together, put the talk of marriage/kids (sorry, kind of disturbed that you were talking about that when her behavior was so erratic) on the way, way back burner. Child-rearing is a huge emotionally and physically demanding commitment, and she can't take a long break from kids the way she can from other relationships/jobs/basically anything else in life. Also consider the possibility that she may never be in a place where marriage/kids are a responsible choice, and make any decisions about your future together based on that possibility, too.
posted by palliser at 5:48 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by palliser at 5:48 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
This may be the worst answer ever, and I invite other posters to refute it... but I think if I were in this situation (with a partner of two years) and I witnessed this kind of unstable behavior, I would be on the phone with their psychiatrist at the very least informing them of the situation, and getting any kind of advice I could on how to handle it. She seems very unwell and not able to take care of herself.
How close are you with her family? Could you give them a call and mention your concerns? They may have a different kind of influence.
posted by amicamentis at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2010
How close are you with her family? Could you give them a call and mention your concerns? They may have a different kind of influence.
posted by amicamentis at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2010
I doubt you are the only one who knows her situation, so don't think you must surprise anyone with this info. Tell her family or not, good reasons to do either.
Tell them what? 'I wish things could have been different but I'm getting my stuff and leaving. This isn't asking for space or a temporary shift - our relationship is over. I have every good wish for her and her but do not ask me for any help in the future. She will find someone wonderful when she gets herself together. Goodbye.'
Then you go figure out what kept you from doing that two years ago. It might be something positive, or both healthy and unhealthy choices on your part. From now on, during the get to know you phase of dating, ask about meds and mental health. Where you made healthy choices, keep doing that. Where you made unhealthy choices, do not do that again.
posted by eccnineten at 6:35 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell them what? 'I wish things could have been different but I'm getting my stuff and leaving. This isn't asking for space or a temporary shift - our relationship is over. I have every good wish for her and her but do not ask me for any help in the future. She will find someone wonderful when she gets herself together. Goodbye.'
Then you go figure out what kept you from doing that two years ago. It might be something positive, or both healthy and unhealthy choices on your part. From now on, during the get to know you phase of dating, ask about meds and mental health. Where you made healthy choices, keep doing that. Where you made unhealthy choices, do not do that again.
posted by eccnineten at 6:35 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
She's sick. Call her family, call her doctor. Tell them both you're worried about her. Work with both of them to make sure she's seen by her psychiatrist ASAP.
Most stats say that 20% of bipolar people go on to commit suicide. These are not numbers to fuck around with. And while the easy thing to do is walk away right now, as some advice here suggests, it isn't the right thing to do.
You may want to break up with her when she is well, but if you decide to stay with her, part 2 of this would be to build a 'mental health plan' for her for the future. This would be series of steps you put in place to deal with the next time she is sick - things like agreement that she will see a doctor when you ask, what people who will be contacted, agreement that you will take away her credit cards (if she's a manic spender), etc.
posted by jennyhead at 6:45 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Most stats say that 20% of bipolar people go on to commit suicide. These are not numbers to fuck around with. And while the easy thing to do is walk away right now, as some advice here suggests, it isn't the right thing to do.
You may want to break up with her when she is well, but if you decide to stay with her, part 2 of this would be to build a 'mental health plan' for her for the future. This would be series of steps you put in place to deal with the next time she is sick - things like agreement that she will see a doctor when you ask, what people who will be contacted, agreement that you will take away her credit cards (if she's a manic spender), etc.
posted by jennyhead at 6:45 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
You are going to need to get her treatment. Inpatient treatment. And then you are going to have to evaluate what you want. Talk to a lot of good close friends and see what they say about what you need to do next.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:32 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 7:32 AM on March 11, 2010
Sadly, at the end of the day you can’t make someone get treatment. Unless she is saying she is going to kill herself or someone else, no one else can make her get treatment either. Let her know you are there to support her, you can offer to take her for help, but in the end it is her choice.
