How do I deal with returning back home from study abroad?
July 1, 2009 7:22 PM Subscribe
So my wonderful study abroad trip has ended and I returned back home earlier this week. My trip had its highs and lows, but overall I would not trade it for anything. I have grown in many ways and have become more confident in myself. I have met so many people and got a small taste of the world by traveling to a few other countries in Europe. I am more motivated than I ever have been to finish school, search for a job and hopefully move back abroad after finishing.
The problem is that I am feeling very restless and depressed now. I'm happy to see my family again, I love them but I am very disconnected. I don't identify with the things that I enjoyed prior to coming abroad. i tried reading some of my old stories and engaging in my old pastimes but I just can't get into them like I once did. No one at home wants to hear anything about my trips or the things I've learned or any observations I've made. And I come from a family of educators, a family that is supposedly interested in other cultures and expanding their horizons!
Any time I even so much as mention my trip (which is NOT often), they either talk over me loudly and quickly, or change the subject. Or they just go, "oh, uh-huh." And that's it. They don't listen to or consider anything I have to say. I can't get a word in edgewise. Yet they go on and on about things in their lives (especially my mother, whenever we talk, it's usually all about her). I listen actively to them and ask them questions. I never try to force myself. Whenever I do try to talk about my life or future plans, no one is interested. My mother will talk about other people's career plans (for example, her teaching assistant who is about my age), but she's not interested in mine. Her own child! When my brother (or anyone else in the family) tells stories, they all listen to him. I feel like I am not taken seriously at all in my family.
I don't expect to talk about my trip all the time, as I know that would bore anyone. But I am feeling so disconnected and no one at home can relate. Talking about it with real live people is exactly what I NEED to to do. For example, they act shocked if I say I feel like it should be later (since Copenhagen is 6 hours ahead of the states).
All I want is to go back abroad. Either that or sit in my room, alone. I feel trapped, restless and cut off from the life I had built abroad. I don't see how I can re-adjust. Especially since my family isn't relating or understanding. If they would at least listen to me for 5 minutes without interrupting or talking over me, that would help me adjust so much better.
What are some tips for getting over this feeling of "disorientation"? How can I get my family to understand how I'm feeling? I love them and appreciate them, but I feel like I don't even belong in this family anymore. The worst thing of all is, I don't even care that I don't belong. I WANT to leave and be on my own. It's all very confusing.
The problem is that I am feeling very restless and depressed now. I'm happy to see my family again, I love them but I am very disconnected. I don't identify with the things that I enjoyed prior to coming abroad. i tried reading some of my old stories and engaging in my old pastimes but I just can't get into them like I once did. No one at home wants to hear anything about my trips or the things I've learned or any observations I've made. And I come from a family of educators, a family that is supposedly interested in other cultures and expanding their horizons!
Any time I even so much as mention my trip (which is NOT often), they either talk over me loudly and quickly, or change the subject. Or they just go, "oh, uh-huh." And that's it. They don't listen to or consider anything I have to say. I can't get a word in edgewise. Yet they go on and on about things in their lives (especially my mother, whenever we talk, it's usually all about her). I listen actively to them and ask them questions. I never try to force myself. Whenever I do try to talk about my life or future plans, no one is interested. My mother will talk about other people's career plans (for example, her teaching assistant who is about my age), but she's not interested in mine. Her own child! When my brother (or anyone else in the family) tells stories, they all listen to him. I feel like I am not taken seriously at all in my family.
I don't expect to talk about my trip all the time, as I know that would bore anyone. But I am feeling so disconnected and no one at home can relate. Talking about it with real live people is exactly what I NEED to to do. For example, they act shocked if I say I feel like it should be later (since Copenhagen is 6 hours ahead of the states).
All I want is to go back abroad. Either that or sit in my room, alone. I feel trapped, restless and cut off from the life I had built abroad. I don't see how I can re-adjust. Especially since my family isn't relating or understanding. If they would at least listen to me for 5 minutes without interrupting or talking over me, that would help me adjust so much better.
What are some tips for getting over this feeling of "disorientation"? How can I get my family to understand how I'm feeling? I love them and appreciate them, but I feel like I don't even belong in this family anymore. The worst thing of all is, I don't even care that I don't belong. I WANT to leave and be on my own. It's all very confusing.
Best answer: As a general rule of thumb, it will take you as long to re-adjust to life back in your native country as it did for you to adjust to life in your new country.
