How do you get out of the habit of treating someone else poorly?
February 11, 2010 11:35 AM Subscribe
How do you get out of the habit of treating someone else poorly?
Over the course of my relationship with my husband, we've been through some stressful times together (moving, living in a foreign country, miscarriage, having a child). Also, I've had some depression/anxiety issues. These things have taken a toll on our relationship and I'd like to get things back on track, but my good intentions don't seem to be changing the behaviour that I'm exhibiting towards him.
In some ways, my husband and I are unsuited to each other in that when I'm having a hard time, he tends to say or do the absolutely worse possible thing in the situation (from my point of view). When I'm doing my best to be an adult and specifically tell him 'hey, I'm really stressed out right now, could we 'insert some request'', it generally doesn't help...he doesn't actually get that I need some quiet time or I that I need to talk about something at a later point or whatever my request is, unless I'm acting like a complete bitch to him about it. So, it's almost like I'm receiving positive reinforcement for acting in a way that I don't want to act.
Another issue is that when I have a problem, I need a sympathizer and my husband is a fixer. I don't really feel like he's a good person to talk to about any problems I have if it's anything with emotional content.
So, we're out of synch in some ways...and I don't know if it's possible to get more into synch or not, but what I'd like to do is not act inappropriately, regardless. I love him very much and I'd like to treat him in a way that's representative of that, not representative of the amount of frustration I feel about some of our differences. I think one step may be to get some of my emotional needs fulfilled through friends, family, etc, so I'm not so reliant on my husband to meet my needs. Other than that, I'm kind of at a loss and even though I start every day with the best of intentions, I still tend to at some point say something that I wish I hadn't said, or roll my eyes or whatever. I'm seriously considering putting a rubber band on my wrist and causing myself physical pain whenever I automatically act mean/disrespectful towards him. Are there any other suggestions out there?
Over the course of my relationship with my husband, we've been through some stressful times together (moving, living in a foreign country, miscarriage, having a child). Also, I've had some depression/anxiety issues. These things have taken a toll on our relationship and I'd like to get things back on track, but my good intentions don't seem to be changing the behaviour that I'm exhibiting towards him.
In some ways, my husband and I are unsuited to each other in that when I'm having a hard time, he tends to say or do the absolutely worse possible thing in the situation (from my point of view). When I'm doing my best to be an adult and specifically tell him 'hey, I'm really stressed out right now, could we 'insert some request'', it generally doesn't help...he doesn't actually get that I need some quiet time or I that I need to talk about something at a later point or whatever my request is, unless I'm acting like a complete bitch to him about it. So, it's almost like I'm receiving positive reinforcement for acting in a way that I don't want to act.
Another issue is that when I have a problem, I need a sympathizer and my husband is a fixer. I don't really feel like he's a good person to talk to about any problems I have if it's anything with emotional content.
So, we're out of synch in some ways...and I don't know if it's possible to get more into synch or not, but what I'd like to do is not act inappropriately, regardless. I love him very much and I'd like to treat him in a way that's representative of that, not representative of the amount of frustration I feel about some of our differences. I think one step may be to get some of my emotional needs fulfilled through friends, family, etc, so I'm not so reliant on my husband to meet my needs. Other than that, I'm kind of at a loss and even though I start every day with the best of intentions, I still tend to at some point say something that I wish I hadn't said, or roll my eyes or whatever. I'm seriously considering putting a rubber band on my wrist and causing myself physical pain whenever I automatically act mean/disrespectful towards him. Are there any other suggestions out there?