Calling her doctor will not get you very far I’m afraid. Due to HIPPA laws, most doctors won’t even talk to a patient’s spouse let alone significant other. If they take your call, you can let the doctor know you have concerns and I suppose s/he could contact your SO, but even then the doctor can’t make her come in. It’s one of the tricky things about mental health services.
What you can do is get involved with a NAMI class where you can learn more about how to positively support someone with bi-polar disorder. You might benefit from having support from other individuals who have loved ones with bi-polar disorder too. You’ll also learn how to take care of yourself since this is probably taking a toll on your mental health. Be well.
posted by Palmcorder Yajna at 8:32 AM on March 11, 2010
Calling her doctor will not get you very far I’m afraid. Due to HIPPA laws, most doctors won’t even talk to a patient’s spouse let alone significant other. If they take your call, you can let the doctor know you have concerns and I suppose s/he could contact your SO, but even then the doctor can’t make her come in. It’s one of the tricky things about mental health services.
What you can do is get involved with a NAMI class where you can learn more about how to positively support someone with bi-polar disorder. You might benefit from having support from other individuals who have loved ones with bi-polar disorder too. You’ll also learn how to take care of yourself since this is probably taking a toll on your mental health. Be well.
posted by Palmcorder Yajna at 8:32 AM on March 11, 2010
You sound like you are feeling scared and confused by how she is acting at the moment. I have been in your position and know the feeling. My wife of 10 years has BP, we have been through the ups and downs of the disorder. The best thing you could do right now if she is feeling funny and does not like the thoughts that are running through her head is to try to convince her to go to the emergancy room at the hospital. I say try because she is probably not thinking clearlyand may disagree with you. You cannot force her to go, trying to push the issue will make her more resistant to any suggestions you have. She has to feel that she needs the help, she needs to feel that you are there for her and not agianst her. Does she trust you? Does she feel that you are there for her?
The reason that I ask those questions is not to make you feel bad or question the relationship. I ask these questions becuase that is what she needs to feel in order for you to get her help. With my wife, at this point, I can tell when she is slipping and she trusts my judgement on what to do. Trust and honesty are your best friends in this situation. I would talk to her as her friend, describe what you have seen and felt (in the kindest words possible) and ask her if you can take her to the hospital.
I would also add that you really need to take a long, hard look at the relationship and see if this is what you want in life. BP takes a toll on relationships, it wears both people out. You have to love your partner very deeply, you need to be able to detach yourself from things that they may do or say. Read up on BP, visit some forums on BP and read the horror stories that are written there. After you have done that and still feel you are capable of providing the sort of care and can take the emotional strain, continue the relationship. I love my wife to hell, but here BP has made our life a living hell at times. Memail me if you want.
Good Luck!
posted by ionized at 8:50 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
The reason that I ask those questions is not to make you feel bad or question the relationship. I ask these questions becuase that is what she needs to feel in order for you to get her help. With my wife, at this point, I can tell when she is slipping and she trusts my judgement on what to do. Trust and honesty are your best friends in this situation. I would talk to her as her friend, describe what you have seen and felt (in the kindest words possible) and ask her if you can take her to the hospital.
I would also add that you really need to take a long, hard look at the relationship and see if this is what you want in life. BP takes a toll on relationships, it wears both people out. You have to love your partner very deeply, you need to be able to detach yourself from things that they may do or say. Read up on BP, visit some forums on BP and read the horror stories that are written there. After you have done that and still feel you are capable of providing the sort of care and can take the emotional strain, continue the relationship. I love my wife to hell, but here BP has made our life a living hell at times. Memail me if you want.
