So, I'm thinking of becoming a spinster...
August 8, 2009 8:39 PM Subscribe
Yet another "giving up on dating forever" question.
I was married for 6 years, and have been divorced for almost 3 years. I am the custodial parent of one child, who is now 7. I am in my early 30's. By all accounts, I am mostly happy with my life. I have my kid and dog, a cute little house and a job I generally enjoy. I am also fortunate to have a friendly relationship with my ex. I have a nice life overall, better than a lot of people.
After I was divorced, I dated around a little bit, then had a somewhat serious relationship that ultimately didn't work out. After that, I took a break to sort of get some things in my life in order. I resumed dating not too long ago, but I have since realized that I really don't like it. At all. I'm not fond of dating other single parents, and I'm also not into casual hookups or one night stands.
At the same time, I can no longer imagine being in a long term relationship. I've had several and looking back, I was never happy as half of a couple. I also hated being married for a lot of reasons. I do not want anymore children, nor do I need the financial stability of marriage. Despite being very social, I need a lot of down time to pursue my own interests and constantly having someone around who needs attention (aside from my own child- that's different) is exhausting to me.
I've considered just not looking anymore and giving up on dating for good. It seems like more hassle than it's worth. I have a lot of friends and a good social life, so the whole human companionship part of the equation is pretty much covered. In a relationship I've always had a healthy sex drive, but seem to be pretty much take it or leave it about whether I need it or not. I've had sex maybe 5 times in the last 2 years and don't really miss it all that much.
However, anyone I've mentioned this idea to seems appalled that I would even consider it. Like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do it anymore. I am a reasonably attractive, smart and funny woman. I am low maintenance and not crazy. I get asked out from time to time and friends are always trying to set me up with people they know. But I'm not considering this because I can't get a date, just that I'm not all that excited about dating.
I just don't feel like doing it anymore. My life feels fulfilling enough as is. I have been extremely aggressive about saving and am looking forward to retiring early and traveling a lot in about 15 years. Dating seems more like a hassle than a fun activity. Being married and becoming tied down again seems even less ideal after trying it once.
I guess the question is, has anyone else opted out of relationships for good? Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to pair up with someone like most people do? Does being permanently single affect your life in ways that I am not seeing?.
And the biggest question of all is, will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
I was married for 6 years, and have been divorced for almost 3 years. I am the custodial parent of one child, who is now 7. I am in my early 30's. By all accounts, I am mostly happy with my life. I have my kid and dog, a cute little house and a job I generally enjoy. I am also fortunate to have a friendly relationship with my ex. I have a nice life overall, better than a lot of people.
After I was divorced, I dated around a little bit, then had a somewhat serious relationship that ultimately didn't work out. After that, I took a break to sort of get some things in my life in order. I resumed dating not too long ago, but I have since realized that I really don't like it. At all. I'm not fond of dating other single parents, and I'm also not into casual hookups or one night stands.
At the same time, I can no longer imagine being in a long term relationship. I've had several and looking back, I was never happy as half of a couple. I also hated being married for a lot of reasons. I do not want anymore children, nor do I need the financial stability of marriage. Despite being very social, I need a lot of down time to pursue my own interests and constantly having someone around who needs attention (aside from my own child- that's different) is exhausting to me.
I've considered just not looking anymore and giving up on dating for good. It seems like more hassle than it's worth. I have a lot of friends and a good social life, so the whole human companionship part of the equation is pretty much covered. In a relationship I've always had a healthy sex drive, but seem to be pretty much take it or leave it about whether I need it or not. I've had sex maybe 5 times in the last 2 years and don't really miss it all that much.
However, anyone I've mentioned this idea to seems appalled that I would even consider it. Like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do it anymore. I am a reasonably attractive, smart and funny woman. I am low maintenance and not crazy. I get asked out from time to time and friends are always trying to set me up with people they know. But I'm not considering this because I can't get a date, just that I'm not all that excited about dating.
I just don't feel like doing it anymore. My life feels fulfilling enough as is. I have been extremely aggressive about saving and am looking forward to retiring early and traveling a lot in about 15 years. Dating seems more like a hassle than a fun activity. Being married and becoming tied down again seems even less ideal after trying it once.
I guess the question is, has anyone else opted out of relationships for good? Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to pair up with someone like most people do? Does being permanently single affect your life in ways that I am not seeing?.
And the biggest question of all is, will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
If it's working for you, go for it, regardless of what other people say. With some people who decide to go ahead and just be happily single, a concern might be that they become too reclusive and too isolated, but you say you're social, so that doesn't seem to be a worry here. Just go ahead and live your life, and be open to whatever it might bring you. If you've got a number of rewarding and stable relationships in your life with friends and family, your child is probably getting all the good relationship modelling necessary.
posted by orange swan at 9:03 PM on August 8, 2009
posted by orange swan at 9:03 PM on August 8, 2009
If you are not enjoying dating, just don't do it. There is no such thing as declaring one day that henceforth you will be "permanently single".
posted by whiskeyspider at 9:05 PM on August 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by whiskeyspider at 9:05 PM on August 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
has anyone else opted out of relationships for good?
My girlfriend's Mum did this after separating from her husband, and 15+ years on she seems quite happy and content with her life.
Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to pair up with someone like most people do?
No. You're an outlier, certainly, but if pursuing this choice isn't causing you or the people around you (I'll get to that) any physical/emotional harm then it's not wrong. The same could be applied for people in polyamorous relationships. It's an uncommon relationship choice, but it works for some people.