Counseling. A practical, CBT-type counselor might be able to help train the two of you out of relationship-destroying interactions. If you can't afford it/insurance doesn't cover it, try asking local colleges if they have student counseling centers staffed by their grad students undergoing supervised clinical field experience.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:46 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:46 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Let him snap the rubber band.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:13 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:13 PM on February 11, 2010
This dynamic is very common, and very difficult to break out of. You should go into couples' counselling now, before it becomes an unsalvageable situation.
posted by sid at 12:26 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by sid at 12:26 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ditto RosieMBanks on the counseling suggestion. Those deep-set patterns are hard to break without you both agreeing that 1. they exist and 2. you're both party to them and 3. you both want to change them. And since you're not having luck (it seems) trying at least some changes on your end (by pointing out the stress exists -- "Hey I'm stressed out right now, could we etc."), it might be really good to sit with a counselor and work on the initial question of whether or not you both agree problems exist. Then she/he can help get at whether you're both on board for the work out of it and toward someplace better.
What you've been going through sounds terribly stressful. And precisely like the kinds of things in a marriage that can make you both feel quite isolated, despite being together. That can lead to all sorts of lonely stuff wherein neither of you feel you're getting what you need from the other. It's completely reasonable and legit to feel that you're not getting what you need. What can be less reasonable is casting the other as the source of that lack. IOW, it may be you find there's serious disagreement on my second point up there -- it may be he really feels the pattern of your depression/anxiety issues is yours to focus on as a kind of subset of (or parallel track to) dealing with how you handle one another. All of which is where a counselor can help.
posted by seaward at 12:29 PM on February 11, 2010
What you've been going through sounds terribly stressful. And precisely like the kinds of things in a marriage that can make you both feel quite isolated, despite being together. That can lead to all sorts of lonely stuff wherein neither of you feel you're getting what you need from the other. It's completely reasonable and legit to feel that you're not getting what you need. What can be less reasonable is casting the other as the source of that lack. IOW, it may be you find there's serious disagreement on my second point up there -- it may be he really feels the pattern of your depression/anxiety issues is yours to focus on as a kind of subset of (or parallel track to) dealing with how you handle one another. All of which is where a counselor can help.
posted by seaward at 12:29 PM on February 11, 2010
I will tell you something you are likely to hear in counseling: women tend to want to talk about how they feel bad, while men tend to want to try to fix the problem or suggest a fix. The effort to fix or suggest a fix is an expression of love and caring, but some of us women miss it because we just want to talk about our feelings without being pushed and prodded.
If counseling isn't feasible for you, I'd suggest a serious talk about this style conflict and how to resolve it after something you both enjoy and find relaxing like a nice dinner together.
As you recognize, you are going to have to work on changing some of your own behavior. This is no an overnight thing, it takes some effort and often involves some failure. Rather like changing the way one eats.
Good luck. That you two love each other is a great big advantage.
posted by bearwife at 12:32 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If counseling isn't feasible for you, I'd suggest a serious talk about this style conflict and how to resolve it after something you both enjoy and find relaxing like a nice dinner together.
As you recognize, you are going to have to work on changing some of your own behavior. This is no an overnight thing, it takes some effort and often involves some failure. Rather like changing the way one eats.
Good luck. That you two love each other is a great big advantage.
posted by bearwife at 12:32 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Treat yourself better. Take some time out, do something just for you, get more rest, go for a walk. The more stressed I am, the more stressful I find things, and the grumpier I get about them.
Treat your husband better when you are NOT grumpy. If you've lost the habit of showing you appreciate him, or scheduling time to do something fun together, try to get back in it.
Separate from that, take some time to talk about things when you are not grumpy.
Remember to ask for what you want. If you want to rant, start off saying "Can I just rant at you for a bit? I don't want you to help with the situation, I just need to vent". If a polite "I need some quiet time right now" doesn't work, go with a calm direct request "I love you. Please can you leave me alone right now. We can talk about it later".
posted by emilyw at 1:08 PM on February 11, 2010
Treat your husband better when you are NOT grumpy. If you've lost the habit of showing you appreciate him, or scheduling time to do something fun together, try to get back in it.
Separate from that, take some time to talk about things when you are not grumpy.
