How do deal with a (real) crazy ex
March 9, 2010 7:35 PM Subscribe
How to deal with a crazy ex...she's not interested in a solution, she's interested in a fight..I can't afford the financial cost or the emotional cost...what do I do? I've agreed what she requested, but after I agreed, without being specific, she ignored me and said she wanted attorneys involved. I'm emotionally and financially exhausted....
This question is unanswerable as posed.
Give us more information.
posted by dfriedman at 7:40 PM on March 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Give us more information.
posted by dfriedman at 7:40 PM on March 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
a lesson i've learned a few times:
any amount of money is worth it to shorten your exposure to a toxic situation, especially where exes are concerned.
posted by nadawi at 7:50 PM on March 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
any amount of money is worth it to shorten your exposure to a toxic situation, especially where exes are concerned.
posted by nadawi at 7:50 PM on March 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Telling us which state or country you both reside would also help.
posted by spec80 at 7:55 PM on March 9, 2010
posted by spec80 at 7:55 PM on March 9, 2010
Assuming a lot here since your question lacks details:
There is not much you can do if she's got a lot of leverage over you. Her not cooperating may not be fair and it may be very hurtful to you and others.
If she is truly a mean person then you have to do everything you can not to allow her to oppress you. Do not allow her to hurt or take advantage of you.
You will never be able to deal with a truly mean and crazy person. Your only choice is to use attorneys; they may want your money but at least they are not trying to control and hurt you.
posted by Increase at 8:08 PM on March 9, 2010
There is not much you can do if she's got a lot of leverage over you. Her not cooperating may not be fair and it may be very hurtful to you and others.
If she is truly a mean person then you have to do everything you can not to allow her to oppress you. Do not allow her to hurt or take advantage of you.
You will never be able to deal with a truly mean and crazy person. Your only choice is to use attorneys; they may want your money but at least they are not trying to control and hurt you.
posted by Increase at 8:08 PM on March 9, 2010
Short answer: stay as far away from her as you are able to. I don't know what kids, property, pets, etc. may be involved, or why lawyers are needed, but the longer you engage her, the more you're going to end up in to arguments that won't help either of you. To rip off a Roger Ebert quote, don't let someone live in your head rent-free. This is worth losing furniture/pets (ouch)/random house crap over.
posted by Gilbert at 8:28 PM on March 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Gilbert at 8:28 PM on March 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
she's not interested in a solution, she's interested in a fight
If this is true, then she probably really doesn't want to do all the fighting through lawyers.
She wants to fight you.
She doesn't want to pay somebody to fight somebody your paying.
So find some way to pay someone to do your fighting. Or find someway to make her believe you are going to do this. (in hopes it drains the fight out of her)
And don't speak to her. At your attorney's (or your imaginary attorney's) advisement.
Cease. All. Contact.
No, not some. All.
(I'm assuming a lot based on limited information, but this description certainly sounds like it fits more than a couple situations where I've heard a lot more information and this solution, while not easy, was the best.)
Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:30 PM on March 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
If this is true, then she probably really doesn't want to do all the fighting through lawyers.
She wants to fight you.
She doesn't want to pay somebody to fight somebody your paying.
So find some way to pay someone to do your fighting. Or find someway to make her believe you are going to do this. (in hopes it drains the fight out of her)
And don't speak to her. At your attorney's (or your imaginary attorney's) advisement.
Cease. All. Contact.
No, not some. All.
(I'm assuming a lot based on limited information, but this description certainly sounds like it fits more than a couple situations where I've heard a lot more information and this solution, while not easy, was the best.)
Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:30 PM on March 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're in a bad spot - emotionally exhausted.
Take a deep breath and lawyer up. Hopefully the request and agreement were written down.
Also, take another deep breath. Would her (hypothetical) lawyers have anything on you? It could very well be an empty threat.
Remember to breath out.
I'm sorry - yeah, psycho ex-s are worse than psycho g/b-friends.
posted by porpoise at 8:36 PM on March 9, 2010
Take a deep breath and lawyer up. Hopefully the request and agreement were written down.
Also, take another deep breath. Would her (hypothetical) lawyers have anything on you? It could very well be an empty threat.
Remember to breath out.
I'm sorry - yeah, psycho ex-s are worse than psycho g/b-friends.
posted by porpoise at 8:36 PM on March 9, 2010
There is nothing worse than when someone won't take yes for an answer. If you have agreed to whatever she asked and then she said she wanted to lawyer up, tell her to have her lawyer contact you so you can give that person your lawyer's contact info. Take it out of her hands. Also, start to delay any response you give her. If she emails. don't answer for a day. If she calls, let the machine get it and call her back much later. Slowly work her out of your life. I disagree that cutting off all contact completely and immediately will help in this case. That will only serve to antagonize her. Cut her off slowly until you have turned it over to someone else.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:06 PM on March 9, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:06 PM on March 9, 2010
I was about to say what MCMikeNamara said. If she's interested in a fight, I would see if you can wear her down by finding someone to deescalate this situation for you. Try to send a clear signal that she won't be able to get to you or hurt you. They can shield you from the pain and the engagement. Just find someone to hold your ground without escalating and without backing down. It could potentially be a negotiator, financial planner, therapist, or other advocate of some sort. It could maybe even be your extremely level-headed friend. It may be easiest and most appropriate, but most expensive, to find a lawyer.
posted by salvia at 9:11 PM on March 9, 2010
posted by salvia at 9:11 PM on March 9, 2010
If the other side is lawyering up, you have little choice but to do the same or get taken advantage of by a professional. Get your own lawyer, then tell your ex that all contact now has to go through that channel.
posted by tyllwin at 9:14 PM on March 9, 2010
posted by tyllwin at 9:14 PM on March 9, 2010
You need a lawyer. If someone else hires one, you have to do so too. Otherwise you will not only lose on the law, but the relationships the other party's lawyer has with the machinery of justice in your locality will crush you. Find the money, from friends, family members, or banks. You cannot afford to lose in these circumstances.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:15 PM on March 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 10:15 PM on March 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
In reading your message I freaked out and thought you might be my ex: he thinks I'm crazy, but I'm not; he thought we didn't need attorney, but I hired one. You appear to be in the San Jose area, so you're not my ex (whew). but with what little detail you've given, I'll make a stab at responding.
