I need help with a new complicated relationship. Give me advice! Please!
November 14, 2009 4:49 PM Subscribe
I need help with a new complicated relationship. Give me advice! Please!
I met this guy a few years ago when I was very very thin (anorexic). After getting over anorexia, I gained an extreme amount of weight. I really like this guy and recently started talking to him again and we have had amazing conversations and talked seriously about being together. I have not dated anyone in three years because I am so insecure and uncomfortable about the way I look. I, very stupidly, told him I was living in Florida (I live in California) because I thought if he saw me so overweight, he would be totally disgusted and not interested in me at all. I then told him I would be back in California in six months figuring if we were still talking I would have lost the weight by then and we could be together. I understand how insane this was. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, he found out I was lying. I apologized a million times. I explained my issues to him and he said if I didn't see him, he would stop talking to me. So I did. He said he was fine with the way I looked and would help me lose weight if that's what I wanted. I don't really believe that he is fine with how I look, but, that's what he claims. The problem now is that he doesn't trust me cause I lied to him. Completely understandable. He says he needs time to see if he can trust me again and wants to spend time with me to get to know me better and see who I really am despite my lie. The thing is though, he acts like he really wants nothing to do with me. We've seen each other twice since he found out I lied. We were talking every second before and now I feel like I'm stalking him when I call him cause he never answers and rarely calls back despite the fact that I know he knows I'm calling. I've asked him to be straight forward with me and just tell me if he's not interested in me anymore and that I won't be offended and then he tells me to stop acting like we're not going to see each other again and to stop saying things like that. It's very confusing. I don't want to completely forget about this for two reasons. One, he is the only man I have been comfortable being around romantically for three years and I don't think I would have the confidence to find someone else until I was thinner again. Two, I really actually do like him. I can't help but think the reason he is not interested in me is because of how overweight I am which is fine but then don't string me along and act like you'd like to get to know me. Anyway... what do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Do I just sit around and answer his call if/when he does call? Do I keep trying to make it work? HELP!
I met this guy a few years ago when I was very very thin (anorexic). After getting over anorexia, I gained an extreme amount of weight. I really like this guy and recently started talking to him again and we have had amazing conversations and talked seriously about being together. I have not dated anyone in three years because I am so insecure and uncomfortable about the way I look. I, very stupidly, told him I was living in Florida (I live in California) because I thought if he saw me so overweight, he would be totally disgusted and not interested in me at all. I then told him I would be back in California in six months figuring if we were still talking I would have lost the weight by then and we could be together. I understand how insane this was. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, he found out I was lying. I apologized a million times. I explained my issues to him and he said if I didn't see him, he would stop talking to me. So I did. He said he was fine with the way I looked and would help me lose weight if that's what I wanted. I don't really believe that he is fine with how I look, but, that's what he claims. The problem now is that he doesn't trust me cause I lied to him. Completely understandable. He says he needs time to see if he can trust me again and wants to spend time with me to get to know me better and see who I really am despite my lie. The thing is though, he acts like he really wants nothing to do with me. We've seen each other twice since he found out I lied. We were talking every second before and now I feel like I'm stalking him when I call him cause he never answers and rarely calls back despite the fact that I know he knows I'm calling. I've asked him to be straight forward with me and just tell me if he's not interested in me anymore and that I won't be offended and then he tells me to stop acting like we're not going to see each other again and to stop saying things like that. It's very confusing. I don't want to completely forget about this for two reasons. One, he is the only man I have been comfortable being around romantically for three years and I don't think I would have the confidence to find someone else until I was thinner again. Two, I really actually do like him. I can't help but think the reason he is not interested in me is because of how overweight I am which is fine but then don't string me along and act like you'd like to get to know me. Anyway... what do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Do I just sit around and answer his call if/when he does call? Do I keep trying to make it work? HELP!
Seconding rokusan. I know this is frustrating, but the truth is that you are unlikely to get a complete and clear answer from him - that's just not how many people work. Your attempts to force such a conversation will just continue to muddy and complicate things.
posted by lunasol at 5:07 PM on November 14, 2009
posted by lunasol at 5:07 PM on November 14, 2009
Good, healthy relationships rarely start out with this level of complication. You need to step back and chill, and see if he takes the next step toward you. If he does: yay, you have your answer. If he doesn't: sucks, but you still have your answer.
