How would you feel if your partner asked you to try an erectile dysfunction drug? How would you like to be asked?

February 11, 2010 1:54 PM

Men of MeFi, how would you feel if your partner asked you to try an erectile dysfunction drug? How would you like to be asked?

My boyfriend is of course aware of his issue getting an erection. We have talked about it and our discussion has been comfortable as it can be considering the topic. I'd like to ask him to try an ED drug because I think it may enhance sex for both of us, but I want to phrase it as eloquently as possible to avoid making him feel bad.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (25 answers total)

He knows he has issues. I can't imagine he'd be adverse to trying to fix it. Is it a pride thing? Better to take a pill and then get in on than to be stubborn and lie there with your flag at half-staff.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 1:59 PM on February 11, 2010

Watch late night tv with him until a commercial for Viagra comes on. Perfect conversation starter.
posted by lakerk at 2:00 PM on February 11, 2010

A good number of people take viagra and other ED drugs semi-recreationally. If you feel the need to be less than upfront and honest about this, you could frame the suggestion as hearing from a friend about how much fun they had taking ED drugs recreationally.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:04 PM on February 11, 2010

Whatever. It's a problem for a lot of guys I guess. If I had it, I'd want to fix it. I'd be more embarrassed to never be able to get it up than to take Viagra.
posted by jckll at 2:10 PM on February 11, 2010

I'm just going to list a couple points about me, with the caveat that I really think there's a lot of room for different guys to react differently about this.

1) I'd prefer not to hear about how it might enhance things for you, because that would make me feel like the experience I can offer you naturally is insufficient and requires "enhancement".

2) I'd really prefer to be able to make the choice and then take the pill. Making a doctor's appointment, explaining things to a doctor, possibly getting flack or a bunch of unwanted alternate suggestions from a doctor... not sexy, possibly frustrating. If you could score a pill or two through back-channels, I'd be way more amenable to the whole thing. Of course, prescription drugs are prescriptions drugs for a reason.

3) I'd probably respond well to something like this: "Hey, considering that issue you've got, I'm really curious how you'd respond to [Name of Med]... are you interested?" By phrasing your interest as curiosity, rather than anything that implies a desired outcome, I would feel less pressure - both to take the med and to experience a specific result.

Good Luck!
posted by chudmonkey at 2:22 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

My boyfriend is of course aware of his issue getting an erection. We have talked about it and our discussion has been comfortable as it can be considering the topic.

Sounds to me like you've already done the hard part (no pun intended) in broaching the topic. If he's already talking about it, it's difficult to imagine how he'd be offended by your suggestions. Next time you're talking about it, just say "look, when i've got a headache I take tylenol. When I'm feeling tired, I drink coffee... why don't we give viagra a go?"

[in fact, phrasing it as "why don't we...?" is probably the best way to go]
posted by modernnomad at 2:31 PM on February 11, 2010

You need to start by being fully GGG. Yes, I know you think you already are. I'm sure you're positive you are. But you could be doing more. Everyone could be doing more.

Once you've established that there is absolutely no question that it is within his power to please you fully ... and that he is the sole object of your animal lust ... that you want to jump his bones everywhere, all the time ... then you can play the card that reads, "Hey, you know what could be really fun to try once?*"

Doctors often prescribe one pill for patients to test drive.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:33 PM on February 11, 2010

At the risk of being a smidge NSFW, have you tried "You know what? I love [ahem]ing you, and I love your [ahem] inside of me, emphasis on YOURS. I miss it. We can try ED medication, or we can try doing something new that you've always wanted to do but we've never done. Tonight I'm game if you are. Which way do you want to go?"
posted by davejay at 2:49 PM on February 11, 2010

Cool Papa Bell,

I don't think any of us can honestly say that our partner is the sole object of our animal lust (although they may be the sole outlet, sans masturbation). If the OP's boyfriend is in touch with reality, he knows this, and will likely feel confused or manipulated by assertions to the contrary.

I know you believe that everyone could be doing more to be GGG, but I don't see why you assume that the OP's efforts are so inadequate that they need to be brought up in a thread about a medical problem. Are you trying to imply that the OP's presumed inadequacies are responsible for her partner's ED? Because that's kind of ridiculous.