You've only been back for a week. I think you simply have to give it more time. I know it's frustrating to feel like you're being ignored by your family but I also think you're probably far more out of sorts than you realize. Relax. Find a focus. You say you're more motivated than ever to finish school and move back abroad and that's great -- make a list of things you need to do to make that happen and cross the items off one by one.
posted by kate blank at 7:34 PM on July 1, 2009
You've only been back for a week. I think you simply have to give it more time. I know it's frustrating to feel like you're being ignored by your family but I also think you're probably far more out of sorts than you realize. Relax. Find a focus. You say you're more motivated than ever to finish school and move back abroad and that's great -- make a list of things you need to do to make that happen and cross the items off one by one.
posted by kate blank at 7:34 PM on July 1, 2009
This is popularly known as "reverse culture shock." It's an utterly bizarre and upsetting feeling, but it's also completely normal to feel depressed, confused, and out of step after spending so long abroad. Try to relax and have patience while you reorient yourself. And if you want some reassurance, google the term and read up on other people's experiences with this.
posted by artemisia at 7:42 PM on July 1, 2009
posted by artemisia at 7:42 PM on July 1, 2009
Best answer: What you are experiencing is culture shock. Culture is the ways of life, and all of the meanings associated with them. When you go abroad, we expect culture shock, the shock of shifts in meaning associated with the change in ways of life. Typically we do not expect to experience culture shock coming 'home'. This is why it is even more shocking. The meanings of things which were considered 'normal' before have changed for you (but not everyone else). This is why it is not significant for anyone else, but is really affecting you strongly.
Culture (meanings associated with ways of life) is always shared. I encourage you to contact the people who will share these life-meanings with you. Also, please recognize that while you learned and grew a lot while on your trip because of your exposure to new experiences and meanings, there is much growing and learning to do here from this too because of the changed meanings with your new interactions at home. Consider this learning experience of 'culture shock' at home to be part of your adventure, not separate from it.
Go with the flow and try to experience the process of adjusting to this new culture, just as you would going somewhere else. Just as with any integration into a new culture, time is needed. For what it's worth, your experience is not uncommon at all. You might try connecting with folks who have travelled even if they're from another group than your own and talk to them about reintegration or 'reverse culture shock'.
posted by kch at 7:44 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Culture (meanings associated with ways of life) is always shared. I encourage you to contact the people who will share these life-meanings with you. Also, please recognize that while you learned and grew a lot while on your trip because of your exposure to new experiences and meanings, there is much growing and learning to do here from this too because of the changed meanings with your new interactions at home. Consider this learning experience of 'culture shock' at home to be part of your adventure, not separate from it.
Go with the flow and try to experience the process of adjusting to this new culture, just as you would going somewhere else. Just as with any integration into a new culture, time is needed. For what it's worth, your experience is not uncommon at all. You might try connecting with folks who have travelled even if they're from another group than your own and talk to them about reintegration or 'reverse culture shock'.
posted by kch at 7:44 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Artemisia is right, you're going through "reverse culture shock." It's also known as "re-entry shock." This is totally normal and will affect everyone in a different way (ie some people are cool after 3 days whereas others may take 3 or 6 months to readjust). You're exhibiting some classic symptoms. How did you cope with culture shock when you were abroad? Employ some of those same methods now that you are back home. Your family and friends don't realize that, while you look the same on the outside, you are definitely not the same person on the inside. If you are someone who journals, then write down what you're going through. Getting these feelings out will help you to cope with being at home.
I work in study abroad for a living and would be happy to provide further advice and support if you want to memail me. Otherwise, good luck to you and just take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and soon you will overcome the reverse culture shock you're dealing with.
posted by snugglebunny at 7:48 PM on July 1, 2009
I work in study abroad for a living and would be happy to provide further advice and support if you want to memail me. Otherwise, good luck to you and just take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and soon you will overcome the reverse culture shock you're dealing with.
posted by snugglebunny at 7:48 PM on July 1, 2009
I spent a semester abroad in South Korea and I've found it very difficult to talk extensively about it to friends or family. I can bring up the odd anecdote or observation, but no one is really interested in me talking in depth about it. I'm not sure why, maybe because they weren't there with me, so they have no basis for understanding my references or feelings, especially if they don't know much about the country where I lived.
I would recommend finding people from your program to connect with if you can. Also, if you want to go back abroad, start researching and make a plan of how to do it. That's what I'm doing and it helps keep the experiences fresh in my mind.
My time abroad was huge for me concerning my personal growth, and it definitely felt strange to come back. Spending time with people that I missed made the adjustment easier to handle.
posted by Shesthefastest at 7:52 PM on July 1, 2009
I would recommend finding people from your program to connect with if you can. Also, if you want to go back abroad, start researching and make a plan of how to do it. That's what I'm doing and it helps keep the experiences fresh in my mind.
My time abroad was huge for me concerning my personal growth, and it definitely felt strange to come back. Spending time with people that I missed made the adjustment easier to handle.
posted by Shesthefastest at 7:52 PM on July 1, 2009
Yep, reverse culture shock is it. I lived in Europe twice as a kid and again in college, and I was pretty unsettled for a few months every time I came back to the states. Re-entry into your home culture is, in some ways, more unsettling that the entry into a totally new culture, because it's not like you're experiencing stuff for the first time, which makes it exciting -- you're re-experiencing stuff you've experienced before, but possibly with an entirely new (and maybe not always positive) take on it, thanks to your time overseas. (For example, I remember being really resentful of the onslaught of TV advertising and the seemingly huge streets and cars when I came back to the states; having lived abroad, they suddenly seemed so crass and unnecessary.)
posted by scody at 7:52 PM on July 1, 2009
posted by scody at 7:52 PM on July 1, 2009
Best answer: Thirding "Reverse Culture Shock". Think about it this way. This is a great opportunity for you to go into your community and observe it as an outsider would. It's eery as you'll likely be aware of your previous perceptions while at the same time you are seeing it through the eyes of someone recently coming from Copenhagen. Take notes, enjoy the experience because in a couple of days or weeks it will slowly revert back to just being normal.
