One would be company but will two be a crowd?
December 3, 2009 8:19 PM Subscribe
I'm having my birthday party at home on Saturday night - food and drinks for about 15 good friends (we supply dinner and a nice cocktail, guests bring wine and beer). An out of town friend is coming and we asked her to invite a friend of hers who does live in our city and who we met once before and really liked. Now the friend-of-our-friend is asking via the friend if she can bring two other people we don't know. I'm really on the fence, can you give me some advice? Not a life or death situation I know, but I'm a little bit stumped...
On the one hand, it seems wrong to turn down a chance to meet potentially cool new people in our city, and I really want friend-of-our-friend to come and feel welcome. I feel like I should just be like "oh, of course!", and I feel put on the spot, like it's the kind of request you don't say no to.
On the other hand, I have no idea who these people are, and while I'm not worried they're crazy or terrible, this is a small party, and I care about people getting along. It's definitely an invite only, RSVP party, and although +1's are welcome and encouraged, two strangers who know each other and this girl I've only met once seems too much, and it's hard to imagine them not forming a conversation of three all night. I'm also not sure I want to buy two random people a nice dinner and drinks, although it's not as though the extra cost is really a deciding factor.
One would be a non-issue, it could be cool, but two feels like too much. I feel like it's kind of a rude request, but I'm squashing that feeling because I think friend-of-our-friend is great and I suspect she's just not super clear what kind of party this is.
What do I do? I know I'm over thinking a little, but I always put a lot of though into our parties and they're always fantastic. I want to be generous and embrace the chance of meeting new awesome people, but I just can't imagine two strangers coming with a near stranger working out...
On the one hand, it seems wrong to turn down a chance to meet potentially cool new people in our city, and I really want friend-of-our-friend to come and feel welcome. I feel like I should just be like "oh, of course!", and I feel put on the spot, like it's the kind of request you don't say no to.
On the other hand, I have no idea who these people are, and while I'm not worried they're crazy or terrible, this is a small party, and I care about people getting along. It's definitely an invite only, RSVP party, and although +1's are welcome and encouraged, two strangers who know each other and this girl I've only met once seems too much, and it's hard to imagine them not forming a conversation of three all night. I'm also not sure I want to buy two random people a nice dinner and drinks, although it's not as though the extra cost is really a deciding factor.
One would be a non-issue, it could be cool, but two feels like too much. I feel like it's kind of a rude request, but I'm squashing that feeling because I think friend-of-our-friend is great and I suspect she's just not super clear what kind of party this is.
What do I do? I know I'm over thinking a little, but I always put a lot of though into our parties and they're always fantastic. I want to be generous and embrace the chance of meeting new awesome people, but I just can't imagine two strangers coming with a near stranger working out...
I'd say no. Say you're not able to accommodate the extra guests- and that's not a lie, because you don't want to. Maybe seeing how badly things can go at open New York house parties has made me a cynic, but I don't want strangers in my house.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:24 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:24 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
You already know the answer: it's your birthday and you don't really want them there. So either say that directly to your pal, or make up a gentle excuse, like, "We don't have enough room," or some other thing that may have a tiny basis in reality. If the local person does come, without the friends, you could say something nice like, "I hope to meet your other friends the next time we get together."
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:25 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:25 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
Just tell them, sorry, but you're already stretched budget-wise and space-wise. She was at least polite enough to ask if it was ok, and didn't just bring them along, so I don't she's being malicious.
I've attended plenty of parties where it was encouraged to bring extras (the more the merrier kind of party), so it's not unusual to ask, I don't think.
posted by chiababe at 8:25 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
I've attended plenty of parties where it was encouraged to bring extras (the more the merrier kind of party), so it's not unusual to ask, I don't think.
posted by chiababe at 8:25 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think friend-of-our-friend is great and I suspect she's just not super clear what kind of party this is.
This sounds like a pretty good bet, or maybe she's an Asker instead of a Guesser and she thought "No harm in asking!"
Whatever her reasoning, there's nothing wrong with saying no --- either directly to the friend-of-a-friend, or to the friend so she can pass it on: "Oh, I'm afraid not. We're keeping this party small --- a few of our favorite friends. Maybe another time" or whatever phrasing feels authentic to you.
There's nothing wrong with setting the parameters, and it sounds like you'll find the most gracious way to do that.
posted by Elsa at 8:34 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
This sounds like a pretty good bet, or maybe she's an Asker instead of a Guesser and she thought "No harm in asking!"
Whatever her reasoning, there's nothing wrong with saying no --- either directly to the friend-of-a-friend, or to the friend so she can pass it on: "Oh, I'm afraid not. We're keeping this party small --- a few of our favorite friends. Maybe another time" or whatever phrasing feels authentic to you.
There's nothing wrong with setting the parameters, and it sounds like you'll find the most gracious way to do that.
posted by Elsa at 8:34 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I just want to keep this down to the people I already invited, since it's for my birthday. But I'd love for them to come at another time, when I have a more open party." (If applicable.)
posted by The Deej at 8:42 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by The Deej at 8:42 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'd also wager that she thinks it's a larger party and has no idea it's a dinner/drinks/close friends type of event.
