He's a special snowflake and I'm gray sludge
December 11, 2009 12:23 PM Subscribe
My partner is way, way smarter than me and basically never had to put in any effort to learn difficult material. I admire him for this, but I'm also incredibly jealous. I want to be a genius too. How do I deal?
I took a course through a community college (anatomy and physiology) this semester that I had to work so hard to ace. I went to a good university, earned my BA, and am enrolling in a postbac premed program next fall. It's going to be tough and I'm going to have to work super hard. The anatomy course I'm taking is just to get myself back in study mode for the postbac program and I'm putting a ton of time and effort into it.
When my partner saw my final exam (which I studied a TON for and aced only because I studied for four days straight) he was able to pick out the right answers from the short answer without having to use more than his general knowledge and vague recollections from the high school courses he took more than 15 years ago.
I know that I studied and put in a lot of effort because I was nervous not to know the material thoroughly, and I know I'm not as intelligent as he is (he aced the GREs by studying a sum total of 20 minutes while most people I know put in at least four weeks of intensive work). I'm also prone to worrying that I'm stupid and incapable. I'm very used to modeling myself after my older sister, who worked really hard (studying non-stop) to do well on the MCATs and in school, and I'm with someone who puts in minimal effort to do things the rest of us have to put intensive effort into.
I never compared myself to him before and I'm ashamed I'm starting now, when there really is no comparison at all. I'm afraid it's going to ruin my motivation. How do I accept that he's just extremely intelligent and I'm just average and have to work very hard, and be okay with it?
I took a course through a community college (anatomy and physiology) this semester that I had to work so hard to ace. I went to a good university, earned my BA, and am enrolling in a postbac premed program next fall. It's going to be tough and I'm going to have to work super hard. The anatomy course I'm taking is just to get myself back in study mode for the postbac program and I'm putting a ton of time and effort into it.
When my partner saw my final exam (which I studied a TON for and aced only because I studied for four days straight) he was able to pick out the right answers from the short answer without having to use more than his general knowledge and vague recollections from the high school courses he took more than 15 years ago.
I know that I studied and put in a lot of effort because I was nervous not to know the material thoroughly, and I know I'm not as intelligent as he is (he aced the GREs by studying a sum total of 20 minutes while most people I know put in at least four weeks of intensive work). I'm also prone to worrying that I'm stupid and incapable. I'm very used to modeling myself after my older sister, who worked really hard (studying non-stop) to do well on the MCATs and in school, and I'm with someone who puts in minimal effort to do things the rest of us have to put intensive effort into.
I never compared myself to him before and I'm ashamed I'm starting now, when there really is no comparison at all. I'm afraid it's going to ruin my motivation. How do I accept that he's just extremely intelligent and I'm just average and have to work very hard, and be okay with it?
You sound like my mom, and your partner sounds like my dad. Both of my parents are really smart and successful, but I've always admired my mom more. After she and my dad split up (not because of their different intellects!), my mom slowly and steadily put herself through law school while raising two teenagers. It wasn't glamorous, but I really respect her for it-- more than I respect my dad for just having a very fast-working brain, really.
Being really smart like your partner or my father is impressive, but a lot of life (even inside academia) is best approached from a patient, hardworking perspective-- which it sounds like you have naturally. It will pay off eventually, and once you get to medical school you will definitely appreciate the fact that you already know what hard work is.
posted by oinopaponton at 12:34 PM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Being really smart like your partner or my father is impressive, but a lot of life (even inside academia) is best approached from a patient, hardworking perspective-- which it sounds like you have naturally. It will pay off eventually, and once you get to medical school you will definitely appreciate the fact that you already know what hard work is.
posted by oinopaponton at 12:34 PM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
One reason Partner could go through the exam so easily is, he has nothing riding on it, while you were "nervous not to know the material thoroughly". How could that not be affecting you? And you did ace it! Do allow yourself some leeway. You're apparently no slouch; you just got into PreMed. Congratulations!
People aren't created equal and partnerships aren't about who is better or worse. His skills aren't better than yours; you two have different skills. He may know the stuff, or he may be really good at taking tests. What are your skills? Give yourself credit for those; he does - he chose you.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 12:39 PM on December 11, 2009
People aren't created equal and partnerships aren't about who is better or worse. His skills aren't better than yours; you two have different skills. He may know the stuff, or he may be really good at taking tests. What are your skills? Give yourself credit for those; he does - he chose you.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 12:39 PM on December 11, 2009
Yep, what French Fry said. School was always very easy to me, but my husband's creative mind is leaps and bounds beyond my own. Everyone has different talents, and book learning isn't the only signifier of intelligence. I'm sure there are things about you that your partner envies as well.
posted by something something at 12:39 PM on December 11, 2009
posted by something something at 12:39 PM on December 11, 2009
In my business I'll take a competent hard worker over a lazy genius any day of the week. Not saying your partner is lazy but there is a fear of failure that tends to limit the motivation of the highly intelligent that doesn't deter those with more average intelligence due to their healthier relationship with failure.
posted by any major dude at 12:40 PM on December 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by any major dude at 12:40 PM on December 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
There are probably a few things you could do that would improve your 'intelligence' in a myriad of areas. One of the things I've found that's incredibly useful when it comes to understanding nearly anything is a solid grounding in languages and etymology. This would be especially helpful in medical-related studies, but one can apply it to pretty much anything.
That said, you should realize that you're working under pressure to learn what you need to know; for him, it was just a fun exercise. This difference in pressure alters perspective and performance. Also, many remarkably intelligent people don't do as well in life as one would suspect - I reckon that being super intelligent is in many ways as serious a handicap as being kind of an idiot . . . the world wasn't built for the benefit of the super-smart! As you're obviously intelligent enough and a very hard worker, the world is really yours for the taking. In any relationship, one person's going to be smarter than the other - this is no big deal. Presumably he's your partner because you have something groovy going on, which makes you a special snowflake too.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 12:47 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
That said, you should realize that you're working under pressure to learn what you need to know; for him, it was just a fun exercise. This difference in pressure alters perspective and performance. Also, many remarkably intelligent people don't do as well in life as one would suspect - I reckon that being super intelligent is in many ways as serious a handicap as being kind of an idiot . . . the world wasn't built for the benefit of the super-smart! As you're obviously intelligent enough and a very hard worker, the world is really yours for the taking. In any relationship, one person's going to be smarter than the other - this is no big deal. Presumably he's your partner because you have something groovy going on, which makes you a special snowflake too.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 12:47 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
He's very good at Tests. That's different
I know several people who are exceptionally good at tests without being particularly knowledgeable or intelligent. It is an odd phenomena that deserves attention ... but ... give the poster some credit.