Does being permanently single affect your life in ways that I am not seeing?
I can't answer this because I haven't been permanently single or spoken to anyone who's been permanently single all the way into retirement, old age, etc. What I can say is that it's not like you're surgically removing your ability to have relationships. If this choice ever starts to be a problem you can simply start looking again. Or, you might accidentally start having feelings for someone even though you think you're not looking, and that's okay too. (I should clarify that I don't mean this in patronising a "Oh don't worry, you can't see that you're wrong now but you'll eventually come around" way)
Will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
Maybe, maybe not. A lot of those foundations were already laid when your child was very young, back when you were still with your ex-husband. Exactly what effects this will have is hard to say, because it depends on so many complex things like extended family dynamics and so on. I do think that going against your gut and seeking out a relationship you don't want is a surefire way to model an unhealthy relationship for your child you observe.
You sound like you've got your life in a pretty healthy place right now. You know what you want, you have the compassion and self-respect to want to ensure it's not going to hurt anyone or yourself, and you have the self confidence to make it happen despite it not being the status quo. Sounds like a recipe for happiness and it makes you a great role model.
posted by teem at 9:06 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
My girlfriend's Mum did this after separating from her husband, and 15+ years on she seems quite happy and content with her life.
Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to pair up with someone like most people do?
No. You're an outlier, certainly, but if pursuing this choice isn't causing you or the people around you (I'll get to that) any physical/emotional harm then it's not wrong. The same could be applied for people in polyamorous relationships. It's an uncommon relationship choice, but it works for some people.
Does being permanently single affect your life in ways that I am not seeing?
I can't answer this because I haven't been permanently single or spoken to anyone who's been permanently single all the way into retirement, old age, etc. What I can say is that it's not like you're surgically removing your ability to have relationships. If this choice ever starts to be a problem you can simply start looking again. Or, you might accidentally start having feelings for someone even though you think you're not looking, and that's okay too. (I should clarify that I don't mean this in patronising a "Oh don't worry, you can't see that you're wrong now but you'll eventually come around" way)
Will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
Maybe, maybe not. A lot of those foundations were already laid when your child was very young, back when you were still with your ex-husband. Exactly what effects this will have is hard to say, because it depends on so many complex things like extended family dynamics and so on. I do think that going against your gut and seeking out a relationship you don't want is a surefire way to model an unhealthy relationship for your child you observe.
You sound like you've got your life in a pretty healthy place right now. You know what you want, you have the compassion and self-respect to want to ensure it's not going to hurt anyone or yourself, and you have the self confidence to make it happen despite it not being the status quo. Sounds like a recipe for happiness and it makes you a great role model.
posted by teem at 9:06 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to be in a relationship.
My hunch is that if your child sees you have normal, healthy, social interaction, that will be enough of a model for her future romantic relationships. I also suspect that if she sees you forcing yourself to date in order to set a good example, that might not work so well... if nothing else, you'll be pushing that bothersome gender idea - that a woman needs a man.
If you don't want to date, don't date. When people pry, try to shut them down. If they try to fix you up, tell them that you have enough going on and just don't want to meet him right now. If they push, start asking probing questions about their sex lives - they'll either back off or switch topics. Either way, the pressure is off you.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting your life to be the way you want it to be. There is something wrong - forgivable and understandable, but wrong - with people want you to live that gender stereotype.
I have not given up on dating, but sometimes I just can't be bothered. And I do know a few people who stopped having romantic/sex lives for years, for their own reasons, and they are perfectly happy.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:07 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
My hunch is that if your child sees you have normal, healthy, social interaction, that will be enough of a model for her future romantic relationships. I also suspect that if she sees you forcing yourself to date in order to set a good example, that might not work so well... if nothing else, you'll be pushing that bothersome gender idea - that a woman needs a man.
If you don't want to date, don't date. When people pry, try to shut them down. If they try to fix you up, tell them that you have enough going on and just don't want to meet him right now. If they push, start asking probing questions about their sex lives - they'll either back off or switch topics. Either way, the pressure is off you.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting your life to be the way you want it to be. There is something wrong - forgivable and understandable, but wrong - with people want you to live that gender stereotype.
I have not given up on dating, but sometimes I just can't be bothered. And I do know a few people who stopped having romantic/sex lives for years, for their own reasons, and they are perfectly happy.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:07 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
I would think it would be less stressful on your kid to not date while he or she is so young. Good for you.
posted by txvtchick at 9:09 PM on August 8, 2009
posted by txvtchick at 9:09 PM on August 8, 2009
There is something to be said for you giving your child a stable life-which in fact is what you are doing right now. If you are happy to be single, there's nothing wrong with it. And if at some point you decide differently you will always have that option.
I would say that the fact you are actually asking this question might betray a bit of ambivalence, but that would be normal as well.
Perhaps you could frame this to others as you simply "taking a break." Up to you how long said break is!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:12 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
I would say that the fact you are actually asking this question might betray a bit of ambivalence, but that would be normal as well.
Perhaps you could frame this to others as you simply "taking a break." Up to you how long said break is!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:12 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
This sounds like a question of overthinking. You're not looking for a relationship, everything is fine in your life, so, end of story. Should you at some point in the future become interested in a relationship, or in a particular person you can address that then. For the moment, address the parts of your life that you are concerned with, not the ones other people are concerned with.
