Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional.
December 1, 2009 9:21 AM Subscribe
Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional.
My girlfriend (who I live with) and I have recently had some major friction around what I perceive to be her less than proactive, largely passive approach to our relationship. She's a very quiet person who lacks confidence in herself (socially and otherwise) despite the fact that she's bright and accomplished (PhD, good publications, etc.). This might sound like an awful thing to say, but in my opinion she hasn't exactly "grown up" and taken on full responsibility for the direction of her life. We've recently had discussions about how she can be more proactive about raising issues in our relationship (versus just getting angry) and suggesting solutions in a collaborative way when issues do arise. We both acknowledge that I'm usually the one to offer solutions.
Yesterday she was informed by her employer that she was not meeting expectations and that she can either accept a demotion or leave the company. Thinking about it objective (as much as I can, of course), I think that it's a strong possibility that some of her behaviors that are negatively affecting our relationship might also have affected her prospects at work. Specifically, she can be quite emotional, non-collaborative, and critical (in a non-constructive way). Her manager confirmed that she wasn't taking enough initiative to drive projects at work.
She is having a very difficult time understanding why her colleagues have perceived her as having shortcomings. I am in the delicate position of trying to be as supportive as possible to her, but also wanting her to recognize this as an opportunity (wake up call?) to work on some serious issues that are impeding her growth in multiple areas of life. We discussed it, and I think that she took it well.
The question that I have is whether anyone has suggestions for dealing with these issues. I've suggested she investigate therapy as a potential avenue, but this sort of problem does not seem very clearly defined (versus, say "depression") and I wonder if therapy can help her with this. On the other hand, I don't want to leave it all up to her, because I think that (like most of us) she clearly doesn't recognize how people see her. The bottom line is that I'd like to make concrete suggestions to her for avenues that she can investigate to address these issues. Her simply saying "I'll be more proactive", without a plan, probably isn't going to inspire confidence at this point.
Whether our relationship works out or not, I still care for her and want her to be successful. I think these issues are really holding her back, and she's young enough (29) to address them before they become a serious impediment to her life.
Thanks very much for any advice.
My girlfriend (who I live with) and I have recently had some major friction around what I perceive to be her less than proactive, largely passive approach to our relationship. She's a very quiet person who lacks confidence in herself (socially and otherwise) despite the fact that she's bright and accomplished (PhD, good publications, etc.). This might sound like an awful thing to say, but in my opinion she hasn't exactly "grown up" and taken on full responsibility for the direction of her life. We've recently had discussions about how she can be more proactive about raising issues in our relationship (versus just getting angry) and suggesting solutions in a collaborative way when issues do arise. We both acknowledge that I'm usually the one to offer solutions.
Yesterday she was informed by her employer that she was not meeting expectations and that she can either accept a demotion or leave the company. Thinking about it objective (as much as I can, of course), I think that it's a strong possibility that some of her behaviors that are negatively affecting our relationship might also have affected her prospects at work. Specifically, she can be quite emotional, non-collaborative, and critical (in a non-constructive way). Her manager confirmed that she wasn't taking enough initiative to drive projects at work.
She is having a very difficult time understanding why her colleagues have perceived her as having shortcomings. I am in the delicate position of trying to be as supportive as possible to her, but also wanting her to recognize this as an opportunity (wake up call?) to work on some serious issues that are impeding her growth in multiple areas of life. We discussed it, and I think that she took it well.
The question that I have is whether anyone has suggestions for dealing with these issues. I've suggested she investigate therapy as a potential avenue, but this sort of problem does not seem very clearly defined (versus, say "depression") and I wonder if therapy can help her with this. On the other hand, I don't want to leave it all up to her, because I think that (like most of us) she clearly doesn't recognize how people see her. The bottom line is that I'd like to make concrete suggestions to her for avenues that she can investigate to address these issues. Her simply saying "I'll be more proactive", without a plan, probably isn't going to inspire confidence at this point.
Whether our relationship works out or not, I still care for her and want her to be successful. I think these issues are really holding her back, and she's young enough (29) to address them before they become a serious impediment to her life.
Thanks very much for any advice.
It may just be the way the question was phrased, and I get that you are including as many detail as possible, but it sounds an awful lot like you're making a project of her. I think that in the context of your relationship, talking to her about the best way to communicate with you is important, but equally important is your understanding of who she is. She is a grown woman and she is not going to change into the kind of person you want her to be. She may always be quiet and reserved and struggle with self-confidence, while still being the bright, accomplished woman you love. And that's okay. Of course we all grow and change, especially (for many) in our 20's, but I can imagine that regular conversations about how she can improve herself might be wearing.