I've been through this too many times to recount, except it's always a new culture. There's always that moment when you transition from the exotic or banal to it simply being where you are.
Oh, and keep the wanderlust alive!
posted by michswiss at 7:57 PM on July 1, 2009
I've been through this too many times to recount, except it's always a new culture. There's always that moment when you transition from the exotic or banal to it simply being where you are.
Oh, and keep the wanderlust alive!
posted by michswiss at 7:57 PM on July 1, 2009
No one at home wants to hear anything about my trips or the things I've learned or any observations I've made. And I come from a family of educators, a family that is supposedly interested in other cultures and expanding their horizons!
Speaking as someone who also just returned from a study abroad... don't make it your goal to expand your family's horizons with your observations. Have some short, funny/interesting "slice of life" stories.
I knew one girl on my program who would talk about what an amazing, deep experience she was having, how much it changed her, how she just had this totally different view of US culture and understood things so much better now.
It was obnoxious for even us to listen to... I can't imagine what her friends back home think. I don't know if you're being like that, and I don't mean to assume, but if you are it can come across as condescending and that might be the problem.
And hey, maybe your stories are really great - but make them feel left out, or jealous, or they can't relate. Why not share stories with some like-minded friends instead of your family?
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:01 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Speaking as someone who also just returned from a study abroad... don't make it your goal to expand your family's horizons with your observations. Have some short, funny/interesting "slice of life" stories.
I knew one girl on my program who would talk about what an amazing, deep experience she was having, how much it changed her, how she just had this totally different view of US culture and understood things so much better now.
It was obnoxious for even us to listen to... I can't imagine what her friends back home think. I don't know if you're being like that, and I don't mean to assume, but if you are it can come across as condescending and that might be the problem.
And hey, maybe your stories are really great - but make them feel left out, or jealous, or they can't relate. Why not share stories with some like-minded friends instead of your family?
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:01 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have grown in many ways and have become more confident in myself. I have met so many people and got a small taste of the world by traveling to a few other countries in Europe. I am more motivated than I ever have been to finish school, search for a job and hopefully move back abroad after finishing.
I had the same feelings after my first study abroad experience. These are all wonderful things that should be cherished and cultivated. This is all new to you, and you experienced the changes as they happened. On the other hand, your family and friends did not and maybe they don't recognize you as the same person who left a few months ago. It might take them some time to understand and accept the New You. Be patient. It just takes some recalibration.
posted by Eumachia L F at 9:37 PM on July 1, 2009
I had the same feelings after my first study abroad experience. These are all wonderful things that should be cherished and cultivated. This is all new to you, and you experienced the changes as they happened. On the other hand, your family and friends did not and maybe they don't recognize you as the same person who left a few months ago. It might take them some time to understand and accept the New You. Be patient. It just takes some recalibration.
posted by Eumachia L F at 9:37 PM on July 1, 2009
Best answer: Lots of some very good advice here. I'll just add a couple more things that other people have already touched upon:
For you, it was a life-changing experience. For everyone else, you were there one year, not there the next, and now you're back. It's as simple as that. It's very easy to feel as if life back home stopped when you left, but of course it didn't. Imagine how your life was before you left. That's... pretty much how life was for them, and still is (for all intents and purposes). Just because you left, and you had these amazing experiences, it doesn't mean anything has changed for them. Their reaction to you is perfectly natural.
Second, and this is a way better observation, I promise: this is just the beginning. For better or worse (mostly for better), my junior year abroad effectively defined who I was to be for the next 15 years. The wanderlust never goes away, and that "different" sensibility never goes away. Your life is now forever going to have some element of what you experienced, and, years and years down the line, "culture shock" and "reverse culture shock" will cease to have any meaning as you will effectively rise above it all and simply see things as stuff you like and stuff you don't.
Welcome to an exciting new world, my friend. It only gets better from here on.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 9:59 PM on July 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
For you, it was a life-changing experience. For everyone else, you were there one year, not there the next, and now you're back. It's as simple as that. It's very easy to feel as if life back home stopped when you left, but of course it didn't. Imagine how your life was before you left. That's... pretty much how life was for them, and still is (for all intents and purposes). Just because you left, and you had these amazing experiences, it doesn't mean anything has changed for them. Their reaction to you is perfectly natural.
Second, and this is a way better observation, I promise: this is just the beginning. For better or worse (mostly for better), my junior year abroad effectively defined who I was to be for the next 15 years. The wanderlust never goes away, and that "different" sensibility never goes away. Your life is now forever going to have some element of what you experienced, and, years and years down the line, "culture shock" and "reverse culture shock" will cease to have any meaning as you will effectively rise above it all and simply see things as stuff you like and stuff you don't.
Welcome to an exciting new world, my friend. It only gets better from here on.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 9:59 PM on July 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
How different is their behaviour towards you from the way it was before you left?