For what it's worth, I've known plenty of women to have divorced and never remarried / seriously dated again. Some of them might have been a bit older than you when their first marriage ended, but not by that much, and it's still plenty of single years we're talking.
posted by mdn at 9:13 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, I've known plenty of women to have divorced and never remarried / seriously dated again. Some of them might have been a bit older than you when their first marriage ended, but not by that much, and it's still plenty of single years we're talking.
posted by mdn at 9:13 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
It sounds you've established a very satisfying life without a romantic partner. Kudos! I believe that's a prerequisite to truly appreciating another's company.
It also sounds like all the guys you're meeting or getting set up with aren't on your wavelength or don't fit well into your life.
That may mean that it's not worth your time to date. But I wouldn't write it off. I believe there's always someone out there who could add to your life. Perhaps a more targeted approach would yield more suitable potential partners. People a bit older tend to be more direct. Have you tried taking out a personal and being very specific about your wants?
One last thing, it's okay not to date people. Screw the naysayers.
posted by dualityofmind at 9:19 PM on August 8, 2009
It also sounds like all the guys you're meeting or getting set up with aren't on your wavelength or don't fit well into your life.
That may mean that it's not worth your time to date. But I wouldn't write it off. I believe there's always someone out there who could add to your life. Perhaps a more targeted approach would yield more suitable potential partners. People a bit older tend to be more direct. Have you tried taking out a personal and being very specific about your wants?
One last thing, it's okay not to date people. Screw the naysayers.
posted by dualityofmind at 9:19 PM on August 8, 2009
Your entire AskMe reads like a single's ad. You're obviously trying to justify your single lifestyle, which is fine, but do so in a way that says you're open for anything.
My advice: take this attitude online, work the various dating websites, and be grown up and serious about what you want. Go on dates, but only do so with other people who seem equally grown up and serious, and keep at it until you find someone you like.
It's not easy, but it ain't hard either, sister. Hang in there.
posted by wfrgms at 9:36 PM on August 8, 2009
My advice: take this attitude online, work the various dating websites, and be grown up and serious about what you want. Go on dates, but only do so with other people who seem equally grown up and serious, and keep at it until you find someone you like.
It's not easy, but it ain't hard either, sister. Hang in there.
posted by wfrgms at 9:36 PM on August 8, 2009
My mother was widowed at 52, when I was still in college. It's been more than 20 years and she's never bothered to date since, and is perfectly happy alone. She has a satisfactory social life and does what she wants, when she wants it. She's told me she would never consider dating and doesn't miss it at all. (Nor, apparently, sex, although we haven't had that discussion in detail.)
My great aunt got divorced after WWII and never remarried. She had relationships, but didn't want to live with or tie herself to another man. She was my role model for having a grownup life without a wedding ring.
If what you model for your child is a happy single life, more power to you. Your child will see happy marriages modeled, but happy single people are few and far between, especially if she's a girl seeing a successful, independent woman as a normal part of life.
posted by immlass at 9:47 PM on August 8, 2009
My great aunt got divorced after WWII and never remarried. She had relationships, but didn't want to live with or tie herself to another man. She was my role model for having a grownup life without a wedding ring.
If what you model for your child is a happy single life, more power to you. Your child will see happy marriages modeled, but happy single people are few and far between, especially if she's a girl seeing a successful, independent woman as a normal part of life.
posted by immlass at 9:47 PM on August 8, 2009
absolutely nothing wrong with you. a ton of people I know are in your boat. Each asks themselves is its 'normal'. If they knew about each other, they'd realize just how normal it is.
posted by jak68 at 9:50 PM on August 8, 2009
posted by jak68 at 9:50 PM on August 8, 2009
Seems fathomable that there's someone out there who is compatible--in terms of much direct-interaction time they want. I've met my share of people who have thoroughly enjoyed relationships, cared a great deal about the person and didn't live together, see each other every day or close.
Dunno if I am reading too much into "not looking," but while I know folks who have had success in what amounted to Quest for Person, gobs of people never launched the Quest, just happened across someone who caught their eye.
Maybe there's not looking, but not shutting off the possibility and taking it as it comes, realizing that someone could ring your chimes, want the same sort of time to themselves, etc., that you desire?
Too, I'm a big believer in the thought that it's hard to say where anyone's head will be in, say, a couple years... or seven years. Such are your desires now, though, and you're happy so life's good.
Oh by the way, and I say this in the most gentlemanly, respectful way possible, you sound like a superb catch. Here's hoping that if it's what you want at some point, via an effort or happenstance, you find someone terrific who deserves the pleasure of knowing you.
posted by ambient2 at 9:52 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
Dunno if I am reading too much into "not looking," but while I know folks who have had success in what amounted to Quest for Person, gobs of people never launched the Quest, just happened across someone who caught their eye.
Maybe there's not looking, but not shutting off the possibility and taking it as it comes, realizing that someone could ring your chimes, want the same sort of time to themselves, etc., that you desire?
Too, I'm a big believer in the thought that it's hard to say where anyone's head will be in, say, a couple years... or seven years. Such are your desires now, though, and you're happy so life's good.
Oh by the way, and I say this in the most gentlemanly, respectful way possible, you sound like a superb catch. Here's hoping that if it's what you want at some point, via an effort or happenstance, you find someone terrific who deserves the pleasure of knowing you.
posted by ambient2 at 9:52 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
As the only daughter of a happily single (until she was 60!) non-dating mom, I say do what makes you happy! Plus, being secure in who you are as an independent woman has got to be as strong of a message for your child as "modeling healthy relationships." That's not to say that I don't understand your concern or, occasionally, wonder what if mom had met someone and remarried before I was, um, 35; I do.
