Anger: Why Now? and What to do about it?
October 19, 2009 7:16 PM Subscribe
Why am I seething now that my ex business partner is willing to reconcile our differences?
I was best friends for 12 years with my former business partner. She decided to end the start-up partnership after I had revamped her technology infrastructure, streamlined operations, and established our marketing campaign. I am ok with the dissolution, but have always been upset with the way she went about ending it -- she basically kept me on the hook building our business and operating my end of the business while she secured a different partner (friend of hers) to continue what I started. The deception (actual, outright lies as well as lies of omission) was devastating to me because I could not imagine her ever treating me this way after 12 years of close friendship. Anyway, it has been 6 months since the partnership & friendship ended on a very bitter note. By the end, there were hard feelings all the way around. I spoke to her today by phone and asked if we would ever get to a point where we could still see each other at business events without avoiding the other (don't know why that came out of my mouth). She said she really has no hard feelings and wouldn't be opposed to reconciling. After I hung up, I realized that I am angrier now that she would reconcile than I had ever been before she would consider reconciling. When the partnership ended I felt more blindsided and devastated by how she chose to end it than angry that she did it.
Btw, I am male, she and the new business partner are female and even though we were never romantically involved, the business dissolution felt like how a messy divorce/break-up involving betrayal might feel.
So, thank you for reading this far: Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now? Is there anything you would suggest to help me get over these feelings in order to move on without expending additional energy rehashing the past in my head?
I was best friends for 12 years with my former business partner. She decided to end the start-up partnership after I had revamped her technology infrastructure, streamlined operations, and established our marketing campaign. I am ok with the dissolution, but have always been upset with the way she went about ending it -- she basically kept me on the hook building our business and operating my end of the business while she secured a different partner (friend of hers) to continue what I started. The deception (actual, outright lies as well as lies of omission) was devastating to me because I could not imagine her ever treating me this way after 12 years of close friendship. Anyway, it has been 6 months since the partnership & friendship ended on a very bitter note. By the end, there were hard feelings all the way around. I spoke to her today by phone and asked if we would ever get to a point where we could still see each other at business events without avoiding the other (don't know why that came out of my mouth). She said she really has no hard feelings and wouldn't be opposed to reconciling. After I hung up, I realized that I am angrier now that she would reconcile than I had ever been before she would consider reconciling. When the partnership ended I felt more blindsided and devastated by how she chose to end it than angry that she did it.
Btw, I am male, she and the new business partner are female and even though we were never romantically involved, the business dissolution felt like how a messy divorce/break-up involving betrayal might feel.
So, thank you for reading this far: Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now? Is there anything you would suggest to help me get over these feelings in order to move on without expending additional energy rehashing the past in my head?
SHe does not think she did anything wrong or does not care what she did. She thinks she did what she did because it was in her best interests and all if fair in business. Either thought process is terrible. I would be cordial to her, but never friends. What do you have to gain? You reconcile so you can say you were not dumped? Forgetaboutit. Smile, say helloe when you see her and move on with your life.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:30 PM on October 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:30 PM on October 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
Of course she would not be bitter, as she got what she wanted, then got rid of you. Sounds like a most excellent deal for her.
Congratulations, your fresh batch of rage is has been brewed up in the realization that this hasn't hurt her at all.
Anger isn't always a bad thing to have, or a useless thing to have. If things are the way you say they are, I'd be fairly ticked off myself. If you feel like being constructive about it, I'd suggest that you channel your need to rehash the past in looking for the particular clues you missed that you were about to get a nice knifing. Use that and direct your energies into detecting these sorts of things in the future. Sometimes you can get over something by carefully distilling it into a set of lessons learned, but that can only be accomplished by some painful introspection. You're already doing that, so why not use it?
posted by adipocere at 7:31 PM on October 19, 2009 [10 favorites]
A+++, would rip you off again!!!1!!Congratulations, your fresh batch of rage is has been brewed up in the realization that this hasn't hurt her at all.
Anger isn't always a bad thing to have, or a useless thing to have. If things are the way you say they are, I'd be fairly ticked off myself. If you feel like being constructive about it, I'd suggest that you channel your need to rehash the past in looking for the particular clues you missed that you were about to get a nice knifing. Use that and direct your energies into detecting these sorts of things in the future. Sometimes you can get over something by carefully distilling it into a set of lessons learned, but that can only be accomplished by some painful introspection. You're already doing that, so why not use it?
posted by adipocere at 7:31 PM on October 19, 2009 [10 favorites]
Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now?
Exactly what Inspector.Gadget said: because it causes you to realize that you were used. You played your part in her vision, and then she discarded you once you had fulfilled the purpose she had in mind for you.
