Family troubles

August 7, 2009 2:12 PM

Moving (back) in with family or not?

I'm currently living alone while going to school, and my parents are helping me to pay my rent. My sister lives in the same town as me. I enjoy the neighbourhood where I'm living. My sister recently moved to her own place after renting for awhile, but because of a series of events, she's pressuring me to take over the remaining time left on the lease for her last apartment, which is higher than what I'm currently paying for my apartment. She also wants me to move in with her after the lease is up; she has room, and her place is in a good neighbourhood, and just as convenient (transportation wise) as where I am now. Cost wise the finances will be distributed.

Those are the factual details. The problem is that I don't want to. I really like my independence, and I don't get along with my sister in close quarters. I also can't be myself and do my own thing; one reason I like living away from family is so I can do what I want, when I want without getting criticized for every decision I make (that was how I grew up, and it's had a pretty bad effect on me). But I come from a culture where family is very important and everything gets shared, and wouldn't living together make much more sense, especially since I'll be saving my parents quite a bit of money, and location wise it's just as convenient as where I am now? That's her argument.

My parents say they're ok either way I choose (although I know they would definitely prefer me to live with my sister), but I do feel guilty for using their money this way, especially when I will be saving them a lot if I lived with my sister. I also know how lucky I am to have this kind of choice. On the other hand, psychologically I'm not sure if I can handle moving back in with family and again feeling like someone is watching me 24/7, and having everything I do reported back to my parents and just listening to lectures on what I should or should not be doing and how I should be doing it. I've had people tell me I should be lucky to have such a caring family, but I'm literally crying right now as I type this. I've felt like I had to fight to get this far mentally in independence and I'll just be undoing everything. People think it's odd I'm not jumping at the chance to save some money. My family's changed somewhat, and I don't think they'll be as strict as before, but they can say they understand me all they want and I don't think they ever will; that goes for any decision I make, but they'll argue with me over and over. I don't want to argue anymore, I just want to live my life. But I feel really, really rotten right now, and I don't quite know what I should do.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)

"The problem is that I don't want to."

There you go.

You say your parents are fine with either decision. Respect them enough to believe they're not lying about that. If you think they're sparing your feelings about money, talk to them openly about it, and work out a repayment plan you can live with, or find a way to take less (or no) money.

If you decide to exchange freedom for money, it could cause resentment, and that's a lot harder to get a job to pay off.
posted by xingcat at 2:16 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm going to distill your post for you, since I think that might be helpful.

Arguments for:
* your sister wants you to.
* you will feel guilty if you don't.
* people will feel it is odd if you don't. (Actually I don't think this is true, I would never move back in with my family and I think a lot of people will understand.)

Arguments against:
* just about every possible reason there could be (and they all sound perfectly reasonable/justified to me) short of your sister running a meth lab or something.
posted by advil at 2:19 PM on August 7, 2009

I've felt like I had to fight to get this far mentally in independence and I'll just be undoing everything.

This matters a lot.

Of course, it also matters who pays your rent. Rather than moving in with your sister, why not make a plan to get yourself on financial footing to pay 100% of your rent, so that you don't feel beholden to your parents? Another job, or cutting back on expenses (canceling cable, etc.) could free up enough money that you don't need help with your rent. This would put you in a perfect position to make the adult decision to continue living on your own rather than moving in with family.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:34 PM on August 7, 2009

You study better alone, right?

There you go.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:41 PM on August 7, 2009

The reason for moving in with your sister is that it will be cheaper for your parents.

The reason for not moving in with your sister is that it will drive you nuts.

One solution would be to take away the problem in the first sentence. That is, find a way to pay your own rent. Then, there is no reason to move in with your sister.
posted by Houstonian at 2:48 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

seconding houstonian - fiscal independence also means familial independence (or, rather, independence from the family)
posted by Think_Long at 3:42 PM on August 7, 2009

Could you get a roommate that would take the financial place of your parent's help?
posted by Vaike at 4:16 PM on August 7, 2009

"I'm literally crying right now as I type this."

I totally get the distress pressure from family can cause - OUCH.

I think you need to find your position of strength from which to respond and shut down whatever your sister is angling for. Think of dealing with this situation successfully as a mid-term exam on the way towards Independence and AdultHood.

The bottom line is you are FINE just where you are. You need to communicate this. You have a rent you can cover on your own if need be, you like where you live, you are established there, it will certainly do for you through the end of college, etc. etc.