I didn't really understand or think about it when I was a kid. Which is odd because, growing up, I didn't know anybody else that didn't have two parents in the home. I thought about it a lot more when I was in my late 20s and watching my grandparents age. Then I worried about what would happen as mom got older and couldn't be as active and her friends passed away or moved to retirement communities and whatnot. I didn't want her to be lonely, socially. And, I worried about her living alone in that future time - who would remind her to take her pills or notice if she was showing signs of dementia. But, as I got older, I realized that wasn't really a huge concern - you build your networks and you find ways. And go figure, right around then, she went and found herself a guy. I never would have thought it. Never.
They're perfect for each other. It's amazing to watch her go through this change and become a happily married woman. I am so glad that it happened naturally and she didn't "settle" when I little. I'm especially thankful that she didn't she didn't go into a relationship because of me. No matter how it would have turned out, I wouldn't have wanted mom to give up herself anymore than she already did for me. You give so much of yourself when you have children, you shouldn't feel the need to force yourself into a relationship, too.
If a relationship comes, it does. If it doesn't or if you don't want one... no big deal. Your child will find relationships to model (grandparents, close friends of yours, etc). I know I did.
posted by imbri at 10:22 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
I didn't really understand or think about it when I was a kid. Which is odd because, growing up, I didn't know anybody else that didn't have two parents in the home. I thought about it a lot more when I was in my late 20s and watching my grandparents age. Then I worried about what would happen as mom got older and couldn't be as active and her friends passed away or moved to retirement communities and whatnot. I didn't want her to be lonely, socially. And, I worried about her living alone in that future time - who would remind her to take her pills or notice if she was showing signs of dementia. But, as I got older, I realized that wasn't really a huge concern - you build your networks and you find ways. And go figure, right around then, she went and found herself a guy. I never would have thought it. Never.
They're perfect for each other. It's amazing to watch her go through this change and become a happily married woman. I am so glad that it happened naturally and she didn't "settle" when I little. I'm especially thankful that she didn't she didn't go into a relationship because of me. No matter how it would have turned out, I wouldn't have wanted mom to give up herself anymore than she already did for me. You give so much of yourself when you have children, you shouldn't feel the need to force yourself into a relationship, too.
If a relationship comes, it does. If it doesn't or if you don't want one... no big deal. Your child will find relationships to model (grandparents, close friends of yours, etc). I know I did.
posted by imbri at 10:22 PM on August 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
I can't common on opting out of relationships for good, although I could suggest Neko Case's "Fox Confessor Brings The Flood" -- there's two songs on there in particular, "Hold On", and "Teenage Feeling" that might resound with/within you.
posted by SpecialK at 12:06 AM on August 9, 2009
And the biggest question of all is, will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?If anything, you might be demonstrating that she doesn't have to make that decision one way or another and is free instead to explore life fully and make up her own mind. My parents were married, but that hasn't kept me from not necessarily wanting to settle down -- I do, but I want a partnership, which seems to not work for many of the women I date. My parents also did not have pets -- and therefore deprived us of the skills and emotional tools that come from caring for a dependent being -- yet my sister and I both have pets now, and are better people for having them. People are resilient. Children, especially so. You won't somehow rob her by choosing one thing or another.
posted by SpecialK at 12:06 AM on August 9, 2009
I am in the same position minus child, dog. Oh and if I'm being honest, whilst I can support myself, it's not easy. I'm where I want to be in a house I want to be in, and I'm working on the career/money thing.
However, I am perfectly happy being single also. I don't actively look (I do occasionally window shop on free to look dating sites).
My advise is the same as most others on here - if you don't want to date, don't date. Pursue your normal healthy social activities - far better for your child to learn from than dysfunctional relationships / dating that you don't really want to do. The only thing I would say, is if you do meet someone in the future through your normal activities who you feel that spark with, don't close yourself off because you have decided to be single. I firmly believe things happen for a reason.
posted by nunoidia at 12:46 AM on August 9, 2009
However, I am perfectly happy being single also. I don't actively look (I do occasionally window shop on free to look dating sites).
My advise is the same as most others on here - if you don't want to date, don't date. Pursue your normal healthy social activities - far better for your child to learn from than dysfunctional relationships / dating that you don't really want to do. The only thing I would say, is if you do meet someone in the future through your normal activities who you feel that spark with, don't close yourself off because you have decided to be single. I firmly believe things happen for a reason.
posted by nunoidia at 12:46 AM on August 9, 2009
A friend of mine opted out of dating (admittedly after a 25 year marriage ending in divorce, and 4 fantastic kids) because everyone he dated, and he sampled widely, was a disappointment.
He seems very happy with his decision.
However he is still open to finding someone ...
YMMV
posted by jannw at 12:56 AM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
He seems very happy with his decision.
However he is still open to finding someone ...
YMMV
posted by jannw at 12:56 AM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
And the biggest question of all is, will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
I think it's good and important for kids to have healthy romantic relationships modeled for them. You don't have to be the one doing the modeling, though--does your kid have happily married aunts and uncles to spend time with? Neighbors or your adult friends that have good relationships? Friends' parents? These all work too.
(I was the kid in this sort of situation, and the not-my-parents couples I grew up around still shaped my view of relationships.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:05 AM on August 9, 2009
I think it's good and important for kids to have healthy romantic relationships modeled for them. You don't have to be the one doing the modeling, though--does your kid have happily married aunts and uncles to spend time with? Neighbors or your adult friends that have good relationships? Friends' parents? These all work too.