Good Luck!
posted by ionized at 8:50 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
You - and others - may hate me for saying this. Go ahead. However, as an outside observer, my point to you is: this is a small preview of the future - one day you are discussing marriage and kids, and the next "get away from me". If I were you - and I am not - the last thing I'd contemplate is marriage and kids with this person. Even if you don't care about yourself, kids need stability, and raging BP is not conducive to a stable environment. If she's avoiding treatment today, what makes you think she won't in the future? I say you are lucky you can still walk away - once you are married with kids, things are infinitely more complicated. It is one thing to stay with someone you love if they have cancer or some kind of fatal disease - I'd do that in a heartbeat, regardless of what the future holds. But this is a situation where the person you love isn't really there, but a Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde and perhaps one day only Mr. Hyde. Think carefully about the future. As an outside observer my advice would be to try to get her help as a friend, but not as a partner - the partner bit is over. And you should put a limit on how long you are willing to have this upheaval in your life, then it's time to move on. I know it sucks, and our instinct is to always think there must be a solution, but sometimes you come across insoluble problems and you must find a way to accept that.
posted by VikingSword at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by VikingSword at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2010
This sounds to me like a clear evolution heading toward "5150" territory. Get help from doctors/family/etc. and intervene.
posted by Citrus at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by Citrus at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2010
Response by poster: This is a tough one - thankyou all so much for your responses.
Unfortunately none of her friends are aware how bad her bipolar is - nor her family - which makes me the ONLY one - great!!
In Australia - you can't just ring up a psych or doctor about a patient - it's all confidential - which makes things very difficult - I tried but believe me - I got NOWHERE.
We had a chat on the phone yesterday - said she still hasn't seen her psych but is 'planning' to. She even claimed the episode wasn't 'that bad' or an 'emergency situation' -and when I tried to tell her otherwise - she would have none of it. (Even though during this episode she was talking about suicide and telling me she didn't care about her cat anymore - who she LOVES)
She asked why, when I stayed over at her place did I 'go through her phone'. I told her this simply wasn't true and I NEVER did that. So there is still some paranoia there. How long can these cycles last untreated?
Later that evening I got an email from her accusing me of turning the situation back onto her and her bipolar. Now I don't even know how to respond to this email - if at all...do I just tell her I'm here if she wants to talk - I think that's all I can do.
Life is shitty at the moment - but I guess it's worse for her.
Scott
posted by scottpatterson at 12:05 PM on March 11, 2010
Unfortunately none of her friends are aware how bad her bipolar is - nor her family - which makes me the ONLY one - great!!
In Australia - you can't just ring up a psych or doctor about a patient - it's all confidential - which makes things very difficult - I tried but believe me - I got NOWHERE.
We had a chat on the phone yesterday - said she still hasn't seen her psych but is 'planning' to. She even claimed the episode wasn't 'that bad' or an 'emergency situation' -and when I tried to tell her otherwise - she would have none of it. (Even though during this episode she was talking about suicide and telling me she didn't care about her cat anymore - who she LOVES)
She asked why, when I stayed over at her place did I 'go through her phone'. I told her this simply wasn't true and I NEVER did that. So there is still some paranoia there. How long can these cycles last untreated?
Later that evening I got an email from her accusing me of turning the situation back onto her and her bipolar. Now I don't even know how to respond to this email - if at all...do I just tell her I'm here if she wants to talk - I think that's all I can do.
Life is shitty at the moment - but I guess it's worse for her.
Scott
posted by scottpatterson at 12:05 PM on March 11, 2010
My wife has bipolar. Your gf has to take responsibility for her illness or not. If she refuses to seek treatment, there is nothing you can do other than walk away. Crappy, but true. You can even use that as a bargaining chip to push her to a more sensible place. Or you can try to get an intervention together. She needs regularly psychiatric exposure at least, and possibly medication, but it's ultimately up to her to do the right thing. You can bring the horse to water, but can't make it drink kind of thing.
