Why can't I just shoot everyone in the head, exactly?

January 11, 2010 8:19 AM

Need help with untying a few knots.

I'm in need of a bit of therapy, I think. However, as soon as anyone tries to give me any kind of sage advice in person, I have to restrain the urge to attack them.

So I'm asking over the internet, where I can deal with whatever responses come to pass, but won't end up going to prison again.

My quandary is this: I have a real problem with emotional attachment. And no, not the standard guy version of this.

Caring about people seems to cause me no end of pain. My siblings, nieces and nephews all live in my country of origin, and we all miss eachother terribly.

I care about them so damn much, but have to be in this country as I have a daughter here.

I went home to be a carer for my mother as she died, and after we buried her I spent two years in prison.

Now I'm out, and am with my daughter again - she's eight. Missing her made my time in prison even more of a hell than I thought was possible. Inside its possible to be somewhat happy, as long as you leave your humanity at the gate. I couldn't do that, I couldn't stop caring about her welfare and hoping she was ok.

So now I'm with her, but the distance to my family back home kills me just like the distance to my daughter killed me in jail. Its the same damn feeling, and I just can't shake it.

I have a new partner; a beautiful, kind woman, everything I could have ever asked for in a person. I make her life hell, and any time I sense any vulnerability to her I squash it like a bug and shut her out.

All I want to do is walk out the door, get on a plane, and remove all semblance of emotional connection from my life. Ditch my phone, my car, my possessions, and start anew.

I'm a guy, we do this all the time. Just up and leave, never to be seen again.

Father of the goddamn year material, right here. Boyfriend of the same. Brother also. All this failure I'm trying as hard as I can to suck up stoically, but as a result I'm brimming with psychotic urges all the damn time.

I don't know how to reconcile emotional attachment with the ensuing pain of betrayal, abandonment and inadequacy.

I want to make everyone happy, but I can't.

I don't accept this situation though, I just find it untenable.

All this just makes me want to shoot random people in the head, or attack them with my teeth and rip out their throats.

I need to unknot, I just don't know how.

posted by kumara to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Please, please talk to someone knowledgeable, a therapist or counselor, about these feelings you are having.

It is not unusual for someone in your position--just out of prison and in a new town--to experience sensory overload, and caring for first your mother and now your daughter has you emotionally wrought. Venting is healthy. Bottling up these feelings until you just want to explode, as you do now, is NOT healthy.

I know you say you can't handle advice, but if you go to someone trained in counseling and tell them of your anger and resentment, they will be far better prepared to deal with it and help you through this reaction so that you can come to grips with it and really get some helpful advice.

Truly, therapy was made for you. Take advantage of it!
posted by misha at 8:26 AM on January 11, 2010

Seek help from a therapist.
posted by bunny hugger at 8:31 AM on January 11, 2010

Kumara: In reading your question, I noticed that towards the end, there, you switched from "how do I put up with the pain of having to be separated from people" to "how do I stay put when I don't want to", and then you go on to "I hate myself". That's given me a feeling that neither of those questions is the actual problem you're experiencing.

In other words, it sounds like the reason you don't know HOW to "unknot" is because right now you're not entirely certain about WHAT to "unknot." Because if this were simply about "how do I cope with my family being in one country and my daughter being in another country," the obvious solution is "move me and my daughter to the same country as my family."

But I noticed that you beat yourself up a bit ("father of the year material, right here...."), and I'm wondering whether your feelings about your own self may be the problem...themselves, rather than trying to figure out what to do. Because if you really do have that angry feeling about yourself going on in your head all the time, it's probably clouding your ability to think more clearly about what to do everywhere else.

I know everyone says "get therapy", but I really think it could help -- because I promise you that there's something about the way you feel about yourself that is probably complicating things, and a therapist could help you sort that out, and once that's sorted it'll be easier to see what to do about the other issues you're coping with.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 AM on January 11, 2010

Nobody on the internet is prepared to give you the kind of advice and help you are looking for. The "knots" you have are complicated and deep and you need to talk to a professional who knows how to help you. Don't look at it like you're getting advice from someone, look at it as though you're going to the doctor or the dentist. They're there to help people get through these exact situations. Also, depending on where you are and your specific situation, it could be free.