(I was the kid in this sort of situation, and the not-my-parents couples I grew up around still shaped my view of relationships.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:05 AM on August 9, 2009
has anyone else opted out of relationships for good?
Me, sort of. I have often opted out of relationships "for good" and it seems like just when I'm feeling the most committed to being single again, some guy comes along to "ruin" it.
My kid is also age 7, and I too worry about what I'm modeling as far as relationships go, but the truth is I'm not that good at relationships, so it's not very likely I'll be that good at modeling that! But there are things I am good at that I can model (e.g. devotion to family and friends, fitness, fun hobbies, travel), and I can do this better, plus be way more attentive as a parent, when I'm not trying to evolve a romance, which just takes a lot of energy and doesn't come that easily to me. So yeah, I don't know if we have to make this kind of decision "for good", but "for the time being" works for me.
I have told myself that I'll start being more deliberate about dating in about 6 or 7 years, when getting babysitters isn't as much of an issue. And like others advise above, I'd like to think that if Mr. Perfect shows up in the interim, I'll be able to somehow recognize him and break out of my single-for-good dogma to give him a shot.
posted by gubenuj at 1:08 AM on August 9, 2009
Me, sort of. I have often opted out of relationships "for good" and it seems like just when I'm feeling the most committed to being single again, some guy comes along to "ruin" it.
My kid is also age 7, and I too worry about what I'm modeling as far as relationships go, but the truth is I'm not that good at relationships, so it's not very likely I'll be that good at modeling that! But there are things I am good at that I can model (e.g. devotion to family and friends, fitness, fun hobbies, travel), and I can do this better, plus be way more attentive as a parent, when I'm not trying to evolve a romance, which just takes a lot of energy and doesn't come that easily to me. So yeah, I don't know if we have to make this kind of decision "for good", but "for the time being" works for me.
I have told myself that I'll start being more deliberate about dating in about 6 or 7 years, when getting babysitters isn't as much of an issue. And like others advise above, I'd like to think that if Mr. Perfect shows up in the interim, I'll be able to somehow recognize him and break out of my single-for-good dogma to give him a shot.
posted by gubenuj at 1:08 AM on August 9, 2009
Number one, I disagree with wfrgms that your post reads like a personal ad. It doesn't read that way at all, to me. There's no reason for you to feel that you have to take that advice to use this post in online dating, when you came here to ask about not wanting to date (!).
Anyway, what's better, not having relationships modeled for your kid, or having an unhealthy relationship modeled for them. A lot of kids grow up with parents who are in unhappy marriages, or unhappy dating, and turn out fine. Why wouldn't a kid whose mom didn't date also have the potential to turn out fine?
You can definitely stop dating, but resume if you meet someone who seems really worthwhile.
posted by ishotjr at 1:25 AM on August 9, 2009
Anyway, what's better, not having relationships modeled for your kid, or having an unhealthy relationship modeled for them. A lot of kids grow up with parents who are in unhappy marriages, or unhappy dating, and turn out fine. Why wouldn't a kid whose mom didn't date also have the potential to turn out fine?
You can definitely stop dating, but resume if you meet someone who seems really worthwhile.
posted by ishotjr at 1:25 AM on August 9, 2009
I've considered just not looking anymore and giving up on dating for good. It seems like more hassle than it's worth. I have a lot of friends and a good social life, so the whole human companionship part of the equation is pretty much covered. In a relationship I've always had a healthy sex drive, but seem to be pretty much take it or leave it about whether I need it or not.
That sounds pretty much like my experience over the last four or five years; so much so that I could've written it myself.
If I can offer anything at all, I'd suggest you think about whether you're opposed to being in a relationship per se, or whether you just can't be bothered doing the kinds of things that one normally needs to do in order to meet potential partners - the whole high effort & low return, "more hassle than it's worth" side of things.
Also, this site might contain some tidbits that could be of interest or use to you.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:36 AM on August 9, 2009
That sounds pretty much like my experience over the last four or five years; so much so that I could've written it myself.
If I can offer anything at all, I'd suggest you think about whether you're opposed to being in a relationship per se, or whether you just can't be bothered doing the kinds of things that one normally needs to do in order to meet potential partners - the whole high effort & low return, "more hassle than it's worth" side of things.
Also, this site might contain some tidbits that could be of interest or use to you.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:36 AM on August 9, 2009
I have opted out of dating/relationship seeking. I'm 37 and have never found any of it--however lovely some of the guys were--to be terribly compelling. I happily call myself a spinster and also get shocked responses from friends. 'Oh you'll find someone!' 'Oh you'll change your mind' and the like.
What I think that's about, really, is that my declaration and my general ease and sense of humor about it tends to fundamentally knock people askew. By saying that I neither want nor need that kind of companionship, the choices they've made are suddenly called into question (not, I must add, by me).
A lot of people go through life on autopilot: go to college, get a mate, get married, buy a house, have a kid, go to work, etc etc without much self reflection. They do these things because their parents and friends do them and hey, why not? Take one step off that comfy and familiar path and who knows what will happen!
Self awareness is rare, I am coming to find.
As for whether or not being coupled will affect your child--that's hard to say. My mom was a single parent. When I was in junior high, she deliberately got involved with a much older man in order to give me a father. This was a bad choice because it wasn't about love or even about me. I hated the three years we lived there and I hated my mom for not understanding that I didn't need or want a father. So in my experience, I would say that faking it for the sake of maintaining a perceived notion of normality is less than optimal.
