Do Not Hurry, Do Not Wait - What's the Waiting Period for Grief Taking Over Your Life?
March 3, 2010 12:58 PM Subscribe
In total grief mode after the recent death of a much loved family member. The standard advice is to take things slow for a period of time after that death, so that you can come to terms with what happened and re-group. What I'm finding is that besides just being sad over losing this person, I'm also having some of the usual "what's it all about?" and "if life can be cut short like that, how do I make the most of it."
Posting as an anon since some of this involves my work and I'd just rather be safe than sorry.
Just spent the past 18 months caring for a relative who meant the world to me. It started out as declining health and then transitioning eventually into hospice.
At the beginning, I was working for a company that I wasn't too crazy about and ended up moving back to look after said relative (actually moved in with them). I was also lucky enough to land a job closer to my family member, with a company that's very family friendly. The last 6-8 months of my relative's life was really difficult as they didn't want to die and I was taking care of them (we had a caregiver M-F) evenings and weekends. My employers were wonderful throughout the whole experience and gave me a lot of leeway in order to be there for my family.
In the months since the death (and getting through the service, obit writing, financial matters...), my work has slowed down a lot. We're like any other business facing tough times in a bad economy. The initial project I was hired under has run out of money and I'm finding myself spending a lot more time sitting on the figurative bench. And that's even after trying to market myself to other managers in the company and letting people know that I'm willing to pitch in and help with whatever.
The upshot is that I have A LOT more time on my hands to just think about what's happened over the past year - the death, my relationship w/this person and how it's impacted me. Now, some of that thinking is good and a natural part of the grief process. And in general, I do feel like I've been in and out of a fog after the death, so in some ways not being busy is for the best.
But as time goes on, I'm getting more stir crazy with my reduced work load. And getting told that there's the potential for layoffs because I was hired under a soon to be defunct project, does not help. I just want to be productive and be busy. Especially because one of the things you realize after caring for somebody who's died is that you've also lost your role/responsibility as a caregiver. I feel like I went from being somebody with a great deal of responsibility to somebody who's totally useless.
All of this is my round-about way of wondering what the waiting period is during grief to make major decisions, like starting to look for a new job. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern in this situation and it's making the grief experience a little more nuts. Plus I have all sorts of "what does this mean?" type questions that have come up from the experience and feeling "useless" just makes it worse. Like I have various vague anxiety dreams that I know are my way of worrying that my current work situation is somehow a waste of my time. And finally, since they were so nice to me during the past year, I feel like I somehow have to be loyal to these people.
Posting as an anon since some of this involves my work and I'd just rather be safe than sorry.
Just spent the past 18 months caring for a relative who meant the world to me. It started out as declining health and then transitioning eventually into hospice.
At the beginning, I was working for a company that I wasn't too crazy about and ended up moving back to look after said relative (actually moved in with them). I was also lucky enough to land a job closer to my family member, with a company that's very family friendly. The last 6-8 months of my relative's life was really difficult as they didn't want to die and I was taking care of them (we had a caregiver M-F) evenings and weekends. My employers were wonderful throughout the whole experience and gave me a lot of leeway in order to be there for my family.
In the months since the death (and getting through the service, obit writing, financial matters...), my work has slowed down a lot. We're like any other business facing tough times in a bad economy. The initial project I was hired under has run out of money and I'm finding myself spending a lot more time sitting on the figurative bench. And that's even after trying to market myself to other managers in the company and letting people know that I'm willing to pitch in and help with whatever.
The upshot is that I have A LOT more time on my hands to just think about what's happened over the past year - the death, my relationship w/this person and how it's impacted me. Now, some of that thinking is good and a natural part of the grief process. And in general, I do feel like I've been in and out of a fog after the death, so in some ways not being busy is for the best.
But as time goes on, I'm getting more stir crazy with my reduced work load. And getting told that there's the potential for layoffs because I was hired under a soon to be defunct project, does not help. I just want to be productive and be busy. Especially because one of the things you realize after caring for somebody who's died is that you've also lost your role/responsibility as a caregiver. I feel like I went from being somebody with a great deal of responsibility to somebody who's totally useless.
All of this is my round-about way of wondering what the waiting period is during grief to make major decisions, like starting to look for a new job. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern in this situation and it's making the grief experience a little more nuts. Plus I have all sorts of "what does this mean?" type questions that have come up from the experience and feeling "useless" just makes it worse. Like I have various vague anxiety dreams that I know are my way of worrying that my current work situation is somehow a waste of my time. And finally, since they were so nice to me during the past year, I feel like I somehow have to be loyal to these people.
what the waiting period
I think it's very short in your case. You've gone through a traumatic event and have changed as a person as a result. Even with the grief I think you've had a very rational and emotional realization of how short life is and have seen how your current job does not work with your new understanding of life.
posted by MillMan at 1:26 PM on March 3, 2010
I think it's very short in your case. You've gone through a traumatic event and have changed as a person as a result. Even with the grief I think you've had a very rational and emotional realization of how short life is and have seen how your current job does not work with your new understanding of life.
posted by MillMan at 1:26 PM on March 3, 2010
Much of what you describe is incredibly normal for a grief period, much less having to go thru the process with job insecurity.