Also, GGG goes both ways: why does the OP need to apologize for and bullshit around his/her desires?
posted by randomname25 at 3:06 PM on February 11, 2010 [6 favorites]

I don't know how old your partner is or general state of health, but

Erectile Dysfunction can be a symptom of heart disease.
posted by cali59 at 3:14 PM on February 11, 2010

Sometimes it's embarrassing to think that we guys need to be coddled like delicate little flowers...oooh don't want to mention the "softy"....don't want to give him a complex....don't want to mess with his self-"esteem". Please.

TV is fucking littered with ads letting guys know there is a pill, a friggin' pill, you can take that may offer a solution to this. A spectacular amount of money is spent each year on this. You would think we were talking about something as important as cancer, or HIV/AIDS, or fucking non-abstinence-based sex education. For fuck's sake. I want to see one dollar spent on birth planning/safer sex ads for every dollar spent on viagra ads. There are 1001 ways and products to protect/enhance a guys virility, but what do women get? Women and girls the world over are insidiously spoon-fed unattainable stereotypes about their bodies and their potential, as opposed to even the smallest amount of fact. My apologies for turning this comment into a cluster-fuck of an unfocused rant. To answer your question:

I want to phrase it as eloquently as possible to avoid making him feel bad.

"...there's a pill out there. You may have seen it on TV. In case you haven't, it's called ...Why don't we try it. It may help you get/keep your erection. If it turns out to work, it might really add to our sex life in a way that was enjoyable for both of us."

But guys, do not make your SO find some delicate way of telling you that this might help your sex life and/or performance. You are NOT your erection any more than your partner IS her orgasm. Man up. Be thankful this problem has at least a shot at a solution. This is a no-brainer. Personally, if my SO so much at hints at something she might like (much less hints that my dick could stand a little better), my only questions are "what, how, and when?" "You want me to wear/do/say/lick what? Sure!"

Ridiculous pride is best left at the bedroom door. If you are lucky enough to have someone sharing your bed, you would be wise to do everything you can to be the best lover for them you can possibly be. Sex is a team sport.

Now, stop whining and get in there.
posted by nickjadlowe at 3:25 PM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm sure you already know, OP, that this is a REALLY sensitive issue for men, and not something that is easy to acknowledge. He may feel that he has an occasional problem and it's no big deal, even after the discussions you've had. And, of course, other factors could be at play: does he use recreational drugs often? Too much alcohol? Is he under some serious stress? etc.

I think you are going about this in the right way, first starting a general dialogue and next wanting to be more specific, but still in a sensitive way.

You might approach it by asking if he has any fantasies you two haven't tried and what else would he like to try in bed, etc.

When he naturally reciprocates by asking you the same questions, then maybe something like, "Well, I've always wondered what it would be like to go all night. Is it even possible? I guess we would probably need a little added help to keep it going. Could we try Viagra or something? How could we get some?"

That takes the pressure off of him, and even doesn't address the whole "you aren't completely hard" issue directly. But once you have tried Viagra or another ED drug together, he might decide that, for his particular issue, it really does have a beneficial effect.
posted by misha at 3:37 PM on February 11, 2010

Heh. nickjadlowe and I took completely different tacks. You know your guy the best, so choose whichever way you think will work!
posted by misha at 3:38 PM on February 11, 2010

If it was me, we'd already be on a rather comfortable speaking terms on the subject, so a "hey, how about you just take this pill and sex me up good and proper" would be an excellent way of broaching the subject. You can approach the subject in a matter-of-fact way without being disrespectful, which would do wonders for me at least. The problem is my dick, not I, so phrase it in whatever way that will come through.

In a weaker moment, of course i'd feel inadequate and so on, but as you put it you're already talking about it, so what the hell. You're supposed to be a supportive person, not pandering to whatever stud male ideal I might fear not living up to…

All of this IMHO, of course. YMMV.
posted by monocultured at 3:43 PM on February 11, 2010

I don't think any of us can honestly say that our partner is the sole object of our animal lust (although they may be the sole outlet, sans masturbation).

Don't miss the forest for the trees. This could be a psychological issue stemming from simple nervousness or a similar lack of confidence. Massaging the ego can ease the nerves. There's several reasons people will tell you, "You look hot," and one of them is to signal desire for the hottie in question. Knowing you're the one being desired is pretty cool, wouldn't you say?