Thus, I never had any models of romantic relationships to work from (save television and movies). That's not to say that if I had, they would have been good or healthy models, either. It affected me insofar as I had to decide for myself what I wanted. And I figured that much out.
posted by gsh at 5:26 AM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
What I think that's about, really, is that my declaration and my general ease and sense of humor about it tends to fundamentally knock people askew. By saying that I neither want nor need that kind of companionship, the choices they've made are suddenly called into question (not, I must add, by me).
A lot of people go through life on autopilot: go to college, get a mate, get married, buy a house, have a kid, go to work, etc etc without much self reflection. They do these things because their parents and friends do them and hey, why not? Take one step off that comfy and familiar path and who knows what will happen!
Self awareness is rare, I am coming to find.
As for whether or not being coupled will affect your child--that's hard to say. My mom was a single parent. When I was in junior high, she deliberately got involved with a much older man in order to give me a father. This was a bad choice because it wasn't about love or even about me. I hated the three years we lived there and I hated my mom for not understanding that I didn't need or want a father. So in my experience, I would say that faking it for the sake of maintaining a perceived notion of normality is less than optimal.
Thus, I never had any models of romantic relationships to work from (save television and movies). That's not to say that if I had, they would have been good or healthy models, either. It affected me insofar as I had to decide for myself what I wanted. And I figured that much out.
posted by gsh at 5:26 AM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Well there are only so many hours in the day and it sounds like you have prioritised your time and energy towards things that give back to you. Like others upthread I know a lot of single mothers that have happy fulfilling lives without dating. All of their children have turned out fine and not in dysfunctional relationships.
posted by saucysault at 5:45 AM on August 9, 2009
posted by saucysault at 5:45 AM on August 9, 2009
There is a strong push to couple people up. I was going to say a "cultural push" but it's more than that, because I can't think of a culture that doesn't do it. So maybe it's some leftover instinct.
And it's doubly so for women. Look at your title: "Spinster" has some negative connotations, doesn't it? "Old maid." Ugh.
The message is that you need someone to "complete you." That you are unloving if you choose to remain single. That somehow, subconsciously, you are fooling yourself and you are actually looking for a mate. Ever see a movie or TV show, or read a book where someone is happily and successfully choosing to be single as a life choice? Think back; can you think of even one??
My take is, to hell with all that. You don't need anyone's permission to live your life the way you want.
I knew a woman who was like you. She had the most amazing life. She followed her interests, and she just didn't care what the family/friends/neighbors/coworkers said. When I look back on the people I've known, it's her life that I think has been the most rewarding, and she clearly had no regrets about this choice. She's in her 60s now, recently picking up stakes and moving to another state to pursue an additional degree just because it's something she wanted to learn and there was nothing holding her back.
Being different does not mean you are less. Sometimes, it means you are more.
posted by Houstonian at 5:49 AM on August 9, 2009 [13 favorites]
And it's doubly so for women. Look at your title: "Spinster" has some negative connotations, doesn't it? "Old maid." Ugh.
The message is that you need someone to "complete you." That you are unloving if you choose to remain single. That somehow, subconsciously, you are fooling yourself and you are actually looking for a mate. Ever see a movie or TV show, or read a book where someone is happily and successfully choosing to be single as a life choice? Think back; can you think of even one??
My take is, to hell with all that. You don't need anyone's permission to live your life the way you want.
I knew a woman who was like you. She had the most amazing life. She followed her interests, and she just didn't care what the family/friends/neighbors/coworkers said. When I look back on the people I've known, it's her life that I think has been the most rewarding, and she clearly had no regrets about this choice. She's in her 60s now, recently picking up stakes and moving to another state to pursue an additional degree just because it's something she wanted to learn and there was nothing holding her back.
Being different does not mean you are less. Sometimes, it means you are more.
posted by Houstonian at 5:49 AM on August 9, 2009 [13 favorites]
Check out these two posts I made to the main site about this subject: Why I'm Alone and 15 years Without Knocking Boots.
In short, this is fine if it's what you want to do, but despite the encouraging and thoughtful tone of this thread, it's contentious topic to others, as you've probably started to notice.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:55 AM on August 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
In short, this is fine if it's what you want to do, but despite the encouraging and thoughtful tone of this thread, it's contentious topic to others, as you've probably started to notice.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:55 AM on August 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
And the biggest question of all is, will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
I have two single parents. My Mom who has basically been single for most of the time since she and my Dad split [when I was 11] and my Dad who is recently out of a ten year marriage [not to my Mom] and it's been fine. They raised two very independent and pretty satisfied women and I think it's been a bit of a blessing to have them as role models because I definitely feel "whole" even when I'm not part of a couple. My sister and I both are in relationships at the moment, but both of them just happened when we weren't really looking for them and both of them are, in an odd way, sort of hands-off. People think they're weird, we don't mind that.
That said, there's a lot of pressure to couple up. THAT said, I ignore it. It's easier to do when you're an adult and have all the other To Do boxes checked [money, home, family, etc] because people leave you alone and don't try to fix you.
So, I guess if you're concerned about your child I'd just maintain an open mind about it. I think if you're like "I've given up on dating!" it seems a little like a "protest too much" situation. You can just not date and have it not be a thing, resist getting set up by friends and just live your life. I think if you slide into the "single is better, only stupid people date!" [not saying that's you, just exaggerating for effect] that sort of outlook might be harmful to a kid who may be interested in coupling up. Have a stock pat answer to why you're not part of a couple "I've been doing this that or the other and I'm happy like this" that will make sense to kids and then it's just sort of a done deal. I explain to children of family members why I don't have kids all the time, it comes with the territory of being social but I have a standard answer and it's not a thing for me.