The best way to help your daughter and be the father/boyfriend/family member/friend you want to be is to see a therapist as soon as possible.
posted by a.steele at 8:42 AM on January 11, 2010

I don't know how to reconcile emotional attachment with the ensuing pain of betrayal, abandonment and inadequacy.

You are very aware. A lot of people ignore these facts. You've got a grip on them, painful as it is.

Therapy is really your best bet.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:45 AM on January 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

I want to make everyone happy, but I can't.

Most of us want this, but no one can actually do it by themselves. It may be time to accept that while you want everyone to be happy, you are not responsible for making that happen.

You are responsible for not making them miserable, within reason. What does that mean? It means taking physical, financial and emotional care of your daughter, but it does not mean spoiling her because she is crying for (a toy/a dvd/a sleepover). It means not shutting out your partner when you feel vulnerable, but also asking for the space you need and explaining to her why you need it. Most of all, I think it means doing the (very hard) work on yourself to avoid having dysfunctional relationships with anyone that you love.

I don't know how to reconcile emotional attachment with the ensuing pain of betrayal, abandonment and inadequacy.
All relationships come to an end, as do all good and bad things. If you can work to accept that, you can also understand that while it is painful to see them end, it was worth that pain to have all of the joy the relationship brought into your life. It was painful to lose your mother, but you would not give up that pain if it meant also giving up all the happiness and love that came with her.
posted by soelo at 8:47 AM on January 11, 2010

and here I thought you were seeking a marlin spike. Anyway, with emotions this strong it is going to be difficult to make headway without getting some professional help. Please do that. Do it for yourself. Do it for your daughter. Do it for the new girl friend. Don't run, don't shut anyone out, just get a therapist and start discussing these issues. It will take time and it will not be easy. Best of luck to you.
posted by caddis at 8:56 AM on January 11, 2010

All this just makes me want to shoot random people in the head, or attack them with my teeth and rip out their throats.

I need to unknot, I just don't know how.

If you were jailed for a violent act the last time you were under this kind of family-based stress ("I went home to be a carer for my mother as she died, and after we buried her I spent two years in prison"), run, don't walk, to your nearest therapist/mental health center/etc.

(If your offense was a property or drug crime, you would still benefit from a professional--this question is way beyond what AskMe is good for. Best of luck to you--life can be very hard.)
posted by availablelight at 9:56 AM on January 11, 2010

I'm in need of a bit of therapy, I think. However, as soon as anyone tries to give me any kind of sage advice in person, I have to restrain the urge to attack them.

I agree with you that therapy can help you deal with the feels your are experiencing. So it seems that the trick is to find a way to make therapy work given your current emotional state. I have two ideas.

1. Therapy is not necessarily [you talk] [therapist gives sage advice]. Sometimes therapy is [you talk] [therapist asks a question] [you talk more, and in putting your thoughts and feelings into works start to gain real insight into why you're the way you are and how to adapt]. That's just one example. Therapy can take many, many forms. Giving advice, to me, is more the concept of life coaching. So first, re-imagine what therapy is.

2. Call up a bunch of therapists and tell them: 1) as soon as anyone tries to give me any kind of sage advice in person, I have to restrain the urge to attack them, 2) any time I sense any vulnerability to my girlfriend I squash it like a bug and shut her out. These are clearly the two biggest obstacles to your engagement in a beneficial therapeutic relationship (rage + resistance to vulnerability/openness). So put that out there right away and ask them: 1) do you think you can help me given these issues, and 2) tell me how you would help me/describe how our sessions would work.

Keep calling until you find a therapist who can help you and describes a model for sessions that you think you can deal with.


Whatever underlying issues are causing you to be troubled are beyond this community's ability to help. However, I am sure you can overcome these problems with the help of a good therapist. I wish you good luck.
posted by prefpara at 10:03 AM on January 11, 2010

feels=feelings
works=words

I will seek typing therapy. Sorry for the mistakes.
posted by prefpara at 10:04 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

These two things really struck me:

I'm a guy, we do this all the time. Just up and leave, never to be seen again.

and

All this just makes me want to shoot random people in the head, or attack them with my teeth and rip out their throats.

I don't think guys leave all the time, especially never to be seen again. You also want to release violence on random strangers. Everyone has random mean thoughts from time to time, but this seems especially violent and well thought out. In light of your time in prison, both of the above statements sound like huge warning signs.

I'm glad you want to get help for yourself. It's a good step to admit that you have a problem. I truly think you need therapy and as soon as possible.