Some people are just stellar, they really are. If this person is living with one of them, better than derailing their concern rather dismissively, it might be better to assume the poster isn't relying on this single incident.
Here's my advice.
Unless the guy is a prick, then he is with you and values you for his own reasons. Have some faith in them and do as well as you can -- you are not going to become whatever it is that he is so just accept it as an interesting discovered fact and move on.
posted by rr at 12:47 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I know several people who are exceptionally good at tests without being particularly knowledgeable or intelligent. It is an odd phenomena that deserves attention ... but ... give the poster some credit.
Some people are just stellar, they really are. If this person is living with one of them, better than derailing their concern rather dismissively, it might be better to assume the poster isn't relying on this single incident.
Here's my advice.
Unless the guy is a prick, then he is with you and values you for his own reasons. Have some faith in them and do as well as you can -- you are not going to become whatever it is that he is so just accept it as an interesting discovered fact and move on.
posted by rr at 12:47 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Don't equate intelligence with academic ability. I say this as someone who cruised through everything on minimal effort and has an enormous aptitude for tests. There are some narrow fields in life where this is important (I'm a programmer and it's a big help to me) but mostly it's not. In the end, what you do when your studies are complete is what is going to count in your life.
Another thing you might like to consider is whether your intense preparation is actually that necessary. Sounds like you have this huge combination of anxiety and stress built up around tests which you fend off through intense study. Maybe you're better at them than you think, and the big difference between you and your partner is he doesn't have to do all the ritual shit you do to keep a clear head and let his brain do the work. You might be a genius after all, just a genius who has to do some spiritual exercises (ie your four days of cramming) first.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:48 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Another thing you might like to consider is whether your intense preparation is actually that necessary. Sounds like you have this huge combination of anxiety and stress built up around tests which you fend off through intense study. Maybe you're better at them than you think, and the big difference between you and your partner is he doesn't have to do all the ritual shit you do to keep a clear head and let his brain do the work. You might be a genius after all, just a genius who has to do some spiritual exercises (ie your four days of cramming) first.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:48 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I am very very smart. My partner is also very smart. 10 years ago or so, when he decided to change careers, he was able to return to college and pick up calculus where he left off 10 years before that after brief review. I could not have done that.
I'm not sure, though, that he's smarter than me. He certainly has a better memory for certain kinds of things. I'm often amazed by him coming up with some factual information about something that happened, say, in the middle ages, if it comes up in passing. If I was studying anatomy, and he had encountered the material 15 years earlier, he would probably have retained a surprising amount, whereas I don't retain things like that unless I'm using and encountering them.
posted by not that girl at 12:51 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure, though, that he's smarter than me. He certainly has a better memory for certain kinds of things. I'm often amazed by him coming up with some factual information about something that happened, say, in the middle ages, if it comes up in passing. If I was studying anatomy, and he had encountered the material 15 years earlier, he would probably have retained a surprising amount, whereas I don't retain things like that unless I'm using and encountering them.
posted by not that girl at 12:51 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
There are many various measures of intelligence, and no single one holds a monopoly. Living a successful life requires many different skill sets, and raw intelligence alone will not put you at the top of your game.
I test very well, and did very well in college, better than my girlfriend. She's vastly more successful than I am now, because she has amazing people skills, management ability, and drive. I would argue she's more "intelligent" than me: it doesn't seem like pure book-smart ability is useful outside a narrow range of academic activities. When you start to feel those pangs of jealousy, remind yourself of all those other great skill sets that I am sure you possess.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 12:52 PM on December 11, 2009
I test very well, and did very well in college, better than my girlfriend. She's vastly more successful than I am now, because she has amazing people skills, management ability, and drive. I would argue she's more "intelligent" than me: it doesn't seem like pure book-smart ability is useful outside a narrow range of academic activities. When you start to feel those pangs of jealousy, remind yourself of all those other great skill sets that I am sure you possess.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 12:52 PM on December 11, 2009
I'm an architect. But I can't sketch or draw in perspective in even the most rudimentary way. It is consistently humiliating, and I have spent my professional career finding workarounds. Yet, my work gets published and clients are happy.
I like to think of it like this: I can dive beautifully; but I can't swim.
People are good at different things in different ways. It doesn't matter. You sound like a good match for each other. He is bound to encounter something that doesn't come easily, and maybe when that happens he will post here wondering how to be more disciplined/creative in his studying/approach when a large memory isn't the only tool required to solve a problem.
posted by nickjadlowe at 12:59 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I like to think of it like this: I can dive beautifully; but I can't swim.
People are good at different things in different ways. It doesn't matter. You sound like a good match for each other. He is bound to encounter something that doesn't come easily, and maybe when that happens he will post here wondering how to be more disciplined/creative in his studying/approach when a large memory isn't the only tool required to solve a problem.
posted by nickjadlowe at 12:59 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Consider this: having to work hard is actually a great advantage for you.
No, seriously; hear me out. I am one of those people, like your boyfriend, for whom academic (and, to a certain extent, creative) success generally tended to come easily all through high school, college, and even into grad school. I grew up being told explicitly that I was a genius. I read and synthesize fairly complex information quickly, and sit right down and turn out an essay or a presentation that would score me an A. Great, huh?
Yeah, it was great -- until I actually hit the limits of what I could do easily or what was fun (at which point, by no coincedence at all, I quit grad school after my master's). Because though I'd worked just hard enough to produce my work and get my A's, in fact I had almost no real discipline. I was, in a word, lazy. Generally smart and creative, yes; but I was smart and creative and lazy. This is not a recipe for long-term success. You know the old saying that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration? Well, the inspiration I had up the wazoo. It was the perspiration I fell short on. I didn't know how to manage my time. I didn't know how to start, try, fail, and start over again. As a result, I believed that who I am was measured by what I was good at, and so I became almost cripplingly afraid of failure -- so I gave up doing anything that I thought I might not be perfect at straight out of the gate.
