How Do I improve My Self-Confidence?

July 10, 2009 4:55 AM

Many of my previous questions have focused on self-improvement, especially in technical and academic contexts. It's beginning to dawn on me it might be a confidence issue more than anything else. Is this fixable?

I have asked a myriad of questions in the past wrt trying to improve in technical and academic contexts. However, its recently dawned on me that my self-confidence seems to be quite quite low and that could actually impinge on my desire to improve.

Negative thoughts seem to pervade my mind, mostly fleeting (e.g. starting a piece of work might lead me to think "why bother, XXX could do this better than I ever can") to outright crashing me (e.g. I will get to the end of the day and berate myself for the slow slow progress I'm making or realize a problem and spend the evening berating myself on how it was obvious/should have been realized earlier/be sure that someone else would not have had it).

While I'm aware of this trait, I've kept it and listen to it, but in moderation on the basis that I've always felt it's better to be this way than one of those people who have no absolute clue of their capabilities and hammer on not getting anywhere due to no self-awareness.

However, its become clear to me that this is hampering me by making me feel down and depressed about myself, my capabilities and my life. I'm at the point where I'd rather be an amateur at my work and below the level I wish to be in terms of competence and NOT have this nagging voice in my head putting me down.

Is there a clear path to changing such behavior? Is there a mechanism for doing so? Conversely, are there techniques that would allow me to boost my self-confidence so I don't feel like such a failure and actually manage to do something of use?

posted by gadha to Grab Bag (7 answers total)

This is hard to do, but try to get out of the habit of comparing yourself to others. Compare yourself to yourself. I do this too; I sit and analyze my skills, looks, personality, you-name-it, to other people and always come up short. And I probably don't in reality, at least not *all the time* like I do in my head, and you probably don't either. It's just a self-defeating mental cycle. When you find yourself in that mindset, think back to a prior time in your life and compare where you are now to then. You're aware that you do it, now you just have to use that awareness to stop those thoughts and replace them. So when you start thinking, "so-and-so could do ________ better than me," stop and think instead, "five years ago I couldn't do _________ blank at all. Now I can _______ ...." and fill in that blank with what you have achieved.
posted by weesha at 5:19 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen.

There you go.
posted by trotter at 6:27 AM on July 10, 2009

It sucks to hear, but your only real recourse is to keep working. When you start berating yourself for doing a crappy job, or "XXX can do it better," recognize what you're doing and tell yourself, "it doesn't matter. This is my work and I'm going to do more of it tomorrow." Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Eventually, if you keep plugging away, you'll realize a couple things. First, you'll see that sucking at something isn't the end of the world. Your life will keep moving. Second, you'll probably start to realize you're getting better. This, in itself, is probably all the inspiration you need.

People want to read all they can about "how to be confident," bu there's nothing you can read that will make you be confident. You need to build reference experience in your life that reinforces that you should feel good about yourself and whatever you're doing.

So keep working, even when what you think you are doing is crap. Eventually you'll do something you like. Then keep working. Build up enough experiences where you do work you're proud of and you'll have confidence in both your work and yourself - it takes a lot of guts to keep pushing forward when every part of you wants to quit. This in itself builds confidence.
posted by PFL at 7:33 AM on July 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

Somebody very important to you told you you weren't worth anything when you were a kid. Find out who that was anmd work through your feelings of anger toward them. You're really feeling anger towards them when you criticize yourself.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:37 AM on July 10, 2009 [7 favorites]

Good Mood by Julian Simon

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:14 AM on July 10, 2009

I second what PFL says. There's this weird idea that you can build confidence by sitting in a room and repeating self-improvement mantras. That's nonsense.

Many of us struggle with that self-critical voice. Four things to help:

First, seek and savor the enjoyment in what you do. That gets you out of 'me' mode and into 'fun' mode.

Second, reframe that voice. Instead of thinking of yourself as "good at doing X" or "bad at X", reframe it as "improving at X". Good and bad are paralyzing judgements. Think of yourself as "improving", it is much truer to the learner's path.

Third, it seems that it takes about 10,000 hrs of what educational expert K.A. Ericsson calls 'deliberate practice' to master any skill or vocation. This is good news. Only time and focussed effort separates the novice from the master. Check out Colvin's "Talent is Overrated" which popularizes Ericsson's findings as well as Malcolm Gladwell's recent "Outliers".

Fourth, consider getting a competent teacher or tutor in what you're trying to learn. One of the key components of deliberate practice is frequent, guided feedback.

I'd wish you luck but you don't need it.
posted by storybored at 10:43 AM on July 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nthing what storybored said. I think that expecting anyone to be amazingly good at anything in a short time is unrealistic and against nature. It takes time and practice to get good. So, work at it!

I also believe that success, even small success, breeds confidence. Pick something, even something like painting a room or growing tomatos or making the perfect lasagna, find out the best techniques, and follow them while allowing yourself enough time to complete the job properly. Take pictures of the finished product. Might seem silly, but as Mao/Confucius said, the longest journey starts with a single step. The patience, perserverance, and knowledge that you can do things very well will transfer to other areas. If you hate the ideas for small steps I outlined, pick something else small that appeals and work at it, perhaps the sleekest, fastest code to do x.
posted by x46 at 1:11 PM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]