Don't want to lose myself in the music, the moment, etc.

January 6, 2010 11:30 PM

After an extremely favorable turn of events, I have been approved to intern at a non-profit in Tanzania. Family is worried about culture shock and my small history of past anxiety in new situations. I'd absolutely love to go, but fear that somehow I would find myself in a similar situation as before: anxious and possibly homesick. Is anxiety medication the answer for me? (obvious YANMD)

To make a long story short, I bailed out of a long-term religious commitment for (among other reasons of judgment) anxiety in my new situation. I went from short sleeves and jeans to suits, and from school/ fun to unbearably long days of religious study and preaching. Within a week I was feeling miserable/emotionally fragile and removed myself from the situation. I am on a mild antidepressant (trazodone aka desyrel), but have avoided anti-anxiety medication for the same reason that some people avoid drinking: I feared that I would use it a social crutch. Now I see things differently.

Fast forward 7 months: Since my religious leave I have only had one similar experience. On a two week roadtrip in the fall I felt homesick/anxious/uneasy temporarily (and in a more subtle way).

I have occasional social anxiety, but no more than an average person, I'm sure. I'm shy at times, but usually very assertive and outgoing. I have been working through the Feeling Good Handbook (praise askmefi) and feel I have a good handle on my emotions and internal dialogue.

I feel like this situation is different in that I am not committed for a great amount of time and it's something that will be enjoyable to me. I love travelling, adore other cultures, and love the sights/etc. that will be available at my new location. For work, I'll be doing activities that I love, like web design and community teaching. I won't be preaching material I'm not sure I believe in. Those characteristics were absent in the past.

To make things better, I'd live with my current roommate/best friend in the home of a welcoming family in the city.

I'm not afraid of airplanes and have flown a longer flight than this before.

But my fear: unlike leaving my religious situation where I was less than an hour from home, if I had a problem in Tanzania it could be extremely inconvenient and costly for me as a student to cut the trip (+/- 4 months) short. I have a ridiculous amount of family in nearby South Africa, however. I'd love to visit them when I finish (and catch the world cup!)

I'm sure that this is what I want to do with my life and direction I want to go, but fear the tragedy proposed by my family that would be landing in Dar Es Salaam and feeling horrible within a few days for unrelated reasons.

I get a (required) set of college credits for this experience, and if I don't go now, I will need to go somewhere else in the future, and without the benefit of living with a close friend/travel companion.

I know that YANMD, but I know the wealth of knowledge that askmefi is regarding anxiety and travel, and humbly ask your advice. I have access to doctors/psychologists/etc. and will consult with them a great deal in the coming weeks.

Would an anti-anxiety prescription take the edge off of adapting to a new place? I know that once I am acclimated I will thoroughly enjoy myself anyway.

OR

Would I be better off letting this opportunity pass and coming at it later?

(relevant anecdotal experience welcomed)

If you would prefer to remain private, throwaway e-mail: [e-mail]

Thanks in advance! (sorry for length)

posted by bradly to Human Relations (14 answers total)

If nothing else, it sounds like you want to do the work that's been set out for you in Tanzania, where you didn't really want to be doing intense study in suits and so on on your religious assignment. That alone may help with your adjustment.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 11:37 PM on January 6, 2010

I think it's more likely that learning some relaxation techniques will be helpful if you get bouts of anxiety--much more so than medication. Medication works, sure, but you store relaxation techniques in your head, so you can use them when you don't have medication on you, when you run out of medication, when the medication gets held up at the airport or customs or something, when you can't afford to get sort of groggy/sleepy from the medication... etc.

While this is a great area to work on with a therapist (because therapists, especially those who work extensively with anxiety, tend to have wide knowledge of effective techniques to share), you can certainly do some research on your own, too. Breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness meditation, yoga, guided imagery, visualization techniques, relaxation response... there are about a zillion things to try.
posted by so_gracefully at 11:47 PM on January 6, 2010

Best answer: Let me check my understanding... Previously, you were somewhere new, doing something you were uncomfortable with, on your own, and had to cut it short for reasons of anxiety. This time you'll be somewhere new, doing work you like, living with a good friend. You need to do something like this for your college credit, and if you wait for a future option you'll probably not get an offer which involves sharing accommodation with someone you know and like.