That means that your strategy, in the meantime, must be focused NOT ON HIM but rather on yourself -- specifically, on developing healthy ways to cope with the anxiety that will inevitably arise as you step back and stop calling. And I do mean specific strategies. Make a list of 20 positive ways you can deal with the OMG MUST CALL NEED ANSWER AGGGGH feeling in the moment: go for a walk, call a friend instead, work on a knitting project, meditate for 15 minutes, etc.
Because here's the thing: feelings pass, whether they're comfortable or uncomfortable. The need to call this guy -- to the point of where you feel like you're stalking him -- is simply an unhealthy, habitual reaction to an uncomfortable feeling. When the itch comes (and it will), find a better way to scratch it.
posted by scody at 5:19 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
That means that your strategy, in the meantime, must be focused NOT ON HIM but rather on yourself -- specifically, on developing healthy ways to cope with the anxiety that will inevitably arise as you step back and stop calling. And I do mean specific strategies. Make a list of 20 positive ways you can deal with the OMG MUST CALL NEED ANSWER AGGGGH feeling in the moment: go for a walk, call a friend instead, work on a knitting project, meditate for 15 minutes, etc.
Because here's the thing: feelings pass, whether they're comfortable or uncomfortable. The need to call this guy -- to the point of where you feel like you're stalking him -- is simply an unhealthy, habitual reaction to an uncomfortable feeling. When the itch comes (and it will), find a better way to scratch it.
posted by scody at 5:19 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, if you are in recovery from anorexia, dieting without your therapist's and doctor's supervision is A HORRIBLE IDEA.
Please discuss this whole thing with your therapist. If you don't have a therapist, get one.
Unsupervised dieting is the single best way to get back into an anorexic cycle, and getting back into an anorexic cycle is the single best way to fuck your body up. Anorexia is much more dangerous than obesity, let alone overweight.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:51 PM on November 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
Please discuss this whole thing with your therapist. If you don't have a therapist, get one.
Unsupervised dieting is the single best way to get back into an anorexic cycle, and getting back into an anorexic cycle is the single best way to fuck your body up. Anorexia is much more dangerous than obesity, let alone overweight.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:51 PM on November 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
Hi. You need to break this cycle of control and anxiety. You cannot control another person's thoughts and actions the way you can control the food you eat and your weight. You need to let things happen. Which is a totally maddening concept, I know.
Breathe. Go for a long walk or run or bike ride. Take a hot bath. Do not obsess over your phone.
Don't be that stalker person.
Your run-on paragraph indicates a mindset of "OMGOMGARGH!" that needs to be stopped. Punctuated by something else. Mindfulness. Not obsessiveness.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:56 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Breathe. Go for a long walk or run or bike ride. Take a hot bath. Do not obsess over your phone.
Don't be that stalker person.
Your run-on paragraph indicates a mindset of "OMGOMGARGH!" that needs to be stopped. Punctuated by something else. Mindfulness. Not obsessiveness.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:56 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I've asked him to be straight forward with me and just tell me if he's not interested in me anymore and that I won't be offended and then he tells me to stop acting like we're not going to see each other again and to stop saying things like that."
No guy will actually give you an answer of "I'm not interested any more" even if you nicely ask them to. They'd much rather "silent dump" or do the "slow silent dump" like you're getting. I kinda think you have blown this one as is. I'm surprised he is even still speaking to you at all, actually.
I'm sorry, but man, you do not remotely sound like you're feeling emotionally secure enough to even handle the inevitable ups and downs of dating right now. If you're still not at all okay with how you look enough for this guy to see you without you freaking out, then this will probably come back to bite you in the ass. Not because he'll be horrified, but because you will be acting nervous and insecure and miserable and apologetic, and generally be freaking out. You need to feel okay with yourself before you get into dating, because dating has tons of ego blows and if you can't take any right now, then please don't. Right now you're going to blame ANY issue in the relationship on "Oh my god, he hates me because I'm fat," when that probably isn't even the case. You're already doing it right now because to you, being secretly "fat" is worse than the lying, and I have the impression that for him, it is the other way around.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 PM on November 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
No guy will actually give you an answer of "I'm not interested any more" even if you nicely ask them to. They'd much rather "silent dump" or do the "slow silent dump" like you're getting. I kinda think you have blown this one as is. I'm surprised he is even still speaking to you at all, actually.
