Career change and creating a new social life at the same time?

February 24, 2010 10:39 AM

Seriously considering a career change that is completely different from my current position. This will require going back to school for at least a couple of years. However, I've never been the most social person in the world and REALLY want to change that. I’m torn. This desire is really holding me back and I would value anyone's opinion or perspective.

I'm a 24 year old male, and I don't really care for my job. I attended college until 21 and obtained my BS in a very specific major, so it will be hard to just try another job that isn't somewhat related to what I'm currently doing. Besides, the experience I'm getting at my job is more company specific than profession specific, so I don't have many transferable skills, and don't think I could get one with the way the economy is. I feel like I've changed since the time I've graduated, and I'm not feeling fulfilled by this job, and that is very important to me. The job pays decently well, and is low stress, but I don't want to go through my life being mediocre at my job and having no passion for it. I have to take exams every 6 months that are intense and really kill my social life for the 2-3 months prior. It's hard for me to study for these since I'm not interested in the material, so I would probably have be at this for around 4-6 more years.

I've done some soul searching the last few months about what is really important to me. I don't want to be 50 years old, look back at my job and think "I have all of this specialized knowledge that doesn't benefit me outside my job that is boring to talk about with other people." I just feel like what I'm currently doing is not the reason I was put here on Earth. Based on my personality, I think that a career in nursing would be ideal for me. It would be challenging, I would be interacting with lots of people everyday, I would be making a difference, and it would allow me to be able to get a job practically anywhere (not just limited to a major metropolis like my current one). However, there is a problem that is holding me back...my need for more of a social life.

I've always been kind of an introvert growing up, but I think that this was more because of my lack of self-confidence and situation, then actually being a true introvert. I skipped a grade in elementary school, so I was always seen as the "smart" kid, but I'm not a genius or anything like that. I have a large birthmark covering the side of my face that has faded over the years and is barely noticeable today, but it affected me growing up when it was darker. I would occasionally have treatments on it that would mean having to go to school for a couple of weeks with a large dark purple mark covering half my face, and this made me very self-conscious. When high school rolled along, having a bad case of acne didn't help my self image either. I had one or two close friends in school but never any girlfriends. I never even went to prom.

College wasn't much better. I ended up joining a frat because it was big at my school, and I thought it would help me be more social, but I don't think I ended up joining the right one. I got along with some of the guys, but I didn't have much in common with the majority of them. I never really got over my lack of self-confidence either, so I never had a girlfriend throughout college either, and I'm sure that they all thought I was weird because of that, and the fact that I don't find getting blackout drunk very fun.

I moved to a large city after getting a job, but it's been difficult establishing a new social circle due to my job requiring me to take these exams, which take up a lot of my free time. It seems like whenever I start gelling with someone, I have to disappear for a few months, and it's hard to pick up that momentum, especially since I'm not that interesting of a person to begin with. I had my first "girlfriend" a few months ago, but I don't think that you can really call her that since we never talked about being exclusive, never slept together (only some kissing), and only saw each other like once or twice a week (due to her working 2 jobs and wanting to maintain her close friendships, and my studying). We "broke up" at about the 3 month mark when she just completely shut me out of her life without explanation. The last time she spoke to me was a week before my birthday, and I realized it when she didn't return my calls a few days before, and never called to wish me a happy birthday (she knew exactly when it was because we had talked about it recently). The birthday wasn't any fun because I was really worried that something bad happened to her, and I felt like even more of a chump a couple of days later when I realized that she just never cared about me at all. This was the worst way for her to break things off, because I'm used to people growing bored with me and just not wanting to be around me, and this just brought up insecurities that I thought I had gotten over.

If I end up going back to school for nursing, I'm anticipating it taking a couple of years if I get into an accelerated program. The only thing holding me back, though, is that I'm fearful that this is going to put even more of a damper on my social life. I don't want to go into a lot of debt, so I won't be able to go out and spend a lot of money doing various things and bonding with different people. I'm going to become even less desirable to women during this time (due to not having a serious job), and I'm worried that by the time I get done with this, that everyone will just think I'm too weird to be around. I'm still a virgin and haven't really had a serious relationship. Also, it's not like every girl is just dying to brag to her friends that she's dating a nurse. From what I understand, women place a large emphasis on a guy's status, and I think that society, in general, seems to think that nursing is not a "man's" job.