Remember to ask for what you want. If you want to rant, start off saying "Can I just rant at you for a bit? I don't want you to help with the situation, I just need to vent". If a polite "I need some quiet time right now" doesn't work, go with a calm direct request "I love you. Please can you leave me alone right now. We can talk about it later".
posted by emilyw at 1:08 PM on February 11, 2010
When folks here are suggesting counseling, they're doing so because it really is the best answer for your situation. But also, I'd say you need to let your husband know that you regret some of the things you say and some of the behaviors your interactions evince. Speaking to each other honestly and carefully about your regrets in this area may let him know that you don't like the way that you're responding, and he may honestly not yet know this. To that end, you may want to consider showing him this post, because it reads as a very honest, heartfelt, and tender admission. As others have noted here, it's clear that the writer (i.e. you) loves her husband very much. And as bad as marital difficulties can get, it's also true that honest love can help resolve those difficulties.
Best of luck. If you both work at it, you can get into synch.
posted by deejay jaydee at 1:15 PM on February 11, 2010
Best of luck. If you both work at it, you can get into synch.
posted by deejay jaydee at 1:15 PM on February 11, 2010
Counseling might work, but in my experience, some people just don't work well together. Even good, caring, loving people can get together and consistently bring out the worst in each other and treat each other poorly. Best of luck to you.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:19 PM on February 11, 2010
posted by coolguymichael at 1:19 PM on February 11, 2010
follow-up from the OP
Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I'm sorry for not specifying in the original question that CBT therapy is not an option at the moment. There is no one practicing CBT therapy where I live. Most of the counseling here is faith based which is not appropriate for my husband and I. I'm really looking for suggestions on how to mend my behaviour such as that provided by Jazzwich. Hopefully sometime in the future couples counseling will be an option. I want us to still be a couple when it is.posted by jessamyn at 1:47 PM on February 11, 2010
Caveat: I'm a male.
Remember the book, "Men are From Mars Women Are From Venus"? I read it a long time ago, but I do remember its main point which seems to generally address the problems you have explained. You didn't provide very many details about your husband, but from what information you do provide he sounds like the standard version of male in terms of temperament. How often and for how long do you require sympathy? More than once every 1-2 days? Maybe you are asking your husband to be somebody that he is not able to be? I'm a man and I have limited abilities in being sympathetic and most of my male friends are equally bad at being sympathetic. I can do it, but it's an uncomfortable place and if it's happening frequently and for long periods of time then I start to feel a bit helpless and that I need to do some problem solving (i.e. fix it). Anyway, the Mars/Venus book has alot of mixed reviews and it came out a long time ago, but I'm throwing it out there because the general thesis makes sense to me.
Also, the rubber band thing is not a bad idea. It sounds like you are being mildly abusive and, don't be too hard on yourself, but you need to initiate that step forward towards a respectful relationship. Don't forget the golden rule.
If your husband is mentally or physically abusive to you then none of this advice applies and you should leave him.
posted by surfgator at 2:01 PM on February 11, 2010
Remember the book, "Men are From Mars Women Are From Venus"? I read it a long time ago, but I do remember its main point which seems to generally address the problems you have explained. You didn't provide very many details about your husband, but from what information you do provide he sounds like the standard version of male in terms of temperament. How often and for how long do you require sympathy? More than once every 1-2 days? Maybe you are asking your husband to be somebody that he is not able to be? I'm a man and I have limited abilities in being sympathetic and most of my male friends are equally bad at being sympathetic. I can do it, but it's an uncomfortable place and if it's happening frequently and for long periods of time then I start to feel a bit helpless and that I need to do some problem solving (i.e. fix it). Anyway, the Mars/Venus book has alot of mixed reviews and it came out a long time ago, but I'm throwing it out there because the general thesis makes sense to me.
Also, the rubber band thing is not a bad idea. It sounds like you are being mildly abusive and, don't be too hard on yourself, but you need to initiate that step forward towards a respectful relationship. Don't forget the golden rule.
If your husband is mentally or physically abusive to you then none of this advice applies and you should leave him.
posted by surfgator at 2:01 PM on February 11, 2010
I've been where you are and I turned outside our marriage for emotional support after about year seven or so. My husband was initially upset not to seem like my end-all/be-all anymore, but he learned to deal with it. We'll be celebrating our twenty-fourth anniversary this year.