Has your family always kind of talked over you, tut tutted your concerns and treated you like a child? Or is this new since your return?
posted by jacquilynne at 10:44 PM on July 1, 2009
Has your family always kind of talked over you, tut tutted your concerns and treated you like a child? Or is this new since your return?
posted by jacquilynne at 10:44 PM on July 1, 2009
yup, been there had that. To be honest, I still miss the two places I lived abroad every day of my life (the first for three months, the second was a year abroad, just like you). It's hard to build a life somewhere else and then have to leave it (even though you know at the outset you will have to), to go back to your roots and what not. Everyone was full of how much they missed me, and all I could think was how much I missed where I had been. You do settle down after a bit, but yeah, I would go back in a heartbeat given the opportunity.
posted by nunoidia at 12:39 AM on July 2, 2009
posted by nunoidia at 12:39 AM on July 2, 2009
Not to be unkind or crap on your experience, but as Solon and Thanks has suggested, maybe your family thinks you're putting on airs. I knew a girl who had traveled abroad, and when she got back, she couldn't stop talking about how much she had changed and how enlightened she was. I'm not saying this is you, but maybe this is the impression you're giving.
For some humorous perspective, check this out.
posted by ambulatorybird at 12:39 AM on July 2, 2009
For some humorous perspective, check this out.
posted by ambulatorybird at 12:39 AM on July 2, 2009
Best answer: It is a little disappointing but NO ONE wants to hear about your trip. I lived abroad last year (and again now) for work and when I got back to my old job and saw my friends there was a question or two on the first day and that was it. It is not about putting on airs or bragging as others above have suggested, but everyone has their own lives. Think to when people have babies at work, there might be a few polite questions, but then mostly everyone just gets back to it. I moved to another country earlier this year and some of my closest colleagues and friends still had no idea what I had done or where I'd gone in the 8 months I was away (A few asked "how was Denmark"? I was in the Netherlands). Don't be offended by it.
I should add that this was a similar situation with my family. Actually my mother in law never asked anything about my time away, but she will have the opportunity to visit the Netherlands with me, so now she is asking! It's all about relevance.
Take the opportunity to be a tourist in your own town, right now, which it still seems a little unfamiliar and different. I did this when I returned to Sydney, spending time in different neighbourhoods, and the harbour. And it was great.
Over time, this feeling will shift. It is hard. The hardest part for me was readjusting to a noisy, busy, frantic city after spending time in a smaller town. See how you feel in a couple of weeks once you're over the jet lag.
posted by wingless_angel at 12:53 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I should add that this was a similar situation with my family. Actually my mother in law never asked anything about my time away, but she will have the opportunity to visit the Netherlands with me, so now she is asking! It's all about relevance.
Take the opportunity to be a tourist in your own town, right now, which it still seems a little unfamiliar and different. I did this when I returned to Sydney, spending time in different neighbourhoods, and the harbour. And it was great.
Over time, this feeling will shift. It is hard. The hardest part for me was readjusting to a noisy, busy, frantic city after spending time in a smaller town. See how you feel in a couple of weeks once you're over the jet lag.
posted by wingless_angel at 12:53 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Ok, I might be taking a controversial line here, but this is how I view it.
First of all, I'm American and a long term ex-pat. I've lived outside the United States for well over one third of my adult life and have known lot and lots of ex-pats. Everyone upthread is correct, it's culture shock but just going the other way.
However there is another dimension.
My wife is Dutch, and she moved to London to live with me about two years ago when we got married. Here entire family is back in Nederlands and we periodically visit. So sorta of a similar experience to yours. But here is where it's different - most of her family pester her with questions about England, the minutiae of living, working in another country. While they don't talk about the subject to the exclusion of all others, if either they or her bring it up there is genuine, deep interest.
On my (believe me, very, very, infrequent) trips back to The United States I've noticed a pronounced lack of interest in my life abroad. Some folks almost think there is something wrong with me (well there is plenty wrong but this isn't it), that'd I choose to live outside the United States rather than in (as I'm constantly reassured while there) the best country in the world.
We know that in contrast to European nations most Americans don't have passports. Most Americans don't travel in their entire lives as much as you have during your trip. Most Americans don't just care about what goes on in the bigger world.
Not that they're totally ignorant, its just that The United States is so damn large, folks can live their entire lifes in the Continental US, take all their holidays in America and never, never see it all.
Its a great country for its natural beauty, stunning contrasts both of nature as well as people.
Not so conducive to forming a deep interest in foreign cultures, or other people.
Contrast with Europe where most countries are smaller than American states, and you've got totally distinct (and wonderful) cultures and people living right next to each other e.g., Germans / French, etc, etc.
Your typical European is far more interested in foreign cultures as theses cultures are right next door. A short train ride or flight away. We can get to our flat in Amsterdam, door to door, in a little over two hours from London. Eurostar to Paris in pretty much the same amount of time.
America? Foreign (ignoring Mexico and Canada) means transatlantic or transpacific. Figure eight hours in the air, two hours (or more) on either side, and travel to places foreign is a significant contribution in terms of time. And cost.
So its not you, and its not a general indifferent to your experience. Most Americans just don't care about foreign cultures, at least to the same extent as a European would. Its a much greater effort for Americans to be exposed to foreign cultures.