Go for it. Being away from home is an anxious matter. Sleep problems for a few nights are utterly normal. Feeling homesick is utterly normal. If you want to lead a life trying to avoid these emotions, fine, but it will be a less interesting life. I can honestly say that living away from home is a terrifying and challenging thing and at the same time one of the most fulfilling things I have done. And it's only 4 months.

I can't comment in-depth on the medication part of your question as I have no experience of taking anxiety meds. However you should be wary of extrapolating from one past experience to a future one which is similar in a few respects. If you do arrive in Tanzania, and get hit by that wave of heat when you get off the plane, and the new smells, and everyone speaking a different language, and the strange buildings, and the sounds of birds you've never heard before... you can label your physical and emotional response as "anxiety" or "excitement" or any number of other things, but it's probably entirely normal. Try not to have "am I anxious?" going round and round in your head because it has a way of becoming a self-fulfilling question.
posted by handee at 11:49 PM on January 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

Would an anti-anxiety prescription take the edge off of adapting to a new place? I know that once I am acclimated I will thoroughly enjoy myself anyway.
OR
Would I be better off letting this opportunity pass and coming at it later?

OR
Would you be better accepting this challenge for growth, education and pleasure and succeeding on your own terms? I vote for the latter. As so_gracefully explained, meditation will be your friend. Anxiety in and of itself is not a bad thing, it is how you respond to it that matters. Feel the anxiety and meditate through it. The rewards will be life lasting.

Just do it. And breathe. Anxious? Breathe. Homesick? Breathe. It is an amazing cure. Your confidence will bloom. Grasp the opportunity.
posted by Kerasia at 1:40 AM on January 7, 2010

Go for it, but be flexible.
My experience - Aged 18 I went to work in the developing world for a year. About 6 months in, I became incredibly lonely, self-doubting and miserable. I didn't even think about going home and stuck it out til the end. I think I did myself a lot of damage eg it was many years before I stopped having panic attacks etc.

This is all 15 years ago now. I do not regret going - I learned and grew and experienced so much. But I DO regret not being flexible with myself. At the 6 month mark I wish I'd have said 'If I still feel this bad in a month, I will go home.' It would have been expensive, but defenitely worth it (I've spent significantly more on shrink's bills!)

So my advice would be go for it, but make a Plan B just in case. Give yourself permission to go back home if you're not coping, then just go for it and have fun!
posted by sleepy boy at 4:04 AM on January 7, 2010

agree with handee. it is normal to feel anxious, and homesick. this is part of the experience, part of life. but you will spiritually grow tremendously from facing these problems by actually living through them and solving them. feeling homesick, you will find yourself creating friendships that will alleviate this feeling, for example, building on your ability to make new and solid connections with others.

if you feel that the anxiety will run very deep, medication may help you- but don't let the thought of it deter you from this experience you're clearly yearning for. your mind knows your needs- and now it's asking you to let it stretch a bit, to show it new horizons. you might very well find yourself getting depressed if you pass up this opportunity, and then what?

best of luck. by the way- i just left the usa to live abroad for a couple of years, have travelled before but never lived abroad. it's nerve wracking, and i got a beef intestine sandwich by pointing to a picture of what looked like a philly cheesesteak which i thought wasn't so great, but also i'm having a lot of fun.

best of luck.
posted by saraindc at 5:23 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

oh silly me- i got side tracked by reading answers and didn't really answer your question itself. maybe you should have a prescription medication for anxiety with you, in case you find yourself really needing it, but you don't have to necessarily use it until you're there and decide you do. have it available for use.
posted by saraindc at 5:25 AM on January 7, 2010

Culture shock is a different animal from anxiety. For most people it doesn't really set in until after two or three months. You may find yourself getting angry or grumpy about the fact that things are different. Irrational things like getting angry at signs for not being easily legible. Pissed off at the locals for doing that oh so cute greeting thing you loved when you first got there.

I spent a semester of college living in a small town in the North of Japan. Looking back on it I can say without hesitation that it was the most educational and person-building experience of my life. At one point I was on a train headed somewhere and was fairly sure that I had gotten on the wrong train and had no idea where I was. Panic started to set in. I was able to get it back under control by reminding myself that it was OK to get lost in Japan. People wouldn't think less of me. And plus, I'm lost on a train in Japan! How Neuromancer is that? Ultimately that Japan experience did a lot to make me a less anxious person. But it was won by being thrown into the deep end and learning to swim under duress.