In short, I didn't even begin to learn how to genuinely accept my own limitations and how to work hard in spite of them until I was in my 30s (and I still struggle with it today). In the end, the healthiest and most humane way to measure ourselves is not by our output or our successes (and certainly not in comparison to somebody else's output or successes), but by the qualities we embody and bring out in others. One of your great qualities is obviously persistence. I truly admire that. I hope you do, too.
posted by scody at 1:01 PM on December 11, 2009 [64 favorites]
No, seriously; hear me out. I am one of those people, like your boyfriend, for whom academic (and, to a certain extent, creative) success generally tended to come easily all through high school, college, and even into grad school. I grew up being told explicitly that I was a genius. I read and synthesize fairly complex information quickly, and sit right down and turn out an essay or a presentation that would score me an A. Great, huh?
Yeah, it was great -- until I actually hit the limits of what I could do easily or what was fun (at which point, by no coincedence at all, I quit grad school after my master's). Because though I'd worked just hard enough to produce my work and get my A's, in fact I had almost no real discipline. I was, in a word, lazy. Generally smart and creative, yes; but I was smart and creative and lazy. This is not a recipe for long-term success. You know the old saying that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration? Well, the inspiration I had up the wazoo. It was the perspiration I fell short on. I didn't know how to manage my time. I didn't know how to start, try, fail, and start over again. As a result, I believed that who I am was measured by what I was good at, and so I became almost cripplingly afraid of failure -- so I gave up doing anything that I thought I might not be perfect at straight out of the gate.
In short, I didn't even begin to learn how to genuinely accept my own limitations and how to work hard in spite of them until I was in my 30s (and I still struggle with it today). In the end, the healthiest and most humane way to measure ourselves is not by our output or our successes (and certainly not in comparison to somebody else's output or successes), but by the qualities we embody and bring out in others. One of your great qualities is obviously persistence. I truly admire that. I hope you do, too.
posted by scody at 1:01 PM on December 11, 2009 [64 favorites]
Academic smarts aren't everything. My best friend is jealous of me in this way... that I can do great at trivia games like Jeopardy. But I'm book smart, and she's street smart.
Also, being smart in some areas does not always equate to being smart in all areas. I do phenomenally well with languages... always got As in English classes, and A+ in foreign languages like Spanish. But I started failing math in the 5th grade, and I can't even divide large numbers. Algebra? I can only do the simplest of equations.
I bet there are some areas where you're "smarter" than he is.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:02 PM on December 11, 2009
Also, being smart in some areas does not always equate to being smart in all areas. I do phenomenally well with languages... always got As in English classes, and A+ in foreign languages like Spanish. But I started failing math in the 5th grade, and I can't even divide large numbers. Algebra? I can only do the simplest of equations.
I bet there are some areas where you're "smarter" than he is.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:02 PM on December 11, 2009
Eh, there's not only different kinds of smart there are different kinds of ways to be good at life. Smart is one of them. It is by no means the only one. You may be having an issue because both you and your partner feel that "being smart is the only way to win at life" and you and him both look at the both of you along that axis. Stop that. You might also want to tell him to stop looking over your shoulder at your exam and telling you what all the right answers are, that would bug me and I'm pretty comfy with my intellect.
So, you either have to find a mantra "Partner is good at tests, I am good at organization/baking/being a good friend/sex/being happy/taking care of myself..." or whatever it is, or you and Partner need to have a nice friendly talk about the fact that you feel weird and he's inadvertently pressing those buttons and how are we going to work through this while you go through school?
I'm not sure, but I also detect a little "life isn't FAIR!" from your post which may just be my read into it, but the unfairness of life isn't your partner's fault any more than it is yours.
So, whether he's smarter or you're smarter isn't really here or there, in my opinion. He seems to be better at tests and less agitated by al the hubub surrounding them, as you portray him. I'm sure you and he both have many other fine qualities and finding ways for the two of you to both apprciate what you both have to offer seems like a good way to move forward. Put another way, there's a good chance that he's taller than you, too [law of averages] but that height difference only matters if you both subscribe to a "taller is better" mentality. This is probably not a relationship problem for the two of you, work to make the "smartness" thing not a problem either. This seems to be as much of an anxiety problem as it is an achievement problem, see what you can do to plow through that. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 1:03 PM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
So, you either have to find a mantra "Partner is good at tests, I am good at organization/baking/being a good friend/sex/being happy/taking care of myself..." or whatever it is, or you and Partner need to have a nice friendly talk about the fact that you feel weird and he's inadvertently pressing those buttons and how are we going to work through this while you go through school?
I'm not sure, but I also detect a little "life isn't FAIR!" from your post which may just be my read into it, but the unfairness of life isn't your partner's fault any more than it is yours.
So, whether he's smarter or you're smarter isn't really here or there, in my opinion. He seems to be better at tests and less agitated by al the hubub surrounding them, as you portray him. I'm sure you and he both have many other fine qualities and finding ways for the two of you to both apprciate what you both have to offer seems like a good way to move forward. Put another way, there's a good chance that he's taller than you, too [law of averages] but that height difference only matters if you both subscribe to a "taller is better" mentality. This is probably not a relationship problem for the two of you, work to make the "smartness" thing not a problem either. This seems to be as much of an anxiety problem as it is an achievement problem, see what you can do to plow through that. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 1:03 PM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Most of these posts try to minimize his abilities. I think it would be more profitable to take this opportunity to consider that everyone has different bodies, minds, luck, and abilities. You didn't come up with Facebook, and you'll just have to live with never being a billionaire, etc. If you can deal with all this, it will serve you much better in the future than the cheap satisfaction that although he is smart, he may not be able to _____.
posted by gensubuser at 1:09 PM on December 11, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by gensubuser at 1:09 PM on December 11, 2009 [4 favorites]
How do I accept that he's just extremely intelligent and I'm just average and have to work very hard, and be okay with it?
Start by realizing there's more to life than how smart you are (since you're in school, your probably hyperfocused on intelligence as a measure of worth). I'm one of those people with a high IQ who picks up on learning topics quickly and could basically coast through school. While that's nice and all, it's hardly the totality of who I am. I've never particularly cared about the relative intelligence of the people I've dated, although I've probably never dated someone who's as (book) smart as me. I've dated people who're incredibly creative; I can't draw, paint, or write to save my life.
I doubt your SO secretly thinks you're some kind of drooling idiot. He probably loves you for your mind as well as myriad other things. Ask him, you'll likely be pleasantly surprised by the response.