There are times, too, in the middle of the night when I worry that maybe I'm too independent and that, like UbuRoivas says, that I'm missing some essential part of something that makes us human that not only allows for but in fact encouraged coupling up [I don't have kids either, I'm totally okay with that decision] and I do spend some time thinking about that. Not in a "oh I am broken!" way but just in a "huh, I should probably take that into account when I'm doing a self-assessment personality-wise" way.
So I think whatever decisions you make, they're always with you in one way or the other. If you're okay with this one, and it seems like you are, then I'd just go forward being you and if that's the way you are, then go be that.
posted by jessamyn at 6:20 AM on August 9, 2009
I have two single parents. My Mom who has basically been single for most of the time since she and my Dad split [when I was 11] and my Dad who is recently out of a ten year marriage [not to my Mom] and it's been fine. They raised two very independent and pretty satisfied women and I think it's been a bit of a blessing to have them as role models because I definitely feel "whole" even when I'm not part of a couple. My sister and I both are in relationships at the moment, but both of them just happened when we weren't really looking for them and both of them are, in an odd way, sort of hands-off. People think they're weird, we don't mind that.
That said, there's a lot of pressure to couple up. THAT said, I ignore it. It's easier to do when you're an adult and have all the other To Do boxes checked [money, home, family, etc] because people leave you alone and don't try to fix you.
So, I guess if you're concerned about your child I'd just maintain an open mind about it. I think if you're like "I've given up on dating!" it seems a little like a "protest too much" situation. You can just not date and have it not be a thing, resist getting set up by friends and just live your life. I think if you slide into the "single is better, only stupid people date!" [not saying that's you, just exaggerating for effect] that sort of outlook might be harmful to a kid who may be interested in coupling up. Have a stock pat answer to why you're not part of a couple "I've been doing this that or the other and I'm happy like this" that will make sense to kids and then it's just sort of a done deal. I explain to children of family members why I don't have kids all the time, it comes with the territory of being social but I have a standard answer and it's not a thing for me.
There are times, too, in the middle of the night when I worry that maybe I'm too independent and that, like UbuRoivas says, that I'm missing some essential part of something that makes us human that not only allows for but in fact encouraged coupling up [I don't have kids either, I'm totally okay with that decision] and I do spend some time thinking about that. Not in a "oh I am broken!" way but just in a "huh, I should probably take that into account when I'm doing a self-assessment personality-wise" way.
So I think whatever decisions you make, they're always with you in one way or the other. If you're okay with this one, and it seems like you are, then I'd just go forward being you and if that's the way you are, then go be that.
posted by jessamyn at 6:20 AM on August 9, 2009
Anecdote: my parents got divorced when I was a newborn. I never met my father. My mother dated until I was around 5 and then decided she was done with it.
I had good, normal relationships throughout my 20s and am now 34, married 5 years and very happy.
posted by gaspode at 7:23 AM on August 9, 2009
I had good, normal relationships throughout my 20s and am now 34, married 5 years and very happy.
posted by gaspode at 7:23 AM on August 9, 2009
Check out Be your own dating service. You may find some answers in there. It addresses the no-more-dating option (but obviously, given the title, it's not too positive about it.)
posted by Estragon at 10:17 AM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Estragon at 10:17 AM on August 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
And the biggest question of all is, will it affect my child somehow by not modeling any healthy, romantic relationships for her?
You (and she, and me, and us) are so awash in the Hollywood trope that single means "still looking for love", that it could be a good thing to have something in her life that suggests "hey - you don't need someone to complete you. It's also healthy to be self-fulfilled".
posted by -harlequin- at 12:21 PM on August 9, 2009
You (and she, and me, and us) are so awash in the Hollywood trope that single means "still looking for love", that it could be a good thing to have something in her life that suggests "hey - you don't need someone to complete you. It's also healthy to be self-fulfilled".
posted by -harlequin- at 12:21 PM on August 9, 2009
St. Alia of the Bunnies has it, again!!
My story: No children, divorced @ 32, dated quite a bit (younger, older, peers - you name it) hated dating eventually because I learned so much from my divorce and it was difficult dealing with potential partners who had to do so much catch-up work (even if they were divorced like me...) Eventually, I never announced it to my friends, but I did stop dating.
I was happy and fine. Life was good. I felt great (even tho not actively looking for a partner at my age seemed against the grain...)
One day, I met this fellow. I noticed how lovely and handsome and intelligent he was. I thought, "Oh, he'll never like me. I couldn't possibly be his type!"
Married 6 months later. Going on 2 years. I realize now I was never married before (even tho I was with my ex - who is a nice guy! - for over 8 years) because experience means everything.
Perhaps, experience makes dating difficult. I predict when the "right one" comes along, you will see them. Know them instantly. Why waste your time in the interim??
Best.
posted by jbenben at 5:30 PM on August 9, 2009
My story: No children, divorced @ 32, dated quite a bit (younger, older, peers - you name it) hated dating eventually because I learned so much from my divorce and it was difficult dealing with potential partners who had to do so much catch-up work (even if they were divorced like me...) Eventually, I never announced it to my friends, but I did stop dating.
I was happy and fine. Life was good. I felt great (even tho not actively looking for a partner at my age seemed against the grain...)
One day, I met this fellow. I noticed how lovely and handsome and intelligent he was. I thought, "Oh, he'll never like me. I couldn't possibly be his type!"
