Can I live nextdoor after a divorce?
July 17, 2009 12:49 PM   Subscribe

Divorce is a possibility...how close can I really live after the split?

We have two children in elementary school. Divorce is not inevitable, but if it gets to that, I'd like to have an idea what to do and where to go. This obviously includes where to live. Wife would likely keep the house. There are several homes in the neighborhood for sale including some on the same block. Is that too close? I don't want my kids seeing daddy in an apartment (for too long). So, divorcees, where did you go? are there any general dos and don'ts particularly about proximity after a split? I'd love to have the kids within walking distance.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
...including some on the same block. Is that too close?

Honestly, that's one to discuss with your wife. If either one of you thinks it's too close, then yes, it's too close.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:02 PM on July 17, 2009


Don't live in view of the house. I have no idea of how amicable your divorce might be, but once either of you start dating, do you really want to know who is coming or going from each other's houses? This happened to a friend of mine. She dated a divorced father who lived across the street from his ex and the kids. The ex went insane any time she saw my friend at house. He eventually had to move.
posted by kimdog at 1:02 PM on July 17, 2009


when i was in high school, i had a very good friend who lived in the neighborhood next to mine (bike distance). Her parents were divorced and she and her younger sister lived with their mother. Their father lived, literally, across the street. I was fascinated by the situation, but it seemed to work. Sure, their parents would fight occasionally, but it usually was the 'I thought you were going to be here, then' sort of day-to-day argument as opposed to the 'you fucking bastard, you've ruined my life, I hate you' tv-drama-style blowout. For the most part, they seemed to get along. I guess it really depends on the kind of relationship you can maintain with yr ex after a divorce (a big question to ask would be 'how would either of you react to the other dating' ...you're not really going to be able to hide anything living down the steet from one another) . But, yeah, I'll throw in a vote for 'live closer'
posted by sexyrobot at 1:03 PM on July 17, 2009


I don't want my kids seeing daddy in an apartment (for too long).

What, why not? You know plenty of kids live in apartments themselves! Also, some apartments are much nicer than some homes. If you don't want to live in one, fine, but it is probably not going to scar a kid emotionally to see a parent in an apartment. I think it would be worse for them if one or both of their newly single parents had no money because they thought they had to protect their children from "apartments" and got an unaffordable mortgage.
posted by soelo at 1:06 PM on July 17, 2009 [12 favorites]


A relative lives around the corner from his ex and their kids. It seems to work well. I would have loved this when I was a kid, especially because my dad worked nights and so it would have obviated the need to go to daycare after school. On the other hand, it might have confused me why my parents lived close together but not together.
posted by desjardins at 1:09 PM on July 17, 2009


Yeah, there's nothing wrong with an apartment (especially in this economy). As long as kids have their own space at each residence, there's not much else that matters.
posted by oinopaponton at 1:10 PM on July 17, 2009


It really depends how grown-up you and your wife are an how acrimonious the divorce becomes.

Froma kid perspective, this was how my family worked, in part. My stepsister and her mother lived three blocks from us in NYC. My stepsister and I would walk to school together, went to each other's houses after school and our family/families shared a nanny. It was great for us as kids, and my stepsister definitly liked having both parents around - I was envious of her because my dad was on the other side of town.

Everyone was very civil, with the occassional normal family blowout. FWIW, I'm pretty sure my stepsister's mother would bail me out of jail, even if she wouldn't help me bury a body.

Anyway, a lot of families are doing this; Penelope Trunk and her ex keep the kids in one house, have family meals, and she and her husband shuffle to either one or two outside apartments.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:17 PM on July 17, 2009


FYI: the more possibilities you create for yourself that involve divorce, the more likely divorce becomes.
posted by jefficator at 1:30 PM on July 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


I lived about a mile from my ex- during my son's childhood and that worked well. Living on the same block would be kind of creepy and weird. You need some distance so that you can live separate lives. Do you really want to be waving "hi" to your ex-wife every morning as you go to work?
posted by octothorpe at 1:31 PM on July 17, 2009


I've known two families who lived within a block and a half of each other, and it seemed to work very well for the kids at least (I interacted more with them than with their parents). I think it's a good point that you might not want to be able to see each other's houses, but being in walking distance isn't a bad idea.
posted by katie at 1:33 PM on July 17, 2009