In a way, she may consider you completely even - not consider you a friend whom she betrayed. If it was never deeply personal to begin with, she might even be mystified or bemused that you would take what was just a business decision so hard. It's hard to tell from your post what the degree of trust or shared vision was from the beginning.
Since you are OK with the dissolution, as you say, the only remaining reason why this stings is that you thought it was a more personal relationship, with some built-in trust and loyalty. That doesn't mean that anyone needs to think it had a romantic decision; it doesn't have to, and it would have stung as much had she been male or you been female with no one interested in each other. It's just that you've realized you viewed the relationship differently, and you're understandably hurt.
As for how to move on - start another business, work hard at it, and do amazing things. Don't let someone else take charge of the vision next time. Work out agreements with legal language beforehand so that when you're a partner, you're actually a full partner, and can't be dropped from the business that way. Use your contacts from this business. Stay cool. And chalk it up as a life lesson - make sure your expectations of relationships are reasonable, reciprocal, and appropriate to the situation.
Sorry it ended so lousy, but I'm sure you will do fine!
posted by Miko at 7:39 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Exactly what Inspector.Gadget said: because it causes you to realize that you were used. You played your part in her vision, and then she discarded you once you had fulfilled the purpose she had in mind for you.
In a way, she may consider you completely even - not consider you a friend whom she betrayed. If it was never deeply personal to begin with, she might even be mystified or bemused that you would take what was just a business decision so hard. It's hard to tell from your post what the degree of trust or shared vision was from the beginning.
Since you are OK with the dissolution, as you say, the only remaining reason why this stings is that you thought it was a more personal relationship, with some built-in trust and loyalty. That doesn't mean that anyone needs to think it had a romantic decision; it doesn't have to, and it would have stung as much had she been male or you been female with no one interested in each other. It's just that you've realized you viewed the relationship differently, and you're understandably hurt.
As for how to move on - start another business, work hard at it, and do amazing things. Don't let someone else take charge of the vision next time. Work out agreements with legal language beforehand so that when you're a partner, you're actually a full partner, and can't be dropped from the business that way. Use your contacts from this business. Stay cool. And chalk it up as a life lesson - make sure your expectations of relationships are reasonable, reciprocal, and appropriate to the situation.
Sorry it ended so lousy, but I'm sure you will do fine!
posted by Miko at 7:39 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
"Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now?"
If you thought that she still had ill will toward you, then you were free to do the same without feeling guilty. Now that reconciliation is possible, you have to consider whether you actually want it. Regardless of who was originally at fault, she has made it harder for you to take the moral high ground now, by putting forgiveness on your shoulders.
posted by mbrubeck at 7:56 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you thought that she still had ill will toward you, then you were free to do the same without feeling guilty. Now that reconciliation is possible, you have to consider whether you actually want it. Regardless of who was originally at fault, she has made it harder for you to take the moral high ground now, by putting forgiveness on your shoulders.
posted by mbrubeck at 7:56 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Because she's not ashamed of what she did? Has she ever given you any indication that she knows she was shitty to you? And now she wants to act like you're the one with the attitude problem, and it's about time you realized what a drama queen you've been?
That would torque me, too.
posted by ctmf at 8:28 PM on October 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
That would torque me, too.
posted by ctmf at 8:28 PM on October 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
"She said she really has no hard feelings"
Wow. SHE has no animosity? How F***ing gracious of her.
I'd be pissed, too.
You took a noble risk by starting the healing process, and she tossed you down like a piece of soiled TP. With friends like this, who needs enemas? Move on, don't look back. She did you wrong, bro.
posted by Acacia at 9:00 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Wow. SHE has no animosity? How F***ing gracious of her.
I'd be pissed, too.
You took a noble risk by starting the healing process, and she tossed you down like a piece of soiled TP. With friends like this, who needs enemas? Move on, don't look back. She did you wrong, bro.
posted by Acacia at 9:00 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now?
Because when she says she's happy to reconcile now, she communicates that to her, this was no big deal. This implicitly dismisses your feelings. It is a refusal to acknowledge the magnitude of the betrayal, which to you is not something that can be casually smoothed over.
posted by prefpara at 9:03 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Because when she says she's happy to reconcile now, she communicates that to her, this was no big deal. This implicitly dismisses your feelings. It is a refusal to acknowledge the magnitude of the betrayal, which to you is not something that can be casually smoothed over.
posted by prefpara at 9:03 PM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
4 years lately, I still pray semi-monthly that my backstabbing ex-business partner suffers the fires of hell. And I meditate and practice the golden rule. Simultaneously, I hope there is no cosmic retribution due to my forgiveness "process" regarding this person and their actions against me 4 years ago.
