39 yr old feeling like a 13 yr panicked boy

July 28, 2009 7:08 AM

I think I have a mini crush on a kindergarden teacher...help!!

*sigh* I recently became separated from my wife. Like 2 months ago. Divorce papers will start soon. My smallest kids attends a very small kindergarden. So there is this teacher that I like... as in, I get nervous and clumsy near her (I am 39 yrs old!). My biggest accomplishment so far has been asking her name, trying to cover it by saying immediately after: "kids, say goodbye to Miss E-----."

First of all, I dont even know if she knows that my wife and I have split. All the kid's moms know, and maybe the principal, but not sure if SHE knows.

Second, I'm so afraid that she sees me like a "Dad", because that is obviously the context. I drop the kids and pick them up, trying to do this every day, hoping she'll appear. Sometimes she does, sometimes another teacher comes out.

Third: Once the summer school ends, in about 2 weeks, that's it. We changed the kids to another school, so I will never go there again. I feel like a 15 yr old that has no clue about how to do anything!

Questions:
- is it too early in my "separation" process to start noticing other women?
- but the bigger question is:
How do I approach her? I have a few days left before summer school ends....And how do I do it in front of my kids?? And other moms??


please help.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

How do I approach her? I have a few days left before summer school ends....And how do I do it in front of my kids?? And other moms??

DON'T.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:10 AM on July 28, 2009 [11 favorites]

"I uh, well, you may not know it, but my wife and I are separated...and *cough* you seem to have the effect of making me feel like a nervous fifteen-year-old, and uh, are you seeing anyone?"

Do it, man. If you've been separated for 2 months, it's probably been going downhill for much longer than that.
posted by notsnot at 7:11 AM on July 28, 2009 [4 favorites]

To clarify what I wrote above: notice other women until your eyeballs fall out. Approach single women you're interested in.

Don't approach this woman: (1) at her workplace, (2) in front of your kids, (3) in front of other, bratty kids, and (4) in front of the catty soccer mom set. If you're really interested in her, pursue her in another setting.

And FWIW, the pre-existing relationship with your kids has the potential to make this all sorts of weird. Don't shit where you eat, is all I'm saying.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:16 AM on July 28, 2009 [26 favorites]

Summer camp is ending, and you may never see your summer crush again! Oh no!

(I mean that in the most affectionate and silly way possible.)

First off, it's never too early or late to "notice" people. In ever "omg my straying eyes" AskMe, everyone constantly reminds us that we're human and we will notice people until we die. Or until we dry up. Whichever comes first. Don't freak about this.

But also don't assign a higher weight than necessary to it. You have a crush. They will come and go. And whether or not it is "too early in your 'separation'" to start noticing other women is particularly dependent on how ready YOU ARE. You may have been emotionally separated from your wife for a lot longer than two months. It may have been - and may still become - acrimonious. We're not sure. Only you know that.

That said, "IANAKT" but if a Dad came up to me and said, "Hey baby, can I buy you a fish sangwich - my kids are in the car and the ink on my divorce papers isn't even dry yet..." I wouldn't be inclined to think that the relationship was going anywhere fast. If you think she might be conservative and narrow-minded like me, take some time to get things ironed out before you actually pursue her (or anyone else). That way, you can say, "Hey baby, can I buy you a fish sangwich - my children, who you know and love cause you teach them, are with my ex, who I have a great working relationship with."
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:18 AM on July 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

This situation has the complexity of having your kids involved and of you only having been separated for 2 months. Wait another 6 months at least. Or at least until the divorce is completely sorted and over. The kids need stability right now, and that should be first and foremost in your mind. They're not going to understand the concept of "new mommy" properly yet. Or are you going to put your infatuation (which is what it is...) before your kids?

Also, you're 39. Not 15, no matter how much you might feel like it. Act your age.
posted by Solomon at 7:26 AM on July 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Stay a while longer, read a book about dinosaurs or something together with your kids and their friends (this is something you should probably do anyway imo) while hitting on the teacher. Asking to see her after the kids quit summer school should be too awkward.

It's not like you have much to loose and all...
posted by uandt at 7:28 AM on July 28, 2009

Don't ask her on a date in her work setting with the kids around.

Do consider making a non-loaded request that can't reasonably cause any immediate awkwardness.

Say to her, next time you see her: "Hey, do you have an email address I could get a hold of you at, there's something I would like to send you?"

If she waffles in any way, make no fuss about it. If she doesn't want to give you her email address, even her work one, then she's obviously not going to be interested.

If she does give you her email address, then you can send a note saying hi and saying that you would like to take her out for a date some time if she is interested. Apologize for asking her out over email, but say that you didn't want to put her on the spot by asking her at her workplace.