My advise would be to just low key it, wait for someone to raise the topic, then talk about it.
And in the meantime use Facebook, etc to your advantage, to maintain and nurture this interest you've got in foreign cultures, your contacts abroad. Focus your future education and professional experience in a manner conducive to living and working abroad. Plan for your future.
There are plenty of questions and excellent advise towards that end on AskMe. More now than ever, one can live and work in pretty much any country they'd like.
Best of luck!
posted by Mutant at 1:47 AM on July 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
First of all, I'm American and a long term ex-pat. I've lived outside the United States for well over one third of my adult life and have known lot and lots of ex-pats. Everyone upthread is correct, it's culture shock but just going the other way.
However there is another dimension.
My wife is Dutch, and she moved to London to live with me about two years ago when we got married. Here entire family is back in Nederlands and we periodically visit. So sorta of a similar experience to yours. But here is where it's different - most of her family pester her with questions about England, the minutiae of living, working in another country. While they don't talk about the subject to the exclusion of all others, if either they or her bring it up there is genuine, deep interest.
On my (believe me, very, very, infrequent) trips back to The United States I've noticed a pronounced lack of interest in my life abroad. Some folks almost think there is something wrong with me (well there is plenty wrong but this isn't it), that'd I choose to live outside the United States rather than in (as I'm constantly reassured while there) the best country in the world.
We know that in contrast to European nations most Americans don't have passports. Most Americans don't travel in their entire lives as much as you have during your trip. Most Americans don't just care about what goes on in the bigger world.
Not that they're totally ignorant, its just that The United States is so damn large, folks can live their entire lifes in the Continental US, take all their holidays in America and never, never see it all.
Its a great country for its natural beauty, stunning contrasts both of nature as well as people.
Not so conducive to forming a deep interest in foreign cultures, or other people.
Contrast with Europe where most countries are smaller than American states, and you've got totally distinct (and wonderful) cultures and people living right next to each other e.g., Germans / French, etc, etc.
Your typical European is far more interested in foreign cultures as theses cultures are right next door. A short train ride or flight away. We can get to our flat in Amsterdam, door to door, in a little over two hours from London. Eurostar to Paris in pretty much the same amount of time.
America? Foreign (ignoring Mexico and Canada) means transatlantic or transpacific. Figure eight hours in the air, two hours (or more) on either side, and travel to places foreign is a significant contribution in terms of time. And cost.
So its not you, and its not a general indifferent to your experience. Most Americans just don't care about foreign cultures, at least to the same extent as a European would. Its a much greater effort for Americans to be exposed to foreign cultures.
My advise would be to just low key it, wait for someone to raise the topic, then talk about it.
And in the meantime use Facebook, etc to your advantage, to maintain and nurture this interest you've got in foreign cultures, your contacts abroad. Focus your future education and professional experience in a manner conducive to living and working abroad. Plan for your future.
There are plenty of questions and excellent advise towards that end on AskMe. More now than ever, one can live and work in pretty much any country they'd like.
Best of luck!
posted by Mutant at 1:47 AM on July 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Best answer: In a couple of your earlier questions, it seems like you have a very close relationship with your parents, and (correct me if I'm wrong), still live at home. It may well be that your experiences studying abroad are making you feel restless for a reason, and not just necessarily in the travel and wanderlust sense.
If your family and old friends from your home town don't want to talk about your experiences, find people who do. Move out, get your own place, make new friends. Travel more. Volunteer. Live abroad even.
It seems to me like you're looking for your family and old friends at home to validate your experience abroad by approving and listening to you talk about it. For a myriad of reasons (not least your previous tussles with your mother over your trip abroad), they don't seem to want or be able to do this. They might, unconsciously, be scared that if they give too much time and recognition to what you've done and how it has affected you, they'll be encouraging you to leave again. You've come back, and they may want things to go back to how they were.
If it were me, I'd start making plans to leave home and place my relationship with the family on an adult footing. Conversation and discussion with a fellow adult you see a couple of times a month is always going to be more appealing than the person you still see as a child going on and on about a major thing in their life that you didn't really want them to do in the first place.
You've started really well by going to Denmark. Keep on living your own life, think about moving out or even working and living abroad, and try to remember that the worth and value of you and your experiences doesn't depend on the recognition of your family, or anybody else.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:04 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
If your family and old friends from your home town don't want to talk about your experiences, find people who do. Move out, get your own place, make new friends. Travel more. Volunteer. Live abroad even.
It seems to me like you're looking for your family and old friends at home to validate your experience abroad by approving and listening to you talk about it. For a myriad of reasons (not least your previous tussles with your mother over your trip abroad), they don't seem to want or be able to do this. They might, unconsciously, be scared that if they give too much time and recognition to what you've done and how it has affected you, they'll be encouraging you to leave again. You've come back, and they may want things to go back to how they were.
If it were me, I'd start making plans to leave home and place my relationship with the family on an adult footing. Conversation and discussion with a fellow adult you see a couple of times a month is always going to be more appealing than the person you still see as a child going on and on about a major thing in their life that you didn't really want them to do in the first place.