Has anyone been in a similar situation to me before, or know of someone who has? I'm open to any suggestions from people because I really want to get over this. Please don't hold anything back and talk some sense into me if you think that I need it. I've been reading the site for the past few weeks and it has gradually become my favorite site so thanks in advance to anyone who has read this.

posted by MeanderingSun to Human Relations (11 answers total)

From what I understand, women place a large emphasis on a guy's status, and I think that society, in general, seems to think that nursing is not a "man's" job.

This idea is holding you back. "Women" don't place a large emphasis on anything. Some women place emphasis on some things, other women place it on others.

Some women definitely prefer a rich and powerful guy with a Mercedes. Other women (like me) prefer brainy, kind, interesting guys with nerdy qualities. (FWIW, two out of the last three guys I dated were grad students making under 30k a year, and the third was an artist making even less.) Other women like Eagle Scout Christian types. Other women like deadbeat alcoholic bums.

Find the women who are looking for the good qualities that you have, and forget about wasting time with the other ones.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:54 AM on February 24, 2010

Oh, and in nursing school, meeting tons of women is going to be absolutely unavoidable.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:57 AM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Going back to school is often a good step for social life, despite its cost.
posted by salvia at 11:05 AM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

What's desirable to this woman is a guy doing exactly what he feels like he was put on this earth to do. Including being a carnie, a doctor, a plumber, a construction worker, a lawyer, and a nurse.
posted by pintapicasso at 11:29 AM on February 24, 2010

If it makes you feel any better, consider this: I'm a 30 year old male in a (to put it mildly) not very progressive part of the country. I'm taking some pre-reqs at a community college in order to apply for Vet School, so many, if not most, of my classmates are in the Nursing Program. They (the nursing students) are probably one of the most wildly diverse groups I've ever seen, in all manners. I've yet to hear anyone crack a joke about male nurses. It's a non-issue, so please don't let that factor into deciding your plans for the future.
posted by Ufez Jones at 11:39 AM on February 24, 2010

From what I understand, women place a large emphasis on a guy's status, and I think that society, in general, seems to think that nursing is not a "man's" job.

Many people (not just women) are reluctant to get involved with someone who is in a lot of debt and has lousy employment prospects. Nursing does not put you into that category. It's in high demand, you could live anywhere, and some types of nursing allow a flexible schedule.

Also, there is a difference between gold-digging and wanting a partner who is financially responsible. As you can see in this thread, consumer debt and $100k in student loans for unfunded Ph.Ds are turn-offs, but reasonable people are willing to date a partner who lives modestly while paying off loans for a professional degree. A career as a nurse might help you find a woman who doesn't cling to outdated gender roles and likes you for you, not your status.

I say go for it!
posted by Drop Daedalus at 1:00 PM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Totally what Drop Daedalus said. As a woman, I can also add that I would be far, far more attrated to a man who has the courage to risk a career change of this nature and do something that truly fulfills his dreams and actually adds to the world, rather than suffers through an empty and unsatisfying job for whatever reason. ANY medical professional deserves the utmost respect, in my world, I don't care if you're the person who answers the phone and has to talk to upset, stressed-out, often panicky people or if you're a nurse or a brain surgeon. I say go for it as soon as reasonably possible! Also, this has already been said by others, but I don't think I've ever heard a crack about male nurses (nor would I respect anyone who made one). I don't think there's really as stigma attached to that anymore as far as not being "manly" enough. Good luck to you!
posted by lucky25 at 3:19 PM on February 24, 2010

I'm going to become even less desirable to women during this time (due to not having a serious job), and I'm worried that by the time I get done with this, that everyone will just think I'm too weird to be around. I'm still a virgin and haven't really had a serious relationship. Also, it's not like every girl is just dying to brag to her friends that she's dating a nurse.

You are so down on yourself I want to cry. Seriously!