My neighbor lives less than a half mile from her ex. We frequently see him over at the house visiting and on occasion helping out. What fights they have had have been handled quietly. They've been divorced about 3 or 4 years now. They seemed to have been able to remain on pretty good, friendly terms.
posted by onhazier at 1:41 PM on July 17, 2009


My ex's dad lived on an adjoining street but less than a block from his mom's house because it was easier on my ex and his younger siblings. It worked out rather well for them, as the kids could wander back and forth between houses whenever they needed/wanted to. Ex said that he always appreciated that his dad stayed close, and to be honest, I think his mom appreciated it, too.
posted by alynnk at 1:45 PM on July 17, 2009


And I know a guy that moved into the other side of the duplex where his wife and children lived. It is a nightmare for her and confusing for the children (not to mention the constant arguments they witness). Another friend is selling her house because her stalker/ex-husband moved one street over and calls her every time she drives past his house without stopping in with the children - even if she is trying to rush to work adn drop the children off at daycare. So it REALLY depends on your relationship with your current wife and whether both of you can behave decently to each other. The high emotions during a divorce would probably not be the time to purchase a house you may be trapped in.
posted by saucysault at 1:50 PM on July 17, 2009


I don't want my kids seeing daddy in an apartment (for too long).

Why? Is there something shameful about apartments where you live? I find this confusing.

If what you meant is "I'd like a single-family house with a yard where my kids can play and make noise without worrying the neighbors" I get it.

Seconding the "I know people for whom living on the same block, in the same apartment building, in the same condo complex, or in the other half of a duplex from their exes worked out well, and I know people for whom it proved to be a horrible nightmare."

And seconding everyone who says "Rent for a while before you make any hard-to-get-out-of decisions." You can probably even rent a single-family house with a yard where your kids can play and make noise without worrying the neighbors.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:00 PM on July 17, 2009


A block or two away is fine. Just don't live somewhere where you have to drive past each others houses to get home.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:12 PM on July 17, 2009


We just spent a decent amount of money to make this happen, to relocate my husband's ex-wife, her new husband and the kiddos downstate so his son could be closer to his Dad. They now live right around the corner.

The key to this is that the four adults involved are amicable and on the same page, (ie this is great for the kids).

The look of peace and joy on his son's face when he realized that he could see his Daddy every single day, whenever he wanted, was absolutely priceless. As the ex and I both agreed, "Beautiful".

If you both have the ability and the maturity to make this happen, I say do it.

(Also, we live in an apartment and believe me, the kid didn't even notice.)
posted by Grlnxtdr at 2:37 PM on July 17, 2009 [3 favorites]


follow-up from the OP
Mea culpa, apartment dwellers! I have no problem with apartments. I've lived over 1/2 my life in one. Now that I live in a house, I'd like to move to a house...if I have to leave. I read (if I'm not mistaken on MeFi) one account from an adult whose parents divorced when she was a child. The thing that depressed her was seeing her dad who formerly lived in their lovely house, living in a nearby, small apartment. For some reason this story stuck with me; as a result, I think a move to a house would be better. Maybe it doesn't matter.

FWIW, my perception is that if we were to divorce, it would be amicable.
posted by jessamyn at 2:50 PM on July 17, 2009


Another option to consider: not divorcing, but moving out anyway.

I know two married couples who live in separate spaces (one with kids, one without). Both used to live together, but decided that living in separate homes was how they would best be able to stay married.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:55 PM on July 17, 2009


FYI: the more possibilities you create for yourself that involve divorce, the more likely divorce becomes.

This. Ultimately the decision on distance will have to be negotiated between the two of you, and you may not get it right the first time, so there will be plenty of time to work out that problem (and when you do, read Grinxtdr's advice -- lord knows I will if my marriage ever gets to that point.) So stop paying attention to that problem, and pay attention to the more important one of trying to save your marriage.

I say this with all due respect; you BOTH need to put questions like this aside for now. It's a way of distracting yourself from the real problem.
posted by davejay at 3:00 PM on July 17, 2009


After the follow up, I just wanted to add that my husband was only able to see his son once or twice a month before, due to the remote area they lived in, so now being able to see his Dad every day or so is a huge improvement.