In general, stop comparing yourself to other people; that way lies madness. (Or at least, stop using such comparisons as a measure of your self-worth.) It doesn't matter how smart/creative/funny/whatever you are, remember there's always someone out there who's smarter/more creative/funnier/whateverer than you. And someone less so.
posted by axiom at 1:14 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Start by realizing there's more to life than how smart you are (since you're in school, your probably hyperfocused on intelligence as a measure of worth). I'm one of those people with a high IQ who picks up on learning topics quickly and could basically coast through school. While that's nice and all, it's hardly the totality of who I am. I've never particularly cared about the relative intelligence of the people I've dated, although I've probably never dated someone who's as (book) smart as me. I've dated people who're incredibly creative; I can't draw, paint, or write to save my life.
I doubt your SO secretly thinks you're some kind of drooling idiot. He probably loves you for your mind as well as myriad other things. Ask him, you'll likely be pleasantly surprised by the response.
In general, stop comparing yourself to other people; that way lies madness. (Or at least, stop using such comparisons as a measure of your self-worth.) It doesn't matter how smart/creative/funny/whatever you are, remember there's always someone out there who's smarter/more creative/funnier/whateverer than you. And someone less so.
posted by axiom at 1:14 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Good at tests, yes. (I managed to squeak through high school on exams alone—none of which I studied for. Ask me to summarize a big blurb of text, though, and I'm SOL.)
Also, there's a HUGE difference between "being smart" and "knowing a lot of stuff." I know a lot of stuff, mostly because I'm constantly soaking up new information and I'm pretty good at recalling random factoids, but nary a lick of it has ever come in handy for any practical purpose.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:18 PM on December 11, 2009
Also, there's a HUGE difference between "being smart" and "knowing a lot of stuff." I know a lot of stuff, mostly because I'm constantly soaking up new information and I'm pretty good at recalling random factoids, but nary a lick of it has ever come in handy for any practical purpose.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:18 PM on December 11, 2009
Unless the guy is a prick, then he is with you and values you for his own reasons.
Seconded. I'm not going to go into the book-smart / test-smart / street-smart distinctions here. If he's not dismissive of your abilities, experience and knowledge, and supportive of the effort you put into your studies, then you just need to get yourself into a position where you're making the most of your respective strengths instead of being drawn into subconscious competition. Take comfort and motivation from the fact that you're doing this for yourself and you'll benefit from all the hard work.
posted by holgate at 1:18 PM on December 11, 2009
Seconded. I'm not going to go into the book-smart / test-smart / street-smart distinctions here. If he's not dismissive of your abilities, experience and knowledge, and supportive of the effort you put into your studies, then you just need to get yourself into a position where you're making the most of your respective strengths instead of being drawn into subconscious competition. Take comfort and motivation from the fact that you're doing this for yourself and you'll benefit from all the hard work.
posted by holgate at 1:18 PM on December 11, 2009
There are many aspects to intelligence. Having an excellent memory is one, absorbing new material quickly is another, but there are so many more - like coming up with creative solutions to problems, or skills specific to music or language. On top of that a person has to have other skills to make that 'intelligence' effective. I know a few people who are extremely intelligent but stalled in their careers because they have terrible interpersonal skills. As others have noted here, I also know people who are of average intelligence but have an insane ability to focus and work around the clock, and that pushes them above the rest.
Definitely you need to learn the lesson that there is always someone 'better' and you will only make yourself unhappy doing these comparisons. But also, think about how smart and perceptive your SO is, and he chose you above anyone else.
posted by mattholomew at 1:24 PM on December 11, 2009
Definitely you need to learn the lesson that there is always someone 'better' and you will only make yourself unhappy doing these comparisons. But also, think about how smart and perceptive your SO is, and he chose you above anyone else.
posted by mattholomew at 1:24 PM on December 11, 2009
Unlike apparently many people above, I know people who are incredibly intelligent in virtually every way: test-taking abilities, creative abilities, math, english, life skills, street smarts, etc. That doesn't mean those people are BETTER. Likewise, I know people who are incredibly attractive. That doesn't mean those people are BETTER. I know people who are tall, who have lots of money, who are musical virtuosos, who have succeeded to an incredible degree at their work or at their romantic life. That doesn't mean those people are BETTER.
People have a range of abilities -- if you feel like he is looking down on you for being less smart than him, that is a problem, but possibly he just feels that you are different than him, in that way and hopefully in many other ways, and that's a GOOD thing. He probably respects that you are very dedicated and hard-working, and he looked over the test because he was interested in your life. That is also a good thing. If he doesn't think he's "better" than you, then why do you? That's not how these things work.
posted by brainmouse at 1:30 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
People have a range of abilities -- if you feel like he is looking down on you for being less smart than him, that is a problem, but possibly he just feels that you are different than him, in that way and hopefully in many other ways, and that's a GOOD thing. He probably respects that you are very dedicated and hard-working, and he looked over the test because he was interested in your life. That is also a good thing. If he doesn't think he's "better" than you, then why do you? That's not how these things work.
posted by brainmouse at 1:30 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm another one of those people who is good at tests, but has no discipline in other areas of my life. If life was a series of multiple choice tests, I'd be in heaven. You have discipline to do what you need to do, that counts for alot.
posted by the giant pill at 1:31 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by the giant pill at 1:31 PM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I favorited Mr. French Fry's answer. I am a test taker. I actually like them. If I pay attention in class, I will do well on the test. Standardized tests even more so. Back when I took the SATs, the drinking age was 18. The night before the test, I was in a bar with a whole bunch of buddies when one of them, at about midnight, asked if I could give him a ride to the SATs the next morning. "Oh crap," I thought, "I am 6 beers in and I have the SATs tomorrow. Why didn't anybody tell me?" I did the only thing I could. I have another beer and gave him a ride in the morning. I did very well on the test. Especially in light of the puke at the break I executed. 4 years later, I took the GMATs on a whim without having even opened a study guide and got in the 98th percentile.
The only thing I learned from that is that I am a good test taker. No more, no less. Quite frankly it has helped me absolutely zero in my life other than the doors they opened for me to go to a school and work at school. In the real world, the only benefit I have seen is that I am often picked first for trivial pursuit.
My wife on the other hand works her butt off at school. She recently finished her second masters degree and it was painful to see her work to grade ratio. But, she knows her stuff and got a good job and is very successful at what she does which is helping others. I would have done well on the tests but failed in the field.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:32 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
The only thing I learned from that is that I am a good test taker. No more, no less. Quite frankly it has helped me absolutely zero in my life other than the doors they opened for me to go to a school and work at school. In the real world, the only benefit I have seen is that I am often picked first for trivial pursuit.