The main tip I can give you for now is to communicate your feelings to your girlfriend through writing and ask her to do the same with you. Maybe that would give you both the time to process what is being communicated without shutting the other person out.

I would also like to point out that you can have close relationships with family when you are separated by long distances. I know people who keep in close contact with family members all over the world. You do miss a lot of the day to day fun activities, but you can still share your life with your family and also offer each other emotional support even from a distance. If possible, maybe you could plan a couple trips a year to see them and have them come a couple of times a year to see you. That way you always have something to look forward to.

Good luck. Please take the almost unanimous advice here and seek therapy soon.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:07 PM on January 11, 2010

You describe a tremendous intensity of emotion that is typical of what we currently call bipolar illness. Interview therapists carefully by phone to find someone you can work with safely.
posted by theora55 at 2:13 PM on January 11, 2010

theora55, that's a huge leap.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:51 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: in reverse order:

@theora55: I would definitely be 'unsafe' to you right now, given proximity. Bipolar is a pretty huge insult, and I wouldn't take it lightly if delivered in person. I've had a number of good friends over the years go batshit insane via bipolar; good times. I don't think my mind is lying to me the way theirs did, and in general I'm ok with the intensity of my emotion; I'd rather face things in as authentic a fashion as possible, than ever in any way medicate my sense of the world into a game of second-guesswork.

@parakeetdog: I've been to jail, and am from the wrong side of the tracks. In my world men frequently leave their families, for a host of reasons, and they make their exit in many different ways. Stranger violence is a prison thing; in jail, if anyone shows you any outward sign of annoyance, or pity, or pretty much anything that isn't detached respect, you attack them. Thats just how it is. Also, you spend two years hating the civilized world and everyone in it, wanting only to enact your torment onto the uncaring horde who allow such a hell to exist, be it tacitly or approvingly. Your comment on long distance relationships is good, and I've done alot of it in the last decade. It can be good, but its not the same. Accepting that your closest family will become steadily more unknown to you is a bitter pill.

@prefpara: life-coaching is pretty much anathema to me, so your perspective for reframing my perception of therapy is good. The whole positive thinking, law-of-attraction crowd maddens me no end; I'm sorely tempted to attend their meetings and assault and rape them en-masse, and then place the blame on them for being the negative antennas or whatever the hell nonsense.

@availablelight: Don't tell me what to do. No seriously. I may well be a headcase, but I'll still attack for you saying it in such an indirect manner. Your sense of urgency in regards my state of mental health serves only to inflame my response to you. Tell me directly that I'm a donkey on the edge, and I'll understand and respect you for it. Tell me to run away flailing my hands in alarm and I'll be sorely tempted to do exactly the opposite.

@soelo: I might well have given it up, with hindsight. Nursing a person to death is a thing I will not do again. Having your own saint of a mother turn into a foul, twisted animal by pain medication and delirium was not good. Handling her rancid, stinking corpse onto the coroner's gurney was truly, profoundly awful.

@EmpressCallipygos: I can't move back, for a host of reasons. My daughters life is here, her mother is here, her mothers inlaws are here. Its not a simple call. Also, I'm not ok with your psychoanalysis. I have a problem with this, in general. Hence, my quandary.

@misha: Thank you, a great first post. Therapy is hard for me to accept. They had group hug sessions in prison, which I refused, with prejudice. I had seen a therapist before returning to home then prison originally, but all we ended up doing was going into my childhood traumas, which are voluminous and for even the counsellor were pretty shocking. By the time we got to current matters, it was time for me to fly out. I've got a series of knots to deal with, I know this. I'm just not at all interested in the past. I know it matters, but I'm ok with it, and feel like I source my strength from it. I like that what I've been through was tough, its made me a harder person for it, which I consider a good thing. This makes me a braggart and a boor at times, yes. But it also makes me feel powerful. I find the weakness of human vulnerability distasteful, a source of snivelling and shame. I have feelings for people, I just don't like that part within me all that much. I like and love people, I really do. I just find my own existence and shallow, oblivious, pandering cowardice a source of great consternation and instability.
posted by kumara at 3:57 PM on January 11, 2010

Best answer: If your therapist is shocked by your childhood traumas, find another therapist. People who are shocked and appalled aren't going to be good help. I swear to you that they're out there.