If the OP's boyfriend is in touch with reality, he knows this

Whoever said people are always (or even often) rational about sex? ;-)

I don't see why you assume that the OP's efforts are so inadequate that they need to be brought up in a thread about a medical problem. Are you trying to imply that the OP's presumed inadequacies are responsible for her partner's ED? Because that's kind of ridiculous.

I didn't say or assume anything. I said "ensure," which means "guarantee" or "make certain of." You're the one being hammer-handed and unhelpful in this conversation. Step off.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:48 PM on February 11, 2010

OK, I didn't literally say ensure. That's what I meant, apologies for getting snippy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:49 PM on February 11, 2010

As a man, if this became an issue with my girlfriend to the extent that we had already talked about it openly and both acknowledged it's a problem, nickjadlowe's suggestion* is the closest thing I've seen in this thread to what I'd want to hear:

"...there's a pill out there. You may have seen it on TV. In case you haven't, it's called ...Why don't we try it. It may help you get/keep your erection. If it turns out to work, it might really add to our sex life in a way that was enjoyable for both of us."

Except, if you're talking about Viagra, I don't even think that whole preface is necessary. Does anyone not know about Viagra anymore? I would want to hear just plain: "Hey, why not try some Viagra?" Phrasing it as a question might be good, since, if he objects for some reason, he then has an opportunity to explain.

Any further attempts to dress up the suggestion would just make me think, "Oh, so you were worried I'd be offended."

Misha's suggestion is exactly what I would not want to hear. "I've always wanted to see if we could go all night..."? Please! That's so transparent. If my girlfriend said that to me, I would automatically translate it as: "So you're saying I should take Viagra because I've been having trouble getting an erection."

I mean, this is not complicated: having sex doesn't work very well without him having an erection; he's had issues getting an erection; you both want to have sex; therefore, if there's a course of action that will help him get an erection more often, you (plural) should take it. You both agree there's a problem, so just have a straightforward, blunt conversation about finding the best solution.

* I actually hesitate to cite nickjadlowe's comment because I'm really not a fan of his derail/rant. For one thing, it's inaccurate: men are presented with unrealistic expectations about their bodies, not just about erections. You just prefer to describe women as the ones who are passive victims. More to the point, I'm pretty sure the OP is not asking for a critique of gender in society as a whole, but rather for advice about solving a specific problem in her relationship.
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:06 PM on February 11, 2010

I would first try sending him to his doctor, out of concern for his overall health (seriously). And then before he went I would say, "what if he suggests you try Viagra?" and then you can have a conversation somewhere in which you shrug and casually say, "Worth trying. I think you should go for it."

I don't think Viagra's like antidepressants, where it's in for a penny, in for a pound. I think it's a situational drug. So he can try it, dislike it, and move on, or not.

The other thing is not being able to get it up, if it's not a health problem, can also be from distractions, stress, exhaustion, depression, etc., so those are the causal avenues to look at, too.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:10 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't think this conversation would need to be a big deal, especially if phrase in the context of "here's something fun I'd like to try."

E.g: "Hey, want to see if we can get ahold of a Cialis one of these weekends, maybe go somewhere nice, and just Fuck. All. Day? Just thinking about crazed, superhuman fucking I want to lay on you gets me hot. Let's do it!"

(I'd say Cialis over Viagra, it lasts much longer.)

Of course, the penis is the dipstick of cardiovascular health, as they say, or someone said, or maybe I just made up. So the prudent and responsible thing would be for him to ask a physician about this at some point. But there's a time and place in this short life for imprudent, irresponsible fucking, and in my lay understanding (IANAD) the widespread recreational abuse of ED drugs hasn't been accompanied by much in the way of serious consequences. I am pulling this straight out of my ass, but my impression is that it's not more risky than, say, snowboarding, or driving, or Farmville. Again, IANAD, and the previous statement is wholly untrammeled by fact, research, or expertise.