Some things that helped: 1) He pointed out when my tone of voice was less than friendly, something that I was not fully aware of. He helped me improve my overall demeanor, even with other people, and smoothed off some of my rough edges over the course of a year or so. 2) I gave him a chance to be helpful and supportive in his own ways. For instance, I went elsewhere for advice for a while, but he gladly kept my computer running and picked up some extra chores.
Eventually, the issue that sent me off to other people resolved itself after three or four years. It helped that he later said that he hadn't handled my emotions well and had learned a lot from the experience. It also helped that he gave me the space I needed, however reluctantly at first.
posted by rw at 2:44 PM on February 11, 2010
Some things that helped: 1) He pointed out when my tone of voice was less than friendly, something that I was not fully aware of. He helped me improve my overall demeanor, even with other people, and smoothed off some of my rough edges over the course of a year or so. 2) I gave him a chance to be helpful and supportive in his own ways. For instance, I went elsewhere for advice for a while, but he gladly kept my computer running and picked up some extra chores.
Eventually, the issue that sent me off to other people resolved itself after three or four years. It helped that he later said that he hadn't handled my emotions well and had learned a lot from the experience. It also helped that he gave me the space I needed, however reluctantly at first.
posted by rw at 2:44 PM on February 11, 2010
Re-word your original post so that it is less accusatory and fatalistic and give it to him. It would be a cold person who could ignore that.
Occasionally, I will "pre-confess" that I fear I may do action X at some point in the future toward my confessor; I find this useful because it prevents me from later lying to myself about the fact of having done X. Indeed, the pre-confession is usually enough to prevent me doing X at all.
As to the empathy / fix-it dilemma, get a girlfriend. Generally speaking, men and women differ radically in this axis and you aren't likely to change his response. Be explicit, say "I do not wish for a solution to this, I would just like you to listen because it is important to me that you do"; that can work wonders, as does most honesty and openness in a relationship.
This may sound trite and kinda 1970s, but a token object which means "I now hold the floor, no interruptions allowed" passed back and forth in a discussion can yield useful dialog rather than devolving in a puddle of mutual accusations.
posted by fydfyd at 3:10 PM on February 11, 2010
Occasionally, I will "pre-confess" that I fear I may do action X at some point in the future toward my confessor; I find this useful because it prevents me from later lying to myself about the fact of having done X. Indeed, the pre-confession is usually enough to prevent me doing X at all.
As to the empathy / fix-it dilemma, get a girlfriend. Generally speaking, men and women differ radically in this axis and you aren't likely to change his response. Be explicit, say "I do not wish for a solution to this, I would just like you to listen because it is important to me that you do"; that can work wonders, as does most honesty and openness in a relationship.
This may sound trite and kinda 1970s, but a token object which means "I now hold the floor, no interruptions allowed" passed back and forth in a discussion can yield useful dialog rather than devolving in a puddle of mutual accusations.
posted by fydfyd at 3:10 PM on February 11, 2010
Mars/Venus is BS. There is more variation within a gender than there is between genders. People are people, in all sorts of flavors.
Read this.
Do this together.
posted by moira at 3:42 PM on February 11, 2010
Read this.
Do this together.
posted by moira at 3:42 PM on February 11, 2010
Something I'm trying that seems to be slowly changing a dynamic in my life is to apologise for my part in the madness. Just, "I'm sorry I over-reacted", without the "but..... some of it was your fault too" that I used to add.