You've started really well by going to Denmark. Keep on living your own life, think about moving out or even working and living abroad, and try to remember that the worth and value of you and your experiences doesn't depend on the recognition of your family, or anybody else.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:04 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh honey. Lots and lots of hugs to you. I've been through this - I had a fantastic world tour for 5 months and was miserable for a while afterwards. It was the best time of my life and I still miss everyone 4 years on. Even my cousin's wedding about a month after the trip didn't console me - I hid in another cousin's computer room chatting to tour friends!
It wasn't until just under a year later, when I had moved to Australia (and experienced *double* culture shock, go me) and met my boyfriend, that I began to heal. Mostly because he gave me a lot of the love and affection that I found on my trip so I wasn't so alone, but also because he had also gone on a year-long study abroad trip (to Denmark, even!) so he could absolutely relate. The first night we got together we chatted on the staircase about our trips...ah, bonding.
Try finding your Danish friends, as well as other friends that have also had similar experiences and can commiserate. I was surprised at how it was often the folk I never expected to care that actually gave me a listening ear for my stories. Write it down, write letters. Allow yourself to adjust as slowly as you need - despite what some people may say, you don't need to rush. Give yourself space; it is hard, and it sucks hardcore.
Feel free to MefiMail me if you want to talk. I did actually ask a question about this back in 05/06 so you can look it up too.
posted by divabat at 5:00 AM on July 2, 2009
It wasn't until just under a year later, when I had moved to Australia (and experienced *double* culture shock, go me) and met my boyfriend, that I began to heal. Mostly because he gave me a lot of the love and affection that I found on my trip so I wasn't so alone, but also because he had also gone on a year-long study abroad trip (to Denmark, even!) so he could absolutely relate. The first night we got together we chatted on the staircase about our trips...ah, bonding.
Try finding your Danish friends, as well as other friends that have also had similar experiences and can commiserate. I was surprised at how it was often the folk I never expected to care that actually gave me a listening ear for my stories. Write it down, write letters. Allow yourself to adjust as slowly as you need - despite what some people may say, you don't need to rush. Give yourself space; it is hard, and it sucks hardcore.
Feel free to MefiMail me if you want to talk. I did actually ask a question about this back in 05/06 so you can look it up too.
posted by divabat at 5:00 AM on July 2, 2009
You might also consider that your family probably played a huge support role in getting you off on your life-changing experience. It could be as specific as parents working their asses off to pay for it (instead of, say, going off and using the money to travel themselves) or siblings who will shoulder more of your chores and absorb more good and bad parental attention in your absence. A few days after your return, they just might not want to hear about the wonderfulness. (Me? I would. But you can see how some might not.) In short, consider you just got back from a great party and now you're in the kitchen talking to the people who prepped the food and are washing the dishes so you could enjoy yourself. Give it time. When the dishes are put away and the sacrifice isn't so real, I'm sure you'll have a more receptive audience.
posted by lpsguy at 6:21 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by lpsguy at 6:21 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
You might also consider that your family probably played a huge support role in getting you off on your life-changing experience.
This may or may not be the problem, but it's an important point. If it's relevant (I'm making an assumption, here) perhaps consider thanking your family for making such a kick ass experience possible (maybe you already have). Perhaps acknowledge that it's a privilege to be able to go abroad. Then give them a little time to get used to your presence again, and give them a few trip highlights when they ask. I'm sure they'll ask. They'll want to hear all about it soon, it's just that maybe they aren't quite ready yet.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 7:06 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
This may or may not be the problem, but it's an important point. If it's relevant (I'm making an assumption, here) perhaps consider thanking your family for making such a kick ass experience possible (maybe you already have). Perhaps acknowledge that it's a privilege to be able to go abroad. Then give them a little time to get used to your presence again, and give them a few trip highlights when they ask. I'm sure they'll ask. They'll want to hear all about it soon, it's just that maybe they aren't quite ready yet.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 7:06 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, I can totally relate to you, starpoint. I just spent my year abroad in France and it was so weird coming back. Don't fret if you feel off or strange to be back home -- like others above have said, it's reverse-culture shock and it will pass.
posted by fantine at 7:12 AM on July 2, 2009
posted by fantine at 7:12 AM on July 2, 2009
Best answer: Wow, just got back from a similar thing...I think what you are going through is totally normal. In my case I kept a travel weblog and was a little hurt that most of my family didn't read. But I try to be understanding, because after all I had an awesome year while they were stuck in a freezing Midwestern town and maybe they are just a little bit jealous.
I admit I'm struggling with it too. I find my hometown boring and have been less enthusiastic about doing things since I got back. I had a rich life abroad and I really miss it. I got a job and I'm going to stay in the US for at least a year, but will admit that I'm plotting my escape back to Scandinavia in case it doesn't work out.
I disagree with the party line that you will get over it. When you go back to college this fall, look for grad schools abroad and other opportunities like teaching English. Take advantage of your wanderlust! I knew lots of people from the US in grad school in Scandinavia and actually, it's often much cheaper.
posted by melissam at 7:29 AM on July 2, 2009
I admit I'm struggling with it too. I find my hometown boring and have been less enthusiastic about doing things since I got back. I had a rich life abroad and I really miss it. I got a job and I'm going to stay in the US for at least a year, but will admit that I'm plotting my escape back to Scandinavia in case it doesn't work out.