I'm sorry, but man, you do not remotely sound like you're feeling emotionally secure enough to even handle the inevitable ups and downs of dating right now. If you're still not at all okay with how you look enough for this guy to see you without you freaking out, then this will probably come back to bite you in the ass. Not because he'll be horrified, but because you will be acting nervous and insecure and miserable and apologetic, and generally be freaking out. You need to feel okay with yourself before you get into dating, because dating has tons of ego blows and if you can't take any right now, then please don't. Right now you're going to blame ANY issue in the relationship on "Oh my god, he hates me because I'm fat," when that probably isn't even the case. You're already doing it right now because to you, being secretly "fat" is worse than the lying, and I have the impression that for him, it is the other way around.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 PM on November 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Try this as a working hypothesis - he made a close connection with you that was about the inner you, not your appearance. Being overweight doesn't change how he feels. (he might possibly think you would be even more attractive at a different weight but that it isn't that important to him) However, lying to him - saying that you were far away from him when you weren't was a fundamental betrayal of trust. His reaction was similar to the reaction of someone who experience the betrayal of an affair - he's lost trust, he feels like he doesn't know who you really are and he just doesn't know if the person he cared about was the real you or a lie. In otherwords, consider the possiblity that he told you the truth about he felt.
In this case, you need to recognize that his feelings have confused - your behavior has changed his feelings about the relationship, things are not the same. This doesn't mean that you two can't work it out but you need to let him set the pace as adjusts and gets to know you again, gradually rebuilding trust. Your job is to respect his feelings - allow him to be more distant than he was before but still in relationship with you. Wild swings between expecting things to be as close as they were and accusing him of wanting to break up will just make him feel manipulated. Calmly accepting that you goofed and you need to make up for it by letting his needs set the pace instead of yours.
I could be completely wrong, in which case it will soon become obvious enough that he isn't interested. But assuming that he is lying to you and really wants to break up with just guaranty that it will happen. Assuming that he is telling the truth and being mature enough to deal with it at least creates a possibility of a happy ending. Neither of us know which is true just now - why not pick the assumption that leaves open the possibility that you might end up together.
posted by metahawk at 8:35 PM on November 14, 2009
In this case, you need to recognize that his feelings have confused - your behavior has changed his feelings about the relationship, things are not the same. This doesn't mean that you two can't work it out but you need to let him set the pace as adjusts and gets to know you again, gradually rebuilding trust. Your job is to respect his feelings - allow him to be more distant than he was before but still in relationship with you. Wild swings between expecting things to be as close as they were and accusing him of wanting to break up will just make him feel manipulated. Calmly accepting that you goofed and you need to make up for it by letting his needs set the pace instead of yours.
I could be completely wrong, in which case it will soon become obvious enough that he isn't interested. But assuming that he is lying to you and really wants to break up with just guaranty that it will happen. Assuming that he is telling the truth and being mature enough to deal with it at least creates a possibility of a happy ending. Neither of us know which is true just now - why not pick the assumption that leaves open the possibility that you might end up together.
posted by metahawk at 8:35 PM on November 14, 2009
ps. If you aren't currently seeing a therapist, please, please get back in therapy so you can have someone help you get perspective on your life and your choices.
posted by metahawk at 8:38 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 8:38 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Are you seeing a therapist now? Lying about where you live in order to buy yourself enough time to lose weight so that you will be acceptable to another person is not a normal response to that situation. That, coupled with what seems to be a fixation on your weight (I'm curious as to what you consider an "extreme" amount of weight) and your overwhelming need to know what's going on in your relationship makes me think that you may not be in a good head-space for this right now. If you aren't in therapy right now, I really recommend that you remedy that immediately. I also think that you should not attempt any diets without a doctor's supervision - you may not be seeing your weight situation clearly.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:45 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:45 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
It sounds like he hasn't exactly been compassionate, and it sounds like you have things going on that you need help with that have nothing to do with him. A good relationship will not be so complicated - go see a therapist, and strike him off your list. You can't make him like you. This really does sound like an extension of the control cycle in anorexia.
posted by medea42 at 11:17 PM on November 14, 2009
posted by medea42 at 11:17 PM on November 14, 2009
Personally, I wouldn't be THAT put of by the lying.