Also, realise that someone who loves you will not intentionally try to hurt you unless they are already hurting. This is relevant to you too. You treat him badly because he hurt you. You have to try to change your reaction from hurting him back to addressing the initial problem.
posted by kjs4 at 4:10 PM on February 11, 2010
Also, realise that someone who loves you will not intentionally try to hurt you unless they are already hurting. This is relevant to you too. You treat him badly because he hurt you. You have to try to change your reaction from hurting him back to addressing the initial problem.
posted by kjs4 at 4:10 PM on February 11, 2010
Looking at your first concern: that your husband doesn't "hear" you when you say you need "insert some request". Are you making the request when you're having a hard time, are you requesting what you need in the middle of the hard time? I ask because, in my experience, I am not my most explicit, clear and calm when I am having a hard time. Mix that with the fact that I am trying to relate/communicate with people who I am super close to and feel really comfortable with and I just sound like an unintelligible screeching monkey. I don't do well trying to be calm and communicative when in the middle of a hard time. Not sure if you have the same experience, but, what I've learned is to ask for what I need when I am calm and they are able to hear what I need. Generally, I wait until I can be clear to say what I need when I am not clear. It has worked.
Looking at your second concern: That your husband is a fixer and not a sympathizer. I hate to generalize, I really do, but I would say that most of the men I know look at challenges as something to be solved once the challenge has been identified. I do not regularly operate that way, needing to process first before solving, and have been often frustrated in conversations where I needed someone to listen and not provide a series of solutions. You are on the right path in terms of getting your needs met. Recognizing that your husband can not possibly fulfill all your emotional needs is going to carry you a long way. Relying on friends, family and even a therapist can assist in getting those needs met(I recognize that therapy is not an option right now for you and your family.)
Changing behavior is a long and arduous road but very rewarding. To change you have to make conscious efforts to see what triggers you and eventually make another choice. Both of you are conditioned to your current dynamic. You love him. You love each other, that is a great spring board to making compassionate change. Spend sometime each day focusing on why you love him( pick up the practice of doing it right after you get up, if that works for you.) That can help balance out your constant thoughts of why he annoys you.
And, good for you for having a person in your life who you can figure this kind of stuff out with! Someone who is present in your life and will stick with you as you go through this journey. A good number of us want that so recognize how lucky you are. Also worth mentioning is that you asked this question! You are pretty self-aware.
posted by Hydrofiend at 7:32 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Looking at your second concern: That your husband is a fixer and not a sympathizer. I hate to generalize, I really do, but I would say that most of the men I know look at challenges as something to be solved once the challenge has been identified. I do not regularly operate that way, needing to process first before solving, and have been often frustrated in conversations where I needed someone to listen and not provide a series of solutions. You are on the right path in terms of getting your needs met. Recognizing that your husband can not possibly fulfill all your emotional needs is going to carry you a long way. Relying on friends, family and even a therapist can assist in getting those needs met(I recognize that therapy is not an option right now for you and your family.)
Changing behavior is a long and arduous road but very rewarding. To change you have to make conscious efforts to see what triggers you and eventually make another choice. Both of you are conditioned to your current dynamic. You love him. You love each other, that is a great spring board to making compassionate change. Spend sometime each day focusing on why you love him( pick up the practice of doing it right after you get up, if that works for you.) That can help balance out your constant thoughts of why he annoys you.
And, good for you for having a person in your life who you can figure this kind of stuff out with! Someone who is present in your life and will stick with you as you go through this journey. A good number of us want that so recognize how lucky you are. Also worth mentioning is that you asked this question! You are pretty self-aware.
posted by Hydrofiend at 7:32 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
First, apologize immediately, or as immediately as you recognize what you've done. Try to get the time between being nasty and apologizing as small as possible, and there may come a day when you almost apologize before saying the thing. Ideally, you're learning to associate the insult and the apology so closely that you can't do one without thinking of the other, which will hopefully help you hesitate long enough to not do it.
Second, realize that you're showing your child that nastiness is part of love. Your child could end up on either side of that equation as an adult. Just as you'd do anything in your power to protect them from an outside person who was teaching them that, protect them from yourself. Show them something else.
posted by palliser at 8:23 PM on February 11, 2010
Second, realize that you're showing your child that nastiness is part of love. Your child could end up on either side of that equation as an adult. Just as you'd do anything in your power to protect them from an outside person who was teaching them that, protect them from yourself. Show them something else.
posted by palliser at 8:23 PM on February 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jazzwick at 11:41 AM on February 11, 2010