Personally, I wouldn't say no- I think it would make her feel embarassed and she'd probably avoid you from then on. Maybe you could make it more clear what type of event it is- "FYI, it's a sort of a smallish dinner party- do your friends have any food allergies?" and she might pick up on that and decline or come without them. But obviously it's your birthday party, so do whatever you want. There are ways to politely decline if you decide to do so- tell her it's a dinner party and space is a little tight, or ask your close friend to give her the heads up.
Either way, try not to stess too much about it, and have a good birthday!
posted by emd3737 at 8:53 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Personally, I wouldn't say no- I think it would make her feel embarassed and she'd probably avoid you from then on. Maybe you could make it more clear what type of event it is- "FYI, it's a sort of a smallish dinner party- do your friends have any food allergies?" and she might pick up on that and decline or come without them. But obviously it's your birthday party, so do whatever you want. There are ways to politely decline if you decide to do so- tell her it's a dinner party and space is a little tight, or ask your close friend to give her the heads up.
Either way, try not to stess too much about it, and have a good birthday!
posted by emd3737 at 8:53 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
A few years back I had a birthday dinner out with 10 friends. One of them brought along 3 people I didn't know -- I tried to be all 'the more the merrier', but in reality it turned into two separate dinners by halfway through the meal. Instead of friends relaxing with friends, the evening included quite a bit of uncomfortable small talk in an effort to make the new kids feel welcome. (explaining inside jokes, asking 'where are you from?' 'what do you do?', etc)
Unfortunately, I always remember that night with a bit of a negative spin.
Go with your gut!
posted by jenmakes at 8:55 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
Unfortunately, I always remember that night with a bit of a negative spin.
Go with your gut!
posted by jenmakes at 8:55 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think I would just allow it. The friend from out of town is, well, from out of town, and probably wants to spend as much time with as many friends as possible in a limited amount of time.
Try this compromise: They can come but they have to bring good gifts.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:53 PM on December 3, 2009
Try this compromise: They can come but they have to bring good gifts.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:53 PM on December 3, 2009
Now the friend-of-our-friend is asking via the friend if she can bring two other people we don't know.
Missed that it was the friend of the friend who wants more people, that seems a bit over the line, yeah.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:54 PM on December 3, 2009
Missed that it was the friend of the friend who wants more people, that seems a bit over the line, yeah.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:54 PM on December 3, 2009
No question. Say it's an intimate thing and there just isn't the space for extra people. If she presses, be honest and say furthermore, it's an intimate thing for your birthday and you just aren't comfortable having so many strangers there. I'm an over-mannered Southern girl with a terror of offending anyone, but even to me it's obvious this a situation where you don't have to be a doormat just to be nice.
posted by mostlymartha at 10:11 PM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by mostlymartha at 10:11 PM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
The fact that you're supplying dinner is an easy out in this situation, I think. Just say that you've already made all the arrangements for food (bought everything, confirmed catering, whatever), and you don't think you can stretch things to accommodate two extra people. Say you feel badly, but be firm.
posted by dnesan at 10:19 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by dnesan at 10:19 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
I second jenmakes, it won't be nearly as fun if those people come because you'll have to engage in all the just-met-these-people pageantry that only really works in large parties. People above have covered many of the ways that you can courteously decline, and for the sake of having a fun party it sounds like it's probably a good idea to do so.
posted by invitapriore at 10:23 PM on December 3, 2009
posted by invitapriore at 10:23 PM on December 3, 2009
I suspect she's just not super clear what kind of party this is
Yes. So tell her - or pass the word through your friend - it's a small birthday dinner party for just friends. Not expandable. You'd love it if she can come, but you understand if she has other plans.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:01 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
Yes. So tell her - or pass the word through your friend - it's a small birthday dinner party for just friends. Not expandable. You'd love it if she can come, but you understand if she has other plans.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:01 PM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
dnesan has it. You're making dinner. Really easy to now say that you've budgeted for a small party and you need to keep the count low. Bonus to this answer is that you can gently suggest that this is a very small party in case she doesn't get it.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 12:22 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 12:22 AM on December 4, 2009
Get this person's contact information from your friend. She's clearly not a reliable go-between if this even came up. Call or email the guest in question yourself and say:
"Hey X, I just wanted to invite you personally to my birthday party on Saturday. Mutual friend Y asked if you could bring a few extra guests, but at this point, we're already full up. I'll be making dinner, so it's not really a house party. I'd love it if you could make it, but if you already made plans with these other friends I know we'll find some other way to hang out the next time you're in town. And I do want to meet your friends, too--just not at this particular event! Maybe we can all get together for drinks sometime. Let me know if you think you can still come to my birthday party when you get a chance. Thanks!"