posted by kryptonik at 1:26 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kryptonik at 1:26 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
kryptonik is correct. It is up to her to get help and try to control the cycles. You get to sit there and watch or walk away. You are in the position to do either one at the moment seeing as your not married yet. Cycles vary in length, my wife took two years to get the correct amount of drugs to control her swings. This might not be a road you want to go down, I know I would not recommend it. It really depends on how hard you are willing to work with her, at the moment it sounds as if she does not trust you so you get to be a bystander(it hurts). Just a side note that during my first year of marriage my wife accused me of cheating on her because of spam email (the kind that reads as an invitation to join some dating site). She left for a week until a friend convinced her it was spam, she was on a manic cycle and the doc had to adjust her meds. Ohhhhhhh the fun. Good luck, I hope she comes around.
posted by ionized at 1:43 PM on March 11, 2010
posted by ionized at 1:43 PM on March 11, 2010
I've thought about this.
Tell her that if she wants to continue any sort of relationship with you, that she has to talk to her shrink first. Period.
Stick to that.
She will either be responsible or not. If she's not, take care of yourself.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:59 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell her that if she wants to continue any sort of relationship with you, that she has to talk to her shrink first. Period.
Stick to that.
She will either be responsible or not. If she's not, take care of yourself.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:59 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Every Australian state has mental health crisis teams who exist solely to visit and assess people experiencing acute episodes of mental illness. You can call their triage lines 24 hours a day. For example:
Brisbane: 1300 858 998
Sydney: 1800 636 825
Melbourne: 1300 558 862
If you're not in one of these areas, search for 'mental health crisis team' and the name of your city. Or call your local hospital and ask to be put through to mental health triage. You can find more contact numbers for services at beyondblue.
A mental health crisis team can't necessarily compel your girlfriend to receive treatment. Neither can you. She has rights, and depending on the severity of her illness, one of those rights may be the right to refuse care. But if you love her and want her to get well, bringing the treatment to her may be more effective than waiting for her to seek it out herself.
She has to be responsible for her disease...
Your gf has to take responsibility for her illness or not...
It is up to her to get help and try to control the cycles...
All of this is absolutely true over the long term. It her responsibility to develop a mental health care plan while she's well, and stick to it when she's not. You would be wise to leave her if she refuses to do this. But a person in the acute stage of a mental illness is not going to be good at taking responsibility for anything, let alone recognising that they need treatment and actively seeking out services. If the goal here is for your girlfriend to get well and for you to possibly stay together, you need use all your powers of persuasion to get her under the care of a mental health professional.
posted by embrangled at 5:14 AM on March 12, 2010
Brisbane: 1300 858 998
Sydney: 1800 636 825
Melbourne: 1300 558 862
If you're not in one of these areas, search for 'mental health crisis team' and the name of your city. Or call your local hospital and ask to be put through to mental health triage. You can find more contact numbers for services at beyondblue.
A mental health crisis team can't necessarily compel your girlfriend to receive treatment. Neither can you. She has rights, and depending on the severity of her illness, one of those rights may be the right to refuse care. But if you love her and want her to get well, bringing the treatment to her may be more effective than waiting for her to seek it out herself.
She has to be responsible for her disease...
Your gf has to take responsibility for her illness or not...
It is up to her to get help and try to control the cycles...
All of this is absolutely true over the long term. It her responsibility to develop a mental health care plan while she's well, and stick to it when she's not. You would be wise to leave her if she refuses to do this. But a person in the acute stage of a mental illness is not going to be good at taking responsibility for anything, let alone recognising that they need treatment and actively seeking out services. If the goal here is for your girlfriend to get well and for you to possibly stay together, you need use all your powers of persuasion to get her under the care of a mental health professional.
posted by embrangled at 5:14 AM on March 12, 2010
Just a quick comment (I used to work in a psychiatric hospital and worked alongside many family members to compel people struggling with various mental disorders to accept treatment) - when talking to youf gf about calling her psychistrist, keep it simple: it's about helping her get her head clear, not anything else (i.e., her behaviors, thoughts, resolutions). In this way, you side with her against her symptoms. Also, I'd suggest having her call her psychistrist (or make an appointment to see him/her) immediately after she agrees to do do, with you present, trying to be as nonconfrontational as possible ("Let's just make the call now so we can start moving toward clearer thinking," or whatever). This is very challenging, especially if you are alone in comprehending the depth of her illness. Making a few appointments to speak with a therapist knowledgeable about chronic mental illnesses may help you manage strategies, boundaries, and expectations. Very best of luck.