I disagree with the party line that you will get over it. When you go back to college this fall, look for grad schools abroad and other opportunities like teaching English. Take advantage of your wanderlust! I knew lots of people from the US in grad school in Scandinavia and actually, it's often much cheaper.
posted by melissam at 7:29 AM on July 2, 2009
Best answer: Whenever I do try to talk about my life or future plans, no one is interested.
Your parents don't want you to grow up and change their lives by moving out of the house and moving on with your life. On some level, they would probably prefer that you not grow wings and fly from the nest. Your brother's plans don't threaten the way things have always been in the family the way your plans do, and your family would rather that you don't change.
This is confusing for you because there is an unspoken conflict running under the surface. Your family wants you to be a part of them, to live like them and be like them. Some of what you want to do with your life does not support this. This is where your impulse to fly away and leave the family nest comes from.
Sometimes, getting away from your family can be the right choice, even if you love and care for them very much. You might not be able to make the choices that you would like to in life if you remain too close the your family. Thus, your confusion. Choose your path wisely.
posted by yohko at 8:53 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Your parents don't want you to grow up and change their lives by moving out of the house and moving on with your life. On some level, they would probably prefer that you not grow wings and fly from the nest. Your brother's plans don't threaten the way things have always been in the family the way your plans do, and your family would rather that you don't change.
This is confusing for you because there is an unspoken conflict running under the surface. Your family wants you to be a part of them, to live like them and be like them. Some of what you want to do with your life does not support this. This is where your impulse to fly away and leave the family nest comes from.
Sometimes, getting away from your family can be the right choice, even if you love and care for them very much. You might not be able to make the choices that you would like to in life if you remain too close the your family. Thus, your confusion. Choose your path wisely.
posted by yohko at 8:53 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I travel a good amount, and often find that after I return, people don't really want to hear stories of my journeys abroad as well. And frankly, I know how they're feeling: a lot of times I don't want to hear about someone else's trip for more than, say, ten minutes.
I'm sure it was a cool experience and all, but eventually people start thinking, "Sure, you had this wonderful experience abroad, and I'm happy for you, but um, do you really need to keep takling about it all the time?" If your friends and family are generally satisfied about with lives where they are, they might be put off if you are constantly telling them about how great life is somewhere else.
posted by gushn at 9:19 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm sure it was a cool experience and all, but eventually people start thinking, "Sure, you had this wonderful experience abroad, and I'm happy for you, but um, do you really need to keep takling about it all the time?" If your friends and family are generally satisfied about with lives where they are, they might be put off if you are constantly telling them about how great life is somewhere else.
posted by gushn at 9:19 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was an undergraduate in a US college, and pursued my Masters in the UK. I grew up in a poor third-world country with completely different traditions, customs and languages. No one could even begin to imagine the weird, unsettling, sublime experiences that I have -- cultural and otherwise.
However, as I found out, no one really cares. I soon stopped telling people all my stories because I would be like the bore of the party, forcing on people My Totally Interesting Experiences. Sure, I told some people about the important life-defining moments, but I would stop short of saying how life in foreign country A was omg so different, and how I missed item B which I only discovered in foreign country C. It's .. boasting, though you may not think that way (and neither did I, when I first lived in a foreign country, meaning, the US).
Keep a journal. Put up all your study abroad pictures on Facebook, if you haven't already. Talk and share your experiences to someone who did the same program as you, or who has been to that place. But for the love of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, please don't expect your family to listen to them.
For a light-hearted, and yet so totally true, perspective of the average North American college student who did a study abroad program:
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/02/22/72-study-abroad/
posted by moiraine at 1:39 PM on July 2, 2009
However, as I found out, no one really cares. I soon stopped telling people all my stories because I would be like the bore of the party, forcing on people My Totally Interesting Experiences. Sure, I told some people about the important life-defining moments, but I would stop short of saying how life in foreign country A was omg so different, and how I missed item B which I only discovered in foreign country C. It's .. boasting, though you may not think that way (and neither did I, when I first lived in a foreign country, meaning, the US).
Keep a journal. Put up all your study abroad pictures on Facebook, if you haven't already. Talk and share your experiences to someone who did the same program as you, or who has been to that place. But for the love of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, please don't expect your family to listen to them.
For a light-hearted, and yet so totally true, perspective of the average North American college student who did a study abroad program:
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/02/22/72-study-abroad/
posted by moiraine at 1:39 PM on July 2, 2009
Nthing reverse culture shock. I did a study abroad in high school, and had a similar experience upon return. Give it some time.
posted by BryanPayne at 2:35 PM on July 2, 2009
posted by BryanPayne at 2:35 PM on July 2, 2009
Response by poster: Wow, thanks for all of the responses, they are all very helpful. I really appreciate them all! I guess it is reverse culture shock, as seems to be the general consensus here. And thanks to those who said I could message them, I will be getting in touch with you! :-D
A few things to clear up -- I'm a grad student and I paid for my entire trip myself, not a cent came from anyone in my family. They are letting me stay at home though, but they are the type of people who would encourage me to stay forever and never move out. I have to fight even to do my own laundry. It's smothering. You never learn any life skills in this house because everything is provided. this is partly why I have so many problems with confidence and making decisions now.