There's a good chance she'll say no, considering that she'll know that you're fresh out of a divorce, but you'll have tried without causing a scene.
posted by 256 at 7:32 AM on July 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

She could view you as a creep, especially if she doesn't have children herself. People have certain prejudices. When I was young and child-free I would have thought it strange if a father of young children asked me out if he wasn't yet divorced. Keep in mind that "separated for two months" is not going to sound appealing to a lot of women, no matter how you justify it. It may be in your best interest to ride this crush out. Spend as much time as possible with your children and wait until the divorce is final. It will do good things for yourself and decrease the creep factor.
posted by Fairchild at 7:37 AM on July 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

2nding asking for her email addy before school is up. Wait until you're divorced, then write her an email thanking her for being so good to your kids. Then ask if she wants to grab coffee.
posted by bunny hugger at 7:38 AM on July 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

- is it too early in my "separation" process to start noticing other women?

Apparently not!

Once the summer school ends, in about 2 weeks, that's it. We changed the kids to another school, so I will never go there again.

This is the good news, because in 2 weeks you can go ahead and ask her out with much less risk of the future awkwardness that Inspector.Gadget wisely warns of. Frankly, I think you should give it a shot...although I suspect your chances of a very successful outcome here will be much better if you've had a decent conversation or two with her before asking her out right out of the blue. And if you like her only because you're physically attracted to her you might very well discover this fact alone insufficient to pique her interest in dating you --No offense intended, just Heterosexuality 101.
posted by applemeat at 7:39 AM on July 28, 2009

Personal experience time: my father started dating my younger brother's teacher about 3 months after my parents separated. Or at least, that's what they claim, though there's a strong likelihood that they started seeing each other before then. And therein lies my point: if things go well with this comely educator your soon-to-be-ex will have good reason to believe you've been, er, staying after school since before the separation. This will cause problems for you in the divorce, if only by making it more bitter. It also, of course, causes problems for your kids (who, I'm certain, are your number one concern in all this) who like Miss E. but will now be told by their mom that Miss E. is not a nice lady. And, of course, Miss E. may face repercussions from her principal or the gossipy soccer moms... The list of problems goes on.

My brother's fourth grade teacher has been my stepmother for the last decade and after about five years of fallout (including, but not limited to, me cutting off all contact with my father for three years, horrendous custody battles in court, being separated from my brothers, and the development of such seething and lasting hatred between my parents that all three of their children intend to elope lest Mom & Dad ever enter the same room again) I have finally learned to accept my stepmom and see her as human rather than a fairy tale monster. But it took five years to get to that place and Dad & Stepmonster wreaked havoc upon their lives & the lives of all of their children because they couldn't cool their loins and wait six months before dating. And they both regret it. Whenever the subject comes up they say how they wished they had just waited til the divorce was final, til younger brother was no longer her student, til the kids & my mom had time to grieve the divorce before they started dating. Over a decade later, moving too soon is their greatest regret.

Six months from now Miss E. will still remember who you are. And she'll be all the more flattered that you remembered her well enough to ask her to coffee.

I'm just sayin.
posted by philotes at 7:42 AM on July 28, 2009 [15 favorites]

It is certainly not too soon for you to start noticing women. Go for it.

HOWEVER, it is also not too soon for you to relearn the rules of when it is, and is not, appropriate to ask women out. "At their workplace, where you are a client" is almost never appropriate. "In front of your kids" is unlikely to be appropriate for 10 or 15 years at the earliest (and perhaps never).

Pay attention to what philotes said above. That is actually a best-case scenario, at least in my experience of this stuff, because it all worked out eventually. I know other similar situations where basically nothing was left except a smoking rubble of recriminations.

ALSO, many people don't want to date people who are separated but haven't actually started the process of divorce. Many people don't want to date people whose divorce process isn't final. This is something for you to think about--I would suggest that waiting until your divorce process had at least started would tend to improve your dating odds tremendously.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:49 AM on July 28, 2009

This kind and nurturing person is filling a hole in your emotional life. You have a long road ahead, stay focused and don't drag her into your mess.
posted by MiffyCLB at 7:58 AM on July 28, 2009 [12 favorites]

Don't do it. It sounds like a really terrible romantic comedy that, in real life, would not at all be funny or end well.
posted by anniecat at 8:08 AM on July 28, 2009

If it gets out to your wife that you're consorting with your child's (former) teacher, is this something that might come up nastily during custody arguments? Think about that. For a while, maybe a long while, the romantic choices you make could wind up affecting how much time you are able to spend with your children. Proceed with caution.
posted by hermitosis at 8:17 AM on July 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Since you're asking how to approach her, and not if...here's my two cents:

The fact that you either have to do kiddie drop-off or pick-up gives you the excuse to talk to her. Frankly, I'd find it much harder to walk up to her at a grocery or coffee shop, or whatever. Ask how the day was for the kids. Ask about their activities. Drop a reference about your separated-ness, "Their mother and I....[fill in the blank]" Then, on the last day..ask her for a cup of coffee. She says no--no worries.
posted by teg4rvn at 8:19 AM on July 28, 2009

I'd definitely second the idea of asking for her email address, and contacting her a little later, once the kids have moved on. Maybe it would be best to see if you can converse with her some before asking her out. That will help you gauge her interest in you, and at the same time you can get to know her a little better, and see how much you like her. If there's some good conversation and common interest there, asking her out will seem all the more natural (you can tell her you've enjoyed chatting to her via email, and you'd like to meet her in person, or some such).