I don't think it's that appropriate to take all of that personal relationship baggage and force it into the dynamics of her professional situation. Yes, you must be supportive and listen to her and help her figure out what she wants to do, but it's her job and her life and if she's making mistakes in it, that's okay, too. I understand you share your lives together and I'm sure her employment impacts you, but it's not your job to fix her. And she may not need or want fixing.
posted by juliplease at 9:43 AM on December 1, 2009 [5 favorites]
I don't think it's that appropriate to take all of that personal relationship baggage and force it into the dynamics of her professional situation. Yes, you must be supportive and listen to her and help her figure out what she wants to do, but it's her job and her life and if she's making mistakes in it, that's okay, too. I understand you share your lives together and I'm sure her employment impacts you, but it's not your job to fix her. And she may not need or want fixing.
posted by juliplease at 9:43 AM on December 1, 2009 [5 favorites]
1. She needs to realize and perceive that this is a problem herself.
2. She needs to decide what to do about it.
It is nice that you care, but it isn't going to change anything.
posted by k8t at 9:46 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
2. She needs to decide what to do about it.
It is nice that you care, but it isn't going to change anything.
posted by k8t at 9:46 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'll confess I don't see the similarities between her manager's criticisms ("not taking enough initiative to drive projects") and yours ("non-collaborative, emotional and critical"). Is it possible that you're just co-opting this job setback to add evidence to your private relationship beefs, thus proving to her that you were Right All Along?
In any case, regardless of whether her relationship problems really are her job problems or vice versa, I don't see much to be gained from tackling the two together. The process of fixing an issue in an intimate partnership is really different from the process of adjusting one's performance in a work environment. And I'm guessing she needs to feel as though you have her back now, not as though you're another person who thinks there are huge things about herself she needs to change.
Why don't you table the relationship problems and focus on helping her develop a concrete plan for addressing her difficulties at work? Help her figure out what exactly she's done or not done at work-- as opposed to what she is or is not-- and work those insights into a plan for improvement that she can bring back to her boss.
posted by Bardolph at 9:49 AM on December 1, 2009 [4 favorites]
In any case, regardless of whether her relationship problems really are her job problems or vice versa, I don't see much to be gained from tackling the two together. The process of fixing an issue in an intimate partnership is really different from the process of adjusting one's performance in a work environment. And I'm guessing she needs to feel as though you have her back now, not as though you're another person who thinks there are huge things about herself she needs to change.
Why don't you table the relationship problems and focus on helping her develop a concrete plan for addressing her difficulties at work? Help her figure out what exactly she's done or not done at work-- as opposed to what she is or is not-- and work those insights into a plan for improvement that she can bring back to her boss.
posted by Bardolph at 9:49 AM on December 1, 2009 [4 favorites]
This is what mentoring is for. If I could change one thing in my (professional) life, I would go back in time and get a @*#%$! mentor. Were I in your shoes, I would help her brainstorm to find colleagues, or former professors, or similarly situated professionals at another institution, set up an plan for approaching them with the hope of developing a mentoring relationship with someone. She can ask her boss, hey, do we have a mentoring program? She can call her school and ask the same question. She can join a professional organization, start going to coffees, happy hours and lunch lectures and make the necessary small talk to develop one.
Since she is essentially pushing herself out of a job (been there, done that and boy, does it hurt), she will also need to be searching for a new one. A mentoring relationship will really help that search to.
You are probably right that there is overlap in the way she handles her work and personal relationships. However, working through this will her as a professional problem will help avoid many of the pitfalls that come with a "hey, honey, let's change who you are" solution like therapy or helping her "grow up" I use those phrases because this type of criticism, even meant constructively with love, is hurtful and can make someone defensive. The benefits will probably cross-over to her personal life, but maybe not. Focusing on her career needs--her professional self--however may well make it an easier pill to swallow.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:52 AM on December 1, 2009
Since she is essentially pushing herself out of a job (been there, done that and boy, does it hurt), she will also need to be searching for a new one. A mentoring relationship will really help that search to.
You are probably right that there is overlap in the way she handles her work and personal relationships. However, working through this will her as a professional problem will help avoid many of the pitfalls that come with a "hey, honey, let's change who you are" solution like therapy or helping her "grow up" I use those phrases because this type of criticism, even meant constructively with love, is hurtful and can make someone defensive. The benefits will probably cross-over to her personal life, but maybe not. Focusing on her career needs--her professional self--however may well make it an easier pill to swallow.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:52 AM on December 1, 2009
This is a well-written question, but I hope you're using more colloquial phrasing in actually talking about this stuff with her. If someone I knew through a non-business relationship started criticizing me (even in a gentle way) with management consultant-speak when I was alreadt annoyed, I'd reach for the withering sarcasm.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:16 AM on December 1, 2009
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:16 AM on December 1, 2009
I'm sure you mean well, but if I were going through a hard time at work, and my boyfriend used that situation as ammo to back up his points in arguments regarding our relationship, I would be pretty upset. I would feel outgunned and ganged-up-on and it would make me want to withdraw from him, not turn to him for comfort and support when times are tough "out there." Just sayin....
posted by cottonswab at 12:33 PM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by cottonswab at 12:33 PM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You have my sympathy. My brother is the same way. Though I can call him names and we can punch each other so there is some (admittedly unhealthy) way I can get my frustration out. I do not advise you do that though.
posted by spec80 at 9:39 AM on December 1, 2009