posted by dreamphone at 2:22 AM on March 13, 2010
posted by dreamphone at 2:22 AM on March 13, 2010
Response by poster: Hi everyone
I just wanted to give you an update on my situation:
My g/friend had an episode and wanted a break from the relationship (the longer story is up the top) - she had some big triggers, on her meds but had not seen her pdoc in 6 months.
After my last call with my g/friend - she was - as I mentioned - quite annoyed - then she sent me an email later that night:
I know you think I am going through an 'episode', but I want you to respect what is going through my mind all the same. This seems to be my pattern. I don't know why. But I need to go away and figure some things out. And I know you don't think that you do, but as much as my opinion counts, I think you do. Are you thinking this is part of my bipolar behaviour? If it is, it is, but that is me.Please forgive me for writing my thoughts to you, but I'm not strong when you turn it all around, and the conversation becomes all about my bipolar.
I responded to this email apologising for bringing up her bipolar and that she got that impression. Note to self: when she may still be going through an episode - don't bring up the bipolar!!
Two weeks without contact and she rang me out of the blue yesterday. She had misplaced her house keys - asking if I'd drop over my spare ones in her letterbox. We had a good chat catching up on friends - I kept everything nice and light - she said she was 'OK' but she volunteered (without me asking) that she had been back seeing her pdoc lately - which I told her was great. And we left it at let's catch up for a coffee sometime.
I was so pleased she had finally been seeing her pdoc!
Then she sent me a message later that night - ending it with a kiss. Bizarre - this was how we used to finish all our messages.
I haven't sent her a text back yet though - because I don't know what to do! Again I don't know how to handle this 'space' thing!! But with her making contact - and volunteering that she's gone back to her pdoc - does this mean she could be opening up more?
Thanks for your help, Scott
posted by scottpatterson at 10:07 PM on March 30, 2010
I just wanted to give you an update on my situation:
My g/friend had an episode and wanted a break from the relationship (the longer story is up the top) - she had some big triggers, on her meds but had not seen her pdoc in 6 months.
After my last call with my g/friend - she was - as I mentioned - quite annoyed - then she sent me an email later that night:
I know you think I am going through an 'episode', but I want you to respect what is going through my mind all the same. This seems to be my pattern. I don't know why. But I need to go away and figure some things out. And I know you don't think that you do, but as much as my opinion counts, I think you do. Are you thinking this is part of my bipolar behaviour? If it is, it is, but that is me.Please forgive me for writing my thoughts to you, but I'm not strong when you turn it all around, and the conversation becomes all about my bipolar.
I responded to this email apologising for bringing up her bipolar and that she got that impression. Note to self: when she may still be going through an episode - don't bring up the bipolar!!
Two weeks without contact and she rang me out of the blue yesterday. She had misplaced her house keys - asking if I'd drop over my spare ones in her letterbox. We had a good chat catching up on friends - I kept everything nice and light - she said she was 'OK' but she volunteered (without me asking) that she had been back seeing her pdoc lately - which I told her was great. And we left it at let's catch up for a coffee sometime.
I was so pleased she had finally been seeing her pdoc!
Then she sent me a message later that night - ending it with a kiss. Bizarre - this was how we used to finish all our messages.
I haven't sent her a text back yet though - because I don't know what to do! Again I don't know how to handle this 'space' thing!! But with her making contact - and volunteering that she's gone back to her pdoc - does this mean she could be opening up more?
Thanks for your help, Scott
posted by scottpatterson at 10:07 PM on March 30, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by embrangled at 4:14 AM on March 11, 2010