Of course, when it comes to asking your partner to ingest drugs, if they don't want to that's the end of the discussion--that's outside of reasonable GGG expectations and obligations. But fuck it, bring it up, it could be fun for both of you and give him a memorable data point for any later conversations about making this an ongoing, physician-approved treatment.
posted by kprincehouse at 5:39 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

The thing to point out to him, or to show him that you understand, is that if his ED is partially psychological, then the fear of failure is now his primary problem. Taking Leviagralis or whatever, just a couple of times, to free him from having to wonder if he'll get the wigglies, may very likely give him a sense of mastery and relaxation and focus that makes the pills fully unnecessary thereafter. (But still fun!)
posted by Now I'm Prune Tracy! at 6:00 PM on February 11, 2010

as mentioned above, there are people who take it recreationally - find out where they get it, and get some. Slip into your sexiest negligee, and seductively ask "wanna try something naughty?"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:19 PM on February 11, 2010

I succeed in potentially awkward situations like this by being blunt but keeping my tone light.

I would say, without any preamble, "have you ever tried viagra? I hear it's fun."

I wouldn't bring it up right after sex because that's kind of tacky.
posted by mai at 6:44 PM on February 11, 2010

"... Dr. John Mulcahy of Indiana University, a nationally-known expert on erectile dysfunction (the scientific term for impotence), provides the reason behind Viagra's phenomenal success.

'By the mid-to-late fifties, 1 of 4 men are impotent. By the mid-sixties it is half; by the mid-seventies it is most men are impotent.

Research from the National Institutes of Health found that 5% of 40 year old men are impotent too. So the legions of men seeking prescriptions for viagra may indeed be true sufferers of impotence. For them, the success rates with viagra are impressive.

For men whose impotence is caused by psychological factors, viagra has been shown to work in 90% of cases. For impotence that is traced to a biological cause, viagra has a 60%-70% rate of effectiveness. This is even true in cases of spinal cord injury, or in men who have had their prostates removed.

But impotence may also be caused by factors such as medication use and lifestyle. Keep in mind that smoking, obesity and medications such as antidepressants and antihistamines can also reduce sexual functioning, and alteration of these factors is a better solution than viagra.'..."

That said, vacuum pump systems for creating penile erection can help a larger range of men, at far lower cost, with far greater reliability, and shorter decision time frames to erection, often without the need for physician consultation/prescription, than medications such as Viagra or Cialis.
posted by paulsc at 7:07 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

OP, you didn't mention why your boyfriend is not getting it up these days (and of course, maybe neither you nor he knows why), but sometimes there's a snowball effect with things like this; i.e., after not being able to get an erection a few times, at this point, just thinking about not being able to get hard is making him feel crappy and unsexy and sad. Maybe he just needs to get back into his erectile groove, y'know, and then things will sort themselves out? I know that doesn't answer your question, I was just mentioning it as a possibility.

As for how you should ask...in his situation, I think I'd most like it if my girlfriend were just loving and direct about it, but make sure you tell him that you know he loves you, too, because sometimes a guy could worry that his girl thinks he no longer digs her if this situation is happening. So you could say, Babe, I love you so much, and I know you love me too, and there are some things [pills] out there that were designed specifically to get things moving for dudes.

Of course, even if you bring it up in the most sensitive, loving way possible, he might not go for it through no fault of yours. I hope this works out for you.
posted by clockzero at 9:47 PM on February 11, 2010

So a couple things to consider:

1. That is the most sensitive thing you could ever discuss with us. Don't kid yourself, if we have that issue we've considered every possible angle and researched the hell out of it online. Your bf knows Viagra exists--the bigger question is why he hasn't pursued it himself.

2. Guys like solutions. Present us with a problem and we don't just want to talk about it, we want to find a solution and move on. So don't dwell on this, just ask him to get some viagra from his doc so the party can get started again. If you don't make it a big deal, it will help him not make it a big deal.

3. The biggest fear about Viagra for guys I think (aside from the 4hr+ erection risk) is that we worry that we'll only be able to please you with the Viagra, and are thus not adequate without it. Make him feel like he's a sex god without it (by letting him please you in other ways) and it will help shore up his confidence about the matter. Believe it or not for most guys when they can't get it up their thought is not "oh shit I can't get off now" its "oh shit I can't please her now and she will think I'm less of a man."

4. Have you looked into possible underlying causes? Things like alcohol, lack of energy from being tired, diet, etc. can all be causes of a limp dick. Even for people who are normally sexually healthy those things can lead to instances of ED.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:37 PM on February 11, 2010