My wife on the other hand works her butt off at school. She recently finished her second masters degree and it was painful to see her work to grade ratio. But, she knows her stuff and got a good job and is very successful at what she does which is helping others. I would have done well on the tests but failed in the field.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:32 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
My partner can pick up math or science like nothing.
However, I have my own strengths. Rather than bemoaning how I can't understand mechanics or that if I were going to study for the GRE, I'd have to start by relearning high school algebra (something I tried to do and eventually gave up) - I focus on my strengths. I'm a very fast learner of languages. I'm working on trying to learn my partner's native Portuguese and he often gets ahead of himself in trying to teach me - I pick up so fast, he forgets I can't actually know things that I haven't seen or heard before. Our conversations are very limited, but I can say more and more things about my cat every day.
Also: He can do anything with electronics, unless the electronics are used to make food. It does make me feel more useful that without me to help him cook, he'd still be eating Lean Cuisines.
Yes, my partner is a downright genius who's getting his PhD in engineering and it makes me feel good about myself that I can fry him an egg. This is actually true. Everybody's got their talents and it's really no use comparing yourself - if you two were exactly the same, you would mirror each other rather than complementing each other, and IMHO, complements make much better partners than mirrors.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:37 PM on December 11, 2009
However, I have my own strengths. Rather than bemoaning how I can't understand mechanics or that if I were going to study for the GRE, I'd have to start by relearning high school algebra (something I tried to do and eventually gave up) - I focus on my strengths. I'm a very fast learner of languages. I'm working on trying to learn my partner's native Portuguese and he often gets ahead of himself in trying to teach me - I pick up so fast, he forgets I can't actually know things that I haven't seen or heard before. Our conversations are very limited, but I can say more and more things about my cat every day.
Also: He can do anything with electronics, unless the electronics are used to make food. It does make me feel more useful that without me to help him cook, he'd still be eating Lean Cuisines.
Yes, my partner is a downright genius who's getting his PhD in engineering and it makes me feel good about myself that I can fry him an egg. This is actually true. Everybody's got their talents and it's really no use comparing yourself - if you two were exactly the same, you would mirror each other rather than complementing each other, and IMHO, complements make much better partners than mirrors.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:37 PM on December 11, 2009
As someone who went through my entire academic life studying very little and doing very well, please, please, please be grateful that you are capable of acing things by putting in a lot of effort. I cannot begin to tell you how much more important effort is, and how much I wish I was better at it. I've been struggling with "effort" since I left college and my hard-working friends have accomplished more than I have.
There are plenty of books out there about the importance of effort versus raw intelligence. Off the top of my head, Nurtureshock is a new one (I've read only an excerpt but it was quite good, it's been checked out from my library), Outliers (if you like Malcolm Gladwell), The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin, etc.
Please do not de-value your hard work. It is extremely valuable. I can't stress that enough.
Also, don't compare yourself to your partner. Just be happy for him. My husband is more intelligent than me in a couple arenas, plus he is capable of hard work. I've never really compared the two... I wish I had a good tactic you could use, but I just don't know; I've always just been grateful that his knowledge and skills contribute to my transactive memory. I think perhaps it's because you feel stupid and incapable; I've never felt stupid, really, but I imagine if I did I might feel insecure in comparison to him. Hopefully once you come to really value your hard work, you won't feel the need to compare yourself to him anymore.
on preview: exactly what Scody said. That's pretty much my story. I know a lot of stuff and I'm creative and I'm capable of learning anything that holds my interest, but I have no discipline so it goes to waste.
posted by Nattie at 1:40 PM on December 11, 2009
There are plenty of books out there about the importance of effort versus raw intelligence. Off the top of my head, Nurtureshock is a new one (I've read only an excerpt but it was quite good, it's been checked out from my library), Outliers (if you like Malcolm Gladwell), The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin, etc.
Please do not de-value your hard work. It is extremely valuable. I can't stress that enough.
Also, don't compare yourself to your partner. Just be happy for him. My husband is more intelligent than me in a couple arenas, plus he is capable of hard work. I've never really compared the two... I wish I had a good tactic you could use, but I just don't know; I've always just been grateful that his knowledge and skills contribute to my transactive memory. I think perhaps it's because you feel stupid and incapable; I've never felt stupid, really, but I imagine if I did I might feel insecure in comparison to him. Hopefully once you come to really value your hard work, you won't feel the need to compare yourself to him anymore.
on preview: exactly what Scody said. That's pretty much my story. I know a lot of stuff and I'm creative and I'm capable of learning anything that holds my interest, but I have no discipline so it goes to waste.
posted by Nattie at 1:40 PM on December 11, 2009
I have hired people like you and people like your partner.
I would take one of you for five of your partner.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:44 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I would take one of you for five of your partner.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:44 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
What are you better at than him? Basketball? Making people feel at ease in social settings? Music? Assembling IKEA furniture? Poker? The point is, he's better than you at this. But you're better than him at other stuff. You're upset now because the thing that he's better at is central to your life at this very moment. But that won't always be the case. Someday, you'll be assembling IKEA furniture together, and he'll be banging his head against a wall while you're easily fitting the thingamagig into the whoziwhatsit, and you'll be proud of yourself and he'll be jealous of you. Because life, and relationships, ebb and flow that way. Try not to be so hard on yourself for feeling stressed out and demoralized at a time in your life when you're working on (and from the sound of it, succeeding at) something really difficult.
posted by decathecting at 1:45 PM on December 11, 2009
posted by decathecting at 1:45 PM on December 11, 2009
Also, nthing the idea that saying her husband is "just good at taking tests" probably isn't the case, though it sounds nice. I can count on one hand the number of people I've met who weren't intelligent but did well on tests. The vast majority of people I've known who got good grades were actually, you know, at least intelligent enough to know and understand the material. Some people achieved that competency through hard work and some through very little work, but very few guessed or BSed their way through it.
The inverse seems more often true: sometimes people who know the material test poorly for whatever reasons. But if someone aces a test the odds aren't that they're just a good test taker.
posted by Nattie at 1:45 PM on December 11, 2009
The inverse seems more often true: sometimes people who know the material test poorly for whatever reasons. But if someone aces a test the odds aren't that they're just a good test taker.
posted by Nattie at 1:45 PM on December 11, 2009
The IQ people believe that intelligence in the test taking sense is g-loaded, meaning it is correlated across a variety of related aptitudes. So doing well on one particular g-loaded test is predictive of similar ability on related tests. By that logic some people are just "good test takers".