Talk to your doctor about getting/renewing a scrip for some kind of anxiety meds in advance of going. It'll be a lot easier to take something with you that you may not need. If you do realize that you need a med, getting a scrip written and filled might feel like an insurmountable task at the time when you need it.
posted by Babblesort at 6:27 AM on January 7, 2010

Best answer: Before I went to Japan for a year in 2007 I was suffering a lot of anxiety, and it almost stopped me from going. Being alone in a faraway country where I knew no-one, having no family in near proximity whatsoever, and I didn't even know much Japanese, let alone how to read any kanji... it had me shaking in my boots. But I'd worked really hard to get that opportunity, and with great difficulty I steeled my resolve and went... and had one of the most amazing experience of my life living there.

I experienced occasional bouts of anxiety and homesickness, but the following really helped minimize it:
- Family time from teaching English part-time... for extra money I taught little kids english and would always spend extra time with the family afterwards, they'd feed me and we'd socialize. The family time especially helped me curb the anxiety of missing my own family.
- Skype and webcam chatting with my family and friends. Anytime I wanted to talk to them, I could see them face-to-face and it was cheaper than phone calls anyway :)
- lots of people around willing to make friends, both at work and at my residence... takes time but it's so worth it, I've got several friends-for-life around the world now, makes the rest of my traveling even better when I can visit them while abroad!

Given that you're going with your roomate AND will be staying with a family AND you will be doing work you love, GO!!! Not only because this seems like exactly the kind of setup you need to have a great experience, but also because each time you take a leap like this will be easier than before. Go (prepared with meds just in case, of course), and have a wonderful time.
posted by lizbunny at 6:39 AM on January 7, 2010

Best answer: Yes, yes, yes, go. Talk to the doctors you mentioned about your fears, but still, you should go. The anxiety you feel is completely normal, but you don't sound like the kind of person who will be satisfied if you spend your whole life avoiding situations where that might happen. Eventually, new situations won't get to you the same way, but you've got to take that first step. Because of the support network (prepping before hand, your friend who will be there, doing something you like), this seems like an ideal first step. And trust me, if you spend your whole life trying to avoid being homesick by staying at home, eventually you'll resent it so much you'll get sick of home.

So go. And good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:15 AM on January 7, 2010

Best answer: When I was 22, I left the US for a 1-year graduate programme in the UK. Within a few days of financial problems and homesickness, my anxiety kicked in and I nearly turned around, chucked it all in and flew home. I remember being on the phone to my mother, begging for her or anyone to give me an "out" so that I could come home. Luckily, she didn't, everyone I talked to told me to take the weekend to think about it, and after a few days I managed to get myself straightened out and decided to stay.

Six years later, I'm still living in the UK - I met my husband on that graduate programme, did my degree, got a good job, and love my life. And most importantly, I grew up a lot in that year of living alone in a new place. I was broke, I was lonely, and I cried a lot, but I came out the other side and learned that I had the ability to manage on my own. That was an invaluable lesson, and one that I very nearly didn't learn, because I nearly let my anxiety get the best of me.

So in short, I think you should take this opportunity and not walk all over eggshells with yourself. Anxiety is a big problem (for me, too), but it's not a reason that you can't live your life. I would suggest that you be realistic with yourself, accept that you might run into problems, but trust in the end you will have the support of your roommate and you'll be able to manage.

Go, and have a wonderful time!
posted by ukdanae at 9:18 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

NO to medication.

It sounds like your problem was/is with the religious aspect of your (previous) trip. I KNOW! what a bizarre concept! But that's the way it seems as you relate it.

Four Months this time, you say? GO ON AND FLY BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS!!!!

Worse case scenario? You are among folks who are engineered to look after your well-being.

Go on, challenge yourself! Focus more on the change in culture, less upon the work. Just GO.

You are stronger than you think, as evidenced by your wisdom to pose this question.

See ukdanae's answer, above!
posted by jbenben at 10:31 PM on January 7, 2010

Response by poster: As always, fantastic answers everyone! I waited to respond until I had something to add. For those curious, I met with a doctor and it looks like I'll be leaving for Tanzania in early February.
posted by bradly at 3:47 PM on January 14, 2010

I'm so pleased to hear it, bradly! Have a wonderful time!
posted by ukdanae at 3:52 PM on January 14, 2010