I can see how the story you mentioned would give you pause about apartments vs. houses (I pictured shabby, dark apartment there), so if you had to get an apt., you could just be super conscious of making sure it's a happy place, lots of sun with a yard.

Good luck.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 3:06 PM on July 17, 2009


I don't have enough information to help you, but here are some questions to ask yourself:

- Would you and your spouse be amicable after a split, or would there be constant tension?
- Would you expect to get re-married or have another family?
- Would you expect to have your kids over often, or would they be living with you?
- How would you feel if you saw your spouse dating other people, or other people potentially moving in?

How long have you been married? How old are the children?

Divorce takes time. The further away at first, the better. You owe it to yourself to clear your head and regroup. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that situation for at least several months afterward. However, there are a lot of factors that affect this.
posted by TheOtherSide at 3:43 PM on July 17, 2009


I'm dating a guy who has been divorced for nine years (initially not amicably, I don't think - his ex cheated; now, they get along reasonably well) with two kids, 11 and 15. He and his ex live in the same neighborhood, 8 blocks from one another and have joint custody. The proximity works well for all concerned: the kids can walk or ride their bikes from one house to another; when someone forgets something at one parent's house it's not a major deal to go get it; distance to/from school, friends, hangouts is not dramatically different from one house to the other, etc.

Same block might be a little more problematic, though -- and not really because of his ex being able to keep tabs on him/whatever or vice versa; it's as much about keeping clean boundaries intact for the kids as well. When they don't stick to their scheduled routine of one night at dad's, one night at mom's, etc., things start to get complicated emotionally for everyone, and that's ultimately not good for the kids -- or the parents.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 7:17 PM on July 17, 2009


I can't comment on the housing question but it is very hard to predict whether a divorce will stay amiable over time. I know of more than couple that seemed to be committed to an amiable divorce with high quality co-parenting but at least one partner just not able to maintain that over time. (Shocking when someone you thought you knew turns out to be irrational and self-centered but it does happen.) On that basis, I would vote for biking distance.
posted by metahawk at 8:17 PM on July 17, 2009


I'm divorced and living in an apartment. The kids stuff takes over the apartment, which is fine by me (there's even two computers set up for them to do games/projects/stuff). It is a nice neighborhood, with a park nearby and only a few miles from the ex.

After about a year I mentioned moving somewhere else for more room and both kids said they would rather not. They're established here. They have their toys, computers, books, and homework desk with lots of drawing materials and feel at home. Divorce is unsettling, especially to younger children, so the concept of moving again (even though they spend only weekends and some dinner nights here), is too much for them to deal with even if the move is to a bigger place. They crave stability.

Since the move would be for their benefit and they don't want it, I'll probably stay here for a while.

So if you find yourself having to move, my advice is to either move to an apartment or to a house, but don't do one, then quickly switch to the other. Wherever you are, create a comfortable home for your kids and they'll eventually settle in.
posted by eye of newt at 8:59 PM on July 17, 2009


I second the view that close but not in view of each other is good. My ex lived a couple of blocks away and it was so helpful that my son could go back and forth easily, and I could too, when boots or books or whatever were needed at the other place. And I definitely didn't want to see his dating life.
posted by judybxxx at 7:21 AM on July 18, 2009


And I know a guy that moved into the other side of the duplex where his wife and children lived. It is a nightmare for her and confusing for the children (not to mention the constant arguments they witness).

I have a good friend (now an adult) whose parents did a variation of this: Prior to the divorce they owned a three-family home, and lived on the first floor. After the divorce, dad moved to the top floor, and they continued to have a tenant on the second floor. Her understanding as an adult is that this set-up started off as "temporary" (they couldn't sell the building immediately) but they ended up living this way until my friend went to college - more than ten years later. (I believe the parents continued to own the building jointly as well.) It actually worked out well for all parties; she could see either of her parents whenever she wanted, and it sort of forced the adults to be civilized at all times. This certainly won't work for everyone, but it worked really, really well for them.
posted by anastasiav at 10:17 PM on July 20, 2009


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