Also the "stuff white people like" site is funny, even if I'm not white. I'd heard of it before, lol. Still, it can apply to any North American, white or not.
And I did keep a blog of my trip and put pics up on Facebook. I don't know how much they've read of it. I hope I haven't come across as boasting -- I don't talk about my trip much at all, and I'll just stop looking for outside approval. It all has to come from within. Thanks again for all of your advice, it's really good!!!
posted by starpoint at 6:54 PM on July 2, 2009
A few things to clear up -- I'm a grad student and I paid for my entire trip myself, not a cent came from anyone in my family. They are letting me stay at home though, but they are the type of people who would encourage me to stay forever and never move out. I have to fight even to do my own laundry. It's smothering. You never learn any life skills in this house because everything is provided. this is partly why I have so many problems with confidence and making decisions now.
Also the "stuff white people like" site is funny, even if I'm not white. I'd heard of it before, lol. Still, it can apply to any North American, white or not.
And I did keep a blog of my trip and put pics up on Facebook. I don't know how much they've read of it. I hope I haven't come across as boasting -- I don't talk about my trip much at all, and I'll just stop looking for outside approval. It all has to come from within. Thanks again for all of your advice, it's really good!!!
posted by starpoint at 6:54 PM on July 2, 2009
Response by poster: One more thing - in re to @jacquilynne, yes, my family has always treated me like a child and talked over me. I guess it's because I am shy and generally short on confidence. I've never been strong enough to overcome this. Sadly they still treat me this way and I still am not confident enough to take a stand, because I don't want to cause any fights or problems.
posted by starpoint at 7:00 PM on July 2, 2009
posted by starpoint at 7:00 PM on July 2, 2009
They are letting me stay at home though, but they are the type of people who would encourage me to stay forever and never move out. I have to fight even to do my own laundry. It's smothering. You never learn any life skills in this house because everything is provided. this is partly why I have so many problems with confidence and making decisions now.
As I said above, I think moving out should be at the top of your agenda. Think back to how you felt, in terms of personal freedom and living on your own terms, while you were away. Now, imagine living like that the whole time.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:06 AM on July 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
As I said above, I think moving out should be at the top of your agenda. Think back to how you felt, in terms of personal freedom and living on your own terms, while you were away. Now, imagine living like that the whole time.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:06 AM on July 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
As I said above, I think moving out should be at the top of your agenda. Think back to how you felt, in terms of personal freedom and living on your own terms, while you were away. Now, imagine living like that the whole time.
Multiple times this. I finally got the independence I craved on my Up with People tour - hell I managed to survive a fall down the stairs, an ambulance trip, and crutches, when I grew up being sent to emergency for the slightest sneeze! Moving to Australia wasn't my first choice but I'm glad to be there because I got to be myself for once - and regain that independence.
It's hard going, and I'm still not totally independent (money issues). I'm writing this from the family house where I am on holiday :P But if you have the chance, go for it. Look up Delaying the Real World for ideas - the world is open. And if you decide to check out Australia give me a shout!
posted by divabat at 6:46 AM on July 3, 2009
Multiple times this. I finally got the independence I craved on my Up with People tour - hell I managed to survive a fall down the stairs, an ambulance trip, and crutches, when I grew up being sent to emergency for the slightest sneeze! Moving to Australia wasn't my first choice but I'm glad to be there because I got to be myself for once - and regain that independence.
It's hard going, and I'm still not totally independent (money issues). I'm writing this from the family house where I am on holiday :P But if you have the chance, go for it. Look up Delaying the Real World for ideas - the world is open. And if you decide to check out Australia give me a shout!
posted by divabat at 6:46 AM on July 3, 2009
Independence is definitely something you should strive for. There's really no better way to become more confident and find what you are passionate about than taking that step and saying, "I will now be responsible for the roof over my head, the food on my table, and the clothes on my back." Go for it!!
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Invictus... maybe you can hang it up somewhere for inspiration, I know I do. :)
posted by gushn at 10:41 PM on July 3, 2009
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Invictus... maybe you can hang it up somewhere for inspiration, I know I do. :)
posted by gushn at 10:41 PM on July 3, 2009
What helped me the most in re-adapting back to life in the US was connecting with other exchange student alumni and volunteering with current exchange students in the US. Do you know of any exchange/international students in the area? Can you help out with pre-departure orientations for high school students going abroad this summer/fall? Check out volunteer/alumni meetings for Rotary Youth Exchange, YFU, AFS, etc. What about re-connecting with the program that sent you overseas? When you hang out with other exchange students conversation will flow easily, and it may help you readjust.
posted by Maarika at 1:06 PM on July 6, 2009
posted by Maarika at 1:06 PM on July 6, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Let yourself adjust to the time change/schedule/day to day of your life at home. Connect with anyone you can from the trip to share memories, stories, pics, etc. Connect with other multi-cultural resources at home - museums, restaurants, cultural events and activities.
It's always a let-down to come home from a vacation.
posted by bunnycup at 7:28 PM on July 1, 2009