I'm pretty sure your emotions are on the normal scale.
Further. If there were severe social consequences concerning uncool business practices, maybe this sort of thing wouldn't happen.
In that event - I'm pretty sure health insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, and the military industrial industry would collectively go out of business in one big BOOM.
We can only hope.
posted by jbenben at 9:07 PM on October 19, 2009
I'm pretty sure your emotions are on the normal scale.
Further. If there were severe social consequences concerning uncool business practices, maybe this sort of thing wouldn't happen.
In that event - I'm pretty sure health insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, and the military industrial industry would collectively go out of business in one big BOOM.
We can only hope.
posted by jbenben at 9:07 PM on October 19, 2009
Exactly what Inspector.Gadget said: because it causes you to realize that you were used. You played your part in her vision, and then she discarded you once you had fulfilled the purpose she had in mind for you.
Well, that's certainly how he described it. I'm sure her version of the story would be very different.
Anyway the question is "Why am I more angry now". I think the fact that she doesn't seem to mirror your passion on the issue is a big part of it. People take comfort in knowing that, after a big blowup, other people feel just as bad. The fact she's willing to reconcile indicates she just doesn't care. You said it was like a bad breakup, imagine how you would feel you got into a huge argument with your GF and you break up. You're miserable, and the next week you see her smiling and laughing with friends, like there's no problem at all. Obviously it would bother you. Same deal here.
posted by delmoi at 9:29 PM on October 19, 2009
Well, that's certainly how he described it. I'm sure her version of the story would be very different.
Anyway the question is "Why am I more angry now". I think the fact that she doesn't seem to mirror your passion on the issue is a big part of it. People take comfort in knowing that, after a big blowup, other people feel just as bad. The fact she's willing to reconcile indicates she just doesn't care. You said it was like a bad breakup, imagine how you would feel you got into a huge argument with your GF and you break up. You're miserable, and the next week you see her smiling and laughing with friends, like there's no problem at all. Obviously it would bother you. Same deal here.
posted by delmoi at 9:29 PM on October 19, 2009
Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now?
Because you didn't want to reconcile, you were expecting her to feel some sense of guilt and apologize... and she didn't. Channel your anger toward motivating you to kick her arse in business. It will be sooo sweet to show her that it doesn't take backstabbing to be successful.
posted by like_neon at 1:49 AM on October 20, 2009
Because you didn't want to reconcile, you were expecting her to feel some sense of guilt and apologize... and she didn't. Channel your anger toward motivating you to kick her arse in business. It will be sooo sweet to show her that it doesn't take backstabbing to be successful.
posted by like_neon at 1:49 AM on October 20, 2009
She is a psychopath. Someone who is unable to control themselves and actually gain satisfaction even when they know their actions will be detrimental to others, and lack any remorse for the pain and suffering they cause.
Just consider yourself lucky she wasn't one of the cut your head off and wear it like a hat kind of psychopaths. But for God's sake don't enable her behavior by forgiving her.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:53 AM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Just consider yourself lucky she wasn't one of the cut your head off and wear it like a hat kind of psychopaths. But for God's sake don't enable her behavior by forgiving her.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:53 AM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't know exactly how the phone conversation went between you and her, but consider for a moment that by saying "no hard feelings, let's reconcile" she was just being civil/polite. It might take an extended conversation to figure out what her true motives are at this point.
So while your feelings are totally justified, I'd suggest taking a step back, taking a deep breathe, thinking about what you want out of this, and reserving judgment until a real encounter with her again.
posted by randomstriker at 4:16 AM on October 20, 2009
So while your feelings are totally justified, I'd suggest taking a step back, taking a deep breathe, thinking about what you want out of this, and reserving judgment until a real encounter with her again.
posted by randomstriker at 4:16 AM on October 20, 2009
Probably because deep down you expected a reconciliation to include an apology, or at least an acknowledgement from her of the wrongdoing. For her to just say, "hey. I'd like to be friends again" with no mention of the screwing you over part is just salt in the wound.
posted by agentwills at 6:32 AM on October 20, 2009
posted by agentwills at 6:32 AM on October 20, 2009
I am ok with the dissolution No, you're in the post-divorce phase, and having a hard time getting through it. You've suffered a loss, with betrayal, financial misdeeds, and all the trappings. You have to process the grief. Some people use therapy for grief work, there are books, and a long walk with a dog helps.
posted by theora55 at 11:31 AM on October 20, 2009
posted by theora55 at 11:31 AM on October 20, 2009
"military industrial industry" -- urg! -- I meant to reference military contractors and others who profit from the industry of war. Sorry.