In my planet, the folks in NA are good resources for therapists and other professionals who can handle the heavier stuff, like prison, childhood families that go beyond dysfunctional, and career choices that people here will think only exist in movies. An NA meeting or the NA call in number might be useful even if you don't need it for its primary purpose. (You'd probably have to stay for the after-meeting coffee chat, since it won't come up in the regular meeting.) This is a guess, but if you can find a meeting on the wrong side of the tracks, or maybe better yet, borderline, that's the one I'd try first.

The point of professional help or some other version, like the 12 Step meetings that have saved my family, is to keep the good stuff that comes out of a hard childhood but lose the stuff that's getting in your way. Yes- you don't want to lose the alertness, the strength, the willingness to do what has to be done, all those things. They were hard won and are worth hanging on to (I'm not sure you could lose them if you tried but what do I know?). But you might be interested in losing, for instance, the part that makes you so hard that emotions are either nothing or all-consuming and the part where you're so overwhelmed that violence seems like the only outlet.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:13 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: If your therapist is shocked by your childhood traumas, find another therapist.

This is exactly right. It sounds like you have encountered several kinds of therapy that were not right for you. However, it is my understanding that there are therapists who are experienced in the areas that are relevant to you and who can 1) handle your life story and 2) help you, not by telling you what to do, giving you advice, or coaching you, but either by listening/asking leading questions or by adopting another approach acceptable to you. Therapy does not have to be an exploration of the past, by the way. This is merely one approach of many.

Are you open to therapy as a potential way to deal with these issues? Are there other solutions that you have considered?
posted by prefpara at 6:27 PM on January 11, 2010

Response by poster: My alternatives to therapy are pretty limited. I know this, so I'm open to it, somewhat.

I beat the shit out of a guy a while back, and I felt guilty as hell about it afterwards; I really did a number on him. That road leads back to hell, and I was lucky to get away with it. Prison really is an option I consider alot; just letting go of my rage and being swallowed by the system again.

I won't do drugs or take any kind of medication, so yeah look I'll close this up and hopefully take a shot at a counsellor or whatever. I hate sharing private information with people, I don't really talk to anyone about anything that is going on in my life. Some random person I can walk away from and never see again is probably as good an option as any.

Thanks all, and good luck with your own lives; hopefully you won't need it.
posted by kumara at 7:46 PM on January 11, 2010

@theora55: I would definitely be 'unsafe' to you right now, given proximity. Bipolar is a pretty huge insult, and I wouldn't take it lightly if delivered in person. I've had a number of good friends over the years go batshit insane via bipolar; good times. I don't think my mind is lying to me the way theirs did, and in general I'm ok with the intensity of my emotion; I'd rather face things in as authentic a fashion as possible, than ever in any way medicate my sense of the world into a game of second-guesswork.

Kumara, if my words are so powerful to you that they would inspire violence, you should be seeking serious intervention. Bipolar is an overused diagnosis. But I would describe your behavior as very intense emotion, and intense reaction. Bipolar disorder can be viewed as a spectrum, with some people experiencing extremes, others less so. Your mind and body are telling you that violence is the correct response to your problems. Right now, violence will exacerbate your problems, and violence is your problem.

Your violent imagery, rage and repeated interest in returning to prison are very clear signals that you are in serious need of intervention. I hope you are able to seek and accept assistance. My words are sincere, and written in good faith.
posted by theora55 at 11:47 AM on January 12, 2010

kumara the way you're writing here is terrifying. Really, I'm hoping that the Maori word you've chosen for your username does not mean you're in my country. The way you're writing here, basically threatening other users as well as talking about enacting your violent fantasies, is unacceptable and not even close to normal. You most definitely need medical help, yes possibly including medication, and this is beyond just a touchy-feely therapy may make you feel better situation. You're dangerous and need to get help to stop being dangerous.

Mental health hotlines would be a good place to find resources if you don't know where else to go. Even one that's not quite right, like for depression or whatever, will have lists of more appropriate resources you can contact. You should also look into rage counselling rather than therapy per se. Programs or therapists more specifically used to dealing with these issues should have a better idea of how to help you while keeping both you and them safe, plus they'll have seen it before so won't be shocked. If you really think you're going to act out one of these things then go to the ER and tell them. Even ringing the police would be better than giving in and ruining not just your life but those of innocent people.

This shit is serious.
posted by shelleycat at 8:53 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]