Help us help herself
February 16, 2010 1:17 PM Subscribe
What are the things I simply must do now that I am the primary caregiver of a 90 year old woman?
Growing up I was very close to my godparents, who are unrelated to me but lived in my neighborhood. Throughout my life they have been a close influence on my life, as close to grandparents as I've ever had, and they think of me as a son (they never had children of their own).
I'm now in my 30s and still living in the town where I grew up. The couple turned 90, and recently the husband passed away quite suddenly.
They were very autonomous up until his death. Despite several health scares in their life (he broke his hip and never walked quite right again; in their 80s they both had cancer that went into remission) they still owned their own home, lived alone, and took complete care of themselves.
However the husband was the primary caregiver. He did not like to be a passenger in the car so after his retirement he drove everywhere, and she forgot how to drive and hasn't driven in almost 30 years. She failed her last driver's test due to this and is lacking both in skill and confidence for driving.
Additionally, he did all the grocery shopping, handled all the finances and paperwork, basically he was the 1940s ideal of "man of the house" and she was completely taken care of by him, even in these later years.
Now she finds herself totally alone and lost. She is often frightened by the mail, refusing to open it without me there. Being 90 she has several medical issues requiring fairly frequent trips to the doctor, but she cannot drive.
My wife and I are doing all we can to help her, including taking quite a bit of time off our jobs to drive her to appointments, take her grocery shopping, and trying to keep her routine as it was, even taking her to her ritual Saturday morning hair appointments. But we are both working professionals and are quickly running out of time off.
We live in a medium sized city and are looking into what senior services are available for transportation, etc. But we are wondering what we should do in order to ensure she gets what she needs. She wishes to remain independent in the home she shared with her husband and does not wish to move to any assisted living or retirement communities. But she has already fallen on the ice and broken her arm while taking out the garbage alone, wanting to feel she could do it herself?
So what steps should we take?
And as an aside, since we are not blood relatives she has recently made us her legal advocates (given us Power of Attorney over medical and property). To care for her, would FMLA apply the way it would for an elderly parent, or are there any avenues we can explore to help us help her?
Thanks for any and all ideas.
Growing up I was very close to my godparents, who are unrelated to me but lived in my neighborhood. Throughout my life they have been a close influence on my life, as close to grandparents as I've ever had, and they think of me as a son (they never had children of their own).
I'm now in my 30s and still living in the town where I grew up. The couple turned 90, and recently the husband passed away quite suddenly.
They were very autonomous up until his death. Despite several health scares in their life (he broke his hip and never walked quite right again; in their 80s they both had cancer that went into remission) they still owned their own home, lived alone, and took complete care of themselves.
However the husband was the primary caregiver. He did not like to be a passenger in the car so after his retirement he drove everywhere, and she forgot how to drive and hasn't driven in almost 30 years. She failed her last driver's test due to this and is lacking both in skill and confidence for driving.
Additionally, he did all the grocery shopping, handled all the finances and paperwork, basically he was the 1940s ideal of "man of the house" and she was completely taken care of by him, even in these later years.
Now she finds herself totally alone and lost. She is often frightened by the mail, refusing to open it without me there. Being 90 she has several medical issues requiring fairly frequent trips to the doctor, but she cannot drive.
My wife and I are doing all we can to help her, including taking quite a bit of time off our jobs to drive her to appointments, take her grocery shopping, and trying to keep her routine as it was, even taking her to her ritual Saturday morning hair appointments. But we are both working professionals and are quickly running out of time off.
We live in a medium sized city and are looking into what senior services are available for transportation, etc. But we are wondering what we should do in order to ensure she gets what she needs. She wishes to remain independent in the home she shared with her husband and does not wish to move to any assisted living or retirement communities. But she has already fallen on the ice and broken her arm while taking out the garbage alone, wanting to feel she could do it herself?
So what steps should we take?
And as an aside, since we are not blood relatives she has recently made us her legal advocates (given us Power of Attorney over medical and property). To care for her, would FMLA apply the way it would for an elderly parent, or are there any avenues we can explore to help us help her?
Thanks for any and all ideas.
Yeah, you need some help. You need in-home support, or you need to investigate placing her in care.
My own grandmother is 90-something and lived on her own until just last month. The last couple of years have been very difficult for my parents.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:33 PM on February 16, 2010
My own grandmother is 90-something and lived on her own until just last month. The last couple of years have been very difficult for my parents.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:33 PM on February 16, 2010
She should have one of those medical alert bracelets or necklaces in case she falls again, and maybe a very simple cell phone, like the kind they make for kids that can only be used to call a few numbers.
If the mail really freaks her out have it all forwarded to you. The post office should be able to arrange for that.