Having met many people with really high-IQs, 3-5 sigmas, 150-180+, its fair to say that they aren't all created equally in terms of personalities and abilities, having many banes as well as boons. You sound bright and sincerely like your partner. If he likes you equally then make an effort to just enjoy the fact that you probably have a very bright boyfriend, rather than comparing yourself with him, appreciate that you two fit well together.
posted by blueyellow at 1:51 PM on December 11, 2009
Having met many people with really high-IQs, 3-5 sigmas, 150-180+, its fair to say that they aren't all created equally in terms of personalities and abilities, having many banes as well as boons. You sound bright and sincerely like your partner. If he likes you equally then make an effort to just enjoy the fact that you probably have a very bright boyfriend, rather than comparing yourself with him, appreciate that you two fit well together.
posted by blueyellow at 1:51 PM on December 11, 2009
You know in stories, when the group has finally gotten close to the end of their journey and you realize that one of the characters has done NOTHING for the entire book except occasionally deliver punchlines or get stabbed or awaken the Balrog of Mordor? They're not the wizard with the magic, they aren't the warrior with the sword and board, they aren't the thief with the trickery or deception, or the elf with the really shiny hair. They're... just... there.
And then the climax happens, and guess who saves the day?
Remember that relationships aren't competitions - they are collaborations. Be proud and relieved to have a brilliant teammate, and have faith that you bring something to the team. It may not be readily apparent, but I promise you'll have your moment to shine.
posted by greekphilosophy at 1:54 PM on December 11, 2009
And then the climax happens, and guess who saves the day?
Remember that relationships aren't competitions - they are collaborations. Be proud and relieved to have a brilliant teammate, and have faith that you bring something to the team. It may not be readily apparent, but I promise you'll have your moment to shine.
posted by greekphilosophy at 1:54 PM on December 11, 2009
Number one - you outshine him in some important ways. I have no idea what they are, because you don't mention them. But you do.
Number two - it's really healthy to be in close proximity to smart, enthusiastic people. Knife + whetstone. If he's so smart, sharpen yourself on him. Keep it friendly, don't take it seriously, enjoy it. Some of the most wonderful times in my life have been when I've been surrounded by people well above my intellectual level.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 2:19 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Number two - it's really healthy to be in close proximity to smart, enthusiastic people. Knife + whetstone. If he's so smart, sharpen yourself on him. Keep it friendly, don't take it seriously, enjoy it. Some of the most wonderful times in my life have been when I've been surrounded by people well above my intellectual level.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 2:19 PM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Wait until you take an organic chemistry class. Show him your tests then, and he'll be baffled. (I don't believe there is such a thing as a "short answer" in O-chem.)
Just because it appears he is smarter than you does not mean that will last forever. You have time, and in that time you will be focusing your knowledge into an area that he doesn't have access to, except through you. The good study habits you make now will last you for the length of your education, and will make the difference in what you get out of it.
I would actually use him to your advantage, though. As you continue through your education, try to explain theories and processes and equations to him, in your own words. Use him as your test patient. If he is as smart as you say, he has the capability to understand it. And you've just helped yourself, too, by re-imagining the concepts you are being taught, i.e., making them stick!
posted by sarahnade at 3:27 PM on December 11, 2009
Just because it appears he is smarter than you does not mean that will last forever. You have time, and in that time you will be focusing your knowledge into an area that he doesn't have access to, except through you. The good study habits you make now will last you for the length of your education, and will make the difference in what you get out of it.
I would actually use him to your advantage, though. As you continue through your education, try to explain theories and processes and equations to him, in your own words. Use him as your test patient. If he is as smart as you say, he has the capability to understand it. And you've just helped yourself, too, by re-imagining the concepts you are being taught, i.e., making them stick!
posted by sarahnade at 3:27 PM on December 11, 2009
Have a good think about why you want to be smart. How much of the reason is socially influenced, e.g. "I want other people to view me as smart." (You count as "other people," so if it's largely because you want to view yourself as smart, that's social influencing, too.)
It's not bad to want people to have a positive view of you. It's normal and human. But it's worth separating that desire from other reasons you might want to be smart, e.g. to solve problems, learn as much as possible while you're alive, make lots of money (though smart people often don't), etc.
It's probably the case that if you want to see yourself as smart, what you REALLY want is to see yourself as special, and you've just trained yourself (or have been trained) to think smart=special. Maybe there's some other way you can see yourself as special without worrying about how smart you are.
Let's say I pressed a button and magically gave you the highest IQ in the world. There's a VERY good chance that you'd be right back where you started, seeing yourself as not-smart-enough. MANY of the really brilliant people I know don't think of themselves as smart.
This is because the well of problems is bottomless, and the deeper you dive into it, the harder the problems get. There's always a problem that's harder than the one you're solving now. This means that really dumb people and really smart people both have an infinite number of problems they can't solve. They both feel equally stumped all the time. (Often, the smarter people feel MORE stumped, because their intelligence helps them see just how much they don't know.)
I am a little like your boyfriend, at least in certain fields. People are constantly telling me that I'm smart. Yet not once, not even for five minutes, have I thought of myself as smart. I guess I would feel that way if I judged my smarts by my ability to solve certain problems compared to other-people's abilities to solve those same problems, but I don't.
I'm lucky enough to have blown off school. I didn't take it seriously. I say that I'm lucky, because though school can do some good, it also tends to indoctrinate people into some really warped mindsets. And after being in school for years, it's very hard for them to shake these mindsets. Many people never shake them, because they think of them as the-way-the-world-is.
School teaches two things about intelligence: (a) that it's largely about memorizing facts; (b) that anyone can be smart of they work hard memorizing those facts. (A very democratic idea of intelligence!) One of the things this means is that if you're not smart, it must be because you haven't worked hard enough. So people like you -- people who work their ass off -- get full of self-loathing, jealousy and feelings of betrayal if they work hard and get don't become smart. IT'S NOT FAIR!
But REAL smart people aren't people who have just memorized a bunch of fact. They aren't people who can figure out stuff fast (that's another warped lesson we learn from school, where everything is timed). Real smart people don't feel that it's unfair that they worked so hard and still don't feel smart; they know that they will always have to work hard and will never feel smart.
I have to solve problems every day, and maybe I solve them better or faster than some other people. Still, it's very, very hard for me to solve those problems.