posted by tk at 4:18 AM on December 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
"Hey X, I just wanted to invite you personally to my birthday party on Saturday. Mutual friend Y asked if you could bring a few extra guests, but at this point, we're already full up. I'll be making dinner, so it's not really a house party. I'd love it if you could make it, but if you already made plans with these other friends I know we'll find some other way to hang out the next time you're in town. And I do want to meet your friends, too--just not at this particular event! Maybe we can all get together for drinks sometime. Let me know if you think you can still come to my birthday party when you get a chance. Thanks!"
posted by tk at 4:18 AM on December 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
I agree with tk--if you're trying to have an intimate dinner party with a guest list you've carefully selected, let this person know directly that you are looking forward to having her there. I can easily believe that, being invited by another guest to your party, the friend-of-a-friend got the idea that this was a bigger, more casual party than you intend. Call her up, explain how much you enjoy her company and why you want her at your dinner party, and apologize that that message got garbled when you sent it indirectly through another person. Then you can say "I'm sorry for the confusion, we can't accommodate additional guests--I only have 15 chairs!" without offending her.
It's ok to want to keep the party small. It's ok to want to only have the guests you chose to invite. But I think that, if that's the case, you need to be inviting everyone directly and not relying on any guest to invite anyone (i.e., that you accidentally caused your friend-of-a-friend's confusion by inviting her the way you did).
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:15 AM on December 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
It's ok to want to keep the party small. It's ok to want to only have the guests you chose to invite. But I think that, if that's the case, you need to be inviting everyone directly and not relying on any guest to invite anyone (i.e., that you accidentally caused your friend-of-a-friend's confusion by inviting her the way you did).
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:15 AM on December 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
The wording that has worked well for me in the past is 'it's a sit-down dinner party'. That lets people know that it's not a matter of cramming a few more people into a room, it's about having space at the table, enough tableware, the expense of adding more food and drinks to feed them etc. etc.
I would call the friend and say something along the lines of 'Normally I'd love to meet your friends, but this event is a sit-down dinner. But please keep them in mind for the next party I throw!'
Win-win - you get to make new friends, but at a time that's more convenient for you.
posted by widdershins at 10:01 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I would call the friend and say something along the lines of 'Normally I'd love to meet your friends, but this event is a sit-down dinner. But please keep them in mind for the next party I throw!'
Win-win - you get to make new friends, but at a time that's more convenient for you.
posted by widdershins at 10:01 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks so much everyone, the near unanimity of responses helped us settle this one in the first 20 minutes instead of agonizing about it all night like we usually would! My wife let FoOF know via the friend (would rather have done it directly really) that we're really looking forward to seeing her and we'd love to meet new folks another time, but this is a small birthday thing and we've already planned for food etc.
A couple of quick things just because I enjoy over thinking party etiquette I guess...
Widdershins and others - It's actually not a sit down party (my limit for that is about eight), and that's one of the things that paralyzed me here. It's dinner, but it's a perch at small groups of chairs thing that's mostly fancy (Indian) finger food. But anyway, it's still dinner and planned for a set number of people.
23skidoo - That was totally my thinking, but there are already a few friends at the event who won't know anyone else there and who I really want to introduce to the folks who know each other. This thread helped me realize that integrating new people takes work if it's going to go right, and I want to spend that effort on people I know and like already.
So damn! I don't get to be a spontaneous "the more the merrier" type hostess tomorrow night, but I do have the confidence that saying no nicely was ok to do and probably for the best. I'm not marking best answers because so many were spot on, but I did especially enjoy the personal anecdotes from Jenmakes and others!
posted by crabintheocean at 10:19 AM on December 4, 2009
A couple of quick things just because I enjoy over thinking party etiquette I guess...
Widdershins and others - It's actually not a sit down party (my limit for that is about eight), and that's one of the things that paralyzed me here. It's dinner, but it's a perch at small groups of chairs thing that's mostly fancy (Indian) finger food. But anyway, it's still dinner and planned for a set number of people.
23skidoo - That was totally my thinking, but there are already a few friends at the event who won't know anyone else there and who I really want to introduce to the folks who know each other. This thread helped me realize that integrating new people takes work if it's going to go right, and I want to spend that effort on people I know and like already.
So damn! I don't get to be a spontaneous "the more the merrier" type hostess tomorrow night, but I do have the confidence that saying no nicely was ok to do and probably for the best. I'm not marking best answers because so many were spot on, but I did especially enjoy the personal anecdotes from Jenmakes and others!
posted by crabintheocean at 10:19 AM on December 4, 2009
Response by poster: Party went great. FoOF came solo, had fun, and invited us to her holiday party the next week. We went and met her friends, and they were ok!
posted by crabintheocean at 3:01 PM on December 17, 2009
posted by crabintheocean at 3:01 PM on December 17, 2009
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1) She's not going to put forth a lot of efforts socializing and wants to bring along people to talk to.
2) The two others are notorious food and booze moochers and this is the only way they get invited anywhere.
Call me a cynic, but if you do end up inviting them, see what happens.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:24 PM on December 3, 2009