You are not betraying anyone if you look for new work, and you are not betraying yourself if you stay put for now. Even if you were incredibly busy right now you would still have to be doing your grief "work"...and part of that is having the reactions you are having right now.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:47 PM on March 3, 2010
You are not betraying anyone if you look for new work, and you are not betraying yourself if you stay put for now. Even if you were incredibly busy right now you would still have to be doing your grief "work"...and part of that is having the reactions you are having right now.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:47 PM on March 3, 2010
I'm sorry for your loss.
If I understand you, it sounds like what's happened to you has made you question your vocation -- but you're unsure whether you want to commit to something full-weight, just in case this is just a passing phase.
Perhaps, then, trying to volunteer for something would be the way to go. You could try out something different and see if it suits you better, but if it's a volunteer thing, that takes the pressure off you for it to be a Permanent Change. Also, it would get you out and moving and in the flow of the world again, which would keep you from staring at the wall. If it turns out that the thing you've volunteered for is a good match, well, then, you're right there doing it, and if the place you've volunteered for wants to hire you, bingo. If not, you've gotten experience in the field, and you can look elsewhere.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:49 PM on March 3, 2010
If I understand you, it sounds like what's happened to you has made you question your vocation -- but you're unsure whether you want to commit to something full-weight, just in case this is just a passing phase.
Perhaps, then, trying to volunteer for something would be the way to go. You could try out something different and see if it suits you better, but if it's a volunteer thing, that takes the pressure off you for it to be a Permanent Change. Also, it would get you out and moving and in the flow of the world again, which would keep you from staring at the wall. If it turns out that the thing you've volunteered for is a good match, well, then, you're right there doing it, and if the place you've volunteered for wants to hire you, bingo. If not, you've gotten experience in the field, and you can look elsewhere.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:49 PM on March 3, 2010
Something that might be helpful to lessen your anxiety on the "what does it all mean? " front is to watch a few movies that kind of deal with the same thing, and regain some perspective on life. A few suggestions are Stranger Than Fiction, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, to some extent High Fidelity, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and I'm sure asking the Mefites here you could get a long list of movies and shows along these lines.
Remaining less productive than you could be is going to propagate your mental state, so this could be the time to make little tasks and goals for yourself to regain your sense of accomplishment (and self-worth). Do that cleaning, make those repairs on broken things in the house, organize your library or personal files, I also suggest taking up hobbies that might have fallen to the wayside - things that make you happy. This will also help you get up the momentum to get through that tedious job application process.
This too shall pass.
posted by lizbunny at 2:00 PM on March 3, 2010
Remaining less productive than you could be is going to propagate your mental state, so this could be the time to make little tasks and goals for yourself to regain your sense of accomplishment (and self-worth). Do that cleaning, make those repairs on broken things in the house, organize your library or personal files, I also suggest taking up hobbies that might have fallen to the wayside - things that make you happy. This will also help you get up the momentum to get through that tedious job application process.
This too shall pass.
posted by lizbunny at 2:00 PM on March 3, 2010
In terms of distracting your brain from staring at the wall time, is it possible for you to spend you sitting at the bench time acquiring a new skill while you are at work? You seem to be dealing with “I have nothing to do but need to have my butt in a seat from 9-5” situation plus the grief healing process. You don’t describe what you do, but something along the lines of learning new software or a new language. If there’s a way to do this above board so they know you’re interested in expanding your skills it may help with the layoff situation.
posted by edbles at 2:04 PM on March 3, 2010
posted by edbles at 2:04 PM on March 3, 2010
Two thoughts:
First, if you are not ready to look for a new job yet then I would second the suggestion for volunteer work. If you like animals, then fostering an animal might give you a companion and someone to care for who is healthy and will happily move on to a "forever home" when they leave you. And if that sounds like a bad idea, then pick something else that would be rewarding and distracting.
Second, I strongly recommend starting a journal. Thoughts in your head tend to spin in circles - if you write the down, they will be easier to manage plus over time it will give you perspective on how your thinking has changed.
posted by metahawk at 2:11 PM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
First, if you are not ready to look for a new job yet then I would second the suggestion for volunteer work. If you like animals, then fostering an animal might give you a companion and someone to care for who is healthy and will happily move on to a "forever home" when they leave you. And if that sounds like a bad idea, then pick something else that would be rewarding and distracting.