Let's say it's not for your boyfriend. Let's say that any problem he's faced with he can solve in five seconds. Unless he's magic, all that means is that he's not stretching himself. Yes, it may take you longer to solve those same problems, but you clearly ARE stretching yourself. If you get to be "as smart as your boyfriend," which you probably can with enough hard work, that means you'll be on his plateau. What will you do when you get there? Stop trying because the particular problems on that plateau will be easy for you to solve?
(I just got a maze-puzzle game on my iPhone. When I first started playing with it, the beginning levels were agonizingly hard for me. Now that I've solved them, they are easy for me. But there are a whole bunch of harder puzzles waiting for me. Let's say I don't attempt them. Instead, let's say I just keep doing the ones I've already solved. If you pick up the game, having never played it before, you'll be wowed by how "smart" I am. But it's a parlor trick.)
That hard, hard work that you do -- that agonizing, brain-numbing work -- that's what smart people do EVERY DAY. They do it until they die. It NEVER gets easy for them. If it does, it means they have stopped using their brains. And a brain is a muscle. Use it or lose it.
Most of the "smart people" that you know are probably people who memorized a lot of facts early on and have a good memory for holding onto those facts. Our culture glamorizes people who know lots of facts. (See Jeopardy.)
I often get told I'm smart when I can reel off bits of history and lines from Shakespeare plays. But I guarantee you that I was just as smart before I learned all those facts. I just didn't know as many facts. And if that's the sort of smarts you want, you can get it. You can catch up to your boyfriend, though it may take a decade or two, depending on how young he was when he became a factworm.
In sum: the best way to "be smart" is to do what you're doing -- work really, really hard and don't ever stop. Spend your life solving problems that hurt your brain. If you're not doing that and you still feel smart, then you're wrong: you're successful or rich or good at crafts or crammed with facts or thought of as smart -- but you're not smart. If you're really working your ass off solving problems, then you won't have enough energy to worry about how smart you are. You won't waste your time comparing yourself to your boyfriend, because that won't help you solve whatever problem it is you're trying to solve.
On the other hand, if you goal is just to seem smart, then start memorizing a lot of trivia. Read books on every subject you can think of. Watch lots of documentaries. Within a few years, you'll be one of those people who can inject little factoids about anything into a conversation. And that's a really fun way to be. Just don't confuse it with actually being smart.
posted by grumblebee at 3:29 PM on December 11, 2009 [4 favorites]
It's not bad to want people to have a positive view of you. It's normal and human. But it's worth separating that desire from other reasons you might want to be smart, e.g. to solve problems, learn as much as possible while you're alive, make lots of money (though smart people often don't), etc.
It's probably the case that if you want to see yourself as smart, what you REALLY want is to see yourself as special, and you've just trained yourself (or have been trained) to think smart=special. Maybe there's some other way you can see yourself as special without worrying about how smart you are.
Let's say I pressed a button and magically gave you the highest IQ in the world. There's a VERY good chance that you'd be right back where you started, seeing yourself as not-smart-enough. MANY of the really brilliant people I know don't think of themselves as smart.
This is because the well of problems is bottomless, and the deeper you dive into it, the harder the problems get. There's always a problem that's harder than the one you're solving now. This means that really dumb people and really smart people both have an infinite number of problems they can't solve. They both feel equally stumped all the time. (Often, the smarter people feel MORE stumped, because their intelligence helps them see just how much they don't know.)
I am a little like your boyfriend, at least in certain fields. People are constantly telling me that I'm smart. Yet not once, not even for five minutes, have I thought of myself as smart. I guess I would feel that way if I judged my smarts by my ability to solve certain problems compared to other-people's abilities to solve those same problems, but I don't.
I'm lucky enough to have blown off school. I didn't take it seriously. I say that I'm lucky, because though school can do some good, it also tends to indoctrinate people into some really warped mindsets. And after being in school for years, it's very hard for them to shake these mindsets. Many people never shake them, because they think of them as the-way-the-world-is.
School teaches two things about intelligence: (a) that it's largely about memorizing facts; (b) that anyone can be smart of they work hard memorizing those facts. (A very democratic idea of intelligence!) One of the things this means is that if you're not smart, it must be because you haven't worked hard enough. So people like you -- people who work their ass off -- get full of self-loathing, jealousy and feelings of betrayal if they work hard and get don't become smart. IT'S NOT FAIR!
But REAL smart people aren't people who have just memorized a bunch of fact. They aren't people who can figure out stuff fast (that's another warped lesson we learn from school, where everything is timed). Real smart people don't feel that it's unfair that they worked so hard and still don't feel smart; they know that they will always have to work hard and will never feel smart.
I have to solve problems every day, and maybe I solve them better or faster than some other people. Still, it's very, very hard for me to solve those problems.
Let's say it's not for your boyfriend. Let's say that any problem he's faced with he can solve in five seconds. Unless he's magic, all that means is that he's not stretching himself. Yes, it may take you longer to solve those same problems, but you clearly ARE stretching yourself. If you get to be "as smart as your boyfriend," which you probably can with enough hard work, that means you'll be on his plateau. What will you do when you get there? Stop trying because the particular problems on that plateau will be easy for you to solve?
(I just got a maze-puzzle game on my iPhone. When I first started playing with it, the beginning levels were agonizingly hard for me. Now that I've solved them, they are easy for me. But there are a whole bunch of harder puzzles waiting for me. Let's say I don't attempt them. Instead, let's say I just keep doing the ones I've already solved. If you pick up the game, having never played it before, you'll be wowed by how "smart" I am. But it's a parlor trick.)
That hard, hard work that you do -- that agonizing, brain-numbing work -- that's what smart people do EVERY DAY. They do it until they die. It NEVER gets easy for them. If it does, it means they have stopped using their brains. And a brain is a muscle. Use it or lose it.
Most of the "smart people" that you know are probably people who memorized a lot of facts early on and have a good memory for holding onto those facts. Our culture glamorizes people who know lots of facts. (See Jeopardy.)
I often get told I'm smart when I can reel off bits of history and lines from Shakespeare plays. But I guarantee you that I was just as smart before I learned all those facts. I just didn't know as many facts. And if that's the sort of smarts you want, you can get it. You can catch up to your boyfriend, though it may take a decade or two, depending on how young he was when he became a factworm.
In sum: the best way to "be smart" is to do what you're doing -- work really, really hard and don't ever stop. Spend your life solving problems that hurt your brain. If you're not doing that and you still feel smart, then you're wrong: you're successful or rich or good at crafts or crammed with facts or thought of as smart -- but you're not smart. If you're really working your ass off solving problems, then you won't have enough energy to worry about how smart you are. You won't waste your time comparing yourself to your boyfriend, because that won't help you solve whatever problem it is you're trying to solve.