Have you checked out meals on wheels? Getting some of them would cut down on the shopping and it would give her daily contact with someone else I've known a lot of people who volunteered to deliver these are they are wonderful.
Can she afford to pay someone to clean her house?
Does she have an extra bedroom so that someone could be there every night? Grad student friends (very serious, non-partyers) have done this kind of thing for free rent.
posted by mareli at 1:35 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
If the mail really freaks her out have it all forwarded to you. The post office should be able to arrange for that.
Have you checked out meals on wheels? Getting some of them would cut down on the shopping and it would give her daily contact with someone else I've known a lot of people who volunteered to deliver these are they are wonderful.
Can she afford to pay someone to clean her house?
Does she have an extra bedroom so that someone could be there every night? Grad student friends (very serious, non-partyers) have done this kind of thing for free rent.
posted by mareli at 1:35 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
The way I see it, your primary duty is to keep her safe. That's a loaded, and very large job, though.
You might want to look into some in-home 'care' for her - really more assistance, than care.
Someone who could pop in a few times a week, take her garbage out, make sure her meds are being taken and are up to date, make a list of what she needs next time she shops, etc.
My mother had a woman who did this, took her on errands and even helped her balance her checkbook - you have to really trust someone to go this far...
The other thing that should happen is a visit to her doctor for a checkup, unless you know she's had one recently. Also ask/look into how she handles any meds she's on - that can be the first place that people start to forget, and (depending on the med) can have dire consequences.
Bless you for caring and for doing this.
posted by dbmcd at 1:45 PM on February 16, 2010
You might want to look into some in-home 'care' for her - really more assistance, than care.
Someone who could pop in a few times a week, take her garbage out, make sure her meds are being taken and are up to date, make a list of what she needs next time she shops, etc.
My mother had a woman who did this, took her on errands and even helped her balance her checkbook - you have to really trust someone to go this far...
The other thing that should happen is a visit to her doctor for a checkup, unless you know she's had one recently. Also ask/look into how she handles any meds she's on - that can be the first place that people start to forget, and (depending on the med) can have dire consequences.
Bless you for caring and for doing this.
posted by dbmcd at 1:45 PM on February 16, 2010
I googled "in-home senior care" and the top link was for this company. I'm linking it to show the services they list (broken out into "companionship", "home helper", and "personal" categories). I have never done business with that particular company, and the other google results show similar services via other companies and organizations.
Another possible resource is volunteer groups (religious or not). This doesn't necessarily have to be high school students glumly serving that National Honor Society hours. When my grandfather was newly widowed in his late 60s, he began volunteering with an organization that served the elderly. He delivered meals and kept the recipients company while they ate.
You're going to exhaust yourselves if you try to fill her husband's shoes--I'm sure you know that. But there are services available that can distribute the workload. Maybe you take her to the hair appointment on Saturdays and help her with the mail, the in-home caregiver takes out the trash, drives her to medical appointments, and her church sends volunteers over to keep her company.
I'd suggest that one of your top priorities be evaluating all of her in-home care options. Does her insurance cover anything? Is she financially able to pay for services her insurance doesn't cover?
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:46 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Another possible resource is volunteer groups (religious or not). This doesn't necessarily have to be high school students glumly serving that National Honor Society hours. When my grandfather was newly widowed in his late 60s, he began volunteering with an organization that served the elderly. He delivered meals and kept the recipients company while they ate.
You're going to exhaust yourselves if you try to fill her husband's shoes--I'm sure you know that. But there are services available that can distribute the workload. Maybe you take her to the hair appointment on Saturdays and help her with the mail, the in-home caregiver takes out the trash, drives her to medical appointments, and her church sends volunteers over to keep her company.
I'd suggest that one of your top priorities be evaluating all of her in-home care options. Does her insurance cover anything? Is she financially able to pay for services her insurance doesn't cover?
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:46 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
You should be contacting your local Area Agency on Aging. They should be able to connect her to community resources like meal programs, transportation to medical appointments, and (potentially) respite services for you if you start to feel overwhelmed. The folks who work there should also be able to help with navigating the system if she is eligible for other federal programs, like assistance with her Medicare premiums or--down the road, if her physical conditions deteriorate to a point where she needs more help than you can provide--things like Medicaid to pay for home health or nursing home services.
The people working at your AAA are probably going to be the best source of knowledge about all local resources so I'd start there to see what is available.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:55 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
The people working at your AAA are probably going to be the best source of knowledge about all local resources so I'd start there to see what is available.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:55 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ask HR about FMLA. Unless she is a tax dependent, probably not available, and maybe not even if she was a tax dependent. If you can find someone to visit daily, just to check in, make sure the stove is off, heating oil is okay, etc., that would be a huge help. Area Agency on Aging is definitely the resource, as well as any church she may be a member of, and her family. You are very good to her.
posted by theora55 at 1:59 PM on February 16, 2010
posted by theora55 at 1:59 PM on February 16, 2010
There are also support groups online that help with everyday type questions.