Married 6 months later. Going on 2 years. I realize now I was never married before (even tho I was with my ex - who is a nice guy! - for over 8 years) because experience means everything.
Perhaps, experience makes dating difficult. I predict when the "right one" comes along, you will see them. Know them instantly. Why waste your time in the interim??
Best.
posted by jbenben at 5:30 PM on August 9, 2009
There are times, too, in the middle of the night when I worry that maybe I'm too independent and that, like UbuRoivas says, that I'm missing some essential part of something that makes us human that not only allows for but in fact encouraged coupling up
You know, I'm not really sure that I either said or implied such a thing, but that is indeed a thought that happens from time to time. And, as jessamyn says, it's quite far from "Geez, I must be broken"...more like "Huh, how did that happen? Another year has passed & I still haven't even reached a kind of 'first base' towards anything resembling a lifetime, marriage-like situation"
But then I just get on with doing what I do & the time continues to fly by & it could be that I wonder abstractedly again a half year later that maybe I'm missing out on nice things, and should perhaps do something about it - because there *are* good aspects about being in a relationship that can be hard to get in other ways, but it really ends up as a kind of microeconomic decision in the end - ie is the time & effort worth the return? (especially when I don't have that much of either up my sleeve)
So, it ends up with a situation of being open to the possibility of something happening out of the blue, but stopping far short of the kinds of things that people regularly do to meet significant others - eg online dating, signing up for classes after hours, frequenting singles bars or events, asking hundreds of random people out for coffee, etc etc etc.
I think if you're like "I've given up on dating!" it seems a little like a "protest too much" situation.
That sums it up quite well. Better to adopt a relaxed, neutral position, rather than tell yourself that you're opposed to the whole thing. Keep an open mind, in other words.
I'm not sure how relevant any of this is to your particular frame of mind, but if you're asking for peoples' experiences, well, it's another anecdotal data point.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:31 PM on August 9, 2009
You know, I'm not really sure that I either said or implied such a thing, but that is indeed a thought that happens from time to time. And, as jessamyn says, it's quite far from "Geez, I must be broken"...more like "Huh, how did that happen? Another year has passed & I still haven't even reached a kind of 'first base' towards anything resembling a lifetime, marriage-like situation"
But then I just get on with doing what I do & the time continues to fly by & it could be that I wonder abstractedly again a half year later that maybe I'm missing out on nice things, and should perhaps do something about it - because there *are* good aspects about being in a relationship that can be hard to get in other ways, but it really ends up as a kind of microeconomic decision in the end - ie is the time & effort worth the return? (especially when I don't have that much of either up my sleeve)
So, it ends up with a situation of being open to the possibility of something happening out of the blue, but stopping far short of the kinds of things that people regularly do to meet significant others - eg online dating, signing up for classes after hours, frequenting singles bars or events, asking hundreds of random people out for coffee, etc etc etc.
I think if you're like "I've given up on dating!" it seems a little like a "protest too much" situation.
That sums it up quite well. Better to adopt a relaxed, neutral position, rather than tell yourself that you're opposed to the whole thing. Keep an open mind, in other words.
I'm not sure how relevant any of this is to your particular frame of mind, but if you're asking for peoples' experiences, well, it's another anecdotal data point.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:31 PM on August 9, 2009
My partner's mother hasn't dated anyone since leaving his father when my partner was 4, and he's fine. And quite good at marriage, if I do say so myself! He looked at me like I was odd when I asked him about this question, so I have his word for it that he sees no reason it would have a bad effect on your kid. If anything, I find that he's more feminist than most men I've dated, perhaps because he's used to his mom being able to do everything and anything.
posted by heatherann at 6:00 PM on August 9, 2009
posted by heatherann at 6:00 PM on August 9, 2009
If you're happy then don't worry about it. Also keep in mind that there are plenty of men in their mid thirties and early forties who were divorced and never want to marry again, and don't want to be tied down in a serious relationship but are into dating. Not sleeping around, but just dating around for a few months and meeting new people that way. So if dating is too much of a hassle for you, obviously don't look for these men, but there's a chance you will come across someone like this and it could be fun for you - don't immediately say no because the company of a man like that might be something fun for you to consider. And there's always a chance you'll change your mind about dating 10 years from now, or want to try a relationship again. But if not that's totally fine too - less for you to worry about.
Also, I don't think it'll affect your kid over the next 10 years at all. Coming from a single mom family, I remember that when I was age 10-16 I felt more at ease when I knew my mom was NOT seeing anyone - I didn't have to worry about the man coming over and having to act not awkward around him, or whether or not he'd be my stepfather. I think maybe when your kid is 17ish or older they might start wondering why you're not dating, but I think by that age if it ever comes up they'll be old enough to understand it and for you to talk to them about it. But while they're kids and teenagers they're too preoccupied with their own crappy dating life to worry about yours.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:22 PM on August 9, 2009
Also, I don't think it'll affect your kid over the next 10 years at all. Coming from a single mom family, I remember that when I was age 10-16 I felt more at ease when I knew my mom was NOT seeing anyone - I didn't have to worry about the man coming over and having to act not awkward around him, or whether or not he'd be my stepfather. I think maybe when your kid is 17ish or older they might start wondering why you're not dating, but I think by that age if it ever comes up they'll be old enough to understand it and for you to talk to them about it. But while they're kids and teenagers they're too preoccupied with their own crappy dating life to worry about yours.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:22 PM on August 9, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by geekyguy at 8:56 PM on August 8, 2009 [6 favorites]