If/when you do ask her out, the worst she will do is say "no". In my opinion, most people (unless they're arrogant or something) will be at least a bit flattered about being asked out by someone, even if they end up saying no.
posted by Eastgate at 8:43 AM on July 28, 2009

Dad dating the kindergarten teacher can't possibly be a good experience for your kids. The better it goes for you, the worse it would be for them.
posted by aleahey at 9:02 AM on July 28, 2009

I have no opinion on whether or not you should go for this woman.

However, if you need an excuse to talk to her, then ask her how the kids are doing. Ask her if she notices anything different about their behavior, emotional wellness, etc. Let her know you are concerned about the effect the separation is having on them.
posted by aetg at 9:07 AM on July 28, 2009

However, if you need an excuse to talk to her, then ask her how the kids are doing. Ask her if she notices anything different about their behavior, emotional wellness, etc. Let her know you are concerned about the effect the separation is having on them.

Don't follow up on this conversation with a request for a date, because that will read as C-R-E-E-P-Y.


Seriously, if you want to have a date with this person, here is how to do it.

A) Establish friendly conversation about topic unrelated to your kids.

B) In the context of friendly conversation, exchange contact information. Stay in touch about topics unrelated to your kids.

C) After she is no longer teaching your kids, ask her on date.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:08 AM on July 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Not sure how you should go about asking for contact info. But, PLEASE, do not ask for her email. I can almost guarantee she will give you her work address. School email is most definitely NOT private. As a teacher, I would be mortified if a dad asked me out via school email.
posted by nimsey lou at 10:47 AM on July 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd merely pull her aside one day briefly and let her know that you and your wife are unfortunately split up and are concerned about any effects it may have on the children. Ask her to let you know if she sees anything in the children's behavior that might be a result of the split. Don't even hit on her.

Then, at the beginning of next school year, when your kids no longer are being taught by her, try to feel her out and be more flirty. The idea is not to overdo it, as she is not looking to be someone's rebound.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:54 AM on July 28, 2009

You know, any person can be approached for a date, if done correctly. That said, the 15-year-old-with-a-crush approach is not going to work. Unless you can cool the adolescent yearnings, I don't think you should approach her at all.

I think your options for approaching her are very, very limited. Most make you look either desperate, slimy (considering the fact that the ink on the separation papers is barely dry), or creepy.

Also, you're 39. Not 15, no matter how much you might feel like it. Act your age.

QFT
posted by jabberjaw at 10:57 AM on July 28, 2009

My wife has worked in a preschool environment (including K) for nearly 15 years. She has never seen a scenario where a divorced dad asked out a teacher and the teacher agreed. It just causes awkwardness.

If this is a private school (maybe even if it's public), they may very well have rules against dating parents (as it invites potential charges of favoritism towards the parent's kids).

Given all this, I think you need to ride out those two weeks. Wait until your kids will never again be associated with the school, and then you have to find a way to contact the teacher. Frankly I don't have high expectations for your success, but you should totally do it because you have nothing to lose. Worst case scenario is she declines and you never have to see her again.

The challenge here is to figure out how to contact her after your kids are gone, but that's the route you should take.
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:59 AM on July 28, 2009

In your shoes, I wouldn't do it. BUT, I would let it stew for a month or so after your kids stop going there. There's a possibility that you're just getting 'freedom jitters' - feeling goofy around a girl you are attracted to because you have recently been let loose from your marriage. I'll bet this happens a time or two more in the coming months.

If you're still thinking about this person a month after your kids aren't going there anymore, make a quick run over there after the kids are let out and try to meet up with her in her classroom. Explain the situation and see what she says.
posted by Pecinpah at 1:40 PM on July 28, 2009

GOSH these answers are tilting me!!!!

Of course you should do it this woman isnt your kids therapist or your sister-in-law or something she's a fingerpainting instructor you're never going to see again in a few weeks. SHEESH PEOPLE.

It's never too early to start feeling like being alive again, you don't have to sit around mourning for your dead bad marriage-- piss on the grave asap.

I'd just say, on the last day of school: "So, um, this may be a little odd, but I was wondering if you'd like to get coffee with me sometime?" If she doesn't know you are separated then it may seem weird...hell any way you do it it may seem weird, but who cares? You're outta there. Don't mention your divorce or stammer about whether it's appropriate, just cut right to: "I was hoping now that the session's done that I could possibly see you again. Maybe for a drink/coffee next week?"

She'll probably say No. But she's not gonna taser you, and it'll make you feel like a badass for having tried. Worth a shot right?

Good luck.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:19 PM on July 28, 2009 [3 favorites]