I don't think it was a incredibly nasty lie and you weren't trying to hurt anyone. If anything, you were trying to protect the relationship although in an unhealthy way.
If I really liked someone I would totally forgive and be so happy that you live in the same city!
Now if you lied that you were at work but were hanging out with another guy, that's a different story!
You say you gained an extreme amount of weight.
I think its important to focus on being healthy. I don't like the word thin (or fat). Just healthy.
Get a personal trainer if you can and a nutritionist and work with a doctor. And lots of supportive friends.
This will benefit you whether the guy wants to be really into you or not.
And he will respect you more for all the hard work you are doing regardless.
posted by simpleton at 2:22 AM on November 15, 2009
I don't think it was a incredibly nasty lie and you weren't trying to hurt anyone. If anything, you were trying to protect the relationship although in an unhealthy way.
If I really liked someone I would totally forgive and be so happy that you live in the same city!
Now if you lied that you were at work but were hanging out with another guy, that's a different story!
You say you gained an extreme amount of weight.
I think its important to focus on being healthy. I don't like the word thin (or fat). Just healthy.
Get a personal trainer if you can and a nutritionist and work with a doctor. And lots of supportive friends.
This will benefit you whether the guy wants to be really into you or not.
And he will respect you more for all the hard work you are doing regardless.
posted by simpleton at 2:22 AM on November 15, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you all for your advice. I know a lot of the reason this is making me so crazy is because of my control issues and my need to know exactly what is going on. That was a big part of my anorexia as well. I'm going to stop contacting him and just reply to the attempts he makes to get in touch with me.
As far as a therapist is concerned, I have been in therapy on and off for the last 4 years but I find it to be completely unhelpful. Most likely because I have yet to find a worthy therapist. I have considered going back to therapy several times but have completely lost faith in the therapist-patient exchange so, I am therapist free at the moment.
Yesterday he asked me again why I wasn't just honest with him in the beginning. I told him that I didn't want to lose him. That I thought that I had a better chance of keeping him by lying than by him actually seeing what I look like. While that is true and makes perfect sense to me, I'm beginning to see how fucked up that rationalization really is. I haven't heard from him since. Perhaps dating will have to wait until I am healthier mentally as well as physically.
Anyway, thank you guys so much! I appreciate all your help.
posted by GComes at 3:38 AM on November 15, 2009
As far as a therapist is concerned, I have been in therapy on and off for the last 4 years but I find it to be completely unhelpful. Most likely because I have yet to find a worthy therapist. I have considered going back to therapy several times but have completely lost faith in the therapist-patient exchange so, I am therapist free at the moment.
Yesterday he asked me again why I wasn't just honest with him in the beginning. I told him that I didn't want to lose him. That I thought that I had a better chance of keeping him by lying than by him actually seeing what I look like. While that is true and makes perfect sense to me, I'm beginning to see how fucked up that rationalization really is. I haven't heard from him since. Perhaps dating will have to wait until I am healthier mentally as well as physically.
Anyway, thank you guys so much! I appreciate all your help.
posted by GComes at 3:38 AM on November 15, 2009
Response by poster: Also, not that it matters, but I just wanted to add that the lie only lasted for about 5 days. I hadn't been lying to him for months.
posted by GComes at 3:59 AM on November 15, 2009
posted by GComes at 3:59 AM on November 15, 2009
I'm going to say this as nicely as I can... having been anorexic, your definition of "an extreme amount of weight" may be skewed.
I know a person who had a gastric bypass and for a while looked unhealthily thin. Now that she's at a gorgeous size 10 (seriously, a guy at Costco walked into a pole because he was staring at her, and she gets hit on all the time), she thinks she's fat and needs to lose 40 pounds.
Anorexics and people who have had gastric bypass sometimes have one thing in common: They see themselves as fat when they are beautiful.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:19 AM on November 15, 2009
I know a person who had a gastric bypass and for a while looked unhealthily thin. Now that she's at a gorgeous size 10 (seriously, a guy at Costco walked into a pole because he was staring at her, and she gets hit on all the time), she thinks she's fat and needs to lose 40 pounds.