First, it seems like having a girlfriend is really important to you. I’d watch out for making that a measure of your self-worth. I understand there’s tons and tons of pressure for both men and women to have girlfriends/boyfriends but you can’t base your self-worth on that. Having said that, I’m really sorry that this girl treated you so badly.

And I’d focus on having friends first. If you want to have a relationship right now, that’s going to be a bit of a challenge because you’re also trying to build confidence, have a social life and will be studying your butt off in an accelerated program. That’s a LOT to accomplish and I’m worried that by having all these expectations for yourself, you’re going end up being disappointed in yourself. I think that if you can focus on school, end up loving your courses and your studies, find a couple of good friends to study with and hang out with on Fri/Sat nites, you’d be doing great. Seriously.

Secondly, if you’re enjoying school, studying hard, are passionate about becoming a nurse, have a few good friends, that is very attractive already. The key is knowing that the “what” (nurse) is not important, it’s your attitude in how you are living your life. So you’re living your life by realizing you need a career change now, you know that you want to make a difference, you’re working hard in school, want to do your best, really want to get a job once you get out – this is what’s important.

From what I understand, women place a large emphasis on a guy's status, and I think that society, in general, seems to think that nursing is not a "man's" job.
(Sigh) This is where I have to roll my eyes. I think media/society has a big hand in perpetuating this myth. And it’s true that maybe some women think “ew” when they think “male nurse.” But these are the women you want to stay away from, obviously. Not EVERY woman is going to think this. Some will not care you are a nurse. Some will think, “oh that’s interesting.” Some may admire you for being a guy in a non-traditional male job. Don’t limit your thinking or else you are going to limit your opportunities. I for one think it says a lot of good things bout you that you want to be a nurse, and I’m sure I’m not the only person to think that.
posted by foxjacket at 5:47 PM on February 24, 2010

Oh my god, are you kidding? What smart professional woman doesn't want to date a nurse?

-They know medical stuff - so handy! So unbelievably handy.
-They have one of the most portable jobs around that still makes decent bank, so you can live anywhere.
-When you have kids nurses can go on all kinds of crazy fireman style schedules and help with childcare.
-They're secure in their masculinity and don't let traditional macho crap hamper their choices.

Now, if you were trying to completely drive a stake into the heart of your social life, I'd say you should start taking nursing school classes part time to make sure the course of study actually appeals to you, and not just the concept of doing a complete 180 in career choices. I'm assuming you're an actuary due to the exams...I'm a software engineer and every once in awhile when I'm in a really awful meeting I find myself fantasizing about chucking it all and becoming a nurse but then I realize that I am just NOT that much of a medicine person and probably wouldn't be good at it. I just have an idea in my head that nurses never have to go to awful meetings because they're too busy saving lives and being devastatingly competent. I think this idea probably isn't true, but who knows.
posted by crinklebat at 7:20 PM on February 24, 2010

The most punk rock motherfucker I know is a nurse. He didn't let gender stereotypes hold him back and you don't have to either.
posted by clavicle at 8:28 PM on February 24, 2010

I don't think "male nurse" has the stigma that you think is associated with it. And honestly who cares if it did? I don't know a single woman (or man for that matter) who would care about that. My wife recently completed an accelerated nursing program (in just 1 year!) and probably 30% of her classmates were men. So while not only being a good stable career with good pay and job prospects, you'll also have the woman:man ratio on your side while in school and once you get started in your career. As an aside 2 of her classmates that met in school actually ended up getting married. School is a great place to meet people. You'll be taking classes with people who all have the same goal and probably a lot of the same interests.

I ended up joining a frat because it was big at my school, and I thought it would help me be more social, but I don't think I ended up joining the right one.

Sorry if I'm generalizing here but you don't sound like a typical "frat" guy. I don't know that any fraternity would have been the right one for you. You also say that you don't think you're an introvert and while I couldn't say for sure without knowing you it sounds like you most definitely are an introvert, and there's nothing wrong with that. Being an introvert isn't a bad thing it just means you process things in a certain way. I know this is much easier said than done but you need to accept who you are. To be blunt, you spend too much time worrying what other people think of you.
posted by bingwah at 9:07 AM on February 25, 2010