I just googled this one as an example, you may want to do more research if you prefer something else.
Knew several people involved with Meals on Wheels. They visit just a little with their people every day and get to know a bit about them, so they can tell if something is wrong. Most of the volunteers are retired and therefore quite sympathetic to the plight of those who are older. It also gives the elderly person something to look forward to every day.
posted by srbrunson at 2:34 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just googled this one as an example, you may want to do more research if you prefer something else.
Knew several people involved with Meals on Wheels. They visit just a little with their people every day and get to know a bit about them, so they can tell if something is wrong. Most of the volunteers are retired and therefore quite sympathetic to the plight of those who are older. It also gives the elderly person something to look forward to every day.
posted by srbrunson at 2:34 PM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
nthing the Area Agency on Aging answer. They were enormously helpful to us in keeping my nonagenarian grandfather in his rural farm home until the end of his life. If your location in your profile is correct, yours is this place. They will provide transportation and case management, among other things.
Also, was she a member of a church? Was he a Mason or member of another fraternal order? Of these groups can step in to provide assistance for things the Area Agency won't/can't cover (including just plain old companionship).
posted by anastasiav at 2:45 PM on February 16, 2010
Also, was she a member of a church? Was he a Mason or member of another fraternal order? Of these groups can step in to provide assistance for things the Area Agency won't/can't cover (including just plain old companionship).
posted by anastasiav at 2:45 PM on February 16, 2010
nthing the Area Agency on Aging. Also, get to Eldercare.gov, for information on services to help you.
posted by magstheaxe at 3:40 PM on February 16, 2010
posted by magstheaxe at 3:40 PM on February 16, 2010
I regularly visited a family friend who is now 95, and these are things that helped keep her independent.
I agree with a lot of the posters here that you do need to look into what's available where you live. We have a couple of senior centers, which work with Meals on Wheels and provide transportation for doctor's visits, trips to movies and bingo, etc. They also use volunteer "friendly visitors" (fully vetted) who will phone twice a week or drop by for a couple of hours a week, just for a change of scenery and company.
A couple of calendars with doctor's and hair appointments will help your friend focus on the daily routine. Does she take medication? Get one of those boxes with different dividers for each day of the week (they do a.m. and p.m. ones, if necessary), and check that she is taking the right pills.
I also sent cute postcards every few days, just to say hello or mention what I'd been up to -- that meant she had something fun to get in the mail that wasn't bills or junk.
Talking to her, even just about mundane things like the weather, will help take away some of her anxiety at not having her husband around to be the man of the house.
Also, she could leave a TV or radio on in another room so she doesn't feel as if she's coming back to an empty house -- I do that myself!
posted by vickyverky at 4:04 PM on February 16, 2010
I agree with a lot of the posters here that you do need to look into what's available where you live. We have a couple of senior centers, which work with Meals on Wheels and provide transportation for doctor's visits, trips to movies and bingo, etc. They also use volunteer "friendly visitors" (fully vetted) who will phone twice a week or drop by for a couple of hours a week, just for a change of scenery and company.
A couple of calendars with doctor's and hair appointments will help your friend focus on the daily routine. Does she take medication? Get one of those boxes with different dividers for each day of the week (they do a.m. and p.m. ones, if necessary), and check that she is taking the right pills.
I also sent cute postcards every few days, just to say hello or mention what I'd been up to -- that meant she had something fun to get in the mail that wasn't bills or junk.
Talking to her, even just about mundane things like the weather, will help take away some of her anxiety at not having her husband around to be the man of the house.
Also, she could leave a TV or radio on in another room so she doesn't feel as if she's coming back to an empty house -- I do that myself!
posted by vickyverky at 4:04 PM on February 16, 2010
If she gets in-home care, show up unannounced every so often to make sure that the people hired are treating her properly.
One of my grandfather's caregivers was not only fucking his GF when my grandfather died, but had also been stealing things and sneaking out at night.
I walked in one day to my grandmother's (who had dementia) apartment to find that her daytime caregiver had left her alone. My mother blew this off when I told her and let it escalate until the fact that this woman had been physically abusive could no longer be ignored.
posted by brujita at 10:45 PM on February 16, 2010
One of my grandfather's caregivers was not only fucking his GF when my grandfather died, but had also been stealing things and sneaking out at night.
I walked in one day to my grandmother's (who had dementia) apartment to find that her daytime caregiver had left her alone. My mother blew this off when I told her and let it escalate until the fact that this woman had been physically abusive could no longer be ignored.
posted by brujita at 10:45 PM on February 16, 2010
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posted by ShadePlant at 1:23 PM on February 16, 2010