Anorexics and people who have had gastric bypass sometimes have one thing in common: They see themselves as fat when they are beautiful.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:19 AM on November 15, 2009
Being overweight doesn't change how he feels. (he might possibly think you would be even more attractive at a different weight but that it isn't that important to him)
Whoa, let's not assume she's actually overweight based on her description. Do you realize what anorexia is?
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:57 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Whoa, let's not assume she's actually overweight based on her description. Do you realize what anorexia is?
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:57 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
As far as a therapist is concerned, I have been in therapy on and off for the last 4 years but I find it to be completely unhelpful. Most likely because I have yet to find a worthy therapist.
You. Have. Anorexia.
It. Is. A. Life-Threatening. Disease.
You. Need. Professional. Help.
A "worthy therapist"? Please. Get over yourself. Yes, it's possible that every therapist you've seen has sucked--there are a lot of bad therapists out there, this is true, just like there are bad cardiologists and bad mechanics and bad manicurists and bad everything else.
But there's one common denominator here: you. It's much more likely that you're resisting therapy than that every single therapist you see is "unworthy" (just the way you framed that shows you've got issues about the therapeutic process).
The fact that you're considering dieting--DIETING!--as a recovering anorexic shows how desperately you need therapy. Right now. Even if the therapist isn't what you'd consider "worthy".
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:13 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
You. Have. Anorexia.
It. Is. A. Life-Threatening. Disease.
You. Need. Professional. Help.
A "worthy therapist"? Please. Get over yourself. Yes, it's possible that every therapist you've seen has sucked--there are a lot of bad therapists out there, this is true, just like there are bad cardiologists and bad mechanics and bad manicurists and bad everything else.
But there's one common denominator here: you. It's much more likely that you're resisting therapy than that every single therapist you see is "unworthy" (just the way you framed that shows you've got issues about the therapeutic process).
The fact that you're considering dieting--DIETING!--as a recovering anorexic shows how desperately you need therapy. Right now. Even if the therapist isn't what you'd consider "worthy".
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:13 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
According to this and one of your previous threads, you are still having issues with control: around your body, other people's perception of you (lying about yourself to this guy is part of the same behavior), and thinking that fixing how you look will fix your self-esteem issues.
At the heart of all eating disorders is a need to control something and a deep lack of self-love. This is because one feels out-of-control or unworthy (usually because of very good reasons, like a crazy family, or unhealthy living situation, etc).
The purpose of therapy is to empower you to identify what is making you feel powerless (ie. what is toxic in your environment and relationships), help you make good decisions in your life, and not just change what you are exercising your control over.
Get Thee to a Therapist. NOW. Stop all those rationalizing excuses. You hear yourself in your head, telling yourself you can take care of it. YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF IT. You need help. And you should know, ALL OF US need help. None of us makes it in this world alone. Make the radical decision to be vulnerable with your therapist.
Don't worry about this guy or any guy for a while. You need to learn how to love you. LOVE YOU.
I reiterate: THERAPIST, Pronto. Even if you've gone before. Go again. Keep going. You are worth being loved. Period. You are worthy of love from yourself. This guy is just a distraction to avoid facing that fact.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 12:45 PM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
At the heart of all eating disorders is a need to control something and a deep lack of self-love. This is because one feels out-of-control or unworthy (usually because of very good reasons, like a crazy family, or unhealthy living situation, etc).
The purpose of therapy is to empower you to identify what is making you feel powerless (ie. what is toxic in your environment and relationships), help you make good decisions in your life, and not just change what you are exercising your control over.
Get Thee to a Therapist. NOW. Stop all those rationalizing excuses. You hear yourself in your head, telling yourself you can take care of it. YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF IT. You need help. And you should know, ALL OF US need help. None of us makes it in this world alone. Make the radical decision to be vulnerable with your therapist.
Don't worry about this guy or any guy for a while. You need to learn how to love you. LOVE YOU.
I reiterate: THERAPIST, Pronto. Even if you've gone before. Go again. Keep going. You are worth being loved. Period. You are worthy of love from yourself. This guy is just a distraction to avoid facing that fact.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 12:45 PM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Either he starts calling you more often and pursing you back, or he never calls you again. Either way, you have your answer.
posted by rokusan at 4:54 PM on November 14, 2009 [6 favorites]