Hey - I forgot to tell you the good news.
4 years later, I absolutely accept that being backstabbed by someone who was both friend and business partner was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I did a lot of soul-searching. I made changes. I adopted a 'zero tolerance policy' regarding anyone who interferes with my financial security. I don't go bad-ass, but I do recede professionally and socially from people or situations that threaten my livelihood or well-being.
Today, I am in the best financial shape of my life. My income is stable. I enjoy my work. I no longer do things for money that make me unhappy. My overall quality of life is much improved.
You're only 6 months post biz break-up with someone who was a good friend for 12 years. This was a Big Deal Event in your life - no getting around it. While I think you can reconcile on the surface with this person (a good idea business-wise, btw) it is 300% OK to acknowledge privately, within yourself, how fucked up your ex-friend behaved toward you. You are probably going to rehash this in your head until you are done processing it and you become "de-sensitized" to the emotional aspects of the situation. (Look forward to that moment, btw -- it's a good one:)
You wrote:
"I spoke to her today by phone and asked if we would ever get to a point where we could still see each other at business events without avoiding the other..."
Umm, does that mean you initiated the phone call and the conversation?
If so, nothing good can come of that. You're essentially teaching this person that they can take advantage of you, and you'll come back for more. Don't call her back. Ignore her if she rings you. Tell yourself you're too busy to deal with her (you are) and then "forget" to respond. Move on physically, even if you haven't yet moved on mentally.
That noted, it is very good the ice has been broken between you - no matter who called who. When you see each other at business or social events, you no longer have to feel awkward. You can look her in the eye if you bump into each other, say "hi," and then move past her with equanimity.
It seems my experience might've been a little more extreme than yours -- which makes you very lucky, believe me. There are no short-cuts to feeling better unless you count allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Acknowledging your anger, grief and other noise is the quickest way to process it and let it go.
FWIW, I posted this answer to a question about getting over divorce last week. I actually based that answer entirely on things I did to cope after my business partnership betrayal.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:37 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Hey - I forgot to tell you the good news.
4 years later, I absolutely accept that being backstabbed by someone who was both friend and business partner was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I did a lot of soul-searching. I made changes. I adopted a 'zero tolerance policy' regarding anyone who interferes with my financial security. I don't go bad-ass, but I do recede professionally and socially from people or situations that threaten my livelihood or well-being.
Today, I am in the best financial shape of my life. My income is stable. I enjoy my work. I no longer do things for money that make me unhappy. My overall quality of life is much improved.
You're only 6 months post biz break-up with someone who was a good friend for 12 years. This was a Big Deal Event in your life - no getting around it. While I think you can reconcile on the surface with this person (a good idea business-wise, btw) it is 300% OK to acknowledge privately, within yourself, how fucked up your ex-friend behaved toward you. You are probably going to rehash this in your head until you are done processing it and you become "de-sensitized" to the emotional aspects of the situation. (Look forward to that moment, btw -- it's a good one:)
You wrote:
"I spoke to her today by phone and asked if we would ever get to a point where we could still see each other at business events without avoiding the other..."
Umm, does that mean you initiated the phone call and the conversation?
If so, nothing good can come of that. You're essentially teaching this person that they can take advantage of you, and you'll come back for more. Don't call her back. Ignore her if she rings you. Tell yourself you're too busy to deal with her (you are) and then "forget" to respond. Move on physically, even if you haven't yet moved on mentally.
That noted, it is very good the ice has been broken between you - no matter who called who. When you see each other at business or social events, you no longer have to feel awkward. You can look her in the eye if you bump into each other, say "hi," and then move past her with equanimity.
It seems my experience might've been a little more extreme than yours -- which makes you very lucky, believe me. There are no short-cuts to feeling better unless you count allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Acknowledging your anger, grief and other noise is the quickest way to process it and let it go.
FWIW, I posted this answer to a question about getting over divorce last week. I actually based that answer entirely on things I did to cope after my business partnership betrayal.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:37 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Because it confirms to you that it was, in fact, utterly impersonal and she had no emotional or personal motive - only a financial one - to fuck you over.
If you got the money you were owed, consider it finished. In small or regional industries that depend on personal connections, maximizing your own gain at all costs rather than maxiziming everyone's gains and then reaping an additional percentage is a bad strategy because the last period is so far in the future. Personally and professionally, you are better off in the long term than she is. Pity her, but don't spend any additional time doing it.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:21 PM on October 19, 2009 [2 favorites]