Second, I strongly recommend starting a journal. Thoughts in your head tend to spin in circles - if you write the down, they will be easier to manage plus over time it will give you perspective on how your thinking has changed.
posted by metahawk at 2:11 PM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
There are no "rules" that are true for everyone and the idea that you need to wait a certain amount of time before making major life changes after grief-- like the idea that you can never have a good relationship "on the rebound"-- is advice that is often given, seldom followed and we don't even know if it's actually based on anything. People who make major changes in these situations could do better than those who don't-- no one really knows. We've heard stories of those who don't-- but it's often confirmation bias.
Given that we are in a crappy economy and you might get laid off, why not start looking? If the people you are working for really need you, they'll make you a counter-offer if you say you're going-- you can thank them as people without shooting yourself in the foot economically.
So, do what feels right-- don't follow some cliche from psychology/self help that could be based on absolutely nothing.
posted by Maias at 3:41 PM on March 3, 2010
There are no "rules" that are true for everyone and the idea that you need to wait a certain amount of time before making major life changes after grief-- like the idea that you can never have a good relationship "on the rebound"-- is advice that is often given, seldom followed and we don't even know if it's actually based on anything. People who make major changes in these situations could do better than those who don't-- no one really knows. We've heard stories of those who don't-- but it's often confirmation bias.
Given that we are in a crappy economy and you might get laid off, why not start looking? If the people you are working for really need you, they'll make you a counter-offer if you say you're going-- you can thank them as people without shooting yourself in the foot economically.
So, do what feels right-- don't follow some cliche from psychology/self help that could be based on absolutely nothing.
posted by Maias at 3:41 PM on March 3, 2010
You're almost definitely going to feel really crazy for a while. It's just part of it. When I was dealing with my mother's death, I took a job just to have something to do. In this particular circumstance, it was the worst possible way I could have gone. I had no responsibility and most of my tasks at work seemed to consist of purposefully making things harder for the customer. I lasted a week before calling in the contracting company, letting them know my life was too short, and walking away.
Looking for other work isn't a fundamental betrayal. If anything, you'll be granted a little extra leeway since your employers know that you're dealing with big personal stuff. This is especially true since it seems like you've gone out of your way to make yourself useful. It seems possible to me that an offer to leave on good terms might be good for all parties. If you're a good enough employee that they kept so flexible when you needed it, the management might feel relieved if you found something that fit you better right now. They wouldn't have to worry about coming up with your paycheck but could still remain in touch for when the economy picks up again.
In my case, I got a gig directing some theatre and found it much more useful in helping me feel like I was doing something more important to the world. It was definitely a new, strange thing to get paid for doing something I really liked. There were pressures on me that I wasn't exactly ready for. But I was actively doing something that made me feel like I was living my life.
All that said, I was most definitely crazy for a while after her death. Constantly surprised by the weird forms grief can take. Maybe I feel like the important idea is not that you shouldn't change anything while you're dealing with grief; rather, that you approach your life with the knowledge that everything you do for the next while is going to be colored by what's happening in your emotional/spiritual world. As long as you can step back and assure yourself that you're being adequately gentle with yourself and the people around you, I say go for it.
posted by lauranesson at 12:49 AM on March 4, 2010
Looking for other work isn't a fundamental betrayal. If anything, you'll be granted a little extra leeway since your employers know that you're dealing with big personal stuff. This is especially true since it seems like you've gone out of your way to make yourself useful. It seems possible to me that an offer to leave on good terms might be good for all parties. If you're a good enough employee that they kept so flexible when you needed it, the management might feel relieved if you found something that fit you better right now. They wouldn't have to worry about coming up with your paycheck but could still remain in touch for when the economy picks up again.
In my case, I got a gig directing some theatre and found it much more useful in helping me feel like I was doing something more important to the world. It was definitely a new, strange thing to get paid for doing something I really liked. There were pressures on me that I wasn't exactly ready for. But I was actively doing something that made me feel like I was living my life.
All that said, I was most definitely crazy for a while after her death. Constantly surprised by the weird forms grief can take. Maybe I feel like the important idea is not that you shouldn't change anything while you're dealing with grief; rather, that you approach your life with the knowledge that everything you do for the next while is going to be colored by what's happening in your emotional/spiritual world. As long as you can step back and assure yourself that you're being adequately gentle with yourself and the people around you, I say go for it.
posted by lauranesson at 12:49 AM on March 4, 2010
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Even if they don't, I would suggest some short-term therapy.
posted by micawber at 1:00 PM on March 3, 2010 [1 favorite]