Now. Your sister's opportunities, decisions, and or the consequences of her decisions can't fall on you at this time in your life. She's got her journey to follow, and you've got yours.

Your sister has PLENTY of options in her situation that do NOT depend on you. Your sister can negotiate with her old landlord, she can find a subletter for the old place and a roommate for the new place. If she absolutely can NOT afford her new home, she can move.

Unless this is some (unspoken?) conspiracy by your parents to get you and your sister under the same roof, it sounds as though your sister decided to trade upwards in lifestyle, and she planned on having you and your parents' money mitigate any costs or inconveniences she might incur.

Don't let her bully you. Don't state emotional protests to her or your family when declining your sister's offer (no matter how valid your emotional protests are:)) And don't let your sister bully you or your parents into subsidizing her lifestyle choices.

If anything, be super super gracious when you decline your sister's offer. Acknowledge that she lives in a great neighborhood, and you are lucky to have family who still want to live with you now that they don't have to;)) Then state that you think the short savings & convenience now will not translate into your long-term plans and the disruption you'd experience by moving TWICE in the near future will not bode well for your studies, even with help. Explain that you are established in your current home, that you have positive study habits and work schedules, and that you can not possible think of moving AND maintaing your GPA.

If that doesn't do it, write back and I'm sure the hive will be happy to arm you with all sorts of arguments that will insure your parents' continued financial support and get your sister off your back.

Good Luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:38 PM on August 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

PS....

Yes. Others are correct! Finding a way to pay your own rent NOW would be ideal in terms of your process towards total independence. But I am assuming your parents are OK with continuing YOUR arrangement (rent, school) as they previously agreed. If their position changes in a way that doesn't provide for your current living situation....then as I stated above regarding your sister, you also have options in the work/school/roommate areas that could provide for your needs (i.e. - finishing school and physically living apart from family.)

Keep the positive in mind:)

-J.
posted by jbenben at 4:48 PM on August 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. If your parents' deal with you was that they'd pay for your apartment through college, your sister's actions shouldn't have any bearing on that deal. Obviously that's a principle hard to apply in real life, but it might be nearly impossible for you to take over your full rent for the rest of your studies, especially if you are pre-med or in another major that demands lots of hours in the lab or doing hardcore studying.

Your sister kind of sounds like a bully and factored your doing as she wished into her decisions. That is wrong.

If your parents could afford your rent before your sister ran off and made all these decisions, they can afford to pay your rent now.

I understand there's a cultural element in play here, but taking that into account, here's what I'd do: offer to cut out all needless expenses-- cable, home phone if you have a cell phone already, garage if applicable, and anything else you can get rid of that they cover.

If you have time to work on campus ten hours a week in a low-stress job in the library, maybe explore that option, if you feel really guilty. Essentially minimize what your parents pay for you every way you can, but do not let your sister's rash decisions negate the deal you made with your parents.

But if all else fails, and your family really pressures you to live with your sister, take out a student loan large enough to cover rent until you graduate. Get a roommate for the next year to reduce costs even further. Yeah no one wants debt hovering over them, but student loan debt will not kill you. Then work full time over the summers.

Even if it is not normal in your culture to approach family decisions in this way, it is probably not common for parents to allow their two single daughters to live away from home, separately, either. (That's just a wild guess).

I'm usually in the "tough it up and pay your own way" crowd, and have little sympathy for students getting so much help from parents as a professor myself, but something about this case strikes me as unfair. Stick to your guns!
posted by vincele at 7:31 PM on August 7, 2009

"... But I come from a culture where family is very important and everything gets shared ..."

Remember that AskMeFi is not a scientific poll. The demographic of people posting here is often skewed towards the young and those whose life experience has been a struggle for personal independence.

But, from what you've posted, you have some respect, still, for your family values (which are generally pretty practical ones, by my lights, as posted above), and you recognize that you have some fiduciary responsibility to those that are supporting you, in a tough economy.

Be a mensch, as long as you are also being a dependent, and conserve your family resources, through economic cooperation. You are talking about, at worst, a very limited time living situation, not a lifetime of involuntary servitude.

Insisting on your "independence" in a temporary living situation provided by your family, is a violation of your family ethic. Insist on such, and you mark yourself in their eyes, for a long time, as selfish, and shortsighted.

If, in your own mind, your personal freedom of action trumps your family responsibility, own it, and provide your own economic base, such that you don't need family support. That way, at least, you don't throw their own values back in their faces.

And you won't need a poll of Internet strangers to make you feel better about your choices.
posted by paulsc at 2:02 AM on August 8, 2009