What can I do to help my friend see the good in things?
August 10, 2009 6:59 PM Subscribe
Help-a-friend-filter: how can I help my glass-half-empty friend be less of a downer? (Details inside)
I have a college friend who is doing well enough in life (he lives in an active city, likes where he works, has some good friends), but he chooses the to focus on the depressing parts in it all, especially his lack of girlfriend (which my Significant Other and I attribute to him being a downer and nit-picking things).
I like him enough to keep hanging out with him, but we've graduated and now live a couple hours apart. He's stayed at my place once, which was good for a while, but it eventually got to be too much for my S.O. She doesn't dislike him, but she'd like it if he didn't find fault and failure with so many things. I tend to ignore those comments, or say something rather neutral and direct the conversation elsewhere, but that's not helping him in broader social situations.
Hive mind, what should I do? Tell him to find somewhere else to stay when visiting me? Or can I nudge him towards more positive thoughts and help him become less focused on the shortcomings of the world?
I have a college friend who is doing well enough in life (he lives in an active city, likes where he works, has some good friends), but he chooses the to focus on the depressing parts in it all, especially his lack of girlfriend (which my Significant Other and I attribute to him being a downer and nit-picking things).
I like him enough to keep hanging out with him, but we've graduated and now live a couple hours apart. He's stayed at my place once, which was good for a while, but it eventually got to be too much for my S.O. She doesn't dislike him, but she'd like it if he didn't find fault and failure with so many things. I tend to ignore those comments, or say something rather neutral and direct the conversation elsewhere, but that's not helping him in broader social situations.
Hive mind, what should I do? Tell him to find somewhere else to stay when visiting me? Or can I nudge him towards more positive thoughts and help him become less focused on the shortcomings of the world?
I have been there. It was a very slow realization on my part that my attitude not only wasn't helping any, but was actually hindering my social activities and friendships. I wish I could have come around more quickly. The negative headspace is unfortunately very seductive, especially to the smart introvert.
Anything you can do to gently bring that self-awareness into focus for your friend will (eventually) be greatly appreciated.
Maybe ask him to think about the minor but positive things that people have said in the past that were meaningful to him. Or just gently urge him to be more aware of the effects his comments have on others, because he's intelligent enough that people take what he says seriously.
That kind of thing. Good luck!
posted by Aquaman at 7:17 PM on August 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Anything you can do to gently bring that self-awareness into focus for your friend will (eventually) be greatly appreciated.
Maybe ask him to think about the minor but positive things that people have said in the past that were meaningful to him. Or just gently urge him to be more aware of the effects his comments have on others, because he's intelligent enough that people take what he says seriously.
That kind of thing. Good luck!
posted by Aquaman at 7:17 PM on August 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
"Dude, why are you always such a downer? It's kinda depressing! If you focussed on the positive a bit more often and made an effort to enjoy whatever it is you're doing, you'd probably get a girlfriend in about ten seconds. Happiness is super-attractive to the opposite sex."
posted by smoke at 9:05 PM on August 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by smoke at 9:05 PM on August 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
Some people just plain like being miserable. It's a great way to court sympathy, be taken care of, and be the center of attention. Not that your friend isn't genuinely miserable, and there's nothing wrong with a healthy level of kvetching, but it's not the best way to be all the time.
The "ding training" idea mentioned above is funny, in a Dog Whisperer kind of way, but I think a more socially appropriate variation would be to deflect his negativity and keep shifting the subject to something positive. Make his pervasive, overbearing complaining into something subtly comical. Use non sequiturs if you have to. Don't let his negativity become the focus of attention. Make sure to be very interested in his half of the conversation: reward him for his "good behavior," and ignore him for his "bad behavior."
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:29 PM on August 10, 2009
The "ding training" idea mentioned above is funny, in a Dog Whisperer kind of way, but I think a more socially appropriate variation would be to deflect his negativity and keep shifting the subject to something positive. Make his pervasive, overbearing complaining into something subtly comical. Use non sequiturs if you have to. Don't let his negativity become the focus of attention. Make sure to be very interested in his half of the conversation: reward him for his "good behavior," and ignore him for his "bad behavior."
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:29 PM on August 10, 2009
I am that guy. Tell him to get a job at a hedge fund, he'll do well. He needs to figure out what he wants from life and he should be smart enough to realise that how other people percieve you is important and changes how they reward you. Emphasise this.
Tell him to address the challenge of knowing how pointless human existence is without letting all the ants know this is what he thinks, he can still have lots of fun. That should keep him busy for a while.
Dating is a big source of negativity for otherwise successful young men, we compare ourselves to what we see around us and go "I'm more successful, better dressed, nicer ...whatever ... why does he have a girlfriend and I don't" I think I spent years whinging about this, thankfully I seem to be through it now.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is quite good, as it avoids the usual religious overtones of the rest of the self help universe.
This has been recommended before.
posted by fistynuts at 2:39 AM on August 11, 2009
Tell him to address the challenge of knowing how pointless human existence is without letting all the ants know this is what he thinks, he can still have lots of fun. That should keep him busy for a while.
Dating is a big source of negativity for otherwise successful young men, we compare ourselves to what we see around us and go "I'm more successful, better dressed, nicer ...whatever ... why does he have a girlfriend and I don't" I think I spent years whinging about this, thankfully I seem to be through it now.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is quite good, as it avoids the usual religious overtones of the rest of the self help universe.
This has been recommended before.
posted by fistynuts at 2:39 AM on August 11, 2009
Tell him to address the challenge of knowing how pointless human existence is without letting all the ants know this is what he thinks, he can still have lots of fun. That should keep him busy for a while.
I strongly don't recommend encouraging him to be even more condescending and/or disdainful of his fellow human beings than he already is. In fact, I would do the opposite, and encourage him to find things to like about people.
He can retain whatever feelings he already possesses towards ants and other insects; they probably won't cotton on.
posted by smoke at 3:23 AM on August 11, 2009
I strongly don't recommend encouraging him to be even more condescending and/or disdainful of his fellow human beings than he already is. In fact, I would do the opposite, and encourage him to find things to like about people.
He can retain whatever feelings he already possesses towards ants and other insects; they probably won't cotton on.
posted by smoke at 3:23 AM on August 11, 2009
I wouldn't waste your time...
Bring it to his attention so he can change it, but don't be fooled into thinking there is anything anyone can throw into this void that'll change it.
Ugh! They are black-holes for happiness and exist from their own making.
A good thing can't fix this - he'll suck the life out of it.
A good friend can't fix this - he'll suck the life out of you.
A girlfriend won't fix this - he'll suck the life out of her.
That's not how the world fucking works. Happiness is a perception.
His perception.
So of course while you can point that out, that maybe this is where he's going wrong with it - everybody is just solely responsible for their own.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 4:55 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Bring it to his attention so he can change it, but don't be fooled into thinking there is anything anyone can throw into this void that'll change it.
Ugh! They are black-holes for happiness and exist from their own making.
A good thing can't fix this - he'll suck the life out of it.
A good friend can't fix this - he'll suck the life out of you.
A girlfriend won't fix this - he'll suck the life out of her.
That's not how the world fucking works. Happiness is a perception.
His perception.
So of course while you can point that out, that maybe this is where he's going wrong with it - everybody is just solely responsible for their own.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 4:55 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
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posted by amethysts at 7:15 PM on August 10, 2009