On the other hand, if you goal is just to seem smart, then start memorizing a lot of trivia. Read books on every subject you can think of. Watch lots of documentaries. Within a few years, you'll be one of those people who can inject little factoids about anything into a conversation. And that's a really fun way to be. Just don't confuse it with actually being smart.
posted by grumblebee at 3:29 PM on December 11, 2009 [4 favorites]
At the higher levels of academic study, how good you are at tests or memorizing information is vastly outshone by how hard you work and how much thought and effort you're willing to put into mastering any given concept.
I coasted through high school and college on my memory and test taking abilities, but now in grad school those skills are not sufficient to get a damn thing done without a lot of applied effort.
I know lots of people who can't recall a bunch of facts off the top of their heads who are I regard as far brilliant in a way that I could never even hope to be. Your SO has a different style of intelligence perhaps, but not necessarily a different quantity.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 3:29 PM on December 11, 2009
I coasted through high school and college on my memory and test taking abilities, but now in grad school those skills are not sufficient to get a damn thing done without a lot of applied effort.
I know lots of people who can't recall a bunch of facts off the top of their heads who are I regard as far brilliant in a way that I could never even hope to be. Your SO has a different style of intelligence perhaps, but not necessarily a different quantity.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 3:29 PM on December 11, 2009
I'm a little like your partner. I have a knack for remembering stupid shit that is the envy of my friends, and blew through school and undergrad with nearly zero effort.
Now that I'm in a Master's program that is beyond the limits of what I can do with just raw intelligence and an impressive capacity to come up with plausible bullshit, and man, do I wish I was more like you. I wish I had the talent and the discipline to sit down and actually work, instead of just skimming through stuff and expecting my brain to do it for me, which more often than not it can't, because I haven't given it enough to work with.
Everyone is different. Some people, like me and your partner, are good with raw data, remembering stuff with little effort. You might be good at dealing with people, or working with machines, or what have you. Different doesn't mean bad, it just means... different.
posted by Tamanna at 12:07 AM on December 12, 2009
Now that I'm in a Master's program that is beyond the limits of what I can do with just raw intelligence and an impressive capacity to come up with plausible bullshit, and man, do I wish I was more like you. I wish I had the talent and the discipline to sit down and actually work, instead of just skimming through stuff and expecting my brain to do it for me, which more often than not it can't, because I haven't given it enough to work with.
Everyone is different. Some people, like me and your partner, are good with raw data, remembering stuff with little effort. You might be good at dealing with people, or working with machines, or what have you. Different doesn't mean bad, it just means... different.
posted by Tamanna at 12:07 AM on December 12, 2009
Like others have said above, the one thing you've got going for you that your husband doesn't is scaleability. However smart your husband is, he's bound to encounter things that he's just not going to "get" immediately. You, on the other hand, know how to work in order to learn and understand things, and the longer you're at it, the more this work will become second nature.
posted by rjs at 12:26 AM on December 12, 2009
posted by rjs at 12:26 AM on December 12, 2009
What scody and tamanna are saying - I had the exact same experience.
Which is why I finished academic life with a masters and not a PhD and why I'm now working in an environment where you need to have frameworks in which to think, where you need to know how to find out any details or who to ask but where project management is almost more important for success than detailed knowledge.
This is not to say that I don't know the details, because I do and colleagues ask me how to approach certain things or where to look up the details. But I know them because I came across them in practical contexts and not because I sat down and studied them. And I know where to find the information again because I do have a good memory and can remember random stuff like what spurious search term the database needs to come back with relevant results...
So you and the other half are simply good at different things. And as your program progresses you'll probably find that he'll get to a point where more sustained effort would be required to ace any tests you take. At that point he'd probably decide that there's got to be better things to spend his time on than trying to do your tests, whereas you're happy to put in the effort and will succeed in your program.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:49 AM on December 12, 2009
Which is why I finished academic life with a masters and not a PhD and why I'm now working in an environment where you need to have frameworks in which to think, where you need to know how to find out any details or who to ask but where project management is almost more important for success than detailed knowledge.
This is not to say that I don't know the details, because I do and colleagues ask me how to approach certain things or where to look up the details. But I know them because I came across them in practical contexts and not because I sat down and studied them. And I know where to find the information again because I do have a good memory and can remember random stuff like what spurious search term the database needs to come back with relevant results...
So you and the other half are simply good at different things. And as your program progresses you'll probably find that he'll get to a point where more sustained effort would be required to ace any tests you take. At that point he'd probably decide that there's got to be better things to spend his time on than trying to do your tests, whereas you're happy to put in the effort and will succeed in your program.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:49 AM on December 12, 2009
How are your study habits? Check out this guy's blog for advice I wish I'd heard earlier: Study Hacks Blog
posted by sninctown at 11:04 AM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by sninctown at 11:04 AM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your partner may have done well at these tests because he put in time learning the material previously (e.g. while growing up), not because he is inherently smarter. For example, I am really good at solving brainteasers, which others usually attribute to intelligence, but it is actually because I did hundreds of them for fun when I was ten years old. If you learn some material deeply as a child, your brain can retain it for years.
Your partner may have studied anatomy and GRE vocabulary while growing up. Maybe he really enjoyed his high school physiology class, and put a ton of work into it. Maybe he read voraciously and learned GRE words through osmosis. In other words, he may have put in the same number of hours "studying" as you did, but it's not as visible as your studying.
posted by cheesecake at 10:53 AM on December 15, 2009
Your partner may have studied anatomy and GRE vocabulary while growing up. Maybe he really enjoyed his high school physiology class, and put a ton of work into it. Maybe he read voraciously and learned GRE words through osmosis. In other words, he may have put in the same number of hours "studying" as you did, but it's not as visible as your studying.
posted by cheesecake at 10:53 AM on December 15, 2009
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I'm great at tests. Never gotten a bad score on a test in my life, and I don't study for them. I just remember stuff forever. If tests where an accurate way to judge intelligence I'd be one of the smartest people in the f-ing world. I am not.
Mrs. French Fry is not great at tests and studies a lot and writes shit down.
Mrs. French Fry is infinitely smarter than me .
People's mind work in different ways. Are challenged by different subjects. relax and enjoy being smart like you. not smart like him.
posted by French Fry at 12:34 PM on December 11, 2009 [33 favorites]