Maybe your ex is more interested in protecting herself than fighting you. Does she have any reason to feel threatened by you or by what you want to take away from your relationship? My ex made off-hand comments that he shouldn't have to pay child support and how we should split custody 50/50 even though we live in different states. He also had a way of making me feel like an idiot. I knew he didn't want to involve lawyers, but I was afraid that unless I had someone to mediate and advocate on my behalf, I'd lose a lot more than my 10 year marriage.
posted by kbar1 at 11:10 PM on March 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Maybe your ex is more interested in protecting herself than fighting you. Does she have any reason to feel threatened by you or by what you want to take away from your relationship? My ex made off-hand comments that he shouldn't have to pay child support and how we should split custody 50/50 even though we live in different states. He also had a way of making me feel like an idiot. I knew he didn't want to involve lawyers, but I was afraid that unless I had someone to mediate and advocate on my behalf, I'd lose a lot more than my 10 year marriage.
posted by kbar1 at 11:10 PM on March 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
We're going to need a lot more details.
On the contrary, we need less detail and you need a lawyer.
posted by electroboy at 6:23 AM on March 10, 2010
On the contrary, we need less detail and you need a lawyer.
posted by electroboy at 6:23 AM on March 10, 2010
She's probably emotionally exhausted too, which is why she needs a lawyer to clarify things and to help her.
posted by anniecat at 7:07 AM on March 10, 2010
posted by anniecat at 7:07 AM on March 10, 2010
Lawyers are expensive, but there's a basic assumption that living in the US will require some hiring of lawyers. It can become a form of abuse, for which there is no protection. I have a friend whose ex- hired a marginally competent, very aggressive lawyer, and whose divorce was ruinously expensive. I'm sorry you have to go through this; it's not fair and it really sucks.
People want to fight when they're afraid, feel screwed, and/or are a little (or a lot) crazy. There have been a lot of ask.me posts about dealing w/people who have bipolar and borderline illnesses. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells is often recommended. It's on my To Be Read pile.
Your lawyer should speak/write for you, and should be dry, factual, precise and use as few words as possible, even if it means being repetitive. When the ex- gets no emotional response, the need to fight won't get fed, and ex- will have to seek fights elsewhere. If the ex- has reasonable issues, ex's lawyer and your lawyer should be able to recognize them as such, and respond accordingly.
My ex- thinks I'm crazy and abusive and recently, despite the fact that we used a mediator, and have been divorced over 10 years, brought up the divorce settlement, claiming that it was unfair. My mistake? Forgetting how horrid it is to engage my ex-, and doing something together to benefit our kid. Build yourself a mental bulletproof vest; if you have kids, you will be dealing with this for a long time.
posted by theora55 at 8:16 AM on March 10, 2010
People want to fight when they're afraid, feel screwed, and/or are a little (or a lot) crazy. There have been a lot of ask.me posts about dealing w/people who have bipolar and borderline illnesses. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells is often recommended. It's on my To Be Read pile.
Your lawyer should speak/write for you, and should be dry, factual, precise and use as few words as possible, even if it means being repetitive. When the ex- gets no emotional response, the need to fight won't get fed, and ex- will have to seek fights elsewhere. If the ex- has reasonable issues, ex's lawyer and your lawyer should be able to recognize them as such, and respond accordingly.
My ex- thinks I'm crazy and abusive and recently, despite the fact that we used a mediator, and have been divorced over 10 years, brought up the divorce settlement, claiming that it was unfair. My mistake? Forgetting how horrid it is to engage my ex-, and doing something together to benefit our kid. Build yourself a mental bulletproof vest; if you have kids, you will be dealing with this for a long time.
posted by theora55 at 8:16 AM on March 10, 2010
Basically, you need to minimize personal/direct contact as much as is remotely possible. We don't really have enough information to tell you how much is possible (and you may not have enough distance to evaluate it). In the extreme case, if you were just dating and have no shared property/kids, cut off contact entirely. Like, change your phone number etc. If you have some actual legal obligation, or she hires a lawyer (it sounds like one of these may be the case), get a lawyer, and communicate only through that lawyer.
Finally, if you do have some legal obligation, you may want to consider the possibility that it is not crazy from an objective perspective for her to lawyer up. In fact, from this quote: "I've agreed what she requested, but after I agreed, without being specific, she ignored me and said she wanted attorneys involved" it sounds almost like someone gave her the exact same advice I and a lot of other people in this thread are giving you...
posted by advil at 8:31 AM on March 10, 2010
Finally, if you do have some legal obligation, you may want to consider the possibility that it is not crazy from an objective perspective for her to lawyer up. In fact, from this quote: "I've agreed what she requested, but after I agreed, without being specific, she ignored me and said she wanted attorneys involved" it sounds almost like someone gave her the exact same advice I and a lot of other people in this thread are giving you...
posted by advil at 8:31 AM on March 10, 2010
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:39 PM on March 9, 2010 [6 favorites]